Original subtitles

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

CLARKSON: Tonight, James experiences the sheer grunt of a Chevrolet Silverado...

I go airborne in a Ford VelociRaptor...

And Richard Hammond carries some wood.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING)

CLARKSON: Thank you so much! Thank you! Hello!

Hello and good evening!

Hello! Now...

Thank you very much.

A while back, I heard that Lexus

was working on a car called the RC F.

It would be a 2-door coupe with a 5-litre V8 engine

and it would take on the smaller AMG Mercs and M-powered BMWs,

and I was very excited.

I couldn't wait to give it a spanking round our track,

and now, I have.

I expected it to be sharp, but violent...

Raw, but civilised...

Powerful, but controlled...

(GRUNTING)

I expected a bank of Tokyo high-tech,

with the exhaust bark of a mad dog.

But actually, it turned out to be fat and useless.

Really fat.

With two people onboard, it weighs nearly two tonnes.

So look what happens when you put it in a drag race with a BMW M4.

(ENGINES REVVING)

Three, two, one. Go.

The BMW just walks away.

I have 40 more horsepower than he does, and I'm being humiliated.

The enormous weight means it's no good in the corners, either.

(TYRES SCREECHING)

I have got many, many different settings in here.

And I've got G-Shift control, whatever that is.

And VDIM.

I've got Standard, Eco,

-Sport S. -(CLICKING)

Sport S+. Something called Slalom.

(TYRES SQUEALING)

Doesn't matter which one you select,

you just get yards and yards of

wearisome understeer, and then a lot of electronic interference.

There is, however, another setting in the RC F which makes it even worse.

If you put it in Sport+ and then push this button here,

look, I'm now in Expert mode. It says it there.

I have told the car that I am an expert.

I don't need the electronic stuff. I can manage.

Oh, God.

(TYRES SCREECHING)

Lurchy, that's the word I'm looking for there.

Lurchy.

(TYRES SCREECHING)

It's really struggling to deal with the weight.

-(TYRES SQUEALING) -Come on!

Why are you doing that?

I'm an expert, look. Look how I'm going round this corner.

That's an expert use of... Oop, I'm on the grass.

The simple truth of the matter is

you can put John Prescott in a pair of running shoes,

but it won't make him an athlete.

I really don't like this car.

I don't like the way it looks. I don't like the way it goes.

I don't like the way it feels.

(TYRES SCREECHING)

But what really annoys me,

what really gets my goat

is that I know Lexus can do so much better.

A few years ago, they gave us the LFA,

a car which, I'll admit, has many faults and irritations.

The seatbelt, for example, is incredibly difficult to do up.

Um... There are no cup holders,

it's impossible to plug your telephone or whatever

into the stereo system.

And the fuel tank is the size of a disposable lighter,

which means you have to fill up every five minutes,

and then you have to get out.

And then it takes a week to do your seatbelt up again.

(CHUCKLING) I still haven't done it.

It's like giving myself a prostate exam.

But these little things pale into insignificance

when you unleash its astonishing V10 engine.

(ENGINE REVVING)

It produces 552 horsepower.

That means 0 to 60 in 3.7 seconds.

(ENGINE REVVING)

It also means a top speed of 202, and even more amazingly,

it revs from idle to the red line

in an almost unbelievable 0.6 of a second.

But the best thing is the noise.

(ENGINE ROARING)

It's sounds baleful, it sounds like

a wild animal that's sad about something.

"Oh, noooo!

"I got my paw stuck.

(REVVING)

"Ow!

-(REVVING) -"Ow!

-(REVVING) -"Ow!"

This is what I was looking for in the new Lexus.

A sense that the engine is actually alive, that it's a sentient being.

And there was more I was looking for, too.

The LFA does not have an Expert facility.

Or a G-Shift thing, or VDIM.

(TYRES SCREECHING)

It corners well because it's well-engineered.

And it's light, very light.

And I love the way that it feels so violent and raw.

This car is simply out of this world.

And look at the difference in styling.

See how one looks like that stupid food that's drizzled in jus

and served on a bed of stupid beans to idiots

in overpriced restaurants.

And the other is as simple as a freshly picked blackberry.

I know that this costs five or six times more than the new RC F,

and I know it's full of carbon fibre and all sorts of clever engineering

that you can't reasonably expect to find

further down the fiscal food chain,

but surely they could have captured the spirit of this car,

the essence, its soul,

and transplanted that into the RC F.

Surely they could.

Or maybe they couldn't.

Maybe the LFA is so good,

not even the people who made it

know how to make it again.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING)

Um, you said you were gonna give it a spanking.

-Yeah. -But you gave it a kicking.

Well, it's rubbish. It is absolutely rubbish.

In fact, it's so bad I'm not even gonna bother

getting The Stig to take it round the track.

It'd just be a complete waste of time.

Ooh, now, we ought to bring you up to speed with the latest in car news.

Okey doke. A new Skoda coming out. It's called the Superb.

There it is. Mainly for minicabbers.

But what you really need to know is

underneath, if you pull away the body, it's basically a Golf, okay?

There's another new Skoda, the Octavia vRS.

That's a Golf as well.

New Audi, RS 3 Sportback. Here it is.

That's a Golf.

New Skoda Fabia.

-HAMMOND: Ah, is that a Golf? -No, that's Polo.

Oh, it's confusing. I can't...

-It's not confusing. Look, Hammond, it's... -HAMMOND: It is!

No, it's not. It's really, really simple.

All cars are basically a Golf underneath, or a Polo.

Or a Fiat 500.

Except for this. This is the Citroen DS5.

That's basically a Peugeot, underneath.

Oh, and the Fiat 500X. That.

Well, is that not a Fiat 500?

-No, that's an Alfa Romeo. -Is it?

Anyway, that's cleared up this week's motoring news for you.

Moving on, do you remember that six-wheeled Mercedes G-Wagon that I drove?

-The six-wheel drive thing? -Mmm, yes, in the desert. Yes, yes.

A massive thing. Well, Mercedes have now announced

that they're making a four-wheel version of it.

-Oh, there it is. -HAMMOND: There, look at that.

So they've made a four-wheel version of the six-wheel version

of the four-wheel car they already had?

I think it looks great.

Massive wheels made possible by portal axles so it's raised up.

It's got about 422 brake horsepower, I think it is,

from its V8 twin turbo.

It is quite costly.

£200,000 for that. I know, I know, I know,

but if you look closely, it's got side pipes!

Oh, yes!

And all of a sudden, ladies and gentlemen,

Richard Hammond has become uncomfortable in his trousers.

Well, I love... I do love side pipes.

I can tell that from the shape of your front pipe.

Oh, is it showing? Sorry.

Oh, now, there's a sort of motor racing. It's called GT3.

-Anyone seen it? -AUDIENCE: Yeah.

There's a picture of a grid here, right, okay?

Look at it. It's just amazing. You've got Astons, McLarens,

Porsches, BMWs, Nissan GT-Rs. Fabulous series.

-Yeah, very exciting because you can recognise the cars. -Mmm.

But now Bentley has announced that they're gonna build a car

that's inspired by that race series.

It's called the GT3-R, here it is,

and it's a sort of stripped-down, pumped-up,

road-going, two-seater version of the race car.

-580 horsepower from its V8. -I'll have a look at that.

Well, you'll like the sound because it's got a titanium exhaust

that they say gives it a baritone roar.

So it's got Tom Jones underneath it.

Basically, they've strapped Tom Jones...

-Poor Tom's, "Whoa!" -That's how it sounds!

Aston Martin have got a very similar sort of thing called a Vantage V12 GT3.

-AUDIENCE: Ooh... -Exactly, "Whoa."

-That is a V12... -Does look quite cool.

600 horsepower, so 20 more than the Bentley,

and it's half a tonne lighter.

That is properly blowing my frock up, that there. It really is.

Philosophy news.

Everybody... No, don't groan because this is... I know it sounds dreary, but...

Driverless cars are coming, as we know,

and somebody pointed out this week,

and I think it's rather a good point,

that they will have to make, from time to time, ethical decisions.

What, like, "Should we cancel third-world debt?"

No, James, not that.

You're driving along, okay, and you're heading towards an accident.

Well, you're not driving, you're just sitting there.

You're heading towards an accident. It's gonna be fatal.

The only solution is to swerve onto the pavement,

but there are two pedestrians there.

What does the car do?

What, is this the Moral Maze or something?

No, it's a genuine thing,

'cause basically, you will have bought a car

that must be programmed, in certain circumstances, to kill you.

It will go, "Well, there's two there, there's only one person in me, I'm gonna kill him."

And you'll just have to sit there as the lorry comes, and there's nothing you can do.

Well, maybe driverless cars will have to come with, like, and override button.

Just a big button with "Me" on it.

So, in a crash, "Save me!" Just hit that.

Or maybe it could have a sliding scale.

So you can say, "Look, if it's a load of children on the pavement,

"obviously, don't run them down, but cyclists?"

We are in dark territory here, aren't we?

Well, the interesting thing is all of us are programmed,

because we're humans, 'cause we're animals, basically,

to look after ourselves. Self-preservation always kicks in,

and you will swerve away from danger.

Not necessarily.

Oh, well, now you say that, but recently scientists conducted

an absolutely awful, genuinely awful experiment,

but with a very interesting result.

They got a load of monkeys with their babies and put them in a box,

and then thy heated the floor up. This actually happened.

I, you know, am just reporting.

They heated the floor up till it became really unbearable,

and all of the monkeys picked up their babies and held them,

but when the floor got hotter and hotter until it was absolutely unbearable,

every one of them put their babies down and stood on them.

(AUDIENCE GIGGLING)

I'm... I'm surprised...

I'm surprised you didn't save this for the Christmas show, mate, it's lovely.

What a lovely story! What a nice tale! I love a story!

I'm just saying, these driverless cars,

everyone goes, "Oh, aren't they clever? They can stop at red lights."

They are gonna have to face all sorts of things, like, "Who do I kill now?"

We are programmed to look after ourselves,

and these driverless cars are going to be programmed to do the maths and say,

"Lot of people over there. I'm gonna kill you."

And whether to stand on a baby monkey.

(LAUGHTER)

Now, Brooklands, world's first purpose-built racetrack. Do you remember it?

-Well, no. He will. -Oh, yeah, he will, obviously.

Okay, we've got some footage of it here to remind everyone.

This was just outside London, and look at it.

Everybody waked faster, we were in black and white in those days,

and you went unbelievably...

Look at this, 120 miles an hour on the banking,

and then... There's James May, look, in his pedal car.

And then it was just fantastic, but

the war started, they built an aeroplane factory on the circuit,

and that was the end of that.

Ever since, there's been a group of enthusiasts who want Brooklands to reopen,

and last week, actually, they were given a grant

by the lottery people of £4.6 million,

and I just think that's gonna be brilliant.

Get that back, Astons, Bentleys belching around at the weekend,

Fotherington Sorbet wheel-to-wheel with the Duke of Wembley.

It's a very good idea for an appealing Sunday afternoon,

watching the toffs kill themselves at Brooklands.

You just pop down the A3 on a Sunday afternoon,

"Let's go and watch the Earl of Bradford's head come off."

How much did you say they'd been given?

£4.6 million.

Well, that's not enough, is it?

The shopping centre next to our office cost one-and-a-half billion.

Yes, exactly. It isn't very much, you're quite right.

Well spotted, Hammond.

In fact, all they can afford to do with that is rebuild the start/finish straight.

Well, hang on, just the start/finish straight of a race circuit

-is not much use in itself. -CLARKSON: No.

Unless they spent all 4.6 million on lottery tickets.

It's lottery money. They take the grant, spend it on lottery tickets,

and win a lot more.

Good thinking from Richard Hammond there.

He's saved motor racing for the nation.

Now, I know this is a car show, but please bear with us,

because I wanna talk about this.

It's one of those watches that's worn by people

who play golf and do business,

and they're always banging on

about these pins that you can see here.

Yeah. They say that if they pull those pins out,

the watch will send their precise position

to a team of professionals who will come and rescue them.

So, if they're out climbing a mountain or rowing across an ocean...

Which they aren't, 'cause they're playing golf and doing business.

No, but if they were doing those things, and something went wrong,

then thanks to their watch, they'd be okay.

Ah, but would they?

To find out, the producers decided that one of us

should be dumped somewhere with minimal kit, with virtually no food,

somewhere very, very remote to see if the system works.

Well...

That's it.

I am now marooned here,

wherever the hell here is.

Bloody hell.

My only hope now is my watch.

So, it's time.

Undo this.

There.

And then pull that bit out.

And that's it, done.

Pulling those pins activates a distress signal

that's picked up by a LEOSAR, low Earth polar orbit satellite,

which then forwards my exact coordinates

to a central command centre.

The team here then scramble the nearest highly-trained search-and-rescue unit,

who arrive at my location within hours.

Sadly, however, today the scramble command

has not been sent to a highly-trained search-and-rescue unit.

(GRUNTING)

MAY: ...It's running on petrol.

It's a brilliant idea, and I'm not sure the Ferrari does that.

I think it does, but I think they're just being honest about it...

-(BEEPING) -...because they're recognising that it's

a means of improving the efficiency.

Is that your bag ringing?

Oh, I think this is the signal from our esteemed colleague Richard Hammond.

CLARKSON: Is it? Where is he?

Wait a minute. He would appear to be in Africa, is it?

Let's have a look.

No, I think you'll find that is...Canada.

Specifically, the Rockies.

Crikey, um...

Actually, that is quite serious.

We really do need to get on this, James, so...

Excuse me, could we see the pudding menu?

HAMMOND: Right.

-That bit suspends off this bit. -(BEEPING)

That watch transmits for 24 hours.

And then that's it.

Right. So this is the mountain, there's my tent.

Mountain, trees, hills, this is all we are.

There's a cameraman, a sound recordist and a bloke from the office,

and he's just a media luvvie.

I know you think

there's a five-star hotel just down there, but there's not.

Nothing else. There's no survival experts here.

Fact of the matter is I'm completely stuck

until Yogi the Boar and Boo-Boo get here.

CLARKSON: Knowing we were his only hope, we had some important decisions to make.

MAY: Raunchy apple fritters sounds quite interesting.

-James! James, James, James... -Or pancake with cheese...

You know in the colonies, Australia, South Africa, America, Canada and so on,

everybody loves pickup trucks.

-Yes? -Yes.

Well, why don't we get a pickup truck to go and rescue Hammond in?

Because pickup trucks generally only have two seats

and there would be three of us when we've rescued him.

Why don't we get two pickup trucks, one for you, one for me?

-Mmm. -It would, A, increase our chances of finding him.

-Yeah. -And B, there'd be a seat to get him back in.

-But... -(STAMMERING) Vir in Thunderbirds...

Mmm.

Inevitably, 1 and 2 kind of went first, didn't they, always.

Yeah.

Alan and... No, not Alan. Who drove Thunderbird 1?

-Scott. -Virgil.

No, Virgil was 2.

-Was he 2? -Scott was 1.

Virgil was 2,

-Alan was 3. -Alan was 3.

-Gordon was 4. -Gordon.

HAMMOND: In Canada, the temperature was a bitter minus 10,

so I urgently needed some warmth.

(SIGHING)

What would have been wrong with giving me a lighter?

I can't get my fire lit. Cold beans.

They are a bit frozen in the middle.

CLARKSON: Having finished our lunch...

MAY: I'm not sure about the red, you know.

...we went to book some flights to Vancouver.

Okay, you've actually just missed the last flight out today.

-Have we? -Yeah.

Oh, what a rotten bit of luck.

Should we maybe get another drink?

There's a Delta One that leaves at 10:00 tomorrow morning.

Don't like Delta's seat upholstery.

Would you go from Manchester?

Manchester, no, you know, this is the BBC,

I think it will be idiotic to go to Manchester.

I mean, that would be just stupid.

WOMAN: There's Lufthansa.

-(MAY SCOFFS) -CLARKSON: Stewardesses wear trousers.

WOMAN: There's one from Gatwick which goes via Calgary.

MAY: Gatwick? CLARKSON: He doesn't like Gatwick.

MAY: I hate Gatwick.

(WOLF HOWLING)

(BEEPING)

HAMMOND: Out there somewhere,

there are bears.

(WOLF HOWLING)

As many as 180,000 black bears.

I can't remember what it was, about 15,000 grizzlies.

(ICE RATTLES)

Freezing.

(WIND WHISTLING)

In the morning, I was cold and exhausted from lack of sleep.

But most of all, I was anxious.

Any minute now.

Any minute.

I mean, they've had 24 hours.

I mean, 24 hours.

You can get anywhere in the world in 24 hours, surely.

Where the hell are they?

(BEEPING)

MAY: (GASPS) I can't remember... CLARKSON: James?

It's stopped beeping.

-Well, yeah, it would. -Why would it?

'Cause the watch thing only transmits the distress signal for 24 hours.

Then the battery runs out.

-Seriously? -Well, yeah. It's only...

Well, did you make a note of where he was?

No, I didn't. You... You've got the thing.

Well, I remember he was...

He was on something called, I think it was Wolf Mountain,

and you go up Bear Pass.

Sounds grizzly.

-(LAUGHS) -Hey.

That was a good joke. No, actually, do you know

the biggest problem is not bears and wolves.

-Cougars, loads of cougars. -Well, that's all right, then.

No, not that sort of cougar.

Actually a (GROWLING) That sort of cougar.

Oh, you mean like a big cat thing?

HAMMOND: As I couldn't move from the spot

where the watch had transmitted the distress signal,

I was hard at work trying to make my life here more comfortable.

I want somewhere to sit.

I can't sit on the snow, so I'm building a shelter.

(STRIKING FLINT STARTER)

Spark, you bastard.

There we go.

We have fire.

And with my supplies dwindling, I also needed to think about food.

"Animals for food.

"Guinea pigs.

"All animals can be a source of nourishment.

"A few, including worms and insects,

"can be collected with little skill."

I'm bored, I'm cold, I'm unhappy, I'm hungry.

I'm scared. (GROANING)

Ugh! And I don't want to be wearing a hat, just for a minute.

Oh!

To alleviate the boredom, and stave off the cold,

I tried to make some SAS-style pine needle tea.

Ah!

Ow! Ow!

Ow!

Where are they? Just where?

CLARKSON: Unfortunately, we were a little bit delayed

at Vancouver airport.

Yes, of course.

But eventually, we made it to the car park,

where our pickup truck rescue vehicles were waiting.

CLARKSON: James? MAY: Yeah?

CLARKSON: That's not a light, that's a collapsed sun, isn't it?

MAY: Yeah, never mind that. Look.

-Mine is actually comes up to my nipples. -(LAUGHING)

I didn't realise it was... And yet, do you know what the other thing is?

If I actually find Richard Hammond,

I'm not gonna see him, am I? I'd just run straight over him.

You notice something else about mine?

This entire vehicle is a transportation device

for its own spare wheel, look.

-That's all the back's for. -That's really stupid.

-Look at the size of it. -CLARKSON: Look at it.

MAY: Anyway, listen, we got everything we need here.

I've got a big warm coat, I've got a massive car...

-Mmm-hmm. -A rough idea of where Richard Hammond is.

Yeah, so let's go

into Vancouver, get a hotel,

good night's rest, get rid of this jet lag.

(TYRES SCREECHING)

It's not funny, I don't know what...

(WOLF HOWLING)

They've got to get here tomorrow...

Morning. Early.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING)

HAMMOND: Um...

Hold on.

Hold on a minute.

Can I just make something clear?

That's the first time I've seen this film,

and, um, I'm sorry, you two went into Vancouver.

-Well, yes. -To get rid of your jet lag.

-Yes. -No, tiredness kills, Hammond.

-Haven't you seen those signs on the motorway? -Exactly.

What annoys me as well here is that you chose to do it in big American pickup trucks.

Well, that was a good idea, 'cause we hardly ever do

big American pickup trucks on Top Gear.

I know. I'm always campaigning to do them.

I know, and in part 2 of the film, we do them extensively

on many different types of terrain.

Yes, without me!

Oh, this is unbeliev... I've never heard such ingratitude.

5,400 miles we travelled to come and rescue you.

In slow motion.

Yeah, but we thought you liked tenting.

I do, in the Lake District, where there's a bit of drizzle

and you can go out for some cake.

Not on top of a mountain at minus 10, surrounded by bears.

Well, we'll find out later on

if Richard Hammond manages to be grateful about any of this,

but now it's time to put a star in our reasonably-priced car.

Now, funnily enough, my guest tonight spent quite a lot of time in Canada as well.

Is she an ungrateful, angry little man?

No, no, she isn't, actually.

She is the star of both The X-Files and The Fall.

Ladies and gentlemen, it is Gillian Anderson!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

-Hello. -I'll kiss you.

-I hope so. -Yeah.

(CLARKSON LAUGHS)

Excellent. Thank you so much for coming!

So you can remember my name throughout the show?

No, it goes on there. Eventually, it goes on there.

But I did have to look whether it was a "J" or a "G".

Now, um, one of the things that amazes me is you today joined a very small band

of people who've been on this show, including...

By doing the worst time ever, right?

Well, we'll get to that later.

(LAUGHING) Okay.

How did you know? No, no, no.

Benedict Cumberbatch, Simon Cowell, Michael Gambon and you.

What?

Everyone's offered a car and driver to come down here,

-but you said, "No, no, I'll drive myself." -Yeah.

-And you did drive yourself? -I did drive myself.

Very rare. Have you got a problem with drivers or you just like driving...

-I just like being in control, I think. -Really?

Ultimately. No, I do like... I drive everywhere. I drive everywhere.

You grew up in England, didn't you, 'cause I know a lot of people

would be very surprised to hear you talking with an English accent.

-Yeah. -But you actually did grow up in, was it London?

-It was London. -London, Crouch End and Haringey.

-But then you learned to drive in America. -At 16.

At 16. And it was a Volkswagen family that you'd come from.

Well, when we were living in London, we had a Beetle,

an old original-body Beetle, the skinny ones with the pointy tops.

And then when we moved to Grand Rapids, Michigan, we got what's called a Rabbit,

which is, I think, a Golf...

A Volkswagen Golf is a Rabbit.

-An actual rabbit. -Yeah, yeah.

-But I think they are the same thing. -A rabbit's not a car.

That's what I... (LAUGHING)

-It does exist. -Yes, it does.

-So, anyway, so you learn to drive at 16, in the States? -Yes.

-And it went well? -Yes. No, no, no, it went very well.

And then, you were kind of on probation for a period of time

when you get your driver's licence, where you can drive,

but you have to have somebody who has a driving licence in the car.

-Okay. -And I didn't on the first time I went out,

and got into two car accidents on the same day.

I was literally, I swear to God,

going to my very first acting class,

and I got rear-ended, and I thought it was my fault.

And so I said, "I'm so sorry. Just go. Go away."

And I didn't get any information, and then I had to pretend later

that I got hit in a parking lot.

They must have thought that all their Christmases had come at once.

Somebody apologised for being stationary when they ran into them.

So what was the second one?

The second one was, I was trying to parallel park,

and swung out and side-swiped a woman in a large old Cadillac,

and she was very large and her son was very large

and they had a very large baseball bat.

And they were determined that they were gonna get money,

so they followed me home.

-With a baseball bat? -With a baseball bat,

and I walked up to the front door, my mum answered,

and there were these two people wanting money, standing behind me.

And she had the sense of mind to look in her wallet

and pretend that she only had $20.

-And so she gave it to them... -And they were happy?

...and sent them on their way, yeah.

So anyway, you grew up in the UK, ended up in America,

ended up acting, obviously, so presumably you end up in Los Angeles at some point.

-Yes. -And then what car did you have

once all The X-Files had taken off?

While I was, um, I don't know why,

but when we were shooting in Vancouver, I had a Boxster.

And then while we were in LA,

I did a commercial and they paid me in a car,

and I got to choose the car, so I chose an old-body 911.

-A 911? -Yeah.

I'd have gone for a Veyron.

Well, I'm sure that the budget restricted me to a degree.

Oh, I see, it wasn't like any car.

It wasn't any car.

-So are you a fan of the 911, Porsches? -Yes, very much, yeah.

What is it that you like about 911s?

Um, I liked about that particular car,

I liked how much you could feel the road in it.

It felt, you know, it's a very basic car.

I always think they're popular in America 'cause 911's what you dial if you crash.

Yeah.

(IN AMERICAN ACCENT) "So, what do I... Oh, I know. There's a number."

(IN NORMAL VOICE) Because it's the same...

That's not bad. That's not a bad accent.

(IN A DRAWL) I'm better in the South, but that's about it.

(IN NORMAL VOICE) So have you got lots of speeding tickets or are you...

-I've had a few. -You have?

The nicest thing that ever happened was in Canada

on Christmas Eve in Vancouver.

I was properly speeding and a policeman pulled up beside me,

drove in front of me and slowed me down,

and then he put his hand out the window and gave me the thumbs-up.

What's "properly speeding"?

Probably about 110.

-Miles an hour? -Yeah.

How many tickets have you got? Do you get a lot of tickets?

I just got my first in 35 years.

-No! -Yeah.

-Is that... -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

You know, when you've got an innocent face like mine,

you don't like to cause offence,

which I don't, then you get...

-I smell bullshit. -It was...

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

The other one you had in Los Angeles, didn't you have a Land Rover?

I had a Defen... Yes, I did.

I, um...

I fell in love with the idea of having an old-fashioned Defender,

a red one with a cream top, and it was as much the look of it as anything else,

and they're a fucking pain in the arse to drive.

-(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) -They are.

The wheels are this big, and you have to turn them...

And there's no shoulder room at all.

I bought it for about $12,000,

I put about $35,000 into it,

and I sold it on a celebrity auction for $12,000.

'Cause it's only recently they've started making cars...

(IN BRUMMIE ACCENT) "What? You want it to last and work?

"We've never thought of that before."

But they are quite reliable now.

You and your accents, very impressive.

-Oh, no, well, you know... -Was that Australian?

(LAUGHTER)

Anyway...

It's time now to talk about your lap. Cos...

-(LAUGHING) My 2,765 laps. -Well, it was a bit of that.

You have set a record. Most amount of laps done.

-'Cause most people come down and do seven or eight. -What? Really?

-You did 22. -Oh!

-I'm gonna be brutally honest with you. -No! No, what?

Well, your first five were all over two minutes.

-Right. -Which is, um...

-Yeah, off the... -Well, crap.

It sucked at the beginning. It was wet and I couldn't see the lines,

and I got three hours of sleep last night, that doesn't help.

-Um... -Right. Wet. Couldn't see the lines.

Three hours' sleep, yeah.

-Body working okay? -No, no, no, frozen shoulder.

Okay, so that's...

But they're... I don't... They're not... Yeah, excuses.

So... (CLEARING THROAT)

Would you like to see your lap?

Yes.

Would everyone else like to?

AUDIENCE: Yes!

Here we go, let's have a look.

(TYRES SCREECHING)

CLARKSON: Whoa, that's a lot of power on the start there.

That's a dirty look!

Keeping it tight, very tight through there.

Tyres being tortured.

Here we go.

This is good. This is really good.

(ANDERSON LAUGHS)

CLARKSON: And, yeah, it is wet through that. Well, moist.

My foot's on the floor.

CLARKSON: Is it?

Right, now, the Hammerhead.

-Are we gonna be too brutal through here? -(TYRES SQUEALING)

We are a bit. A little bit too much gas.

But held it all together nicely.

Keeping it in the middle of the road on the way out,

and, whoa, that was a gear change.

I thought I turned on climate control.

CLARKSON: Don't get distracted with the Follow Through looming.

Yes, nicely... That's very nicely done.

And, oh, very quiet and smooth.

-Here we go, only two corners to go. -(TYRES SCREECHING)

CLARKSON: Oh, that was a sudden gear change there and only Gambon left.

Very nice through there, and across the line.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

So, ha-ha!

Bearing in mind, as we've established,

that your first five laps of your 22 were about here.

-Yeah. -Two minutes.

Where do you think you came in the end?

I think I'm probably still below Jack.

-What, slower than 1:54.5? -I don't know what that means.

-One minute... -Well, I know what that means!

-It's a unit of time... -I know!

-Well... 1... -Yeah, well, that's...

-So you improved. -Yes.

-40... -Oh!

-AUDIENCE: Ooh... -Oh!

-8... -No!

-.5! -Oh, shit!

Which actually... And it was mildly moist.

Which is actually...

Oh, wow, yes! I beat Charles Dance!

You beat Charles Dance, you beat Joss Stone,

you beat Kiefer Sutherland.

That's a reboot!

-That is quite something. -Wow.

CLARKSON: That's one of the fastest wet times we've ever had,

or mildly moist. I think it is.

It was more than mildly moist.

I'll be the judge of what's moist and what's not.

And that was mildly moist.

Okay!

I know what. You are easily not only the fastest wet lap,

-but also most improved. -Oh!

So, ladies and gentlemen, Gillian Anderson!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Brilliant!

That's good.

Now, tonight, Jeremy and I are using two huge American pickup trucks

to rescue Richard Hammond, who's been abandoned

on a freezing cold mountaintop in the Canadian Rockies.

We pick up the action after we'd had a good night's rest

in a downtown Vancouver hotel.

MAY: We set off before dawn,

not knowing exactly where Hammond was.

But we did know he was at least 400 miles away,

so we had plenty of time to get to know our vehicles.

CLARKSON: I am driving a Ford F-150 pickup truck, which is,

by miles, the best-selling vehicle in America.

Ford sells one of these things every 35 seconds.

And that's only in America, remember, 35 seconds.

If you were to park every F-150 that's ever been made since 1948,

side by side, not end to end, side by side,

the line would stretch round the Equator.

Twice!

The reason it sells so well is simple...

It's cheap.

You can have an F-150 with an automatic gearbox,

cruise control, air conditioning

and a 350-horsepower V8 motor

for the equivalent of £20,000.

Now that's what we pay in Europe for a Vauxhall Astra diesel.

MAY: By comparison, my pickup truck is a sales disaster.

What I'm driving here, viewers, the Silverado,

the Chevrolet Silverado, is the second best-selling pickup truck.

They only manage to shift one of these every minute.

I'm amazed Chevrolet is still in business.

HAMMOND: Meanwhile, very far away,

my third day on the mountain was beginning.

I didn't sleep last night, I was cold all night.

I'll have to get more firewood.

The thought of that, swinging that axe again...

It's probably a good diet, this. You'll see it on This Morning at some point.

(IMITATING LORRAINE KELLY) Well, what you need is to be abandoned by two good friends.

Well, when I say good friends, I mean bastards.

Look, that's what I call a breakfast.

-Thank you very, very much. -MAY: Oh!

WAITRESS: Your eggs. MAY: That's perfect.

CLARKSON: After our winter-warming breakfast, we were back on the road

and delving once more into our pickup trucks.

I'm gonna be honest with you. This is no ordinary F-150.

This is top-of-the-range Raptor model,

which has been beefed up, supercharged and intercooled

and then renamed VelociRaptor

by a company called Hennessey,

makers of the Venom, one of the fastest road cars

the world has ever seen.

So, the 6.2-litre V8 that I have under the bonnet

produces... (CLEARING THROAT) 623 horsepower.

That's 212 more than standard.

And that makes it quick.

-(ENGINE REVVING) -Alarmingly quick.

Listen to that!

It's like a jet.

MAY: While Jeremy was in a supercharged rocket ship,

I was riding a wave of low-down grunt.

I have at my disposal

a 6.6-litre turbocharged V8 diesel engine.

It develops 765 pound-feet of torque.

That's more than one of those Supersport Bentley Continentals.

I also have the Z71 Off-Road Pack,

which means I get a lot of underbody strengthening, beefed up dampers

and it has as standard a sophisticated four-wheel drive system.

I think for International Rescue, this is like Thunderbird 2.

It's the one that does all the really serious, proper work.

HAMMOND: With 52 hours gone

and International Rescue nowhere in sight,

I was resorting to extreme measures to find food.

This is the snare.

Just tightens

like that.

I lay this on the rabbit trail, which is here.

Foot, caught, rabbit, dinner.

There.

Apparently, the way you bait it

is with pee.

(VELCRO RIPPING)

(UNZIPPING)

Another layer. Two.

(UNZIPPING)

Four. (SCOFFS)

(UNZIPPING)

(SIGHS) What if a bear comes now?

CLARKSON: Meanwhile, James and I, keen to be ready for any emergency,

had decided to buy vital rescue equipment.

Why... What's that bit there for?

MAN: Can opener, bottle opener.

-What... -You need a bottle.

It's a bottle opener.

It opens beer. Yes.

We want them.

Is that... That's worth having it, isn't it?

-What is it? -Scrapy, scrapy, brushy, brushy.

You don't need a brush.

Well, okay, saw the brush off.

I can't buy just one end, can I?

There you go, see, there's just one end.

Yeah, but you might as well have a brush as well.

No, you don't need a brush.

(WOLF HOWLS)

I haven't made these exactly like the ones in the book,

'cause I once saw Ray Mears make snowshoes,

and they were more like this.

(WIND HOWLING)

(GRUNTING)

(GROANING)

Cold!

Really cold!

That's it, this is where I peed.

No rabbit.

It's all rubbish! Nothing works.

Where the fuck are they?

(MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)

I have my seat heater on. It's very nice.

CLARKSON: I really am starting to deeply like my VelociRaptor.

This reminds me, and you're gonna think I'm mad, but it's true,

it reminds me of a 1992 supercharged Aston Martin.

They're very similar.

I used to love that car.

MAY: Uh, this looks like rather an attractive small town.

I wouldn't mind stopping for something like a cappuccino.

HAMMOND: By mid-afternoon, there was still no sign of Yogi and Boo-Boo,

so I prepared myself for a third night in the open.

And if you want to write to the BBC

and say this is some rare type of tree

and has to be preserved, you can stick it up your arse.

Sick of the sight of this place.

I'm a television presenter from Birmingham, not Bear fucking Grylls.

CLARKSON: Despite our best efforts,

James and I were still more than 150 miles

from our friend and colleague.

Night was falling, the roads were getting worse.

And there was another issue.

Sitrep.

James May does not like driving in the snow

and has now reduced his speed

to about three.

To annoy him, as much as he was annoying me,

I decided to ignite my collapsed sun.

Right. (SIGHING)

MAY: (YELLING) Clarkson!

(CHUCKLES QUIETLY)

I've never ever encountered a light like that on the front of a car.

Seriously, very funny, but could you turn the big light off?

CLARKSON: Only when you speed up.

MAY: Turn the fucking light off!

CLARKSON: It was a long, horrible drive, but mercifully,

when we were just 10 miles from Hammond,

we found a lodge where we could spend the night.

And the next morning, I came up with a plan.

Hammond is 10 miles away and 4,000 feet above us, so

we have a race.

And if you get there first,

you don't have to rescue him.

Come on, that's an incentive.

-No, you're right. It is, isn't it? -(LAUGHING) It is.

So if you don't get there first,

you have to drive, what, 15 hours back to Vancouver

with Richard Hammond in your pickup truck.

Can you imagine driving 15 hours

back to Vancouver with him either dead or bad-tempered.

HAMMOND: Where the fuck are you?

I peed in a bottle in my tent last night and it felt dirty.

Enough!

CLARKSON: With a good breakfast under our belts,

James and I were planning our routes.

So Hammond is around there. That's where the signal came from, from his watch.

So if I go up what I think is Wolf Pass,

the corpse of Richard Hammond will be around here somewhere.

It's slightly longer, but it's only a little bit longer, but...

I'm avoiding that massive rise there. I'm gonna go that way.

You ready, May?

I'd never been more ready.

Three, two, one, begin!

(ENGINES REVVING)

CLARKSON: This is an interesting race, it really is, because,

although our pickup trucks appear to be the same,

but actually, they're not the same at all.

His is all about strength and torque

and this is all about speed and power.

And then there's our driving styles.

James' is very slow and methodical and full of maths.

Mine's more sort of...

(ENGINE REVVING)

Put your foot down and hope for the best.

MAY: Traction control is on.

Thumb's outside the wheel, that's the other off-road tip.

Absolutely gorgeous scenery.

Hammond would have been having a lovely time looking at this.

It's like being in a spa.

HAMMOND: Fucking... (GRUNTING)

You are going on there.

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

CLARKSON: In the Ford, I'd decided to use one of God's highways.

(LAUGHING)

Rivers, as we know, are level, unless they're waterfalls.

Just hope we don't encounter one of those.

There's my camera.

Yup, I can now see what I'm doing.

MAY: Two miles completed.

No serious problems.

-(THUD) -Jeez.

Yes, good work.

I love my pickup truck. I really love it.

Both of us were now off the beaten track

and full of steely determination.

Come on, Jeremy, you need to get there first.

Thunderbird 1 is powersliding.

Ooh, yes!

This is called wrestling with the controls.

Whoa!

Ohh!

MAY: I'm getting deep into the woods here.

Steady.

Temperatures and pressures all in the green.

This is shouting and power versus thought and torque.

CLARKSON: Come on!

I've got some rooster tails now.

(LAUGHING)

Good news, Hammond, the VelociRaptor works well in these conditions.

Where is he? Where is he?

HAMMOND: (MIMICKING CLARKSON AND MAY) Hello. Hello.

I'm James.

Oh, I'm Jeremy. Shall we be friends, James?

Yes, let's be best friends forever and ever.

Right, James, I must tell you all about myself.

Actually, that's my favourite hobby,

telling people how wonderful I am.

Oh, is it really, Jeremy?

That's funny because I actually am brilliant at everything.

Are you? Yes, I am, but I'm very modest.

Are you? Yes, that's why I drive a yellow Ferrari.

Do you? I drive everything better than everybody else.

Let's have another friend,

but let's leave him to die on a mountaintop, shall we?

Oh, that would be funny, wouldn't it?

Then we could look really cool.

CLARKSON: Knowing that Hammond would be on high ground,

I was now climbing...hard.

(ENGINE WHINES AND ROARS)

Oh, God, I love this thing.

I really properly do.

All day yesterday, this was an Aston Martin V8 Vantage.

Now it's a Group B Audi Quattro.

MAY: On my route, I too was climbing.

Do your stuff, Z71 Pack.

You can actually feel the wheels going,

"Is it this one, is it that one?

"I'll put a bit power there, I'll put a bit to that one."

But as we climbed past 4,000 feet,

the going started to get really tough.

Keep going, keep going, keep going. Keep going.

Thunderbird 2 is still go.

CLARKSON: Keep those revs up. Keep the wheels spinning.

Come on, Jeremy, you need to get there first.

I do not want to drive back to Vancouver

with my VelociRaptor being soiled

by Hammond's cheesy, decomposing bottom.

Oh, my head's come off.

Has it? Well, a man threw a knife at me,

but I caught it in my teeth. Literally, my head came off.

Ooh, but I'm okay.

(IN NORMAL VOICE) Mmm, are you?

In the cock! Ha!

Right in the nads!

Look at that! (SPEAKING GIBBERISH)

MAY: * Driving along Singing this song

Come on.

* Something in a winter wonderland *

-(CLUNKING) -Shit.

Situation update, viewers.

Bit too close to the edge there, um...

I've got to be careful how I move,

otherwise I'll fall into the valley.

Still, it could be worse.

Whoa!

Oh, no!

Shit! Shit!

Whoa!

Faced with the prospect of having to rescue the world's angriest man...

Where are you, you pair of (BLEEP) middle-aged (BLEEP)?

...James and I had both decided to rip out our own fingernails.

Ow!

Ow!

MAY: This made progress much easier.

That feels good.

Temperatures and pressures still in the green.

With snow chains fitted, you're supposed to be gentle,

but luckily, my colleague doesn't know what that means.

(RATTLING)

CLARKSON: Dig and claw. Dig and claw.

Come on! Digging.

Damn and blast!

(ENGINE WHINES)

Come on.

Come on!

You know you want to do this.

You don't want Richard Hammond in you.

-(AIR HISSING) -Oh, no!

The news was grim.

Shit!

MAY: You are genuinely a bit of a desperado here, Silverado.

Loving that.

And loving that as well.

I'm still coming, Richard Hammond.

CLARKSON: And you know what? So was I.

We are underway. Three wheels on my wagon

and I am still rolling along.

Come on, machine.

Where is James May? Where is May?

MAY: Bit of beans there.

Slightly less beans there for the climb.

(ENGINE ROARS)

That's an engine.

It's not a plane, it's a car. It's...

That's got to be them!

Where the bloody hell have they been?

CLARKSON: Come on!

Do it! Claw.

Stop panicking. Just ease it off.

CLARKSON: Really struggling. Really struggling here.

Come on!

It's Hammond!

Hammond is there!

How could it have taken that long?

May, bad news,

you're gonna have to take Hammond back to Vancouver.

That's a powerful vehicle! That is a go-anywhere car!

So where the fuck have you been?

And he's in an appalling temper.

Absolutely shocking!

Where are you going?

Well, now what?

Oh, that's your rescue, is it?

(AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING)

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)

Hold on!

That was shocking!

I have seen Thunderbirds and I never saw Alan

flying along, listening to Boston, eating a bar of chocolate.

No, you say that...

Neither did I see Virgil suggesting they stop for a cappuccino.

They were both focused on the job in hand.

Yes, but in that film, we did prove that your watch system works

and both James and I completely fell in love with our pickup trucks, didn't we?

Yeah. No, this is a very good point.

Because, I mean, let's be honest, for 12 years

we've looked down our noses at big American pickup trucks.

But having spent quite a few days in them,

we ended up completely besotted.

It's the value that staggers me.

Because American pickup trucks are exempt from the gas guzzler tax,

they are spectacularly cheap.

Yeah, I know. I'm surprised, actually, there aren't more people

importing them over here.

Yeah, well, I think the problem is a car this...

A vehicle, I should say, this size, wouldn't really work in Britain.

And there's another problem. Excuse me, Hammond.

I think if you put something in the back,

every time you pull up at a set of red lights, someone is gonna nick it.

Yeah. No, you're dead right, you're dead right.

But even so, I maintain my Silverado, it was brilliant.

Well, it was, James, but let's be honest.

It didn't actually reach the top of the mountain, did it?

No, I wasn't gonna mention that.

Actually, just before the end, it did break a driveshaft.

Yeah. I did wonder if you were going to mention that, because it wasn't in the film.

In the end, neither Thunderbird Fat

nor Thunderbird Slow actually rescued.

That is true.

No, an actual rescue person had to come and save me.

And can I just talk about the four days,

four days of misery I endured

whilst you two dawdled from breakfast to breakfast

in your heated trucks?

No, I'm sorry, there isn't time.

And on that bombshell, we really must end.

Thank you so much for watching. Good night!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING)