Original subtitles

[♪♪♪]

OH, I'M SO EXCITED!

- THEY'RE ABOUT TO - ANNOUNCE THE NOMINEES,

- AND IT'S STREAMING LIVE - FROM SWEDEN!

- THE MISS BIKINI - CONTEST?

OUT OF MY WAY!

UGH!

- NOT A VERY ATTRACTIVE GROUP - THIS YEAR.

- IT'S NOT - THE MISS BIKINI CONTEST.

- IT'S THE NOBEL PRIZE - FOR PHYSICS.

- OH, THEN - IT ACTUALLY IS

- A PRETTY ATTRACTIVE - GROUP THIS YEAR.

SHH!

..FOR PHYSICS,

DR. THOMAS GALLIFREY

FOR HIS JUST PUBLISHED WORK

- ON THE USE - OF ENTANGLED PHOTON PAIRS

IN QUANTUM TELEPORTATION.

- YOU'VE GOT - TO BE KIDDING ME.

SERIOUSLY.

- DID THEY NOT EVEN - CONSIDER

ASTRONOMER MIKE HAWKINS'S

DISCOVERY

THAT QUASARS

DON'T SHOW TIME DILATION?

I MEAN, THAT'S MY RESEARCH.

- I SENT IT TO - THE PHYSICS DEPARTMENT

- AT THE UNIVERSITY - WHERE GALLIFREY WORKS

FOR REVIEW

AND NEVER HEARD BACK.

- WHO CARES ABOUT - SOME LAME AWARD?

LAME AWARD?

THE NOBEL PRIZE FOR PHYSICS

- IS THE WORLD'S MOST PRESTIGIOUS - SCIENCE AWARD.

- YOU GET A MEDAL ENGRAVED WITH - THE PROFILE OF ALFRED NOBEL,

A MILLION DOLLARS CASH,

- AND A HANDSHAKE - FROM CARL THE XVith GUSTAF,

THE KING OF SWEDEN!

YOU GET WHAT?

- A HANDSHAKE FROM - CARL THE XVith GUSTAF,

THE KING OF SWEDEN!

NO, THE OTHER THING!

- A MEDAL ENGRAVED WITH - THE PROFILE...

NO, THE OTHER, OTHER THING!

A MILLION DOLLARS CASH?

YES!

- WE HAVE TO STOP THIS GALLIFREY - AND GET WHAT'S RIGHTFULLY OURS.

YOU MEAN MINE.

SORRY.

SLIP OF THE TONGUE.

- NOW, LET'S GO GET - MY MONEY!

[♪♪♪]

♪ GOODBYE, SUMMER

HELLO, FALL ♪

♪ WE'VE BEEN TRYING

TO GET HERE ♪

♪ SINCE WE BOTH

WERE BARELY TWO FEET TALL ♪

♪ WHO YOU CALLING KID?

WHO YOU CALLING KID? ♪

♪ WHO YOU CALLING KID? ♪

♪ CAN CALL ME WHAT YOU WANT ♪

♪ BUT I WON'T HEAR A WORD ♪

♪ WHERE I AM HERE ♪

♪ WHO YOU CALLING KID? ♪

[♪♪♪]

- OKAY, HERE'S HOW - WE'RE GOING TO PLAY THIS.

YOU'RE GOOD COP.

MAKE HIM FEEL AT EASE,

LIKE WE'RE ON HIS SIDE

- AND JUST WANT TO CLEAR UP - A SIMPLE MISUNDERSTANDING.

THEN BAM!

IN COMES BAD COP.

"YOU'D BETTER LET THE CAT

OUT OF THE BAG, SEE?

- YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS TO CATS - THAT AREN'T LET OUT OF BAGS?

THEY DIE!

AND NOT SOME QUICK,

PEACEFUL DEATH.

THE SLOW, PAINFUL SUFFOCATION

THAT ONLY COMES FROM BEING

STUCK IN A BAG!

AND THE WHOLE TIME,

- LITTLE DROPLETS OF SPITTLE - AND BITS OF CLUB SANDWICH

FLY OUT OF

MY COFFEE-STAINED TEETH.

HOW ABOUT WE JUST

TALK TO HIM?

FINE,

- BUT YOU'LL NEVER MAKE DETECTIVE - WITH THAT ATTITUDE.

[KNOCKS]

PROFESSOR?

HE'S NOT HERE.

- WE'LL HAVE TO COME BACK - ANOTHER TIME.

COME BACK?

THIS IS PERFECT.

- WE CAN SNOOP AROUND - FOR EVIDENCE.

THAT'S BREAKING AND ENTERING.

THE DOOR WAS UNLOCKED.

- THAT'S JUST "ENTERING." - WE DIDN'T BREAK ANYTHING...

[SMASH]

OKAY, BUT THAT'S

"ENTERING AND BREAKING,"

- THE OPPOSITE OF - "BREAKING AND ENTERING..."

WHICH MAKES IT LEGAL.

- YOU CARRY AROUND - FINGERPRINT POWDER?

FINGERPRINT POWDER?

THIS IS COCOA MIX.

WITH MARSHMALLOWS.

[BLOWS]

AH-HAH!

- THIS GUY'S CHOCOLATY - FINGERPRINTS

ARE ALL OVER THIS PLACE.

IT'S HIS OFFICE.

WHAT IS THIS?

SOME KIND OF SCANNER?

HE PROBABLY USED IT TO SCAN...

HIS BUTT.

MY PAPER

INTO HIS COMPUTER,

- SO HE COULD REPLACE MY NAME - WITH HIS,

AND CHANGE THE FONT

TO SOMETHING BORING.

I TYPE ALL MY PAPERS

IN WINGDINGS.

- [MAN]: HEY, WATCH - WHERE YOU'RE GOING!

[DOORKNOB RATTLES]

THAT MUST BE GALLIFREY!

HIDE!

SERIOUSLY?

STAY...

SIT.

SHAKE.

NOW SPEAK.

[DOG BARKS]

- [WHISPERING] - HE'S BLIND.

WHAT?

HE'S BLIND.

I CAN'T HEAR YOU.

[BEEPS SCANNER ON]

[COMPUTER VOICE READS]:

"DEAR PROFESSOR GALLIFREY,

- "I WOULD LIKE TO - CONGRATULATE YOU

- "ON YOUR NOBEL PRIZE - NOMINATION.

"YOURS TRULY,

KING CARL THE XVith.

- "P.S. I LOOK FORWARD TO - SHAKING YOUR HAND

IN STOCKHOLM."

- [WHISPERING] - HE'S BLIND.

I KNOW!

[DOG BARKS]

THE DOG IS NOT BLIND.

I KNOW THAT GUY'S DIRTY.

I MEAN,

HE WEARS SUNGLASSES INSIDE!

WHO DOES THAT?

WELL, WE STILL NEED PROOF

HE STOLE MY PAPER,

- AND THERE'S NO WAY WE CAN - SEARCH HIS OFFICE

WITH THAT DOG AROUND.

- BUT, MRS. BYRNE, - IT'S WRONG TO WEAR FUR.

BALDERDASH!

ONE COAT WILL HARDLY PUT A DENT

- IN THE SABERTOOTH TIGER - POPULATION.

I THINK I HAVE AN IDEA.

- COULD YOU BELIEVE - THE WAY THOSE GIRLS

WERE STARING AT US ON THE BUS?

I KNOW.

I FELT LIKE A PIECE OF MEAT.

[BARKING ENTHUSIASTICALLY]

WHAT IS WRONG, AUGIE?

[PANTING DOG-LIKE]

THAT'S BETTER.

GOOD DOG...

[♪♪♪]

[TEARING PAPER]

[BEEPS SCANNER ON]

- [COMPUTER VOICE READS]: - " YOU MAKE A BETTER DOG

THAN A WINDOW."

[LAUGHS]

OH, MARMADUKE,

YOU NEVER FAIL TO AMUSE ME.

WASN'T THAT FUNNY, AUGIE?

[GROWLS NONCOMMITTALLY]

COME HERE, BOY.

LUNCH TIME.

[GROANING AND WHIMPERING]

WHAT'S WRONG, BOY?

- THIS IS YOUR FAVORITE. - NOW, EAT UP.

UGH...

I DON'T HEAR YOU

LAPPING IT UP.

- MAYBE I SHOULD - TAKE YOU TO THE VET,

- HAVE HIM CHECK YOUR BUM-BUM - FOR ROUNDWORMS.

GOOD BOY.

YOU ARE SO CUTE!

REALLY?

- I FEEL EXACTLY THE SAME WAY - ABOUT...

YES, YOU ARE!

THIS... LITTLE FELLA.

- I'M LOOKING AFTER AUGIE - FOR A FRIEND.

EVERYBODY LOVES THIS DOG.

- [PRINCIPAL TATER]: - THERE BETTER NOT BE A DOG

IN THIS SCHOOL!

- [TATER APPROACHES, SNEEZING] - UH-OH.

QUICK, IN MY LOCKER!

NOT YOU!

[SNEEZING]

YOU HAVE A COLD, MR. TATER?

NO, IT'S ALLERGIES.

- I'M SEVERELY - ALLERGIC TO DOGS...

[SNEEZES]

AND FIGGY PUDDING.

IF SOMEONE HAS EITHER A DOG

OR FIGGY PUDDING IN THIS SCHOOL,

- THERE WILL BE - HECK TO PAY.

HECK!

[SNEEZES]

[DOG GROANS]

WHAT WAS THAT?

THAT WAS...

MY STOMACH GROWLING.

I AM STARVING.

- MAYBE I'LL JUST - GO TO THE CAFETERIA

FOR A CLUB SANDWICH.

NICE TRY,

- BUT DO YOU - REALLY THINK

- WE CAN AFFORD - TO SERVE SANDWICHES

WITH THREE SLICES OF BREAD?

[SNEEZES]

[SNEEZING VIOLENTLY]

OKAY, LET'S GET AUGIE.

WOW, HERE'S A FIRST.

A DOG ACTUALLY ATE MY HOMEWORK.

YOUR SCIENCE HOMEWORK?

[HASTILY] YES.

WHAT AM I GOING TO DO

WITH THIS GUY?

- WELL, I'D LOVE TO HELP, - BUT I HAVE A HISTORY CLASS.

WHO HAS HEARD OF

THE WAR OF 1812?

DURING THE WAR OF 1812,

WHAT WERE CONDITIONS LIKE

FOR THE BRITISH SOLDIERS?

YOU.

[WHIMPERS]

OH, NO.

[BARKS]

THAT'S RIGHT.

THEY WERE ROUGH.

- IN FACT, DURING THE LONG, - COLD WINTER,

SOME WERE EVEN FORCED TO EAT...

[BARKS]

VERY GOOD.

BARK, RIGHT OFF THE TREES.

- YOU ARE ONE OF - MY BRIGHTEST STUDENTS.

GOOD THING, TOO, BECAUSE...

NOT MUCH TO LOOK AT.

[AUGIE GROWLS]

[SNATCH, ECHO GASPS]

HEY!

- HEY, COME BACK HERE - WITH MY WIG, YOUNG MAN!

WAIT!

THE WAR OF 1812,

HOW R... ROUGH WAS IT?

[GROWLING]

- COME BACK HERE - WITH MY WIG!

OH, NO.

OOF!

HEY!

[SNEEZING]

- THERE'S A DOG - IN THIS SCHOOL...

[SNEEZES]

AND I'M GOING TO FIND...

[SNEEZES]

IT.

- BUT I NEED YOU TO - DISCIPLINE THE STUDENT

WHO STOLE MY WIG!

OH, FINE.

[SNEEZES]

WHERE IS HE?

RIGHT OVER THERE.

I'M SORRY, MRS. BYRNE,

- MY EYES ARE ALL - SWOLLEN AND WATERY.

I CAN'T SEE A THING.

[SNEEZING VIOLENTLY]

WHO IS IT?

I DON'T KNOW HIS NAME,

BUT HE'S BIG,

UGLY,

COVERED WITH HAIR...

AND HAS TERRIBLE

BREATH.

SLAB, GIVE MRS. BYRNE

HER WIG BACK.

Y-YEAH, SLAB,

GIVE ME THE WIG!

- AND TAKE - THIS COOKIE INSTEAD.

WHO'S A GOOD BOY?

SLAB IS.

SLAB'S A GOOD BOY.

- HERE'S YOUR WIG, - MRS. BYRNE.

- WOW, ALL THESE YEARS - OF DETENTION,

WHEN ALL HE NEEDED

WAS A COOKIE.

[SNEEZES]

WELL, I'M OFF TO FIND THAT DOG.

AND YOU,

GET YOUR ACT TOGETHER.

YOU HAVE SO MUCH POTENTIAL.

[BARKS]

FORGET THE ROOF,

THE SKY'S THE LIMIT!

COME ON, BOY,

TIME TO GO FOR WALKIES!

RU-ROH.

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

COME ON, DERBY, PICK UP...

- TO LEAVE A MESSAGE - FOR DERBY,

PRESS OR SAY "ONE."

- TO LEAVE A MESSAGE - FOR ANTOINE BOLOGNESE,

PRESS OR SAY "TWO."

ONE.

- YOU HAVE - SELECTED "TWO."

BONJOUR!

YOU HAVE REACHED

ANTOINE BOLOGNESE.

PLEASE LEAVE A MESSAGE

AFTER ZE BEEP.

DERBY, IT'S ME AGAIN.

WHERE ARE YOU?

- WOOF WOOF, - BARK BARK.

NOT GOOD.

[KIDS WHISPERING AND GIGGLING]

OH, KIDS CAN BE

SO CRUEL.

SO I'M BLIND.

- THERE'S NOTHING WEIRD - ABOUT THIS!

HERE, BOY,

- WHY DON'T YOU - RUN AROUND A LITTLE?

GO FETCH!

[PANTING]

[GROWLING]

DERBY!

[GROWLING]

DERBY, HEEL!

HEEL...

GOOD BOY,

GOOD DOG...

HEY!

- WATCH WHERE YOU'RE THROWING - THAT DISCUS!

WHAT'RE YOU, BLIND?

YES!

OKAY, THEN.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

- HAVE YOU FOUND - MY PAPER YET?

DERBY, WHY WON'T YOU

ANSWER ME?

YOU TOLD ME TO HEEL

AND YOU DIDN'T GIVE ME A TREAT.

- I HAVEN'T HAD - A CHANCE TO LOOK.

THE PROFESSOR'S ALWAYS AROUND...

PATTING ME, FEEDING ME,

MAKING ME TRY ON

LITTLE DOGGIE SWEATERS.

ALTHOUGH THE PINK ONE

LOOKS ABSOLUTELY DARLING ON ME.

WELL, HURRY UP.

- TATER'S ALLERGIC - TO DOGS.

I CAN'T HIDE AUGIE HERE FOREVER.

OKAY, OKAY.

[BARKS HAPPILY]

OKAY, BOY, THAT'S ENOUGH FUN.

TIME TO DO YOUR BUSINESS.

[WHINING]

OH, DON'T ARGUE WITH ME.

I DON'T WANT ANY ACCIDENTS,

- SO WE'RE NOT GOING HOME - UNTIL YOU DO YOUR "DOODY."

NOW GO.

[GROANING IN DISGUST]

[AUGIE WHINES]

YOU LEFT AUGIE HERE

ALL NIGHT?

MY MOTHER'S ALLERGIC.

IT'S INCONSIDERATE

- TO BRING A DOG - INTO AN ENVIRONMENT

- WHERE IT WOULD AFFECT - SOMEONE'S HEALTH.

[TATER SNEEZING]

- BESIDES, HE'S SAFE - IN THE SCIENCE LAB.

AUGIE'S NOT HERE.

OH, NO!

I'M SURE I CLOSED THAT DOOR.

HE MUST HAVE GOTTEN LOOSE.

- PLUS, HE DESTROYED - THIS SCIENCE FAIR PROJECT.

WAS IT YOURS?

[QUICKLY] YES.

- AUGIE COULD BE - ANYWHERE IN THE SCHOOL.

WE'LL NEVER FIND HIM.

[TATER SNEEZING]

YES, WE WILL.

WE'VE GOT A HUMAN DOG-DETECTOR.

[SNEEZING VIOLENTLY]

- I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU TWO DON'T - KNOW WHERE THE LIBRARY IS.

FOLLOW ME.

[SNEEZES]

YOU KNOW, ACTUALLY,

- WHAT'S THE POINT - OF WORKING OUT THE MIND

- IF YOU DON'T ALSO - WORK OUT THE BODY?

YOU'RE RIGHT.

- CAN YOU SHOW US WHERE - THE GYM IS INSTEAD?

O... KAY.

[SNEEZING VIOLENTLY]

[SNEEZING UNCONTROLLABLY]

[SIGHS WITH RELIEF]

YOU REALLY DON'T KNOW

WHERE THE GYM IS?

I USUALLY

DO TRACK OUTSIDE,

- AND DOES THIS ONE - LOOK LIKE

HE KNOWS

WHERE TO FIND A GYM?

I MEAN, FEEL THIS THING.

- IT'S LIKE ONE OF THOSE - BAGS OF ICING BAKERS USE.

[LAUGHING]

YOU KNOW,

I JUST REALIZED

I'M NOT WEARING

MY GYM SHOES.

- CAN YOU SHOW ME - WHERE MY LOCKER IS AGAIN?

YOU KIDS AND YOUR SHORT

ATTENTION SPANS.

- YOU KNOW WHEN I WAS - YOUR AGE, I...

OOH, LOOK!

- THE SHINY OBJECTS - APPRECIATION CLUB

IS HAVING A MEETING.

[SNEEZING VIOLENTLY]

- Y-YOU KNOW WHAT, - I'M GOING TO SKIP THE GYM.

- ALL THIS WALKING - HAS TIRED ME OUT.

[SNEEZING]

I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS.

I HAVE TO GO FIND THAT DOG.

[SNEEZING UNCONTROLLABLY]

- OKAY, AUGIE - MUST BE IN HERE.

IT'S LOCKED.

THIS IS CRAZY.

YOU'RE NOT KIDDING.

- THIS MUTT WENT ALL IN - WITH A PAIR OF THREES.

I'M GOING TO CHECK ON...

MY FRIEND.

WOULD YOU WATCH

AUGIE FOR ME?

DEAL ME IN, BOYS.

AND GIRL.

[WHISPERING] DERBY!

[WHIMPERING DREAMILY]

DERBY!

[WHIMPERING]

WAKE UP.

[GROWLING AND GRUMBLING]

[MEOWS LIKE A CAT]

WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING?

[SHUDDERING]

WELL, I WAS DREAMING.

THANKS FOR WAKING ME UP

RIGHT BEFORE

I CAUGHT UP TO THE CAR.

- I MEAN, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE - LOOKING FOR PROOF

- PROFESSOR GALLIFREY - STOLE MY PAPER.

OH, HE WENT OUT.

[SADLY] SOMETIMES, HE JUST

TAKES THE CANE.

THEN THIS WOULD BE

THE PERFECT OPPORTUNITY

- TO SNIFF AROUND - AND FINALLY END THIS MADNESS.

NOW'S NOT

A GOOD TIME.

- HE COULD BE BACK - ANY MINUTE.

YOU KNOW, I THINK HE HAS

A CONFERENCE IN APRIL.

- YOU DON'T WANT IT TO END, - DO YOU?

NO, I LOVE BEING A DOG!

WE PLAY BALL,

HE SCRATCHES MY BELLY,

PLUS, I GET A LOT OF NAPPING IN.

AND THE FOOD?

YOU GET USED TO IT.

AND LOOK HOW SHINY

MY COAT HAS GOTTEN.

SORRY, BUT I'M AFRAID

YOUR DOG DAYS ARE OVER.

I'VE COME UP WITH A PLAN

TO SMOKE OUT GALLIFREY

- AND GET HIM TO SHOW US - WHERE HE'S HIDING THE EVIDENCE.

[BEEPS ON SCANNER]

- [COMPUTER VOICE READS]: - WE KNOW WHAT YOU DID.

- THAT'S PRETTY GOOD, - BUT IT NEEDS ONE MORE THING.

- [GALLIFREY]: YOU'RE LOOKING - LOVELY TODAY, JUDITH!

[LAUGHS PLEASANTLY]

HE'S COMING!

HIDE!

- OKAY, I GUESS WE DON'T - HAVE TO ACTUALLY HIDE.

AUGIE!

I'M HOME!

[BARKING EXCITEDLY]

- OOF! - YES, YES, HELLO.

DADDY MISSED YOU, TOO!

- [WHISPERING] - HERE IT COMES.

[BEEPING SCANNER ON]

- [COMPUTER VOICE READS]: - WE KNOW WHAT YOU DID.

DUN-DUN-DUN.

NICE TOUCH.

OH, NO.

HE'S ONTO ME.

HOW COULD HE POSSIBLY KNOW

I STOLE HIS PAPER?

I KEEP ALL THE EVIDENCE

IN THE SAFE.

THIS IS IT.

[BEEPING SECURITY CODE]

AH-HAH!

WAIT...

WHAT IS THIS?

ALL RIGHT, YOU'VE CAUGHT ME.

YES, I STEAL

MY NEIGHBOR'S NEWSPAPER,

BUT I JUST TEAR OUT MARMADUKE

AND PUT THE REST BACK.

- I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO - PAY FOR THE PAPER.

I'M BLIND!

I'M NOT YOUR NEIGHBOR,

AND I DON'T CARE

ABOUT MARMADUKE!

- [GUFFAWING] - HE'S DRIVING THE CAR...

[ALL LAUGHING]

YOU STOLE MY RESEARCH PAPER

ON ENTANGLED PHOTON PAIRS!

OH, YOU MUST BE ADAM YOUNG!

YEAH, THE ADAM YOUNG

WHO SHOULD BE HEADED TO SWEDEN

- FOR THE WORLD'S MOST PRESTIGIOUS - AWARDS CEREMONY.

OOH, GOODY!

- IS IT TIME FOR THE MISS BIKINI - CONTEST ALREADY?

I'M TALKING ABOUT

THE NOBEL PRIZE.

BESIDES, BIKINIS?

YOU'RE BLIND.

WE PREFER THE TERM

"VISUALLY IMPAIRED."

I GOT YOUR PAPER,

BUT I NEVER READ IT.

I KNEW FROM YOUR EMAIL

- THAT IT WAS ON A SIMILAR TOPIC - TO MY RESEARCH,

AND I DIDN'T WANT IT

TO INFLUENCE MY WORK.

IT'S STILL SEALED, SEE?

HUH.

I GUESS I OWE YOU AN APOLOGY.

IT'S JUST THAT

MY RESEARCH ISN'T JUST

SIMILAR TO YOURS,

IT'S EXACTLY THE SAME.

EXCEPT MINE'S IN WINGDINGS.

- WELL, I'D LOVE TO - COLLABORATE WITH YOU

AND DO SOME FURTHER RESEARCH.

ME? WORK WITH

A NOBEL PRIZE NOMINEE?

LET ME THINK ABOUT IT...

YES!

- ALL RIGHT, WELL, - I'VE GOT YOUR EMAIL.

WE'LL TALK.

TAKE CARE.

- IT'S BEEN REALLY NICE - GETTING TO KNOW YOU.

LIKEWISE.

I WAS TALKING TO

THE OTHER KID.

YOU KNEW?

OF COURSE.

I'M BLIND, I'M NOT STUPID.

WE PREFER THE TERM

"INTELLECTUALLY IMPAIRED."

- NOW, I'VE GOT TO GO - TO THE BATHROOM.

ADAM, BRING A BAG.

- WOW, WE REALLY TOOK - THAT POMERANIAN

TO THE CLEANERS.

[SNEEZING]

- I KNOW THAT DOG - IS AROUND HERE SOMEWHERE.

OH, NO!

- OH, AUGIE, I'M SO GLAD - YOU'RE MY BOYFRIEND.

KISS ME.

M'WAH, M'WAH, M'WAH!

YOUNG LOVE...

[SNEEZING VIOLENTLY]

M'WAH!

OH, AUGIE,

YOU'RE SUCH A GOOD KISSER.

M'WAH! M'WAH! M'WAH!

OKAY, NEW PLAN...

[PANTING]

[♪♪♪]