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# Terrible Tudors, Gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians

# Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights

# Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

# Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times

# Romans rotten, rank and ruthless Cavemen savage, fierce and toothless

# Groovy Greek, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages

# Gory stories, we do that

# And your host, a talking rat

# The past is no longer a mystery

# Welcome to...

# ..Horrible Histories. #

Horrible Histories presents...

Greetings, mortals!

I am Raticles! HE FARTS

The little-known ancient Greek god of rats and public toilets.

TOILET FLUSHES Ha, ha, ha, ha. Over 2,000 years ago,

the ancient Greeks believed that gods ruled

over them from a mountain called Olympus.

And they told tales of these gods

in stories called "myths".

And let me tell you, these stories were bananas!

So if you like the sound of a woman with snakes for hair

or a god who hurls thunderbolts,

then buckle up and enjoy the ride.

You know, there's even a barmy story about how the Greek gods came

about in the first place.

Phew! And that's the actual Mount Olympus,

where we believe the Olympian gods live.

Ohhhh! The gods are so boring, Dad.

"Boring"?! These stories tell us everything!

Where we came from, how the world works, how we should live.

Ugh. Where would your yo-yo be without Dionysius,

the god of games, huh?

Even the sky is a god! SKY GOD BURPS

OK, if the gods are in charge of everything, who made the gods?

Well, I'm glad you asked, because I'm going to tell you

how we believe this whole world began.

# First there was nothing, just a thing called Chaos

# Not OK... # Ow!

# Next came Gaia, or as some would call her

# Mother Earth

# Then came goddess Nyx, the night

# Then from her Hemera of the day, yah

# So many deities were forming to prepare for our birth

# Then came Pontus, the sea

# And Uranus, the sky

# He married Gaia, had 12 baby Titans

# What a god

# I believe the creation myth

# All the stories come from this

# I believe the creation myth

# There's more to add to the list

# I believe the creation myth

# Oo-oo-ooh, yeah. #

Hang on. Uranus?

I thought Zeus was the god in charge.

He is! But before him it was Uranus.

Then one of Uranus' kids, the titan Cronus,

cut off his dad's dangly bits and took over.

URANUS YELLS Chronos then had kids

who were the gods, including Zeus,

but Cronus was worried those kids

would take over from him,

so he decided to eat them all.

What kind of story is this?

I know, right? Anyway, he ate them all apart from Zeus,

who Cronus' wife, Rhea, managed to secretly switch with a rock.

Wow, it's actually getting weirder! It really is.

Then when Zeus was grown up, he came back and made his dad vomit up

all his brothers and sisters. Bleh, bleh, bleh, bleh.

So Cronus had to fight all his kids,

you know, the Olympian gods Hera, Hades, Poseidon, etc.

The kids won and Zeus took over. Bang!

Are all the stories about the gods this bonkers?

Um, yeah. Pretty much.

Great! Tell me some more!

There's a new family at the top of the mountain,

the Olympian gods! APPLAUSE

Fall in love with Hera, goddess of marriage.

And kicking up a storm,

it's the mighty Zeus, god of thunder

and king of the gods.

Zeus, did you put a lightning storm in the garden?

What makes you think it was me?

THUNDER What's the big deal?

It's not like I hit anyone with lightning...

..this time!

SHOUTING Ooh. Sorry!

Warming our hearts,

it's Hestia, goddess of the fireplace.

And ploughing in is Demeter, goddess

of the seasons and the harvest. APPLAUSE

Can you make it summer all year round

so we don't have to bother with fires?

I could, but then when would we plant the crops?

And you know I love my food.

Mama like.

OK.

Making a splash, it's Poseidon, God of the ocean.

APPLAUSE And he's a bit of a downer,

it's Hades, god of the underworld.

Why do I have to live in the underworld?

Well, you are the god of the underworld. Ma, ha!

Why couldn't I have been god of the cake shop?

Now the gods are here,

Ancient Greece is about to become a whole lot more interesting.

Listen, guys, shouldn't we use our powers to HELP the people of Greece?

Eh.

Or we could just keep messing with them. Yes, please!

SHOUTING Sorry, dude!

The Olympian Gods!

Heaven knows what these guys are going to get up to next.

APPLAUSE

Most Greek myths are either about the gods or the stuff

they got up to when they were toying with the human mortals

below on Earth.

Sometimes the mortals would go on epic adventures

where they faced terrible ordeals designed by the gods.

These brave people were called "heroes"

and it's fair to say

that many of their stories are not exactly bedtime

story material. I might hide behind the sofa for this one. Mm-mm.

It's nearly bedtime here at YeBeebies,

So for all of you little heroes heading off

to adventures in dreamland, we've got a special guest

who's going to share some

amazing stories about his family, the Greek gods.

Hello, Mr Zeus!

It's actually King Zeus, but fine.

Hello, children! Would you like to

hear some stories about animals?

Oh, yes, please! We love animals.

Once upon a time, there was a giant called Argus

with 100 eyes.

And he was guarding the most beautiful cow, Io.

Cows go, "Moo!" COW MOOS

Well, this cow was secretly my girlfriend.

COW MOOS What? So, one day,

I went to one of my sons, the god Hermes,

to put Argus to sleep and kill him

with a big rock.

CRASH, SHOUTING Now the giant's eyes

decorate the peacock's tail.

Um, peacocks go, "Ahh, ahh." BIRD CAWS

Well, happy times.

I was now free to run off with Io the cow.

OK! How about a different story?

Ah, here's one about my daughter, the goddess Artemis.

She was bathing in a river when a hunter saw her in the nuddy.

She was so angry, she turned him into a deer,

and the hunter's own dogs... DOG BARKS

..tore him to shreds.

Dogs go, "Woof, woof."

It was more like, "Ra, ra, ra, ra, ra! Ahhhhhh! No, noooo!"

OK! OK. Sort of the pack of them.

Have you got a nicer story?

Maybe one about a brave Greek hero!

I've got just the one.

The tale of Theseus And The Minotaur.

A monster that's half-man, half-bull.

BULL BELLOWS Once upon a time...

Oh, that's more like it.

..there was a monster eating children.

I've actually got some pictures here. Oh, no, no, no.

Have you got anything in there that's suitable for children?

Let me have a look.

Ate his children...smashed by rocks...monster, monster, monster...

Oh, yeah.

Icarus, yeah.

His dad made him some wings out of wax and feathers.

Ooh, and did he go on a lovely adventure with his new friends,

the seagulls? Initially,

then he flew too close to the sun, and the wax melted,

and he crashed into the sea and drowned horribly.

SPLASH, SEAGULL CAWS Bluh! Bu-luh, bu-luh, bu-luh.

Ha, ha, ha. OK, a-and that's all we have for today.

Goodnight, children. Sleep well.

And, remember, monsters aren't real.

Oh, they are.

Very real.

Hi, I'm the Greek hero Herakles,

or as the Romans called me, Hercules.

YELP Bull's-eye!

They're always bull's-eyes.

I'm a demigod.

Being a demigod means that I was the son of a mortal,

my mum Alcmene, and the son of a god, my dad Zeus.

Butt out, Dad! This is my story.

Sorry, Son! Mum wasn't married to Zeus.

He already had a wife called Hera.

Hera was so angry when she found out that I was Zeus' son

that she got King Eurystheus to give me ten impossible tasks

called Labours.

She hoped that one of them would kill me.

Instead, I aced the lot and became a legend.

The king even gave me two extra tasks

because he said I cheated.

So which of these was one of

the 12 Labours of Herakles?

Did I have to...

BIRD CAWS Ow!

DOG BARKS

COW MOOS

And the answer is...

..all three.

Yep. I even have to muck out the huge stables belonging to King Augeas.

COWS MOO AND FART Ugh! And they haven't been cleaned

for 30 years! COW FARTS

You know what? There's piles of this stuff.

It'd be quicker to just divert a river through the whole building

and wash it all away.

Actually, I might just do that.

Whoop!

Ohhh. That's disgusting.

OK, guys. Listen up.

Hi, I'm Jason.

OTHERS: Hi, Jason.

Herakles, looking strong. Oh, thanks.

Orpheus, looking dashing. Likewise.

And Atalanta. Oh, divine. I know.

I, too, am feeling very well,

in case anyone was wondering. Thanks, Castor.

And thank you all for agreeing to help me to my rightful place

on the throne of Thessaly.

The plan is simply to sail from Greece to Colchis

to find the Golden Fleece. SHEEP BAAS

The Golden Fleece. Oh, so much talking!

Can we not just go and get the stupid rug and come back?

Thanks, Atalanta. There's just one or two things

I want to prepare my Argonauts for.

What's an Argonaut? Yeah, is that like a peanut?

Because I'm allergic, you know. No.

Our ship is called the Argo.

Therefore, you guys are the Argonauts.

Mm-mm. There she is.

Lucky the ship wasn't called Coco. HERAKLES CHUCKLES

Coconuts.

QUIETLY: Just forget it.

OK, first stop... Yeah. ..is the island of Lemnos.

Lemnos. That's an island populated by single women.

Oh, yeah! All right, yeah. Come on!

They're single because the goddess Aphrodite cursed them all!

I knew it was too good to be true.

And they all killed their lovers. That an optional stop?

After that, we'll stop at Bear Mountain, where there are giants

with six arms called the Gegenees. Gegenees! There he is.

Sure that's not just three people

standing behind each other?

We'll also be stopping off

in Thrace, where it'll all be

parties, parties, parties. CROWD CHEERS

And Harpies.

Wait, what was that last one? Harpies.

CASTOR CAWS They're half-women, half-birds,

with big old bird claws.

They're extremely violent. CASTOR CAWS

It still seems like a lot of work for a rug.

So after the massive rocks that smash ships to pieces

is when things get tricky.

Oh, right. That's when things get tricky, is it?

Oh, yes. We'll be facing fire-breathing cows...

Hang on.

I'm taking notes. OK.

And also the dragon that never sleeps.

How do we deal with the dragon?

The plan is to put it to sleep.

So we put the sleepless dragon...to sleep.

I didn't say it was a good plan.

Once we've got the Golden Fleece, it's a simple journey, back

past the deadly sirens to Thessaly, where my uncle will make me king.

CRASH That's your idea of simple,

is it? Yeah, seems pretty doable. Sir, you're forgetting to tell them

about the Talos. The what now?

It's a big metal man hurling boulders and doing this...

No, no, no, no. It's still too much work for a rug!

Look, they sell the same ones down the market.

I've seen them. Right, new plan. Let's go to the market.

Do any of you have any money?

Noooo! Fine! I'll go with Jason.

And the Argonauts!

Oh, Argo-NAUTS.

Right. Come on. Guys, wait for me.

Argonauts, assemble!

Oh, hey, guys. It's me, Zeus. ZEUS QUACKS

I've transformed myself into a goose. ZEUS QUACKS

Yeah, Zeusy-goosey, baby! Ha, ha.

The myth said that we gods could disguise ourselves

by transforming into animals.

And I like nothing better than a bit of shapeshifting,

especially when I was trying to romance people

I had a crush on.

Zeus-Goose, out. ZEUS QUACKS

Going on a date can be a stressful event for anyone,

so imagine what it feels like

to be going on a date with a god.

Let's do this!

Roxi, a nurse from Margate, has arrived for her first

date with Zeus.

I'll be honest, dating a god

is a step up for me.

I usually date DJs.

Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. There's a giant ant on the table.

This is your date. This is the god, Zeus.

HIGH-PITCHED: Well, hello there.

Uh... Have fun. Thank you. Enjoy.

Yeah, that was me.

I like to make an effort, dress up for a date.

I turned into a cuckoo to woo the goddess Hera, a half-goat man

for the princess of Antiope,

swan for Leda, another swan for Nemesis,

and today an ant.

Yeah, chicks dig ants.

I'll be honest.

An ant is a disappointment.

Can you imagine introducing an ant to your parents?

They were angry enough about DJ Terry.

Roxi has been to the ladies' room to text her friend, Sherry.

It's not all she was doing in there. Aw, that stinks!

You OK? Ambrosia went right through me.

So sorry, I know the feeling.

Take a seat. Oh, hey, babe.

Oh! Oh! Wait, no! GASPS

That was your date! That was Zeus!

No! Yes!

I mean, I knew he'd appeared

as a fire to date Asopus but, still,

you don't expect it! ROXI SCOFFS

Things are looking up for Roxi, as Zeus has now transformed himself

into an ancient Greek shepherd.

So, have you been married before?

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Seven times,

including to two of my aunts and two of my sisters.

Oh, and I ate my first wife.

You ate your wife? Uh-huh.

Ooh! I think Zeus has transformed into a pile of gold.

I think I can work with this. Ha, ha!

Uh, looks like he's paying. CHUCKLING: Yes.

CRASH, MOOING

He just turned into a bull, didn't he?

He did. MOOING CONTINUES

Honestly, I've been on worse dates.

C'est la vie.

I wonder why Zeus never chose to turn into a rat.

I have a good mind to have a word with him about it.

I mean, we can be symbols of romance, too.

Here, listen. Music, please! HARP PLAYS

# Roses are red, violets are blue

# I live in a sewer surrounded by... #

Yeah, you know what? Forget it. He was probably right about us.

And besides, it's best not to bother him.

You don't want to get on the wrong side of a Greek god.

They had terrible tempers and the punishments they dished out

were eye-watering.

Arrrrgh! Argh.

Ughhh! Arrrrgh!

Arrrgh... Gaaah!

Ooh, no! Not again!

Arrrgh! Arrrr.

All right? All right.

I'm King Tantalus. Sisyphus. Aaargh! Yeah, listen.

You couldn't keep the screaming down, could you?

Oh, sorry about that.

It's just the rock's really heavy and... Arrrrgh! Ooh.

Oh, I can't believe I've got to do this for eternity.

They said if I pushed a rock to the top of the hill,

I could live forever! But I never quite make it.

SISYPHUS SIGHS What'd you do to deserve that?

Well, I tricked the god of death.

Heh! He tried to tie me up,

but I tied him up instead. GOD OF DEATH GROWLS

Oh, I remember. Yeah!

No-one died because the god of death was tied up. Woohoo!

Mm-mm. I was sent to the land of the dead as punishment.

But I got sent back to the land of the living,

because I told my wife not to bury my body properly.

Mm-mm?

Whoa... Gaaah! Why'd you do that?

So they'd send me back to tell her off. And that worked?

Yep. Lived to a ripe old age.

But Zeus was annoyed

so, as punishment, he's made me do this.

Yaaah... Yes! I'm going to do it! KING TANTALUS GASPS

Waaah. Ow, ow. Ow, ow, ow! Gah!

Whoa. Phew!

You're punishment doesn't look bad.

Having a paddle and nibbling fruit?

Oh, yeah? Watch this. Ooh! Oh.

This time? Argh... Oh, no!

That is tantalisingly close!

Yeah, well, actually that's where the word comes from.

My name is Tantalus.

And there's this.

Ugh!

I haven't drunk or eaten anything

since I've been here.

Still, could be worse.

Could be King Phlegyas. All right, Phlegyas? Mm-mm.

Buried in rock and unable to reach a wonderful feast.

Poor bloke. Yaaargh. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!

Puh, owww! I'm up for swapping if he is!

GROANING AND GRUNTING

Hi. I'm Pandora.

Zeus had me moulded from clay

to bring temptation and ruin to men.

The legend says I had a box which, when opened, would release terrible

suffering into the world.

Or at least that's how you might hear the story told in school.

But in the original story,

there was something different

about Pandora's box.

Was it...

FART

Or C, that the box...

The answer is...

..B, it wasn't a box at all.

It was actually a jar.

The famous 16th-century writer Erasmus

made a mistake in his translation,

and people have wrongly called it Pandora's box,

instead of Pandora's jar, ever since. SHE CHUCKLES

Amazing really to think that all the plagues and evils

in the world could fit into a little jar like that.

Right. Uh, yeah.

That's...definitely broken. Um...

Run away.

One of the most famous Greek myths is the story of Troy, the city

that had a ten-year war with Greece until the legendary king Odysseus

came up with a clever way of sneaking a Greek army into Troy

just when the Trojans thought the fighting had finished.

# Fall in love

# Hold me close

# Fall in love

# Hold me close In the moment. #

Hey, Deiphobus? Oh, yeah. Hey, babes.

You know how, like, the Greeks have gone and the war is over?

I really want to talk about our relationship.

Basically, I just... I want to know where your head is at.

Sorry, babe. I'm, like, super focused

on this massive wooden horse right now.

OMG, I actually can't believe you're talking

about horses right now. This is so not OK.

It's just, like, super weird that, like, a giant wooden horse turns up,

like, literally the day after the Greeks leave.

Can we please talk about the massive elephant in the room?

No way, there's an elephant too? Wow.

SHE SCOFFS Bro, she's pouring her heart

out down there.

OK, is it just me or did that massive wooden horse just speak?

And did it not, like, sound like the Greek hero, Diomedes?

WHISPERS: Diomedes, you're supposed to be hiding! Yeah. Sorry, bro.

I'll be quiet. Just shush!

OK. Is the horse now arguing with itself?

DIOMEDES NEIGHS

It's making horse noises, Deiphobus.

It's a horse. Get over it.

No, no. Like, I hear that. I hear that.

It's just, like, should a wooden horse be, like, making any noises,

like, at all?

WHISPERS: This is why I said to be quiet!

I don't know, Deiphobus!

I'm not, like, a horse expert.

I'm just someone trying to have a convo with her hubby.

No, no, no. Like, I hear that. I hear that.

But it's just, like, this wooden horse could be full of, like, enemy

soldiers or something.

And, like, letting them into the city

would be, like, serious yikes.

You will do anything to avoid talking about your feelings,

won't you? What's next?

You're going to tell me my ex-hubby

Menelaus is in there too?

Yeah. Hi, hon. WHISPERS: Sh, guys!

DIOMEDES NEIGHS Clip-clop, clip-clop, clip-clop.

It's a wooden horse! It doesn't neigh or clip-clop!

Just... Fingers on lips.

OK, fine.

I'm going to do impressions of all the Greek captains' wives,

and if they're in there, they'll have to reply.

That's amazing. Let's do it.

"Hello, Odysseus. It's your wife, Penelope.

"How are you in there?" Oh, gee. Odysseus, your wife's outside.

WHISPERS: Fingers on lips! But I... It's a trap!

DEIPHOBUS AND HELEN CHUCKLE Cracking impression, babe.

OK, OK. My go, my go. OK.

I'm going to do Menelaus' wife. OK.

NASALLY: "Um, like, um, eh... Menelauuus. I am your wiiife,

"like, ah." Hang on.

I was Menelaus' wife. Uh...

That's a really hurtful impression, actually.

Is that really how you think I sound?

Um... N-No.

It is. It's totally how you sound.

OK, fine.

I'll settle this.

Menelaus, are you hiding in there with a bunch of Greek soldiers?

Um...

..no.

There! See? OK. Well, I can't argue with that.

Better take it inside the city and leave it unguarded all night.

Fine, I'll get him some hay.

See you later, Helen.

Gah! I give up.

After the war, Odysseus returned home on a journey that was described

in an ancient poem called The Odyssey, written by me,

the Greek storyteller, Homer.

CAT MEOWS Ooh! His trip took ten years

and was filled with terrifying

encounters with mythical beasts like the siren of the sea, a deadly

creature whose singing voice no-one could resist.

It's just like me when I'm singing in the shower.

People can't resist...

..shouting, "Put a cork in it, Homer. You're scaring the donkey."

DONKEY GRUNTS Charming!

# Ah, ah, ah... #

She was the most enchanting creature in the sea,

The Little Siren. # Ah, ah, ah... #

Half-woman, half...

..bird?

Well, fish would be silly.

Yeah, I guess.

# Ah, ah, ah... # She dreamt of being with people.

# Ah, ah, ah...# Well, being with them

while eating them.

When they hear me sing they can't resist my voice,

so they jump off their boats. Ha, ha!

# Ah, ah, ah... # You sound too beautiful...!

SPLASH A voice so beguiling,

men would die for it.

Do you do requests? Ah! SPLASH

Starring Odysseus, the Greek hero

on his way back from the Trojan War.

I, Odysseus, am too strong and heroic to be tempted by your song.

But I have asked my men to tie me to my boat just in case.

Men?! Protect your ears.

# Ah, ah, ah... # He's the hero who survived

by being tied to his mast

so he couldn't jump overboard. # Ah, ah, ah... #

And who told his men to fill their ears with rags

so they didn't heed the siren's call.

Gaaah! The tunes!

They're just so banging!

I must go to you,

even though I'm married and you're mostly seagull.

We could make it work!

Also starring legendary hero Jason

and his Argonauts.

Another ship full of Greeks for my collection. Heh, heh!

But in Jason and one of his crewmates, she had finally

met her musical match.

# La, la, la, laaa

# La, la, la, la, laaa La, la, la, la, laaa... #

Who is that?

# La, la, laaa... # Orpheus, keep playing your song.

Orpheus, who the myths say,

with his lyre, drowned her out

with the most beautiful song in the world.

# La, la, la, la, laaa... #

The Little Siren - nobody can resist her charms.

Except Odysseus, Jason and Jason's mate Orpheus,

and any other Greek who wanted to show they could outsmart her, really.

Whatevs. I don't fancy Greek for lunch anyway.

The ancient Greeks really did believe

in all these gods and their myths,

and these stories are still everywhere you look today.

They're in our books and films,

and they live on in the stars

of the night sky.

Oooh!

Something ancient astronomer Ptolemy

has a little tune about.

# Up there's a sky

# Up there's a sky full of myths

# I'm Ptolemy

# I wrote them down in a list

# If you look high and screw your eyes up a bit

# You will see all the myths

# Lyra's there

# It was played by Orpheus

# Pegasus and Perseus toooo

# That one's a bull

# That we call Taurus

# That bull is Zeuuuuus... #

Just think of constellations like big dot-to-dots, man.

That one's Hercules -

or Herakles, if you're saying it properly.

There's Cancer, the crab that bit

Herakles' foot... Ow!

..Leo, the lion that Herakles killed,

Triangulum, the...triangle.

Well, they can't all be great stories.

# Over there

# That load are Cassiopeia

# The Great Bear's up there toooo

# Because in the sky, the Greeks, we put all the myths

# All our stories on vieeeew. #

I wrote down 48 constellations in my 150AD book, The Almagest.

Sorry, what does it mean?

Oh, the greatest.

Is that referring to me or the stars?

You decide.

I think you know the answer.

# Look up there

# Everywhere, you see stars

# Well, if the clouds are blown throooough

# Up there's a sky

# Up there's a sky full of myths... #

Oh, yeah! # And the mooooon. #

They're half-birds with big bird claws.

Big bird claws.

They're extremely violent, vicious

and cru... CASTOR SNORTS, LAUGHTER

CRASH Ooh, dear!

LAUGHING: What was that?

It's Zeus! LAUGHTER

# The past is no longer a mystery

# Hope you enjoyed

# Horrible Histories. #