Original subtitles

Yeehaw!

You sure no one's gonna come in here?

Uh, Easter ain't for a week.

Plus, I think I can take a church lady

in hand in hand combat.

You know I like to see that.

Score!

I thought you gave up sweets for lent.

I thought you gave up sex.

Well, I still can.

I'm not gonna show up to prom with my boyfriend

looking like a busted can of biscuits.

Put this on.

I want you to fuck me like some muffin type Jesus.

I always knew that I would lose my virginity

in a church storage room.

Gee!

That's a freaky decoration, man.

What?

You're scared of this dead old thing?

What was that?

It was just a bunny, doofus.

Aw! So cute.

Oh, my Jesus!

Hey, yo. It's Lance. Leave a message.

Hey.

It's been over a week.

Call me, text me.

Anything.

Just tell me you're alright.

The hell, girl.

I know Janet wasn't the best hairdresser,

but that doesn't mean you can show up

to the poor girl's funeral

looking like a half big buckle bunny.

I'm not going.

Uh, what?

Why not?

That poor Pinewood family, those teenagers last week.

Now Janet and her dog. I'm just waiting for the call.

Hey, hey. Nonsense.

Lance is just on another one of his benders

probably picking up some KitKat floozy at the Waffle Queen.

Oh, sweetie, I'm kidding.

Look, you're worried about Lance

and I'm worried about my best friend.

-One is fine. -Hmm. Well good.

Then get dressed.

Nothing to cheer girl up like a funeral.

And although we don't understand

why these attacks keep happening,

we must keep our faith and stick together

as a community.

Thank you, Pastor.

Fucking Marylou.

As head of the church committee,

I just wanted to say that we are all heartbroken

to hear the passing of such a sweet, sweet soul.

-Oh, and Janet. -Such icons.

But today is Good Friday, so let's not get too bummed out.

Okay? Now come on.

That's not the enthusiasm I'd expect

the week of Easterpalooza!

-Really? -What?

It's the only thing this miserable town

has to look forward to.

We kick it off today with the Good Friday Fish Fry.

And, of course, tomorrow is the bunny hop dance.

And Sunday is the grand finale,

the Easterpalooza, Easter Egg Hunt.

Please note the parking lot is reserved

for church committee members only.

Hey!

And we all remember last year when things went south,

when a few rowdy children

ruined the hunt for the rest of us.

As such, there'll be a ten egg limit per child.

Boo!

You know, God is watching over this Easter egg hunt.

In fact, he's always watching.

Seeking out the sinners of the world,

preparing his perfect justice.

I know I shouldn't be encouraging

your downward spiral,

but boy do I love to see Marylou pissed off.

But let's have some fun, shall we?

It's time to fish fry!

Stop it!

Did you know that fish don't even have vocal chords?

Kinda wish Marylou didn't either.

You need to stop watching so many nature shows.

No way!

Really gets Jim and I going during foreplay.

Oh, my. Shh.

Sorry. Holy water.

Easterpalooza.

Every year it turns more into a circus.

Come on, fish fry. Come on. Save mommy a seat. Okay?

Okay. Bye guys.

I'll be right there.

Come on. We gotta get to the bread pudding before Marylou.

I swear that woman eats like a mammoth

and somehow never puts on a pound.

I might just go home.

Oh, hell no!

We're not gonna let Lance run Easter for us.

We're gonna fish fry. We're gonna bunny hop.

And on Sunday we're gonna find some damn eggs because it's fun.

Yes, ma'am.

Christ will rise again, Jeanie, and so will Lance.

You'll see.

Hi, y'all

Sally, go get the punch bowl.

-Okay? -Okay.

Annie Sue.

What a touchy eulogy.

Janet looked so beautiful in her casket.

Someone else must have done her hair for one.

You're bad.

Jeanie! It's the funniest thing.

You know, I thought I heard you making

disrespectful sounds while I was speaking earlier.

Me? Disrespectful?

Um...

we better go check on our kids.

Come on, honey.

Even though you two were too busy to help out this year,

I think it's gonna be the best Easter yet.

Which is a good thing 'cause Annie Sue over here

is gunning for my position as head of the church committee.

I hate you so much you stupid cow.

Oh, not as much as I hate you.

Oh, she's fun.

So where's that tall, handsome glass of bourbon

that you call a husband?

No! Jeanie!

Oh, no. He's left you. Oh.

Bless your heart. Wow.

You two used to be the dream couple back in high school.

Funny how life turns out, isn't it?

Well, if you're ever lonely,

you are always welcome at Funko nights.

Do not show up without an appetizer.

There's my wifey. Hey, honey.

I'm the luckiest girl in the world.

You're so sweet it makes me fit.

How's it going, Eugene?

It's going alright. I can't complain none.

And business has been doing great

ever since the Pinewood course shut down.

But Jeanie, something's been ticking me off today.

Yeah?

I've had this piece of food stuck in my teeth all day,

and I've been poking at it and poking at it with my tongue

and the darn thing doesn't seem wanna budge none.

I just love to hear you talk and talk

-and talk and talk and talk. -Mm.

Holy jumped up bald headed Jesus paling me.

I'm so sorry, honey.

I'm just all elbows no forearm today.

Oh, geez.

Oh, it's fine, Eugene.

It's not like I've been planning this outfit all freaking year!

Sally!

Man, it's gonna put me in timeout for weeks.

Give me your sweater.

You want any other parts of my outfit?

That's a good thing about

your husband leaving, eh, Jeanie?

You don't have to deal with man's nonsense.

Hello! Earth to Jeanie.

Um, yeah.

Space Cadet.

Who's ready for fish fry?

Do you know how much it costs

to replace a stained glass window?

Cost me a chat with Marylou.

Hello?

Yeah.

I'll be right there.

Hey! Jeanie! What's going on?

Mrs. Cooper. This your husband's car?

It is. Where's Lance? Is he okay?

I was hoping you could tell me.

Any idea where he was headed?

I couldn't say.

Been around here for miles.

Looks to me like a drunken joy ride.

You wouldn't say that if you knew Lance.

Man is completely joyless.

When's the last time you saw him?

Last Thursday night.

Hmm. Same night those kids got killed.

What happened here?

My guess is a bear by the size of it.

Unreal. I mean...

Miracle he was able to walk away from it.

However, walking away makes this a hit and run.

That's a crime in all 50 states.

My husband's not a criminal.

I think he's in trouble.

I think your husband is the trouble.

That said, I'm gonna need you

to follow me on down to the station.

Uh-huh. Sure, no problem.

Good.

Don't worry, Mrs. Cooper.

Lance will come home.

Either on his own accord or in shackles.

Ma'am.

Hey, we'll find him Jeanie.

Okay?

"In shackles." I'll shackle him.

I know more about handcuffs

than that smoked piece of applewood whatever could.

I'm sporting applewood right now.

Sam, we almost peppered your dumbass.

Oh, we still can!

Y'all looking for Lance, right?

You know where he is?

In a manner of speaking, this ain't no fender bender.

No, ma'am.

This here is supernatural.

Oh, here we go.

Jeanie, don't listen to a single thing

this fucking Looney Tunes has to say.

It ain't what I have to say

is what I got to show.

Je-- Jeanie, no!

Hey! If he shows us his nut sack I'm ripping it off.

Goddammit, Sam!

Look at that.

What the fucking fuck?

Jackalope, baby! Woo!

Yes siree.

The great horned rabbit.

Attracted to whiskey, repelled by stove pipes.

150 years ago this town was ridded of its evil.

Now he has returned.

Lepus cornutus.

Lance's car,

it was covered in fur and blood and--

Exactly.

And my bet is when we find that jackalope...

we gonna find Lance.

Okay. Say you're right--

Seriously, Jeanie, you're gonna believe a guy

who wallpapered his double wide with tin foil?

I don't know what to believe. People are dying all over town.

There's fucking giant bunny prints.

And I found this in my husband's car.

Sam, focus. How do we find it?

We gotta figure out who he is first.

Them jackalopes is a shape shifter,

like a werewolf.

Human one moment--

-Bunny deer the next? -Bingo gringo.

Okay, I can't believe I'm even asking this,

but how does one become a jackalope, Sam?

Same way anything becomes anything else, Carol.

Vampires, werewolves, it has to come from a bite.

So, it bites you and then--

Nuh, you have to bite it.

Who the hell is biting a jackalope?

Someone juicing for power...

glory and the intoxicating feeling of becoming

something greater than human.

And he ain't gonna stop until he's satisfied hims blood lust.

Soon, every rabbit within 20 miles gonna

be at his beck and call.

A fucking bunny army?

We have to team up.

Form a posse and pray that when we find him,

he ain't smarter than us.

Well, if us include you, that won't be a challenge.

Come on, Jeanie, we gotta go meet the sheriff.

- Yeehaw. - Get down!

What was that?

I knew it.

The jackalope has come for us all.

We're done for!

Save yourselves!

-Sam! -Wait!

- Sam! - Yeehaw.

Jeanie. Jeanie.

Thank God.

This little guy's not joining any bunny army, is he?

Just fucking throw something!

Holy fucking shit, Carol.

Oh, my God.

Shh..

What the fuck, Jeanie!

I killed it.

Let's just put it down.

Put it--

We gotta go to the sheriff. We gotta tell him.

Tell him what, Carol?

That my husband's been abducted by a giant furry rabbit?

And I just-- just killed one of its demon minions?

Fair point.

Carol, Sam said that it attacked the town

150 years ago.

The only thing in town that old is the church.

That's where those kids got killed.

The first attack. Of course.

Carol, if there's answers,

they're gonna be there.

So if this maniac is right and there is a jackalope,

that doesn't mean you can just go fucking with the law.

Fuck the law!

Lance is missing.

And the only way we're gonna find him

is through the jackalope.

Now you're either with me or you ain't.

Shit, Jeanie!

You know, fuck it!

We've already shared everything else in life.

We might as well share a prison cell too.

That's my girl.

-Now take me to church. -Seriously?

Shut up.

Go, go, go. Go, go.

Poor horny, dead kids.

Ooh, cotton candy!

Hey, focus!

We're here to get clues to help find Lance.

Who's to say cotton candy ain't a clue?

Hey, look at this.

Ooh, musty and crusty.

Agnes Turner.

Listen to this.

"Dearest Lord,

my poor sweet children are riddled with the pox.

Each day short and precious.

Easter is but a week away

and I'd do anything to make it special for them.

I confess...

I've bartered my soul to Satan."

Shit, that's a good mom right there.

Oh, Goddammit!

Someone really is snacking on 19th century taxidermy.

Oh, Jesus savior, pardon me.

Sam, I will never doubt you again.

Maybe.

Carol, the Easterpalooza.

Everyone's gonna be together.

-We've gotta go get help. -Cops?

Better.

You-- You should have seen it, Phil.

I-- I fought that creature off with my bare hands, man.

Fur and blood

and viscera everywhere.

I made the ladies

wet with gratitude.

That is until they...

succumbed to the beast's fury.

Well, I'm sure it was a sight to see.

By the beard of St. Peter.

Surprised to see us alive, boy?

Whiskey is on the house

for bringing this weasel down a notch.

Hey, Jeanie, check this out.

Very cool, Phil.

Oh, Mr. Mayor.

Just the scumbag we were hoping to see.

Ladies, to what do I owe this pleasure?

Hi, Lou.

Oh, Lou, is it?

We're here as concerned citizens.

Oh, I see.

I-- we think

you should seriously consider postponing

the Easterpalooza this year.

That's a good one.

Thank you for that. I needed it.

Now come on. Join me for a drink. Hmm?

I'm serious, Lou.

People are dying, there's no time for a party.

Goddammit!

Ladies, ladies, I hear what you're saying,

but people die every day.

I mean, Walburg Easter only happens once a year.

Look at this.

-Jeanie... -The jackalope.

It's doing the same thing it did 150 years ago.

That's folklore.

Something we used to get the, uh, tourists into town.

Now, look, I'm off the clock, trying to enjoy a drink.

Why don't you just--

Lance is missing and I'm really fucking worried.

And I'd appreciate if you looked at the Goddamn photo.

Oopsie.

I'm sorry about Lance.

I truly am.

But now it's not the time or the place

to be starting trouble.

It's Easterpalooza. And besides it's, uh--

- Election year? - Selfish prick.

Seriously, you're not gonna help me?

No.

Well, thank you, Mr. Mayor,

for solidifying my repulsion for local government.

Ta-da!

Another successful fish fry.

No one even noticed they was frozen fish sticks

from the Food Mart.

And no one even noticed your Botox, Annie Sue.

Maybe by next Easter,

eyebrows will be able to move again.

Now go feed Big Jackie before you leave.

He must be hand fed, he doesn't eat off the ground

unlike you, you dirty, dirty tramp.

I may be a tramp,

but at least I don't covet thy neighbor's husband.

Pretty sure that's one of the big ten.

Everything's in there. Change of clothes, toothbrush.

I put some coconut water and fries in there for Jeanie

and a couple of extra batteries in case you miss me tonight.

Thanks, babe.

I know tonight was supposed to be our--

Don't worry about it.

You and Jeanie are on a mission.

Whatever you need to do, do it.

Well, promise me you and the kids

will stay inside tonight.

You want my club?

You know, for protection?

For entertainment?

You dirty, dirty caveman.

What? No!

Oh, Sally, you're a miracle worker.

God bless you.

We got Carrot Cake.

Delicious.

No! Carrot Cake.

Hello, most renowned Easter theme band

west of the Mississippi?

-They're legends. -Holy pastrami.

That's good news, baby.

I'm just so relieved

that everything is coming together.

Things have been so stressful ever since Annie Sue

started running against me on the church committee.

Honey bunny,

you know, I hate it when you're stressed out.

You know, your happiness...

that's my number one priority in life.

Lotion.

Yes, ma'am.

You hear about Jeanie?

Sounds like Lance left her for good.

I know. It's just so sad, isn't it?

But you know, Jeanie, she's a very pretty girl

and I'm sure all them stags are gonna be lining up

trying to stampede her pasturelands, oh!

I beg your pardon?

Nowhere near as beautiful as you, Marylou.

That's right. Now off to bed with you.

Yes, ma'am.

-Good night. -Nighty night.

Ow!

Good girl, Pooky.

Lancelot,

come and find your Guinevere.

Mrs. Cooper, you never showed up at the station.

Please call me back immediately.

I promise you don't want me to come look--

Okay, Miss Outlaw McGee,

sing me a bedtime lullaby with your guitar.

Music just makes me sad now.

Lance wished I never stopped playing.

Hey, we're gonna find him, Jeanie.

Maybe there's something in this old hag's diary.

"Dearest Lord,"

oh, blah, blah, blah.

"Sick kids, blah, blah, blah."

Oh, "I bartered my soul to Satan

so the true Easter Bunny can come

and bring joy to my sick children

before they wither to dust."

-Holy shit! -I know.

That got dark fast.

Do you know what this means?

Yeah, thank God for the smallpox vaccine.

Agnes got what she bargained for, Carol.

This could be the diary of the first jackalope.

Our town is at last free.

We must pray our descendants take heed.

Lest this jackalope, lest this creature...

reawakens, and condemn this world...

to...

a bloody Easter.

Agnes, you freaky bitch!

And now someone in this town

is locked on her face like a piece of jerky?

Well, that's obviously Marylou.

Come on.

I'm serious. Marylou is Satan.

Her and her church committee

totally burned down that Frosty Freeze

for staying open late on Sundays.

She tried to steal Lance from you back in high school.

Oh, and I still have that scar from her Tupperware party.

All very true.

But do you really think she's going around killing people?

Marylou could definitely kill people.

Nerve that bitch!

Here, eat.

Fucking stupid fat little piece of vermin.

Yee-haw!

Eat, dammit!

I hate you.

And your stupid mom.

I fucking hate Easter, Church Committee.

I hate you and your filthy little paws.

Fuck you! Fuck you!

Marylou!

Jeanie.

Jeanie.

Jeanie.

Jeanie! Jeanie!

Jeanie! Jeanie!

God, you scared the shot outta me.

Lance, he was--

Never mind.

We gotta go find Marylou.

My daddy says the best way to keep out a serial killer

is a solution, three parts pig blood,

one part ammonia.

Ladies, we did not allocate time for dilly dallying.

-But I am so scared. -Then why are you smiling?

This is just my face.

Another attack. Who was it?

It was Annie Sue.

Thank God. I mean--

You ain't the only one celebrating.

Uh, hey, Sally.

Where's your other half?

Marylou comes and goes as she pleases, but it's fine.

I don't mind doing all the work for none of the credit.

Speak of the devil-lope.

Look at this.

Oh, Sally, you've done a wonderful job.

Padlock is on, honey.

Hi, girls.

Hi, Marylou. I came to talk to you.

Is this about the bunny hop dance?

I noticed you haven't bought tickets yet.

No, this is about where you were when those kids died

or where you were when the Pinewood family pa--

I was here planning the biggest event of the year,

which some psychopath is determined to destroy.

And Annie Sue?

I don't like what you're implying.

Honey. Honey bunny...

You know what, Jeanie,

maybe you should spend a little less time playing detective

and a little more time saving that failing marriage of yours.

Lest Lance comes looking for greener pastures.

You know what, Marylou?

You're right. Carol.

Shit!

Do you think you can get me juice box or--

or that kind of fruit cup?

Maybe I could make it.

My girls.

Well, something tells me

we ain't gonna be wrapping Easter presents.

We're gonna get that ninja.

Sweet. Yeah, super normal.

And you never thought my nature shows would come in handy.

Shh! Here she comes! Get down!

Now!

- Where's my husband, rabbit? - I ain't no rabbit.

Prove it, bunny bitch!

We hunt the same game.

Now put those scissors down, Jeanie,

before I alter your ass like a loose patching gown.

-Megan Jennings? -In the flesh.

I thought you moved to Wyoming.

I also heard you're vegan now.

And you know what else is vegan? Rabbits!

I came back to kill that motherfucker.

But if y'all wanna stand in my way, go right ahead.

I ain't got no problem starting with the both of you.

Oh, Miss Teen Walburg over here talking shit.

Come with me if you cottontails wanna live.

-Uh-huh. -Whatever you say.

Yeah, okay.

You sure have a lot of weaponry for a pageant queen.

I'm not that girl anymore.

I'm the warrior who's gonna help save this piece of shit town.

Sorry, pumpkin, I was wondering

if your friends were gonna stay for dinner.

Sloppy Joes and Tots.

Real family of warriors you got.

I'm adopted.

So Miss Town Savior...

you know who the jackalope is?

Negative.

They might not even know what they are yet.

Young jackalopes are prone to memory loss and confusion.

Who wants Bagel Bites?

-Oh, I love Bagel Bites! -Privacy!

Wha-- Monster shows up and there's no time for a snack?

Thank you, sir.

Don't make a difference to me.

A monster's a monster and I'm gonna kill it.

Then you can have another foot for your creepy blood necklace.

Where'd you get the foot?

-A jackalope. -Obviously.

-I mean when? Recently? -Summer. Why?

Jackalope has half a foot

then maybe it does in human form.

Wow.

Really gonna have to start from scratch for you two.

Its limbs regenerate.

One could be smaller than the other

if it's still growing, but that's a long shot.

Well, then maybe the person we're looking for

has half a foot.

It certainly would be easier to kill it

-in its human form. -Well, then that's it.

- That's what we look for. - This is fun.

Guess where every Walburgonian is gonna be tonight?

No.

Looks like we're going to the bunny hop dance, ladies.

Please welcome the fabulous,

the irresistible

Miss Beatrice Bunny.

That is one sexy bunny.

Do you honeys know what time it is?

It's time for bunny hop!

Play the piano.

Hop, hop, hop.

Hop, hop, hop.

Hop, Hop.

Hop, hop, hop.

Marylou!

What's up, Walburg!

Carrot Cake is starting!

Are you ready to rock?

Yeah!

We rock you!

When I say Carrot, y'all say Cake.

- Carrot! - Cake!

- Carrot! - Cake!

Let's go!

Hey, not till we find that foot.

Even if Marylou has regular sized feet,

I'd still waterboard her.

If I know Marylou, her feet are fucked.

Y'all ready?

Let's do this.

Hi, sweetie.

Damn, Jeanie,

is your dress made out of the night sky or what?

-Carrot? -No, thank you, ma'am.

Jeanie!

I've been looking everywhere for you.

I thought you were banned from church related functions.

So you know the risk I'm taking by being here.

Look, I found something.

Is it Lance?

Well, no.

Then I'm busy.

Well, hey there, Jeanie.

Eugene.

Hey, can I have, uh, two appletinis, please?

I'd know better,

I suspect you're obstructing my investigation,

Mrs. Cooper.

Rest assured, when all said and done...

someone's gonna be behind bars.

Happy Easter.

That's good, brother. Thank you.

Oh, Mr. Mayor. Carrot?

Ah, don't mind if I do. Good for the old eyesight.

Oh, damn that shoe size. Damn.

Touch the shoes, lose that hand.

My goodness, Jeanie. Watch it.

Jeanie, are you okay?

What's up with your foot, Sally?

None of your business.

Get over here. Put your hands up.

Don't move.

All right. Thank you, Walburg!

Happy Easter! Let's go!

Carrot Cake! Carrot Cake!

Carrot Cake! Carrot Cake! Carrot Cake!

- Nine and a half? - Yes.

Hey, excuse us. Hey, I think I found the foot.

Amazing. Where's Jeanie?

Oh, come on.

The one time you want her to be at the bar.

Come on.

And he shall cast them into the furnace of fire.

There'll be wailing and gnashing of teeth.

Uh, Matthew 13:42.

Oh, thank you, your holiness.

But we'll-- we'll take it from here.

Hey, it's Sally. We got her.

Are-- are you sure?

I-- I could've swore I--

Come on! We gotta go get her.

Show us your foot.

But... why?

No! Not Mr. Hoppers!

Hey, you're gonna be next

if you don't start showing us some toes.

Hey, hey, hey. Leave this girl alone.

But she's got a tiny monster's foot.

She got her foot caught in a hay baler

when she was ten years old.

Don't you think she feels freakish enough?

Lou, jackalope has half a foot--

Jeanie, enough!

They were animal attacks. Clear and simple.

But fine.

If I had to figure someone to be guilty,

wouldn't be anyone here.

It'd be the person who's missing.

Think about that.

How you doing, Walburg?

Not right now, Sally.

It's time to judge

the funny bunny costume contest.

As we all know,

the winner gets to be the Easter Bunny

at tomorrow' celebration.

All right, so let's meet our contestants.

Let's hear it for contestant A!

Look at you!

What about

contestant B?

Jesus!

You guys have me standing next to a dead guy?

I warned all of you.

Now have a taste

of God's justice.

I implore you all

to cease your sinful ways.

Sinful?

We've been celebrating his glory.

Open your eyes, Marylou.

God is not happy.

God better be happy

'cause I have been working my ass off for him.

We will be all punished.

It is the end of days!

All right. All right. Everyone let's just calm down.

I mean, accidents happen.

You know, stress, that's the real killer

in this country, as you can see.

Tell you what, why don't we let the authorit--

I mean, my office...

...look into this and, uh,

y'all just head on home, get a little sleep.

That way we're all bright eyed and bushy tailed

for the main event.

Ain't that right, Marylou?

That's right, Mayor Lou.

Have a blessed evening, Walburg.

Everything-- everything's fine.

Fine.

Thank you. Get home safe.

-So, I guess we should-- -Yeah.

-Oh, God! -It's okay.

Sally!

Well, that sure as shit didn't go as planned.

What now?

I'm going home. It's over.

-You're just gonna give up? -What about Lance?

You heard what the mayor said in there about him.

Lance has nothing to do with this.

Look, I know you wanna defend him,

and I get that.

But for the past few years,

Lance has been nothing but lazy,

mean and drunk.

So what?

You think Lance is guilty now too?

Megan said memory loss

and confusion.

Guess who keeps waking up in weird places

not knowing how the hell they got there?

Sweetie, it's called sleep deprivation.

It's also called drinking too much.

And besides you have two gorgeously proportion feet.

-Jeanie. Jeanie. -Let her go.

-You don't think-- -She just needs to sleep it off.

I'll post up outside her place.

Keep an eye.

Shit! You're my ride, Megan!

Shit!

Well, Easter is ruined.

-I'm ruined. -Don't say that.

A bloody male corpse is a central theme

of every Easter.

It's very on brand.

Hey, those are for the town!

Yeah, well, Pooky is eating it.

Pooky is the gosh darn love of my life.

And what have you done for me lately, husband?

Now stop breathing all over my culinary achievements

and get out!

on my heart.

That's okay.

I can't do it.

About time.

Goddammit Sam!

You gonna get somebody killed.

I tried to tell you at the dance,

I am this close to finding its layer.

Okay, I've been doing a lot of research.

I found all these old articles

from the first time this happened.

Kids, Jeanie, kids are next.

Then go kill it.

Get on with it then.

Well, but I thought that you know, you wanna come.

You thought wrong, Sam.

I don't have time for your theories.

You're a freak!

Lance is the only one who likes you and he's gone.

So get the hell off my porch and leave me the fuck alone!

Lance?

Lance?

No.

It's not me!

It's not me!

It's not me!

It's not me!

Lance!

-You're alive. -Am I?

What are you doing?

I'm looking for something I left behind.

Oh, Lance, I've been so worried.

Why is that, huh?

You did this to me.

Shit!

You've been pushing me away.

You've been pushing me away for a long time.

I wanna fix this.

-Please, please tell me-- -You can't!

You know, I was about halfway to New Mexico.

I had to turn around, I had to look you in your eyes

so you could see the man that you broke.

Damn it, Jeanie, how could you lay in that bed

after what you did?

-I haven't. -How am I supposed to believe

anything that you say?

-Lance, please, we can-- -Don't fucking touch me!

Here, bunny, bunny.

Here, bunny FuFu hopping through the street.

Come and meet my crossbow, and die at my feet.

You have no idea what it's like to be betrayed

by the only woman you ever cared about.

Oh, Lance.

I tried to pull myself up!

Feels like my heart's being ripped out of my chest.

You're gonna have to do better than that, you furry fucker!

We can get through this.

We can get through anything if we just talk.

I have nothing left to say to you, Jeanie.

Well, you can't just leave without me,

letting me say my piece.

I am done listening to you.

The only thing left to do now...

is to kill that son of a bitch!

No, Lance, please wait.

Don't. Wait. Wait.

Lance! Lance!

Megan. No, Megan.

Hey! Marylou doesn't like running.

I don't know if I wanna do this.

That's too bad, the actual winner of the contest

was brutally murdered so you are all we got.

So listen here Josh boy, this is a great honor.

Your whole life has been leading up to this moment.

Bring honor to Palooza.

Being the gosh darned Easter Bunny.

Now I want you to say it, "I am the Easter Bunny!"

I am the Easter Bunny.

I am the bunny!

Good.

Now I want you to go out there,

show those kids some wonder.

All I have is wonder in my heart.

Yeah.

Check.

Okay, this will be fun.

Bunny hands.

Who wants to meet the Easter Bunny?

Me!

All right, come on, let's go find him.

Come on, let's go find him.

Five, six, seven, eight.

Hey! Stop it!

Or I'm gonna shove these baskets so far up your rectum

you would shit liquid for a month.

Hey, hey, where the hell have you been?

Is this Megan's jacket?

Y'all need to get the hell out of here.

The jackalope, he's targeting kids next.

And Lance's back.

Did he fucking do something to you?

No, he didn't do this to me. I did this to him.

Carol.

I cheated.

-That's why he left. -What?

When? How? What the hell?

I know. It's all my fault.

But I don't wanna do any more damage.

There's no damage. Shit! You think he's the jackalope?

I don't know, it just all makes perfect sense.

But I've gotta stop him now.

He's not here, honey.

What about Lou?

Yo, Lou.

Mr. Mayor!

Lance Cooper as I live and breathe.

I was wondering when we'd have ourselves a little chat.

Oh, good, nothing worth the while

would come out of your mouth anyway.

Probably why Jeanie came around looking for

a little something extra.

Son of a bitch! Son of a bitch!

Jeanie deserves better than both of us.

Well, honestly, you can have her.

She's gone little batshit since you left anyway.

Do you mind?

Well, you need to take it easy, cowboy.

Don't make me split that pretty little head in two.

Show everyone here how little there is inside.

You know what, leave the family heirlooms alone.

I'm gonna step outside for a jiff,

let y'all figure that out.

-I've been doing her a favor. -Get on with it.

Carol, you gotta get out of here.

Jim, it's time to go!

Oh, but I haven't.

Come on.

That's unusual.

Everybody!

Run!

Run!

Come on!

Save Easter!

Fuck Easter!

- Cheers! - Cheers.

Cheers!

Not the Bagel Bites!

Holy hell! Sally?

Not my pearls.

Oh, my God!

What happened? Talk to me.

Bunnies. Bunnies of hell!

Jesus! You, come on. We gotta do something.

You got this, cowboy,

I-- I'm gonna stay right here with her.

-The girl needs looking at. -Shit, man, gimme your gun.

A gentleman is never parted with his pistol.

Mr. Mayor, so chivalrous.

Well, the captain goes down with his ship.

Captain. My captain.

Shoot it!

It's not loaded.

Fucking Easter.

Please, no, no, no, no.

You-- you can't kill me, Easter Bunny.

Fucking Easter.

Oh, God.

Come on. We gotta help those people.

Lance, it's not you.

- You are not him. - What? Huh? Come on.

Get the fuck out of here.

Jeanie!

No! Lance!

No! No! No!

-No! No! -Jeanie!

No!

Ah! Fuck.

What can I give of myself

to be pardon for their sins?

Help!

Help!

Somebody!

Help!

Somebody!

Lance?

Nicey! I knew I'd find you.

Oh, Sam, you beautiful asshole.

Oh, I missed you, buddy.

Hey, looks like the jackalope has chosen you

for a special execution.

Dude, are you lucky or what?

Yeah, I'm a real lot winner, Sam.

My leg's busted. I-- I can't walk.

No problemo, friendo.

Okay, lay of the land...

Huh, hey, we got kind of

a tricky landscape here.

What?

It's like three feet.

Hey, you know I never made it out of Walburg.

Just, give me a second to figure this out.

Triangulate.

Okay, sun's there, which means--

Shit, you know what? I'm gonna go get help, okay?

-Two seconds. -Wait, Sam!

Sam, you-- you can't leave me here.

Sam, wait! Wait!

Sam!

Fuck!

Fucking Marylou.

Oh, just kill me!

I have nothing to live for anyway.

That monster bopped my sweet Pooky on the head,

and sent her to the good Lord.

Oh, Pooky.

Marylou, I promise she's in a much better place, okay?

I-- I really, really mean that.

Code red! Code red! Code red!

I found Lance. I found Lance.

He's over the yonder. He's in the creek bed.

He's in real bad shape.

Take us to him right now.

See, I knew y'all needed me.

-Oh, I'm coming too. -No, you're definitely not.

What kinda help could you possibly be?

This kind.

Jesus, Marylou,

are you in some kind of militia for Christ?

Um, is that a grenade?

Guns don't kill people, I do.

Sam? Sam? Sam, is that you?

Son of a bitch.

Oh, hey there, Lance.

No, it's not Sam, it's me.

Oh, you Eugene, thank God.

Well, well, well twisted my tongue to licorice.

Don't tell me that old football ACL injury

- is acting up on you. - Yeah.

Give me a hand now, would you?

I mean...

as long as you say the magic word.

Come on, jackass.

Quit playing around. Help me out.

Those ain't the magic words at all.

Manners...

they go a long way.

It ain't jackass, jackass.

It's...

You're the--

...jackalope!

Jackalope!

And you're shitting blood eggs?

Hey, I dug a hole first,

and it's perfectly fucking natural!

Now I know what you're thinking, Lance.

I did all this for love.

Every year she works herself into a tizzy

over this collusion nonsense.

And everyone in this God forsaken town

makes her miserable.

And what about me?

But I never did a thing to Marylou.

She lusts for you.

And now that that filthy Pooky is gone,

and you gone, she'll have no choice

but to let me back in her bed forever.

Get him, girl.

Hey you!

Oh, hey there, Jeanie.

Eugene?

You took my Pooky from me.

Now there'd be no more distraction for our love.

If you were the less man on earth,

I still wouldn't love you.

Is that right?

You wouldn't hurt wifey now, would you?

Wifey who makes me eat from a fucking bowl

on the ground while you and Pooky eat at the table!

It's backwards, Marylou!

Pooky is a dog, I'm a man.

Now I don't see a man.

I see a fur ball

who's lost the little respect I had for him.

Well, I ain't no fur ball, I'm the jackalope.

A jackalope that's fixing

to teach his wife a little lesson.

A bit outnumbered, aren't you?

Yeehaw!

Yeehaw!

Come on, you piece of junk.

No, no, no.

Son of a bitch can never do anything for himself.

He was always a little off.

Do y'all remember playing whack-a-mole?

Hell, yeah. You bet ya.

Let's do this. Go!

Hey, Eugene!

You said you were a man,

get back here and fight like a man!

Little help down here?

- Lance? - Marylou!

Eugene!

Hey, Jeanie?

Die you stupid rabbits!

What the-- Oh, my God!

Oh, baby.

I'm coming.

Oh, God, baby.

-Pull. -I'm trying to--

-I can't. -Oh, God!

Baby, I'm sorry. Baby, come on.

Jeanie! Jeanie!

The head. It has to be the head.

Sam!

Goddammit! Sam!

Fuck you, you goddarn jackalope!

Goddammit, Sam.

No! Oh, fuck's sake.

And the dick? Oh, fuck.

Goddammit, Sam! No!

You figured it out, buddy. You figured it out.

For Walden.

Walburg.

Oh.

No.

Kids, stay in the car!

Hot potato.

Oh, my God.

- Oh, my God, Carol. Carol. - Stay here.

Oh, gross.

All the people that come for when I'm dying.

Fuck you!

Fuck you!

Shut your stupid mouth,

you ain't gonna die.

You little shit!

The rabbits, they got eyes on the sides of their heads.

320 degree field of vision.

Oh, Carol,

do you want your last words to be some stupid animal fact?

Listen, bitch! They got a blind spot.

Baby mamacita, you are a genius.

You're darn right tootin', she is.

Where are the kids?

They're in the car. Don't worry.

They have their iPads.

Okay. Are you okay?

-Yeah. I'm kind of sweating. -Okay.

Okay. I killed that fucking bunny.

Yeah, you could see me. I-- I was looking real manly.

Oh, later. Jim, later.

Okay.

Hey, husband!

What is it, Marylou?

What can I do for you now?

You can die.

Where did you go?

Hey! Stop! Where'd you go?

I'll shoot you in the face.

I can't see you when you stand there.

But I can see you just fine.

Kill him, Jeanie, kill him!

Jeanie.

Happy Easter, Jeanie.

Happy Easter, bitch.

Can't be too careful, you know?

Yeah.

Sure, totally.

Hey, y'all, would-- would you get me outta here?

This thing's looking at me.

- Come on, baby. - Easy, easy.

Come on.

I got you.

Hello.

I'm here bleeding out.

I'm coming, baby mamacita.

Dammit!

It's a lot of blood.

It's okay. You will be all right.

Carol!

-Oh, shit! -Oh, fuck!

It's okay. Marylou looked after me.

We're friends now.

-Good. Good. -Awfully nice of you.

Okay, now get me to a fucking hospital!

All right. All right. Get her up. Get her up.

Get her up. Let's go. Let's go.

You look like shit.

I know. I know.

Don't touch me. Don't touch me.

I don't wanna touch you.

- Hi, Lance. - How you doing, Marylou?

Hey.

Hey.

How are you two feeling?

Not even two major surgeries

can keep this minx down on Shark Week.

And it's only reruns.

Oh, my God. Not in front of the kids.

Hey, y'all.

Fucking Marylou.

God, I love her.

I know it's been a difficult couple weeks for everyone.

Not everyone is here who should be.

Friends, family...

dogs.

But we are Walburgonians,

and we can get through anything.

Let's remember everyone we lost along the way.

Since we no longer have a pastor to eulogize, everyone,

please welcome my friend Jeanie Cooper.

Thank you, Marylou.

Hey, y'all.

Um...

well, um, I'm not the best with words...

but I had a few things to say about Megan.

She was someone who thought she was alone in this world.

She gave her life for this town.

And I hope she knows how much this town loved her back.

She was my friend...

and I'm gonna miss her.

So many special souls we've lost,

including Sam McCormick...

a true gift to the conspiracy world.

Sally Beans, a trusted assistant.

Annie Sue, the go-getter.

Mayor Lou...

Selfish prick.

And so, so many more.

May their memories...

always bring us joy.

Maybe a bit rusty...

but, uh...

this goes out to everyone we've lost this Easter.

We'll miss you.

Oh, Jeanie, that was wonderful.

Oh, for fuck's sake!

That's not good.

You think, honey?

Go, go, go, go, go, go!

Well, shit!

Yep.