Original subtitles

♪♪

♪ Love ♪

♪ exciting and new ♪

♪ come aboard ♪

♪ we're expecting you ♪

♪ and love ♪

♪ life's sweetest reward ♪

♪ let it flow ♪

♪ it floats back to you ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ soon will be making another run ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ promises something for everyone ♪

♪ set a course for adventure, your mind on a new romance ♪

♪ and love ♪

♪ won't hurt anymore ♪

♪ it's an open smile ♪

♪ on a friendly shore ♪

♪ it's love ♪

♪ welcome aboard ♪

♪ it's love ♪

Excuse me. Could you tell us who to see about cabins?

Oh, certainly. Uh, right over here.

Thank you.

Purser Smith would be very happy to assist you.

Wonderful.

Be my pleasure, mister...

Mills.

Are you two traveling together?

Yes.

Oh.

I'm Robin mills.

He's my dad.

Aw!

He only looks young because he's found the fountain of youth.

He sure has.

You don't look old enough to be her father.

Well, I adopted Robin when I was 10.

It's not easy being brought up by your daughter.

Boy, I'll be glad when I get you married and outta the house.

Enjoy.

Thank you. I will.

Oh, miss purcell, uh, promenade 347

is just past the flower shop and to your right.

Promenade.

Mm-hmm.

Um, is that single sex?

I'm traveling alone.

Well, I don't think you'll be traveling alone for long.

I hope you're right.

Happy sailing.

Put that on your Christmas list,

and I'll see what I can do for you.

[ Camera shutter clicks ]

Beautiful. Okay.

I'll deliver this to you personally, miss Maguire.

You know, I don't mind if you take a little longer

with your shots, ace.

I don't blame you, captain. [ Laughs ]

Oh, ace.

Yeah.

Here's the passenger list you wanted.

Oh, great. Thanks, Vicki.

Now, I can keep track of the passengers and the pictures.

Okay, let's see.

Uh, Maguire.

Maguire. Here it is.

Fiesta 222, boarding shot with captain.

McNamara?

No, no, I believe it was Maguire.

No, not her.

McNamara, Stacey Louise. Stacey!

An old friend?

Friend?

We were like this in college.

Uh, actually we were, uh... Well, yeah...

Go on.

No, it's not important.

Stacey Louise McNamara. I still have her sorority pin.

You know, I sent her more flowers...

Steady sweethearts?

Yeah.

But I usually sent the flowers to the infirmary.

She was a real daredevil.

You know, surfing, skydiving, waterskiing.

She was always getting bruised and banged up.

You know, our school color were red and yellow.

Hers were black and blue.

Ace?

Stacey!

Hi!

Hey! Mmm!

Hi!

See, what'd I tell you, a regular calamity Jane.

Thanks very much. I'm fine.

I'm captain stubing, miss McNamara.

Oh, how do you do?

Oh, ace.

It's so good to see you.

Ah, it's so good to see you.

Well, i-I'll leave you two alone to get reacquainted.

Thanks, captain.

Thanks a lot.

I don't believe it. Okay, what did you do now?

Well, you remember that hole in the wall

at the bottom of snow canyon ski run?

There's no hole in that wall.

Well, there is now.

[ Laughs ] I don't believe it.

I know. I know.

Hi, i'm, uh, Marty kilmer.

And this is my wife, Kate.

Hi.

Welcome aboard.

I'm Judy McCoy, the cruise director.

I'm Adam bricker, ship's doctor.

Oh, good. We may need you.

What for?

We've both sworn to quit smoking.

Yeah, you can tape my mouth shut.

I'm sorry. I don't make mouth calls.

[ Chuckles ] Well, we're not taking any chances.

We've made a bet.

The first one who starts smoking has to do all the housework

and the cooking for 6 months.

That's right.

This is my chance to get her to do it.

Well, best of luck to the both of you.

Thanks.

Well, we better get to it.

Okay.

[ Sighs ]

See? That wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.

You're so sweet.

Aha!

Uh, that's funny.

Uh, the jacket musta come back from the cleaners like that.

Mm-hmm.

[ Chuckles ]

Uh, excuse me.

May I see what's in your left hand?

Just as I thought.

Come in.

Hi, dad.

Hi, honey.

Hey. Nice cabin.

Oh, let me help you with that.

Oh, don't hang those up. I'm gonna wear those.

Oh, okay. Oh, wow.

They go great with this sweater.

Thank you.

I never could dress myself.

Well, maybe you oughta get that girl to give you a hand,

the one who gave you the eye in the purser's lobby.

Oh, you thought so, too?

Uh-huh.

You know, it's a shame I'm too old for her.

[ Scoffs ] She didn't seem to think so.

I've got a daughter almost her age.

Oh, she doesn't know that.

Hey...

What if father had no daughter?

Now, Robin, please.

No, really, dad.

We could pretend not to be father and daughter

for a few days, for father's sake.

Your pretend games sometimes get me into trouble.

Well, at least you're never bored.

Come on, dad. It'll be fun.

Well, what about the purser and chief barman?

They know who we are.

Oh, well, leave that to me.

I'll fix it.

Why is it every time you fix something,

something else ends up broken?

Mm.

All right. I'll do it.

Oh, great!

Have a wonderful cruise, stranger.

[ Door opens and closes ]

[ Ship horn blowing ]

♪♪

Hi, Mr. Kilmer.

Fingers are better than cigarettes.

Needs salt.

It's hard to quit smoking, isn't it?

Now, I'm nervous. I'm -- I'm irritable.

I'm -- I'm angry.

My mouth feels like a desert.

I don't know what to do with my hands.

It's a breeze.

But you are doing it.

Every minute without a cigarette helps.

How long has it been?

Uh, I gave 'em up when I boarded 10...Years ago.

Read this. It might help.

"Quit smoking now."

Yeah.

And the crew says to tell you they are behind you all the way,

100%.

100%.

Hi.

You know, I thought you were supposed to save money

when you stopped smoking.

Yeah, at least a dollar a day.

Big deal. I just blew $12.50 on gum.

What's that?

Uh, doc gave it to me. It's a quit smoking pamphlet.

This is very interesting.

It says here that the first 24 hours

are the hardest because you're breaking up an addictive habit.

See? We were addicts.

We should feel terrific now that we've stopped.

Yeah, if we feel so terrific, how come I feel so lousy?

Speak for yourself, honey.

I am havin' no problems at all.

Uh, need a light?

I'll bet you think I'm hooked, don't you?

You watch. I won't have another celery all day.

Hi.

Hi.

Can I give you a hand?

Oh, no thanks.

My hand works just fine.

How do you do?

How do you do?

So, yes, my name is Isaac Washington.

Stacey McNamara.

Well, Stacey, would you like something cool to drink, say,

like a rum punch?

Well, I'll take the punch.

But hold the rum. I'm driving, and this is a rental.

Well, I hope you're not paying by the mile

'cause we're going all the way to Mexico.

Uh-huh!

Oh, hi, captain.

Stacey seems to be a delightful young lady.

Yes. And she's got a great sense of humor.

Well, why don't you ask her to join us at my table tonight?

Gopher's jokes are getting a little stale.

Yes, sir. [ Sighs ]

Hey, Stacey, Isaac.

Oh, hi, ace.

Hey, ace.

Have you got time to show me around the ship?

Oh, for you, I'll make time. Huh?

Great.

All right. Here we go.

Oh, ace?

Yeah?

I can do that.

Oh, I'm just tryin' to help.

Oh, hey.

Don't let the wheelchair fool you.

You'd be amazed at some of the things I can do.

Oh, look out!

Uh, I guess, uh,

I wasn't paying attention.

Well, not to the pool anyway.

Whoop! Whoop! No, no, I'm sorry.

Don't be.

Stuard mills.

Allison purcell.

Hey, you, uh, saved my life.

The Indians say if you save a man's life,

he owes you a drink. So, uh, What'll it be?

Margarita sounds good.

Oh, and get one for yourself, in case you ever save my life.

Hi.

Hi, Vicki.

How am I doin'?

Well, I knew you wouldn't be alone for long.

Do you give lessons? Have fun.

Bye.

Two margaritas, please.

Ah, comin' right up.

Hey, dad, how's it going?

Pardon me, miss?

Oh, it's okay. You can drop the act.

I told Isaac and gopher what we're up to.

Mum's the word.

Right on.

Well, her name is Allison.

And I think I'm doin' okay. Great.

Well, why don't you go back to Allison?

And I'll deliver the drinks over there.

Well, thank you.

Bye.

Bye.

Looks like your friend's doin' just fine.

Of course he is. I taught him everything he knows.

♪♪

[ Knock on door ]

Yeah?

Uh, who is it?

Yeah, who is...

[ Chuckles ]

♪♪

Attention, please.

Main seating dinner is now being served

in the coral dining room.

Oh, just pile it on high.

We got plenty of room here.

Come on in.

Hi. Is all of this part of the no smoking campaign,

or did you also start a new nutritional program?

No, according to this pamphlet,

smoking is a form of oral gratification just like eating.

So we figured the more we eat,

the less we'll feel the urge to smoke.

Well, this should take care of your urge for the rest

of the century at least.

With all this wonderful food here,

we haven't even thought about smokin'.

Well, that's terrific.

Yeah, we got smoked trout, smoked oysters.

We got smoked Turkey, smoked ham.

And look at this smoked cheese!

Bon appétit.

And how about this for dinner tonight?

A small, intimate table for two

followed by pearls of caviar, followed by lots of love talk.

Mm. Fine.

Now what are you gonna have?

I wanna see my father first. Will you excuse me?

Okay. Start the love talk without you.

You look very handsome tonight, gopher.

Thank you, my darling. You have excellent taste.

Would you like to sit down? No, I'll stand.

All right, baby. I'll sit down by myself.

Where's your friend, Allison?

She'll be here any minute. Where's gopher?

At the table, waiting for me.

Good.

Ah, here comes Allison.

[ Gasps ]

[ Whispers ] Consider me scrammed!

Who's that girl I saw you talking with?

Uh, she was just someone looking for a table.

Well, didn't I see you talking with her earlier, by the pool?

Oh, no, no. That was the purser.

She was just with him.

As a matter of fact, they're having dinner right now.

Uh, you look beautiful.

Thank you.

And you must be older than you look.

Most men don't bother pulling out chairs for women anymore.

Well, um, I'm not most men.

Or, uh, hadn't you noticed?

I have noticed.

I'm grateful.

There's something very genuine about you.

Oh, thank you. But I think most people try to be.

Mm, not in my experience.

You'd be surprised how many men can't be trusted.

To honesty.

To honest and, uh, good intentions.

[ Clink ]

And on her very first skydive,

Stacey landed right in the middle of the target circle.

Uh-huh. Unfortunately, there was another jumper there.

We both ended up with a concussion.

Listen, you haven't lived until you've tried a free fall.

It's great.

Oh, that's a good name for it, "free fall."

You couldn't pay me to do it.

Well, ace said that Stacey'll try anything.

She even surfs.

Oh, now that is something I would love to learn.

Well, I will explain to you my secret technique,

including how to dislocate your shoulder.

Oh!

Too bad they don't award, uh, purple hearts to civilians.

Yeah.

You oughta see her ski.

She's a real hotdogger -- somersaults, backflips.

That's how she ended up in this.

Hit the wall at snow canyon.

Ooh.

Well, aside from the accident, snow canyon

must've been great this season.

Mm-hmm.

Uh, well, I wouldn't know about that.

This happened 4 years ago.

♪♪

♪♪

Oh, can't we stop dancin'? My feet are killin' me.

But the pamphlet says that physical activity, like dancing,

will help us forget.

Forget what?

Smoking!

See, I already forgot.

Let's -- let's sit down here.

Come on.

You know,

I didn't know you liked cooking and housework so much.

Huh?

Well, you sit down,

you're gonna want a cocktail and a cigarette.

And then I'm going to win the bet.

Uh, pardon me, madame, would you care to soirée?

But of course.

I can't get used to seeing her in that wheelchair.

Old friends aren't supposed to change.

They're supposed to stay the same as they are

in our memories.

[ Sighs deeply ]

How do I talk to her?

What do I say?

Say how happy you are to be with her.

That is, if you are.

Sounds like a good start to me.

♪♪

Yeah.

[ Whispers ] Yeah.

I hope I'm not dancing too old-fashioned for you.

No, I like old-fashioned dancing.

That way you can hold the other person close.

I hope it never goes out of style.

You think it's too soon for me to feel, uh,

so attracted to you?

Actually, I think you're kinda slow.

I was attracted the first moment I saw you.

What are your plans later?

Mm-hmm.

The ship's on fire.

Uh-huh.

Wanna jump over the rail and go skinny dipping?

Mm-hmm. What?

[ Chuckles ] I'm sorry.

I guess I wasn't paying much attention.

This is the first time I've seen my father in action.

Well, later will be the first time

you get to see your purser in action.

Uh-huh.

♪♪

Stacey, you all right?

Seeing all those people dancing,

I think I miss that most of all.

It's hard to believe. You were such a lousy dancer.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Chuckles ] Thanks a lot.

I was about to indulge in a little self-pity.

Oh, we can't have any of that.

Hmm. [ Sighs ]

Thanks for the roses.

You're welcome.

You know, I thought about you a lot after college.

I almost called you several times.

I wish you had.

I thought you'd be married by now.

Well, I almost was.

I, uh, broke off my engagement a couple months ago.

Oh. Did, uh...

Ah!

Please, no questions.

Stacey...

Close your eyes.

[ Chuckles ] Why?

Just close your eyes, please.

Okay.

I get scared in my own darkroom.

So tell me when I can open 'em. All right?

Okay. Just a minute now.

All right.

Hurry up.

All right.

Now, don't peek. I'm not quite ready.

You're still crazy.

Okay. Ready.

Well, how do I look?

You look...

You look like my Stacey.

That was the plan.

♪♪

I feel like we're the last couple in a dance marathon.

Can't we stop dancin'?

Both my legs have cramps in 'em.

From smoking too much.

From dancing too much.

Oh, cramps are good for you.

Pain is good for you.

I mean, in 6 months from now, without smoking,

think how healthy you'll be.

Yeah, if I live through the dancin'.

[ Breathing deeply ]

What are you doing?

I'm inhalin'.

The band's playin' "smoke gets in your eyes."

[ Groans ]

Oh, no, Mr. Kilmer. I don't wanna dance.

The band is leaving.

What a shame. We have to stop dancin'.

Thanks from the bottom of my heart.

Come on.

Where are we goin'?

To the cabin.

I just thought of another physical activity we can do.

Somethin' that'll get you off your feet.

♪♪

Is the coast clear?

Well, it is right now,

but I'm expecting Allison any minute.

Oh, great.

Then fill me in quick.

I-I've gotta get back to gopher, too.

Well, there's not much to tell.

But if that moon stays right where it is,

I think I'll have a full report for you in the morning.

That's my pop.

You think I look a little, uh, younger in the moonlight?

No, just a little handsomer.

Now, look, you better scoot.

I think Allison's getting suspicious

of us bumping into each other all the time.

Oh, right. Oh!

Okay.

You're still my favorite man.

I love you.

Get.

Mmm.

Come here, gorgeous.

I thought you would be tired after all that dancin'.

No, I just needed somethin' to keep my lips busy.

Hmm, the pamphlet was right.

Everything does taste better.

Stop. We can't.

Why not?

Well, you know what happens when we start kissing.

I was kinda countin' on that.

Well, you know what happens after that.

Yeah, I fall asleep.

Yeah, well I stay awake and have a cigarette,

and I'll go crazy if I can't.

That's ridiculous.

Do you mean to tell me you're gonna avoid sex

for the rest of our lives?

Well, at least we'll live longer.

What for?

Whoo!

[ Laughs ]

Here you go.

Oh!

Ahh.

[ Sighs ]

Well, here we are, all safe and sound.

You know what I was thinking?

No, what were you thinking?

Do you remember that night that you sneaked into my dorm room?

Remember that?

[ Laughs ] Do I remember?

Yeah, I was scared outta my wits

that the housemother was gonna catch me.

Ah, but she didn't, but I did.

Yeah.

Oh.

[ Keys jangling ]

Well, uh...Here you go.

Night, Stacey. Mmm.

Well, wait a minute. Where are you going?

I mean, there's not a housemother in sight.

Aren't you gonna help me get undressed?

Oh, I'm -- i'm, uh, I'm sorry.

I didn't know you needed help.

Who said anything about need?

I-I can't.

You see, I've gotta develop some film

that has to be ready first thing in the morning.

Hmm? Better go.

Stacey, it's not that I don't --

oh, it's okay.

I understand.

Thanks for a lovely evening.

[ Whispers ] Yeah.

[ Door closes ]

♪♪

Hi.

What happened to you last night?

I waited, but you didn't come back.

Oh, I came back, but you were busy.

I didn't wanna break up anything.

Well, look, Allison, I can explain that.

Oh, well, I'm sure you can, but I'm not interested.

No, no.

The girl I was with, Robin, uh, that's my daughter.

Your daughter.

Yeah.

I'd expect you to come up with a more creative line

than that one.

Morning!

Do I detect a lover's spat to start the day?

Well, my day may be ending before it starts.

Allison saw me last night with Robin.

Now, she doesn't believe Robin's my daughter.

Oh.

Why is it that women always have trouble

believing the truth, huh?

Maybe we men don't tell it enough. I don't know.

Thanks, Adam.

Sure.

Hey, ace.

Good morning, ace.

Hi, ace.

Morning.

Where's Stacey?

She probably ate already.

Oh, no, she didn't. I've been here all morning.

Isaac, may I have a cup of coffee, please?

Sure.

[ Ace sighs deeply ]

Here you go.

[ Saucer clatters ]

Sorry. I'm sorry.

Uh, I'm sorry.

Ace, are you and Stacey --

Stacey and I.

What's the matter with everybody?

Why are we the hot new couple all of a sudden?

Ace, we're your friends, remember?

[ Sighs deeply ] I'm sorry.

Do you believe those two?

They can not stop eating.

That's because they're trying so hard to give up smoking.

And no matter how difficult,

it is the smartest thing they'll ever do.

I was even smarter. I gave it up before I started.

[ Scoffs ]

Do you realize we spent our entire savings

on this cruise?

And what for?

All we do every day is sit around not smoking.

It's ruined everything, even our sex lives.

I need some coffee.

Ooh, that sounds sexy. Go ahead.

Have some coffee.

Then you'll want a cigarette to go with it.

You know, it's gonna be such fun

having you wait on me hand and foot for 6 months.

Okay. Forget it.

Great cruise. Great cruise.

I give up everything -- smokin', coffee, sex.

Well, one of 'em was never a habit with you anyway.

Mmm.

Pop, well, let me get this straight.

You told her the truth, that I am your daughter.

And she didn't believe you?

Not for a minute.

[ Scoffs ]

With all these games we've been playing,

I can't say that I blame her.

But you have such an honest face.

Yeah, a face with egg all over it.

I'm sorry, dad. I got you into this mess.

Somehow, I'll straighten it out.

I think you've done enough straightening out for one trip.

Yeah, but dad --

I said enough.

Besides, it doesn't make any difference.

I'm too old for her anyway.

Good morning, ace.

Morning.

[ Exhales sharply ]

My, we're in a dark mood this morning.

Look...

Oh, I hate unfinished sentences.

Come on.

You're amazing. I mean, you are really amazing.

I acted like a jackass last night.

I walked out on you.

Here you are, acting like nothing ever happened.

Would you feel better if I yelled at you?

Maybe I would. At least I'd know how you feel.

Stacey, I'm so sorry.

Ace, it's okay. Forget it.

Stacey, it -- it's not that I...

Now, ace, I understand.

You just can't handle it.

I'm sorry, but what you see is what you get.

So, you see, stuard and Robin didn't mean to hurt anybody.

They just did this because he was attracted to you.

Did stuard send you to tell me that?

No. This was my own idea.

They both feel terrible about this.

Maybe I was too harsh with him,

but only because my last relationship

was a network of lies.

And I swore that I'd never go through that again.

Oh, come on. Stuard's not that kinda guy.

No, he isn't.

He impressed me as being very sincere.

Robin!

Hello!

Hi.

We were just talking about you and your father.

Uh, my father?

Mm-hmm.

Oh, well, don't tell me you fell for that, too.

I'm not stuard's daughter. I'm his mistress.

His mistress?

Well, yes.

I have been for years.

I thought I was losing him to you.

But, well, whatever happened between the two of you,

we're back together again. Thank you.

He is the most exciting man I've ever known.

That's the man I called sincere?

♪♪

Thank you.

I don't know what to do about it, captain.

I mean, I know I'm not handling it very well.

Well, why don't you talk to Stacey

and tell her how you feel?

I would, but I don't know how I feel.

I mean, part of me is deeply attracted to her.

And part of me

can't get used to seeing her in that...

That chair.

That's understandable. It's a big adjustment.

Kevin, will you log those for me, please?

Captain, you should've known her when she was in college.

I mean, she had everything going for her.

And now?

Now, she's disabled.

Ace...

What do you want from Stacey?

I don't know.

I think you do.

I want her to be like she was.

Well, I'm sure, in a lot of ways, she still is.

Stacey is a vibrant, delightful young woman.

I'm sure she deserves a man who will love her

the way she is, not remind her of what she was.

This might be the time for you to ask yourself

if you're that man.

And what if I'm not?

What does it make me?

Honest.

[ Sighs ]

Buenos dias, ladies and gentlemen.

Welcome to puerto vallarta, where you can enjoy everything

from parasailing to charming restaurants and shops

which line its cobblestone streets.

Whatever you'd like, you'll find it here

in fascinating puerto vallarta.

♪♪

Stacey, wait! I have to talk to you.

I'm on my way into town.

Good. I'll go with you.

No, you won't.

I don't need your help. I'm per--

Stacey, I am not trying to help you.

I'm trying to love you.

Ace, please.

Uh...

Stacey, I just --

I don't want your charity.

It's not charity.

Look, last night I was confused about a lot of things.

Now I'm not.

I want you.

Like this?

I don't care about the chair.

I care about you.

You're beautiful.

You're sexy.

You're really serious, aren't you?

Come with me and I'll show you how serious.

[ Sighs ]

I'm really confused.

Look, I need some time to think alone.

I'll talk to you when I get back. Okay?

[ Whispers ] Okay.

Uh, let me do that for you.

I-I just like to make sure they're really out.

I'm a fireman.

Judy: And this shop is supposed to be great.

Shoes? Oh, I love shoes!

[ Laughs ]

Cheap is my favorite, you know.

Uh, gimme a lite.

I heard that.

You asked for a light.

And that's exactly what the man gave me.

I didn't realize I have to give up beer, too.

Well, are going into town. Care to join us?

No, no, but just make sure this one doesn't smoke.

[ Coughs ]

[ Both sniffing ]

Marty, you're on fire!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Aah!

Are you all right?

Uh, yeah.

I'm fine.

And thanks for savin' me from smoking and losing the bet.

Get me a bourbon and stain remover.

Allison.

I'd like to apologize.

Don't apologize to me.

Apologize to Robin.

You're a liar and a cheat and a two-timer.

And not only did you treat me badly,

but how could you be so mean to Robin?

Mean to Robin? You gotta be kidding me.

All right, we have a very good relationship.

She gets everything she needs and wants.

You can't buy people.

You played me for a fool.

You played gopher for a fool.

And, worst of all, you played Robin for a fool.

And she loves you so.

[ Smack ]

That was from all three of us.

[ Groans ]

Oh, Robin, what have you done now?

♪♪

I just don't know what I'm gonna do when I go off duty.

I've received so many tempting offers.

I have the same problem.

I'm gonna wash my hair, too.

Hi, I'm looking for the lost and found.

Well, you found it.

I misplaced a ring that I bought in town,

and I was wondering if someone might've turned it in.

Is it inscribed to, uh, "honeybuns"?

Ah, yes. I'm afraid so.

We weren't prying.

We were just looking for identification.

Oh, that's okay. It's...

Well, it's kind of a personal joke.

No explanation necessary.

You are looking at two girls

who are going to wash their hair tonight.

Thanks very much.

Bye-bye. See you later.

Bye.

Honeybuns.

That's a good name for ace.

Sure does fit.

Attention, please.

We will depart puerto vallarta in 20 minutes.

We hope you enjoyed your stay.

Was good, huh?

[ Coughs ]

Captain? Doctor bricker?

Yes. Hey.

Have either of you seen my husband?

Well, he was in the Neptune bar a while ago.

Isaac said he chewed up all the straws.

Well, he's trying anything he can to find a substitute

for cigarettes.

Oh, don't worry.

I never heard of anyone getting hooked on straws.

How are you doing?

Okay.

Neither of us has smoked yet,

but Marty's ready to go back to it.

Marty?

I think he went back too far.

Marty, what on earth are you doing?

It's a pacifier.

The pamphlet says some people have trouble quitting

'cause their oral needs weren't satisfied as a baby.

Did it help?

Yes and no.

I still want a smoke, but I haven't cried for an hour.

♪♪

And you were so worried about being too old for her.

Well, I thought if I pretended to be your mistress

that you'd seem younger and more vital to her.

And now...I'm sorry, dad.

Oh, Robin, don't feel so bad.

The age problem's mine, not Allison's.

I shouldn't have gone along with this crazy scheme

in the first place. I knew it wasn't gonna work.

Hmm. I think I learned my lesson, too.

No matter what I tell gopher now, he'll think it's a lie.

Well, we came on this cruise to spend some time together.

Looks like we're getting our wish.

Hmm.

Do you think they're really father and daughter?

Sure. With all the stunts that Robin pulled,

she'd be thrown outta the mistress union.

Still miss that little liar, though.

I miss that big liar.

Not for long.

♪♪

Well, uh...

[ Clears throat ]

Allison, wait, please.

This is my daughter Robin.

She was trying to make you jealous

just to get us back together again.

Sometimes I do dumb things.

Sometimes?

Okay. A lotta times.

Most times. But I'd do them again

if it would help my dad.

Robin, please.

If you wanna help me, don't help.

You must be a wonderful man

to have a daughter that loves you that much.

I just wish we could start all over again.

Well, let's try. I am stuard mills.

This is my daughter Robin.

Hi.

I'm gopher Smith.

And, uh, I'm Allison purcell, his sister.

Why don't we all have a drink?

Okay.

Good idea.

♪♪

Ladies and gentlemen,

we are now leaving puerto vallarta

and heading for Los Angeles.

And it looks like smooth sailing all the way.

We can't go on like this.

Do you know how much I need you, how much I want you,

to feel your touch, to feel you on my lips?

I'm goin' over the edge.

Better a smoker than a rubber roomer.

[ Panting ]

I'm an addict. I admit it.

Marty, no! Don't do it.

Don't try to stop me.

I'll pay up. You win the bet.

I don't care about the bet.

Look, I'll do the housework and the dishes,

just don't smoke that cigarette.

Now you're fightin' dirty!

I will fight any way I have to.

Honey, I love you

and I want you around for a long time with me.

Marty, we can kick this thing together.

I don't think I can.

Look, I was reading the pamphlet

and it says, if all else fails

and someone is desperate for a cigarette, do this.

The pamphlet said that?

What's the difference?

We could stay like this forever.

Mmm, I could think of worse cures.

I'll kiss to that.

♪♪

Well, how's this?

Oh, fine.

You know, if it gets too chilly out here,

we could go back to your cabin,

start where we left off last night --

you, me, no housemother.

I have something to tell you.

But we can talk later.

No, don't, please.

I thought that's what you wanted?

I did.

And I didn't.

How's that?

Ace, I'm engaged.

Engaged?

Yes. I love him very much.

Well, if you'll excuse me if I have a hard time following you.

Look, I'm not proud of myself for doing this.

But I couldn't marry Jeff

if I thought he was doing it out of pity.

I had to prove to myself that I was...Still a woman,

still attractive to men, so --

so you needed some romantic Guinea pig,

so you looked up ace.

Well, thank you.

Ace!

Look, I...

I can't ask you to forgive me.

But maybe in time, you'll understand.

[ Exhales deeply ]

Jeff, huh?

Nice guy?

Yes.

[ Whispers ] Yeah.

[ Sighs ] Well...

I hope the two of you will be very happy.

Do you really mean that?

Not entirely, but I'm working on it.

♪♪

It was a wonderful cruise, gopher.

Yeah, I'd say it was interesting.

It's the first time I've ever competed for a girl

with her father.

Well, at least we had fun after everything got straightened out.

Yeah, I was kinda hoping you'd come up with some wild ideas.

Oh, well, I'm saving those until I know you better.

You two. Gopher, thank you.

Well, we haven't seen you two in quite a while.

Well, we have been getting better acquainted.

Well, I guess your age doesn't make a difference after all.

Well, I think you'll have to ask Allison.

Come on. Let's go...Junior.

It was a wonderful cruise.

Mm.

And a great success story.

Uh, you did kick the habit? Of smoking, that is.

We think...We'll write... Our own...Pamphlet.

I guess you didn't read the, uh,

surgeon general's latest report

that kissing can be dangerous to your health.

Oh, that's true, 'cause if I ever catch her

kissin' anybody else, I'll kill her.

[ Laughter ]

Thank you so much. Bye-bye.

Bye-bye.

Thank you all for making this trip so wonderful.

I'll never forget it.

And we'll never forget you, Stacey.

Good luck.

Thanks.

Is someone meeting you?

Uh, yes.

I called my fiancé Jeff. He's waiting for me.

Well, tell him, from me,

he's a lucky guy.

Oh, I think I'm the lucky one

to have found a guy like him

and a friend like you.

Thank you.

♪♪