Original subtitles

# Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians

# Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights

# Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

# Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times

# Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless Cavemen, savage, fierce and toothless

# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages

# Gory stories, we do that And your host, a talking rat

# The past is no longer a mystery

# Welcome to...

# Horrible Histories. #

Horrible Histories presents

the NHS 75th birthday.

The NHS, or National Health Service, has been with us for 75 years

with its staff, nurses and doctors like me helping people like you -

and Trevor here... Hello! ..get better when you're poorly.

And the treatment is free whenever you need it.

Trevor, how can I help? Oh, it's not me that's ill, doctor.

It's my friend, Steve. He's feeling a little HOARSE!

BA-DUM TISH! Ugh.

And that joke's been around since long before the NHS was created.

Before the NHS,

getting medical help could be a long and difficult process,

not to mention expensive. PARP, SPLAT!

I told you he was ill! Ugh...

DING-A-LING! Next!

Ooh, I'm next. Good day.

I'm Cuthbert Lantern. I'm here to see a doctor.

Hello, Mr Lantern! I'm the hospital almoner, Mary Stewart.

Almoner? What's an almoner?

Well, if you're ill and in need of medical treatment,

it's my job to decide if you are, one, not able to pay

but the sort of person who deserves our help with the bills...

..two, not able to pay

but the sort of person who doesn't deserve any help at all... Ah!

..or three, wealthy enough to pay your own medical bills for yourself,

thank you very much. Oi! What? So where do you fit in, Mr Lantern?

Well, I've got the gout from having far too much rich food and fine wine

while sitting around watching my servants do all the work.

Well, you've obviously got plenty of money to pay your own medical bills.

That does sound like me! Take a seat, Mr Moneybags.

Next! DING-A-LING!

Oh, that's me. Hello.

Oh, hello, Louise! Nice to see you again.

Baby's tummy still dodgy? BLECH!

BABY CRIES Ooh. I'd say that's a big yes.

Will I need to pay? We'll cover your doctor's bills this time,

but the next time you do have some money coming in,

make sure you put some aside in a medical savings scheme.

That way, you'll be ready... BLECH!

..for the next time that happens.

Will do. Thanks. Take a seat.

Next! DING-A-LING!

It's true! People had to pay to see a doctor before the NHS came along

but now you don't have to pay when you're ill,

and that is worth celebrating.

We're celebrating the 75th birthday of the NHS.

I've even got a special guest. It's Jo Brand!

Oh, hello. Now, Jo, wait.

You're a comedian. You're not in the NHS.

No, but I used to work for the NHS as a psychiatric nurse.

I gave it all up for the bright lights of showbiz.

How's that going for you? Well, I'm here talking to a rat

in a sewer so, you know... RATTUS LAUGHS

Anyway, I've made the NHS a special 75th birthday cake...

Oh! ..and I'm here to help with the show. Where are we up to?

We're just getting on to the birth of the NHS. Ah!

It started just after World War II,

when a Welsh bloke called Aneurin Bevan

had the brilliant idea of providing free medical care for everyone.

Surprisingly, not everyone agreed with him. Ooh!

Now, Rattus, I need somewhere to put the cake till later.

RATTUS GASPS Rattus!

I'm the Minister of Health and I'm here on the streets of London

to speak to people about an exciting new plan,

the National Health Service -

or NHS, for short.

It's a system which means people will no longer have to pay for

when they need medical treatment.

I bet everyone's going to be buzzing!

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

Excuse me, madam. I'm Aneurin Bevan. Most people call me Nye.

Well, I shall call you Mr Bevan

because I am not most people.

Ooh! I just wanted to ask how you feel about medical help

being free for EVERYONE once the NHS starts.

Oh, goodness. What nonsense!

Oh, can you imagine? Everyone using the same hospitals?

I could be in a bed next to my maid!

Although I suppose if my maid

was in the same hospital as me,

I could send her out on errands...

See? You'd like it if your maid had free health care?

No. No, now I've thought about it, the whole thing is a silly idea.

Aww!

I'll win her over. DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

I've found a wonderful doctor

that's actually going to be looking after people in the NHS.

I'm appalled! I expect to be able to charge patients whatever I like.

But it's that sort of attitude that's led to the creation of

a health system that's different for everywhere in the country!

With the NHS, it'll be the same for everyone!

Doctors will be thrilled! No, we won't.

Eight out of nine doctors voted against it!

Well, that means one out of nine doctors did vote

for it, so that's a win!

So it's been two years,

but we've nearly finished passing the law setting up the NHS,

but the doctors still aren't happy, so that's why I'm here

at the doctors' organisation - the British Medical Association -

to try and strike a deal. What if we allow you

to keep seeing patients who want to carry on paying,

but you also have to agree to accept NHS patients too?

There. I stuffed their mouths with gold and they agreed.

We did it! We won the last vote in

Parliament. It's a yes for the NHS!

Mwah! Woohoo! Yeah, free health care for everyone!

Let's get to work!

Does anyone actually know how to set up a National Health Service?

Cos, er...if you do, could you DM me?

WOMAN MOANS

OK, Edna, it looks like the baby's coming right now,

so congratulations! And...bad luck. Let's do this.

What do you mean, bad luck?

Well, it's just the NHS doesn't officially start till midnight,

so if you'd had had the baby a few minutes later,

it would have been the first-ever NHS baby.

I'm giving birth! I'm not bothered if it's an NHS baby or not.

I know. I completely get it.

I just thought you might save a bit of cash

and we might get a bit of free publicity.

OK, then! And puff with me. Phew, phew...

Wait, wait, wait. What do you mean, save some cash?

Well, if you have the baby right now,

it's going to cost you a shilling and sixpence,

but after the NHS starts, it's free.

PANTING

Well, I suppose it's only a couple of minutes.

And the extra money would come in handy.

When my dad broke his leg,

we had to sell the piano to pay the doctor's bill.

You get to save a bit of money, we get a bit of publicity,

everyone's a winner. Don't think you have much choice in the matter.

The baby's on its way! No, it isn't. What?!

OK, Edna. When I say, don't push.

Oh, no. You have to push. There's going to be a baby.

Now phew, phew... No puffing!

Hold on for 30 seconds. We're going to make the history books.

Help me cross my legs. Certainly not!

The baby is coming! So are the photographers - hold on!

I... Try and relax. Don't relax!

15 seconds - we're nearly there.

Well, look at that. The clock's fast.

Oh, come on, man!

Oh, there's movement!

Oh, no, no, no, no, no! It's just wind.

Hold on. Think of plugs.

Oh... I had to pay for my first six kids.

I'd love to have this one for nothing.

It'd be like having buy six, get one FREE-E-E...

Here comes the baby! Hold on to something in there!

GROANING He's going to be as famous

as the Minister of Health himself, Aneurin Bevan!

It's nearly there! Oh-h-h-h...

BABY CRIES

It's midnight! We did it!

Oh... You should name him after the minister.

SOBBING: That's a wonderful idea.

It's a girl. Oh! Called Aneurin Bevan, apparently.

Congratulations, Edna. One minute past midnight.

She's the first NHS baby. Yes!

BABY CRIES What's she called?

Um... Aneira?

Perfect. Smile for the camera!

Of course, it wasn't just that the NHS was free when you needed it.

The service and treatment was great too.

And that was good, because back in history,

some doctors had some very strange ideas about how to cure people.

Luckily, they're not working for the NHS. Imagine if they were!

Ooh...

Pioneering medical techniques from across the centuries.

This is 24 Hours In Historical A&E.

7pm Monday and Dr Benson is thrilled to be working with ground-breaking

tenth-century surgeon, al-Zahrawi.

Such a pleasure to meet you.

You know, you're considered the father of modern surgery. Oh!

You're too kind! HE LAUGHS

They don't get to chat for long.

Can we get some help, please? What's the problem?

Can't breathe. Something's stuck.

Something's stuck in his throat. OK. Don't worry.

I have invented a device for removing blockages from the throat.

It's all going to be all right! His clothes are wet.

Is it possible he's swallowed a lot of water? Very possibly.

Did somebody say.. a possible drowning?

Unluckily for Dr Benson,

al-Zahrawi isn't the only historical medic on shift tonight.

Don't worry. I am Giuseppe Borghi.

Great. Are you a doctor? Eh...

But I do know some of the latest 18th-century medical techniques.

Turn him over and remove his trousers.

The blockage. It's in my throat, not my... Oh, yeah? Are you sure?

COUGHING Wait. What are you doing?

I have filled these bellows with tobacco smoke

and I'm going to blow it...up his bottom.

I mean, come on, guys. This is basic.

People have been blowing stuff up bums for centuries.

POP! Ooh!

The patient is breathing again.

I have removed the object blocking his pipe.

Seeing as I'm already here,

does anyone else fancy any smoke up the bum?

PARP, PARP!

You, out!

PARP!

Well, he was weird. Anyone in here for bum smoke?

It's really unfortunate he ended up pooing himself to death.

DOCTOR CHUCKLES Hello, doctor!

Oh, Mabel, good to see you. How's the family?

Oh! Dead.

Yeah, a lot of that contagious plague going round.

But enough about them.

I've got these funny lumps and I wondered if you knew what they were.

I've got a poo sample to help the diagnosis.

AUTOTUNED: # I've seen a lot of pustules in the flesh

MUSIC: TO THE TUNE OF ROYALS BY LORDE

# I'm good at giving patients their Prognosis

# And I've got medical prowess... #

Ooh!

# So now it's time For your diagnosis

# Well, I see you've got cold chills, vomming, buboes on your armpits

# Back pain, nausea, fevers and exhaustion

# You've got the plague... # Is it serious?

# You're probably going to die Cos you're covered in boils

# Boils And your poo is full of blood

# Your arms are covered in hard lumps

# They're swelling and expelling pus

# Let me be your healer Healer

# And I will take care of thee

# But I... # SNEEZING

# I charge a hefty fee. #

Ooh, the plague. Thought I'd managed to avoid the old Black Death.

What do you reckon caused it?

# It might be evil air, imbalance of your humours

# Hotness, wetness Causing fatal tumours... #

Are there any cures? # Yes, there are. Now, listen in.

# Why not rub in some oils? Oils

# Smear your forehead with puppy's blood

# Rub on toad and when that's done CROAKING

# You should apply a chicken's bum CLUCK!

# Then have a bath in some wee-wee Wee-wee

# But if I'm speaking honestly... #

RETCHING

# Survival's not a guarantee. #

Bath full of wee - I've been thinking of getting one of those.

Thanks, doctor. Oh, be careful who you talk to!

They might catch it. Urk...

Ugh... THUD

Yep, I'm not too keen on pustules or boils.

Thankfully, there's not so many about

thanks to the vaccines we all get on the NHS.

I've prepared a simple visual aid to demonstrate. Ooh! Exciting.

The first mass NHS vaccination programme, in 1958,

helped protect people against polio and diphtheria,

so we get rid of them. What are you doing?

SPLASHING Oh, oof. Ow!

Another programme soon followed to vaccinate people

against tuberculosis - or TB - as shown here.

So, we get rid of that, too. Oof! SPLASH

And even though these vaccinations save lives,

not everyone was up for getting jabbed.

Help! I need urgent medical care!

RATTUS GROANS

Excuse me, madam. COUGHS

Whatever you're selling, I dinnae want any.

Oh, I'm not selling anything. I'm...

I'm from the NHS and I may be able to save your life. Hmph.

Did you know Glasgow has the highest rate of tuberculosis in Britain?

COUGHING In your face, Edinburgh!

Now, out me way. Argh!

TB isn't a good thing. It's a bacterial infection

that kills half the people who get ill from it.

The NHS wants to screen people so we can get rid of TB forever.

What do you say? Can we X-ray your lungs to look for the infection?

X-ray your own heid, you tattie-bogle.

Argh! I reckon you'll find nothing but air.

Well, we knew some people wouldn't want to be tested,

so we're offering incentives!

Ugh. If you get checked, you could win a car.

HORN HONKS Yoo-hoo! I've got a car!

And it's nae got a great daftie rosette on the windscreen

blocking the view. If you're over 60,

you could win £2 a week for the rest of your life.

COUGHING

Which, judging by your cough, could be worth at least £3.

We've even offered a season ticket to Greenock Morton football club!

What's a worse prize? Two season tickets? Oh...

I'm a Falkirk fan. Harsh! We were in the cup final a couple of years ago.

Oh, aye. Remind me. Did you win?

HE SOBS Hmph!

We've got an illuminated tram... DING!

..parades, adverts in papers and shops.

We've even got fireworks. Oh! Noisy things.

OK. If you won't listen to me,

how about listening to one of the celebrities supporting our campaign?

Hi. I'm famous TV comedian Stanley Baxter,

and believe me - there's nothing funny about tuberculosis.

I've seen you on the telly-box

and there's nothing funny about yous either.

Ugh...

Ah! That's so mean.

Fine. Don't have the test.

At least most adults in the city have,

so we're beating the disease,

and all that most people who got tested received was a badge.

CROWD: Aww!

Ooh. You didnae mention a badge.

Count me in! Hooray!

And how about a comedy song to celebrate?

I don't think so, pal.

If I'd wanted a laugh, I'd have taken the Greenock Morton tickets.

So mean!

Dr Benson's shift with al-Zahrawi isn't getting any quieter.

You know, I invented a tiny guillotine for

chopping out the tonsils. Really?

Can we get some help, please?

What's happening? Bring him through. He's burning up.

A high temperature or fever could be...

Did somebody say fever?

Unfortunately, Elizabethan physician John Hall is also on shift.

Don't worry. I have two halves of a chicken.

Boc-caw! OK...

No. Sorry, no. I am... I'm going to have to ask. What are you doing?

I'm trying to save this man's life!

I'm John Hall from Elizabethan England

and that there is my father-in-law,

William Shakespeare. Guys, yeah, please, just ignore me.

By medicine life may be prolonged, yet death

Still seize the doctor too.

Sorry, carry on.

What are you doing with that chicken?

It's a Tudor cure to treat

his fever, obviously.

Is it working? Unsurprisingly, no.

OK. Plan B. Shakey! Yeah?

Get me some cloth soaked in frogspawn, stat.

Therein the patient Must minister himself.

Throw physic... I'll just get the frogspawn.

Yes, the frogspawn. Well, we don't have any. This is a hospital.

What?!

You don't have any rags soaked in frogspawn?

Are you even a proper doctor? Ah. Excuse me.

He has a fever because this wound on his hand is infected.

If we cauterise it... Whoa! Chop him into quarters?

You could kill him. No, cauterise.

It means to kill the infection using heat.

Then he should get better.

He's right. We still use that treatment today.

Oh! Oh! JOHN LAUGHS

Call off the frog hunt, Shakey-pops. Panic over.

This man may die.

I think it's important he hears a sonnet before he goes.

Tis... No! Thank you, Shakespeare. Not right now.

All right, fine. You're the doctor.

That's lunch!

I mean... Oh, give me strength!

NHS Milestones with your host, Miles Stone!

I'm here in 1950 to visit one of the new NHS hospitals.

There's only one problem. There's no-one here.

Hello? VOICE ECHOES

This is awkward. Er, excuse me!

What? Hi, um... I thought this was supposed to be a busy hospital.

Where is everyone? Well, it should be, but they had trouble recruiting.

In Tottenham, they advertised for 700 jobs and only 17 people applied.

So are you from Tottenham, then? No! I'm from Jamaica.

I arrived by ship after the British Government

advertised for NHS staff in the West Indies.

Well, thank you so much for coming to help.

I assume you're being treated well.

We are not!

It's hard for us to get promoted,

we're not allowed to share rooms with the white nurses,

and we had to buy our own tickets to come here,

even though they asked us to come!

Well, that explains why there's only one of you.

Oh! It's not just me. SHE LAUGHS

I just like to turn up early. Coo-ee! STAMPEDE

Watch out - nurses! Hi!

Step aside! Coming through! Argh! FOOTSTEPS THUNDER

Dr Benson and tenth-century medic al-Zahrawi's shift

in Historical A&E is nearly over.

Hello, there. Don't worry - we'll get this cut seen to quickly.

Yes, I am well-practised at treating cuts.

I will close up the wound using this catgut stitching that I pioneered.

Oh, no, don't worry - it's not made from cat guts.

Oh, no. Ha-ha! No, no.

No, it's actually made from sheep innards.

Well, these days, we use nylon or silk,

but sheep innards are very effective

and they're still used in some places today.

Aha! Step back.

I have the exact diagnosis for this patient.

Alas, Georgian medical mystic Samuel Best is also on shift.

Oh, yes.

This patient is in urgent, urgent need of fantastic emblems

and magical devices being scattered around their room.

But we must act quickly.

Are you a doctor? Even better!

I'm Samuel Best, a prophet from Georgian England.

Now, let me read your palm.

How's that going to help her get better?

Oh, is she ill? Obviously!

Oh. I probably shouldn't be reading her palm, then, should I?

I should be licking it! Oh, no, no! Whoa!

That's gross! And highly unhygienic.

So...you don't lick your patient's palm

to work out what's wrong with them?

No, of course not!

Hmm. Suit yourself.

Ah! Oh, no!

Yes. This woman is constipated!

She hasn't pooed in days. I have!

That may very well be, but more importantly,

she has a large cut on her face.

Oh. Yes.

Well, that would have been my second guess. Guess? Er, diagnosis.

HE MOUTHS

I'll see myself out, shall I?

WHISPERS: Get well soon.

How do these people keep getting in?

Next time on 24 Hours In Historical A&E,

Dr Benson is joined on shift by a physician from Tang Dynasty China.

This patient has a sore bottom and eczema.

I need a dead gibbon and a pulverised dung beetle,

and I need it yesterday!

Does the gibbon have to be dead?

OK.

Ahh... Ow, ow.

Oh, don't worry. He's fine.

I'm not! Well, just be glad you're getting all this modern NHS help.

Yeah, I'm glad no-one's trying to lick my hand.

You live in a sewer. Trust me, no-one's going to lick you.

Fair. Let's move on.

The NHS hasn't just been finding ways to fight the more serious diseases

and conditions that we suffer from.

It's also been working for years to find ways to cure things

like the common cold. ACHOO!

And that made for some very odd experiments back in the day.

Um, Jo, would you mind?

I can't quite reach the biscuits with my bandages and all that.

That's a shame.

You are all here at the NHS Common Cold Unit

to help us better understand how we catch colds.

You're not here for a party. Understood.

FAINT MUSIC Who wants to play a game?

It's party time! Yeah! No, no, no, no.

Sorry, um... Our fault. We didn't make it clear in the letter.

Yes, there is a party - on this side of the curtain.

TOOT! Stop it.

This party is for children who likely have colds

and your job is just to sit there while we fan the air from this party

towards you. We're trying to understand how colds spread.

Right.

Time for musical chairs! CHILDREN CHEER

Sit down. Sit down.

Sit down. Sit down! RECORD SCRATCHES

No!

THEY PANT I repeat,

you're not at a party.

She's just angry because she lost. Big time.

I didn't lose, actually. I wasn't playing.

I'm trying to conduct some serious scientific research, actually.

Who wants to play hide-and-seek? SHUFFLING

Get up.

You're supposed to count to ten.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten - found you.

Oh... Oh!

You're not good at hiding.

Why is your finger blue?

Oh, er... That's from one of our other experiments.

We dripped blue dye from my nose

and then we played cards to see how far the germs would spread.

How'd you get it on your finger? She picked her nose.

Yeah, and there's blue in her mouth, which means she definitely ate it.

Ugh! I didn't eat it!

She definitely did.

No. Can we please get back to... It's pass the parcel!

RUSTLING Ooh, me, me, me, me!

How did you get that?

Ooh... Oh!

Give that...to me. What are you doing? Hey!

The music didn't stop!

No, hey. It wasn't me. It was them!

We are paying you to be our test subjects.

Can you please start doing what we ask? Or we might try

one of the other cold-spreading experiments we've been running.

Like squirting Dr Dudgeon's bogeys...

..up your nose.

SNEEZES

That man should be in bed. We'll do anything you say.

Good.

Now, just sit there while we fan the air from this party towards you.

Everybody, it's cake time! Cake! CHILDREN CHEER

Don't you go anywhere! You are not at the party!

I have a bogey-squirter. I am not afraid to use it!

And there's jelly... Jelly? CHILDREN CHEER

No-one told me about jelly. Save some jelly for me!

NHS Milestones with your host, Miles Stone.

I'm here in 1960 at the Edinburgh Royal Infirmary

with surgeon Michael Woodruff, who's hopeful of performing

the very first successful kidney transplant.

That's when you take the kidney out of one person

and put it into someone else.

I anticipate no problems.

The donor is actually the patient's identical twin brother.

You're not worried about getting them mixed up, are you?

Ha-ha! Certainly not.

Make sure we've got the patients the right way round!

This is NHS Milestones with me, Miles Stone.

Does anyone have any labels I can stick on some patients?

Did you know, 75 years is actually the diamond anniversary of the NHS,

which I think is appropriate because the NHS is full of absolute diamonds.

Yes. Whether it's performing life-saving operations

like organ transplants,

sorting out ingrowing toenails, or scraped knees

after you've come off your bike. Or maybe helping you

after you've got your head stuck in a celebrity's loo.

I knew that was you! You'll never prove it.

The NHS is always there to help us, and it has been for 75 years,

so let's say thanks to Aneurin Bevan and to all the brilliant nurses,

paramedics, cleaners, porters, caterers, doctors,

and everyone who does such a brilliant job in our NHS.

BOTH: Thank you, NHS.

MUSIC: TO THE TUNE OF DYNAMITE BY BTS

# Cos, I, I, I Back in '48

# Started the NHS

# And it's pretty great

# Togs on, scrubbing up my palms Operating theatre, let's go

# Didn't want to sign up at first Now I'm really in the zone

# Came here far from home Straight on the wards, let's roll

# Feel good? Looking strong Cup of tea and you can soon go home

# This is pretty heavy Get me to the labour ward - I'm ready

# Ooh-ooh! Here you go, mummy Best of all, it don't cost you money

# No matter what's broke We'll fix you up - you're good to go

# Through childhood and when you grow up

# Great - so let's go

# Cos Nye, Nye, Nye Bevan won his fight

# To make sure everyone Gets treated right

# Countryside or city From the young up to the old

# The NHS'll make you feel all right Whoa-oh!

# Jump on board, sirens loud Whoever needs to come along

# Lights on, through the crowds We're off to the hospital

# Day or not, we'll see you right If you can't make it, you can call

# Ladies and gentlemen Here is your medicine

# And here are clean sheets for you all

# Heart's beating steady

# I can hear the boom-boom - you're ready. Woohoo!

# Feet, eyes, tummy - we'll try and fix whatever feels funny

# Drop off then reload I get the call - I'm good to go

# I'm on call even when you throw up... #

BLECH! Let's go.

# Cos I, I, I saw stars tonight

# Now they've fixed me up And I feel all right

# Had some tea and toast And now I'll take my baby home

# Will he sleep right through the night? Whoa-oa...

# Na-na-na-na na-na-na-na-na na-na-na

# It's our NHS

# Na-na-na-na na-na-na-na-na na-na-na

# It's our NHS

# Driving through the city To wherever I must go

# I'm so grateful for the NHS Whoa-oa!

# So I, I, I, I Did my best

# To give health care You could all access

# Started something back then and it's still going real strong

# So let's say thanks to the NHS! #

FIREWORKS WHIZZ

I just wanted to ask how you feel about... Oh!

I just wanted to ask how you feel about...

I just wanted to ask how you feel about...

Mmmm! SHE LAUGHS

# The past is no longer a mystery Hope you enjoyed...

# Horrible Histories. #