Original subtitles

- [Narrator] Tonight on Wiseguy.

- The first thing I'd like you to do

is deal with the Terranova problem.

- What Terranova problem?

- He's a criminal.

(accordion music)

- There is a crisis in this room.

- There are guys out there that aren't so happy.

- If this crisis finds its way to our family,

I will return to the business.

You do not want that.

- You came all the way out here to tell us

leave a guy alone that we ain't even bothering.

(gunfire)

(dramatic music)

(accordion music)

- The government has arrived to track revenues

and with an estate the size Mrs. Twine is inheriting,

we want to make sure she knows

the taxes on it could reach seven figures.

- The will is in probate.

It could be tied up for a year.

- Better for your client to be aware of me now

so there's no funny business.

- Hey look here, I took out a second mortgage

on my building so that I could pay the back taxes.

Now does that sound like somebody who's trying to cheat you?

- No offense, but your late husband

made a career out of gypping the government.

- Ah this is totally uncalled for, Grondike.

- We'll simply continue investigating

the little lady's company.

- Oh I love it when you talk dirty.

- I'm not surprised, considering

some of the shady characters you've done business with.

- Just put it in the bedroom back there will ya?

- You're gonna have sound like Carnegie Hall

when I get done, you know that?

Next stop's that apartment on Fernley Road,

then you're done for the day.

- Gotcha, see you tomorrow Al.

- Righto.

Part of the quality's the speakers you bought,

but it's the house too, what is this place?

50, 60 years old?

Great acoustics whatever it is.

Is there something the matter?

- I know you, from high school, Mount Carmel right?

You're Al Merullo aren't ya?

- And you're Petey Terranova's brother right?

- Yeah yeah, Vinnie how you doing?

- God I was real sorry to hear about your brother.

- Yeah, yeah.

I remember you from high school man.

You were the best tight end I ever saw.

You know I spent my whole freshman year

trying to be like you?

I even tried to run like you.

- I had great legs huh?

- You could've been another Ditka.

- Well I could still have the heart attack.

- You know it's not bad enough for these guys

that Isaac had a coronary.

They want to give me one too.

- Didn't you ever talk to Isaac

about the living trust I suggested?

- Yeah I talked to him about it

and he listened, he always listened

and then I guess he still wound up thinking

well when I die she's going to get everything anyway so...

Isaac, why, didn't you know this was all

gonna come down on my head?

- Amber, come on please.

Don't tear yourself up.

We can get past this.

- How?

- How is my department.

- I just don't like being so dependent on you.

- Don't worry, your image is intact.

You're still the most self-sufficient woman I know

and the most appealing.

- It's nice to know the bloom isn't off the rose.

I doubt the IRS is going to give a damn about that.

- I started taking steps the moment I got wind

of what they had in store for you

to build you as much protection as possible.

Now the first thing I'd like you to do

is deal with the Terranova problem.

- What Terranova problem?

- He's a criminal, a felon.

One of those shady characters

that keeps you under the IRS microscope.

- Roger, he's a friend.

He did nothing but good for Shakala while Isaac was alive

and he's been there for me ever since Isaac died.

- He may be a good guy, but he carries baggage.

For Shakala's sake, you should sever ties

with Mr. Terranova immediately.

- Vinnie.

Vinnie's been good to me, Roger.

- Yeah I had a ton of schools chasing me

to play football then.

Notre Dame, Boston College, Penn.

- I'm surprised you didn't just take your wife

along with you, she could've led cheers for you.

- Pregnant?

No way Vin.

I didn't even stick around Mount Carmel

and finish my senior year.

Priest thought that a high school father

would corrupt the school.

It was the dark ages then.

So I dropped out and got a job delivering

for my old man's lumber company.

- I remember something like that.

- Besides I played enough semi-pro football

and rec league hoops to figure out

my body would only last so many years,

but Connie my wife, I knew she'd always be at home

to give me a big kiss when I come through the door.

- What, she didn't' want you to run IBM?

She didn't want to run it herself?

- No, never entered her mind.

She's happy just raising three best kids in the world.

That's harder than running a business.

Can't fire your kids, right?

- Well that's true.

- But, she is gonna have my butt on a platter

if I don't get to the market

and get some of Mr. DeSorbio's sausage for dinner.

Hey, why don't you come eat with us tonight?

You can tell the kids what a stud

their old man used to be huh?

- I don't know, I don't know.

A guy like me with my reputation.

You know, might upset the neighbors.

- What are you talking about?

I got uncles who make you look like St. Francis of Assisi.

Besides, Connie would love to meet Pete's brother.

(phone rings)

- Hello.

- Vinnie it's me.

- Hey how you doing?

Can you hold on for a second?

I got a friend here who's just out the door.

Hold on a minute.

What time for dinner?

- Seven, bring your appetite.

- All right I'll see you then.

Hello?

- Vinnie I don't want to offend you.

It's important that you understand that.

- I don't think you could offend me even if you wanted to.

- Well I need you to sign a statement

saying that you're no longer connected with Shakala.

My lawyer insists on it.

- Hey Amber, Amber, this is me remember?

Terranova with two Rs, you don't have to explain anything.

I told you I'd try to help you

anyway I could and I meant it.

Just have the guy draw up the papers

and send them over, I'll sign 'em.

On one condition.

- What's that?

- I still get to see you.

- You got a deal.

Thanks Vinnie.

- Okay, goodbye.

(emotional music)

(sighs)

- Damn.

(upbeat music)

- There's two seconds left right?

40,000 people screaming at the top of their lungs.

Mount Carmel's down by five points.

It's pouring rain outside,

the ball is like a greased pig.

So the quarterback takes the ball

and he heaves a hail Mary into the end zone

but it's 20 yards from where

your old man's running his pattern,

so he races over to it with three guys hanging all over him.

He reaches out with one hand, one, his bad hand

and he snatches it right out of the sky.

So we beat Brother Rice and win the championship.

- Really?

- Hey would I lie to you, huh?

- That's great Dad!

- Ah you'll make a better catch someday.

- Not if he doesn't get to bed right now.

Time to hit the road, pal.

- Come on Mom!

- Tammy march him upstairs, will ya?

And check his homework.

- All right.

- And tell your big sister she melts that tape

or she don't have to bother coming home from school anymore.

- Hey, we'll get the ball out tomorrow little Al

and we'll throw it around huh?

- Okay Dad, goodnight. - Goodnight buddy.

Goodnight sweetheart. - Goodnight.

- You listen to your big sister now.

- Goodnight.

- I'll be up to check you.

- Thank you Tammy.

- 40,000 people?

- So I'm not very good with numbers, so what?

- I liked the touch with the bad hand, that was smooth.

(sighs)

- Thank God.

- See what you're missing?

Noise, dirty dishes, kids who don't think they need sleep.

I love it.

- You don't have a family, you don't leave

anything behind when you die.

That's what Al always says.

So there a story about why you're not married yet?

- Honey come on.

- Aren't you gonna ask me if I liked your sauce or not?

- Hey, I saw where your dinner went.

No sense asking a question I already know the answer.

- I told you she was a pistol.

- I just wanna know what the deal is with you and the girls.

Or do you like boys, huh Vinnie?

- Yeah right--

- Marie come on whoa whoa.

- Yeah I like boys.

- I'm just asking, just asking.

Now what's her name?

Come on Vinnie, what's her name?

Hey turn that down!

What is it with you kids?

How many times, your father's coming upstairs!

- [Al] Lights out!

(knocking)

- Vincent Terranova?

- Yeah, why didn't you just use the front door?

- People don't open the front door for guys like me, here.

(emotional music)

- What?

(somber music)

- [Man] The contract gives the band a release option

in the event of a management change.

- There's no management change, I'm right here.

- Yeah you are, but with Isaac gone.

Look my boys just want to sign

with a label that's got a little more clout.

- The boys, when they couldn't get a gig

to sing happy birthday Isaac and I stuck right by them.

- Hey I'm a loyalist to a point,

but the band's interests are what I have to think about.

I'm sorry.

- It's all right.

- No hard feelings?

- Haven't got many of them left.

(sighs)

God.

- We can probably tie Lenny's band to the option clause.

- I don't want anybody working with me against their will.

- Hope I'm not interrupting anything here.

- Vinnie hi this is Roger-- - Mr. Terranova.

I'm Roger Totland, Mrs. Twine's lawyer.

- [Vinnie] You the one I should thank for this?

- What is that?

- It's a restraining order.

- A restraining order?

- Yeah, Mr. Totland here sent me an official warning

to stay away from this company.

And you.

- Roger how could you do something like that

without asking me?

You are my lawyer, not my guardian.

- It has nothing to do with Mr. Terranova personally.

It's just a legal device to protect you.

- You need protection from me?

- No, I didn't know anything about this.

I mean Roger doesn't know anything

about the arrangement that you had with Isaac and me.

- Isaac was a flamboyant character with exotic tastes.

You're a widow trying to keep your company afloat.

You can't afford to freelance the way he did.

- I would do nothing to jeopardize Shakala.

- But your criminal record does.

This could lead to government scrutiny,

something Shakala doesn't need.

Maybe you should see his record.

(sighs) - I've seen it.

Well when you sold the dog records to us,

I needed to know what we were getting into.

- You see that?

I got nothing to hide.

- As your lawyer, I have to tell you

that associations of this kind

carry the taint of illegitimacy.

I'm sure you've had ample experience with blind justice

and unpleasant publicity.

Your curriculum vitae?

- I don't need any nickel and dime career analysis from you.

- You're a loyal friend of Amber's,

so I'm sure you'll have no problem signing this.

It simply absolves Mrs. Twine of responsibility

for any illegal activity you may have been

involved in during your tenure here.

- Do you want me to sign this?

- He's covering my butt.

- Well I'll have my lawyer look at it.

I don't like this guy.

- He's a Park Avenue lawyer, nobody likes him.

- He's got an attitude.

- [Man] Not an indictable offense my friend.

- Yeah well he's using Amber.

- Oh you don't know that.

- I can feel it.

- Being a little territorial aren't we Vinnie?

- And what's that supposed to mean?

- Look, this guy Totland may just be

trying to make a strong willed woman

believe that he can take better care of her

than she can herself.

You sure you're not trying to prove the same thing?

- Amber and I have a professional relationship.

- Yeah, so did Napoleon and Josephine.

- Hey what are you, Dr. Ruth?

Why don't you give it a rest?

(laughs)

- [Amber] So when did the show close?

- [Woman] It didn't I just couldn't take it anymore.

- So two years of dinner theater

must have seemed like an eternity.

- I told my agent, if I had to sing Sunrise Sunset

one more time while the audience was sawing away

at their prime rib, my next performance

was going to be suicide.

(laughs)

So, here I am.

Reading for every part in town.

- I'm glad you're home, Zoe

but you don't really need to stay here do you?

- I told you, my sublet isn't up for another week.

The guy won't vacate any sooner.

You're gonna throw me out?

- No I'm not gonna throw you out,

it just seems a little funny.

I mean you have other girlfriends in town.

I think you want to babysit me.

- They're all actresses and they're either

after the same part I'm after

or they're agonizing over their last

failed affair or their next gray hair.

I'm not looking for a competitor.

I'm looking for a babysitter.

(laughs)

- Well then you brush your teeth

and you study your lines, or no TV.

- Okay.

- Okay.

All right, so I'm gonna be back in a few hours

and then we can schmooze about everything.

I look okay?

- You look great.

This guy special?

- Strictly business.

- May I help you sir?

- Yeah, I want to leave these for Mrs. Twine okay?

- Evening Mrs. Twine.

- Evening Charles.

- Hi.

- Hi.

- I was just in the neighborhood and...

I wanted to give you these.

- Oh Vinnie.

Thank you.

- You're welcome.

- Peace offering?

- I just didn't want you to think I was mad at you.

- Okay.

- Can I buy you a cup of coffee?

- Vin, I've got an appointment.

- Well let me drive you.

- No that's okay, I can take a cab.

- What do you want to do, hurt my feelings

twice in the same day?

You know that wasn't a very nice thing you did.

- What, I didn't do anything.

- Well somebody did.

- Vinnie, look I don't know

how many times I have to tell you this.

Roger was only doing what he thought

was in my best interest.

I don't know how I can make it any clearer than that.

- Okay.

Apology accepted.

- What apology?

Well goodnight, thank you.

- Goodnight. - Goodnight.

(engine sputters)

- Come on you.

(engine revs)

(horn honks)

All right all right I'm going!

(tires squeal)

- You could have financial security

for the rest of your life.

Why don't you let me find you a buyer for Shakala?

- Now why would I want you to find me a buyer

for Shakala Roger?

- So you won't have to wage any more wars.

- All I want to do is run Shakala.

It's the only thing that I can reach out

and touch to remind me that

Isaac and I made our dream happen.

- Maybe you should pursue new dreams.

Just think about what I said, would you?

- I'm tired of thinking.

Sometimes I feel like I just want to

hitch a ride on a magic carpet.

- See, that's exactly what I'm talking about.

You've always been the anchor at Shakala

and I know what it's taken out of you.

But I think you're more beautiful than ever.

- Oh, you said that before and never followed up on it.

- That was 12 years ago.

I was young and selfish.

Marriage wasn't an option.

- Isaac always said that that meant the best man had won.

- Ouch.

- Ooh.

We remained friends though.

I always thought that made you real special.

- I want to be a lot more special, Amber.

- Wanting to and being able to

are two completely different things.

- I understand that now.

- What's the occasion?

- Oh it's no occasion really.

I need a card that makes a point you know?

- Well what's the point you want to make?

- You see I know this woman and she's too smart

for her own good.

She's got a head like a rock.

I'm trying to help her out with something

and she won't listen to anything I say.

- Well what you want is a book.

That way if she won't read it,

you can hit her on the head with it.

It's a problem in relationships.

- Yeah.

What about this one here?

Yeah that one.

- Been a bestseller for months

but I'll be damned if I know why.

It's utter claptrap.

- That's all right.

All she's gotta do is read the title.

- That gentleman from earlier tonight

stopped by with a couple of things for you.

They're right here.

He didn't leave a note or anything.

- He didn't have to.

Would you have some of this?

You're making me feel guilty here.

- I've got two auditions today.

- How do you stand it after all these years?

- What?

- The constant preparation

and the constant rejection, I don't get it.

- I view it positively.

Professional rejection keeps me so depressed

I don't think about all the other things I'm missing.

- What like love, marriage, and the baby carriage?

- Mhmm, yeah.

- Uh-huh yeah?

(laughs)

I never thought I'd hear you say that.

So are there any possibilities?

- One.

He's what I would call deeply trivial.

Why do they always disappoint you?

- With your track record when it comes to men

hasn't been exactly brilliant over the years.

- Slim pickings!

You'll find out.

- I'm not looking.

- You've got needs, just like me

and I'm not talking about hormonal urges.

I'm talking that dark, forbidding, neurotic need of women

that strikes terror in the hearts of men

everywhere the C word, commitment!

- You are so crazy.

I figure if they can't stand the heat,

they should get out of the kitchen.

- Sometimes you are so damn tough, you know that?

You are so sure of yourself.

God before Isaac came along I was convinced

you'd make somebody a better husband than a wife.

- Just feel so lost sometimes.

I never felt like that before.

- I feel that way every day.

- Why don't I find that comforting?

- So the one who brings flowers

to the business dinner, would I like him?

- Gee I don't know.

- Good men should be recycled you know?

- Roger Totland comes from an immigrant family.

They landed at Plymouth Rock.

Since then they've just been sitting around amassing wealth

and naturally Roger joined his dad's firm

which is squeaky clean.

It's blue blood money, blue chip clients.

Federated Motors, Unideck, Digitel Electronics, et cetera.

- Yeah I get the picture, Frank.

- Listen if you've got so much energy

we'll give you an investigation.

You can burn some of it off.

- I'm tired of being a voyeur in other people's lives.

You can't just give up one life

and go back to your old one like that.

- Maybe it's time you came in out of the cold

and stopped going undercover.

- No, that's not it.

- Is there something else going on here?

- Now why does everybody keep implying

that I'm some kind of a lovesick puppy?

Amber's my friend.

I'm just trying to help her.

- I didn't say anything about Amber Twine.

- I guess I did.

- Well I wouldn't worry about it.

In my limited experience,

when a woman doesn't want you to be confused anymore

she unconfuses you very fast.

I think the smart ones let

you think you've done it yourself.

- Yeah, well what about the smart lawyers Frank?

'Cause I know this Totland is bad news.

- But he has to be doesn't he Vince?

He's the competition.

- I'm gonna get you Roger.

- Yes!

- Ah it's not the first time.

How many games in a row is that anyway?

- 15, you wanna go again?

Or would you rather see if we can make some new friends?

- I'd rather get an update on Amber Twine.

- Not necessary.

The Unideck project is in the bag.

All I need her to do is sign on the dotted line.

- Yeah well I thought she was

supposed to be the sentimental type.

You know, dig in her heels

at the first mention of redevelopment.

- Women are easy.

- I guess blondie out here won't be much of a challenge.

(chuckles)

- I want to thank you for reasoning out the situation.

Ah, just one more and we'll be finished.

This will be a major relief for Amber.

- Yeah I bet.

She can discuss it over one of those

cozy little candlelit dinners of yours.

- You were spying on me?

Boy you got some big brass, Vinnie.

- Look if you want to be a puppet for this guy,

that's fine with me.

- Hey I make my own decisions.

If I want to sell Shakala and get out of the business,

that's my concern, not yours.

You understand what I'm saying to you?

I do what I want.

- You're selling the company?

- Yeah that's right Vinnie.

Read my lips, I'm selling the company,

I'm getting out of the business.

I'm tired of the wars.

- What are you after her or her money?

Where did you find this guy, Yuppies R Us?

- Oh that's it, get out of here!

- She is getting a premium price for the business.

Enough to cover her inheritance tax

and leave a very comfortable sum to enjoy,

which makes me wonder if you might not be the one

trying to ride her financial coattails.

- I'm not the one with the overhead.

- Oh why don't you punch him in the nose?

That'd be a typical solution for you wouldn't it?

- What are you trusting this guy

with your cranium or your crotch?

(emotional music)

- Have you read this? - What?

No, oh god no.

- The obsessive female subconsciously desires

mistreatment by men because she believes

though won't admit it, that it is what she deserves.

The cycle of subservience continues therefore

because it fulfills the training

she received from her mother.

- Oh please.

Sounds like this Dr. Kirk had his id stepped on

a few too many times by his mother.

- What does that say about your friend Vinnie?

He gave you this mysto battle.

I have three analysts that could

make a full time project out of him.

- You know doll this is kind of

required reading for me right now.

- Sorry.

- I never considered my life in terms of gross market value.

- [Zoe] What?

- I mean Shakala was never based on accumulating money.

I mean even when times were bad, we lived well.

I never stopped to think about what it was worth.

- So what are you worth?

- Net.

Net after inheritance taxes and commissions

and attorneys fees, capital gains?

Zoe, 11 million dollars cash.

(laughs)

- Don't be too impressed by that money.

It's a terrible trap.

- Oh really?

Well this is a trap I could learn to live with.

- Yeah you can learn to live alone with it.

Being completely self-sufficient means

you never have to commit to anybody or anything.

It gets you thinking that non-commitment

is the safest investment.

(sighs)

And it brings you zero return.

- Doing that already.

I'm sitting here compartmentalizing my life.

I'm creating a portfolio of relationships

to fit with my new financial status.

- Right.

Let's just see what you've got here.

You've got the Totland file,

and you've got the Terranova file.

Now with Totland, you've got the Dunhill suit

and the velvet tongue.

Trained in New Haven to understand

matters of money only too well.

And in the Terranova file,

you've got a foul mouthed grease monkey

who thinks Hallmark is the answer

to every crisis of emotion

and when that doesn't work, he makes

obscene remarks about your personal parts.

- He was angry though, I don't even think

he knew what he was saying--

- Ah, first you slap the guy

and now you're making excuses for him?

Seems to me he's your emotional choice.

When I move back to my place,

who's going to help you think about these things?

(emotional music)

- Roger's just protecting me.

Roger.

Let's see what's on your curriculum vitae.

Yale.

Yale this, pal.

Crew, skull and bones?

Sounds like a southside home invader.

Full partner at age 30.

Oh that's very impressive.

Full of crap for a lifetime.

Blue chip clients, Federated Motors,

Unideck, Digitel Electronics.

Unideck?

Unideck.

- I've been over it all.

The agreement's in order

and my secretary marked the

appropriate places for you to sign.

- Great.

(phone rings)

Oh excuse me.

Hello.

- [Secretary] Mr. Terranova's on the line.

- All right, put him through.

Hi I'm right in the middle of a meeting.

- Real sorry about what happened yesterday.

- Me too.

- And there's no excuse for saying what I did to you.

I'm just glad you don't weigh 200 pounds.

- So am I.

- I'm telling you, you've got one hell of a right.

I got this big welt on my face.

- Look, can we talk about this later?

I'm right in the middle of all this.

- Yeah all right, sure.

Listen, do you know that Unideck

is buying up the buildings around your block?

- Yeah I've seen some signs.

- Well people are losing their livelihoods.

- Yeah and your point is what?

- Your friend's law firm represents Unideck.

Amber?

Amber.

- Thank you.

Unideck?

Get out, Roger.

- Amber please.

- Get out.

- You're not being rational.

- I'm not being rational?

Mr. Schmilling, after executing this purchase

does your firm intend to resell the company to Unideck?

- Why would we do that?

- Gee I don't know.

Then I guess nobody has any objections

to an addendum to this agreement

giving me the right of first refusal to buy back Shakala

should you want to sell at any time over the next 10 years.

- Amber we've got a deal on the table you accepted.

Now we can't go back and renegotiate.

You're throwing away millions.

- Oh no I'm not, I still have my company.

What I am throwing away Roger is

your commission and you, now get out.

- Amber listen, just take a second.

- Take a walk.

- Forget it Roger, I don't think you

handle this woman too well.

- [Roger] Mr. Schmilling, please,

please we can make this work.

- Is it coming through okay?

- [Vinnie] Yeah I got it.

- Excuse me.

I'm looking for Vinnie Terranova?

- Hey Vin, you better get out here.

- How you doing?

- I'm still in business.

You were right about Roger.

- I know.

- Oh well there's a gracious acceptance speech.

Here's your book back.

- Did you read it?

- I didn't read it, I couldn't get past the cover.

- What are you so mad about?

- I'm not mad. - Yes you are.

- No I'm not. - Yes you are.

You're mad and you're stubborn.

I practically begged you not to buy into that guy's act,

but he buys you a little candlelight dinner

and some champagne and all of a sudden

you can't think straight anymore.

- Oh I can think just fine.

- Yeah you could've fooled me.

- That's a short trip.

- Help me out here will ya?

- You just stay out of this okay please?

What am I supposed to do, gush gratitude?

- Who you, no I doubt it.

- I should've mailed you the stupid book.

- [Vinnie] So why didn't you?

- I don't know you're Mr. Insight,

why don't you tell me?

- 'Cause you wanted to see me, that's why.

- Fine, I've seen you so I'm leaving.

- Oh good, good I'm thrilled.

- Good I'm ecstatic.

- Okay fine, good.

- Well since you two are so happy,

why don't you come over tonight?

My wife's making manigot, specialty of the house.

- You want me to go with her?

What are you out of your mind?

I'd rather stay here and eat razor blades.

- Well that might improve your personality.

- I thought you were leaving.

- I am, I'm out of here. - Good.

- Hey where you going?

You're not gonna let a little joust

like this ruin everything.

(chuckles)

- All the kids, even the girls.

It's like they were born with ants in their pants.

Hey hey hey, and this guy here,

you should see how he gets around.

God I swear he's part monkey.

Climbing in trees, climbing fences, climbing ladders.

I keep telling big Al here,

we're going to have to install safety nets

under everything that's more than a foot off the ground.

- Looks like he's gonna be an athlete huh?

- Yeah well you know that's what Al was.

Best looking guy I ever saw in a pair of shoulder pads

and out of 'em?

Boy you should have seen him when he was 17 years old.

- Hey I haven't heard any complaints lately.

- Let's go get ice cream, come on Dad!

You know you want some.

- You don't need any ice cream.

Your mother made cannolis, come on

what kind of paisan are you anyway?

- I'll take her.

- She just wants to see Bobby Viviscueli at the candy store.

- Bobby Vi who? - Do not!

- Do so, Bobby's your little lambchop.

I heard you talking about him with Cynthia and Becky.

- Dad!

You!

- Hey hey come on! - Girls settle down!

- [Al] Time out!

- Excuse me will ya?

- You all right Vinnie?

- Yeah yeah yeah, fine.

I'll be back in a minute.

(girls screeching)

(laughing)

- Want a drink?

- No thanks.

- Little bicarb maybe?

Or you just want me to hold your hand?

- What kind of a crack is that?

- No crack.

It's just when I see a friend of mine get the yips,

I want to help him out.

Tell him he's gonna be all right,

which in your case there's no bull.

- And just exactly what is my case?

- Come on, I really gotta tell ya?

You are crazy about that woman,

even more than I thought when I was watching you two fight.

You think every word that comes out of her mouth

is the smartest thing you ever heard.

- And you are out of your mind.

- Not me pal, I'm on the outside looking in

which is a better view than what you got.

For one thing, I can tell you

why you're in here moping around.

- Connie's just too good of a cook, that's all.

I should've stopped after the second helping.

- You ain't stuffed.

You're just scared.

See you see yourself as me five years down the line.

Wife, kids, mortgage, dirty dishes and you want it.

You want it bad, only you're

just a little scared that's all.

- Let me explain something to you.

I've got no wife, and I've got no prospects.

- I think this Amber will do just fine.

- Yeah all right yeah, she would all right you happy?

Is that what you wanted to hear?

- Why don't you go after her?

Full court press, pally.

- Because we're just friends that's why.

- You mean you, you're not...

- No, we're not.

I wish.

- [Al] Wishing ain't gonna make it happen pal.

- That won't be necessary.

(romantic music)

(laughs)

Oh who's that?

- My god, that's my uncle Nick.

He was killed in World War II.

Yeah.

- Okay that's your father. - Yeah.

- Is that you?

- No it's not, that's my brother Pete.

I really miss them.

Did you know my mother married a gangster?

That's all right though, it's a story

with a happy ending.

So my mother fell in love with this guy

that was her girlhood sweetheart

and Rudy Iuppo and my mother were in love

when they were teenagers, and when he turned

to a life of crime, my mother wouldn't have

anything more to do with him.

So more than 50 years later,

they meet at this neighborhood Christmas dance

and the romance rekindled.

Now Rudy gave up his life of crime

so my mother agreed to marry him.

I tried to stop it, but when I saw 'em together

I realized they had something very special.

After my brother died,

I thought I'd never see my mother happy again.

When she's around Rudy, you should see her

it's like she's renewed you know?

So full of life, she's like a different person.

And the very night that he popped the question,

he got arrested for being in the country illegally.

My mother had to choose between her marriage

or staying in the country,

so now on the night of the wedding,

Rudy reconciled with his brother

who he hadn't spoken with in over 40 years.

Yeah 40 years, so the old guys switched places

and the immigration agents deported his brother Tito

who was using his mother's maiden name

because of the bad blood between the brothers.

So when he and my mother get back,

they're going to come back as Mr. and Mrs. Tito Armini

and live in Tito's old house.

- And no one will ever know?

- Yeah we'll see whether people in the neighborhood

will know, but as long as Rudy keeps his nose clean

I don't think the authorities

will bother with a retired barber.

- Aw, and they'll live happily ever after.

- Knock on wood.

You know what I'm gonna do?

- What?

- I think I'm gonna surprise my mother and give her a call.

- That's a great idea.

- Yeah that's exactly what I'm gonna do.

(opera music)

(speaks foreign language)

(speaks foreign language)

- Oh I tipped the boy.

(phone rings)

Why don't you answer?

- There's nobody I want to talk to.

- Pronto. - Ma?

- Vincenzo, what's wrong?

- Nothing's wrong Mom, I'm just calling to say hello.

- Oh, everything's all right.

Oh Vincenzo, I'm happy you called.

It's a wonderful surprise.

We just got here this morning.

Ah the lake country's breathtaking.

- Oh yeah, how was Florence?

- It's the most wonderful city on Earth.

And we saw every inch of it.

Rudy says Firenze is the cauldron of modern civilization.

Why are you calling?

- I was just talking with someone about you

and just wanted to call.

- Who is this someone?

- She's a friend of mine.

We were just sitting around,

looking at all the old pictures.

And then dad and Pete and your wedding.

Ma, you there?

- Yes I'm here.

- Oh so let's see, Como is your next stop isn't it?

Isn't that where you're stopping next, Lake Como?

- Yes, yes I'll talk to you soon, ciao.

- She hung up.

- Get up, get up, we're packing.

We have to call the airport, we're going home.

- What are you talking about?

- It's Vincenzo, he's found a girl, this is the one!

- He said this?

- Well not in so many words, but a mother knows.

Oh!

This is wonderful.

My Vinnie has a girl.

Come on, come on, get up we've got to pack.

(dramatic music)