Original subtitles

(siren wailing )

( panting )

Halt!

I've got to hand it to this perp.

No one's broken out of the Infinetentiary before.

He's either the bravest time-convict I've ever seen or the dumbest.

Ow! Ohh!

My time-knee!

Oh, time-dang it!

Definitely the dumbest. Freeze!

You're surrounded by the Time Paradox Avoidance Enforcement Squadron.

Anything you say can and already has been used against you in future court.

This is it, Blendin. End of the timeline.

Any last words?

Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh... I-I-I-I...

I invoke Globnar!

Globnar!!! ( murmuring )

Very well, speak the name and century of those accused.

The two kids that ruined my life,

Dipper and Mabel Pines, 21st century.

So be it.

May Time Baby have mercy on their souls.

Candy!Candy! Candy!Candy.

Candy-- Candy--

No! It's trapped!

Everything is terrible forever!

Psst. Hey, dudes.

You want to know a trick?

Boppity-boop-womp!

A genius taught me that once.

This just in. Weather stations are calling for a candy blizzard!

Forget taking off the wrappers.

I'm eating these now!

Soos, you are the greatest human ever to live.

( Coughing )

That was a mistake!

Hey, no sweat, dude.

I'd do anything for the Pines family.

STAN: Soos!

I need to scratch myself in two places at once.

And 1 mean anything.

Coming, Mr. Pines!

Whoa, better make sure he gets his wallet back.

Wait, I've never seen Soos's wallet before.

Don't you want to learn some Soos secrets?

I don't know if we should be-- Whoa!

Soos has a membership to laser tag?

I didn't know they let grown-ups in there.

And look, emergency salami.

Soos, my respect for you has grown.

Jesus Esperaminguo Ramirez,

organ donor, birthday: July 13th.

Wait a minute.

That's today.

Whoa.

That's weird.

I wonder why he didn't tell anyone.

Uh, duh.

It's probably because he wants someone

to throw him a surprise party.

I can relate.

I've been waiting for a surprise party my whole life.

Surprise!

Too little, too late, Chiu.

Ohh.

More exclamation points!

More, I say!

Wow, you guys thought of everything.

Grenda, twins are born birthday experts.

We've shared every birthday together

so we know how to make them perfect.

( Noisemakers toot )

Hey, places, everyone.

I hear footsteps.

GRENDA: Everyone, be quiet!

All right, you promised a giant hummingbird,

so I'm expecting to see a giant hummingbird.

CANDY: Three, two, one...

Huh?

ALL: Surprise!

Happy birthday, you king on earth.

We got everything you love.

Cake-flavored pizza.

Pizza-flavored cake.

And one more treat.

Razzle dazzle, friends.

It's me, the Razz Dazzler.

This is what my life has become.

I...I...

Quick, everyone pose

for the Birthday Smiles Memory Album.

♪ Razzly-dazzly-doo ♪

Soos, what's wrong?

It's, uh, it's nothing.

I, uh...

I gotta go fix a pipe or something.

Whoa, did you guys see Soos?

What happened to-- Oh, no.

Oh, no, no, no.

Okay, you guys didn't know, so it's not your fault,

but Soos hates his birthday.

BOTH: What? It's a total mystery.

I guess he's been like this since he was a kid.

Some weird personal biz.

There's gotta be something we can do.

We've tried everything.

I even petitioned the government

to have this day removed from calendars.

Now I'm not allowed on airplanes.

( Sighs )

I don't know, guys,

maybe we should just leave him alone, you know?

No one should be alone on their birthday.

There's got to be a way to cheer him up.

We just need to try harder.

You're right, Dipper!

It's time for us to bring out the big guns.

All right, guys,

blindfold me once, shame on you,

blindfold me twice-- Wait a minute.

( Sniffs ) Hot dog smell?

Sticky floors? Future sounds?

Laser tag?

I love laser tag.

How did you guys know?

We definitely didn't rifle through your wallet.

( Nervous chuckle )

Welcome to the year 8,000.

Society? Collapsed.

Fog machines? Everywhere.

Are these walls just mattresses spray-painted purple?

I think this place used to be a mattress store.

I don't know, guys,

I'm not sure I'm up for this today.

Don't worry, Soos.

As soon as you start playing with us,

you're gonna have a great time.

We promise, no matter what happens

we won't leave your side.

Well, I guess, I could give it a shot.

AUTOMATED VOICE: Prepare for laser battle

in three, two...

( klaxon blares )

( all cheering )

Uh-oh.

Better tie down these cowboys.

Whoa! This is even cooler than I imagined.

Look how real these laser guys are.

(grunts)

AUTOMATED VOICE: Kick deflected.

Thank you for buying digicod, the smart codpiece.

Wait, what?

( Gasps ) Oh, no.

Soos!

Mabel? Dipper? Dudes?

Soos!

Nice try, but that's solid timetanium, kid.

There's only one way out of here.

MAN: Through me!

Oh, uh, sorry.

Come on.

Through me!

And that's what it would have been like

if I'd just gotten it right the very first chance,

but it still is effective.

( Both gasp )

The time traveler guy!

What did you say your name was again?

Blendo?

Blondin?

BlarBlar.

There it is.

It's Blendin!

Blendin Blenjamin Blendin.

How could you not know my name after you ruined my life?!

Initiate flashback!

It was after you stole my time device

to win your stupid pig.

I was cast out of the time anomaly removal crew--

my whole life's purpose.

And then I was given

ten squared life sentences in time prison.

I've spent every day since then planning my vengeance.

And now finally, it has come!

Look, we're sorry about all that,

but we're in the middle of something

really important right now.

It's our friend's birthday today,

and we promised we wouldn't leave his side.

What?! You think some dumb birthday matters right now?

Do you know where you are?

Welcome to Globnar!

MABEL: Is this a reality show?

Are we in Japan?

BLENDIN: It's gladiatorial time combat!

(grunts)

BLENDIN: The winner gets a precious time wish

and then decides the laser's fate.

N-n-no! Please!

( Screaming )

And the two of you are officially challenged.

Dundgren!

Get me my war paint.

Dipper, we need a way out of here.

But how?

I have an idea.

Hang in there, Soos, we're coming for you.

Dipper? Mabel?

Requesting back-up.

Ah! Ah!

Oh! Ah! Oh, no.

( Chuckles ) Laser Robbie.

Dudes?

( Bell rings )

( Mabel clearing throat )

Oh, my stars.

Could it be my little, um...

Lolphy!

It's me.

Your great-great-great-great- great-great-great grandmother

from the past times.

Gam-Gam?

Yeah, neon green is good.

This is a good color for me.

It's fierce-- Huh?

What? No!

You can't let them escape!

Stop there!

Gam-Gam, how could you?

I ain't no one's Gam-Gam, sucka!

You just got time tricked!

No! No!

Hurry! Back to Soos' birthday.

Okay. I think I've got it.

( Screaming )

Uhh. Are we back?

Oh, no! Look!

Mable, the Laser place is a mattress store.

We went too far in the past.

Time travel.

Man, why you gotta be so complicated?

Huh?!

Looks like they overshot their destination by 10 years.

I don't see them. You better find those kids!

You'll get your justice, Blendin.

I'm gonna keep stammering until you find them.

I-I-I-I...

I hate that guy. Let's move.

Yeah! Yeah!

Okay, we just got to go forward 10 years.

We can be back before Soos even realizes we were gone.

Oh, no! The timey thing.

It's busted.

Can you fix it?

Maybe. I'll need some tools.

And I think I know where to get some.

Let's try to lay low.

We don't want to change the future.

Or cause the future.

I forget how this works exactly.

Wow, 10 years in the past.

Everything is samey but also differenty.

♪ Doppity-doppity-doo ♪

Yeah!

Look out Broadway, here I come.

This dream goes nowhere, Toby!

Aww, marbles.

Whoa. Oops. Sorry.

( Whispering )

My friend thinks you're cute.

Oh, my gosh. Tambry, shut up.

Ow! Hey!

( Chuckles ) Thank you.

I mean you're super young, so this is weird.

Now you know how she feels, creep.

( Chuckles ) Yeah, I... Huh.

Wow.

Wow.

STAN: Schlep right up, ladies and gentlemen,

to see my latest attraction.

All right, the coast is clear.

Now is our chance.

Ha! Bingo!

All right, let's see.

BOY: Aw, come on, candy.

Fall. Fall.

Allow me.

You just need to know a guy on the inside.

Bippity-boop-womp!

Jackpot!

( Gasps )

Thanks, dawg.

You must be some kind of genius

All right, I think I've got this thing working

Dipper, Dipper, look.

No way.

Mi precioso, you keep wandering off.

You don't want to be late for your big day.

Sorry, Abuelita.

Big day?

This could be the birthday

where that personal biz went down.

We could finally find out why Soos hates his birthday.

All right, but let's be quick.

KID: I want a piece of birthday cake!

( Kids giggling )

Who's a handsome birthday boy?

(Sing-song) It's you!

( Giggles ) Soos, you are such a ladies' man.

They're my cousins, Grandma. Gross.

I got you a race car cake.

Man, I don't know why Soos hates his birthdays.

This looks great.

Sorry, dude, but could you move seats?

That's the seat of honor.

Uh, who's it for?

Oh. Heh. It's for my dad, actually.

I haven't seen him in, like, 8 years, but he's coming today.

( Door bell rings ) That must be him!

(inhales, exhales) All right, Soos, today's the big day.

Be cool. Be cool.

Postcard for...

Soos.

( Soos reading aloud )

"See you next year for sure.

Dad."

Hey, don't sweat it, cuz.

You'll see him next year.

Ha. Yeah, next year.

I'm gonna go lay down.

You party without me, dudes.

Wait, what about your presents?

TOY: Yay-uh.

So that's why Soos hates his birthday.

It's the day he realized his dad wasn't coming back.

So how much partying can fix that?

( Giggles ) Dorks.

Young Robbie.

Ay, Soos' father is a dead-beat.

( Speaking Spanish )

( clears throat )

Soos, I made you cookies shaped like dinosaurs.

I don't want cookies.

I want to see Dad again.

And he wants to see you.

He's just...busy.

Busy in New Orleans?

Ay. Yes.

Trust me, you will feel better one day.

Ohh, this is awful.

We promised Soos a happy birthday,

but how can we give him that now?

This goes beyond anything we know how to fix.

BLENDIN: This way! Mabel, hide!

They've got to be around here somewhere.

I think I heard them!

( Bird chirping ) Freeze!

( crying )

Trace their chrono-signatures.

Man, the sooner I defeat those kids in Globnar,

the sooner I can win my time wish.

Tell you what I'd do if I had a time wish.

Retire early, spend more time with the kids.

Nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah with the kids?!

Don't you know a time wish can literally do anything?

Any impossible problem solved, just like that.

I mean, imagine the possibilities.

Wait, Mabel, that's it, the time wish.

If we defeat Blendin in that space battle--

Then we can wish

that Soos' dad came to his 12th birthday.

And Soos' birthdays would be fixed forever--

all of them!

But do you really think we can win Globnar?

It's the only chance we have.

Besides, it's for Soos.

He would do the same for us.

Here we are, Blendin. We surrender.

It's them! Freeze!

Careful, they're from the past.

They might have powder muskets or slap bracelets.

Look, guys, no tricks this time.

We're ready to challenge you, okay?

Yes! Let the Globnar begin.

Prepare for Globnar!!!

( Silence )

Hey, turns out I can mute him.

Man, I wish we'd known that earlier.

Initializing.

( Crowd cheering )

Globnar! Globnar! Globnar! Globnar!

Silence!

Whoo! Oh, yeah!

That is one big baby.

Welcome, Globnar tributes.

I have a very important nap to get to,

so let's make this quick.

You each have a chance to settle your time-feud

through gladiatorial combat.

ROBOT: You will have until time baby finishes

drinking the cosmic sand in this hourglass.

No!

Come on. It's good for you.

Waah!

Get ready, kids.

When I get that time wish, you'll wish you were never born.

Or rather, you'll wish you were born,

because I'm gonna wish you were never born!

Dream on! There's two of us.

And we have hair!

Oh--oh, yeah?

Well, I have training!

What do you think I did in prison all that time?

Uh-oh.

Let the Globnar begin!

( Crowd cheers )

( buzzer )

( roars )

(grunting )

Yeah!

( Roaring )

Globnar!

Very good.

You have escaped the Cyclocks.

Yes! Blendin for the almost-win!

There is only one final challenge for Globnar.

An ancient game, thousands of years old,

chosen for its exemplification of pure strategy.

The ancient art of laser tag!

The one who touches the victory orb first will win.

Laser tag? Seriously?

Oh, I know it doesn't seem that challenging now,

but just wait until they turn on that fog machine.

You'll be done for.

You just wait until you--

MACHINE: Hit.

Hit, hit, hit, hit.

Oh, man.

Mabel, grab the orb!

Got it.

It is finished!

( Burps )

( cheering )

( buzzer ) No!

- No! No! - Yes! Yes!

You have made victory in Globnar.

Before I give you your time wish,

tell us what fate do you decide for the loser?

Oh, jeez.

Death!

Mabel. Sorry.

Got carried away.

So Blendin did try to wish us out of existence,

but it was kind of our fault for ruining his life.

Yeah, and he's kind of too sad to be a real bad guy.

Maybe if we treat him right in the present,

he'll turn out better in the future.

Okay, as long as you keep an eye on him,

we'd like to set Blendin free and restore his position

at the Time Anomaly Correction Unit.

And give him pretty hair.

So be it.

What? You'd do that for me?

I got my job back!

I feel like hugging somebody.

- I can kill you in eight different ways. - Yes, sir.

Now, children, what is it that you want for your time wish?

Thank you, but the wish isn't for us.

Not you?

But then who?

Who is worthy to receive such power?

Dipper? Mabel?

Ah, who am I kidding?

I'm not up for this.

Heads, I stay.

Tails, I go make myself some dinosaur shaped cookies.

( laughter slows down )

Huh. That's unconventional.

BOTH: Soos! Guys!

We're so sorry we left you hanging, dude.

We got caught up in this time travel junk.

And there was a time Cyclops.

And don't forget about the

time race. Time race.

But the point is, Soos,

we think we know how to fix your birthday.

Whoa. Really?

Wait, you guys did all of that for me?

And that's not all.

Behold your time wish,

the power to alter time, paradox-free, in any way you choose.

We think the only thing that can make you happy is meeting your dad.

But the choice is yours.

You mean, I can finally see my dad by touching this thing?

And you guys battled through time and space

just to get this for me?

What are you waiting for, Soos?

All right. Here goes nothing.

( Gasps )

Wait, what? What the...

Bam! Fixed you up.

Enjoy, dudes.

But, Soos, what about meeting your dad?

Well, birthdays are supposed to be spent

with the people who care about you.

But you know what?

That dude didn't care about me enough to visit me once,

let alone fight monsters through time and space like you dudes.

I mean, you had a gladiator fight just to make me happy.

I've been being ridiculous this whole time.

Whoever my dad was, he could take a hike.

I know who my family is now, and it's you dudes.

Thanks for giving me the best birthday ever.

Are you kidding me?!

Do you have any idea what you've just wasted?

Do you know how many have died to get a time wish?

The wars that were started?

Oh, that's not all, dudes.

I also wished for the slice of infinite pizza.

Watch.

And it can do that for, like, infinity.

( Indistinct )

Phew! That's a good time wish.

There's still 10 minutes before laser tag closes.

You dudes want to play?

Yeah.

(giggling )

DIPPER & MABEL: Happy birthday, Soos.

Whoa. Thought I heard an explosion.

Whoa, what's this?

Mystery Shack?

That is it!

You are single-handedly

the worst handyman I've ever seen.

Uh, hey, excuse me, sir.

Hey you, gumdrop, think you can fix a golf cart?

Well, I don't know if I--

Boom, you're hired.

One size fits all.

Step right up to the Mystery Shack, folks.

Step right LIP-