Original subtitles

[♪♪♪]

MR. YOUNG...

ARE YOU BUSY

AFTER SCHOOL TODAY?

NO. WHY?

BECAUSE YOU'RE BUSY

AFTER SCHOOL TODAY.

EVERY FACULTY MEMBER

HAS TO ADVISE A CLUB OR TEAM,

AND LET'S FACE IT...

- [LAUGHING] - YOU'RE NOT ADVISING A TEAM...

- SO, WHAT KIND OF CLUBS - DO YOU HAVE FOR ME?

DRAMA.

OR?

DRAMA.

SO, I DON'T GET A CHOICE?

NO.

- I DECIDED TO ASSIGN YOU - THE SCHOOL PLAY

AFTER GIVING THE MATTER

- A GREAT DEAL - OF CONSIDERATION...

SHOULDN'T THE SCHOOL PLAY

- BE SUPERVISED BY - THE DRAMA TEACHER?

YES, BUT AFTER BUDGET CUTBACKS,

- WE ONLY HAVE HER FOR 45 MINUTES - ONCE EVERY 18 DAYS...

AND SHE'S USUALLY LATE.

HIPPIE...

OKAY, BUT WAIT.

- THERE'S A SCIENCE CLUB, - RIGHT?

WHO'S THE ADVISOR FOR THAT?

GET THESE LEECHES OFF OF ME!

THEY'RE GOOD FOR YOU!

WE ALL NEED A GOOD BLOODLETTING

NOW AND THEN!

WHY IS SHE RUNNING

THE SCIENCE CLUB?

COME BACK HERE, BOY,

- SO I CAN DRILL A HOLE - IN YOUR SKULL

AND RELEASE THE DEMON!

SHE WAS CHOSEN

- AFTER A GREAT DEAL - OF CONSIDERATION.

[♪♪♪]

♪ GOODBYE, SUMMER

HELLO, FALL ♪

♪ WE'VE BEEN TRYING

TO GET HERE ♪

♪ SINCE WE BOTH

WERE BARELY TWO FEET TALL ♪

♪ WHO YOU CALLIN' KID?

WHO YOU CALLIN' KID ♪

♪ WHO YOU CALLIN' KID? ♪

♪ COULD CALL ME WHAT YOU WANT ♪

♪ BUT I WON'T HEAR A WORD WHERE

I AM HID ♪

♪ WHO YOU CALLIN' KID? ♪♪

- [DEADPAN] - "AND ALL OUR DAYS

"OF LIGHTED POOLS.

"THE WAY TO DUSTY DEATH.

OUT, OUT, BRIEF CANDLE."

THAT WAS GOOD.

- I REALLY BELIEVED YOU WANTED - THAT BRIEF CANDLE OUT.

WE'LL LET YOU KNOW.

WHEN?

YOU DIDN'T GET THE PART.

- MAN, YOU SHOULD SEE - SOME OF THESE PEOPLE.

WHO, FORTRAN?

YEAH, I SAW HIM IN "LES MIZ."

HIS JEAN VALJEAN

WAS PEDESTRIAN AT BEST.

- I'M STARTING TO REGRET - CHOOSING "MACBETH."

- IS IT TOO TOUGH - FOR HIGH SCHOOL STUDENTS?

NOT AT ALL.

YOU JUST SIT BACK AND RELAX,

- 'CAUSE YOU'RE ABOUT TO BE - TRANSPORTED

TO ANOTHER PLACE

AND TIME.

YOU'RE INTO DRAMA?

YOU MAY NOT KNOW THIS ABOUT ME,

BUT I HAVE THE GRACE OF AN ANGEL

AND THE SOUL OF A POET,

AND THE FEET OF A DUCK.

MY PARENTS WERE UPSET AT FIRST,

BUT I'M AN EXCELLENT SWIMMER.

DERBY...

OKAY, THE TRUTH IS,

I NEED A NEW EXTRA-CURRICULAR.

- IF I FALL ASLEEP - IN SCIENCE CLUB AGAIN,

I'LL WAKE UP WITH

A HOLE IN MY HEAD,

AND I NEED A HOLE IN THE HEAD

LIKE I NEED A...

HOLE IN THE HEAD?

WHAT? NO!

WHY WOULD ANYONE

NEED A HOLE IN THEIR HEAD?

LET'S SEE WHAT YOU GOT.

- "COME TO MY WOMAN'S BREASTS, AND - TAKE MY MILK FOR GALL,

YOU MURDERING MINISTERS..."

DERBY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

LADY MACBETH.

SHE'S THE BEST CHARACTER.

SHE'S ALSO A LADY.

HER FIRST NAME IS "LADY."

WHEN IT COMES TO SHAKESPEARE,

I'M A TRADITIONALIST,

- AND IN SHAKESPEARE'S TIME, - THE CHICKS WERE PLAYED BY DUDES,

LIKE IN VEGAS.

"OUT, DAMNED SPOT!

"OUT, I SAY!

"HELL IS MURKY.

"FIE, MY LORD, FIE!

"WHAT NEED WE FEAR WHO KNOWS IT,

"WHEN NONE CAN CALL

OUR POWER TO ACCOUNT?

"YET WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT

THE OLD MAN TO HAVE HAD

SO MUCH BLOOD IN HIM."

AND... SCENE!

WOW.

DERBY...

I-I HAVE CHILLS.

- I CANNOT IMAGINE GIVING - THIS PART TO ANYONE BUT...

IS THIS WHERE

WE AUDITION?

- ECHO, CONGRATULATIONS, - YOU'RE OUR LADY MACBETH!

- WE'VE ALL EXPERIENCED - THE TERRIBLE SERVICE

PROVIDED BY THE PONY EXPRESS,

BUT...

THANKS TO SCIENCE,

- WE NOW HAVE A NEW WAY - OF SENDING LETTERS.

EMAIL?

WHO SAID "EMU"?

YOU'RE CLOSE!

I'M TALKING ABOUT

CARRIER PIGEONS!

HERE'S A LETTER I WROTE

TO MY GREAT AUNT FANNY

IN CONSTANTINOPLE.

- DERBY, REACH IN - AND GRAB YOURSELF A PIGEON.

WHY IS IT ALWAYS DERBY?

RELAX, THEY WON'T BITE.

AH! AH! AH!

THEY WILL, HOWEVER,

GOUGE YOU

WITH THEIR RAZOR-SHARP TALONS.

AH! OW! OW!

OH! OW!

- HARD TO BELIEVE - GLOBAL COMMUNICATION

WASN'T ALWAYS

THIS EASY.

- I'LL GO GET - SOMETHING

- TO SWEEP UP - THESE FEATHERS

WHILE THE REST OF YOU MARVEL

- AT THE WONDERS - OF MODERN SCIENCE.

OW! CUT IT OUT!

- I HAVE WEBBED FEET, - I'M ONE OF YOU!

[WHIMPERING]

[♪♪♪]

- I'LL TRY NOT TO KEEP YOU - TOO LATE FOR REHEARSALS.

6:00, MAYBE 7:00.

- OH, MY MOM SAID - I COULD STAY OUT

AS LATE AS I NEED TO.

LIKE I SAID, 10:00,

MAYBE 11:00...

THIRTY.

MR. YOUNG, I READ

A LITTLE OF THIS "MACBETH,"

- AND WE SIMPLY CAN'T - PUT IT ON.

WHAT? WHY?

THE PLAY "MACBETH" IS CURSED.

IT'S BAD LUCK TO EVEN

SAY THE NAME "MACBETH."

THAT'S WHY INSTEAD OF

CALLING MACBETH, "MACBETH,"

PEOPLE CALL MACBETH,

"THE SCOTTISH PLAY."

- BUT YOU JUST - SAID MACBETH,

LIKE, FIVE TIMES.

FINE.

- WE CAN'T PUT IT ON - BECAUSE IT'S TOO VIOLENT,

AND I PRIDE MYSELF

- ON KEEPING THIS SCHOOL - 100% VIOLENCE FREE.

[PIGEON SCREECHING]

MY EYE!

THE PIGEON TOOK MY EYE!

ALL RIGHT,

THE TRUTH IS, IT'S...

- [WHISPERING] - THE WITCHES!

YOU'RE SCARED OF WITCHES?

ME? NO! NO...

BUT SOME OF OUR MORE

FRAGILE STUDENTS MIGHT BE.

SO, NO "MACBETH."

DO, UM,

"ROMEO AND JULIET" INSTEAD.

BUT ECHO IS ALREADY CAST

AS LADY MACBETH.

WELL, NOW SHE'S JULIET.

OOH...

PASSION, ROMANCE...

KISSING!

I CANNOT WAIT TO FIND MY ROMEO!

- I-I REALLY DON'T THINK - ANYONE IN THIS SCHOOL

IS AFRAID OF...

- WITCH! - [SCREAMS]

FOUND MY BROOM.

[CACKLES]

[CACKLING]

- TAKE THE CHILDREN, - THEY'RE TASTIER!

NOW, ROMEO LIVED

IN THE 16th CENTURY,

LONG BEFORE

BRUSHING AND BATHING,

- SO WE CAN ONLY ASSUME - HE WAS HIDEOUSLY UGLY,

AND PROBABLY A LITTLE RIPE.

- WE WANT OUR PRODUCTION - TO BE REALISTIC, DON'T WE?

I GUESS SO.

[SIGHS OFFICIOUSLY]

TOO HANDSOME...

TOO HANDSOME...

TOO HANDSOME.

- WELL, WE HAVE TO - CAST SOMEBODY.

DON'T WORRY, I'M ON IT.

JULIET, MEET YOUR ROMEO.

UM, REALLY?

SURE.

BANDIT'S GOT CHOPS.

- HEY, READY TO BE - IN A PLAY, BANDIT?

AS LONG AS IT'S NOT " CATS."

[LAUGHS]

"DID MY HEART LOVE TILL NOW?

"FORSWEAR IT, SIGHT!

FOR I NE'ER SAW TRUE BEAUTY

TILL THIS NIGHT."

RUFF!

- OH, AND HE'LL BE GREAT - FOR THE KISSING SCENE.

[SLURPING]

HE'S TALENTED,

- BUT I HEAR HE'S - HARD TO WORK WITH.

ALSO, HE'S A PUPPET.

DON'T TELL ME

- YOU STILL HAVEN'T - CAST ROMEO.

SO, HUTCH, ARE YOU

BUSY AFTER SCHOOL TODAY?

NOPE. COMPLETELY AVAILABLE.

NOT SIGNED UP

FOR ANY EXTRACURRICULAR

ACTIVITIES AT ALL.

- WHAT ABOUT - HUTCH ANDERSON?

I HEAR HE'S FREE.

PLUS, HE'S TALL,

HANDSOME,

AND HE'S NOT A PUPPET.

I DON'T THINK SO.

WE'RE LOOKING FOR UGLY,

AND HE'S, LIKE,

- THE COMPLETE, - TOTAL OPPOSITE OF UGLY.

I MEAN...

LOOK AT HIM.

MM...

WELL, IT'S SETTLED.

WE'VE FOUND

OUR ROMEO AND JULIET.

WHAT?

I FEEL THE SAME WAY.

NO, I MEANT "WHAT?"

AS IN, "WHAT IS

'ROMEO AND JULIET?'"

IT'S A PLAY WITH

LOTS OF KISSING.

WHAT?

[HAIRDRYER WHIRRING]

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- MOM LEFT THIS LASAGNA - FOR DINNER

- AND SAID IT NEEDED TO BE - WARMED UP.

WANT SOME?

I CAN ADD SOME SHAVED PARMESAN.

I'M TOO UPSET TO EAT.

- HUTCH AND ECHO - ARE GOING TO SPEND

HOURS AND HOURS TOGETHER,

- REHEARSING - THE KISSING SCENE.

NOT IF WE HAVE

ANYTHING TO DO WITH IT.

- WE'RE GOING TO KEEP - THOSE TWO APART.

WE?

WE'VE NEVER BEEN A "WE" BEFORE.

WELL, WE ARE

ON THE SAME SIDE HERE.

- ARE YOU SUGGESTING - SOME KIND OF...

UNHOLY ALLIANCE?

WHAT?

NO.

- I'M SUGGESTING TWO ORDINARILY - HOSTILE FACTIONS

JOIN FORCES

- IN A SINISTER CONSPIRACY - AGAINST A THIRD PARTY

OUT OF MUTUAL SELF-INTEREST.

MY MISTAKE.

GOOD NEWS.

I GAVE HUTCH A DETENTION.

[SPLUTTERS]

WHAT?

BUT I GOT ECHO DETENTION!

DETENTION?

THAT IS SO UNFAIR.

THOSE AREN'T EVEN MINE!

- THEY CERTAINLY AREN'T, - YOUNG LADY.

THEY BELONG TO THE AQUARIUM,

- AND THEY WANT THEIR ENDANGERED - SEA TURTLE EGGS BACK!

IT SEEMED THE SIMPLEST WAY.

ECHO.

- SINCE WE'RE BOTH - GOING TO BE IN DETENTION,

- WHY DON'T WE - WORK ON THE PLAY?

AWESOME!

I'M FEELING A LITTLE AWKWARD

- ABOUT SOME OF - THE ROMANTIC STUFF.

I HEAR YOU,

BUT, IF YOU

GET NERVOUS,

JUST LOOK INTO MY EYES.

[GIGGLES]

OKAY.

- GREAT, THEY'LL PROBABLY GO - STRAIGHT TO THE KISSING SCENE.

WHICH SCENE?

THERE'S A WITCH SCENE?

[SHRIEKS IN FEAR]

[EGGS SMASH]

OKAY.

- "ROMEO AND JULIET," - THE FAMOUS BALCONY SCENE.

- GREAT, I'LL - HEAD UP THERE NOW.

OH, NO NEED.

- HUTCH IS ALREADY - IN PLACE.

BUT ISN'T JULIET SUPPOSED

TO BE ON THE BALCONY?

YEAH, I-I DID A LITTLE REWRITE.

YOU REWROTE SHAKESPEARE?

JUST A FEW NIPS AND TUCKS.

- IRONED OUT THE ROUGH SPOTS, - NO BIG.

- OKAY, PEOPLE, - LET'S RUN THROUGH IT.

"WHAT'S IN A NAME?

"THAT WHICH WE CALL A ROSE

BY ANY OTHER WORD

WOULD SMELL AS SWEET."

UH, IT SAYS HERE

I'M SUPPOSED TO FALL?

DON'T FORGET THE

"TO YOUR DEATH" PART.

IS THERE GOING TO BE

A MAT OR SOMETHING?

THIS IS SHAKESPEARE.

- THE MAT WASN'T INVENTED - UNTIL 1835,

BY A GUY NAMED...

MATT!

IF ROMEO DIES,

- HE WON'T BE AROUND - FOR THE REST OF THE PLAY.

WOW, I DID NOT THINK OF THAT.

SURE, YOU'LL HAVE

A BRIEF MOURNING PERIOD,

BUT YOU'LL FIND FULFILLMENT

WHEN YOU JOIN A NUNNERY,

- AND SPEND THE REST OF THE PLAY - HELPING THE NEEDY,

AND NEVER TOUCHING ANOTHER MAN,

EVER AGAIN.

ADAM, THIS ISN'T RIGHT.

ROMEO DOESN'T DIE UNTIL

THE TOMB SCENE AT THE END.

- WELL, WAY TO RUIN IT - FOR THE REST OF US.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST

CALL THIS PLAY "ROMEO AND...

SPOILER ALERT"?

TODAY'S SCIENCE CLUB TOPIC

IS THE LIFE CYCLE.

TELL ME,

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN SOMEONE DIES?

PEOPLE BRING A LOT OF

CABBAGE ROLLS TO YOUR HOUSE,

WHICH IS GREAT,

BECAUSE I LOVE CABBAGE ROLLS.

HORSE PUCKY!

WHEN WE DIE, WE GO TO MEET

THE SUN GOD, RA...

BUT IF HE'S GOING TO

CHOOSE YOU AS HIS BRIDE,

YOU NEED TO LOOK YOUR BEST,

AND NOTHING PRESERVES

YOUR YOUTHFUL GLOW

LIKE MUMMIFICATION.

DOES THIS THING

HAVE A FLY?

NOW, BEFORE WE WRAP THE HEAD,

WE NEED TO REMOVE THE BRAIN.

WHAT?

ONE CHUNK AT A TIME,

THROUGH THE NOSE,

WITH THIS HOOK.

[SCREAMS IN PANIC]

WOW.

NO FLY,

BUT CONVENIENTLY

ABSORBENT.

[SCREAMING]

DON'T WORRY, HE WON'T GET FAR.

THE PHARAOH'S GUARDS

ARE EVERYWHERE.

ALL RIGHT,

- ROMEO MADE IT - TO THE FINAL SCENE,

AS YOU CRY-BABIES INSISTED,

BUT NOW JULIET WAKES UP

AND SEES HIS DEAD BODY,

- WHICH HAS STARTED TO ROT - AND EMIT A FOUL STENCH.

EW.

- THAT'S EXACTLY THE ATTITUDE - I WANT YOU TO HAVE

IN THIS SCENE...

"EW!"

AND, GO.

"WHAT'S HERE?

"A CUP CLOSED

IN MY TRUE LOVE'S HAND?

POISON, I SEE,

HATH BEEN HIS TIMELESS END."

GOOD, GOOD.

NOW, TAKE HIS DAGGER...

AND STAB HIM!

STAB HIM?

STAB HIM?

YEAH!

- ROMEO LEFT YOU. - YOU'RE MAD.

BUT HE'S ALREADY DEAD.

YEAH, I'M ALREADY DEAD.

BETTER SAFE THAN SORRY.

AND WE'RE STABBING.

AND WE'RE STABBING...

I'M SUPPOSED TO KISS HIM.

MODERN AUDIENCES

DON'T LIKE KISSING.

THEY COME TO THE THEATRE

FOR STABBING...

THIS IS CRAZY.

WE'RE DOING THE PLAY AS WRITTEN.

AS WRITTEN BY ME?

[EVERYONE]: NO!

"BUT, SOFT!

"WHAT LIGHT THROUGH

YONDER WINDOW BREAKS?

"IT IS THE EAST,

AND JULIET IS THE SUN...

"ARISE, FAIR SUN.

KILL THE ENVIOUS MOON..."

- SURE, IT'S ALL - LOVEY DOVEY NOW,

- BUT WE KNOW - HOW THIS ENDS.

ROMEO DIES,

- AND I THINK - WE CAN SAFELY ASSUME

IT'S THE WORK

OF WITCHES.

- "...ART MORE FAIR - THAN SHE.

"BE NOT HER MAID

SINCE SHE IS ENVIOUS.

- OH, GREAT, THEY'RE - PERFECT TOGETHER.

DON'T WORRY.

- WHEN YOU FAILED - THE UNHOLY ALLIANCE,

- I TOOK MATTERS - INTO MY OWN HANDS.

MEET YOUR NEW

MAKE-UP GIRL.

- HOW IS THAT - GOING TO HELP?

- SOON, HUTCH AND ECHO - ARE GOING TO KISS.

THEN THEY'LL DATE,

MAKE OUT BY THE LOCKERS

IN FRONT OF MY CLASSROOM,

- INVITE ME TO THEIR - DESTINATION WEDDING

IN BERMUDA,

- EVEN THOUGH THEY KNOW - THERE'S NO WAY

I COULD TAKE THE TIME

OFF WORK,

BUT I GUESS I'M EXPECTED

TO GET THEM A GIFT ANYWAY...

- AND THEN - THEY INVITE ME OVER

FOR CHRISTMAS DINNER,

LIKE THEY DO EVERY YEAR,

BECAUSE POOR, SINGLE ADAM

HAS NOWHERE ELSE TO GO,

AND WHO'S THE DESPERATE CAT LADY

THEY'RE TRYING TO

SET ME UP WITH THIS YEAR?

FINAL SCENE.

YOU'RE UP, ROMEO.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

- OH, LOOK, - THERE'S THE GRAVY BOAT

I BOUGHT THEM

FOR THEIR WEDDING.

I KNOW THEY DON'T USE IT

WHEN I'M NOT HERE.

OH, SURE, UNCLE ADAM

WILL BABYSIT OVER NEW YEAR'S,

YEAH, SO YOU TWO CAN HAVE

A ROMANTIC WEEKEND IN CABO,

AND THE WORST PART IS,

I LOVE SPENDING TIME

WITH THOSE KIDS.

SO WELL BEHAVED...

AND BEAUTIFUL.

MAN, THEY MAKE BEAUTIFUL KIDS.

"COME, BITTER CONDUCT,

COME, UNSAVORY GUIDE!

"THOU DESPERATE PILOT,

- "NOW AT ONCE RUN ON - THE DASHING ROCKS

THY SEASICK, WEARY BARK."

[SIGHS]

"HERE'S TO MY LOVE."

[COUGHING]

"O TRUE APOTHECARY!

THY DRUGS ARE QUICK."

[CHOKING BACK TEARS]

- EVEN THOUGH I KNEW - IT WAS COMING,

IT STILL GOT ME.

ROMEO'S DEAD.

HE'S GONE.

HE'LL NEVER STIR AGAIN.

[CROWD MURMURING]

HE'S ALIVE!

YOU CAN'T WRITE THIS STUFF!

- AND AS WE SIT ACROSS - THE BRIDGE TABLE

- IN THE NURSING HOME - WE SHARE,

- SHE CONFESSES THAT SHE HAD - A LITTLE CRUSH ON ME

BACK IN HIGH SCHOOL,

BUT DIDN'T ACT ON IT

- BECAUSE SHE ASSUMED - I HAD NO FEELINGS FOR HER!

- OH, IF ONLY I COULD GO BACK - AND DO THINGS DIFFERENTLY,

BUT NO,

THE PAST IS THE PAST.

[SLAP]

OW!

- WOULD YOU - SNAP OUT OF IT?

I TOLD YOU

I'D TAKE CARE OF IT.

AH, A POX!

A POX ON BOTH MY ELBOWS!

[YELPING IN DISCOMFORT]

ITCHING POWDER?

- I BOUGHT IT - AT THE JOKE SHOP.

ALONG WITH THESE X-RAY SPECS.

[LAUGHS]

AT LEAST YOU'RE SMART.

SORRY, FOLKS.

I GUESS THE SHOW IS OVER.

[CROWD GROANS]

AW, MAN.

RIGHT BEFORE THE KISS!

NO, NO!

THE SHOW MUST GO ON!

[ROARS IN EFFORT]

I LIKE TO BE PREPARED.

- DO YOU HAVE ANY - OTHER COSTUMES ON UNDER THERE?

NOPE.

"WHAT'S HERE?

"A CUP, CLOSED

IN MY TRUE LOVE'S HAND?

POISON, I SEE, HATH BEEN

HIS TIMELESS END."

GIVE MY LOVE TO AUNT FANNY.

I HOPE SHE ENJOYS THESE COOKIES.

- [THUD] - OW!

THAT'S THE WITCH!

I KNEW THERE WAS A WITCH!

THAT'S IT, I'M DONE!

- NO, NO, WE HAVEN'T - KISSED YET!

WELL, FIND SOMEONE ELSE.

- BUT NO ONE CAN PLAY JULIET - BUT YOU!

NONSENSE.

- LIKE YOU SAID, - THE SHOW MUST GO ON.

- WE'LL JUST USE - THE NEXT BEST ACTRESS.

AT YOUR SERVICE!

"WHAT'S HERE?

"A CUP, CLOSED

IN MY TRUE LOVE'S HAND?

POISON, I SEE,

HATH BEEN HIS TIMELESS END."

"I WILL KISS THY LIPS.

HAPLY SOME POISON

YET DOTH HANG ON THEM."

MM-MM, MM-MM, MM-MM!

[FIRMLY]

"I WILL KISS THY LIPS."

AND WE'RE STABBING.

AND WE'RE STABBING...

[SCREAMS]

AND WE'RE STABBING,

AND WE'RE STABBING!

[CROWD MURMURS IN CONFUSION]

YOU JUST CANNOT WRITE

THIS STUFF!

[♪♪♪]

COME ON, COME ON.

COME ON.

[SQUEALS]

TRIP TO ARUBA!

[ORGAN PLAYS A FLOURISH]

YEAH!

WHOO!

WHOO-HOO-HOO!

[FIREWORKS SIZZLE AND POP]

YES! YES!

WHOO!

[MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY]

WHAT AM I DOING?

THE SCHOOL CAN'T AFFORD

A TRIP TO ARUBA,

- ESPECIALLY NOT AFTER SPENDING - ALL THAT MONEY ON THIS WHEEL.

- [CLAPPING] - COME ON...

[♪♪♪]