Original subtitles

HELLO, EVERYONE.

- I'D LIKE TO THANK YOU ALL - FOR STAYING AFTER SCHOOL

FOR THIS IMPORTANT CEREMONY.

I CAN'T SEE.

GIVE ME A BOOST.

WHAT?

WATCH THE HAIR!

AND THE SPINE!

IN ANY EVENT, WE ARE HERE TODAY

- TO HONOR ONE OF FINNEGAN HIGH'S - MOST BELOVED FIGURES...

A GHOST?

HARDLY.

ALTHOUGH HE IS

HAUNTINGLY CHARMING.

- YOU COMMISSIONED - A STATUE OF YOURSELF?

[ALL SHOUTING]: BOO!

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!

ARE WE SAYING "BOO"

TO SHOW OUR DISPLEASURE

WITH THE TATER STATUE,

OR ARE WE TRYING

TO LURE THE GHOST BACK?

PEOPLE, PLEASE.

IT'S COMPLETELY APPROPRIATE

- FOR A SCHOOL TO HONOR - ONE OF ITS PRINCIPALS

IN THIS MANNER.

HOW CAN WE EVEN AFFORD THIS,

GIVEN THAT THE SCHOOL HAS

SO MANY OTHER NEEDS,

- LIKE UPDATING - THE COMPUTER SCIENCE LAB?

WHAT?

WHY?

THE CALCUTRON 2000

WORKS JUST FINE,

- AS LONG AS YOU STUDENTS REMEMBER - TO CHANGE ITS LIGHT BULBS

ONCE IN A WHILE

AND KEEP ITS VACUUM TUBES

FREE OF MICE.

BESIDES,

THIS STATUE WAS PAID FOR

- WITH MONEY FROM - OUR BUILDING FUND.

SHOULDN'T THAT MONEY BE SAVED

- TO MAKE EMERGENCY REPAIRS - TO THE BUILDING?

PLEASE...

- THIS OLD GIRL IS AS STURDY - AS THE DAY SHE WAS CONSTRUCTED.

[CRUMBLING]

[STUDENTS SHRIEK IN PANIC]

[COMPUTER BEEPS AND TRILLS]

[MECHANIZED LAUGHTER]

IT'S NOT FUNNY, CALCUTRON!

[♪♪♪]

♪ GOODBYE, SUMMER

HELLO, FALL ♪

♪ WE'VE BEEN TRYING

TO GET THERE ♪

♪ SINCE WE BOTH

WERE BARELY TWO FEET TALL ♪

♪ WHO YOU CALLIN' KID?

WHO YOU CALLIN' KID? ♪

♪ WHO YOU CALLIN' KID? ♪

♪ CAN CALL ME WHAT YOU WANT

BUT I WON'T HEAR A WORD ♪

♪ WHERE I AM HERE ♪

♪ WHO YOU CALLIN' KID? ♪

[♪♪♪]

[THUNDER RUMBLING]

[RAIN SPATTERING]

HMM.

- WHERE AM I - GOING TO FIND SOMETHING

TO KEEP THE RAIN OFF ME?

OF COURSE!

IT'S SO OBVIOUS.

HEY!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

QUIET, UMBRELLA.

[SNAPS OPEN]

[RUFFLING AND SPLASHING]

- WELL, I GUESS - IT'S BETTER THAN THE TIME

HE USED ME AS A PLUNGER.

I CAN'T BELIEVE

- THE SCHOOL STILL HASN'T - FIXED THE HOLE IN THE ROOF.

THIS IS DANGEROUS.

SOMEONE COULD SLIP.

THERE YOU ARE, MR. YOUNG.

I'VE DECIDED THAT

WE'LL PAY FOR A NEW ROOF

BY HOLDING

A FUNDRAISER AUCTION.

- STUDENTS WILL BE ABLE TO BID - ON SCHOOL STAFF,

MAKING THEM SERVANTS FOR A DAY.

YOU'RE GOING TO SELL ME?

YEAH.

WHY ELSE WOULD I HAVE BOUGHT

- THIS SOLID-GOLD - AUCTIONEER'S GAVEL,

WITH THE MONEY FROM

THE SCHOOL BUS MAINTENANCE FUND?

I MEAN, REALLY, NEW BRAKES

EVERY 50,000 MILES?

SEEMS EXCESSIVE.

YOU KNOW...

IF I CONVINCE ECHO TO BUY ME,

- WE CAN SPEND - THE WHOLE DAY TOGETHER!

- YEAH, WELL, - I'D LIKE TO NOT SPEND

- THE WHOLE DAY - IN HERE.

- CAREFUL, DON'T - OPEN ME INDOORS.

THAT'S BAD LUCK.

- YOU KNOW, YOU REALLY - SHOULDN'T LET SLAB

PUSH YOU AROUND LIKE THAT.

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?

IT'S NOT LIKE

THERE'S ANYONE AROUND HERE

- TO TRAIN ME - TO FIGHT BACK.

THAT'S AMAZING, DANG.

YOU DODGED THE RAINDROPS!

THAT IS AMAZING.

IT'S SO OBVIOUS!

DANG, CAN YOU

RECOMMEND SOMEONE TO TRAIN ME?

[GAVEL BANGS]

SOLD, FOR $25!

- MR. MANX, - OUR BELOVED SHOP TEACHER.

[APPLAUSE]

PICTURE THIS...

"OH, NO, WHO WILL HELP ME

WITH ALL THIS HOMEWORK?"

"I, ADAM YOUNG,

- "YOUR HUMBLE SERVANT - FOR THE DAY,

WILL HELP YOU."

"YOU'RE THE GREATEST.

THANK YOU."

- ANYWAY, YOU SHOULD - BID ON ME.

SURE.

I MEAN, IT'S NOT LIKE

YOU'RE GOING TO GO FOR

A LOT OF MONEY.

YES!

NEXT UP FOR BID,

OUR BELOVED JANITOR, DANG.

WHERE IS HE?

HELLO.

[YELPING IN SURPRISE]

- WHO WILL START - THE BIDDING?

$10.

20!

[EVERYONE YELPS]

OH, NO, YOU DON'T.

30!

- WE HAVE 30. - DO I HEAR 40?

TOO RICH FOR MY BLOOD.

[BANGS GAVEL]

SOLD TO DERBY FOR $30!

[APPLAUSE]

NEXT, GET READY

TO BID ON A BIDDY.

MRS. BYRNE!

[APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU, PAGEANT JUDGES.

MY TALENT IS PLATE SPINNING.

WHOA!

[SMASH]

- OKAY, WHO WOULD LIKE - TO START THE BIDDING?

DO I HEAR $10?

EIGHT.

HOW ABOUT FIVE?

OH, COME ON, PEOPLE,

THE WOMAN SPINS PLATES!

ONE DOLLAR.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- I THOUGHT YOU WERE - BUYING ME.

I AM.

- I'M JUST TRYING TO GET - THE BIDDING STARTED.

I FEEL BAD FOR HER.

WE HAVE ONE DOLLAR.

- DO I HEAR - A BUCK 25?

WE CAN FIGURE OUT

A PAYMENT PLAN.

[BANGS GAVEL]

- SOLD FOR ONE DOLLAR. - MRS. BYRNE.

[POLITE APPLAUSE]

WHAT HAPPENED?

- I THOUGHT YOU WERE - GOING TO BUY ME.

DON'T WORRY.

- I'M SURE SOMEONE ELSE - WILL BUY YOU.

[BANGS GAVEL]

SOLD TO IVY YOUNG!

[APPLAUSE]

NO!

OUR FINAL

AND MOST ANTICIPATED ITEM

- IS A BELOVED MEMBER - OF THE FINNEGAN FAMILY,

WHO HOLDS A SPECIAL PLACE

IN OUR HEARTS...

PRINCIPAL TATER!

[GASPING]

WHO, ME?

OH, THANK YOU.

YOU'RE TOO KIND.

YOU'RE AWESOME.

OKAY, OKAY.

LET'S START THE BIDDING AT...

$50,000!

COME ON, SLAB.

THIS ISN'T A JOKE.

OH, I'M NOT JOKING.

DO I HEAR $50,001?

MAYBE I COULD BID ON MYSELF.

HELLO?

[VOICE ECHOES HOLLOWLY]

[BANGS GAVEL]

[VOICE ECHOING] SOLD!

[APPLAUSE]

GOOD MORNING, SERVANT.

[ADAM GROANS]

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO TO ME?

I NEED A BEST FRIEND.

- YOU KNOW, - SOMEONE TO GOSSIP WITH,

TAKE SHOPPING WITH ME,

DO EACH OTHER'S HAIR...

WHAT ABOUT BETHANY?

- I THOUGHT - SHE WAS YOUR BEST FRIEND.

SHE IS.

- MY BESTEST FRIEND - IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD,

BUT SHE'S RECOVERING

FROM A NOSE JOB.

I HOPE THEY GAVE HER A HUGE ONE.

WHAT CAN YOUR HUMBLE SERVANT

DO FOR YOU?

TEACH ME

EVERYTHING YOU KNOW.

- I WANT TO BE ABLE TO DO - ALL THE THINGS YOU CAN DO.

AH, YOU WISH TO BE TRAINED

IN THE ANCIENT WAYS,

AS I WAS BACK IN VIETNAM.

[ROARING]

D'AH!

- YES, YES! - WHERE DO I START?

WE MUST START WITH THE BASICS.

COME.

I WILL SHOW YOU...

ON THIS LOCKER!

WASH...

DRY...

WASH.

DRY.

OKAY, I GOT IT.

HAI!

WASH.

DRY.

WASH.

DRY...

HI-YAH!

DRY...

DRY.

DRY...

OKAY, SLAB,

THE SCHOOL DESPERATELY

NEEDS YOUR $50,000,

- SO I GUESS I'M YOUR... - SERVANT FOR THE DAY.

OH, EXCELLENT!

BEST WEEK'S ALLOWANCE

I EVER SPENT.

- SO, WHAT DO YOU - WANT ME TO DO?

FAN YOU WITH A PALM FROND?

FEED YOU GRAPES?

- CARRY YOU AROUND THE SCHOOL - LIKE AN EMPEROR?

- PLEASE DON'T SAY CARRY YOU - AROUND THE SCHOOL

LIKE AN EMPEROR.

I SIMPLY WANT A DAY OF REST,

A CHANCE TO UNWIND

- WHILE YOU DO EVERYTHING - I WOULD NORMALLY DO MYSELF.

LIKE WHAT?

THERE!

STEAL THAT NERD'S LUNCH.

SLAB, I CAN'T DO THAT.

- OH, WELL, I GUESS - I'LL JUST TAKE BACK

MY $50,000...

HEY, NERD, GIMME YOUR LUNCH!

- OR THE ONLY THING - YOU'LL BE EATING

IS A KNUCKLE SANDWICH.

GOOD.

NOW EAT IT FOR ME.

MORE VORACIOUSLY!

THERE YOU ARE, ECHO.

I'M READY TO BE YOUR SERVANT.

OH, RIGHT, THE AUCTION.

YEAH, THAT'S OKAY.

FORGET ABOUT IT.

I COULDN'T.

ESPECIALLY NOT AFTER YOU PAID

SO HANDSOMELY FOR ME.

IT WAS A DOLLAR.

DON'T REMIND ME.

- TO THINK OF ALL THE THINGS - YOU COULD'VE GOTTEN

WITH THAT DOLLAR...

A HUNDRED PIECES OF PENNY CANDY.

50 NEWSPAPERS!

TWO ROAST BEEF DINNERS!

THERE MUST BE SOMETHING

I CAN DO FOR YOU.

I CAN TEACH YOU

HOW TO PICK UP A DROPPED HANKY,

SO YOU SHOW

JUST A TURN OF AN ANKLE.

[JOINTS CRUNCHING]

WELL, YOU GET THE IDEA.

[JOINTS CRUNCHING]

YOU KNOW WHAT?

- MAYBE THERE IS SOMETHING - YOU CAN DO FOR ME.

NAME IT.

YOU CAN ACCOMPANY ME

- TO THIS MOVIE - I'VE BEEN WANTING TO SEE.

IT'S RESTRICTED.

THAT'S TERRIBLE!

- PEOPLE SHOULD BE ABLE TO - WATCH A MOVIE TOGETHER,

REGARDLESS OF RACE.

HELLO, CLASS.

- TODAY, WE'RE GOING TO BE - STUDYING THE LIFE CYCLE.

BORING!

[SNORING LOUDLY]

GOOD ONE, SERVANT.

[CHUCKLES]

"BORING."

MR. TATER!

- WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO SEND YOU - TO THE PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE?

YES, I WOULD LOVE TO GO

TO MY OFFICE.

HEY, BESTIE,

I NEED YOUR ADVICE.

- WHICH OF THESE NEW SHOES - SHOULD I KEEP

AND WHICH SHOULD I RETURN?

OH, KEEP THE RED ONES.

I THINK THEY'RE DARLING.

- GOOD! THEN - YOU CAN WEAR THEM.

BREAK THEM IN FOR ME.

KISSES!

I WONDER IF SHE'LL BELIEVE

- THEY ACCIDENTALLY - FELL OUT THE WINDOW.

SERPENTINE.

STRAIGHT!

SERPENTINE, STRAIGHT...

WOW...

- "ALIEN ABDUCTION" - SURE WAS SCARY.

YOU'RE TELLING ME.

I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT'S HAPPENING

RIGHT HERE ON OUR PLANET.

IT WAS A MOVIE.

YES.

A CHILLING DOCUMENTARY.

HOW MANY MORE HUMANS

DO YOU THINK

THOSE SLIMY ALIENS WILL CULL

BEFORE THEY TRAVEL BACK

TO THEIR OWN PLANET?

- MRS. BYRNE, - WE'RE NOT IN ANY DANGER.

THAT'S RIGHT.

YOU AND I ARE PERFECTLY SAFE...

HERE IN MY BUNKER.

[DOOR THUDS HEAVILY]

THIS PLACE KEPT ME SECURE

THROUGH 17 WARS

AND TWO CRUSADES.

OKAY, NOW I TEACH MOVE TO USE

WHEN YOU WANT TO TAKE OUT TRASH!

AWESOMESOME.

DERBY'S LEARNING HOW TO

TAKE OUT THE TRASH.

TRICK IS

TO DO IN SINGLE, FLUID MOTION.

BEND, GRAB, LIFT, AND FLIP.

HI-YAH!

OKAY.

HI-YAH!

WHOA!

HEY!

I JUST PUT HIM IN THERE!

YOU KNOW, THESE SHOES

ARE HARD TO WALK IN,

BUT THEY MAKE MY LEGS

LOOK AMAZING!

- HMM, I THINK I'LL HAVE - THE CHEESE ENCHILADAS.

- HOW CAN YOU EAT - STUFF LIKE THAT

AND STILL STAY SO SKINNY?

I HATE YOU!

- WOW, YOU'RE GETTING - GOOD AT THIS.

I REALLY BELIEVED YOU HATE ME.

- YEAH, FOR SOME REASON, - THAT ONE CAME EASY FOR ME.

ANYWAY,

ONE OF THE THINGS

- BETHANY AND I - LOVE TO DO TOGETHER IS,

SHE'S INTERESTED IN A GUY,

AND I STEAL HIM AWAY FROM HER.

BETHANY LOVES TO DO THAT?

SHE MUST.

WE DO IT ALL THE TIME.

ANYWAY, THERE'S HUTCH.

GO FLIRT WITH HIM.

I CAN'T FLIRT WITH HUTCH!

YOU HAVE TO, SERVANT.

SCHOOL RULES.

NOW, GOOD LUCK, GIRLFRIEND.

WHOA.

I GOT YOU.

WOW...

YOU'RE STRONG!

[♪♪♪]

MRS. BYRNE,

I NEED THE KEY.

OKAY.

THE KEY...

TO SURVIVAL

- IS STAYING LOCKED UP - IN THIS ROOM

SO THE ALIENS WON'T GET US.

I MEANT THE KEY TO THE DOOR.

OH, THAT KEY.

THAT KEY IS HIDDEN IN A PLACE

ONLY I WILL REMEMBER.

OH, I FORGOT.

OH, WELL,

- WE HAVE PLENTY - OF CANNED FOOD,

AND SOON,

PLENTY OF TINY, TIN TOILETS.

GREAT. NO SIGNAL.

- YOU DON'T NEED - THAT TRANSISTOR RADIO

TO BE ENTERTAINED.

- WE CAN READ THIS BOOK - I'VE BEEN DYING TO GET TO.

"THE WAR OF 1812."

I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE

WHAT THIS IS ABOUT.

HI-YAH! HI-YAH!

VERY GOOD,

YOUNG DISCIPLE.

YOU HAVE LEARNED

ALL THAT I CAN TEACH YOU.

I HAVE, SENSEI?

YES.

YOU CAN NOW FACE

ANY CHALLENGE ON YOUR OWN.

I CAN, CAN'T I?

HEY, SLAB!

I'VE HAD IT.

- AFTER YEARS OF PICKING ON ME, - IT'S PAYBACK TIME.

[LAUGHS]

ARE YOU CHALLENGING ME

TO A FIGHT?

NO, I'M INFORMING YOU

- THAT WHEN YOU WAKE UP - IN A HOSPITAL LATER

WITH NO MEMORY OF WHAT HAPPENED,

IT WAS ME WHO PUT YOU THERE.

WELL, WE'LL SEE ABOUT THAT.

- [WHISTLES] - TATER!

GET IN HERE!

HEY, WHAT'S UP?

- I WAS JUST ABOUT TO GO - TO BALLET CLASS FOR YOU.

FORGET THAT.

I NEED YOU

TO KICK DERBY'S BUTT.

OH, I CAN'T DO THAT.

YOU'RE DARN RIGHT YOU CAN'T.

NO, I MEAN,

I CAN'T FIGHT A STUDENT.

- I NEED TO DRAW THE LINE - SOMEWHERE.

[BANGING FROM INSIDE LOCKER]

[SLAM]

QUIET, NERD, I'M TALKING!

[SIGHS]

- WELL, I GUESS - YOU'RE GOING UP ON THE ROOF

AND FIXING THAT HOLE YOURSELF.

SAY GOODBYE TO THE $50,000.

CAN I?

- WOULD YOU LET ME HOLD IT - ONE LAST TIME?

- MAYBE GIVE IT - A FEW LITTLE KISSES?

NO!

WELL, I GUESS I HAVE TO DO

EVERYTHING AROUND HERE MYSELF.

GOOD. BRING IT.

YOU PRETTY CONFIDENT.

- WHERE YOU LEARN - HOW TO FIGHT?

FROM YOU!

YOU'VE BEEN TRAINING ME ALL DAY.

TO CLEAN.

WHAT ARE YOU

TALKING ABOUT?

YOU SAY, "TEACH ME

EVERYTHING YOU KNOW."

ABOUT FIGHTING!

OH...

YOU NOT VERY CLEAR.

GOOD NEWS IS,

NOW THAT I HAVE TRAINED YOU

IN ANCIENT WAYS...

ONCE AGAIN, OF CLEANING...

YOU CAN MOP UP OWN BLOOD!

- LOOK, TATER'S TRYING TO STEAL - YOUR $50,000!

WHAT?

[SNORING]

YES, ONE BAR!

[RINGING]

- -HELLO? - -ADAM!

IT'S ECHO!

- I NEED YOU - TO DO SOMETHING FOR ME!

- OF COURSE, - I'LL DO ANYTHING FOR YOU.

AFTER ALL, I AM YOUR SERVANT.

OH, WAIT.

BUH-BYE.

- NO, DON'T HANG UP! - DON'T...

[CANS CLATTERING]

A BOOK!

"THE WAR OF 1812."

SOUNDS INTERESTING.

WHERE WERE WE?

- I WAS JUST SAYING - HOW MUCH FUN I'M HAVING.

- I MEAN, YOU'RE SO EASY - TO TALK TO.

- NOT A LOT OF GUYS - ARE COMFORTABLE

FLYING A KITE WITH ANOTHER DUDE.

HEY, HUTCH.

- I WAS WONDERING IF YOU WANTED TO - DO SOMETHING WITH ME.

YEAH, I'M KIND OF

WITH SOMEONE RIGHT NOW.

I KNOW,

- BUT WOULDN'T YOU RATHER - BE WITH ME?

LOOK, IVY,

YOU'RE A GREAT GIRL, BUT...

WE'RE HAVING A PICNIC.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- I'M SUPPOSED TO STEAL HUTCH - AWAY FROM YOU!

HEY, DON'T BLAME ME

IF YOU DON'T HAVE THE GOODS.

ARE YOU STEALING MY MAN?

- LAST TIME I CHECKED, - HE WASN'T YOURS TO STEAL.

THAT'S IT.

SOMEONE HOLD MY EARRINGS.

YEAH, AND SOMEONE HOLD

MY CALCULATOR.

[BLOWS THUD]

WHAT IS GOING ON?

OH, HEY, BETHANY.

ANYWAY, YOU LOOK AWESOME.

- DID YOU DO SOMETHING - TO YOUR...

HAIR?

[BOTH SHRIEKING]: OW! OW!

OW, QUIT IT!

YOU QUIT IT!

I THOUGHT I SMELLED CHICKEN...

FROM MY HOUSE.

OH, NO.

[THUD]

OH, YEAH.

- [GRUNTING IN PAIN, - BLOWS THUDDING]

I DON'T HEAR ANYTHING.

THE ALIENS MUST HAVE

ABDUCTED EVERYONE

- AND RETURNED - TO THEIR HOME PLANET.

I'M AFRAID YOU AND I

- ARE THE LAST - HUMAN BEINGS ON EARTH.

YEAH, I'M SURE THAT

THAT'S IT,

- AND NOT THAT - IT'S 9:00 AT NIGHT

AND EVERYBODY

WENT HOME!

WE NEED TO GO OUT THERE

AND REBUILD A NEW SOCIETY.

YES, WE NEED TO GO OUT THERE!

DO YOU REMEMBER

WHERE THE KEY IS?

NO, I WISH I DID.

WE'LL HAVE TO USE THE SPARE.

I CAN'T BELIEVE

EVERY OTHER HUMAN BEING

- HAS BEEN ABDUCTED - BY ALIENS,

NEVER TO BE RETURNED!

[CRUMBLING]

OH, LOOK.

THEY REJECTED THIS ONE

FOR BEING SUBSTANDARD.

AH...

OH, GREAT.

- NOW THERE'S ANOTHER MESS - TO CLEAN UP.

YOU CALLED?

AH!

HI-YAH!

[♪♪♪]