Original subtitles

[Music]

hey

hey betty wake up

hey

wake up mom it's 7 30.

oh no

[Music]

scram

that was the millstones doing their

thing which brings us to 736 the bright

beautiful layout and it's going to be

huntsville and greater helmet

we're going to hear from the

contemporary max but first a reminder

about swedish spring feminine hygiene

the newest and the niftiest effect

to come down the park it'll open up a

whole new world for you

pretty good time

i'm sorry i overslept that's okay

you know uh

sometimes i wish you weren't so damn

well organized in the morning

oh come on phil we have to read that at

breakfast

lousy silicon jumper

[Applause]

hey listen do you have any plans for the

weekend i mean uh dates or anything

good

i thought i might go away for a couple

days

hmm

yeah

i just feel like a change

it wouldn't mind would you well it

sounds great great idea oh well we'll be

plenty of food in the refrigerator you

know tv dinners and

ah hell phil

you can take care of yourself it'll just

be for a couple of days

what you're gonna be doing

hmm doing won't you be doing anything oh

yeah

resting

in bed

huh um you'll be in bed resting

ah come on cut it out hey betty i'm

really glad to think of you just resting

i mean i wouldn't want to think of you

not resting

[Music]

ease me down the morning

[Music]

long as i stay loose

it'll be all right

[Music]

oh

[Music]

everybody busy

[Music]

learning yesterday

with me i've been to tomorrow

[Music]

it's a better way

school girl you're a woman

[Music]

come and watch the sky

[Music]

where birds and circles fly

free

like i must be

[Music]

foreign

[Music]

thank you

fast please

okay that's fine

hey where you going library you know the

big room of the books

okay go ahead

[Applause]

both by d.h lawrence

that's a coincidence

are you quite sure you're supposed to be

reading these books

is there any reason i shouldn't be

reading those books d.h lawrence is not

for general distribution

that's why we have a special reserve

shelf oh i i hadn't realized

now if you're looking for reading

material i would like to recommend

something more appropriate

appropriate

do you know the works of willa carter

well that that's little girl's stuff oh

what about joseph conrad i've read all

of conrad let's get back to d.h lawrence

hey he's not a dirty writer he is filthy

dirty i can't believe that the next

thing you'll be bringing me partners

complaint any problems miss hopkins well

um i was just trying to explain to this

young man why d.h lawrence is not for

general distribution not for general

distribution i hadn't realized he's now

on this special reserve shelf how

unfortunate

but you see fuller here needs the

material for special research

this is the other book i need too

oh

topic of cancer i can't many thanks for

helping us how good come along now fully

let's take a walk

thanks

god is that what i did kind of

don't lend yourself such importance

fuller it was d.h lawrence i was saving

not you

while we're at it on exactly which shelf

did you find tropic of cancer it was my

own copy you should have known

i only was your reading at as much depth

as it had scope i think i know what i'm

reading if that's what you mean oh i

wish i shared your confidence fuller

your last exam for instance

in the course of a single paragraph on

hemingway you managed to reject honor

and courage as empty abstractions and

applaud them as eternal verities did i

in the same paragraph

well to be completely honest with you

completely honest i hadn't read is

completely honest you know somehow that

just doesn't ring true

i was just gonna say i guess i hadn't

really thought it through

this [ __ ]

[Music]

for dogs a gestation period is

approximately two months for chickens 21

days for snakes 45 days for camels 13

and a half months

for giraffes 14 months and for elephants

22 months

uh we have time for a few questions

okay

sir in regard to the gestation period of

larger animals uh particularly something

like uh

oh an elephant

well what about an elephant well i was

wondering if the protracted gestation

period was directly related to the

sexual act itself i don't think i

understand you wilkie i think i can i

can help out i understand

uh it takes nine months to make a human

baby and uh

22 months for an elephant baby

now what we're wondering is does it also

take longer for an elephant to uh do it

i'm sure i don't know

now that we're through with mr mcdonough

and mr fuller and their interest in

elephants i would like to cover with you

a new report in the medical journal uh

dealing with uh masturbation these uh

latest studies would seem to indicate

that uh masturbation uh when not

practice to excess

would not normally yield what we would

call harmful symptoms uh

either psychologically or physically uh

hence while not to be recommended of

course the journal indicated that for

modern young adults this would not be

the worst possible solution for

pre-marital sex pressures

yes fuller

mr ames could this report be taken to

mean that masturbation does not lead to

uh blindness and nervous disorders

as i said fuller there is no indication

of psychological or physical harm when

not practicing excess t.h lawrence said

it turns people in

lydia

all i can say is to repeat my earlier

remark

when not practice in excess there is no

indication could you define accessor how

many times a day

25 bucks

25 bucks

okay go ahead and fix it i'll pick it up

sometime next week

sorry

it's okay i'll be as good as new after

they operate wait a minute

basketball team right

last year

how about this year

this year i make bombs

i don't think you remember me

skeeter oh coach's wife of course i

remember you right

i'm kind of glad my bike broke down

otherwise i would have missed you or

rather you would have missed

can i give you a lift sure

[Music]

gosh i just remembered something mrs

hurley oh i hate mrs hurley i wish you'd

call me yvonne

what was he just remembered

well yvonne

i just remembered i haven't got my keys

so i can't get into the household around

six oh that's a shame would you like me

to drop you off somewhere else oh it

doesn't matter anyway listen i have an

idea why don't i buy you a coke or

something

oh that would be nice

[Music]

oh what a dingbat what's the matter i

didn't have any money either

well then how about a full drink over at

my place it's just a few minutes from

here

[Music]

oh damn

this shoelace keeps coming undone

[Music]

well here we are

skeeters claim to fame

there's something huh

if you've got trophies you might as well

display them

i'm glad you could come over i mean i

kind of get a kick out of helping

coaches boys

i know it's not always easy in high

school

it's a [ __ ] having to play all those

head games with the teachers and the

students not to mention yourself

it's bad for the ego you don't know why

i'm telling you all these things

listen i appreciate your honesty

i think that's the first time in months

someone told me what he felt sincerely

that's where it's at being honest with

each other

you're off be quiet

i just don't like to talk unless i have

something to say oh god you're so

different from skeeter with him it's yak

yak yak all the time

the guys say skeeter talks like he has a

cactus stuck in his jock

i bet you're a loner in school

well i don't make friends too easy i was

like that but you grow out of it how old

are you 17.

they say that's the toughest age

they say that's the age your needs are

greatest and you can't satisfy them

what kind of needs do they mean oh i

suppose they mean

you know

no i i don't know

um

sex i suppose

well they're right whoever it is we're

talking about

well it'll ease up

will it

phil i think it's beginning to ease up

what are you doing

was a stupid age 17.

feeling things and not being able to

express them no wonder we go ape no

wonder we blow up sex oh i know it was

rough for me too the warmth and intimacy

of people you grope for their love and

it becomes something dirty i know but it

shouldn't be that way i shouldn't i feel

like a child yvonne so warm and secure

oh yeah you're such a sensitive person

so are you yvonne

is it all right yes

oh god you have so much love in the

world if only we could fear it if only

we didn't have to hold it back

true motherly love brotherly love love

love love oh god yes yes yes

that's what molly says in ulysses

molly james joyce did you really say

that

hi casey

45.

debbie debbie great bond she's a goddess

she happens to be a virgin what are you

doing about it suffering

hi wilkie phil oh wasn't that an

absolutely nifty game oh nifty oh

absolutely nifty

what the hell game is she talking about

she's your chick i don't play games with

her well i don't either we have these

wonderful intimate conversations though

except this is a backward kid i'm

dealing with you know like like the

other day i asked her if she believed in

oral love and she said absolutely people

should tell each other how they feel

what's up prime hash

lovely stuff no kidding i highly

recommend it yeah how much five

okay

oh man you're crazy we'll take

washington by 19 points i mean who the

hell could stop malone right oh i can't

go along with you there ray i think it's

gonna go right down the wire and what

about that big black cat who's going to

stop trick me

the guy's on the bench half the time

okay i'm late fork over the bread what

was that routine

narc they got three of them now

hey what are you so surprised about

you're the one who screamed about knocks

in that underground rag of yours sure

but who knew they were really here lousy

gestapo where do you see my next

editorial

field house west stands north corner

taped under the third step from the

bottom oh by the way also carrying reds

dexy's tooies and the special this month

is birth control pills

hold it mafia how about my id what are

you doing embroidering it i don't want

to get in the pentagon i just want to

get a drink at a bar

do you want schlock or do you want art i

mean i only do first class work

uh don't give me that routine about your

quality goods okay

look starting next week you'll have

yourself a neat little driver's license

that says your herschel blasts age 22

white single and anglo-saxon herschel

is

oh

to do

uh

phil

you're up i couldn't sleep

don't drink out of the bottle

oh lauren is here

yeah

oh uh

you remember warren hi nice to see you

phil

oh i didn't want to wake you

that's very thoughtful of you soon um

cookies and milk

would you like some no no i'm sort of

dieting you know watching the old wait

oh yes well maybe i will have just one

quick one

chocolate chip i love them um

would you two excuse me please

i'll be right back

[Applause]

phil

your mother and i are planning on

getting married

congratulations

yeah i i guess i just wanted to set the

record straight

sometimes things look a certain way but

they're not

that is

they're not assorted as they seem maybe

they never were

thanks

now as to my qualifications sir

i have my own insurance agency and it's

doing very well expect to do a lot

better health excellent that is if you

don't count falling hair

[Music]

hobbies

golf

and just plain sitting around the old

sun i guess

vices

well i take a nip now and then

good points

that's a hard one

well

one

i'm very fond of your mother

i'm sure you answered

would you call me warren

warren

great

i'm hungry as hell

when's the big day oh not for a couple

of months kind of busy at the office now

anyway by the way phil i can use you

this summer if you're not busy filing

that sort of thing 75 a week what do you

think might be interesting

well how are you two getting on oh just

great huh

listen i wonder if you kids would excuse

me i have an early appointment tomorrow

morning and besides i think i've been

boring this guy long enough do you mind

of course not

phil

great i'll see you to the door

so

that's one

so that's one

you like him don't you i met him before

he's great oh i know that you met him

before but he never talked to him before

that's true yes

hey

what do you think

what about one oh he's he's okay he's

great

you don't like him do you he's a good

man i know that look you're marrying him

and you're happy with him archer i mean

you love him no i don't love you

i have to be honest with you

i mean i i i care about it

but i don't love him

not in the way that i loved your father

he has some very good qualities

and he's

he's willing to overlook some of the

very bad qualities that i have

and that begins to outweigh any romantic

notions that you might have

you understand

that's wonderful

it's not wonderful

there's nothing wonderful about it

it just means that i'm getting old

boy i never thought that would happen to

me

and i just can't stand it i mean i'm so

bored with dieting and i'm so bored with

all the things that it's necessary to do

and what i want is that i just want

someone that i can

be relaxed with

someone that i don't have to work at

then i think he's the perfect choice for

you and uh that's what you should

probably do is get married well so do i

so

i want to tell you something

i wake up in the middle of the night

and i realize how old i am

and i can't get back to sleep

and i think

where the hell is it all gone i mean how

did i get so old

you know what i want you to do

i want you to tell me that i have

nothing to be afraid of i mean i really

want you to tell me that

you got nothing to be afraid of

i have your blessing

yeah

thanks

you're welcome

[Music]

he's an all-american and a

[Music]

nation hails him

[Music]

he's the kind of son a country needs

it's deleted

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

physics

hard

is it hard

a book

not too bad

phil

everything about the future

yeah

no i mean it's fun now you know just

school and

making it with girls

i think it's rough later on

gotta think about money and

family

surviving the pain in the ass

the trouble with you people is you keep

getting old

buying and selling selling and buying

it's all a matter of sublimation

commerce is the great american sex

substitute

that's gonna be my first book how to

masturbate with money

i think you need too much

for something

how about now

how old do you feel right now

and so one of the things we can glean

from catcher in the rye is how uniquely

contemporary a novel can be even though

it may have been written years ago

in this case 20 years ago

that's the point isn't it

that the character of holden caulfield

salinger's teenage hero has such

timeliness today

even though holden has none of the

surface trappings of today's teenager

no uh

long hair or hippie jargon

you see the surface appearance of the

problems we face may change

but the problems themselves remain very

much the same

the truths holden was groping for

his crisis of identity if you will plus

the apparent insensitivity of family and

society to his dilemma all this should

strike a familiar

accord what's your feeling fuller

it makes sense to me

what is it you do in the mornings

lift weights

obviously it takes a lot out of you

well i agree with what you said about

what

about

holden caulfield good

[Applause]

does he uh

does he rate as high as d.h lawrence

not quite that high oh come on now

fuller

well let's have your evaluation then

i'm sure we're all eager to get your

views

before you doze off again

you assigned it i assume you like it i

assume you don't i don't ah we're making

progress why not

well you tell us to think about

characters in a novel as if they were

real people well i don't think real

people ever like holden i mean look at

him he's phony he's 16 he can't even

make it with a girl

holden is depicted as naive and

sheltered

naive tay really bugs you doesn't it

fuller i just don't believe holden ever

existed catcher is the kind of book

middle-aged people take a bath in

identifying a way like crazy convincing

themselves they were once that shy

sensitive kid before the cruel world

beat it out of them i think the novel

presents quite a realistic picture of

youth i guess i think it's sentimental

crap i guess i think your choice of

words gives you away fuller a book

contains sentiment ergo it must be crap

no what bugs me is to see adolescents

sentimentalized no what bugs you is

honest sentiment

[Music]

we'll uh

we'll get further into uh salinger next

time meanwhile class

now that fuller here has presented his

provocative opinions

i hope more of you will be stimulated to

take time from the tube

to finish the book

dismissed

don't you think you're carrying this

herschel blast number too far

i mean a mustache for christ's sake a

new name a new face oh i wonder what

happened to the real herself glass

knowing lafarge is probably sold to some

crazy doctor for parts

fuzz so what herschel blast has no fear

of the fuzz yep well wilkie mcdonough is

scared shitless you don't have any grass

on you do you oh no just from hashing

the hubcaps and coke under the carpet

don't do that to me again

goddamn police state you can't even take

a leak around here you're really spaced

out man

well that's what sexual abstinence has

done to me

nothing huh she's frigid oh stop cupping

out cupping out if i give you a history

of my campaign it would read like a

textbook on sexual strategy don't give

it to me sell to the rotc i mean it

i thoroughly researched this whole deal

i know where favorite restaurants are

favorite rock groups her birthstone what

are you trying to do ball or a breeder

when i first started taking her out i

was sure i had the keys to the magic

kingdom i used all these words like oh

fulfillment and inner peace and then

reciprocal self-expression no dice

glassy approach though then i decided to

scare her out of her little panties so i

combed the psychoanalytical journals for

case histories of girls who flipped out

because of sexual abstinence there was

one woman i remember rebecca g who was

discovered playing games in the bathtub

with her eight-year-old nephew that was

pretty scary

oh and then we had old bonnie e a woman

with a particularly strong libido who

dressed up as a little girl one

christmas and sat on the lap of every

santa claus in one major metropolitan

downtown area stop it man you're even

turning me on

then last week

i made my final suicide try i decided oh

forget all the strategy and come on

straight i said debbie

let's get laid

please oh let's get laid

hey with the love of a good freak help

but uh what's that got to do with the

bookstore what's that got to do with the

bookstore just wait i'm tired of waiting

hi joyce

wookie i'm gonna explain something to

you this is not just a bookstore it's a

supermarket for chicks they're just

waiting to be plucked off the shelves

now all you got to do is figure out what

kind you want you know it's knockers and

they want a ball oh no no that's not how

you shop now come here with me

well listen what are you doing

don't stop it

[Music]

you dig the intellectual types you

browse over here

[Music]

you dig the trip takers you keep an eye

on the pothead section

you take the mystic chicks you hit the

zen and the e chin crowd

oh yes

oh i like that mystical one right there

now if you want uh straight out action

and info freaks and that sort of garbage

[Music]

oh

[Music]

yes

[Music]

i want to pledge allegiance to the flag

of the united states of america

and to the republic for which it stands

one nation

under god

indivisible

with liberty and justice for all

there has been a growing laxity at this

school in many areas of enforcement

dress

hair

and manners

but disrespect for the flag will not be

tolerated is that understood no

disrespect was intended well then why

were you sitting down i was in my lotus

position

huh

i was in the middle of my morning

meditations

as a matter of fact i was sort of

saluting the flag in my own way

you mean this is your way of saluting

the flag yes sir now i realize it seems

a little unorthodox but what i actually

do is bless the flag during meditations

oh get up off the floor frankly sir i

would resend any attempts to deny me my

spiritual rights now look mcdonough you

have a pretty good academic record here

at west mesa so we can overlook those

crazy left-wing capers and your goddamn

underground newspaper

but i want your pledge that you will

properly observe the salute if you don't

do that tell me mr fanning on what

grounds do you compel me to salute the

flag it's in the rules

god what rules

school rules i think you'll find your

case to be rather flimsy if you were

called the supreme court only last year

oh i've got another barracks lawyer on

my hands look here madonna i'm not

interested in the supreme court the

rules of this school district state that

you might like to cite another set of

rules the eating book of changes i would

like to draw your attention to the laws

of the two primary chen hexagrams as

outlined on page two now it's hexagrams

you're interrupting me i don't wanna

hear anymore you're just gonna deny me

my spiritual rights you're damn right i

am the supreme court of the i don't give

a [ __ ] about the supreme court the

president of this greatness oh [ __ ] the

president

excuse me

could you tell me where i can find

schneider's office yes around the corner

and down the

ah hall we

are mrs fuller

oh um by the way i'm audrey schneider

how do you feel we're so glad you could

come we do feel it's important that once

a year parent and guidance counselor

meet and evaluate both problems and

progress as you relate to the student

well i'm ashamed to say that this is my

first time but i think it's a terrific

agitator say our schools are cold and

impersonal

they're not see i work and it's not

always easy for me to get away so

let's talk about philip

um

well

he's a bright boy

thank you she definitely shows a

superior aptitude uh profile especially

in mathematics in mathematics

i always thought it was a real dope in

man

no

now that see in english is unfortunate

there's a definite pattern of regressive

motivation in the language arts but um

philip and i are good friends and we've

had many long talks on the subject

excuse me but i always thought that

english was his best subject

you know he's always reading books and

actually

i'm also concerned about a continuing

problem in the area of emotional

immaturity as it applies to members of

the opposite sex

what do you mean

well

his fist fights with girls now there

have been two more incidents since last

winter

fist fights with girls yes

dr boardman notes

potentially disturbing hostility toward

girls particularly young girls

are you talking about my phil

you're there

so

philip r fuller jr that phil

phillip fulton

um

well yes

here we are phillip ralph fuller jr

could we uh start all over again

how do you do i'm betty fuller

uh

[Music]

that miss schneider she's a

she's quite a character

no but she did she made some very very

good points i mean she said for instance

that you are not working to your full

capacity and she said that you have an

extremely high iq but that you could be

doing a lot better actually yeah well i

mean i think that that's interesting but

if you concentrated more you see you

could be doing a lot better true

what are you going to do that no

come on no i mean it she knows what

she's doing i mean she is a counselor

and that's her job and everything

[Music]

i never did very well by you did i oh

hey baby you can meet some out-of-sight

people hitchhiking wait a minute i'll

tell you something from now on things

are going to be different i mean it

warren makes a very good living and i'm

going to be able to give you a lot of

the things that i was never able to give

you before you don't have to feel guilty

about me i don't i don't feel guilty

it's just that from now on

everything is going to be different i

mean i'm going to be able to quit my job

and everything

hey now we just i'm trying to be serious

i mean it i think that we should talk i

think that we should talk like mothers

and sons i think that we should talk

like mothers and sons talk

well what do mothers and sons talk about

well i mean

you're you're in an age now where

you probably need advice i mean you

never come to me for any advice i go to

miss schneider

that's funny that's really funny i mean

it now

okay what do you want to advise me on

i'm listening advise me

the position taken in mating varies

according to the species respective size

of the parties and personal

idiosyncrasies

under normal conditions

the smaller male spider gets underneath

the female

so that his head is beneath her belly

the two facing in the same direction

in this position he repeatedly thrusts

his charged pellets into the female

opening uh generally one after the other

but sometimes both together

in rare instances the male may mount the

female to insert his palette uh this

technique has the advantage of

facilitating a quicker getaway once

coalitious is complete

uh the getaway is propitious of view of

the fact that the male is smaller than

the female and the female customarily

develops an insatiable appetite during

the sex act uh an appetite that he's

satisfied we could be using this time

i tried to get my mother to write a

letter to get me out of here on

religious grounds male spiders

actions with precision and here's forays

with courage

religious grounds yes

well this letter comes as a surprise to

me fuller

the board of education has ruled that

the course is entirely optional

but it's a little difficult getting out

of it

so i'm finding out to be completely

honest with you

i've been deeply troubled about this

course for some time now and then when i

spoke to my minister well all right all

right fine fine that's all right i have

enough trouble without the clergy

waiting in my outer office

but you will have to get these forms

signed by your guidance counselor i

wouldn't want to cause any problems

problems oh there are no problems fuller

you just tell your minister there are no

problems

i think of us as friends phillip don't

you of course you do now i want you to

try and relax and tell me exactly what

it is that you find so objectionable

that's very difficult

no no no i don't want you to be shy

i know you may find it hard to believe

but i'm not very easily shocked what i

mean is uh well i'm hip to all the

scenes so it's cool

i'm sure you are so

what are we really talking about huh

of course in sex there sex

now

i want you to tell me exactly what it is

you find so objectionable

well i am

this is really very difficult now we're

speaking as friends remember

all right

when they talk about those spiders

you know doing it and all

whoever thought of spiders doing it did

you

did you ever think about that

and insects and animals not to mention

people all doing it everywhere all the

time

in this very room there could be some

spiders underneath the furniture just uh

just

popping away just

[Laughter]

don't you have a class this afternoon

not anymore

let's keep it moving

keep those knees high

[ __ ] skinny god he knows we're here

looks like he's bringing a hole on come

on

come on skeeter that's what he really

likes best

yeah i think you're right

i can't figure you and skeeter married

what do you mean

he's the sort of meathead you know you

think of living at the y and taking cold

showers

well anyways he's a much better man than

you will ever be okay

anybody want to buy a paper

gary you want to buy paper

sort of like an electric kool-aid

newspaper want to buy a paper hermey

paper here you go a chance of two sides

do i have to

all right all right how much i've

quarter

revolution can be profitable

well it's cheaper than playboy

looking you know this thing's liable to

get you into a lot of trouble oh doesn't

matter what happens to me my job is to

inform the people yeah i remember when i

had that job

hey wilkie let me your wheels will you

how am i going to get home friendship

will be friendship use my bike hey

that's not my thing

how you doing mr smelly oh how's it

going fuller okay

why aren't you out there selling papers

that's not my bag

cool is your bag right well that helps

cool but not involved

you mean like uh like them

all right yes

what's wrong with getting involved

nothing if that's what you have to do

what do you have to do

i hadn't expected a philosophical

discussion no

educational not philosophical

relax boy

the way i see it we have a system here

right

system says that you sit in class you

get your grades and you move on down the

assembly line as quickly as possible so

another warm body can take your place

now that's the system and uh

i do pretty well within that system

and how exactly do you do that

i play with it

i bend with it i go around it i think

the best that has to offer and hang

loose

i don't know whether you're a cynic

or just a parasite

i'm a realist

[Music]

there are all kinds of realities

hey honey you know what we've got to go

straight to the doctor again she's got

103 temperatures

[Music]

god is this

oh

you think it could be the carburetor or

whatever that is

no

i think it's reality

[Music]

hey

i think i just got hit by a flying

knocker

how's old herschel living it up sunny

hey bunny cuddy's our double

i want to talk to you when capone talks

everybody live

well as you may know business is booming

but i can't handle it all right

i need a partner no i'm not about your

business right yeah well look this is

big bread topic i'm gonna i think i'm

gonna pass okay what you don't need the

bread that's not that

you're not interested in free enterprise

i got other interests i don't want to

spread myself too thin

[Music]

you working for the competition

look right

you push drugs

wilkie publishes papers

i chase chicks we all got our own thing

you leave me alone i leave you alone

that's free enterprise too

dig

[Music]

[Music]

it's

[Music]

it's beautiful

hey look

you cared of her debbie i turned off on

her then at the bookstore

oh not you she's not your type

[Music]

all right which is yours debbie

that yours yes

it's beautiful isn't that beautiful

that's a work of art there

hello

hi is debbie there please whom i

yes

do you know what phil fuller i guess i

do you guess you do now what's that

supposed to mean well he's in my class

mom it's just i don't really know him

very well

oh

[Applause]

phil hey baby it's your favorite cook

what's happening oh nothing i'm just

reading listen i just had a great idea a

thursday's a holiday

why don't we go to the club swimming

wednesday night

swimming

well the pool isn't even open at night

we'll sneak in

be alone debbie

the cool water will purify our souls

wednesday

i oh i can't i like my bathing suit to

linda when will you get it back

oh maybe sunday

sunday huh

[Applause]

okay pick up around 9.

hey thought we were going swimming we

were but they drained the pool of the

club anyhow this is a better idea

coming to a place that sells trailers

at night that's exactly why we're here

babe nobody buys trailers at night

anyhow gives me a chance to concentrate

on my homework homework yeah for cooking

class i'm into a shrimp curry that'll

get me an egg for sure

okay up we go there we are

how did you know about this trailer hey

what are we doing here well this is

weird i belong to a friend of mine betty

i've been saving this experience for

someone who i knew would really dig it

what my shrimp curry i've been refining

the recipe for uh six weeks now and i

think i've really got it tonight's the

night

we could have cooked it at my house we

didn't have to come all the way out here

i can't just be cooked it's got to be a

total experience you've you've got to

control the environment every moment

every mood

i don't know about you

it's a bad luck an indian role

slippers

is this for me

yes

flower of the ganges

oh

wow

now debbie there's only one way we can

really taste my uh shrimp curry we've

gotta create a whole indian scene we've

gotta eat

indian

dig

huh

hey debbie

debbie do you trust me

i mean don't you want me to keep

expanding my sensitivities

who else would understand the man who

enjoys cooking

some people would think it's uh you know

a little queer

oh no phil

well those kind of people are just

ignorant

what's wrong with men cooking i mean if

women can get jobs men certainly can

cook

so don't feel weird

okay

why don't you go in there and get ready

and uh i'll start making it

[Music]

so

[Music]

so

[Music]

do

take that betty crocker

[Music]

oh

you can't see through this can you

oh no no no no it's it's lovely just

lovely

ah

a toast to eternal self-expression

i got them where i work what

[Music]

hmm oh

needs a little step

[Music]

[Music]

now my little peach blossom you will

have a meal to blow your mind

yeah

this is super

hot

[Music]

here i come my sweet

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

okay let's eat them bowl

[Music]

hmm

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

you

phil

you wouldn't go all the way would you

[Music]

what

you wouldn't go all the way

oh no no no no

um

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

so

i'm afraid there's been an

accident not bad oh it's nothing to

worry about if you cut some bruises your

mother's here in carson city general

hospital

close the city yeah i'm afraid the

driver was lucky did you know mr warren

cook

yeah i know

well he was killed you see it was the

steering wheel looked like your mother

was asleep in the back seat and

that way it was lucky you see

yeah

naturally she's pretty broken up about

mr cook

yeah

you have a license

well uh we thought you should get up

here as quick as you can to see your

mother

i'll i'll be there

five carefully son

phil

we should be able to start back in the

morning

the doctor just wants to keep me here

for observation

yeah i guess that's the best thing

i'll i'll find a wire or something okay

did you eat anything

a couple of hamburgers

you better be careful you're going to

turn into a hamburger

this isn't so bad for a hospital is it

i don't know what it is but

a hospital has always scared me

yeah i guess it's okay

i'm not much of a winner when it comes

to man am i

you know it's it's the smell that that's

what bothers me about hospitals the

smell

we were on our way to las vegas to get

married

isn't that a bad joke

yeah i guess i don't know

hey listen uh

i better find a place to stay tonight

okay uh can i get you some cigarettes or

something

yeah yeah that's a good idea

you know what brand i smoke

yeah

here

hi man

haven't seen you for three weeks

you know homework that sort of thing you

know

kind of left me hanging what happened

everything got screwed up

you owe me more than that you weren't

exactly strangers you know

take it easy will you i just want to

know why that's all

would you like to hear it right over

here please

oh come on

[Music]

so

[Music]

no one else not a single soul

i've been busy not too busy to drive

around with that complete teenybopper

the other night

i saw you

well maybe one other so what i'll bet

you're married remember screw you

[Music]

just don't know how it

is christ i was 30 last week

what

i said i was 30 last week

that's cool

bastard i hate being 30. i'm not exactly

wild about being 17. you love it

you use it like some kind of a weapon

you're like some sort of a professional

teenager look my boss is gonna wonder

what's going on

he just used me like a [ __ ] exactly how

did you use me i fell for that innocent

schoolboy routine i bet i'm just a cog

on your assembly line of middle-aged

over the hill women not exactly over the

hill i can testify to that look i didn't

come here to get bang

but why don't we get together miss me

before school

go what am i

doing look i just don't want to be

treated like skeeter

i didn't make the rules i'm sorry

yeah the whole world is sorry

since you're the only one who was a

crime

i was wrong you're much more involved

than i thought

think i could get this thing fixed

just thought i'd throw you a little

business terrific

i heard about your mother

i'm sorry

thank you

listen i'm supposed to tell you this is

a big job the next week the boss calls

you and tells you it'll cost more to fix

than it's worth and would you like to

trade it in on a new set

it's a 25 cent plug it'll cost

you nothing to fix it yourself

see that's my true genius knowing where

it's at now you're forever in my debt

one thing about you fuller

you don't sell yourself short

pound for pound i figure i'm smarter

than 99 of the people i meet

is that one percent that still throws me

well i'm glad something throws you i

figure it'll be like high noon i'll be

walking down the street someday and

there will be mr one percent

it's phil fuller man

i have something for debbie

come in

sorry i didn't call first i just wanted

to drop this off

a book oh isn't that nice

debbie says that you're quite a reader

phil

i just think that's wonderful do you

know sometimes i think that nobody reads

anymore

what are you reading now uh yes sid

arthur and steppenwolf well that sounds

more like a rock-and-roll group

well i guess i made a half remark

it is easy to lose touch with kids in

the hyundai is debbie home oh no dear

she's spending the night with cindy

phil fuller

oh she's told me so much about you now

sit down there

oh thank you

i guess that daddy's told you a lot

about me too oh she thinks i'm just

dreadful

no she hasn't said a thing

you know it's funny

debbie is the conservative of this

family and uh

i'm the radical in a way

well age uh i think is just a state of

mind it's no fun being a square when all

you kids are

into such exciting scenes

you know

i was married young

and divorced with the kid

and i just

i never really had a chance at all that

excitement

i'm sorry to hear that

phil

do you have any pot

yeah sure i mean never without you want

to light up

why not

i'll get you a drink

she wouldn't know grass from her mask

you know i do think that we ought to

exchange

one another's cultures

i mean

it's sort of the road to uh

universal harmony oh i was just saying

that to debbie the other night uh

happiness is just a

just a poke away or should i say a toke

away

thank you

there we go

now don't rush it don't waste it

oh

i'm sorry

it's been a long time

don't rush it take it nice and easy

okay

no

3.

[Music]

wow

[Music]

i'd like to talk to phil for a minute

well we could have a drink first if you

like mrs wilson oh that's a marvelous

idea but mom

mom now tell me what's going on in the

big wide world it's all going to pot

oh

and that lovely the way phil feels greed

has dropped in on us live

well actually debbie asked me over today

because she said she had something

important to tell us didn't you do

no no i didn't what's wrong

oh mother everything is wrong oh well

come on

nothing's all that bad

it's true

i didn't want you to know mom not yet no

no what

well

phil and i

have a little problem

what's sort of a problem she thinks

she's pregnant

oh my god baby

you

with you

okay debbie how do you know

don't you think there are things a woman

knows i'm nauseous in the morning every

morning every morning i drop every

morning and i'm like i'm late mommy i'm

late and i throw up

well sit down

just sit down i

can't think

mother

phil and i are going to be married

well you're too young to get married

that's why we're not

we're going to find a doctor

you mean an abortion well that's one way

of putting it oh no no absolutely not

you think i'm going to let that hold it

down

everybody just cool off

okay

now let's get practical

debbie is going to have a baby we have

to think this out very cool

first i can't support it second she

can't take care of it

so we got to figure out is who can

support us

and take care of it

unless it's you grandma

oh

marvie mommy my mother a grandmother you

shut up debbie now just shut up

the times have changed

nobody's going to look down on you you

do know that times have changed

but it's disgusting

i won't do it i won't

will i have to go to a hospital

i hate hospitals

sir the doctor will see you now

by the way for the records i need the

spelling of your name

um w i l

i

so

what can i do for you well doctor i'll

get right to the point i'm a freshman at

unm

and my girlfriend

while she's not exactly my girlfriend

anyway this girl i know is pregnant

and

and she can't have the baby

do i understand you correctly i don't

know but she can't and her mother's

giving me a really hard time

what you're suggesting is utterly out of

the question jesus doctor i came all the

way up here because i was told that you

understand the problems of young people

your problems are no concern of mine

well someone has to be concerned doctor

i don't want that girl to go jumping off

some bridge there are ways we have a new

state law now all you have to do is get

a psychiatrist and a panel of doctors

yeah i know all you need is a thousand

bucks social connections and pull on the

hospital board have the baby put it up

for adoption

thanks for your help and concern

who gave you my name

what's the difference who gave you my

name

my father justin mcdonald

wait a minute

shut the door

can your father be reached with this

number

well i i don't know if he's in right now

he'd better be in

justin

victor shirtless here

yes it's been a long time look you sent

me a patient

i

remember don't give me that crap

yes

so

he's standing right here justin

all right

all right justin

hey look i'm gonna do this little thing

i understand

but get this very clear i'm not an

abortion let's get that through your

head yes sir if you get the idea that

you want to pass my name around to your

friends at school let me tell you that i

will personally set the police on anyone

who comes here and mentions your name

even if they don't mention your name

i mean that yes sir i understand

it's wilkie is that right

just how pregnant is this friend of

yours

four or five weeks

bring her here a week from sunday eight

o'clock at night finger yourself

i thought it may be better if the mother

came the mother didn't get her pregnant

you come

and bring 400 in cash

400.

i'll give it to children's hospital and

i want you making a habit of this

hey what's with the flag waving a bit

thanks idea ultimate punishment he told

me i was either chairman of the

patriotism essay committee he picked me

out of school unrolled that please

dr sherliff turned out okay just need a

little massaging yourself yeah i knew

it'd be a tight ass all my father's

friends are

when i hit him for the name his little

chest swelled with pride and he gave me

one of those just between us guys looks

huh over here please

i think he was proud of his weirdo son

knocking up some chick

it'll cost for a hundred bucks

maybe you better find a cheaper doctor

what does he think this is medicare

i got 75 can you help me out

uh

i have about 130 in my christmas club

account

what about your old man oh

well he's trying to be hit but he is a

republican

well 200

halfway home thanks for oh by the way

guess who won the big patriotism essay

contest who

it's old rail of ours the role of free

enterprise in a democratic society

[Laughter]

and one thing

i can't assure you

is that all material will be thoroughly

steeped in relevance

always remember

material

plus

steeping

equals

relevance

and one thing

we can glean from catcher in their eye

is how

uniquely relevant a novel it is

even though

it was written 2 000 years ago

though the surface trappings may not be

the same holden caulfield very good

wilkie

very good

since my analysis seems to have made

such a vivid impression i'm sure you'll

all be ready to take an examination on

it

tomorrow

good day

well now fuller how goes the world

things still swinging in the radio

repair business it's cool

the cool teams

the young and beautiful people

everybody i know over 30 wants to be 17

why not

our society belongs to the teeny boppers

in fact i propose we design a new flag

no stars just acne

it's 1984 kid

life ends at 20.

that gives me

three more years to live

and i fuller i'm already dead

perhaps that's why i instinctively

dislike you

because you're on the winning team

i'm glad it's not something personal oh

yeah well it's something personal too

you're a con man

a cynic you use people

listen to your life

you're kidding hey mr mallory i thought

class was over well it's not

what is it

something has finally made a dent in

your shiny adolescent armor excuse me

fuller

have you ever really opened up to anyone

wake up mr mallory it's 1984 remember

nobody gives a [ __ ] you're dead

your three years are up

nobody gives a [ __ ] because you won't

let them okay you want to give me 200

for an abortion fast

huh

consider the 200 cool

i'll lend it to you

amazing thing the population explosion

children come in bunches like

grapes did you know that

one day it's just you and your wife and

conjugal bliss

and suddenly you're surrounded by little

bottoms

all of them leaking

ah the joys that would have awaited you

fuller

knowing you i assume you already have a

doctor

okay

just try and pay me back some time

and don't tell my wife

for god's sakes don't tell my doctor

why are you doing this

don't be embarrassed

just consider it a little friendly

gesture

or friends

well to be completely honest with you

fuller

i suppose we're doomed to be

[Music]

i want to find out about that injury you

want to kept you off the team

oh

it's okay it's fine it's good as new

come on in

[Music]

you don't have to stand near the door

come

oh i on

see you anymore

i would have a few laughs

like with the guys huh

like uh

maybe i

got a cactus

oh you know the guys are always rapping

about something you

said your injury was better what was it

again

uh hamstring muscle

you got to work out more for

keep your mind off other things oh i do

i mean i i tried to

oh that's right you were

you do jog a little don't you

early in the morning

well that's just not the right exercise

for someone with your problem

what you need is a machine like this

build up your abdominal muscles

got to have strong abdominal muscles

you never can tell when they'll come in

handy huh

here give me your books

i'll back up here i'll show you how it

works put your hands back here you lean

back as far as you can spread your legs

this is going to do a lot of good for

[Music]

just a little message from yvonne kid

many happy returns

no more scenes today huh

i had my kids last

night thanks for your concern creep

phil ah

hey phil i want to talk to you listen

can we do it later i i have to take a

shower i want to talk to you now

hey phil

well what do you want to talk about

well

you seem depressed the last couple of

days

are you depressed no i'm not depressed

i'm fine what do you want to talk about

it's just that i'm going to be going to

new york and you better start making the

necessary adjustments about getting food

in or eating out or whatever

vacation

i'll be gone at least a week hey

what is this vague

that i thing to go to new york that's

all

oh okay okay i understand you want to

get away but why new york

look phil

i have to go

why

go take your shower

wait a minute

first i get a kid brother lecture then

an announcement of travel plans then off

to the showers stop copping out i can't

talk to you about this it isn't right i

just don't know what's the matter

oh damn it

oh okay okay

i'm sorry

it's all right

it's all right it's

it's my fault

juan and i were going to get married

this summer yeah

and

we moved the data because uh

because i was pregnant

because i i am pregnant

warren's not so dead after all

oh that's nice

well that's really very nice

i'm sorry

i i mean i mean i'm sorry i'm sorry you

got caught

yeah that's uh

why are you going to new york right yeah

it's legal there and it's not too

complicated and i figure that when i get

there i can just ask around

no why would i be you're going to go

clear across the country to get an

abortion it's legal there and when i get

there i mean i'll find somebody that's

how much it's gonna cost it'll cost a

fortune look i can't do it here

they make you go in front of a panel of

doctors and and there's all kinds of red

tape

the whole thing is just

so awful

listen i can i can help you out

i know a man here

what do you mean you know a man

i know an abortionist

well how come you know someone like that

it's too long a story but but i know a

man and he's he's good

so how many

weeks how many months are you doing look

i don't want to talk to you about this i

mean i really don't want to talk to you

well you gotta talk about it because you

gotta have the abortion don't say that

operation

and and you're not going to new york

that's out of the question now this man

this doctor

he's very very good he'll take care of

you he'll make it very easy on you

they're going to be no problems

all right we'll keep them both come in

now

you can go into the last room on your

right there's a gown in there

i want to talk to you

what i have the 400 doctor come with me

here it is

you said you wanted to talk to me about

something

i thought the girl would be a

contemporary of yours

this one's a little old for you isn't

she

yeah i guess so

i find you a bit hard to take wilkie

i suspect you could become a steady

customer oh no you'll never see me again

doctor i don't believe you i think it

might be a good idea if you were my

nurse at tonight's little spoon work

what do you mean nurse

i think you need a lesson

open it

do the other

[Music]

hmm

so

you all right

you

are you all right

it's been 17 years

and i feel i'm just beginning to know

you

i know that feeling

[Music]

freeze me down the morning

gently from the night

morning breaks

quiet things

[Music]

you