Original subtitles

[Theme song]

Theme song: Love, exciting and new.

Come aboard.

We're expecting you.

And love, life's sweetest reward.

Let it flow.

It floats back to you.

The love boat soon will be making another run.

The love boat promises something for everyone.

Set a course for adventure, your mind on a new romance.

And love won't hurt anymore.

It's an open smile on a friendly shore.

It's love.

Welcome aboard.

It's love.

[Chatter and dishware

clinking]

Mmm, mmm.

Isaac, good choice.

It's a winsome little wine.

It's subtle, yet yielding.

Well, you can't really go wrong

with a chateauneuf du pape.

Hey, does anyone know why the captain

invited us here tonight?

I don't know.

He's been really mysterious lately.

Well, if I know merrill, he wouldn't invite us

to a four-star restaurant unless he had something

really big to tell us.

Yeah.

He probably wants us to pick up the check.

Please, not even as a joke.

Well, it's got to be one of two things.

Either he's going to tell us how great we are

and give us all huge raises or--

or?

It's something else.

Place your bets, folks.

Looks like we're about to find out.

If you'll all sit down, I'll join you in a minute.

Hello, everyone.

Hello, merrill.

Merrill, who are those people?

Well, uh, the one next to the empty chair is purser hinton.

And next to him are Dr. Barnes and ship's

photographer Whitfield.

And on their left are chief barman McManus,

and cruise director Shelton.

Uh, sir, that's all fine.

But who are those people?

They're your replacements.

Oh, no. They couldn't be.

What? What are you--

are you kidding?

No wonder the fancy dinner.

This isn't a dinner.

It's the last supper.

Isaac: I guess it's true what they say.

Nothing good lasts forever.

Forever.

I just set a record for the world's shortest career.

Yeah.

That makes two of us.

When it comes to photographers, you

can call me a flash in the pan.

Yeah.

I'm surprised they didn't find you a new daughter.

Captain stubing.

Oh.

Captain johanssen. - Good evening.

Good evening.

And I see that my group has arrived.

That's right.

I'll speak with you and your crew members in just a minute.

Ah.

[Non-English].

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

Uh, captain, did I hear you say his crew members?

That's right.

Captain johanssen has been sent here to replace me.

Oh, I'm sorry, merrill.

Now, don't feel so bad.

While they're replacing us, we're

going to be replacing them.

What?

We're going to take the royal viking sky to London and Paris.

[Excited chatter]

The picadilly circus.

What about the Eiffel Tower?

Fantastic.

And you had us believing we were all fired.

Well, I just thought you could use a little excitement

in your lives.

We're going to pick up the ship in Fort Lauderdale day

after tomorrow.

In that case, viva mon capitaine.

Viva le France.

Oui Oui.

To merry old england.

[Glasses clinking]

All right, mother.

We're finally here.

Now, will you tell me.

Tell you what?

You're holding out on me.

My darling, can't a mother take her son

on a trip to Europe without hidden motive?

Mother.

Now, why so skeptical?

Call it a present for two years of hard work,

if you need a reason.

Uh-huh.

Mother, I'm going to be an actor.

I'm dropping out of school, and I'm going to New York.

You know that.

I am fully aware of your intentions, Byron.

And you're not going to talk me out of it, because you

took me on some trip to Europe.

I've made no bargains here.

So if that's what's on your mind--

no, it's not.

[Phone ringing]

Ah, this is a beautiful ship.

What a beautiful ship.

Mother, you're holding out on me.

Am I?

Mother, dear.

What is your intention?

I want you to meet someone in London.

I've written them a letter.

Ah, who?

All in good time, love.

In good time.

Excuse me.

Can you tell us where cabin 81 is?

Sure.

Right up those stairs and to the left, and welcome aboard.

- Oh, thank you. - Thank you.

Thank you.

We're all set to have a go at merry old england.

It's the first time we've been to London since our honeymoon.

Oh, then you should have a wonderful time

reliving your memories.

What are you looking at?

Me?

Oh, nothing.

I saw you.

You were looking at those pretty girls.

Oh, no I wasn't.

They just happened to pass through my line of vision.

Over there?

Sometimes I think your head is on a swivel.

You're getting paid to be my secretary, you know, Samantha?

Not nearly as much as i'd get if I weren't your daughter.

A technicality.

Lilly marlowe.

And Samantha Gregory.

Promenade 132.

Is there somebody to direct us to our cabin?

Yes.

It's right around that bend and--

excuse me, but are you the Lilly marlowe

who wrote "Mr. Right knocks once" and "desire under lace?"

What a charming girl.

Samantha, make a note to get her an autographed copy of each.

Oh, thank you.

I've read both of those books 12 times.

Dad, this is Lilly marlowe, who wrote all

those wonderful bestsellers.

It's a great pleasure to have you aboard, Ms. Marlowe.

I hope you have a pleasant trip.

I hope you do more than just hope, captain.

I'll do my best.

So is--

oh, I'm sorry.

It's right through those doors.

Samantha.

Coming.

Some tough boss you've got there.

She's even a tougher mother.

[Thud]

Oh. Here, let me help you.

No. I-- I can get it.

[Clatter]

Samantha.

Samantha, whenever you're ready.

I'm sorry.

I have to go.

I'm sorry.

So if you have any questions or there's anything I can do

for you, just give me a call.

Ladies.

Smile, please.

[Camera clicks] - Great.

Thank you.

Enjoy your cruise.

You know, what you just told those two

young ladies goes for me too.

What's that?

Well, I'm sort of the new kid on the block myself.

I know what you're going through.

Listen, if there's anything I can do.

Thanks, ace.

I might take you up on that.

You know, I try not to show it, but this job

means everything to me.

I know.

As I said, I just went through the same thing myself.

It's probably why i'm the only one who noticed.

Can I help you?

Oh, thank you.

Ok.

Mr. John neary.

Mediterranean 117.

Ok.

Through those doors, two decks down, about midship.

You're very helpful.

I was hoping you went more for my type.

Hmm.

Until a few months ago, John neary was my husband.

[Heavy sigh]

[Ship's horn]

May I have your attention please.

This is captain stubing from the bridge.

We will be cruising at an average speed of 17.3 knots

and with fair skies ahead, we'll travel

3,950 nautical miles to southampton,

england in nine days.

Bon voyage.

Best wishes, Lilly marlowe.

Aren't you ever tempted to write rotten wishes

or, uh, this, book is overpriced.

No.

It's my job.

The hours are long, but at least the pay is lousy.

Ah.

Let me help.

No, thank you.

Would anyone know the difference?

I would.

Conscientious.

I like that.

What are you doing?

I'll show you.

There.

That's amazing.

I can't tell them apart.

Well, actually, mine's a little better.

Is this some hobby of yours?

No.

It's my profession.

I just painted a Rembrandt that sold for $2 million.

You're an art forger, right?

Yes, I am, but a legal one.

I restore damaged masterpieces for museums.

That must be a very difficult thing to do.

No.

Not really.

It's, um, just a matter of the hand following the eye.

She looks a lot like you.

Well, don't judge a book by its cover.

Hello.

Judy.

Why did you come on this cruise?

Can we go somewhere?

There's a lot I have to tell you.

Johnny, I'm working.

I know.

Please?

When I saw you come aboard--

I couldn't figure out why you were so surprised.

My name's on the passenger list.

There are 750 names on that list.

Let's go to my cabin.

No.

Then let's go to yours.

Johnny, I'm working.

Well, will I see you again later?

Yes, I suppose you will.

Ladies and gentlemen, we are now

passing the Bermuda islands, the last land before england.

Yeah, you know, there are a lot of terrific places

in London that we never got to on our honeymoon.

What's the matter?

Don't you want to talk?

All right, yes.

Let's talk.

Let's talk about your roving eyes.

Roving eyes?

Roving eyes.

Ok.

So I look, but I don't touch.

What about Chicago?

I touched Chicago?

Don't get cute with me.

You know what I meant.

That so-called business trip of yours

with that no-good Charlie.

I told you that woman's voice on the phone

was Charlie's date.

He's single.

He's still allowed to do that, you know?

What was she doing in your room?

They came in to drag me away from my paperwork.

It happens that I work very hard, Kathy.

That's how we can afford the beach house and the townhouse.

And you still have time to look at other women.

Oh, honey.

I think you're making much more out of this than it's worth.

Thank you.

Here we go.

Having a good time?

Great.

Good.

Ok, mother.

Enough.

Who am I meeting?

Who is the man you've written to?

Oh, a famous actor your mother knew in London.

Ah, the memorable years in London before you married dad.

So tell me, is this actor famous?

I mean, is he still famous?

Would I know him?

Sir Albert demerest.

You knew sir Albert demerest?

Quite well.

How well?

I was his secretary for three years after I graduated.

I was in love with him.

In love with him, with sir Albert?

He's a lot older than you are.

Well, he-- he was then.

We used to laugh about it.

I don't believe it that the man I watch

on "the late show," "Hamlet," "Macbeth,"

"the prisoner of zenda."

He had just finished that.

How come you never mentioned it before?

I thought I knew everything about you.

Not quite everything.

Will wonders never cease?

Well, let's hope that wonders never cease.

Ah, good.

Shall we have at it? - No.

I think we should wait for Judy.

Uh, she appears to have other plans.

I see.

Who is that man?

He's her ex-husband.

I remember our first meals together.

We used to have so much to say to each other,

we'd be speaking at the same time.

Then that should explain the silence.

We've said all we have to say to each other.

Not all.

I want you back, Judy.

John, we have been through all that before.

Then let me put it another way.

I'm going to get you back, Judy, no matter what it takes.

I want to see westminster Abbey, windsor castle, and

my friend Pam if there's time.

Oh, please drop westminster Abbey.

All those cold stones remind me of a room full of critics.

Mother.

You may see Pam as long as you spare me.

Her parents are terrible bores.

That's very good.

Good evening.

Well, won't you join us?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I don't know your name.

Roger wimbley.

This is my daughter, Samantha Gregory.

Legitimate, of course.

Mother.

And of course, I know who you are.

I've read many of your books.

Indeed.

Including "rapture in the garden?"

Oh, my favorite.

I never wrote a book called "rapture in the garden."

You haven't got her features at all.

Well, I thought I got them perfectly.

What do you think?

I think mine are better.

So Thursday morning we'll be in London.

Yes.

Excited?

Hmm, that's not quite the word for it.

It's been 20 years.

You really loved him.

Yes.

I really loved him.

Well, was, uh, sir Albert happy to hear from you?

He never answers his mail.

He never did.

I used to do it for him.

You should have seen his correspondence.

I wrote to the queen, Albert schweitzer, Katharine hepburn.

And you wrote to him that you'd be bringing me along.

No.

I told him that I was coming to see him.

Then how do you know he'll, uh, see me?

Because-- because I'm going to tell him something that I think

will compel him to see you.

Mother, compel him?

What could you possibly tell him?

That he's your father.

Mother.

You can't tell him that.

That--

oh, yes.

Yes, I can.

Mother, what are you saying?

My father was a teacher.

He-- he died before I was born.

He didn't have any family.

No.

He certainly didn't have any family.

No father or mother.

What?

I made him up.

And, uh, what have you been telling me all my life?

A lie.

And in spite of all the croaking from the wise guys,

it was number three on the best seller list for 11 weeks.

Well, what I like best about your books are the sad parts.

Oh, I cry and cry.

Taken from life, dear.

Taken from life.

May I?

Yes, sure.

You'd be delighted.

Well, I see your daughter has found a way

of spending her leisure time.

You're doing it again, aren't you?

Doing what?

Looking at another woman.

What are you talking about?

I didn't even turn my head.

I could hear your eyeballs click.

I feel as if a man has just died,

and he never even existed.

I'm sorry.

And sir Albert, my father.

Why?

Why didn't you ever tell me?

Because you would have wanted to get in touch with him.

Mother.

I had a right to get in touch with him.

I-- I just don't understand.

I-- what happened?

How did you two meet?

At a party.

There he was.

We were introduced.

He was charming, gallant.

Everybody made a fuss over him, but he took me home.

That's how it started.

I was in love with him, head over heels in love with a god.

It was outrageous.

And I was young.

And then your grandmother became ill, and I flew back home.

I wrote to him, but he never answers his letters.

And then one day, he did.

He had fallen in love, he said, with a woman closer to his age,

and he was getting married.

Terribly sorry.

He broke my heart.

And I found I was pregnant.

I loved him.

I-- I couldn't intrude on his happiness, his life,

make a scandal.

Then he doesn't know.

No.

No one knows, until this moment.

I don't know who to feel more sorry for, you or me.

Or him.

I've got a great idea.

Let's spend the whole week together, see all the sights.

I'll show you the painting I'm restoring

at the national gallery.

We'll catch a show or two.

It sounds wonderful.

But I don't think i'm going to have any time off.

Samantha, your mother will survive, believe me.

What about me?

Every sketch I've done since we've met

comes out looking like you.

You don't understand, do you?

I'm falling in love.

Oh, there you are, Samantha.

I've been overtaken by a veritable surge of inspiration.

We'll have hours of dictation.

Go inside, Samantha.

Please?

Go on.

Mother, i--

I'm sorry.

Good night.

Uh, good night.

Captain stubing: Ladies and gentlemen, this

is captain stubing speaking.

Shortly after noon, we'll be entering the port

of south Hampton, england.

You'll find the natives very friendly and amazingly quick

at picking up the language.

Here are the forms you requested, sir.

Oh, thank you, lieutenant. As you were.

Morning, Judy.

Hi, sven.

Captain.

I'm sorry I didn't get here sooner, sir.

I was distributing the tour schedules.

Yes.

That's what I wanted to see you about.

You should have completed that last night.

I know, sir.

It was a small problem getting organized.

I understand.

Judy, will you get these to gopher?

It's rather important.

I've made a number of changes and requisitions

that have to be executed by the printers in London.

Well, sir.

I'd be happy to handle that.

Thank you, Judy.

I appreciate that.

So will gopher.

Tell the printer I need them as soon as possible.

You know, it seems that not only governments

but also ships run on paper.

No problem, sir.

I'll handle it.

Thanks again, Judy.

Well, some important job you have.

Delivery girl.

Look, John, i'm not on vacation.

I think it's going to do me any harm

to do what the captain asks.

Then I'm going to have to stay with you every minute.

If you're carrying such important papers,

you should have a guard 24 hours a day.

Purser: Ladies and gentlemen, the currency exchange

is now available in the purser's lobby.

[Knock on door]

I'll get it, mother.

Yes?

(Singing) London bridge is falling down, falling down.

Let me take you on the town, my fair lady.

I thought i'd never seen you again.

Oh, no.

I don't scare off quite that easily.

Besides, I want to see you again.

I don't think I can.

Samantha, who is that?

Oh.

Mother, look at the beautiful roses

that Roger brought you and would like to show us around London.

Oh, how kind.

You drive a taxi?

No.

Mother.

Now, some of the things you put out simply won't do.

And have you made those reservations yet at the, uh,

white elephant?

No, not yet.

Uh, contacted Pam?

No.

I'll do it later, mother.

Dear, Roger.

There's so much to do and there's so little time.

I'm sure you would have given us a lovely tour, but you see,

we've already made our plans.

You understand?

Oh, really Samantha.

Mother, I don't see what you have against him.

He seems very nice.

Well, of course, he does.

They all do.

Even your father seemed nice.

[Knock on door]

Uh, no hard feelings.

You can keep the roses.

[Knock on door]

(Singing) National gallery standing there, perched

above trafalger square, half past three,

hope you're there, my Samantha.

Captain stubing: Ladies and gentlemen, we will

be docking soon in southampton.

Once we've cleared customs, a train will take

us to our hotels in London.

You won't want to miss magnificent sights

like piccadilly circus, trafalgar

square, the tower of London, and of course, Buckingham Palace.

Have a marvelous time and cheerio.

Vicki: This is great.

A real double-Decker bus.

Captain stubing: There's not a better way to see London.

Dr. Bricker: It's the way the londoners see London.

Gopher: Where's Victoria station on this map?

Isaac: We're in it, goph.

Gopher: Oh.

Dr. Bricker: That's St. clemens church.

Imagine, over 1,000 years old.

Captain stubing: Makes me feel young.

Vicki: Wow.

Trafalgar square.

Gopher: That's lord Nelson way on top of that column.

Isaac: I don't blame him.

Anything to get away from those pigeons.

Vicki: Oh, it's beautiful.

St. Paul's is the second largest cathedral in the world.

Look.

Over there, the houses of parliament.

Something I've always wanted to see.

Dr. Bricker: The heart of the British government.

Vicki: And look.

Off to the left is big Ben.

Dr. Bricker: It looks like they're

giving old Ben a face lift.

Captain stubing: Well, if parliament is the heart,

right around the corner is the soul, westminster Abbey.

It's so beautiful.

What incredible stained glass.

Oh, it's so impressive.

Let's find a poet's corner.

Isn't it wonderful the way that English

honor their great writers?

Charles dickens.

Rudyard kipling.

What a sense of history.

Westminster Abbey.

It's like walking through the pages of English history.

Didn't walking down that aisle remind you of another aisle

we walked down 10 years ago?

Were we ever in love.

I remember.

I'd have no trouble loving you now, if only I could trust you.

Well, I've got a great idea.

Why don't we go back to the hotel

for a little afternoon trust.

You go back.

I know how you feel about souvenir shopping

for the people back home.

And I want to get my hair done.

I'll be back about 6:00.

What I have in mind is only going to mess

up your hair all over again.

Well, that's why we women get it done in the first place.

Taxi.

Regent street, please.

[Church bells]

Roger?

- Hi. - Hi.

I was hoping you'd come.

You haven't got the features at all.

Uh-oh.

You're right.

I haven't even come near it. - No.

It's very good.

Not alongside the original, it isn't.

Uh, there are people.

Really?

I hadn't even noticed.

Come on.

I'll show you around.

John: Well, was I right about the national gallery?

Judy: Oh, it was spectacular.

Ah, well, that--

that is St. Martin's in the field.

Oh, wonderful.

And wait until you see windsor castle.

John, I'm not too sure we should be

spending so much time together.

What's wrong with seeing London?

We never got a chance to do it when we were married.

Well, we're not married now.

Then we'll play it by ear, a day at a time

and a night at a time.

Let's see how the days work out first.

[Knock on door]

Just a minute.

Did you forget your key, hon?

Mr. Leonard Ross?

Yes?

Surprise.

Who are you and what are you doing here?

I'm Monica.

And I'm your birthday present.

My what?

Your birthday present.

Charlie.

No, I'm not Charlie.

I'm Monica, and I'm all yours for the rest of the trip.

I'm going to kill that Charlie.

Don't you like your birthday present?

Oh, yes.

Of course.

You're-- you're the right size and everything.

What am I talking about?

You've got to get out of here.

You can't sit on that bed.

Would you rather I lay down on it?

No.

No.

Oh, you passionate man.

Eh, eh, no.

No.

This can't be.

Oh, yes it can.

Let me unwrap your present.

I, uh, I don't know who you are or where you came from,

but you've got to get out of here.

What are you doing?

We could have such a wonderful time together.

Yes, I'm sure we could, but my wife right now

is thinking about divorce, and if she finds you here with me,

she'll go right past divorce into murder.

But we paid for.

I'll get you wherever you go.

Oh, Charlie, why couldn't you have just sent

me a tie like everybody else?

[Traffic noise]

[Buzzer]

Yes?

Hello.

Maud.

Maud.

Maud correll.

Well, c-- c-- c-- come on in.

Oh, maud.

How marvelous to see you again.

I heard you were coming for a visit.

He's-- he's been agitated, you know.

How is he?

Well, he's-- he's older.

Not so busy anymore.

A lot of his old friends gone, you know.

Is he here?

No.

He's around the corner at the pub.

I know the one.

Probably had a few.

I'll find him.

So good to see you, maud.

Oh, and you.

[Smooch]

I'll see you later.

All right.

[Door closing]

[Chatter]

Mmm.

Hello, Albert.

It's maud.

Maud.

I sent you a letter.

Did you?

Oh, yes.

Yes, you did.

If ever my cup runneth over.

[Phone ringing]

Hello?

Mom, it's me.

Oh.

Samantha.

You'll never guess what.

Samantha, where are you?

I ran into my friend, Pam.

Ah.

I'm at her parents' place, and they would love it

if you could come for dinner.

Absolutely not.

I wouldn't be seen dead with those people.

If I had to spend an evening listening to their prattle,

that's exactly what would happen.

All right, mother.

Whatever you say.

Just don't worry about me.

I'll just curl up and write a good book.

The buses stop running very early.

I might have to stay overnight.

All right.

Give my love to Pam and to-- to-- to her lovely parents.

Hmm?

Goodbye, mother.

Never lied to her before.

It's all right, darling.

Roger, there's a lot I've never done.

I love you.

Piccadilly circus, here we come.

What's over there?

Hey, I think they're punkers.

Look at those guys.

Hey, take our picture.

I always take yours.

You take mine.

Oh, ok.

Ok.

Come on.

Get up in there.

Can we get a picture of our friend with all of you?

There's room for all of you.

Closer.

Closer. Come on.

Let's get everyone in here.

Get a little closer.

Now hold it.

Let's go.

Hey, guys.

Guys, come back.

Come back, guys.

This is really something, huh?

The changing of the guard at Buckingham Palace.

Yeah, there's so many of them.

No, I don't understand.

What do you mean you haven't told him yet?

Have a heart, will you?

You're the one that should be talking

about having a heart, mother.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

You're right.

Well, it's-- it's the whole purpose

of coming to Europe, wasn't it?

Byron, i--

I mean I haven't seen the man in 20 years.

It wasn't the moment.

Right.

Well, when it is the moment, you are going to slip

my name in there, right?

I'll find the moment.

Thanks.

All right, ladies and gentlemen.

Follow me in now.

We're getting to the tower of London.

Now, the tower of London was built over

900 years ago under the order of William, the Duke of normandy.

He made the last successful invasion of this country

in the year 1066 and built in the southeast corner

of the city of London a large Norman keep

or dungeon to be used as the royal palace, a fortress,

and the seat of government and also

was a place where they kept many of the royal prisoners.

Now, this tower of London was developed over 200 years

to cover 17 acres of ground.

On this site stood a scaffold on which were executed

queen Anne boleyn, 1536; Margaret, countess

of Salisbury, 1541; Queen Catherine Howard, 1542;

Jane, viscountess--

talk about quickie divorces.

Edward viii only had one less wife than you did, doc.

And no alimony.

Let's go to the tower.

Ok.

All right.

What's next?

Absolutely wonderful.

Aren't you having the nicest time?

Yes. Yes.

It really is the best.

Oh, len, there's a postcard stand over there.

I promised to send one to my cousin in Santa Monica.

Monica?

Where?

Santa Monica, California.

Oh, of course.

Excuse me.

Hello.

Monica.

I thought I told you to leave me alone.

But love, I'm your birthday present.

My birthday was yesterday.

Oh, you're such a kidder.

No, I'm not.

I don't want you following me anywhere anymore.

I've got to hand it to you, len.

You certainly work fast.

Oh, well.

This, uh, unattractive young lady

was just mistaking me for a beefeater,

but I'm a vegetarian.

I'm len Ross, and this is my wife Kathy Ross.

What is your name, young lady? - Monica.

Monica Blackburn. - How do you do?

Nice to meet you.

It's a pleasure.

Ah, well hello, Monica.

And, uh, you have a very lovely city here.

We really should be seeing the rest it.

Yes.

Well, uh, miss Blackburn, perhaps you can help us.

We were going to see the houses of parliament.

Can you tell us how to get there?

Oh I can do better that that.

I'll take you there. - Oh, no.

No. - Wonderful.

Well, I mean, don't put yourself out.

Oh, but I want to.

I won't hear of it.

I've never seen you so rude.

This young lady is offering her warm British hospitality,

and you're offending her.

Uh, whatever you say, dear.

Smashing.

Good.

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