Original subtitles

[♪♪♪]

- I HAVE A SPECIAL TREAT - FOR YOU TODAY.

ICE CREAM!

[CHEERING]

- YOU JUST HAVE TO MAKE IT - USING SCIENCE.

[GROANING]

IT'S EASY.

- JUST PUT THE CREAM AND THE SUGAR - IN A BAG

AND PUT THAT BAG

INTO THE ICE/SALT MIXTURE.

CAN ANYONE TELL ME WHY?

BECAUSE YOU'RE TOO CHEAP

TO BUY ICE CREAM?

THAT'S EXACTLY RIGHT, ECHO.

- THE SALT LOWERS - THE FREEZING POINT

OF THE ICE,

MAKING IT COLD ENOUGH

TO MAKE

DELICIOUS ICE CREAM.

VANILLA ICE CREAM?

OH, NOTHING AS FANCY

AS VANILLA.

THIS IS PLAIN ICE CREAM.

THAT WAY, YOU CAN TASTE

THE ICE AND THE CREAM.

COME ON,

- LET'S THROW SOME FLAVOUR - INTO THIS THING.

I DON'T THINK

WE'RE READY FOR FLAVOUR.

A LITTLE OF THIS

AND A LITTLE OF THAT...

DERBY, CHEMISTRY

IS A PRECISE SCIENCE.

- YOU CAN'T JUST MIX - A BUNCH OF RANDOM STUFF TOGETHER

AND EXPECT IT TO WORK.

DID IT!

I MADE ICE CREAM.

[KIDS]: OH!

DERBY! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?

I THINK IT'S PRETTY OBVIOUS.

I'VE DISCOVERED I'M A WEREWOLF!

NOW, BACK TO MY ICE CREAM.

- YOU'RE NOT - A WEREWOLF.

YOU MUST HAVE CREATED

- SOME KIND - OF HAIR-GROWTH FORMULA.

THAT'S ANOTHER POSSIBILITY.

♪ GOODBYE, SUMMER

HELLO, FALL ♪

- ♪ WE'VE BEEN TRYING - TO GET HERE ♪

♪ SINCE WE BOTH

WERE BARELY TWO FEET TALL ♪

♪ WHO YOU CALLING "KID"? ♪

♪ WHO YOU CALLING "KID"? ♪

♪ WHO YOU CALLING "KID"? ♪

- ♪ YOU CAN CALL ME - WHAT YOU WANT ♪

♪ BUT I WON'T HEAR A WORD... ♪

♪ WHO YOU CALLING "KID"? ♪♪

IVY?

YOU SIGNED UP TO LEARN

CARDIOPULMONARY RESUSCITATION?

WAIT A MINUTE.

CPR STANDS FOR

CARDIO SOMETHING SOMETHING?

WHAT'D YOU THINK IT STOOD FOR?

CLOSE PERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS.

I WAS HOPING

I'D MEET A CUTE GUY

- TO CUT THIS - CLASS WITH.

[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]

- WHAT DID YOU THINK - THE DUMMIES WERE FOR?

PRACTICE.

- I'VE BEEN MAKING OUT - WITH THIS ONE

FOR, LIKE, 10 MINUTES.

WELL, THIS IS AWKWARD.

ANYWAY...

- WHO WANTS TO - SAVE A LIFE?

OH, ME!

[BOY]: I DO!

- OKAY, THIS - HAS BEEN FUN.

IVY, YOU CAN'T LEAVE.

YOU NEED TO PASS AN ELECTIVE,

- AND THE ONLY OTHER CLASS - WITH SPACE STILL AVAILABLE

IS "MOCK UNITED NATIONS."

OOH, I'M REALLY GOOD

AT MOCKING NATIONS.

HEY, TURKMENISTAN!

- YOU MAY LEAD THE WORLD - IN IODINE RESERVES,

- BUT THE NIGHT LIFE - IN ASHGABAT

LEAVES MUCH TO BE DESIRED!

SERIOUSLY, TRY TO GET

A BOWL OF PLOV AFTER 11:00.

LADIES.

- DERBY, YOU SHOULD - STOP USING THAT STUFF.

IT HASN'T BEEN TESTED.

SURE IT HAS.

I TESTED IT ON MY FACE,

MY CHEST,

MY... OTHER PLACES.

YOU NEED TO DO

PROPER CLINICAL TRIALS.

I'M IN THE MIDDLE

OF A 10-YEAR PROJECT

- ON PLANT GROWTH - ACCELERATION,

- SOMEDAY HOPING TO SOLVE - WORLD HUNGER.

THAT'S SAD,

- BECAUSE IN TWO MINUTES, - I SOLVED WORLD BALDNESS...

A REAL PROBLEM.

TRUST ME, DERBY.

- NOBODY'S GOING - TO BE CRAZY ENOUGH

TO USE THAT JUNK.

[KIDS CLAMORING]

ALL RIGHT,

TAKE IT EASY, EVERYONE.

THERE'S PLENTY OF HAIR

TO GO AROUND.

[KIDS, AWESTRUCK]: WHOO!

[KIDS]: AHH!

DERBY!

I HEARD ABOUT YOUR LITTLE

"SCIENCE EXPERIMENT."

[QUIETLY] I LOVE YOU.

OKAY...

- WHILE YOU'RE WAITING - FOR AN EMERGENCY RESPONDER

TO ARRIVE,

- IT'S UP TO YOU - TO TREAT THE VICTIM.

IF THEY'RE IN

RESPIRATORY DISTRESS,

FIRST MAKE SURE

- YOU DIDN'T JUST TAKE - THEIR BREATH AWAY

AT THE SIGHT OF YOUR GLORIOUS,

GOLDEN MANE.

THEN, TILT THE HEAD BACK

- TO CHECK - FOR ANY AIRWAY OBSTRUCTIONS

SUCH AS FOOD

OR A SWALLOWED TONGUE.

THIS GUY EATS PEOPLE'S TONGUES?

DO WE REALLY WANT TO SAVE

THE LIFE OF A CANNIBAL?

AFTER YOU CHECK FOR A PULSE,

- BEGIN PERFORMING - CHEST COMPRESSIONS,

USING BOTH YOUR BRUSH HAND

AND YOUR BLOW DRYER HAND.

BEGIN PUSHING DOWN RAPIDLY

ABOUT TWO TIMES PER SECOND,

- MAKING SURE TO KEEP - YOUR FLOWING, YOUTHFUL HAIR

OUT OF THE WAY.

[DUMMY "DINGS"]

YOU DID IT, MR. TATER.

YOU SAVED HIS LIFE.

YOUR TURN.

WHO'D LIKE TO GO FIRST?

I WILL.

NOW, KEEP IN MIND,

THIS IS A COMPLEX PROCEDURE

I SPENT YEARS MASTERING.

DON'T EXPECT TO...

[DING]

DONE!

NO ONE LIKES A SHOWOFF.

- IVY, WHY DON'T YOU - GIVE IT A SHOT?

FIRST, CHECK THE AIRWAY

FOR ANY OBSTRUCTIONS.

ALL CLEAR.

- NOW, HOLD THIS - WHILE I SAVE HIS LIFE.

THE BELOVED AND

HIGHLY SOUGHT-AFTER RUTABAGA.

NORMALLY,

IT TAKES A HUNDRED DAYS

TO GROW THIS WAXY GEM.

- BUT I HOPE - TO GET THAT DOWN

TO A MERE THREE MONTHS.

DERBY, YOU'RE LATE.

[BELL RINGS]

VERY LATE.

MR. TATER TOOK ME TO LUNCH

- IN THE SECRET - TEACHERS' CAFETERIA.

THERE'S A SECRET

TEACHERS' CAFETERIA?

WHY DON'T I KNOW ABOUT IT?

- TATER DOESN'T THINK - YOU'LL LAST A YEAR,

- SO HE DOESN'T WANT - TO WASTE ANY CAVIAR ON YOU.

EXCUSE ME,

IS THIS WHERE I CAN FIND

THE 14-YEAR-OLD GENIUS?

WELL, I DON'T LIKE

TO REFER TO MYSELF

AS A GENIUS...

[CHUCKLES]

ALTHOUGH HUMILITY MAGAZINE

HAD NO TROUBLE.

- TO WHOM SHOULD I - MAKE THIS OUT?

- THE NAME'S - PRESTON PICKLES.

- BUT I'M NOT INTERESTED - IN YOUR BABY PICTURES.

I WANT TO TALK TO

THE HAIR-GROWING GENIUS,

AND I'M GUESSING

- IT'S THAT GUY - ROCKIN' THE FU MANCHU.

YOU'RE...

PRESTON PICKLES.

LIKE I TOLD THAT GUY.

I'M A HUGE FAN

OF YOUR INFOMERCIALS.

WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE?

THE TAN SHAMMY?

HEY, NO...

[GRUNTING IN PROTEST]

THE SPRAY-ON TIE...

THE HOME LIPOSUCKER...

I'M GOOD!

TOO BAD.

I USE HUMAN FAT

TO POWER MY CAR.

PERSONALLY,

I LOVE YOUR POCKET OVEN.

A CLASSIC.

AH, OH! OOH!

CAJUN CHICKEN FRITTER?

AWESOME!

MMM.

BUT NEEDS MUSTARD.

REGULAR OR DIJON?

DIJON, PLEASE.

YOU HAVE MUSTARD

IN YOUR CUFFLINKS?

- THEY'RE CONDIMENT - CUFFLINKS.

DO YOU NOT WATCH TV

AT 3:00 IN THE MORNING?

NO, I SLEEP.

- WHAT A WASTE - OF TIME.

I DO ALL MY SLEEPING

WHILE I'M AWAKE.

HOW DO YOU DO THAT?

- SORRY, I MISSED - YOUR QUESTION.

I WAS ASLEEP.

SO, ARE YOU IN?

IN WHERE?

IN THE MONEY.

WITH YOUR HAIR FORMULA

AND MY MARKETING GENIUS,

- TOGETHER WE'LL - MAKE MILLIONS!

MILLIONS, I TELL YOU!

MILLIONS!

MILLIONS?

MILLIONS...

I TELL YOU,

MILLIONS!

- WHY, YOU'RE GOING - TO BE RICH

BEYOND YOUR

WILDEST DREAMS.

YES, I WOULD LIKE EXTRA CHEESE

ON MY PIZZA.

I'M IN.

- I WANT - TO MAKE MILLIONS!

- MILLIONS, I TELL YOU! - MILLIONS!

GREAT!

SO WE HAVE A DEAL.

DISPOSABLE, GERM-FREE

HAND-SHAKER.

HOW FANTASTIC IS THAT?

ACTUALLY, IT SEEMS

PRETTY WASTEFUL.

NOT THE FAKE HAND,

- THE FACT I'M GOING - TO MAKE MILLIONS!

- MILLIONS, I TELL YOU! - MILLIONS!

- DERBY, IF YOU'RE GOING TO BRING - YOUR HAIR FORMULA TO THE PUBLIC,

YOU NEED TO TEST IT.

MAKE SURE IT'S SAFE.

- I KNOW WHAT THIS - IS ABOUT.

YOU'RE JEALOUS.

JEALOUS? OF WHAT?

THAT THERE'S A NEW

GENIUS IN TOWN.

A RICH GENIUS.

EXTRA-CHEESE RICH.

NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME,

I HAVE A BUSINESS EMPIRE

TO RUN.

THAT'S RIGHT.

I SPENT EXTRA

FOR THE BOW-TIE VERSION.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

- WE'LL SHOOT THE INFOMERCIAL - RIGHT HERE,

WHERE "HAIR TODAY" WAS INVENTED.

- THAT'S WHAT WE'RE CALLING IT, - "HAIR TODAY!"

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

I LOVE IT.

- I LOVE IT, I TELL YOU, - I LOVE IT.

[CHUCKLES]

GET YOUR OWN SCHTICK.

DERBY!

THANK GOODNESS I FOUND YOU.

I NEED MORE HAIR.

- THE STUFF ONLY LASTS - A COUPLE OF DAYS.

OH, I'M SORRY.

DON'T BE SORRY.

BALDIES LIKE THIS

- ARE GOING TO HAVE TO - KEEP SHELLING OUT

FOR MORE HAIR TODAY!

- FORGET WHAT I SAID - ABOUT MILLIONS.

- WE ARE GOING TO - MAKE BILLIONS!

- BILLIONS, I TELL YOU, - BILLIONS!

IS THAT WHAT

YOU WANT? MONEY?

- BECAUSE - I'VE GOT MONEY.

- NOT A LOT OF IT, - MIND YOU,

- BECAUSE I'M - A HIGH SCHOOL PRINCIPAL

- WHO CAN'T STAY AWAY - FROM THE PONIES,

- AND IT COSTS $3 - TO RIDE THEM

AT THE PETTING ZOO.

TOASTY'S MY FAVOURITE.

WELL, I CAN'T REALLY

SPARE ANY RIGHT NOW.

- THAT'S GOOD - THINKING, PARTNER.

HOLD OFF A BIT.

- WE'LL GIVE IT TO HIM - TOMORROW

- DURING - THE INFOMERCIAL.

- HE CAN BE - THE HAIR MODEL.

[GASPS] HAIR MODEL?

I DON'T KNOW WHICH WORD

I LIKE MORE...

HAIR...

MODEL.

HAIR...

ANYWAY,

- WE'RE GOING TO MASS-PRODUCE - "HAIR TODAY"

AT MY FACTORIES

IN TURKMENISTAN.

EXCELLENT WORKFORCE.

EVERYONE THERE,

AN EARLY RISER.

- I'LL JUST NEED - THE FORMULA.

RIGHT! THE FORMULA.

WHICH I TOTALLY KNOW,

BECAUSE I INVENTED IT.

ARE YOU OKAY?

YOU'RE SWEATING.

I DON'T HAVE THAT PROBLEM.

I FUNNEL ALL MY PERSPIRATION

- THROUGH THE PRESTON PICKLES - PIT FILTER.

IT DISTILLS MY SWEAT

INTO FRESH DRINKING WATER.

AAH!

WHERE ARE MY MANNERS?

I'M GOOD.

[CHESTS PUMPING]

[DING, DING]

GREAT WORK, ECHO.

THAT'S RIGHT, EVERYONE.

PUSH DOWN NO MORE

THAN TWO INCHES.

WHAT HAPPENED TO

"MAKE SURE TO KEEP YOUR FLOWING,

YOUTHFUL HAIR OUT OF THE WAY?"

ZIP IT, BLONDIE.

SHOULDN'T YOU FOCUS ON SAVING...

[BEEPING,

[ELECTRONIC TONES SOUNDING]

YAY!

WHAT ARE YOU SO HAPPY ABOUT?

MY MAKEOVER.

- I FIGURED I'D LEAVE - A GOOD-LOOKING CORPSE,

- SINCE THIS DUDE - WAS GOING TO...

[MAKES "GAME OVER" SOUND]

ANYWAY.

LOOK, MR. TATER.

I TAUGHT THE DUMMIES

TO SAVE EACH OTHER.

[DING]

LOUSY SHOW-OFF.

I KNEW YOU'D BE BACK.

- DO YOU WANT ME TO APOLOGIZE - FIRST, OR SHOULD YOU?

YOU MIGHT AS WELL,

BECAUSE I HAVE NOTHING

TO APOLOGIZE FOR.

- WHAT ARE YOU - TALKING ABOUT?

- I'M THE ONE - WITH NOTHING TO APOLOGIZE FOR.

I WAS JUST BEING POLITE.

THAT'S A GOOD QUALITY.

I'LL KEEP IT IN MIND

- WHEN I'M DECIDING WHETHER OR NOT - TO MAKE YOU MY BUTLER.

- I'M NOT GOING - TO BE YOUR BUTLER!

WELL, YOU DON'T HAVE THE LEGS

TO BE MY MAID.

NOW, IF YOU DON'T MIND,

- I'M GOING TO WHIP UP - ANOTHER BATCH

OF MY HAIR FORMULA.

OH, BE MY GUEST.

- MEANWHILE, I'M GOING - TO RECORD MY RUTABAGA FINDINGS

IN A JOURNAL,

- COMPARING THEM TO THE DATA - I'VE COMPILED

FROM PAST RUTABAGAS,

THE WAY SCIENTISTS DO IT.

NOT LISTENING.

TOO BUSY MAKING MY FORMULA

- BY INSTINCT - AND VAGUE MEMORIES,

THE WAY GENIUSES DO IT.

- YOU DON'T REMEMBER - HOW TO MAKE IT, DO YOU?

OF COURSE I DO.

- IT'S JUST A LITTLE OF THIS - AND A LITTLE OF THAT.

ALL RIGHT...

LET'S SEE

IF THIS STUFF WORKS.

DARN.

- IT HAD NO EFFECT WHATSOEVER - ON MY HAND.

OW!

OW! OW! OW! OW! OW!

OH, WHOA, WHOA!

NOT THE FACE, NOT THE FACE!

THAT TICKLES!

SO... DID IT WORK?

HEY, THAT'S

INAPPROPRIATE!

[DING]

OKAY, EVERYONE IN THIS CLASS

HAS SUCCESSFULLY SAVED A LIFE.

[CHEERING]

AND BY EVERYONE,

I MEAN EVERYONE

EXCEPT IVY.

- IT FEELS GOOD - TO BE NOTICED.

COME ON, IVY.

IF YOU WANT TO PASS,

JUST SAVE

ONE LOUSY DUMMY.

HECK, JUST LEAN OVER IT

AND MAKE A CONVINCING

"DING" SOUND.

NO!

YOU NEED TO DO THIS,

BECAUSE SOMEDAY,

YOU MIGHT SAVE THE LIFE

- OF A PERSON WHO GOES ON - TO CURE A DISEASE...

OR DISCOVERS LIFE

ON OTHER PLANETS...

- OR OPENS THE WORLD'S - BIGGEST MALL?

I CAN DO THIS!

COME ON, DUMMY!

STAY WITH ME!

[DUMMY BEEPING]

OH, NO, YOU DON'T!

DON'T! YOU! DIE!

ON! ME!

I THINK SHE'S GOING

TO DO IT!

THE HORROR.

THE HORROR.

DING?

WELL, LET'S SEE

IF THE 33rd TIME'S THE CHARM.

DELICIOUS ICE CREAM?

DANG IT!

OOPS.

HA HA! I'VE DONE IT!

- NOW I CAN BECOME - OBSCENELY WEALTHY,

- BUY A SOLID GOLD - TOILET,

SOLID GOLD

TOILET PAPER,

AND A SOLID GOLD

PLUNGER,

- BECAUSE I'M NOT - TOO SURE

- THE SOLID GOLD - TOILET PAPER

- IS GOING TO FLUSH - TOO EASILY.

- BUT I'M GOING - TO DO IT ANYWAY.

YEAH!

HOO-HOO!

- NOTHING CAN - STOP ME NOW!

[CRASHING]

- OKAY, WHO PUT - THOSE LOCKERS THERE?

[♪♪♪]

- SO ARE WE - HANDING OUT WATER

- TO THE WHOLE - AUDIENCE?

NO.

- IT'S JUST THAT I GET - KIND OF NERVOUS

- BEFORE - AN INFOMERCIAL SHOOT.

UGH. GARLICKY.

SORRY, I HAD

SHAWARMA FOR LUNCH.

IF YOU'RE HUNGRY,

- THE LEFTOVERS - ARE IN THE OVEN.

NEW SHIRT?

YEP. MR. TATER

BOUGHT IT FOR ME.

- DID SHE LOOK ME - IN THE EYE?

- DID SHE LOOK ME - IN THE EYE?

[♪♪♪]

WHAT'S THE ONE THING

WE ALL WISH WE HAD MORE OF?

MONEY?

FAME?

- PARENTS - WHO AREN'T ASHAMED OF YOU

AND CHANGE THEIR LAST NAME

TO PICKFORD?

NO.

WELL, THE ANSWER, OF COURSE,

IS HAIR!

- WELL, NOW YOU CAN HAVE - AS MUCH AS YOU WANT

THANKS TO HAIR TODAY,

THE ONLY PRODUCT

SCIENTIFICALLY PROVEN

TO INSTANTLY GROW HAIR.

SCIENTIFICALLY

PROVEN? HA!

I SEE WE HAVE SOME NAYSAYERS

IN THE AUDIENCE.

- WHY, I BET - YOU'RE ONE OF THOSE LUDDITES

WHO DOESN'T DRINK

HIS OWN SWEAT.

NOW, THEN,

LET'S GET READY TO MEET

THE YOUNG GENIUS

BEHIND HAIR TODAY.

[♪♪♪]

DERBY, YOUR PRODUCT

IS THE GREATEST INVENTION

SINCE SLICED BREAD...

- NEXT TO MY SINGLE-SLICE - BREAD MAKER,

WHICH ELIMINATES

THE PAINSTAKING TASK

OF SLICING BREAD.

COULD YOU GIVE US

A DEMONSTRATION

OF HAIR TODAY?

- I'D BE HAPPY TO, - PRESTON.

I JUST NEED A VOLUNTEER

FROM THE AUDIENCE.

WELL, THEN, LET'S SEE...

- HOW ABOUT YOU, - SIR?

ME?

BUT I AM JUST A RANDOM

AUDIENCE MEMBER.

NOW, TAKE A LOOK

AT THIS POOR SLOB.

I KNOW, IT'S NOT EASY,

GIVEN HOW HIS REPUGNANT BALDNESS

MUST MAKE YOUR STOMACHS TURN.

- CAN WE JUST GET TO THE - "GIVING ME HAIR" PART?

ABSOLUTELY!

AND WHO COULD BLAME YOU

- FOR WANTING TO PUT AN END - TO YOUR BALDY BALDNESS,

BALDY?

- I JUST - RUB IT IN AND...

HAIR TODAY

INSTANTLY GROWS HAIR.

["OOHING" FROM AUDIENCE]

SHOULDN'T IT STOP GROWING?

LOOKIT!

[SCREAMS]

WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ME?

- YEAH, DERBY, - WHAT'S HAPPENING TO HIM?

HE'S...

- GETTING MUCH MORE - THAN YOU'D EXPECT

FOR $19.95!

I'M GOING TO CATCH YOU, DERBY.

I CAN'T SEE YOU,

BUT KEEP TALKING.

- I'LL FOLLOW - THE SOUND OF YOUR VOICE.

A-HA! GOT YOU!

[SHRIEKING]

SOMEBODY!

PASS ME A SCRUNCHIE!

- THIS IS NOT - THE SUDDEN HAIR GROWTH

I EXPECTED IN MY TEEN YEARS.

DERBY?

DERBY?

- THIS IS THE WORST - PRODUCTION OF HAIR

I'VE EVER SEEN.

- OW! - HEY!

WATCH IT!

- YOU CAN SPIN THIS INTO SOMETHING - POSITIVE, RIGHT?

NO. YOU'RE A NITWIT!

- A NITWIT, I TELL YOU. - A NITWIT!

- THAT'S BEGINNING - TO LOSE ITS CHARM.

OH, THIS IS BAD!

- I NEEDED HAIR TODAY - TO BE A BIG SELLER.

- NOW HOW AM I GOING - TO PAY OFF THAT LAWSUIT

FOR MY BEEF JERKY PANTS?

WHO COULD HAVE PREDICTED

THAT ALL THOSE PEOPLE

WOULD HAVE BEEN MAULED

BY WILD ANIMALS?

I'LL BE RUINED! RUINED!

[STARTS CHOKING]

OH, NO!

I'LL CHECK HIS PULSE.

[ECHO AND TATER]:

DON'T WORRY! I KNOW CPR.

DON'T GO INTO THE LIGHT!

UH-OH.

- I THINK RIGOR MORTIS - HAS SET IN.

EVERYONE, STAND BACK!

I'M TRAINED IN LIFE SAVING!

OH, NO!

DON'T TELL THEM I TRAINED YOU.

YOU SAVED MY LIFE.

I DID!

I SAVED YOUR LIFE.

CORRECTLY!

DID YOU HEAR THAT, MR. TATER?

I PASSED YOUR COURSE.

NO, YOU DIDN'T.

- ONLY COUNTS IF YOU - DO IT ON THE DUMMY.

- OW. - I CAN'T SEE.

- OW. - WATCH IT!

HAD THE RIGHT OF WAY HERE.

[♪♪♪]

HEY, ADAM,

I CAME TO...

WHAT'S WITH THE HAIR NET?

I'M WORKING WITH FOOD.

I REALIZED SOMETHING

- WHILE I WAS WATCHING - YOUR TRAIN WRECK

OF AN INFOMERCIAL.

YEAH, I KNOW.

- I SHOULD HAVE LISTENED - TO YOU,

BECAUSE YOU'RE ALWAYS RIGHT.

I'M NOT ALWAYS RIGHT...

- DESPITE - WHAT THEY SAID ABOUT ME

IN THE JULY ISSUE

OF INFALLIBLE MAGAZINE.

- IF YOU'D LIKE A SIGNED COPY, - I COULD...

NO? THAT'S COOL.

SO, WHAT DID YOU REALIZE?

- THAT ONE OF THE INGREDIENTS - YOU DUMPED IN YOUR FORMULA

WAS CHLOROPHYLL.

THE SUN MUST HAVE TRIGGERED

PHOTOSYNTHESIS,

WHICH CAUSED THE HAIR TO GROW

EXPONENTIALLY.

SO MY PRODUCT WILL ONLY WORK

- FOR PEOPLE - WHO NEVER SEE THE SUN?

GREAT.

- YOU COULD CORNER - THE MARKET

ON BALDING VAMPIRES.

AND IT MAY NOT BE "MILLIONS,

I TELL YOU, MILLIONS,"

BUT I THINK YOU'LL LIKE THIS.

AN A?

- THE ASSIGNMENT - WAS TO MAKE ICE CREAM,

- AND YOU, MY FRIEND, - MADE ICE CREAM.

I DID, DIDN'T I?

AND I'VE GOT TO SAY,

- BEING - IN THE SCIENTIFIC SPOTLIGHT

- ISN'T ALL - IT'S CRACKED UP TO BE.

THE PRESSURES,

THE EXPECTATIONS...

THE FEMALE

SCIENTIST GROUPIES.

I'D HAVE BEEN BETTER OFF

INVENTING A FORMULA

FOR HAIR REMOVAL.

- CARE TO JOIN ME - IN A LITTLE ICE CREAM?

WRONG BAGGIE!

WRONG BAGGIE!

YOU THINK?

[BOTH GAGGING]

[♪♪♪]