Original subtitles

Sync & correction by f1nc0 Addic7ed.com.

There is no god!

(VOICE ECHOING) God, god, god...

There is no Evan!

(VOICE ECHOING) Evan, Evan, Evan...

Hmm. Mo (BLEEP).

(VIDEO GAME MUSIC)

S01E03 - "Game Over".

- Hey, guys, I'm little girl one one... - Six.

Today I'm gonna make a tutorial on the cup song from "Pitch Prefect."

So what you're gonna need is a flat surface,

a cup, and your hands, and obviously yourself.

(CHUCKLING)

Okay, so let's get started. Just follow my steps.

I just blew your freakin' mind. Now try it yourself.

(GROANS)

(GENTLE GUITAR MUSIC)

H i. (YELPS)

What the hell?

Hello?

Why don't you ever take me out to dinner?

Since when can you talk?

This is the first time I've officially spoken.

- "Officially"? - I'm in love with you.

What? You're not a person.

- You're just a... - Just a what, Andrew?

- How do you know my name? - Call me Veronica.

Why don't you ever tell me how your day was?

I don't know. I figured you wouldn't care.

I... and you're not a real person!

If I wasn't real, would I be able to do this?

(LAUGHS)

(MOANING)

There's more where that came from.

- Now let's go to dinner. - Anywhere you want.

(PHONE RINGING)

- Triptank. - Hi. I am so glad you answered the phone.

I just... I have to tell you I love your show.

No, I mean, I love it. Like...

like, every fiber of my being wants your comedy inside of me.

I want to massage your jokes with my tongue

and feel the laughter spilling out over and over again.

Length is just not that important.

(VIDEO GAME WHIRRING)

(ALARM CLOCK RINGING)

Yah. What a headache.

Who am I? I-I don't remember anything!

Waaah!

A table! A note!

"Dear Randy..."

Ugh! Randy is a terrible name.

"...there is only one thing I know for sure. Turn over."

I'm an asshole called Randy? This is shit!

(BLEEP) you, wooden table!

(GRUNTS, SCREAMS)

Wait. It doesn't have to be like this.

(CHEERFUL WHISTLED TUNE) I can change!

Today I am going to be a great man!

- Life is wonderful. - Hey, spare some change, mister?

- Of course, my good man. - Wow! Thanks, mister!

I ask you every day, but this is the first time

you ever gave me anything.

To be honest, I-I always thought you were sort of an asshole.

(RECORD SCRATCHES) (GASPS)

Well, not today.

Today we're going to have fun and be joyful!

What do you want to do?

- Just name it. Anything! - Anything?

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(VIDEO GAME BEEPING)

(TATTOO GUN BUZZING)

(LAUGHING WILDLY)

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

(BABY CRYING)

Look at the (BLEEP) sunset! (LAUGHING)

It's so (BLEEP) beautiful!

(CHUCKLING)

You know, it's been a perfect day.

I really feel like a new man.

I don't need that stupid note anymore.

I've changed. I'll remember this.

I feel great, and I'm a great person.

Randy is a stupid name, though.

Aah!

(GRUNTING)

"You are an asshole."

See you tomorrow, Randy.

(GUFFAWS)

What a stupid name.

Here we go, man. Old school, mano a mano.

- Roy's gonna make... - (PHONE RINGS) Hello, triptank.

Oh. Oh, hey. I just wanted to say, like,

my friends and I, we, like, laugh about, you know, like, each other.

We're like, "that's c... " you know, like, "oh, we...

we know that," or, like, "we know what that is."

We're like, um...

so I guess I was just, um, (GUYS COUGHING)

I'm not totally sure I remember why I called,

but maybe... (CLEARS THROAT) is there a way to...

(DIGITAL HIP-HOP MUSIC)

Happy birthday, sweetie.

(SINGSONG) Guess what.

- Daddy got you a... - Oh, shit! A pony!

(PONY NEIGHS)

Yeah. Yeah!

Yeaaah!

Oh, yeah, mother (BLEEP) er!

Hi-yi-yi-yi-yah! Ya-ha!

Ai-ai-ai-ai-ai-ah!

Mother (BLEEP) er!

(LIGHT PIANO MUSIC)

Hi, what can I get...

I'll give you some time to look over the menu.

Wow. You look great with makeup.

I mean, you always look good. But tonight... wow.

Well, I'm a pieces, so I like to jazz it up sometimes.

Oh, no. Really? I'm a sagittarius.

Sagittarius and pieces don't get along.

BOTH: Fire and water.

(MAGICAL GUITAR CHORD)

(ROMANTIC ROCK MUSIC)

Why do these keep getting flagged as inappropriate?

This is bullshit.

I love you.

(WAILS)

Wakka, wakka, here comes Pac-man to bite your ass.

Psh, don't you run away from me.

I'm unstoppable. My power meter's green, bitch.

(PHONE RINGS) Hello, Triptank.

Hello, who the (BLEEP) is this?

Is this the guy that does the cartoons and shit?

- Maybe. - I hate it!

- Okay. - I can't turn it off because the birds,

they go crazy when it's on.

But I can't turn it off because I love the colors!

(LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY) Do you understand me?

I feel (BLEEP) crazy!

I can't turn it off, but I can't turn it on!

(DIGITAL HIP-HOP MUSIC)

(DIGITAL HIP-HOP MUSIC)

- (PHONE RINGS) Triptank. - Hello. My name is Salis.

I'm 12, and I would like to see more sketches

with the word (BLEEP) in 'em.

- Rrrr. - Let me transfer you to that department.

Hold, please.

(ROMANTIC ROCK MUSIC)

(SIGHS) I have a headache.

Ugh. (GRUMBLING)

I'm sorry. I can't control my headaches.

Oh, great. So even if I don't want to have sex,

I'm supposed to what... still do it?

Uh, yeah. Yeah, actually.

That's what people do when they're in loving relationships.

- Uh! - Oh, please.

Think of all the times I've had sex with you when I didn't want to.

- What? - Yeah!

(DOG BARKING) (LAUGHING)

(ZIPPER RASPS)

Please, not right now.

(SNORES)

(SUCKING)

Okay, fair enough. Let's do this.

- But keep it under five. - Yes!

Can we do anal?

(FUNKY DIGITAL MUSIC)

♪ Three aliens ♪

♪ came from the sky ♪

♪ the galactic ♪ ♪ council sent them ♪

♪ and here's the reason why ♪

♪ Their mission is to study ♪

♪ Earth's most average guy ♪

♪ to see if humans ♪ ♪ are worth saving ♪

♪ Or if everyone has to die ♪

Wait, what?

I'm pretty sure it was corked or something, man.

Oh, yeah? Well, why'd you drink 3/4 of it?

Look, I really need (CHUCKLES) this $5.00 back, okay?

It's been a-a rough couple months, man.

- Jeff? (YELPS) - Linda! You look amazing.

How have you been?

I think this might be the busiest week of my life.

I've got a job interview, a doctor's appointment,

- my friend's bachelorette... - Hey, you wanna grab lunch

or coffee or something?

- Uh! - Chet!

Let's drink this bubbly and get snuggly.

- (LAUGHS) I've gotta go. - Yeah, I should probably go.

I've got... I got a pretty busy week too.

(BIRD CHIRPS)

(SLURPING)

(SOBBING)

Hey, Mr. Sniffles.

We got something special for our favorite special guy!

I told you guys no more surprise gifts.

Well, something tells me you're gonna love this one,

'cause you've already loved her for five years!

Oh, my god, no! We need to undo this immediately!

Well, I guess I could just clear her memories

from the last 24 hours.

- Agh! - Oops.

- Linda! - Okay, I see what I did.

(SOBBING) Oh, what?

What, is she dead? Is she dead?

- Is she dead? - No, no, no.

She'll come back to in a couple of days.

- Maybe a month or two, tops. - Oh, Jesus Christ.

She had so much important stuff to do this week, guys.

What are we gonna do?

I don't know. Are you sure this is gonna work?

- Totally. - Are you sure she's gonna be okay?

Oh, for suresies.

(UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC)

Come on, Linda. (GROANING)

(WOMEN SHOUTING) Come on, Linda.

- Get into it! - Whoo-hoo!

And I also speak un poquito... de Esp...

Wonderful!

(EFFEMINATE VOICE) And I'll have the 32-ounce angus steak,

- uh, rare. - Whoa! (LAUGHS)

You're not pregnant, are you, babe? I keep telling you

it isn't an effective form of birth control

to shoot it all over your face every time.

But you just won't listen to me.

(JEFF'S VOICE) I'm not pregnant, okay?

Can we please talk about something else?

Yikes! What's up with your voice?

You got a sore throat? Or something?

(COUGHS) Yeah, yeah. I, uh, I think I do.

I told you, you gotta stop deep-throating me so much.

But you always have to have it your way, don't you?

Hey, dude, this isn't appropriate

dinner conversation, all right?

Look, I think we should break up.

- I'm still in love with Jeff. - What? Jeff?

You said his dick was so small, you got...

That's a lie! I never said Jeff's dick was small!

- Take it easy, babe! - You (BLEEP) liar!

I won't hit a woman...

- Oh! Oh! - Oh!

Okay! That's it.

Gah!

Gah! Aah!

(WAILING) I'm a bad person!

I can't believe I don't remember any of this.

Yeah. I guess he must've hit you pretty hard.

(SLURPS)

(CELL PHONE RINGS) Hello?

Hi, Linda. It's Dr. Lynn.

Uh, we're gonna need you to come in for a follow-up.

- Is this some sort of sick joke? - Honey, let me take care of this.

Son, are you on the peyote? I'll understand.

No! Veronica is very nice.

We're in love. We've been in love for a while.

Jesus Christ, it talks. Will wonders never cease?

- This isn't normal. - Come on, now, who are we to judge?

What is normal? He's just... exploring.

I want one. (HYPERVENTILATING)

Mom, calm down. We live together. Okay?

I'm dreaming. That's it! I must be dreaming.

(CHORTLING)

It's all a dream! See?

No! (SCREAMS)

(SOBS)

It's okay. She'll warm up to you.

- Also, I'm pregnant. - What?

I said I want one. Now!

(UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC)

(BUZZER) This is bullshit.

(DIGITAL HIP-HOP MUSIC)

(DIGITAL HIP-HOP MUSIC)

(CROWD MURMURING) Okay, behold Erebos of Xenos,

divine prophet and eighth emperor of the 33 dimensions.

Hey, guys. (APPLAUSE) My love is with you.

(CROWD CHEERS)

Wait, wait, wait.

Okay, I don't really have much on the docket today.

The hand soap in my enlightenment pod is out again,

so, uh, Tony, that's your job.

Will you get to that, honey?

Uh, what else?

Our new website is going live on Friday, so check that out, everyone.

And I think that's pretty much it for me,

so unless anybody else...

Ooh, lots of hands.

Uh, Travis.

So you said that Imratu the space dragon,

who I love, was supposed to come yesterday

and transport us all to the eternal dimension of peace.

Okay, and you guys, uh...

You guys are upset because Imratu the space dragon

didn't... didn't show up?

Okay, well, it's just that a lot of us castrated

ourselves because you said that's what Imratu wanted,

and the rest of us drank poison.

(WHISTLING)

O-okay, we're s... l-listen.

I think the focus has gone all on the space dragon thing,

and it's not about the other cool stuff we do around here.

We never really do anything except sit around

and talk about Imratu the space dragon while you

- have sex with our wives. - We have a pool table.

Some of us are just a liiittle frustrated because

it kinda seems like you might've made the whole thing up.

(COLLECTIVE GASP)

Wow, Tony. That sucks, man.

That really sucks, guys. That's a bad attitude.

I really don't want to have to do this,

but I'm gonna have to ask Petey to drink poison.

(COLLECTIVE GASP)

Poor, innocent Petey. Never question anything.

Everybody, I did that to Petey because I love Tony.

In fact, I love all of you so much,

I'm going to share with you my new vision. (BEEP)

The gaze of my fourth eye has pierced

the unfathomable multiverse

and seen a vision of a great and wondrous...

space puma!

Like the space puma you said wanted us to clean

your garage last summer?

(CROWD MURMURING) Uh... yeah, okay.

I know the answer to this question, but as a test of your faith,

which space animals have I already used?

Space puma, space jaguar, space lynx,

space mouse, space squirrel,

space dolphin, space wolphin,

space gorilla, space chinchilla,

space pig, space human.

(CHUCKLES) I know them all.

Because while I was boning Neil's wife,

I had a second vision, more important than the first.

I beheld a glorious space alligator...

(COLLECTIVE GASP) hurtling through the cosmos,

coming to transport you all to the dimension of total joy.

And his name... is Mumratu.

Mumratu, the space alligator?

That sounds very, very similar to Imratu, the space dragon.

They are brothers. Their last name is "ratu."

- And when will that be, prophet? - Well, you'll have to ask him...

(WHISPERS) when he gets here.

He's actually coming here.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

- Yay, Erebos! - Oh, yeah. It's awesome.

Now rise, my children, and go forth.

(R&B MUSIC PLAYING) Except, uh, for Neil's wife.

Roy's hatin' on this (BLEEP) game.

It's rigged, man. This thing is bleeding me out.

Picking my goddamn pocket.

Ben, I need another (BLEEP) quarter.

Hurry up, man. Dig deep, brother.

(PHONE RINGS) Triptank. How can I help you?

My name is Robert Rill. I just moved here from Sydney.

I live in a studio apartment. I've really enjoyed the show.

I really appreciate the masturbation bits.

(BABBLING) Can relate to a lot of that.

(LAUGHS) It's just been hard.

I've just moved here, so I don't know a lot of people.

Need to put you on hold for one sec.

Oh, god, he got me. He got me in a chokehold, man.

God damn it.

He got the Roy. Son of a bitch.

He ain't gonna let go. I can't shake him loose, man.

Oh, my god, I can see my goddamn...

Bring me a quarter. My life blood's draining out.

(DIGITAL HIP-HOP MUSIC)

(TRIUMPHANT MUSIC)

Idiot.

- Ow. - You've gotten sardines all over my sandals.

- Clean it up! - Ooh!

Yes, my lord. Mm.

(SLURPING)

(CHORTLING)

- Ugh, you pervert. - Ow.

- Where's your owner? - Oh, I'm free.

My owner died from an intestinal disorder.

He ate some bad giraffe.

Ow. My name is Hilarius.

(GIGGLING, HONKING HORN)

At your service.

- Idiot. Carry my lunch. - I'm here to see Sextus Scribonis.

He is the dominus hominem of the Colosseum.

- That means boss of everything. - I know what it means!

I plan to be the dominus "ominem" of the Colosseum myself.

Well, I'll let you cut in front of me for an artichoke.

How 'bout I don't stick a dagger in your fat face?

- Deal. - 99, 100.

Let's go to cafeteria.

- Yeah, it's meatball Monday. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Who put the sex show after the hippo massacre?

It'll stink of blood, and there will be flies everywhere!

No, you said it was funny when the flies bite the guys' balls

in the orgy rehearsal. You really laugh. Aah!

How can the upper deck see flies biting a guy's balls, hmm?

You've got to play to the cheap seats!

Aah! I sorry, I sorry.

- I am Lucius. - And my name is Hilarius.

(GIGGLING, HONKING HORN)

Ah, thank Apollo. Two applicants without typhoid.

Well, let's show you around this crazy madhouse we call backstage.

(LION GROWLS)

So you want to cut through the neck, visualize it to the other side.

(SCREAMS)

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Visualize the point on the other side through the neck.

(GRUNTS) See? A-smooth.

(GROANS)

(DIGITAL HIP-HOP MUSIC)

(DIGITAL POP MUSIC)

(CROWD SHOUTING)

Oh! Bravo! I love how he splurted everywhere!

So tell me why you should be employed

by myself and the great Roman Colosseum.

I have a reference from the greatest promoter

of all time... Flavius Arianus.

What "Flavius" was his anus?

Oh! (HORN HONKS)

You dare mock Flavius Arianus?

I should have you catapulted into the cheap seats.

Ooh, that's a good idea.

Get some papyrus. Somebody write that down.

But, but, but, but, first things first.

Lucius, are you ready to see your new office?

(HINGES CREAK)

This seems like a strange place for an o...

Aa h! (CROWD CHEERS)

- Oh, Apollo, I love artichokes. - Aah!

- Would you like to see your office? - Oh, I don't need an office.

Aah...

(CROWD CHEERS)

Oopsie. Dropped an artichoke.

- Near my pinky toe. - Yes, my lord!

(SLURPING)

Oh, Dorothy.

(FUNKY DIGITAL MUSIC)

Drop a hammer. Here it comes!

Boom! God damn it, I kill at this game. (LAUGHS) I am bad.

Triptank. How can I help you?

Hey, man, this is doctor father brother Travis calling.

(CHICKENS CLUCKING) That was a hell of a skit.

Man, that chicken's hot.

You gotta show more of that chicken,

maybe do one where he's nekkid,

and another guy is stickin' his pecker in him.

- Hold, please. - I'm kicking ass!

You have reached level 1,000. Join us on the game grid.

Man... Man, you out there, man?

Gaga, wow wow, ooh mama, wow wow wow wow.

(GAME BABBLING INDISTINCTLY)

(PHONE RINGS)

Triptank. How can I help you?

(DIGITAL HIP-HOP MUSIC)

sync & correction by f1nc0 Addic7ed.com

http://subscene.com/u/659433 Improved by: @Ivandrofly