Original subtitles

Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians

Dingy castles, daring knights

Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

Punishment from ancient times

Cavemen savage, fierce and toothless

Mean and measly Middle Ages

Horrible Histories presents...

Since the dawn of time...

MAMMOTH TRUMPETS Argh!

..fathers have helped look after their young,

passing down vital survival skills

such as making fire...

Ugh. Ah! Oh!

Hee-hee! Ha! Heh!

BEAR ROARS Oh!

Ah!

..and running away.

He will teach them how to make tools,

the shaping of flints...

Oh!

..and also...

BEAR ROARS Argh!

..running away.

And he will pass on vital knowledge

for choosing what is safe to eat

and what is not...

HE CHEWS LOUDLY

MAMMOTH TRUMPETS

Whoa! Argh!

..and running away.

There's a lot of running away.

And with every dad

comes that greatest of inventions -

the dad joke...

Rah! Argh!

BOTH SOB

..which often misfires, upsetting everyone. Shh!

But despite his mistakes, the father will do his best

to teach his children the skills they need to succeed in life...

BOTH LAUGH, BEAR ROARS

Huh? Argh!

ALL SCREAM

..like running away.

MAMMOTH TRUMPETS, ALL SCREAM

Oh! So much running away.

MAMMOTH TRUMPETS, BEAR ROARS

ALL SCREAM

Welcome to a celebration of dads throughout history.

And who better to help out than my dad?

Hello, son. All right, Dad.

Now, most fathers love all their children equally.

I do, and I've got 50.

Er, no. Er...60.

No, no, 50. Hang on.

There's Rattus, Ratistotle, Ratigail, Ratilda...

HE STAMMERS Don't name them all!

Anyway, not every dad in history was as loving as mine.

King Henry VIII wasn't very kind to his daughters.

Not only did he take the title of princess away

from his daughter Mary,

but he might not even have known how many kids he actually had.

HE GASPS

Yeah, first few days with the new wife

and things seem to be going well.

Jane...something.

This is my third and final wife.

Henry VIII and his three wives, people will say.

Oh-ho-ho! Big hug!

You know what would be, like, really, really amazing? Yeah?

Getting the whole family together,

like a big kind of get-to-know-you party.

Really? Will there be food? Yeah, sure.

Then brilliant idea, yeah. Invite everyone. OK!

Hey! I'm here!

Jane, quick, get in.

Argh!

Stepmother, dear? Yeah?

Why don't you let me send out all the invites to the party?

Oh, Mary! That is so sweet of you. Do you know what?

I was actually a tiny little bit concerned

that you might be a bit angry,

what with Henry saying that you weren't a princess any more. Ha!

Er... Oh, no! As if!

That's all ancient history. LAUGHING: Yeah!

Phew! SHE LAUGHS

Hands in for family!

One, two, three. Happy family! Happy family!

Well, this is nice, isn't it?

Family's all here, food's all here.

Bonzer! Let's eat.

Actually, Dad...not everyone is here.

Really?

Jane's here. Hello!

You're here, Elizabeth is here.

I'm assuming my exes aren't turning up because I...

Sorry, I know that's insensitive.

No offence, girls. They were your mums.

But we're not all your children, are we?

Henry FitzRoy in the house!

Hey, Dad! I got the invite!

Well, I did say I'd invite everyone, didn't I?

Yeah, so...Henry is my son.

I wasn't married to his mum, so he technically can't be king,

although he is awesome.

So, if we don't have a son,

then I'd want him to be king over the girls.

Again, no offence, girls. Let's eat.

But still, not everyone. Really?

We're just getting started.

Hi, Dad.

Hi...Thomas...

...Stukley. Stukers!

So, I knew Thomas Stukley's mum...quite well.

Well, very well, actually.

I...I mean, it's pure speculation, obviously.

I mean, no-one can be sure. Shall we eat?

Don't get too comfortable, Daddy.

I've just started.

It's Catherine and Henry Carey.

Look, Elizabeth, it's your cousins,

or potentially half-siblings.

Two of them! Ha!

HE GROANS

This is going to be a really long evening for me.

Everybody knows I went on a couple of dates with Anne Boleyn's sister Mary.

It's not a secret.

Also, sorry, how do they have beards?

They're 11-year-old children and one of them's a girl!

The glue-on beards were my idea.

Nice touch, don't you think?

Well, this is nice.

Shall we eat?

Mm-mm.

Oh, look. It's Audrey Malte and John Perrot.

JANE: How many children do you have? HENRY CLEARS THROAT

Look, Jane, I'm a complicated guy.

I may have had a few... COUGHING: Lots.

..lots of kids who can't technically be royals

because I wasn't married to their mums

and I may have disinherited Mary from her right to the throne

and I'm going to do the same to Elizabeth, probably.

But does that all really make me a...bad dad?

Yeah. Yeah, it does.

Shall we eat?

So nice to meet you all. Hm.

Hi, I'm Ramses II,

ancient Egyptian pharaoh and terrible dad. Mm!

I've got about 100 kids at home.

Ha! Honestly, you'd expect there to be problems now and again,

but what you don't expect is for the River Nile itself

to get upset.

Honestly, yesterday, it was in floods!

DRUM HIT Ha-ha-ha! Aw, Dad!

Cos, you know, like, cos the floods, not the tears,

but like...cos it's a river. You know, floods?

CHILD LAUGHS Yeah, you get it!

Yeah! Thank you! That's what I'm saying.

Finally get it now.

See, I knew you two were my favourites.

CHILD GUFFAWS

HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS

Ramses II really did have over 100 kids.

Oh, never mind that.

Play that music again!

HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS

Oh, yeah! What a banger.

Wha... What are you doing?

Dad dancing! We all do it.

Ugh! HE SIGHS

Sometimes dads just aren't cool.

I don't know what you mean.

HE FARTS LOUDLY

Whoops. That one sneaked out with all the effort.

Ugh! Honestly.

Dads have been embarrassing us like this for centuries.

Even in the Viking times,

some of their sagas said that kids of Viking warriors

thought going raiding with Dad was uncool.

Hi, son.

Me and some of the other guys were going on a quick raid

and, yeah, wondered if you wanted to join for a bit of fresh air,

hang out with your... Obviously not. You're so boring!

Calm yourself. He's a sensitive boy.

HE INHALES

So... Ahem. ..how's it hanging?

"How is it hanging?"

Literally no-one says that any more, Dad.

HE SIGHS

What're you playing, a little bit of naffle-taffle?

That's not naffle-taffle, OK? That's so eighth-century.

I'm playing chess! Choss! Yeah, cool.

What does this guy...? I'm sorry. Dad! Come on!

Sorry! It's hard to keep up with all this choss technology.

They keep releasing a new one. It's a board!

What do you say?

Little bit of outside time with your old dad?

Couple of guys,

stalking the land, sailing the ships, crossing the wild oceans

and unleashing fury on unsuspecting English villagers

and burning them to the ground!

No. It's really not my thing.

OK. That's right, yeah.

MOCKING: Kids today, they're not so keen on pillaging.

You know, it could be fun to, I don't know...

..prove yourself as a man or whatever.

What does that even mean, a man?

Talking about a Viking man,

a mighty warrior who stands over his fallen enemies,

proving himself to be fierce and brave enough to reach Valhalla!

Dad...I'm 12.

Yeah, well, I had a beard when I was nine.

No, you didn't. No, I didn't.

But I made a toy one out of wool and I put it on my face,

and though it was scratchy, it made me look very, very distinguished.

You are so uncool, Dad.

Fine. You don't have to come on the raid with me.

I, er, respect your choices. Thank you.

Even though it's going to be awesome tearing through the land. Nope.

Burning down the monasteries. No.

Listening to all the little monks scream and run around. No, Dad!

No? Fine. OK. You stay here. Great. Thanks. Finally.

I'll be gone for about six months,

and I hope that no-one attacks the village whilst we're gone.

Bye!

Attacks? What do you mean by that?

Dad? Dad?

Er, room for one more?

Dad, you're not embarrassing!

In the past, dads often didn't spend much time with their children,

but that all started changing around my era in the 18th century,

when parents started to think hanging out with us

might be a good thing.

Take my dad. He offered to play hide and seek.

I haven't been able to find him for four hours.

Ah-ha! Meow! CAT PURRS

Oh. He's gone out, hasn't he? Meow.

Unbelievable.

Er, would you fetch our guests a cup of tea, please?

Thank you.

Thank you for asking me to do your new portrait.

I'm looking forward to using some of the latest fashions

in portrait painting to bring out the warmth of your relationship.

Yes, well, I was thinking something like this.

Er...that's exactly the same as last year.

Oh.

How about this?

Yep. Still the same.

It's not the same at all.

Last year, my vibe was all, you know, master and son of the house,

whereas this year, I'm giving it "owner and heir to my land" vibes.

Oh. Father, maybe we should try something...

Silence, child! If I wanted your help coming up with something

that showed the warmth of our relationship, I would ask for it.

You know, it is the 1800s,

and the role of the father is changing.

Modern fathers, they show affection and tenderness to their children.

Good heavens. Why?

Well... OK, let's... Er... There you are.

There. Father and son.

Right. Get him off. Oh, excellent!

Well, I hope you have everything you need.

Er, you'll need to stay in that position for at least a few hours.

Look, I'm not being funny.

Erm...is there any way we could use the dog?

I don't think that's possible

if we want to bring out your fatherly warmth.

Is that something we want to bring out?

It is meant to be a father and son portrait.

Er, how about a hug?

Fine, if you think it'll help.

Oh, I meant with your son.

Oh. Um...no, thank you.

Look, I'm happy to look like a loving father,

I just don't want to actually be one.

It's all...modern nonsense. So, can you help me or not?

Uh...

Hmm. I think I may have an idea.

Yes, this is working well.

Excellent. And you can just paint in the boy's head afterwards? Mm-hm.

Oh, there may be something to this new, loving relationship after all.

And down it goes.

Oh, come on, Charles. We mustn't be late for our friends,

especially after we cancelled dinner last time.

Must we go, Catherine?

What on earth do you want to do instead?

You're not writing another novel? No, it's not that.

You don't want to stay home and play with the children's toys again?

I have no idea what you're talking about. Come off it, Charles.

You bought that model toy theatre for little Charlie,

and then you and your friend Mr Stanfield practically built

the whole thing yourself while little Charlie watched!

Yes, but then we all had a wonderful time playing with it afterwards!

Oh, come on, Catherine. Let's stay home.

We can hang out with the children.

Can't say you don't love being a dad.

Band-Aids Floby. Gentle Gloucester.

Lucifer Box.

Must you give our children such strange nicknames?

Ah, children! Who's up for some fun?

what I'm 'bout to say

but I want to play

than some old man's face

Clap along

It's a model theatre

whenever I talk to you

which one of you I'm talking to

Come on, Catherine.

I've won you round.

but I'd rather stay home with you

and sing a song or two

with your daddy and mummy, too

with you.

LOUD SNORING Aw!

Shall I wake them up to play a game? No.

Charles Dickens really did love playing with his kids

when they were little.

And I loved playing with you when you were little, too.

You did? Oh, yeah.

I used to tickle him until he wee'd himself.

Dad, don't embarrass me.

Sorry, Rattus. I won't do it again.

He'd also fart if you tickled him long enough.

HE LAUGHS

So embarrassing!

But at least we were having fun, I suppose.

Some dads in history were just plain scary.

Especially if you were dating their daughter.

Tickle, tickle, tickle.

HE FARTS Stop it!

You'll ruin Mr Dickens' toy theatre.

HE FARTS AND LAUGHS

Svetlana is the one that the talented Russian film-maker

Aleksei Kapler wants to marry.

But before he can even think about popping the question, Aleksei

needs to meet her father.

Hi, Daddy.

Your dad is Joseph Stalin?

It's the shock comedy of the year.

Meet The Stalins.

Come in. Let's get to know each other so I can decide

whether to have you killed or not.

STALIN LAUGHS

Don't worry. I've already decided.

And that decision was?

Let's have a drink.

Aleksei...

..I want to have a little father, son-to-be chitchat with you.

I'm going to ask you a few simple questions.

It's just you and me.

And all of them, obviously.

Can Aleksei win over Dad-to-be?

You know, when I first heard that you were dating my daughter,

I was kind of angry. How angry?

Well, I blamed it on my son, Vasily.

So I had him fired and locked in the guardhouse for nine days.

Ten days. You want to go down salt mine, Vasily?!

No. Yeah, I thought so.

Why did you call me an old fart?

I would never call you an old fart.

ALEKSEI: So, Svetlana, when do I meet the old fart?

Oh!

I did not know my phone was being bugged.

Chill out, man!

Take a chill pill. Huh?

I want you to relax, Aleksei.

It's almost like the fact that I am brutal leader with the blood

of millions of people on my hands is stressing you out or something.

You did great. Honestly. I thought you'd be dead by now.

It's tough to be a dad, but it's tougher to be Aleksei Kapler.

Wait, what did you say?

Good news. I'm sending you on holiday.

Oh, wow. Great.

HE LAUGHS

Isn't this a forced labour camp?

I don't think Svetlana will enjoy it.

She is not going.

Aleksei Kapler...

..Svetlana Stalin...

Daddy, did you send my boyfriend to the labour camp?

..and Joseph Stalin...

Whoops! What am I like?!

..star in... HE LAUGHS

..Meet The Stalins.

Five years is a very long holiday.

Er, I'm still in here.

Hello? Hello?

Hi, guys. I'm William the Conqueror,

King of England, Duke of Normandy,

and terrible dad

to my son, Rob here.

So terrible, in fact,

I make fun of him all the time.

You know, people say to me,

"What's Rob short for?!"

And I say,

"Because he's got stumpy, little legs."

HE LAUGHS

We call him Robert Curthose.

It means "short trousers".

I'm going to rebel and start a civil war.

Ah, brilliant!

Wait, what?

Some dads take their children with them into the family business.

And depending on what your dad does, that could be a good or a bad thing.

I followed my dad into pig farming,

which means cleaning up after this lot.

What?! All of you at the same time?

Seriously?!

Oh! When King Edward I was dying, he wanted his son,

Prince Edward, to take over the royal business.

But the prince wasn't keen.

I don't know why. I'd swap with him.

Right, time to clean up.

Oh, I'm going to need a bigger bucket.

HE WHEEZES

Prince Edward, His Majesty King Edward has battled hard in his fight

against dysentery...

HE FARTS

..but he does not have long left. FART

He wishes to speak with you.

Yes, Father? What is it?

Son, my time is close at hand.

I want you to promise me one thing. Of course, Father. Anything.

I want you to continue my war in Scotland.

Are you sure? We're not doing very well in the war.

This is my one dying wish. Yeah. OK. Of course. Sorry.

HE SIGHS

I really hate the Scottish, son.

I know you do.

HE FARTS

Father? Father!

SQUEAKY FART RELEASES

EDWARD SOBS

He's gone.

There's one other thing. Oh!

Yes, Father, what is it?

When I die, I want you to take my body. Of course.

And I want you to boil it so that all the flesh falls off.

Boil it? Then I want you to bury the flesh in the ground. OK. Right.

But preserve the bones separately.

Keep them out. Sorry, Father.

Where do you want me to keep your bones? Just somewhere convenient.

Like a chest, maybe. Right.

I feel like I'm going to regret asking this, but why do you want me

to keep your bones somewhere convenient?

So that when the Scottish rebel again, which they will,

you can go up to Scotland with my bones

and ride with them into war.

OK, yep. I do regret asking that, actually.

As long as you have my bones with you, son,

you can never be defeated by the Scots!

HE FARTS

SQUEAKY FART RELEASES

I can feel the light fading.

I'm passing.

HE FARTS Ah!

Tell my people I died as I lived.

LOUD RUMBLING, FARTING

What, hating Scottish people and farting?

PARP

Father? Father!

He's gone.

DRAWN-OUT FART

Oh! How is he still farting when he's dead?!

Sorry. That one was actually me.

Hi, I'm Genghis Khan, Mongolian warlord and terrible dad.

When my daughter's husband was killed in a rebellion

in Nishapur, I let her reduce the city to little more than

rubble and a pile of heads. Many leaders can't do that.

But Genghis CAN.

Because my name is Genghis Khan.

Well, Genghis "carn".

But I think it still works. I do spoil her a bit.

Probably can't let her destroy a whole city again.

Maybe I Genghis can.

"Carn". It definitely works.

Hey, it's your boy, Ferdinand.

Wassup! It's Bring Your Child To Work Day.

And since my dad is Christopher Columbus, guess who's going with him

on his fourth voyage to the New World?

Say hi, Dad. Yeah, hi.

I'm kind of in the middle of something.

Whatever. So let me fill you in.

Voyage number one, Dad discovered the New World.

Voyage number two, Dad took our religion to the Americas.

Voyage number three... Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

We don't need to talk about number three, do we?

Is that the one where you got arrested and deported

from your own colony in Hispaniola? Yeah, it is that one. Awkward!

So this is voyage number four, which we're calling Columbus and Son.

I'm not calling it that.

He will...in time.

Voyage, baby! Let's go!

It is day 50-something, so I guess Bring Your Child To Work Day

will last until Dad can get me home again.

But we've arrived at Hispaniola.

Dad's old stomping ground.

The only problem is... they won't let us in.

Guys, please!

It's me, Columbus!

And his son!

Is this because you got arrested on your third voyage?

I-I-I thought we weren't mentioning that.

Whatever. We'll just head back out to sea.

There's nothing that Columbus and Son can't handle.

THUNDER RUMBLES

Oh, a storm!

Looks like Dad's LIGHTNING up.

So it's Bring Your Child To Work Day 60-something, and the storm

is really bad.

But it's OK because Dad is bossing it!

Does anyone actually know how to steer a ship?

Because if you do, DM me, please.

HE LAUGHS

So it's day 320-something.

We've managed to find sanctuary up a river in Panama.

When we arrived, this local tribe tried to stop us

coming up the river. But Dad captured their leader. Ha!

We've got him tied to the mast.

Brilliant. Columbus and Son strike again.

Oh.

Dad! The chief escaped!

OK. OK. Stay calm.

For him to pose any threat, he'd have to come back here

with his entire village.

Oh, look who's back. And he's brought his entire village.

Got to go. See you. Peace!

The good news is, we were able to escape

from those angry tribespeople.

The bad news was we got caught in a storm and we got shipwrecked.

So I guess we just wait here until someone finds us.

Please stop talking.

Columbus and Son.

Like and follow. DM us if you've got any idea where we are.

HE COUGHS

Well, that's it for our historic celebration of dads.

We've met some of history's daftest and greatest dads.

And some of history's not so great ones, too.

That's true.

So let's end by giving a massive thanks to all the great dads out

there, and a slightly less massive thanks to the ones like Henry VIII,

William the Conqueror, and Ramses II.

I'd like to hear what they've got to say for themselves.

Then you're in luck.

Here they are to play us out.

Thanks for helping me, Dad. You rock.

Shall I do my dance again?

Please don't. I'll do it anyway.

HE HUMS

"World's Greatest Dad"

we've never had

they'll certainly agree

Just not us three

with wife number three

and send them away

Ha-ha!

Dad, dad, dad, dad

Dad, dad, dad, dad

Dad, dad, dad, dad

Dad, dad, dad, dad

opposite sides

by eight different wives.

Dad, dad, dad, dad

Dad, dad, dad, dad

Dad, dad, dad, dad.

Dad, dad, dad, dad

on the earth

than being a mum

suppose I ought to

to my eldest daughter

such a great shame

remembering their names

the clock

examples

that dads rock

Dads rock

Dads rock

Dads rock!

Rock!