Original subtitles

So, what do you think?

Wow.

It's for you, right?

It's for both of us.

Don't go away.

Don't worry.

There's no enough blood left in my legs to go anywhere.

[PHONE RINGING]

CHARLIE [ON MACHINE]: Hey, it's Charlie.

Do your thing when you hear the beep.

[BEEPS]

WOMAN: Listen, you lousy SOB.

I will not be treated like this.

Either you call me or you are going to be very, very sorry.

I love you, Monkey Man.

Charlie?

Who is that?

Damn telemarketers.

A telemarketer who calls you "Monkey Man."

I'm on some weird list.

Okay, it's a woman I went out with once,

and she got a little clingy.

You are a bad, bad boy.

And yet, you're always the one getting spanked.

[PHONE RINGS]

Geez.

CHARLIE [ON MACHINE]: Hey, it's Charlie.

Do your thing when you hear the beep.

[BEEPS]

MAN: Uh, Charlie, it-it's Alan,

uh, your brother.

No big deal.

Uh, just wanted to touch base.

My-my wife threw me out

and I'm kind of losing the will to live.

So, when you get a chance,

I'd really love to, oh, I don't know...

Hey, Alan, I'm sorry to hear about that.

Uh, so, where are you going to go, to a hotel?

Wow.

Huh?

Well, yeah, I-I guess you could... stay here.

Okay.

I'll see you when you get here.

We better hurry.

Oh, is she staying over?

'Cause I may have parked behind her.

♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men ♪

Twelve years and-and she just throws me out.

I mean, what was the point of our wedding vows?

You know, "Till death do us part."

Who died? Not me, not her.

How did you get in my house?

Okay, Charlie, the key in the fake rock only works

if it's among other rocks.

Not-not sitting on your welcome mat.

Excuse me,

but if you put the fake rock in with a bunch of other rocks,

it's impossible to find when you're drunk.

You know, I'm a good husband.

I-I'm faithful.

Is she?

Is she what?

Faithful.

[SCOFFING]

Don't be ridiculous.

I mean, Judith doesn't even like sex.

I mean, all she kept saying

was she feels suffocated, you know.

She kept going on and on,

"I'm suffocating. I'm suffocating."

What does that mean?

Has a women ever said that to you?

Well, yeah...

but not a woman who doesn't like sex.

And-And Jake.

Jake?

My son.

Oh, yeah, teenagers are pretty sophisticated these days.

He's ten.

WOMAN: Charlie, I'm going to go.

CHARLIE: Oh, no.

You two need to talk. I'll call you tomorrow.

I'm sorry to hear about you and your wife.

Oh, come on, you leaving

isn't going to bring them back together again.

Look, okay, this is just until things settle out.

A couple of days max.

She will come to her senses.

Yeah, that's what women do.

Look, you can have the guest room.

I'll grab some sheets.

That's okay.

I brought my own.

Brought your own sheets?

I like my sheets.

Okay, then, good night.

No, no, wait, wait.

Charlie, I mean,

we hardly ever talk to each other.

[SIGHS]: What do you want to talk about, Alan?

I don't know. Uh...

I was named Chiropractor of the Year

by the San Fernando Valley Chiropractic Association.

Okay, then, good night.

No...

No, Charlie, Charlie, what about you?

What's, uh, what's going on with you?

Well, Alan, there's not much to say.

I make a lot of money for doing very little work.

I sleep with beautiful women who don't ask about my feelings.

I drive a Jag, I live at the beach,

and sometimes, in the middle of the day,

for no reason at all,

I like to make myself a big pitcher of margaritas,

take a nap out on the sundeck.

Huh.

Okay, then, good night, Charlie. Good night.

Good night, Monkey Man.

Boy, is your eye red.

You should see it from in here.

What are you doing here, Jake?

My mom brought me.

Will you take me swimming in the ocean?

[SIGHS]: Can we talk about it after my head stops exploding?

Why is your head exploding?

Well, I drank a little too much wine last night.

If it makes you feel bad, why do you drink it?

Nobody likes a wiseass, Jake.

You have to put a dollar in the swear jar.

You said "ass."

Tell you what... here's 20.

That should cover me till lunch.

Now, what I think you need to do

is to make a list.

On one side, put what you don't like about our marriage,

and on the other side, what you do.

Alan, sometimes when I think about coming home to you,

I start crying in my car.

Okay, that would probably go on the "don't" side.

Why would I lie?

The ocean is closed today.

For God's sake, Charlie,

do you think you could put some pants on?

Look at me, Judy.

I could barely make it down the stairs.

Uh, Charlie, could you and Jake, uh...

Yeah. Come on, kid.

We'll have breakfast out on the deck.

I already had breakfast.

Okay, we'll have lunch.

Not lunchtime.

[IMITATES EXPLOSION]

That's his head exploding.

Judith, I-I can change.

Oh, please, Alan.

You are the most rigid, inflexible, obsessive,

anal-retentive man I've ever met.

Rigid and inflexible?

Don't you think that's a little... redundant?

My mom and dad are splitting up.

Yeah, looks that way.

You're lucky.

When I was your age,

Your mom is my grandma.

Yup.

Grandma says you're a bitter disappointment.

Hey, sport.

Uh, your mom wants to say good-bye.

Uh, listen,

he doesn't know anything about what's going on

so let's just keep this to ourselves.

Our little secret.

Wh-Why is she saying good-bye to him?

Oh, well, she's going to be spending the weekend

with her sister... in Vegas.

Uh, so, we decided that Jake would stay with me.

With you?

Well, with us.

I'm hungry.

Is this going to be a problem?

I guess not.

Thanks. Oh, uh, hey, listen.

I've got to call my office.

Would you mind making him lunch?

Sure.

Thanks.

What are you smiling about?

You don't have any food.

Yeah, but I'm not the one who's hungry.

Who's smiling now, shorty?

CHARLIE: You drink milk?

Just with cereal.

Okay.

Not that milk.

That milk.

What's the difference?

That's DairyFarm.

We drink DairyBarn.

Fine.

Happy?

Why would I be happy?

It's just milk.

Cute.

Keep it up, you'll be on one of the cartons.

Okay, cereal.

We got Lucky Charms, Cocoa Puffs,

Frosted Flakes, Maple Loops...

I want Maple Loops.

♪ It's got oats and corns and wheat ♪

♪ It's the sweetest breakfast treat ♪

BOTH: ♪ It's maple, maple, ma... ple-icious! ♪

You know who wrote that song?

Your Uncle Charlie wrote that.

No lie?

Kid, if I was going to lie,

I'd say I wrote "Stairway to Heaven"

not "The Maple Loop Song."

You two are really good together.

Thank you.

So, does your wife sing, too?

Oh, uh, no.

I'm not married.

Oh. What a shame.

Wow...

you're even better than a dog.

Dr. Bloom. Yes, yes.

This is, uh, Alan Harper.

Yes. My wife and I need

to cancel our marriage counseling appointment

for this afternoon.

Yes, well, well, something came up.

Well, it's-it's-it's kind of personal.

I mean, I-I-I...

Well, yeah, I know the point of these things is...

I've got to go.

Um, hello?

Is Charlie home?

Uh, uh, no. I'm, uh, I'm Charlie's brother.

Can I, uh, can I help you?

Oh, hi, Charlie's brother.

I'm Rose.

I'm Charlie's housekeeper.

So you're-you're a housekeeper?

Well, housekeeper, slash, actress, slash, hand model.

[LAUGHS]

I just do this to keep the wolf from the door.

[ROARS]

[LAUGHS]

You know what I mean?

Sure. Sure, come on in. Uh...

Oh.

Yeah, I can smell him.

Smell who?

Your brother.

He has a very musky scent.

Uh-huh.

Well, I'll just, uh... let you get to work.

Oh, wait.

Oh, no. It's okay.

♪ It's got oats and corns and wheat ♪

♪ It's the sweetest breakfast treat ♪

♪ It's maple, maple, maa...

Jake, buddy, take a break.

ALAN: What, uh...

What took you so long?

We stopped for ice cream 'cause I'm a babe magnet.

I got to take a squirt.

Why do you assume he learned that from me?

Because I learned it from you.

Hey, thanks for cleaning up.

Oh, it wasn't me.

Rose was here.

Rose?

You let Rose into my house?

She said she was your maid.

What the hell.

She glued the damned cabinets shut again.

Again? You've got somebody

who comes in regularly to glue your cabinets?

Oh, you've met some of the whack jobs

I've gone out with.

It's not that big a stretch.

Oh, oh. So this is my fault.

Who let her in?

Oh, you are a deeply disturbed man.

Oh, I'm deeply disturbed?

Who showed up here in the middle of the night

with his own sheets?

Hey, at least I care what I sleep on,

or should I say, who I sleep on.

Hey, pal, of the two of us,

I'll bet I'm the only one

who slept with a married woman recently.

EVELYN: And isn't that something

to brag about?

[THUDDING]

Hi, Mom.

EVELYN: Do you have any idea how hurtful it is

to hear about your own son's divorce

on the street?

What divorce?

Wh-what street?

How did you get in my house?

You stay out of this.

I'm here to help your brother through a very difficult time.

How could you do this to me?

Do what?

Now when I want to see my grandson,

I am going to have to make an appointment

with Judith,

who... let's face it... Was never very warm to me.

And what if there's another man there,

shacking up with her?

Have you even stopped to consider that?

I think he's considering it now, Mom.

Here's your iced tea, Grandma.

Oh, thank you, my little angel.

Oh, darling, I asked for a lemon wedge.

All right, here's what you're going to do.

You and Jake will come live with me.

After all, I'm just

rattling around in that big house all by myself.

Mom, that's very considerate,

but as soon as Judith and I work things out,

I'm going to be back at my own house.

Oh, sweetheart, grow up.

Think about what I said.

You're my son, and I'll always have room for you in my house

and in my heart.

I-I love you, too, Mom.

I love you, too, Mom.

Too little. Too late.

So, Vegas was good?

It was fine.

Alan, I really want to apologize

for putting you through this.

I was wrong to blame you for my unhappiness.

No. No need to apologize.

What's important is that we're here,

and we're working on our marriage.

You look great, by the way.

Must be all the

extra oxygen they pump into the casinos.

Alan... And-and-and-and you were right.

I-I see now that the time apart did us both a lot of good.

I know I've grown.

I am not that suffocating guy

you threw out of the house four and half days ago.

Let me tell you that.

Alan... And Jake's doing fine.

I know you were concerned

about him being around my brother,

but it turns out Charlie's great with kids.

All right, last card, down and dirty.

Kings bet.

Dollar.

I'm in.

In.

I'll see the dollar

and raise it five.

You raised $5 on that?

I call.

Call. Call.

Call.

Queens full of nines.

[GROANS]

Hey, kid, don't you know what a full house is?

Yeah, and I also know what a psych-out is.

CHARLIE: I love this boy.

And-and-and I think

that we're going to look back on this

as-as a new beginning

for our marriage,

a rebirth, a Renaissance, if you will.

Alan, I think I'm gay.

All right.

We'll make a list.

On one side, we'll put gay stuff...

I'll see you...

and raise you 20.

I think he's got you, pal.

He's bluffing.

He always pulls his ear when he bluffs.

How about it, Mighty Mouse?

You in?

Take him down.

Call you.

I hate this kid.

What the hell is going on here?

You said "hell."

Throw a dollar in the pot.

What?

Hey, we all had to.

Charlie, may I speak with you privately, please?

Whose deal is it?

ALAN: Jake, go to bed!

I'm out.

What is wrong with you?

Are you insane?

Do you have any sense of right and wrong?

Probably not. How was dinner?

How could you put Jake in a poker game with grown men?

I obviously can't be trusted.

So, how was dinner?

I leave you alone with him

for a couple of hours. I mean, it's just...

I'm just going to keep asking, Alan.

Dinner was swell.

We both had the veal piccata, and she's gay.

Wow.

Most chicks won't eat veal.

Why do I even try talking to you?

Oh, come on.

I'm just trying to get you to lighten up a little.

I don't need to lighten up.

The world I live in is dark.

Dark and rainy.

And you're useless in it.

Oh, really?

I wasn't useless when you needed a place to stay.

Well, obviously, that was a mistake.

Are you sure?

Maybe we should make a list.

[PLAYING SOFT BLUES ON PIANO]

Uncle Charlie?

What's going on?

Can't sleep?

No.

My dad says we're moving to Grandma's tomorrow.

Yeah. That'd keep me up.

You know, if it makes you feel any better,

you won 80 bucks in that last hand.

85.

80. House gets a cut.

I wish my dad was as cool as you.

Hey, don't sell your dad short.

He loves you more than anything in the world.

You know that, don't you?

I guess.

How come you don't have any kids?

I don't know.

Maybe because I love me more than anything in the world.

Uncle Charlie?

Yeah?

I don't want to go to Grandma's.

I'd rather stay here.

Yeah, well, your dad knows what's best for you.

Okay.

Good night, Uncle Charlie.

I love you.

Yeah.

Okay.

[KISSING]

You got to love a kid like that.

I even played him "Stairway to Heaven,"

and he still liked the Maple Loops song better.

Oh. Charlie,

I haven't seen you in two weeks.

Now, do you want to talk about your nephew,

or do you want to have sex?

Oh, sex.

Definitely sex.

Let me ask you something.

Yeah?

Do you ever think about having kids?

Whoa, Charlie, we got a good thing going.

Can't we just leave it at that?

What are you doing?

I thought we were going to have sex.

How am I supposed to have sex

while your biological clock is going off?

[PHONE RINGS]

Hey, it's Charlie.

Do your thing when you hear the beep.

[BEEP]

ROSE: Hi, Monkey Man.

I was just thinking about you

and wondering why we hurt each other so much.

Rose, it's me,

Monkey Man.

Charlie?

Yeah. Hey, listen, let me ask you a question.

Is there something inherently wrong

with asking a woman you're involved with

if she wants kids?

Oh, Charlie.

We got a good thing going.

Why do you want to mess it up?

[LINE DISCONNECTS]

Look at you.

All grown up

and back living with Mom.

How good do you feel about yourself right now?

On a scale of one to two.

I'm not back living with Mom.

I'm simply staying here

till Judith and I work things out.

So... one?

What do you want, Charlie?

Well, I figured you been here a couple of weeks.

You got to have blood in your stool by now.

So I thought if you and Jake wanted to come back

to my place for a while, that that'd be okay.

Wait a minute. Are you saying

you want me to come back and live with you?

Well, truthfully, no.

I want Jake to come back and live with me,

but I figure, you're a package deal.

Thanks, but we're doing just fine here with Mom.

Oh, come on, Alan.

We can't let Jake be exposed to her

on any kind of ongoing basis.

There's no ongoing basis.

He's only here on weekends.

That's too much.

Piranhas can strip an entire cow in an hour.

Alan, we've got to get him away from her.

I mean, look what happened to us.

And what happened to you?

Hi, Mom.

Charlie, you're a grown man.

Perhaps it's time to stop blaming your mother

for your own shortcomings.

Alan, the divan is not for sitting.

Charlie,

get off the couch.

Uncle Charlie!

Oh, there's my

good boy.

And what did I tell you

about yelling in the house?

Grandma, I'm suffocating.

[LAUGHS]

Sound familiar?

You're right.

This madness must end.

Here, I got you your own key.

♪ Men.

I am not comfortable with this.

I mean, maybe I should go wait in the car.

You're not waiting in the car.

Trust me. This is a great way to meet women.

I don't want to meet women.

I'm still married. Oh, come on.

You're wife's out meeting chicks.

Why shouldn't you?

♪ It's got oats and corn and wheat ♪

♪ It's the sweetest breakfast treat ♪

♪ It's maple, maple, ma... ple-icious! ♪

Your son is just adorable.

Oh, thank you.

You and your...

life partner must be so proud.

You're right.

Go wait in the car.