Original subtitles

# Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians # Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians

# Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights

# Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

# Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times

# Romans rotten, rank and ruthless

# Cavemen savage, fierce and toothless

# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages

# Gory stories, we do that

# And your host, a talking rat

# The past is no longer a mystery

# Welcome to...

# Horrible Histories. #

Horrible Histories presents...

This summer, Brothers Grimm Musicals presents

your favourite fairy tales as they were originally written.

Including...

BIRDS TWITTER

HUNTSMAN HUMS A TUNE

Ah! Huntsman!

# Hey, hon Hey, hon

# Let's go and hide, let's run

# Cos if we don't run, it'll be no fun

# When the Queen eats your liver and your lungs. #

Wait, what?! That's right.

Just like in the original book,

this queen wants to eat Snow White's lungs and her liver.

Uh...this is a family film, right?

Yeah... I mean, the stories do still have happy endings,

like when Snow White gets the better of the evil queen!

# Now that matters have been settled

# I have shoes of burning metal

# Cos of the things I did and said

# They'll make me dance until I'm dead

# Dancing till I'm dead

# The floor's burning where I tread

# Dancing, dancing, dancing, dancing, dancing till I'm dead! #

Right, are we...are we totally sure

these are the right vibes for a musical?

Can we please not have a debate about this?!

My feet are on fire! Ow!

And next year, Brothers Grimm Musicals presents...

..Cinderella!

Oh, well, at least you can't go wrong with that!

Um...sure, if you say so.

# The foot that will fit this slipper

# Shall always be mine

# My heart just did a flip

# I hope it's a size nine... #

RECORD SCRATCH Foot first!

Featuring The Ugly Stepsisters.

# Who'll cut off our toes, cut off our heels

# Try on the shoe, see how it feels

# Then our love will truly bud

# Just try to ignore the blood

# It's bloodily, gorily grim

# It's bloodily, gorily grim

# Bloodily, gorily, bloodily, gorily, bloodily, gorily grim. #

I'm going to have nightmares for the rest of my life.

# No, you won't sleep because of the cries

# As the birds peck out our eyes... #

Whoa. Too much. Too much. CROW CAWS

# It's bloodily, gorily grim. #

The Brothers Grimm Musicals based on their original book of fairy tales...

Fairy tales?!

More like scary tales!

RATTUS LAUGHS

Anyway, I'm trying to decide on my World Book Day outfit. Shh!

Ah! What are the chances?

It's comedian and author of the brilliant Amazing Edie Eckhart books,

Rosie Jones!

Yes...

..and I'm trying to read!

Not any more!

I've come here to the library for some outfit inspo,

and you're going to help me!

I'm busy!

I can give you half a chocolate bar.

I'm in!

Brilliant.

What do you think of this one? HE GRUNTS

Ta-da!

A rat with some big ears?

I'm Peter Rat-bit!

Obviously.

Well, once you know how Beatrix Potter

learned how to draw the animals in her books,

you might want to wear something else.

Ooh...

Ah! Oh, stop pulling, you naughty little sausage.

Oh, my gosh, I think that's Beatrix Potter. Ah!

Oh...

Excuse me. SHE LAUGHS

We're such big fans of Peter Rabbit and Benjamin Bunny.

They're so cute!

And the drawings are just so accurate -

you really made us believe that a rabbit could wear clothes.

Oh, well, I do love animals.

I'm an award-winning sheep farmer.

SHE GASPS Little baa-lambs.

So cute!

I don't suppose I could get you to sign one of your books, could I?

Oh, if you've got a copy of Benjamin Bunny there,

he can sign it for you himself.

Oh, my goodness!

Is that the real-life Benjamin Bunny?

And you take him for walks on a little lead.

Oh, he's so adorable. Yes, Benjamin is such a good bun-bun.

BEATRIX LAUGHS You let me draw you for my books,

don't you?

BOTH: Aw!

When I first got paid for my books,

I bought him lots and lots of treats to say thank you,

and the silly billy gobbled them all up and made himself poorly.

BOTH: Aw!

Yes, luckily he got better,

so I didn't have to cut him up like all the other rabbits.

Aw! SHE LAUGHS

What? Well, of course I get the accuracy of my lovely drawings

by peeling off the skin of dead wild rabbits with my big knife.

Don't I, Benj?

You skin all the little rabbits?!

Well, I have to study their anatomy

in order for the illustrations to be accurate.

And then of course I boil off their flesh...

HE GROANS ..so I can study their

wittle wabbity skeletons.

Anyway... SHE LAUGHS

..we probably shouldn't keep you.

Oh. Run for it, Benji! Run for the hills!

For the hills?

Oh, that's a wonderful idea.

There'll be lots more bunnies for us to study there.

Won't there, Benjamin?

Thank you.

Goodbye.

WHISPERS: I guess it's like they say...

..never meet your heroes.

Yeah.

ROALD LAUGHS

Oh, hello. It's me, Roald Dahl.

I'm here writing another of those...

..phizz-whizzing books you love so much,

full of fun words I made up that make you churgle.

Now, you know, when I was a boy I loved reading Beatrix Potter.

I thought her books were...

I even met her once.

It was when I was a jumpsy six-year-old,

and she said something to me that I always remembered.

But what did she say?

Did she say, A, "Follow your dreams, young man,"

B, "Always write what you know,"

or C, "Buzz off"?

Well, the answer is C.

I said I'd come to meet Beatrix Potter and she said,

"Well, you've seen her now.

"Buzz off!"

I felt quite biffsquiggled.

She wrote razztwizzling books,

but if you met her on the wrong day,

she could be a fizzwiggling frumpet!

Know what I mean?

Halla, Tove Jansson here,

creator of The Moomins.

Mythical creatures that I was inspired to invent as a child

after a huge row with my idiot brothers.

I was so angry,

I decided to draw the ugliest thing I could think of...

..right on the toilet wall.

SHE GROANS AND TRUMPS, WATER SPLOSHES

Don't you write on toilet walls, though.

Even if you are inspired to create characters

who are loved all around the world.

SHE TRUMPS Much better to...

..carry a notepad with you.

So, when inspiration strikes, you can draw in that instead

and you won't get into trouble.

SHE TRUMPS AND GROANS

I think I'm having another great idea now.

SHE TRUMPS AND GROANS

WATER SPLOSHES

And of course the paper may come in handy when you're in the toilet.

It can be a bit scratchy though.

One great place to get books from is a library.

Your school might have one,

and maybe books aren't the only thing you can find there

if you look hard enough.

Author Charles Dickens...

Please, sir, can I have some more of his books?

..actually has a special secret door built into a bookcase in his home.

Shush! This is a library!

Excuse me?

I'm the Queen!

Ooh. Um...shush, Your Majesty?

Better. Honestly!

Some people.

And in here is my secret room.

In an act of perfect cunning

I've hidden the door behind a bookcase filled with fake books.

These are all fake? Fake and hilarious. Look...

..I've given them all funny titles.

Life & Letters of the Learned Pig. CHARLES LAUGHS

Hoyle on the Turnip! THEY LAUGH

That sounds quite good actually, can I borrow it?

No, as I said, they're fake books.

Yes, you did say that. Yeah...yeah. THEY LAUGH

Cat's Lives...

..in nine volumes! THEY LAUGH HYSTERICALLY

LAUGHING: Because of the cat!

A Carpenter's Bench of Bishops! HE LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY

I've actually read that one!

No, you can't have - they're fake books!

Are you sure? They're all invented...

..by me. I get it.

Some of these are quite funny, actually.

"Great Expectations." Ha...OK.

"Bleak House," I mean, what is that?!

Just a book about sort of a house that's really boring

because there's nothing in it?!

HE LAUGHS They're real books.

"A Christmas Carol"?! OK.

What's that, just a book about this woman called Carol

who just likes Christmas?!

That's so silly! These are my books.

I wrote them.

"Nicholas Nickleby"!

Now that, I can see exactly what you've done there.

What?

"Nicholas" as in Knicker-ess"?

That's low-brow, I wouldn't do that.

"Oliver Twist"!

HE LAUGHS How'd you come up with this rubbish?

Honestly. Right, that's it!

Would you look at that over there? Oh, what?

Huh?

HE LAUGHS

Mr Dickens!

Hello?! HE LAUGHS

How'd you...how'd you open the secret door?

Charlie?!

Check me out now!

I'm Ratilda and I can move things with my mind,

just like in the book. RATILDA LAUGHS

How on earth are you doing that?!

Don't distract me, Rosie!

HE TRUMPS Oh!

Oh...

..Rosie!

That wasn't me, that was you!

And you really shouldn't do that in the library.

It's a side-effect from all the concentration.

Anyway, did you know a lot of famous story writers

didn't just write amazing fiction stories, Rosie?

Some of them wrote nonfiction books too!

Yeah, but they weren't always as popular.

True.

Right, shall I try and float a spoon again?

RATILDA TRUMPS No.

HE SIGHS

Hello and welcome to our Gone Show World Book Day special.

I hope you're all dressed up as your favourite book characters at home.

I know I am.

THUNDER CRASHES, SINISTER ORGAN CHORD

Who are you?

I'm Harry...

Never mind.

Who's your favourite character from a book, Guy?

Dracula!

Why are you wearing a scarf inside?

Our first special World Book Day guest is the author of Dracula.

Victorian horror novelist, Bram Stoker.

Why's he dressed like that?

The vampires in my book, Dracula, didn't dress like that!

So, uh, Bram, you're here to tell us about your latest book.

Is it as spooky and fantastical as your last one?

No, actually it's a factual book about famous impostors...

..like Queen Elizabeth I.

Ooh! How was she an impostor?

The Queen...

..was a man!

Sorry... Yes, it's my firm belief that the real Queen Elizabeth

was swapped for a boy when she was a child.

Think about it -

why did Queen Elizabeth never have children?

Why did she wear all that make-up?!

Hmm?!

Um...because she was never married

and she wanted to cover up her smallpox scars?

No. Because she was a vampire!

No! And I'm not here to talk about Dracula.

If you're not going to take my nonfiction writing seriously,

I'm leaving! Right?!

OK. I'm going!

Sounds like someone woke up

on the wrong side of their coffin this morning.

You're still not allowed to talk about Dracula

even after I've stormed off!

Shush!

Anyway, our next guest is another Victorian writer.

We might need a clue...

..to detect where he is.

I hope he's in the studio...

..and not at Holmes.

Yeah, well done, Guy.

It's Sherlock Holmes author, Arthur Conan Doyle.

I'm keen today to talk about my serious factual work,

so, um, please don't talk about Sherlock Holmes again.

OK?

GUY SIGHS Please tell us about your new

factual book, Mr Doyle.

It's about...

..The Cottingley Fairies! The what?

Two young girls in Yorkshire

photographed real, actual fairies in their garden!

So, yeah, I wrote a book about them...

..The Coming Of The Fairies!

Woo! Right...

And you're sure they didn't just cut out some pictures of fairies

and then photograph them in their garden for a laugh?

LAUGHING: No!

It's impossible. They've been checked by experts.

And the experts said they were real, did they?

No.

One said they were fake,

but two, importantly...

..weren't sure.

Which, now that I've said that out loud, it does sound bad.

Well, I congratulate you and Mr Stoker

on your very active imaginations. ARTHUR SIGHS

Oh, another walk-out.

It's a funny day when Guy's the most sensible person on the show.

Dumbledore!

Ay, yo...

..welcome to Literary Rap Battle.

And tonight, laying down the tracks for the title...

..is none other than MY GUY...

..William "The Bard" Shakspeare-eare-eare-eare!

Eare-eare...

And bringing the rhyming challenge,

The Bible! The Bible?!

The King James Bible, represented by King James himself!

Er... MC KJ in the pa-lace!

Ay! Let's do this!

I ain't scared of you Stratford-upon-Avon gangstas!

Yeah, well, you didn't write The Bible.

Hey! I paid for that translation.

My money, my Bible.

And it gave the English language way more phrases than your work did.

Wait...wait...there's only one way to settle this!

Oi, Your Majesty,

let's get it started! BEAT KICKS IN

# Oi, let's have some fun

# There's nothing new under the sun

# You're in for it now, Mister holier than thou

# I don't want to put words in your mouth but I'd give up right now

# I vow that I can give you an eye for an eyeful

# Cos next to my Bible, Shakespeare's a trifle! #

OH! HYPE MEN SHOUT

Oi, Shakespeare,

you just got dissed, player!

Come on! RECORD SCRATCH

# All of a sudden, Shakespeare's in the chair

# Knock knock, who's there?

# It's King James's chances

# Melted into thin air

# This ain't for the faint-hearted

# This guy's bated breath smells like he farted

# In one fell swoop

# Knock knock, and I'm back where I started. #

HE LAUGHS

Your Majesty...

..you must be bare incensed! RECORD SCRATCH

# No peace for the wicked, you'll see

# You'll tire in this baptism of fire

# I go the extra mile to my heart's desire

# I go from strength to strength

# Right down to the wire

# I am the letter and the spirit of the law they call Lord

# I am the double-edged sword

# I live by the sword and die by the sword

# Where there's Shakey, I am adored. #

OH! HYPE MEN CHEER

Shakespeare...stay down!

All right. You're hurt! You're hurt!

# Hurt?! Pfft, I'm just playing nice

# I'm breaking the ice

# I'm playing fast and loose

# Take my advice

# I've seen the brave new world and it's paradise

# I'm the fly in the ointment and that ain't nice... #

Ay, ay, wait! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Wait, wait, wait...

I think we have a error. Yeah! I gotcha!

"Fly in the ointment." That's from the King James Bible, baby!

Check it! Check it!

Mm. Yeah...

Aw!

BELL DINGS, THEY GROAN IN CELEBRATION

King James wins...

..by lyrical knockout!

Ooh, how the mighty have fallen!

That's one of mine. Another point for me.

Come on, guys, we don't need this.

Let's bounce!

As in let's leave.

BOTH: Oh, right. Yeah, yeah.

The Bible is one of the only books we Puritans really like.

Many Puritans like it so much they want to ban the other books.

And it's not just books they have a problem with.

some early Puritan settlers in America

decided that you could be arrested just for reading!

Especially if you're a woman!

SIRENS WAIL

Being in law enforcement in a new colony is tough.

The folks here in Massachusetts Bay are desperate.

It does not take much for them to turn to crime.

The number-one threat we're dealing with today is...

ARROW BOINGS

..women reading.

That and the locals who don't want us here.

We've received intel

that there is a gang of women readers

operating from inside this house.

It looks just like an ordinary house.

It's not.

It's a book den.

Makes you sick!

Word is the leader's a woman called Anne Hutchinson.

Apparently she organised the book gang on the boat over from Europe.

Some of the women get in so deep...

..their lips don't even move while they're reading.

If that's not witchcraft, what is?

The Puritan General Assembly here in the Massachusetts Bay Colony

have outlawed the book gang, and that's why we're here today.

We're hoping that the ringleader, Hutchinson,

will be in there herself,

teaching with her books.

Ha. Well, not on my watch.

They're going down.

You go in, I'll cover you.

Yeah.

And then in chapter five we see that...

Go, go, go, go! Oh!

This is a book raid!

Put the book down and step away!

But I'll lose my page!

STAMMERING: All right! Put a bookmark inside the book,

then put the book down, then step away!

We got a runner!

Stop in the name of the Puritan law!

Book launch! Argh!

Argh! I'm hit!

HE GROANS AND WHIMPERS

You're going to be OK, buddy. Argh...

..I think it was a hardback.

The scars are just part of the job.

I mean, look at this one.

Paper cut.

I feel all cold.

Hey, hey, hey, don't speak like that!

Look at me! Look at me!

It's a reminder of what we face out there every single day.

Officer Scratcher here...

..is going to read you your rights. Hang on.

STAMMERING: Why am I going to read them?

Well, you've got the card, so...

Yeah, but...

..I can't read, can I? Well, I can't read either.

What do you want me to do, just make it up? Uh, 'scuse me.

Mm? Would you like me to read the card for you?

You know, some of the days are hard,

but if we can do a little good here and there

like preventing women from reading,

then it'll all have been worthwhile.

"You..." I "..have the right to remain silent.

"Anything you..." I "..say,

"can and will be used against you." Me.

Oh, we really appreciate this.

Mm-hm. I mean, obviously we will have to add you reading this

to the list of charges, but...

..Puritan law's the Puritan law.

Check out my latest Book Day outfit.

I'm Pooh!

Well, yeah, that does explain the smell.

What? No! I'm Winnie-the-Pooh!

Look, I've got a jar of honey!

I'm always playing Pooh sticks in the sewer.

You're throwing sticks in the sewer?!

Um, yeah...

..they're not exactly sticks.

Aw, no!

Well, at least you've got a good taste in books.

Oh, yes!

I love getting my teeth into a good book.

CHOMP!

Yeah, well, get your teeth into your own book next time!

Sorry about that.

But I do love a good story,

and the more fantastic, the tastier, uh, better!

Some of the most famous tales feature in one collection of stories

that come from Middle Eastern folklore.

WINGS FLUTTER

Monsieur Diab, just the man I've been looking for.

Ah, Monsieur Galland, how is your translation

of One Thousand and One Arabian Nights coming along?

Actually, that's what I wanted to talk to you about.

I have a slight problem. How is that possible?

It's such a rich and ancient collection

of Middle Eastern stories.

Oui, but the collection I'm translating isn't complete.

It doesn't have enough stories,

certainly not 1,001.

Uh, you're from Syria.

I don't suppose you know any other tales from home I can use?

Ooh, well, I suppose I could tell you the tale of Aladdin.

He was a poor boy in the Ottoman Empire.

"Aladdin was a poor boy in China." ALADDIN YELPS

China? No, no, I'm talking about the Middle East.

Yes, but a lot of my European readers

think that everywhere east of Greece is basically China.

ALADDIN GRUMBLES O-OK.

Trapped in a cave, Aladdin found a lamp containing a magical genie

who helped Aladdin become rich and powerful,

marrying the Sultan's daughter.

They were the toast of the bazaars of the caliphate. Mm.

Bazaars and caliphate sound a bit confusing for my audience.

Uh, OK, well, I could always Frenchify it for you.

Let's say "palaces" and "markets".

In fact, imagine the thing is essentially set

at the Palace of Versailles. Happy?

So, an Ottoman princess is in a French palace

in a country I'm calling China.

I see no problem with that.

And I have plenty more stories where they came from.

Excellent! I need wild, adventurous stories!

Ooh, how about the tale of Ali Baba

who steals the treasure of forty thieves?

Open sesame.

Oh! Sounds brilliant!

This is the stuff I need to fill the holes in the book!

Real, authentic stories from China.

Syria. Ah, same thing.

Mm, it really isn't. Well, to my readers it is.

OK, anyway, happy to help!

I just hope we won't have to argue about which of our names

is biggest on the front cover of the book.

Don't worry, we won't.

Your name won't be on it at all.

Thanks for the stories! Wait, what did you say?

Gallant out! Come back! Hey!

HE GROANS

That guy...

It's Monday morning and headteacher, Ruth Thomas,

has had to find a replacement for French teacher, Mrs Morton,

who insists on using French time and always leaves an hour early.

Welcome to Historical Educating.

I'm so excited.

Class 7F are going to be taught

by one of my all-time favourite authors.

He wrote The Hobbit...

..and The Lord Of The Rings.

He's also a professor of literature and language...

..at Oxford University.

So French ought to be no problem...

..or pas de probleme...

..as they say.

Class 7F's new French teacher is JRR Tolkien.

Good morning, class.

My name is John Ronald Reuel Tolkien,

JRR Tolkien,

but you can call me...Mr Tolkien.

ALL: Bonjour Monsieur Tolkien.

Bonjour?

They're French!

I'm not teaching them!

Mrs Thomas, a word!

I can't stand the French!

Mr Tolkien, perhaps you should have mentioned

your feelings about the French

before you agreed to do a French class.

It's fine!

I'll just teach them Elvish instead.

One of the languages I invented.

STAMMERING: Mr Tolkien,

there isn't a GCSE Elvish!

So, who here speaks Elvish?

No? Khuzdul, the language of the dwarves?!

Conversational Goblin?!

Ah, good. What's your name?

Jean-Claude. Is that a French name?

Uh, maybe.

DESCENDING WHISTLE

JRR GROWLS

Mr Tolkien, what are you doing?!

I'm sorry,

but I've never forgiven the French for giving us William the Conqueror!

HE ROARS, STUDENTS SCREAM

I always wished he had finished his sequel to Lord Of The Rings.

It was called The New Shadow.

Such a brilliant mind.

Stop saying bonjour!

Do excuse me.

Mr Tolkien, a word!

It was a joke!

I chased my neighbour dressed as an Anglo-Saxon warrior

and he was fine about it!

I'm afraid I've already found your replacement.

HE SCOFFS And his CV...

..is just as impressive as yours.

CS Lewis?

He wrote The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe.

Hello, Tolkien. CS.

JRR. BOTH: BOOM!

Wait, you two know each other?

Yeah, we're bezzie mates.

We're in a book club called The Inklings together.

Yeah, I've actually got your bear suit in the car

if you want to drive straight to the party?

Ooh! Right, out! Both of you, out!

Bear boys! Woo!

SHE EXHALES SHARPLY

Here's my final outfit,

The Rat in the Hat.

And as far as this show goes,

that is that.

We've seen how brilliant books can be,

and you've spent some time with him and me.

To have Rosie here has been a treat.

Aw, thanks, Rattus,

that's really sweet.

Yeah. But now it's time to say so long.

I'll miss you, Rattus,

but not your pong.

RATTUS TRUMPS SQUEAKILY Hmm, there.

BASS GUITAR PLAYS

Shh!

# Want books for you? Well, you will find them throughout history

# Whether funny books or stories full of mystery

# Any of these could transport you to a whole new world

# World

# Want adventure? Follow Alice into Wonderland

# Lewis Carroll wrote it but he was really a man

# Called Charles Dodgson, a professor who wrote books on maths

# Maths

# Got books for you

# Secret Garden will excite you

# Peter Pan flies you to Neverland's shores

# Head to Oz if you want to meet some munchkins

# A colourful world, got its name from some drawers

# Transport your mind, let it take flight

# While you're curled up in your bedroom

# Wear ballet shoes or learn to train your dragon

# When you choose a book for you... #

ELECTRIC GUITAR PLAYS BRIDGE

SNARE ROLL BUILDS

# Between the covers, you can read about almost anything

# The Hungry Caterpillar who eats every single thing

# Though that guy was almost named Willi Worm

# I was not expecting that # Yup

# Each book you choose can introduce you to a brand-new place

# Like an Enid Blyton classic starring Moonface

# And she wrote hundreds more cos she wrote 10,000 words in a day

# If you read that many things, well, they could take you

# Books for you, The Worst Witch isn't scary

# Try Harry Potter if you like magic schools

# Any book you choose, Pippi Longstocking

# That strong girl makes the grown-ups look like fools

# Roald Dahl will make the time fly by

# Did you know he was a fighter pilot and a spy?

# From giant peaches to glass elevators

# Books can really move you

# Books can make you emotional

# And take you somewhere you never go

# You can read them all on your own

# And suddenly you don't feel alone

# Books for you, wimpy kid's diary will charm you

# Disarm you and it is sure to make you laugh

# Any book will do, try a Mary Norton

# The Borrowers will make themselves at home

# Goose bumps will give you a few frights

# Northern Lights will shine its magic on you

# No matter the story, this is really lorey

# There's so many books for you! #