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Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians
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00:00:04,600 --> 00:00:07,000
Dingy castles, daring knights
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Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians
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Punishment from ancient times
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Cavemen savage, fierce and toothless
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Mean and measly Middle Ages
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ANNOUNCER: The Tower of London!
HE COUGHS, BIRD CROAKS
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Sorry, something's stuck in my
throat.
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Move over, Big Ben and
Buckingham Palace,
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the OG icon of London is in town.
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Packed so full of juicy history,
it's running out of the poop chutes!
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It's home to the priceless
Crown Jewels
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and it's been everything
from a royal palace to a prison
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that held celebrity inmates,
including Guy Fawkes and Anne Boleyn.
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And, of course,
it's got ravens, ravens, ravens!
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It's stood strong by the
mighty River Thames
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for almost 1,000 years. But people
have been living and working
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in the same spot for 1,000 more.
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It's big, it's old,
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it's a little bit scary,
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it's the...
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And this is how it all started.
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Oh!
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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
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you see
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forced them to flee
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With fire and sword
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FARTING
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then to Rome we went back
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to the Saxon invaders
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farmers and traders
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VIKING WAR HORN
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VIKINGS SHOUT
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we could be here for years
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the pendulum swings
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Ah, peace at last.
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Nice place you've got here!
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Oh, for goodness' sake!
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To the axes of Danes
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Then us Danes came again
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the fighting is past
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by ze river
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Never.
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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
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Ah, absolutely smashed that. Oh!
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Woo-hoo! Morning, Eric!
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Morning, Mr Gundulf.
What do you think?
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I hope he likes it. Who likes it?
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King William! He's coming to inspect
our work on ze White Tower!
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Ohh!
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Thought you were dressed fancy for
an architect.
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What are you talking about?
I'm always dressed like zis.
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Yes, I'm an architect, but
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I'm also ze Bishop of Rochester.
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Now, quickly, clean all of zis up
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before King William arrives.
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You know what he's like. He can
lose his temper,
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his... Ah... ARGH!
..Bishop Gundulf! Your Majesty!
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So zis is it, is it?
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Your Majesty, it has taken almost
20 years to build
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but zis is ze White Tower.
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It is made with ze finest
Kentish ragstone,
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giving it zis nice,
clean, white look.
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Its loo chutes are strategically
positioned so zat ze, um... Ha-ha.
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FARTING
..bottom dirt only pours down
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ze north and east-side walls,
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giving ze front of ze tower
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a completely brown-free facade.
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HE YAWNS
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Do you want me to test it out,
Your Majesty?
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You are making me quite nervous,
so I do need to go.
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Don't bother. Zere's no need.
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Where are you going?
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We haven't even shown you
the private suite on ze top floor
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with an en-suite poo chute.
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Whatever. Goodbye.
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It's got a fountain!
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That fires wine 20 foot
into the sky!
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Really? No, not really. I panicked.
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I don't care about your white stone
or your chute of ze poops.
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I'm not staying.
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But I designed it just like your
castle in Normandy.
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And I love my castles in Normandy!
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Zat's why I'm going back zere.
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Zen why did you ask me to
build zis castle?
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I just wanted a big, scary
symbol of my power.
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Zat's why it's overlooking ze
smelly Saxons who live in London.
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Ha-ha!
I don't want to actually live here.
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It will not be my poop on ze walls!
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Au revoir!
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Ah!
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Yeah, since he's not staying,
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can I go up and bounce on his bed?
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I'm tempted do something else
on his bed! Ha!
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Cushty.
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Yes, the Tower of London began
life as a fortress
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built by William the Conqueror's
invading Normans
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to guard against rebellions
by the local Saxons.
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And so, who better to guide us
around it
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than one of the guards who actually
works there now?
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Real life Yeoman Warder, AJ!
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Hello, Rattus. Hello.
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Yes, we've been guarding the tower
and living there since Henry VII
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created the job in Tudor times. Wow!
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The tower's now a tourist hot spot,
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but it used to be a prison,
didn't it?
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It must have been filled with some
very naughty criminals.
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Not just criminals, Rattus. Huh!
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A lot of people ended up
in the tower
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just for upsetting the
king or queen.
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The famous explorer Sir Walter
Raleigh got sent to the tower
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just for secretly marrying one of
Elizabeth I's ladies-in-waiting.
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Talk about a disastrous honeymoon!
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Still, I hear he kept himself
busy while he was inside.
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ANNOUNCER: They've got a
guilty secret.
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It's Guilty Cordial from
Sir Walter Raleigh.
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So good, they should lock it up.
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And they have!
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Because it's made here in prison,
by me.
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Ugh!
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I'm Sir Walter Ra...leigh.
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Elizabethan spy, explorer,
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soldier, poet,
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and now, soft drink maker.
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My medicinal, healthy cordials
are all made here by my hand,
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in the Tower of London.
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Because there's not
much else to do.
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Fancy a sip, bud?
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HE SIGHS
He never says anything.
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Guilty Cordials are made with only
the freshest of ingredients,
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many of them grown here during
my exercise hours
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00:06:54,080 --> 00:06:56,200
in the gardens of the prison.
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Oh, look! Some rosemary!
149
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Through that unlocked gate!
150
00:07:02,000 --> 00:07:04,280
Ah...I was just going to close it.
151
00:07:05,440 --> 00:07:09,000
Guilty Cordial is made from
rosemary, elderflower, thistles,
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clay, wood - that wood bark's got a
bit of raven poo on it, revolting -
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antlers and the hearts and livers
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of deadly vipers.
But not their skins.
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NOTES ON BRASS INSTRUMENT
That's disgusting.
156
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So why not try Guilty Cordial,
from me, Sir Walter Raleigh?
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It's so good,
they have to keep me locked up!
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And also because I plotted
to overthrow the new King James.
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And I attacked the Spanish when
I said I wouldn't.
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And a bunch
of other stuff.
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What can I say?
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I'm as guilty as my
own cordial. Ooh!
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ANNOUNCER: Guilty cordial.
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Hurry, while stocks last.
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Production will definitely cease on
the 29th of October 1618.
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Ooh! Why? Are they letting me out?
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Um, well, not exactly.
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ARGGH!
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Here we go. Sorry I'm late,
Your Majesty Anne Boleyn.
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Right, I'm thinking we start
with a banquet.
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Lots of musicians, maybe some fun
animal acts, barges full of flowers.
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You do know the event is
my execution?
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Oh!
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Sorry, I was looking at
the wrong list.
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What am I like? That does explain
that expert French swordsman
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they asked for, I suppose.
And the bucket for my severed head?
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Oh, that's what that's for!
You're a smart cookie, in't you?
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No, this other list was for the last
party I threw you -
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it was your coronation!
BUGLE SOUNDS
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Remember? You married Henry VIII?
Lovely day, that was.
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Flotilla of boats.
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You'll be arriving on a boat this
time, as well, actually. Lucky me!
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00:08:27,880 --> 00:08:30,880
Your last one was at The Tower too,
weren't it? In't that funny?
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You had your wedding party here,
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and you're going to have your DEADing
party here, too.
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THEY ALL CHUCKLE
187
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I'm not finding
it that funny.
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All right, please yourself.
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Cor, was it only three year ago?
190
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The last one was absolutely fabulous
and this one will be too.
191
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We're going to send you off
with a bang!
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Well, more of a chop, I suppose.
Then a thud.
193
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Lovely! I LOVE that for us.
194
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Ugh... Ooh, you had cannons at your
last one too? Boom!
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Yeah, we'll have those again.
Announce your death.
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Woohoo.
197
00:08:57,520 --> 00:09:00,320
Ah, everyone loves a public
execution, don't they?
198
00:09:00,320 --> 00:09:03,960
How many people are we expecting?
Between 1,000 and 2,000.
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00:09:03,960 --> 00:09:05,920
BOTH: Ooh!
200
00:09:05,920 --> 00:09:09,040
Someone's popular!
Or unpopular, I suppose...
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THEY CHUCKLE
Are we done?
202
00:09:10,600 --> 00:09:12,680
No, very busy day ahead.
203
00:09:12,680 --> 00:09:14,160
Well, not for you, obviously.
204
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That head's not going to chop
itself off, is it?
205
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Oh, thank you very much. What's this?
206
00:09:18,760 --> 00:09:20,680
Ooh, a message from the King.
207
00:09:20,680 --> 00:09:22,640
Has he changed his mind? Am I saved?
208
00:09:22,640 --> 00:09:26,080
No. He's asking me to organise an
engagement party for him
209
00:09:26,080 --> 00:09:28,520
and Jane Seymour tomorrow!
210
00:09:28,520 --> 00:09:30,880
I love an engagement! Lovely.
211
00:09:30,880 --> 00:09:33,360
Oh, sorry, too soon?
212
00:09:33,360 --> 00:09:36,360
Maybe, mmm-hmm. Mmm...
213
00:09:36,360 --> 00:09:40,760
It's true, I did indeed announce my
engagement to Jane Seymour
214
00:09:40,760 --> 00:09:44,400
just one day after I had Anne
Boleyn executed.
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00:09:44,400 --> 00:09:46,440
And what can I say?
SMASH!
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I was in love, I lost my head.
217
00:09:48,800 --> 00:09:50,960
Although, obviously,
not in the same way Anne did.
218
00:09:50,960 --> 00:09:52,040
AXE SWIPES,
CRUNCH!
219
00:09:52,040 --> 00:09:54,520
Gosh, I love that sound!
And I heard it a lot,
220
00:09:54,520 --> 00:09:57,800
because as well as putting people
IN the Tower of London,
221
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I liked having them executed
there too.
222
00:10:00,640 --> 00:10:02,240
CHOPS away!
223
00:10:02,240 --> 00:10:03,960
Hiya! I'm Henry VIII -
224
00:10:03,960 --> 00:10:06,000
monarch, serial husband,
225
00:10:06,000 --> 00:10:08,520
and massive fan
of chopping people's heads off.
226
00:10:08,520 --> 00:10:09,680
SWEET!
227
00:10:09,680 --> 00:10:12,000
And what better place
to make heads roll than here,
228
00:10:12,000 --> 00:10:13,560
in the Tower of London?
229
00:10:13,560 --> 00:10:17,080
So, in this vid, I'm going to give
you my five faves.
230
00:10:17,080 --> 00:10:19,560
Welcome to...Top Of The Chops.
231
00:10:20,560 --> 00:10:22,520
Ooh, lovely stuff, John.
232
00:10:22,520 --> 00:10:23,800
Off in one.
233
00:10:23,800 --> 00:10:25,760
Thank you, Your Majesty.
234
00:10:25,760 --> 00:10:27,160
WHISPERING: Top bloke.
235
00:10:29,240 --> 00:10:30,280
At number five,
236
00:10:30,280 --> 00:10:32,960
it's my fifth wife,
Catherine Howard.
237
00:10:32,960 --> 00:10:35,720
Her head had to roll because I found
out that she'd had
238
00:10:35,720 --> 00:10:38,760
loads of boyfriends before I married
her, which I did not like.
239
00:10:38,760 --> 00:10:41,000
WAILING
Ladies, top tip -
240
00:10:41,000 --> 00:10:42,960
don't marry a jealous king
241
00:10:42,960 --> 00:10:44,480
with his own axe man.
242
00:10:44,480 --> 00:10:46,320
Bit of beef, Beefy?
243
00:10:46,320 --> 00:10:47,400
I'm vegetarian.
244
00:10:47,400 --> 00:10:48,600
Wh...?
HE SIGHS
245
00:10:48,600 --> 00:10:50,120
KLAXON SOUNDS,
COW MOOS
246
00:10:51,560 --> 00:10:54,640
Anne, my second wife,
my first love,
247
00:10:54,640 --> 00:10:56,680
and number four in
my Top Chops.
248
00:10:56,680 --> 00:11:00,000
I did my job - redecorating the
Tower for her,
249
00:11:00,000 --> 00:11:02,880
she didn't do her job in
giving me a son...
250
00:11:02,880 --> 00:11:04,920
BABY GURGLES
..so, it was choppity-chop-chop.
251
00:11:04,920 --> 00:11:06,080
It was quite sad, though.
252
00:11:06,080 --> 00:11:07,720
She said some
lovely things about me
253
00:11:07,720 --> 00:11:10,120
on the scaffold - even asked
the crowd to pray for me.
254
00:11:10,120 --> 00:11:11,440
Really quite moving.
255
00:11:11,440 --> 00:11:12,920
Still killed her, though!
256
00:11:12,920 --> 00:11:14,280
AXE SWINGS,
WOMAN SCREAMS
257
00:11:15,400 --> 00:11:16,560
PASSER-BY SCREAMS
258
00:11:16,560 --> 00:11:18,400
Oh, wow - a bullseye!
259
00:11:18,400 --> 00:11:20,000
Thomas Cromwell
came a cropper
260
00:11:20,000 --> 00:11:21,280
when he met
the chopper.
261
00:11:21,280 --> 00:11:23,040
He had to go
because he organised
262
00:11:23,040 --> 00:11:24,760
my fourth marriage
to Anne of Cleves,
263
00:11:24,760 --> 00:11:28,040
and she was not nearly as
pretty as he said she was.
264
00:11:29,440 --> 00:11:31,040
He also did a bunch of treason
stuff.
265
00:11:31,040 --> 00:11:34,160
I stuck his head on a
spike on London Bridge.
266
00:11:34,160 --> 00:11:36,000
Well, I had to put it somewhere!
267
00:11:37,360 --> 00:11:39,640
Margaret Pole, she
was a stubborn one.
268
00:11:39,640 --> 00:11:41,840
She made a huge fuss
because she didn't want me
269
00:11:41,840 --> 00:11:43,720
to divorce my ex,
Catherine of Aragon.
270
00:11:43,720 --> 00:11:45,920
She even encouraged an
invasion of England,
271
00:11:45,920 --> 00:11:47,640
and her head was
just as stubborn.
272
00:11:47,640 --> 00:11:49,720
It took 11 chops
to get it off.
273
00:11:53,600 --> 00:11:55,440
Tell you what's not all
fun and games -
274
00:11:55,440 --> 00:11:57,120
beheading someone who
you really like.
275
00:11:57,120 --> 00:11:58,800
Thomas More was a
dear friend of mine,
276
00:11:58,800 --> 00:12:01,000
but guys, you
don't disagree
277
00:12:01,000 --> 00:12:03,080
with the king
on religion.
278
00:12:03,080 --> 00:12:04,480
If people
lose their heads,
279
00:12:04,480 --> 00:12:06,120
people gon' lose their heads!
280
00:12:06,120 --> 00:12:07,160
It was quite sad, though.
281
00:12:07,160 --> 00:12:09,160
The executioner even
apologised to him.
282
00:12:09,160 --> 00:12:10,440
More kissed him and said...
MWAH!
283
00:12:10,440 --> 00:12:12,040
.."It's fine."
284
00:12:12,040 --> 00:12:13,160
So maybe he was
cool with it.
285
00:12:13,160 --> 00:12:14,720
Anyway, top bloke,
shame about the...
286
00:12:14,720 --> 00:12:16,640
AXE CLANGS
So, there you have it,
287
00:12:16,640 --> 00:12:18,280
my five Top Of The Chops!
288
00:12:18,280 --> 00:12:21,440
Don't forget to, like, follow, and
subscribe to my religious reforms -
289
00:12:21,440 --> 00:12:22,600
or else -
290
00:12:22,600 --> 00:12:25,880
and watch out for next week's video,
Top Of The Pork Chops,
291
00:12:25,880 --> 00:12:28,680
where I count down my fave
five royal feasts.
292
00:12:28,680 --> 00:12:30,240
Num, num, num, num, num.
293
00:12:30,240 --> 00:12:31,680
Great swing, John.
A thing of beauty.
294
00:12:31,680 --> 00:12:34,000
Do you want to join me for
a round of tennis?
295
00:12:34,000 --> 00:12:36,240
Say yes, or I'll make you chop your
own head off.
296
00:12:36,240 --> 00:12:37,840
Yeah. Thought so.
Maybe lose the mask.
297
00:12:37,840 --> 00:12:40,040
CHOP!
MAN SCREAMS
298
00:12:40,040 --> 00:12:41,080
Freaking me out.
299
00:12:44,840 --> 00:12:47,240
Hi, I'm the Earl of Winton.
300
00:12:47,240 --> 00:12:51,240
Now, my top tip is to say that you
want to put all your final affairs
301
00:12:51,240 --> 00:12:54,040
in order before you die,
and then get a family friend
302
00:12:54,040 --> 00:12:57,680
to take away all your important
documents in a nice, big hamper.
303
00:12:57,680 --> 00:13:00,280
Ayyy!
304
00:13:00,280 --> 00:13:01,320
Oooh!
305
00:13:01,320 --> 00:13:03,960
HE GUFFAWS
306
00:13:03,960 --> 00:13:05,280
Bye, Jeff.
307
00:13:05,280 --> 00:13:06,960
That was the worst thing
I've ever seen.
308
00:13:06,960 --> 00:13:08,840
So then just turf the documents out
309
00:13:08,840 --> 00:13:11,280
and then you can make your escape in
the hamper.
310
00:13:11,280 --> 00:13:13,080
Your friend won't
mind carrying it!
311
00:13:14,120 --> 00:13:15,800
HE CHUCKLES
312
00:13:15,800 --> 00:13:17,080
OK.
313
00:13:18,080 --> 00:13:19,800
Breathe in.
HE INHALES DEEPLY
314
00:13:21,280 --> 00:13:22,560
MUFFLED: OK, let's bounce.
315
00:13:23,680 --> 00:13:25,240
HE STRAINS
316
00:13:25,240 --> 00:13:27,520
Uh, sounds like you're straining.
317
00:13:27,520 --> 00:13:28,640
PARP!
318
00:13:28,640 --> 00:13:30,600
Ugh, smells like it, too.
That is rank!
319
00:13:30,600 --> 00:13:31,800
It wasn't me, it was...
320
00:13:31,800 --> 00:13:35,040
It was...? Yeah, it was me.
321
00:13:35,040 --> 00:13:38,280
I'm a big farty boy just carrying a
hamper full of documents.
322
00:13:38,280 --> 00:13:40,520
Farty boy?
See you later, then - bye!
323
00:13:40,520 --> 00:13:42,080
PAAAAARP!
324
00:13:42,080 --> 00:13:44,840
MUFFLED: Sorry, I toot when
I'm nervous. Ugh...
325
00:13:44,840 --> 00:13:47,360
Ugh, that is horrible.
326
00:13:47,360 --> 00:13:50,920
CALLING: OK, Winton,
time for your execution.
327
00:13:50,920 --> 00:13:52,840
Winton?
328
00:13:52,840 --> 00:13:54,160
Oh...
329
00:13:54,160 --> 00:13:55,560
He went with the farty boy.
330
00:13:56,800 --> 00:14:00,200
Quite a few people have escaped
from the tower over the centuries.
331
00:14:00,200 --> 00:14:03,880
One guy even tried to escape
down the toilet!
332
00:14:03,880 --> 00:14:06,080
RATTUS CHUCKLES
Legend!
333
00:14:06,080 --> 00:14:09,920
Well, even back in history,
there weren't that many escapees.
334
00:14:09,920 --> 00:14:12,920
Right, so how did people get
out of the tower?
335
00:14:12,920 --> 00:14:15,320
Well, some were released. Great.
336
00:14:15,320 --> 00:14:18,680
But sadly, a lot were taken off
to be executed.
337
00:14:19,640 --> 00:14:20,800
Less great.
338
00:14:20,800 --> 00:14:23,320
That what happened to
Scottish knight and freedom fighter
339
00:14:23,320 --> 00:14:26,400
William Wallace in 1305,
340
00:14:26,400 --> 00:14:29,960
only his execution wasn't
the end of his journey.
341
00:14:29,960 --> 00:14:31,680
BAGPIPES PLAY
342
00:14:33,200 --> 00:14:34,520
HE WHISTLES CHEERFULLY
343
00:14:34,520 --> 00:14:36,880
Let's see... I think this is it.
CLEAR THROAT
344
00:14:38,440 --> 00:14:40,760
Oh, you all right? I'm Baron Segrave.
345
00:14:40,760 --> 00:14:42,800
Sorry, are you one of
them silent monks?
346
00:14:42,800 --> 00:14:45,360
No, I just had a mouthful
of potato scone. Ah, right.
347
00:14:45,360 --> 00:14:48,040
What can I do for you?
I just wanted to check
348
00:14:48,040 --> 00:14:51,400
that this is Stirling, Scotland,
where the vicious rebel
349
00:14:51,400 --> 00:14:54,680
William Wallace slaughtered
5,000 of the King's men?
350
00:14:54,680 --> 00:14:58,240
No, this is where the Scottish
freedom fighter William Wallace...
351
00:14:58,240 --> 00:14:59,960
BAGPIPES PLAY,
FIGHTING ECHOES
352
00:14:59,960 --> 00:15:03,880
..bravely repelled the King's men
before being betrayed and captured
353
00:15:03,880 --> 00:15:06,000
by the English oppressors.
354
00:15:06,000 --> 00:15:08,280
You say "pot-AY-to scon",
I say "pot-AH-to scown". Eh?
355
00:15:08,280 --> 00:15:09,400
I've got something of his.
356
00:15:09,400 --> 00:15:12,280
I wonder if you could sign for it,
please? What, he left us something?
357
00:15:12,280 --> 00:15:15,760
Yeah, he left you something he was
VERY attached to, but we saw to that!
358
00:15:15,760 --> 00:15:17,120
HE CHUCKLES
359
00:15:17,120 --> 00:15:19,400
You're not one of those English
ratbags, are you?
360
00:15:19,400 --> 00:15:20,880
BAGPIPES PLAY,
FIGHTING ECHOES
361
00:15:20,880 --> 00:15:23,720
Oh, yeah, yeah, I came from the
Tower of London. Where they tortured
362
00:15:23,720 --> 00:15:26,240
and executed our heroic William
Wallace? Oh, certainly not.
363
00:15:26,240 --> 00:15:29,040
We did that at Smithfield! At the
Tower, we kept him there captive,
364
00:15:29,040 --> 00:15:31,040
you know, so he couldn't get up to
any mischief.
365
00:15:31,040 --> 00:15:33,720
Get out of here! You don't
want to see what's inside it first?
366
00:15:33,720 --> 00:15:35,160
It's one of a kind.
FLIES BUZZ
367
00:15:35,160 --> 00:15:38,640
Well, I should say two of a kind -
we've got the other leg in the cart,
368
00:15:38,640 --> 00:15:42,240
taking it to Berwick. What kind of
monsters would just slice the legs
369
00:15:42,240 --> 00:15:45,400
off a nation's hero?
Oh, certainly not us.
370
00:15:45,400 --> 00:15:47,800
We sliced off both his arms as well!
HE CHUCKLES
371
00:15:47,800 --> 00:15:50,040
Actual fact, yeah, I'm
taking this one to Newcastle.
372
00:15:50,040 --> 00:15:52,760
I was wondering if you could take
the other one to Perth,
373
00:15:52,760 --> 00:15:55,520
you know, HAND-deliver it, if you
happen to be nearby?
374
00:15:55,520 --> 00:15:57,600
HE CHUCKLES
The day I do anything for the
375
00:15:57,600 --> 00:15:59,720
English is the day I die.
376
00:15:59,720 --> 00:16:01,880
You don't have to be like that.
For all you know,
377
00:16:01,880 --> 00:16:03,640
it's what William would have wanted.
378
00:16:03,640 --> 00:16:06,200
I think I know exactly what William
would have wanted.
379
00:16:06,200 --> 00:16:08,000
BAGPIPES PLAY,
FIGHTING ECHOES
380
00:16:08,000 --> 00:16:09,320
Oh, yeah? What's that?
381
00:16:09,320 --> 00:16:10,720
Get out! GET OUT!
382
00:16:10,720 --> 00:16:12,680
I wish we'd trimmed his toenails!
383
00:16:17,640 --> 00:16:19,880
I was in the army during
the First World War
384
00:16:19,880 --> 00:16:22,360
but I was imprisoned in
the tower for dead.
385
00:16:22,360 --> 00:16:26,400
My top tip for escaping the tower
is to simply walk out
386
00:16:26,400 --> 00:16:29,040
through the door with confidence.
387
00:16:33,320 --> 00:16:34,480
At ease.
388
00:16:37,520 --> 00:16:38,920
HE STIFLES LAUGHTER
389
00:16:41,280 --> 00:16:44,320
And that's how I got out in 1916.
390
00:16:44,320 --> 00:16:45,960
Have a good day, mate.
391
00:16:45,960 --> 00:16:47,000
I know I will.
392
00:16:50,400 --> 00:16:53,200
The last people to actually
be held prisoner at the tower
393
00:16:53,200 --> 00:16:57,480
were gangsters
the Kray Twins in 1952.
394
00:16:57,480 --> 00:17:00,680
But there's still
jobs to be done here, AJ.
395
00:17:00,680 --> 00:17:01,840
That's right, Rattus.
396
00:17:01,840 --> 00:17:04,640
The Tower is still where the crown
jewels are kept,
397
00:17:04,640 --> 00:17:06,920
so the Yeoman Warders have
to guard them, and we have to
398
00:17:06,920 --> 00:17:09,520
attend lots of official ceremonies
throughout the year.
399
00:17:09,520 --> 00:17:12,560
I guess that's why it's important
that you live here too.
400
00:17:12,560 --> 00:17:15,400
Yep, and we're not
the only ones that live here.
401
00:17:15,400 --> 00:17:17,880
Are you talking about my
Uncle Dennis?
402
00:17:17,880 --> 00:17:19,560
He promised he'd stay in the sewer
403
00:17:19,560 --> 00:17:22,480
but he is partial to a bit of cake
from your gift shop.
404
00:17:22,480 --> 00:17:24,920
No, I'm not talking about
your Uncle Dennis.
405
00:17:24,920 --> 00:17:27,880
Oh. I'm talking about
the Constable of the Tower.
406
00:17:27,880 --> 00:17:30,640
There's been a Constable living
here and overseeing how it's run
407
00:17:30,640 --> 00:17:32,440
since the days
of William the Conqueror.
408
00:17:32,440 --> 00:17:35,840
And back in the day,
the job had some very weird perks.
409
00:17:35,840 --> 00:17:37,560
Ooh?
410
00:17:37,560 --> 00:17:39,360
HE WHISTLES
411
00:17:40,720 --> 00:17:42,000
Ooh, a pot!
412
00:17:42,000 --> 00:17:44,880
At last, something to cook
my raw turnip in!
413
00:17:44,880 --> 00:17:46,960
I'll take that!
Hey! What are you doing?
414
00:17:46,960 --> 00:17:48,640
Reclaiming my pot.
415
00:17:48,640 --> 00:17:51,160
The name's John Tiptoft,
Constable of the Tower.
416
00:17:51,160 --> 00:17:53,440
I'm in charge while the
king's not here,
417
00:17:53,440 --> 00:17:55,600
and my job entitles me to anything
418
00:17:55,600 --> 00:17:58,240
that falls off carts into the
tower moat.
419
00:17:58,240 --> 00:18:01,280
Well, have it then. At least you
can't stop me taking these herbs.
420
00:18:01,280 --> 00:18:02,480
SNIFF!
421
00:18:02,480 --> 00:18:04,840
Hopefully they'll take the
taste of the raw turnip away.
422
00:18:04,840 --> 00:18:06,160
I'll have them too. Oh!
423
00:18:06,160 --> 00:18:08,720
All herbs and plants growing in the
area of Tower Hill
424
00:18:08,720 --> 00:18:10,280
also belong to moi.
425
00:18:10,280 --> 00:18:12,320
SWAN HONKS
426
00:18:12,320 --> 00:18:15,120
Ah, stop looking at my swan.
427
00:18:15,120 --> 00:18:18,520
Oh, come on, you can't own the swans!
428
00:18:18,520 --> 00:18:19,800
Aw, my turnip!
429
00:18:19,800 --> 00:18:24,040
As constable, I am entitled to any
swans under London Bridge.
430
00:18:25,680 --> 00:18:28,520
Oink! Help! I was taking my
pig over the bridge
431
00:18:28,520 --> 00:18:29,720
and it fell in the river.
432
00:18:29,720 --> 00:18:31,720
Not your pig. My pig. What?!
433
00:18:31,720 --> 00:18:36,320
As constable, I am entitled
to all pigs, horses, oxen and sheep
434
00:18:36,320 --> 00:18:39,160
that fall from London Bridge
into the Thames.
435
00:18:39,160 --> 00:18:41,240
That's mine too. Moo!
436
00:18:41,240 --> 00:18:44,280
But I brought the pigs all the way
from Norfolk in my boat.
437
00:18:44,280 --> 00:18:45,920
Wait. Why were
you travelling by boat?
438
00:18:45,920 --> 00:18:48,720
I'm on a pilgrimage
to the shrine of St James.
439
00:18:48,720 --> 00:18:50,600
I was dropping the pigs
off on the way.
440
00:18:50,600 --> 00:18:52,520
Oh, excellent.
You owe me two pence.
441
00:18:52,520 --> 00:18:55,240
What?! As constable, I am entitled
to take two pence
442
00:18:55,240 --> 00:18:58,360
off of every pilgrim to St James
that comes in by sea.
443
00:18:58,360 --> 00:19:01,080
Also a shilling from each herring
boat, six shillings and eight pence
444
00:19:01,080 --> 00:19:03,520
for all fishing boats and a portion
of cargo from each boat
445
00:19:03,520 --> 00:19:06,240
moored at Tower Wharf.
See my face for details. Ugh.
446
00:19:06,240 --> 00:19:09,000
Oh, and a portion of your boat's
cargo too, if you don't mind.
447
00:19:09,000 --> 00:19:11,440
Hmm, you're welcome to it.
Ker-ching!
448
00:19:11,440 --> 00:19:14,360
You can have the pigswill. Er...
449
00:19:14,360 --> 00:19:17,760
Ugh! Oh, ugh! There's plenty
where that came from.
450
00:19:17,760 --> 00:19:20,320
Keep it! I'll let you off this time.
451
00:19:20,320 --> 00:19:22,480
Ugh, that stinks!
Rub some of your herbs in,
452
00:19:22,480 --> 00:19:23,560
it'll take the smell away!
453
00:19:23,560 --> 00:19:25,280
Won't help with the flies, though.
454
00:19:25,280 --> 00:19:27,120
Ooh! Oh!
455
00:19:27,120 --> 00:19:29,720
Oh, these flies aren't mine.
456
00:19:29,720 --> 00:19:32,640
You can keep the flies.
457
00:19:32,640 --> 00:19:34,240
Ugh... Ha-ha-ha!
458
00:19:35,200 --> 00:19:38,320
Oh, gosh.
What a busy day I've had praying.
459
00:19:38,320 --> 00:19:41,800
Yes, that's what us vicars
do after all, pray, pray, pray.
460
00:19:41,800 --> 00:19:44,240
Not really.
It's me, Colonel Thomas Blood.
461
00:19:44,240 --> 00:19:46,560
This is the disguise I use
to successfully steal
462
00:19:46,560 --> 00:19:49,840
Charles II's crown jewels from
the Tower of London.
463
00:19:49,840 --> 00:19:51,360
I talked the
master of the jewel
464
00:19:51,360 --> 00:19:52,960
house into taking
me to see them,
465
00:19:52,960 --> 00:19:55,840
pushed him out the way,
grabbed jewels and legged it!
466
00:19:55,840 --> 00:19:59,400
But what did I do to the crown
to get it to fit under my coat?
467
00:19:59,400 --> 00:20:00,440
Did I...?
468
00:20:05,200 --> 00:20:06,280
The answer is C.
469
00:20:06,280 --> 00:20:08,280
I bashed it until it would fit
470
00:20:08,280 --> 00:20:10,360
neatly under my coat.
471
00:20:10,360 --> 00:20:12,680
Some might say that this
would ruin it,
472
00:20:12,680 --> 00:20:15,280
but I think a flat crown would
rather suit me.
473
00:20:15,280 --> 00:20:18,920
Actually, I could wear it as a
rather fetching brooch.
474
00:20:18,920 --> 00:20:21,600
Yeah, the robbery was a
total success.
475
00:20:21,600 --> 00:20:24,240
Apart from dropping some of the booty
on the way out and getting caught.
476
00:20:24,240 --> 00:20:27,120
You're nicked! Not going to let any
of that put me off, though.
477
00:20:27,120 --> 00:20:30,160
Not while I've still
got my brilliant disguise on.
478
00:20:30,160 --> 00:20:31,560
The ears are fake.
479
00:20:33,280 --> 00:20:35,280
Just in case that wasn't clear.
480
00:20:35,280 --> 00:20:38,200
Am I allowed to
touch the Crown Jewels, AJ?
481
00:20:38,200 --> 00:20:39,560
No. Oh.
482
00:20:39,560 --> 00:20:40,840
Are you allowed to touch them?
483
00:20:40,840 --> 00:20:43,840
No-one touches the Crown Jewels.
Right.
484
00:20:43,840 --> 00:20:46,600
Well, you'd better have
this back then. What?
485
00:20:46,600 --> 00:20:49,040
Don't worry, it'll glue back on.
486
00:20:49,040 --> 00:20:50,320
Unbelievable.
487
00:20:50,320 --> 00:20:54,640
So, nowadays, the tower is a
big tourist attraction, and people
488
00:20:54,640 --> 00:20:58,000
can come and see all the famous
stuff, like the Crown Jewels,
489
00:20:58,000 --> 00:21:00,400
Traitors' Gate, the White Tower,
490
00:21:00,400 --> 00:21:02,440
and, of course, the ravens.
491
00:21:02,440 --> 00:21:05,520
I bet the tourists love it.
They do.
492
00:21:05,520 --> 00:21:07,680
But there was one constable
of the tower who didn't
493
00:21:07,680 --> 00:21:09,760
like the tourists very much at all.
494
00:21:09,760 --> 00:21:13,440
The Duke of Wellington used to work
here, and he tried very hard to put
495
00:21:13,440 --> 00:21:15,160
tourists off from visiting. Oh!
496
00:21:16,120 --> 00:21:19,800
The tower's constable has been the
boss for a couple of years now
497
00:21:19,800 --> 00:21:22,240
and he's recently got himself
another exciting job,
498
00:21:22,240 --> 00:21:24,000
which is causing quite a stir.
499
00:21:25,120 --> 00:21:26,520
Our boss here at the tower
500
00:21:26,520 --> 00:21:28,240
was already a bit of a big deal.
501
00:21:28,240 --> 00:21:29,600
He's the Duke of Wellington.
502
00:21:29,600 --> 00:21:33,200
As in, won the Battle of
Waterloo, Duke of Wellington.
503
00:21:33,200 --> 00:21:36,040
And now he's been made the Prime
Minister of the whole country.
504
00:21:37,280 --> 00:21:38,520
Good morning, PM.
505
00:21:40,840 --> 00:21:43,160
What are those?
Just the usual tourists, sir.
506
00:21:43,160 --> 00:21:45,840
How many times do I have to say?
This is a fortress.
507
00:21:45,840 --> 00:21:49,280
Oh, my goodness. It's
the new Prime Minister. Ooh!
508
00:21:51,520 --> 00:21:53,600
Oh! I'm so sorry about that.
509
00:21:53,600 --> 00:21:57,720
The actual Prime Minister slammed
a door in my face.
510
00:21:57,720 --> 00:21:59,880
And we thought
seeing Traitors' Gate was cool!
511
00:21:59,880 --> 00:22:01,720
This place is amazing.
512
00:22:01,720 --> 00:22:04,360
We have got to bring everyone
else next time.
513
00:22:04,360 --> 00:22:05,600
Oh, can you let him know?
514
00:22:05,600 --> 00:22:07,720
We've got some ideas
for merchandise.
515
00:22:07,720 --> 00:22:12,040
I'm thinking a bodice with, "Raving
about ravens" embroidered across...
516
00:22:12,040 --> 00:22:13,720
Please make them go away,
Yeoman Warder.
517
00:22:13,720 --> 00:22:15,040
Is he talking about us? No.
518
00:22:15,040 --> 00:22:17,520
I am talking about them.
Make them go away.
519
00:22:17,520 --> 00:22:20,000
How about I show you a different
part of the tower?
520
00:22:20,000 --> 00:22:22,240
Oh, I'd love to see another part
of the tower. Yes!
521
00:22:22,240 --> 00:22:24,160
See you later!
522
00:22:24,160 --> 00:22:27,200
Have you seen the Crown Jewels?
Oh, exciting!
523
00:22:28,240 --> 00:22:30,680
It's not that I
hate the general public,
524
00:22:30,680 --> 00:22:32,600
it's just this is a military post.
525
00:22:32,600 --> 00:22:36,040
The tower is here to defend against
revolutionaries and the like.
526
00:22:36,040 --> 00:22:39,000
We can't do that with the general
public just wandering around.
527
00:22:39,000 --> 00:22:42,120
I mean, they don't even
know how to march properly.
528
00:22:42,120 --> 00:22:44,680
Even though he's splitting
his attention between the tower
529
00:22:44,680 --> 00:22:48,000
and being PM, the Duke still finds
time to explain to staff
530
00:22:48,000 --> 00:22:51,440
his new strategy to make
the tower more military-focused.
531
00:22:51,440 --> 00:22:56,200
We must create a plan of battle
against the enemy.
532
00:22:56,200 --> 00:22:57,880
Do you mean the tourists?
533
00:22:57,880 --> 00:22:58,920
Exactly.
534
00:23:01,000 --> 00:23:04,240
The Duke wanted to raise the ticket
prices to keep the riff-raff out,
535
00:23:04,240 --> 00:23:05,920
but he wasn't allowed to.
536
00:23:05,920 --> 00:23:10,360
In fact, the ticket prices went
down, so instead he banned groups
537
00:23:10,360 --> 00:23:12,280
of larger than 12 people.
538
00:23:12,280 --> 00:23:16,720
And then also, to be extra safe,
he's brought in these.
539
00:23:16,720 --> 00:23:19,320
He's worried about the tourists
taking over the tower
540
00:23:19,320 --> 00:23:21,880
and starting a rebel uprising.
541
00:23:21,880 --> 00:23:23,280
In my experience, he should be
542
00:23:23,280 --> 00:23:25,240
more worried about us running
out of cake.
543
00:23:25,240 --> 00:23:27,760
I mean, that's when things
really kick off.
544
00:23:27,760 --> 00:23:28,800
I don't understand.
545
00:23:28,800 --> 00:23:32,000
I mean, the queue to see the Crown
Jewels is twice as long as normal.
546
00:23:32,000 --> 00:23:34,000
You should see how busy
the armoury is, boss.
547
00:23:34,000 --> 00:23:37,280
People really love what you've done
with the place.
548
00:23:37,280 --> 00:23:40,120
Those are functional, military
weapons to defend the castle!
549
00:23:40,120 --> 00:23:41,920
And they're also fun to sit on.
550
00:23:41,920 --> 00:23:43,840
At least I was allowed to
drain the moat.
551
00:23:43,840 --> 00:23:47,360
I bet the tourists are furious
about that one.
552
00:23:47,360 --> 00:23:50,440
It turns out that the visitors
hated the moat too. It stank.
553
00:23:50,440 --> 00:23:53,200
But they love the new
parade ground we replaced it with.
554
00:23:53,200 --> 00:23:54,480
They like watching the soldiers.
555
00:23:54,480 --> 00:23:56,920
We're one of the top tourist
attractions in the country.
556
00:23:56,920 --> 00:23:58,280
It's ridiculous.
557
00:23:58,280 --> 00:24:00,480
The most magnificent fortress
in the country,
558
00:24:00,480 --> 00:24:02,520
filled with giddy sightseers.
559
00:24:02,520 --> 00:24:04,560
KNOCKING
What?
560
00:24:05,640 --> 00:24:07,480
We've run out of cake.
561
00:24:07,480 --> 00:24:10,240
Gah!
562
00:24:11,760 --> 00:24:14,440
Caw-caw! Caw-caw!
563
00:24:14,440 --> 00:24:16,160
Victory! Pauline!
564
00:24:16,160 --> 00:24:17,880
Your lunch is ready.
565
00:24:17,880 --> 00:24:19,640
Ah, hello there!
566
00:24:19,640 --> 00:24:20,960
Winston Churchill here.
567
00:24:20,960 --> 00:24:24,560
I'm just laying out a spot of lunch
for the Tower of London ravens.
568
00:24:24,560 --> 00:24:27,000
Come on, girls! Grub's up.
569
00:24:27,000 --> 00:24:28,560
I hope they haven't disappeared.
570
00:24:28,560 --> 00:24:30,920
There's a legend that something
very bad will happen
571
00:24:30,920 --> 00:24:32,960
if there are no ravens in the tower.
572
00:24:32,960 --> 00:24:34,640
But what is it?
573
00:24:34,640 --> 00:24:35,680
Is it...?
574
00:24:43,640 --> 00:24:45,000
The answer is...
575
00:24:45,000 --> 00:24:46,040
..B!
576
00:24:46,040 --> 00:24:49,520
Yes. It's said that the kingdom will
fall if the ravens leave the tower.
577
00:24:49,520 --> 00:24:53,240
That's why I had more bought in
after the Second World War Blitz.
578
00:24:53,240 --> 00:24:54,800
Girls, come on, now!
579
00:24:54,800 --> 00:24:57,200
Don't tease Uncle Winnie.
580
00:24:57,200 --> 00:24:58,600
I do hope they haven't left.
581
00:24:58,600 --> 00:25:00,680
CAWING
Ah, good. There they are.
582
00:25:00,680 --> 00:25:02,720
POO SLOSHES
583
00:25:02,720 --> 00:25:04,760
CAWING
584
00:25:04,760 --> 00:25:07,080
Of course. Caw! Caw! Caw!
585
00:25:07,080 --> 00:25:10,400
The Ravens are probably
the most famous residents
586
00:25:10,400 --> 00:25:13,000
of the tower nowadays,
aren't they, AJ?
587
00:25:13,000 --> 00:25:14,120
No offence.
588
00:25:14,120 --> 00:25:16,040
None taken. We love the ravens.
589
00:25:16,040 --> 00:25:18,680
There's even a special yeoman warder
called the Raven Master,
590
00:25:18,680 --> 00:25:21,200
who looks after them. Ooh!
Ravens are thought to have been
591
00:25:21,200 --> 00:25:23,240
at the tower since
the reign of Charles II.
592
00:25:23,240 --> 00:25:26,040
Rats will have been here even
longer, of course.
593
00:25:26,040 --> 00:25:28,640
Maybe. But we don't
talk about your Uncle Dennis.
594
00:25:28,640 --> 00:25:29,960
We're not big fans.
595
00:25:29,960 --> 00:25:32,000
To be fair, neither is Auntie Edna.
596
00:25:32,000 --> 00:25:34,160
Well, thanks for showing
us round, AJ.
597
00:25:34,160 --> 00:25:35,600
Keep up the good work.
598
00:25:35,600 --> 00:25:38,600
Now, how about singing us a song
to finish up?
599
00:25:38,600 --> 00:25:40,680
Thanks, but no.
600
00:25:40,680 --> 00:25:42,200
Good job we've got this then.
601
00:25:43,720 --> 00:25:46,000
602
00:25:46,000 --> 00:25:50,560
603
00:25:50,560 --> 00:25:52,400
604
00:25:52,400 --> 00:25:53,600
605
00:25:53,600 --> 00:25:57,520
606
00:25:57,520 --> 00:25:59,240
607
00:25:59,240 --> 00:26:00,880
608
00:26:00,880 --> 00:26:02,520
609
00:26:02,520 --> 00:26:04,120
610
00:26:04,120 --> 00:26:06,280
611
00:26:06,280 --> 00:26:08,160
612
00:26:08,160 --> 00:26:10,720
was a prison
613
00:26:10,720 --> 00:26:12,520
614
00:26:14,440 --> 00:26:17,960
tower went missing
615
00:26:17,960 --> 00:26:19,760
616
00:26:21,200 --> 00:26:24,640
Richard became king
617
00:26:24,640 --> 00:26:27,880
terrible days
618
00:26:27,880 --> 00:26:29,840
of Jane Grey
619
00:26:29,840 --> 00:26:32,560
Jane Grey
620
00:26:32,560 --> 00:26:34,800
621
00:26:34,800 --> 00:26:37,640
622
00:26:37,640 --> 00:26:38,680
623
00:26:38,680 --> 00:26:40,640
624
00:26:42,600 --> 00:26:43,920
625
00:26:45,720 --> 00:26:49,360
panthers' and lions' den
626
00:26:49,360 --> 00:26:51,040
627
00:26:52,760 --> 00:26:55,440
in the Thames
628
00:26:56,600 --> 00:26:58,560
629
00:26:58,560 --> 00:27:00,000
630
00:27:00,000 --> 00:27:01,640
631
00:27:01,640 --> 00:27:03,800
632
00:27:03,800 --> 00:27:05,840
633
00:27:05,840 --> 00:27:07,240
wife, Catherine
634
00:27:07,240 --> 00:27:09,840
was a prison
635
00:27:09,840 --> 00:27:11,600
636
00:27:13,280 --> 00:27:17,000
it'll stand proudly
637
00:27:17,000 --> 00:27:18,920
638
00:27:20,080 --> 00:27:21,720
639
00:27:21,720 --> 00:27:23,840
640
00:27:23,840 --> 00:27:27,000
all the historical things
641
00:27:27,000 --> 00:27:28,960
of Anne Boleyn
642
00:27:28,960 --> 00:27:31,320
Boleyn
643
00:27:31,320 --> 00:27:34,480
644
00:27:34,480 --> 00:27:36,560
645
00:27:36,560 --> 00:27:37,720
646
00:27:37,720 --> 00:27:39,600
647
00:27:41,760 --> 00:27:42,880
648
00:27:44,360 --> 00:27:47,800
649
00:27:51,800 --> 00:27:54,160
I bashed it until it would...
650
00:27:54,160 --> 00:27:55,760
Very good thing.
651
00:27:55,760 --> 00:27:58,360
I've broken the hammer already.
652
00:27:58,360 --> 00:28:02,240
Ha, I've completely forgotten what
my character's name is.
653
00:28:02,240 --> 00:28:05,120
a mystery
654
00:28:05,120 --> 00:28:09,920
Horrible Histories.
48094
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