Original subtitles

Welcome to the first annual

Finnegan High Film Festival!

Whoo! Yeah!

Everyone worked really hard

on their films,

although, for many of these,

you cannot tell.

- Nonetheless, - at the end of the night,

The best film will be awarded

the grand prize...

the Golden Fryer!

[collectively "ooh" ing]

made of molten gold...

[all]

Ooh.

And an actual chicken.

- [all] - Eww!

Fine.

If you don't want this one,

you can choose to accept

the...

Golden Block of Tofu.

- [collectively] - Ooh...

- Although, truth is, - this is also made of chicken.

♪ Good-bye, summer,

hello, fall ♪

♪ We've been trying

to get here ♪

♪ Since we both

were barely two feet tall ♪

♪ Who you calling kid?

Who you calling kid? ♪

♪ Who you calling kid? ♪

- ♪ You can call me - what you want ♪

♪ But I won't hear a word

where I am here ♪

♪ Who you calling kid? ♪

All right, the first film

in our festival is by...

Oh. Adam Young.

Well, I guess

we'll watch it anyway.

Thanks for the support.

Did that sound like support?

Huh. Really got to work

on my inflection.

Here I am...

a charming,

intelligent, handsome,

single professor...

- and although - my best friend says

- I should occasionally - pull my face away

- From my microscope - and look at something

Other than this...

corrosive diplococcus,

I can't imagine

that, in my entire life,

I'll ever see something

more beautiful and exquisite.

Sorry I'm late,

Professor A.D. Orable!

It's pronounced "adorable."

I'm your new graduate student.

Oh, you must be...

Wanda Mary Adam.

-Why don't you help me...

-I can help you...

- [both] - catalogue these bacteria.

[giggles]

Just let me fix my hair.

[romantic theme playing]

[yelling]

Turn off the fan!

[romantic theme stops]

Oh, Professor! I am so sorry.

- That stuff won't - hurt you, will it?

Nothing hurts,

as long as you're here.

Really? Because it seems to be

eating through your coat.

Can't feel it.

[With effort] All I can feel

is the warmth of your presence.

The heat.

The burning...

searing heat...

of your presence.

[cell phone rings]

Oh.

I need to take this.

I'll be right back.

[door closes]

Now I can feel it!

I've never met anyone like her.

She's amazing.

- I can't believe - you wrote a movie

Just so you could

get close to Echo.

Derby! Stick to the script.

What? Oh. Are we rolling?

[monotone]

You should ask her out.

She'd be lucky to have you.

- You're a great guy, - funny, charming,

And boyishly handsome...

Seriously?

Do I really have to say

this stuff?

I know this is a movie,

but it should be

slightly believable!

[Mrs. Byrne] Would you two quit

it with the sappy yammering?

I'm trying to relax

and have a schvitz.

Mrs. Byrne,

you're not in this scene!

What scene?

[kettle whistling]

[romantic theme playing]

Huh. Where is Wanda Mary Adam?

I'd better call and find out.

[speed-dials, line rings]

- Hello?

- Wanda?

- She can't come - to the phone right now.

- She's getting married.

- I do.

And do you, Wanda,

take this man

- to be your lawfully - wedded husband for as long

As you both shall live?

Oh, no!

This is terrible.

What am I...

A charming, intelligent,

handsome, single professor...

Going to do?

I just need to stay calm

- and approach this - in a rational manner.

- [roaring] - Wanda!

Wanda!

- [Tater] - Can we wrap this up?

I'm meeting a minister

and a rabbi for golf.

I'm sorry. I can't marry you.

He's the one that I want.

Professor A. Dorable!

Wand...

[glass shatters]

Aah...

- I knew we were meant - to be together!

Could you hold on a second?

[giggles]

I do!

Great. I now pronounce you

husband and wife.

["The Wedding March" playing]

[applause]

"Wanda Mary Adam."

I just got it!

Well, I guess that

didn't work out.

Maybe it will in the sequel.

There won't be a sequel.

I don't want my wife

working in this business.

Next up, we have

a film from... Derby!

OK! So everybody put on

your 3d glasses.

[suspenseful music playing]

[clatter]

Derby!

3d movies are made using

special technology.

You can't just throw stuff

and expect it to seem life-like.

Well argued.

[music resumes]

[sirens approach, tires squeal]

Oh, no! They've got hostages!

Thanks for coming,

"McAwesome."

It's my McPleasure.

Now bring me up to speed,

and don't leave anything out.

- The smallest detail - can mean the difference

Between life and death.

Bad guys have taken over

the bank. They...

Got it, and now they're

gonna get this.

[Echo] Please! Let us go!

- I'm a 30-something - mother-to-be.

My husband and I

are expecting triplets.

And... this will be

their first gift!

And tomorrow, I'm supposed

to have leg-transplant surgery

and stand for the first time.

Quiet, hostages!

Come on! That was

a very reasonable request.

- [German accent] - Soon, I will be in possession

Of every safety deposit box

in the world.

Und if anyone wants to use one,

they'll have to pay me

hefty monthly fees,

plus a non-refundable

key deposit!

[laughing evilly]

[Dang] Delivery!

Here is the Chinese food

you asked for

as one of your demands.

- They're still working - on the helicopter

And the natural-looking toupee.

I'm serious about

the natural-looking part.

They always say you can't tell,

but you can tell.

This Chinese food bag

is empty!

- [Derby's voice]: - So is the bag of chances

That you'll get out of here.

[latex ripping]

McAwesome!

I thought I took care

of you in Paris.

You did.

You treated me very nicely...

the 5-star hotel,

the fancy meals,

the stimulating conversation.

- For a madman bent on - destroying the world,

You're a wonderful host!

But this time, you've gone

too far!

Oh, no!

I'm having my babies now!

[grunting]

Nein!

[high-pitched scream]

[roars]

And you can take that

to the bank.

McAwesome did it!

[crowd cheering]

You did it, McAwesome!

The hostages are going home

to their families.

Thanks, cop-on-the-beat,

but I don't do it for the glory.

That may be, but the president

wants to thank you personally.

["Hail to the Chief" playing]

McAwesome, you have once again

saved our country from bad guys.

I shall now bestow upon you

- this nation's - greatest distinction...

The Congressional Swedish-style

Massage of Honor.

Mmm.

Wow, Derby,

that turned out great.

And the way you destroyed

part of the school...

that was an amazing

special effect!

Special effect.

Yes.

OK. Next movie. Slab?

Once upon a time...

in a land far away...

[angry mob shouting]

We don't like you!

Quit it!

I was just looking for the mall!

I heard a new Big 'n' Tall

store opened up.

Hey, Shlab,

why so blue?

'Cause no one likes me, Goat.

I like you, when you're

not mocking me

for my ability to grow

a beard, but not a mustache.

That reminds me...

[laughs mockingly]

Ooh. The king's herald is

going to make an announcement.

[plays jazzy be-bop]

Hear ye, hear ye!

I love be-bop.

I also bear news from the king.

The princess has been kidnapped

by an evil dragon.

A handsome reward awaits

whoever shall save her!

Goat! You know

what I'm thinking?

If you save the princess,

she'll marry you

and no one will

throw rocks at you?

Yeah.

[dragon roaring]

[suspenseful music playing]

Seriously? About to save

the princess here!

OK. We're at the dragon's lair.

You go in, smite the dragon,

and rescue the princess,

while I...

rub against this tree.

Oh, that's...

[bleats] goo-oo-ood.

- [Echo's voice] - Help! Help!

It's the princess!

Won't someone save me? Even

someone big, blue, and ugly?

Who are you calling...

fair enough.

[roaring]

Out of my way, dragon.

You dare set foot in my lair?!

[exhales]

[groans]

That won't slow down

the dragon for long.

He's a nasty, rotten bully!

Yeah, but so are you.

Who are you calling...

Fair enough.

There!

OK, OK. Take her!

Ow! Ow! Dragon wedgie!

[Echo's voice] My hero!

I will be yours forever.

[Echo's voice]

And I do mean forever.

Come on, people!

Now would be a good time

to hit me with a rock!

[playing a jazzy riff]

[half-hearted applause]

Applaud like you were moved!

[cheering]

Now shower me with flowers!

Now make me the darling

of the club scene!

[techno music playing]

That's better!

Our next film is called...

"Tater & Me."

Oh! That's so sweet.

Someone made a movie about me.

I did.

Uh-oh.

I am standing outside

Finnegan High,

considered by many to be

the worst school in our nation.

- Let's step through - these doors and see if it's

As bad as people say.

According

to the school directory,

this is "home ec" class.

- Let's have this worker - come over here and tell us

What she's working on.

Do you mind?

Sure.

[chain clatters]

We're making

cheerleader uniforms.

For who? These aren't

the Finnegan High colors.

We don't ask who we're

making these for.

We don't even ask

for bathroom breaks.

Are you saying Principal Tater

is running a sweatshop?

Not on camera, I'm not.

Great news!

- We just got the contract - to make underpants

For the new Big 'n' Tall store.

Use this as your template.

- Mr. Tater, would you - care to comment on...

[high-pitched scream]

There have been reports

of rats and cockroaches

in the cafeteria kitchen.

Let's see

if these rumors are true.

Ahh, the subtlety

of the tarragon.

Francois, you've

outdone yourself.

Oh, no. Gaston, wait.

- Just because I like - the soup doesn't mean

I don't like

your salade niçoise.

- Mr. Tater, would you - care to comment on...

[high-pitched scream]

[Echo] And, to this day,

Principal Tater remains

in charge of Finnegan High.

[music ends]

Oh, thank goodness.

She didn't show any

of the really bad stuff.

And now, our final film

of the evening is from... Dang!

You introduced me?

[everyone]

Ah!

Psst. Roll film.

Ah!

Could everyone stop screaming

and just roll the film?

[theme music playing]

I seek the one known

as "Savage Wind Hands!"

He killed my father...

in a game of "Go Fish."

He must now face my vengeance!

Should have asked

before chopping.

Hiyah!

Hiyah!

Hiyah!

[groans]

Yah... oh!

Is that the best you can do?

Dang!

[all] You called?

[shrieks]

I guess I did!

[all grunting]

[goose honks]

Savage wind hands...

I have found you.

Ho, ho, ho!

You are no match for Dang.

Hee, hee, hee.

Quiet, village simpleton!

[Dang]

Savage Wind Hands!

Vengeance will be mine!

Do you not recognize me...

Grasshopper?

Master?

You cannot beat me.

We will see!

- [roars] - Hiyah!

Hiyah!

Ha! You think

you're the only one

who can freeze in mid-air?

Ha. I tricked you!

I'm not really frozen.

I'm standing on a chair!

Ho, ho, ho!

You cannot move!

[laughing]

Now to punch you where

the sun does not shine...

this room.

You should really consider

putting in a skylight.

[applause]

[gong sounds]

OK, we'll take

a short intermission

and then be back

to announce the winner.

Hey! You not wait

to watch the credit?

Many people work

very hard on this movie.

[all groan]

[theme music playing]

[theme music continuing]

[gong sounds]

Fine films, everyone.

You're all winners...

but not really.

- Only one of you - will be a real winner

And receive this trophy.

The rest of you... losers.

You can all share this one.

And now, the "Golden Fryer"

goes to...

Principal Tater

for "The First Annual

Finnegan High Film Festival!"

[all protesting]

People!

I did make a movie. See?

And you're all in it.

Wow. What a movie.

So many layers.