Original subtitles

♪ When I was small I used to dance ♪

♪ In my mother's bedroom ♪

♪ Then I grew up and did it again ♪

♪ And basically I'm still doing the same show ♪

♪ I did in my mother's bedroom ♪

♪ And I'll do it till the bitter end ♪

♪ 'Cause it's my Tracey Ullman's Show ♪

♪ Tracey Ullman's Show, let's do the show, let's go ♪

♪ Tracey Ullman's Show ♪

♪ Tracey Ullman, Tracey Ullman ♪

♪ Tracey, Tracey, Tracey, Tracey ♪

♪ Tracey Ullman's Show ♪

Let's go.

Hello, Philip.

Won't be a moment, dear, just deletin' some porn.

- What? - It's a joke.

One of my joke thingies. Remember I made one once before?

Ohh. Yes.

So, how was your cross-party sleaze meeting?

Me, Jeremy Corbyn, and Vince Cable in a room together.

- What do you think? - Didn't go well, then?

No, on the contrary, we made serious progress.

If we can just get the whole of Westminster

to be as utterly devoid of sexual tension as that room,

job done.

Narrator: The game for women in Parliament of all ages.

It's Guess Who's Next?

Test your deductive skills as you try to work out

which of your colleagues will be disgraced next!

Is it... a white middle-class man?

Yes.

It's fun for all the family--

except for unaccompanied women.

- Does he have a wife? - Yeah.

- Does he care? - No.

Is it... ( whispering )

No, but I can see why you'd think that.

Is it... (whispers)

Yes. Yes, it is.

Yeah. That's pretty much what I'd heard.

Guess Who's Next?

The game you can keep playing

until the culture changes!

OK, it is time for the video chatten.

Ah, ja. You know who I should call? Emmanuel Macron.

Very important German-Franco issues to cover.

It's very pressing.

But mein Chancellorette,

you have Skyped him five times this morning.

Well, we have much to discuss.

And his eye for the mature sex machine

is of no relevance, Birgit-- none.

You know who you must sprechen Sie with,

and you can't put it off one minuten longer.

No! I don't want to talk to Herr Trump!

He hates me, and I hate him more!

And not like you see in the Rommen-Kommen just before they start kissing.

But you must, or you know who he will meet with first for the trade talks.

Oh, that Theresa May, she will stop at nothing to do the leapen-froggen.

His hand is not the only thing she's willing to hold.

( laughs )

- Hmm. Ja. - Hmm.

All right, fire up the Wi-Fi. I'm ready.

( speed dialing )

Hey, look! It's the German lady.

I met her before, right?

She's like a three? Two-and-a-half?

Hello, Angela.

I can see you through the computer.

I'm very happy to see you, Mr. President.

Sure, that's great.

And I'm a big fan of Germany.

Can you believe our countries were once at war? So sad.

And if I had been president, it wouldn't have happened.

I would have played golf with Hitler

and figured it out.

No war. Everyone says that.

Yes, I am sure, Mr. President.

But I would like to talk about trade.

Good. Pitch it, but keep it short.

I got Jared coming in.

I like Jared. Do you like Jared?

- Or did I fire Jared? - Aide: You like Jared, sir.

Great. I love Jared. Jared good.

Ja. Well, I'd like to talk about agriculture.

- Uh-huh. - We would like amendments

concerning regulations 29A

and 31C.

You have lost him.

Look. He has minimized your window.

You must get him back before he golfs.

He could start golfing at any moment.

Where's my clubs? Where's my clubs?

Birgit, it's time for Plan B.

- Are you sure? - Ja. Do it.

( gargles ) What do you think of that sound?

I have brought your strudel, Frau Merkel.

Ja. Put it here.

( coughing )

Boobies. ( clears throat )

Tits! Tits!

Pussy!

Who is that? Oh. Wow.

We are back to full screen, thank God.

Who is that? Steve Bannon was right,

the Germans really are superior.

This is my special trade envoy, Helga.

Oh, Helga, I would like some more cream on my strudel.

Please will you be squirting the extra cream?

What do you want?

We'll get your special trade envoy--

and you, I guess-- over to Washington

for big trade talks.

You can stay at the Trump International Hotel,

I'll get you a great deal, full price,

you just overtook Britain.

- G'bye. - Merkel: It's over.

Well done, mein Chancellorette.

Now, as a special treat, I have organized

a five-minute Skype call with Justin Trudeau.

Ooh, you are the besten Freund!

Helga: Shall I stay for that?

I have a degree in economics from the University of Stuttgart.

Uh, no, no. Go. Go.

Oh, but leave the cream. Ja. Leave this cream.

Hey, guys! Welcome to the show.

You've all heard about Fortnite,

the game young people can't seem to get enough of.

Well, some viewers have contacted me,

saying they're worried about their loved ones becoming addicted.

Put them off forever with the hardest,

most impossible-to-win version of Fortnite yet--

Fortnite Battle Brexit.

Man 1: I'm gonna be David Davis.

Man 2: I'll be Liam Fox.

You start out as one big team,

then slowly turn on each other.

It's just like being in the Cabinet.

OK, I've jumped from the Battle Bus,

but I haven't got a parachute. What do I do?

I've got absolutely no idea. What are our objectives?

God knows. It's total chaos.

Oh, God, an army of Michel Barniers.

What weapons do you have?

I'm checking...

Ohh. Too late. I'm covered in red tape.

It might feel like you're getting somewhere,

but not for long.

Why can't I find any trade deals?

I was told there were trade deals in this building.

I can't make any progress. Philip Hammond's in the way.

Move. Move!

I can't! It seems to be his default setting!

And there's always a ticking clock

in the corner of the screen.

You must finish by 29th of March, 2019.

- We're running out of time! - This is impossible.

So yeah, I'd recommend Fortnight Battle Brexit.

Ahh. This is doing my nuts in. Forget this.

I'm gonna go write that essay I've been meaning to do for the past five weeks.

Yeah, and I've just remembered I've got a girlfriend.

- ( text alert ) - Oh. No, I don't.

From Epic Fail Games.

Thank you so much

for squeezing me in for a fitting, Antonio.

Mwah! You're so welcome.

You must be thrilled to be nominated for Best Actress.

I am. Once I hit a certain age, the work dried up.

But now, everyone is so desperate not to appear sexist

that I'm getting employed again.

So I was thinking about a black dress for the ceremony,

because that's what everybody's wearing right now, right?

Oh, God, no! You're so behind!

Everyone is wearing red this month.

Or green, to show you care for the environment.

Uh, I'm not sure.

Oh, or purple,

to celebrate 100 years of the suffragettes.

Or tiger print, for Save the Tigers.

These just aren't my colors.

Darling, being on the right side of history

is more important than looking good.

Though you must also look really good.

So how about, like, a plunging neckline

and a high slit for the leg?

Oh, God no! Boob and leg is giving in to the male gaze.

Although, hold on-- it might be empowering.

Let me take a look.

Do you want to look sexy or be taken seriously?

- Can't I be both? - Ha ha ha ha!

What a lovely thought!

Now, some actresses are wearing suits instead of dresses

to show support for gender fluidity,

so we could work that in.

And we'll have short sleeves to show off your tattoo.

I don't have a tattoo.

You will have a tattoo,

showing you're right behind Me Too with a #MeToo Too tattoo.

OK. What about my hair?

Up? Down?

Well, "Vogue" says it's hair up for free childcare on film sets,

but "Vanity Fair" says it's hair down for equal pay, so...

Ohh. This is ridiculous.

No, this is important.

It's all about handing power back to women.

But if you get it wrong, they'll tear you apart! So, what's your speech?

Oh, well, I'm just gonna say "Thank you for giving me this job,"

and thank my husband and my children...

No, no, no, no. You're being given a platform.

You have to represent all women.

You need to talk about a political issue.

Well, I really care

about human trafficking.

No. Helen Mirren's got that one.

I'm passionate about poverty in Africa.

So is Emma Thompson.

- Arts funding? - Lupita Nyong'o.

Then what the hell am I gonna make an impassioned, dramatic, overly earnest speech about?

( applauding )

( cheers, applause )

- Thank you so much. - ( woman shouts )

And may I take this opportunity

to bring your attention to an important cause

that is very close to my heart.

- Man: Yeah! - Toblerones are getting smaller.

- So small! - But they are still the same price.

- Toblerone sucks! - This cannot be allowed to continue.

( thunderous applause )

You're watching BBC News with me, Simone Fredericks,

and the time is 20 minutes past dollar sign,

I think that says.

I'm sorry, my eyes have nodded off.

The CEO of Qatar Airways has apologized

for saying that only a man could do his job.

( laughs ) What job is that?

Making sexist generalizations?

You're right. Only a man could do that.

Oh, no! Look!

I can do it too!

( birds chirping )

( clock chimes )

Christ, it's early.

Ohh, what a bloody nuisance

having to let rooms out on Airbnb.

But Charles said that the wedding cost a few guineas more than expected,

so now he's got me on a tight financial rein.

Would anyone like breakfast?

Yes, please.

There you are, my darlings.

Ooh! ( laughing )

What, you too? Bloody hell.

- Toast? - Yes, please.

You see, the trouble with his organic shit

is that it goes moldy.

Still, it's probably good for you.

Ahh! Oof.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

Now, would you like anything to drink?

- Yes, please. - Gin or vodka?

Um, coffee?

Christ, one of those health nuts.

How do you take it? Gin or vodka?

- Milk? - Well, it's out there in the cow.

Do help yourself.

Just pull the bit at the bottom.

- Sugar? - One, please.

There we go, there we go.

( clicking tongue ) City boy. City boy.

( imitates milking a cow )

Well, I trust you'll give us a good review.

I think it's important to be honest.

But I think it is equally important not to commit treason.

( cheerful TV theme playing )

Morning, Mr. Nookie. That's a nice, juicy pear.

I was just thinking the same thing. Ha ha!

( cackles ) Filthy.

- Morning, Nurse Baps. - Morning, Dr. Willy.

So, Mr. Nookie, is it swollen this morning?

It is now. Ha ha ha!

Oh! Cheeky!

Uh, sorry, I can't do this.

I really can't take it anymore.

Just done a triple shift.

Um, I mean, uh,

I've been up for 48 hours.

I bet that's sore.

- Ha ha ha! - Ha ha ha!

But, no, in all seriousness,

we are just so under-resourced.

We've got more managers than we do medical staff.

- Talk about top heavy! - I'll say!

- Ha ha ha ha! - Ha ha ha ha!

Come along, Doctor, get a grip.

You've got a massive backlog.

That's just the way he's standing. Ha ha ha!

Right, then.

Came in with acute sinusitis,

then contracted MRSA.

Oh. He's all stiff.

Sounds promising.

No, I mean he's dead.

Oh, not another one.

I love looking after people,

but it's getting so hard.

- Fwahh! - No, the NHS is on the brink.

We need 50 billion by 2030,

all the foreign nurses are leaving because of

the government's hostile environment,

and we do not have enough beds.

Well, I don't mind doubling up! Ha ha ha!

A man in your condition

shouldn't be gettin' so much excitement.

- ( pager beeping ) - Oh.

Ah, Mr. Nookie, bad news. I'm afraid your operation's been canceled.

- What?! - It's just a routine NHS operation,

and our NHS routine is to cancel them.

Oh, not again!

Ohh! Ohh! My ticker! Nurse, do something!

I am! I'm moving to Australia!

They're crying out for nurses down there, and the pay's double.

Doctor: What? You can't just leave

on the promise of better pay and conditions and--

Actually, hold up. I'm coming too.

You can't go down under without asking first!

Hey, don't leave me! I've got acute angina!

A cute-- A cute angina?

Ha ha ha ha-- Oh, forget it.

Excuse me. I'm Dr. Michael Townsend, British Heritage.

I'm Lady Yaxley, chair of the Public Statues Review Commission.

- Very, very nice to meet you. - What exactly is going on here?

Well, quite simply, we're going to blow up Nelson's Column.

- What?! - No doubt you've heard about

all the hooha in America with the Confederate statues?

And the Cecil Rhodes in Oxford?

Well, the government is super keen to avoid offending anyone right now,

so they've asked me to have a gander at all the statues in Britain

and work out which one is going to cause the next big stink.

- But Nelson's Column? - Because of the Admiral's links to the slave trade.

That's just political posturing, surely.

Nevertheless, we think it's best to err on the safe side

- and blow it up. - You can't do that!

He was a great naval tactician! Died a hero's death!

I mean, he was also a strong supporter of the slave trade,

but then this statue doesn't celebrate his support of the slave trade.

Though it could be seen as condoning it, so...

- It's a very complicated question. - Exactly.

And what very complicated questions need

are very simple answers.

I think we've dodged a bullet there. On we go!

Man over microphone: One two, one two, Labour Live.

- Afternoon, Jeremy. - Oh! Hello, John.

Bloody hell, this place is absolutely huge.

Everything ready for tomorrow, then?

Y-Yeah, pretty much, yeah.

Can't believe it's finally happening. "Labour Live."

The most significant socialist symposium in the 21st century.

- ( rock music playing ) - Uhh-huhh.

That is what this is gonna be, isn't it?

A serious forum for debating affirmative action

and the dismantling of the neoliberal consensus?

Oh, yeah, absolutely.

- ( music stops ) - Good, because it could easily have become

some sort of superficial, sycophantic cult of Corbyn type of thing.

And we wouldn't want that, would we?

John! Have you seen this lighting we're--

It's a smashing bit of kit, isn't it?

This is the lineup, is it?

Can't say I've heard of any of the musical acts.

Pretty gig acts there, John. We've got the Magic Numbers,

you got Ray Morris, you've got Jermaine Jackman.

- Jermaine Jackson? - No, no,

Jermaine Jackman, who's won "The Voice," John.

Who is Kate Osamor?

Well, it says here she's Shadow Secretary of State

for International Development.

( snuffling )

Jeremy, hi. I just wanted to check

that you're happy with everything we're putting in the VIP goody bags.

VIP?

Very Important Proletariat, John.

Got an "I Heart Jeremy" bumper sticker,

a "Jez We Can" mug,

and a "Keep Calm and Corbyn On" T-shirt.

Very good, yeah. Groovy.

Look, it's just a bit of merchandise!

You've gotta give the people what they want, John.

When it comes to the event itself,

there will be...

a relentless focus

on our agenda for radical change!

- OK? - OK.

- The workers. - The workers.

Stagehand: OK, let it go running!

Well, they've gotta be able to see it at the back.

Seriously? Eros?

Otherwise known as the Angel of Christian Charity?

Or, to look at it another way, it depicts a semi-naked figure

rampaging around Piccadilly Circus

shooting people with a bow and arrow.

Right.

( explosion )

Right. ( chuckles ) What's next?

Paddington Bear's statue.

- Paddington Bear? - Illegal immigrant.

Excuse me. Are you a homosexual

who's recently graduated from Cambridge?

For years, this is how we used to recruit people for MI6.

But not any longer.

Now MI6 is subject

to the same diversity targets as everywhere else,

which is why we're looking for people like you.

Have you ever considered joining MI6?

Oh yes, I've seen the adverts on TV looking for mums.

But that's just a box-ticking exercise, isn't it?

No-- Well, it was initially,

but it turns out older women make ideal spies.

It's true. The main job of a spy is to go unnoticed,

and who's more invisible in modern society

than a woman over the age of 37? Especially mums.

When you're struggling to get a pram up some stairs

or dealing with a tantrum in Aldi,

it's like you don't exist.

Join us, and you'll be infiltrating foreign embassies

like they're your local Costa Coffee.

Breached servers at midnight.

Mid-night.

Not now, Finton. Mummy's spying.

Come on.

( Russian accent ) Who was that?

I don't know. Someone's mum or something.

So if you're sick of being ignored,

interrupted, and talked over,

why not choose a career

where it's finally a good thing?

- Join MI-- - Join MI6 today.

Because you matter to us.

Oh, God, Linda! Are you still there?

Camilla Parker Bowles: Hello, sexy bun, it's Camilla.

- Can you see me? - ( tires screech )

Well, hold it a bit lower,

I can only see your bald spot.

Ah! That's better.

What do you mean, bad news?

Don't worry, I sorted it.

I took all your investment paperwork

down to the hunt kennels.

Hounds have shredded the bally lot.

What other thing?

Not another bloody Diana tape?

Ohh. Last year they found an unseen clip where she sneezed,

and they built a 90-minute documentary around it.

What, then? Ohh!

Royal Variety Performance? No bally way!

We went last year!

It's someone else's turn.

Does Edward still exist?

What about Harry and Meghan?

What do you mean she's on a group fast?

I mean, I've opened fetes with chronic thrush

and a three-bottle hangover.

You just have to get on with it.

- ( siren wails ) - Ooop. Hang on.

About bloody time.

We've had reports that you're driving erratically.

Well, of course I'm driving erratically.

I'm FacetTiming hubby, I've got a sleeping dog in the foot well,

and I'm trying to get through this traffic

in time to watch "Homes Under the Hammer."

- Police escort? - Ohh.

I should think so too.

Woman: It's been a tricky couple of years for us pollsters.

We said there'd be a hung Parliament in 2015,

we called Brexit wrong,

and none of us saw Boaty McBoatface coming,

so we completely overhauled our canvassing system

and recalibrated our algorithms

to make sure we got this election dead right.

- Woman: And did you? - No.

We got it wrong, but in a very different way.

Still, the fact is, we were all miles off,

apart from the exit poll people,

but that's basically cheating, isn't it?

- So what went wrong? - It may have something to do

with changing demographics, but we also suspect

that basically, the British public have been screwing with us--

lying about their voting intentions to make us look silly.

If the general election were tomorrow,

who here would vote Conservative?

Right, and who would vote Labour?

You see what we're up against.

Essentially, none of the traditional polling methods work anymore.

So with another election probably just around the corner,

we've been working on

some rather more reliable prediction techniques.

Roger here is really onto something.

Yes. We've developed some simple but brilliant new methodology

to predict the name of the next prime minister.

Hey, little Wren, my mum's hen says the next PM will be...

Kanye West.

Hmm. May need a little more work.

In international news, Donald Trump

has signed a treaty with Kim Jong-un.

Trump said he got everything he wanted out of the deal.

Kim said he got everything he wanted too.

So there. Then Donald said,

"D you wanna come and see my big house?"

And Kim said, "Do you want to come to my big house?"

And Donald said, "I said it first. Nyeh nyeh."

And Kim said, "Yeah, but I said it best,

so I win and you're a poo-poo pants!"

At least that's how I imagine it went.

Are you sure about this?

It's fine. He's a friend of the family's neighbor.

And he's got a very responsible job.

It'll be fine.

Thank you so much for doing this at such short notice.

We should be back by 10:30,

but any problems, our mobile's number's there,

just give us a call, OK?

Any questions, Mr. Gove?

No. I'm completely confident in my ability to look after this human infant.

And you are absolutely right to put your trust in me

in regard to this matter.

Great. Well, we'll see you in a few hours.

Gove: Have a wonderful time. And may I just say that

you have my absolute and categorical assurance

that I won't sell it.

- Sorry? - The infant. I won't sell it.

Why would you sell him?

I wouldn't. I just assured you of that.

- Then why mention it? - To put your mind at ease.

To give you a cast-iron assurance

that I would neither sell it nor leave it unsupervised

when I go shopping.

You can't leave him unsupervised.

Yes, I know, and I wouldn't...

any more than I would eat it.

You know what?

I'm actually feeling a little tired.

Yeah, think we might give it a miss tonight.

Righto.

Let me give you back that thing you gave me.

Always nice to interact with humans.

I mean, fellow humans.

Don't worry, I'll let myself out the front door.

I certainly won't go out the back way

and rifle through your bins.

And you have my word on that.

OK. Shh...

( clatter )

( Big Ben chiming )

- Philip: Oh, very good! - What?

The whiteface ghoul look for Halloween.

I'm not dressed up yet!

Ohh. You'd look like this

if you'd just come from a cabinet Brexit meeting.

Dare I ask how all that's going?

Well, half the cabinet want no deal,

because they want a hard Brexit.

And the other half want no deal,

because they think that'll stop Brexit.

But for some reason, I have to keep saying, "We're hoping for a deal."

It'll be fine. You're the best prime minister we've currently got.

Oh, thank you... I think.

Though I have put £50 on complete economic meltdown by 2019,

so we're quids in either way!

Are there going to be those frightening things

at the Halloween party?

You know, people?

It's probably for the best,

because I can practice my Brussels smile.

Oh, yes, very spooky.

Go and get your Halloween cozzie on.

Is it a free bar tonight?

Who knows? Philip Hammond won't agree to pay for anything

until the last possible moment.

Um, Red Riding Hood?

Or are you one of the Pokémon?

No. I'm Offred from "The Handmaid's Tale."

A woman who serves a purpose for a group of heartless men,

but could be cast out and executed at any moment.

It's a girl box set rather than a boy box set.

Waaah! I drink your blood!

- Ohhh! Don't! - Sorry.

You'll give me nightmares, like that one

where I'm at the Tory conference and I lose my voice

and all the letters start falling off the wall.

No, no, darling, that actually happened.

Come on, let's go bobbing for apples

before they slap a 30% tariff on them!

I like this hood.

It means I can't see people not wanting to talk to me.

- Hmph. - Ohh, it's Trump! Don't let him touch me!

Oh, no, that's just a particularly fat pumpkin.

Don't you worry about Trump.

He's visiting next year,

so he'll be Boris Johnson's problem.

Or David Davis's problem. Or Jacob Rees-Mogg's problem.

Good!

What?!

( music playing )

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0