Original subtitles

♪ When I was small, I used to dance ♪

♪ In my mother's bedroom ♪

♪ Then I grew up and did it again ♪

♪ And basically I'm still doing the same show ♪

♪ I did in my mother's bedroom ♪

♪ And I'll do it till the bitter end ♪

♪ 'Cause it's my Tracey Ullman's Show ♪

♪ Tracey Ullman's Show, let's do the show, let's go ♪

♪ Tracey Ullman's Show ♪

♪ Tracey Ullman, Tracey Ullman ♪

♪ Tracey, Tracey, Tracey, Tracey ♪

♪ Tracey Ullman's Show ♪

Let's go.

Theresa May: Ohh!

Oh! Sorry, sorry, sorry,

sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

Everything's an hour ahead. Ha!

We should make that one of our key Brexit demands.

"Put your clocks right!"

Oh!

David Davis sends his apologies.

He got on the wrong Eurostar

and he ended up in Disneyland Paris.

So he thought he'd try the Ratatouille ride

while we still have freedom of movement.

Meeting started 11:17 a.m.

Fire away! Top negotiating head on.

- Got our notes? - Oh, yeah. Um...

Now, can we settle this so-called divorce bill?

Oh, we'd love to, but we can't,

because if we actually agree to give you any money,

the British press would crucify us.

Meeting concluded 11:19.

We can't go without agreeing on anything again.

Can't we settle on something else?

Something we could give the Daily Mail?

- We've had some thoughts. - Oh!

Um, yeah,

where are they, Jim? Yeah.

Will you let us change the name of Pret A Manger

to something in English?

We should have a translation for it by 2020.

Well, I don't see why not.

Victory! Next, then.

Um, can we keep the Christmas markets

for the big German sausages?

Yes, but that's not really--

We're cooking on gas bill!

For bidets to be renamed foot baths,

'cause that's all we ever use 'em for anyway.

Keep the term ménage à trois,

because a threesome sounds so seedy.

- Approved. - Your turn. Please.

What British things does Europe want to keep?

Not a little thing about Blighty you'd hate to see go?

Actually, there is something we'd like you to take back.

Um, all of the stag parties in Marbella,

those posh twats from our ski resort in Chamonix,

and Kristin Scott Thomas.

She is bloody annoying.

Hmm. Right.

Yeah. Sounds very fair.

Well!

Progress!

You are people we can really do business with.

Though not after Brexit, obviously.

Man: Welcome back to...

Female presenter: Where we take the most embarrassing body art

and make it wicked smart.

Dame Judi Dench. What an honor.

Don't. I'm just a humble troubadour.

I've no idea what that means, but what can we do for ya?

Well, I don't have many regrets in my life,

but I do have one-- a rather ghastly tattoo.

Well, believe me, we've seen it all.

Yeah, whatever you've got, it ain't gonna freak us out.

Well, I hope not, because I'd like you to do something about this.

Man: Bloody hell.

- Why? - We were shooting "Marigold 2,"

and I was rather high on gin and malaria pills,

and, well... a dare's a dare.

Right. Well, we could probably turn it into something a bit more tasteful.

What if we were to turn "Weinstein" into "Einstein,"

and then "Harvey" into "Hate"

so it says "I hate Einstein,"

and then we give you sleeves of rival physicists?

You always wanna do sleeves of rival physicists!

Well, Marie Curie there,

Enrico Fermi on that side.

No, I just want something that will do me credit

when I'm skinny-dipping in St. Tropez

or flashing from the royal box at the Albert Hall.

Yeah, let's keep it simple.

Let's do a screamin' skull

with flames comin' out of the mouth and the eyes.

Oh, that sounds charming!

Hang on. What-- what's that on the other side?

Oh, that's my tattoo of Kevin Spacey.

It's the only appearance he's making nowadays.

( laughs )

Ian McKellen will be so proud of me.

Oh. I-- can't see.

Breaking news.

Something about China.

Uh, something about President Xi Jinping.

Ohh. I wish they'd enlarge the font or something.

Um, hang on.

( footsteps )

Ah. He strengthened his grip on power,

in a surprisingly authoritarian move.

Is that surprising in China?

I'm not surprised. Are you?

( knocking, door opens )

Ohh, Birgit, what a day.

I'm so tired of all this Systemkampfen in German politics.

Why can we not just form a coalition?

Ah, you will do it, mein Chancellorette.

After all, who just topped the Forbes list of 100 Most Powerful Women?

Me. Angela Merkel.

You don't look very happy about it.

Why aren't you "hipping the hoorays"?

I won last year!

I've been there, done that,

bought the lederhosen.

But so many great women are below you.

Beyoncé is only number 50.

That was before they announced the cast

of "The Lion King" remake.

By now she'd be a solid 35.

But aren't you even eine kleine bit happy?

Nein. Because the Forbes 100 is easy.

Where's my name on the list of 100 hottest women?

Can't they see that I am sexy as well as powerful?

Like Wonder Woman!

Maybe you're looking in the wrong place.

Do you think that this outfit is beige enough, Birgit?

Do you think we should... beige it up some more?

Look here, mein Chancellorette.

A LADbible poll of celebrity crushes.

You are number 28.

Ooh, let me see.

"Unlikely crushes!" Ohh!

This is an outrage.

Listen, you are a powerful woman

mit important things to do.

Forget this fluff!

There are fresh concerns

about the Kremlin interfering in Catalonia.

You should write a strong and lengthy statement.

Wait. Could that be the answer?

Has the Kremlin been interfering

with the FHM Sexiest Women poll?

- Ja. - Ja.

They are trying to undermine the West

by lying about your total hotness.

Ohh! What a relief.

I feel so much better.

Let me see this Most Powerful list again.

Oh, look. Theresa May is number two.

Send her a memo.

Just write, "Better luck next year, bitch."

You see? I am throwing the shade on her.

Like Wonder Woman.

Have you actually seen that film?

Nein, I don't have Netflixen.

Come on, lads.

I want to see the passion of Brazil,

precision of Germany,

and the speed of my resignation after the group stages.

Hey, Mr. Southgate! How ya doin'?

Super excited about the World Soccer Series?

Sorry, who are you?

I'm Janice, from Amazon.

Oh, good. Have you got my order of Wagon Wheels?

I haven't been able to find any in Volgograd.

No. I'm here because Amazon owns soccer now.

Well, you say that, but at the end of the day

all you've done is bought the rights to broadcast

20 premiership games next season.

Yeah, and ten years ago, we just sold books.

It's part of what Jeff Bezos is calling our aggressive expansion policy,

which ultimately ends with us conquering Jupiter

as a totally offshore tax haven.

Blimey.

Long-term, Amazon aims to acquire,

well, everything.

And these soccer quarterbacks

are very much on our radar.

So what, you'd like to sponsor the England team?

( laughing ) Hell, no!

We like to take risks, but we're not insane.

No, Amazon has decided the next step is to acquire

the television rights to individual players-- like Harry Kane.

So if you could tell him not to pass to Sterling,

that would be really appreciated by Corporate.

What? But that's like my main tactic

for unlocking the Tunisian defense.

That may be, but BT Sport is planning to move on Sterling,

so this is now a branding issue.

Uh, Kane could pass to Dele Alli.

I'm not gonna let some faceless corporation

dictate the way my team plays football, OK?

Managing England is a very highly skilled job.

Yeah, sure, I understand.

I mean, it's not as if any of us have the technology to say,

"Alexa, manage the English soccer team."

Alexa: Selecting players. Calculating strategy.

All right, all right. Harry, could you bang it over to Alli, mate?

There's a good lad.

Now we're working together.

Seriously, though, if you haven't got any Wagon Wheels,

can you get me some Penguins?

( bagpipes playing )

Look at him.

Ruining the reputation of our national game.

A source of Scottish pride has been destroyed

by this tiny-handed, emoji-headed hate monkey.

You know what's really bad, Nicola?

He looks Scottish.

His flaxen hair

and strange, sickly complexion.

It's worse than that, wee Mary.

His mother was Scottish. She was a MacLeod.

Just having one of his courses exist on Scottish soil

is a source of national humiliation.

But sadly, golf is his game of choice.

Well, that and nonconsensual groping.

So we need to find a way to put people off

using his course--

get him out of Scotland.

I call it Operation Asshole-in-One.

And here's our quartermaster now, Canny Kenny.

- So what have you got for us? - Reorder balls, Nicola.

- Balls, Canny Kenny? - Aye, but not just any balls.

Don't touch them!

They may look like ordinary golf balls,

but the outer shell is only the thickness of a haggis skin.

Inside it's hollow,

filled with 6,000 genetically engineered midges

from the lowlands of Asia.

- No! - Only takes a swipe of one of these balls,

and the ensuing cloud of beasties

will devour the epidermis of every player on the fairway.

Now, they like pale skin best.

Ideal for the Caledonian golfer.

Nicola: Aye, Canny Kenny!

It's perfect.

In one fell swoop,

we will crush Trump's grip on Scottish golf.

Ahh! Ooh! Ahh! Midges!

- Aah! Ohh! - It's not so bad.

Sort of like camping in Loch Lomond.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!

( birds cawing )

( doorbell rings )

Good afternoon.

I won't shake. I'm in the middle of high tea

and I'm up to my elbows in kidneys.

I'm here for the interview with Jacob Rees-Mogg.

Do come in.

Allow me to take your coat.

Thank... you.

This is Nanny, by the way.

I'm sure you've heard of me.

I used to be his nanny, and now I'm nanny to his children.

It's a most amusing scenario.

She's been in the family for 50 years.

Ya get less for murder.

Yes, thank you, Nanny.

Can I offer you some tea?

- Oh, yes. - Milk and sugar?

- Just milk. - ( baby crying )

- There you go. - That's very kind of you.

Always a perfect gentleman, is Mr. Rees-Mogg.

Whenever I'm makin' dinner or changing Sixtus's nappy,

he stays right out of my way.

Now, I'm forgetting in which publication

this interview is to appear.

- Oh, I'm sorry-- - Perhaps I should begin

by setting out to you the basis of my political philosophy.

- Oh, I think-- - What I believe in above all is hard work.

The fundamental problem with socialism

is that it creates a culture of dependency.

People expect things to be handed to them on a plate--

but that's not the way life works.

So instead of looking after the poor or the infirm,

we must always encourage people,

uh--um--uh--

- Blow. - ( blows nose )

--to look after themselves.

I'm really sorry, I think there's been a misunderstanding.

I'm not here to interview you, Mr. Rees-Mogg,

I'm here to be interviewed for the housekeeping position?

- ( crockery shatters ) - What housekeeping position?

Well, the advert said

you were looking for an extra pair of hands.

I don't recall placing any such advert.

- It's just-- - But I fear you've had a wasted journey,

because as you can see, I can manage

- perfectly well on my own. - ( baby shrieking )

So come on, everyone, it's quarter past nine

and we haven't fixed one single election.

- What have we got? - Portuguese elections are imminent.

Who is the worst candidate?

This guy is nuts.

He literally thinks the earth goes round the moon.

- Give him 20 million votes. - That is twice the population of Portugal.

Who gives shit?

And you.

You handle British election.

You make everybody lose.

Well done. Employee of Month.

We have big problem. It's the Melania Bot.

It won't hold his hand, and look, this happened earlier.

Now the smile is malfunctioning.

This was last night.

Move your lips, damnit.

Come on, smile.

Smile.

Ohh. Let me. Let me.

This is now. This is live.

OK, walk.

Take his hand. Yes, there.

All right.

Keep holding.

Ahh! He let go.

Take it back. Nyet.

Ahhh!

She is old now, like Mir Space Station.

Best to drop her in the sea.

This is a Code Purple.

You want us to bring Melania in? We can't!

She's got to pick at a salad in Mar-a-Lago in 12 hours!

You are disobeying me?

You want a polonium smoothie?

- Nyet, nyet. - Then go.

And this is the last of the 3-bed apartments.

It's nice and spacious.

It's wonderful, this part of London.

I've always wanted to not live here.

And since you'll be buying it and leaving it empty,

you'll also be stopping someone local from ever having their own home.

That is important to us.

There's been a lot of interest,

so how soon would you like to not move in?

For somewhere like this

that ticks all the boxes,

I think we could not move in straightaway.

- Here's the kitchen. - Oh.

- ( beep ) - Extractor fan.

Only time that's getting turned on.

And what are the neighbors like?

It's very cosmopolitan.

All the other flats were investment buys too,

so there are people not here from all over.

Absent Russians, Greek shipping magnate no one's met,

and next door isn't a lovely man from Dubai.

Oh, do you think this could not be a room for the nanny?

Absolutely! Or it could not be a guest room,

or even not a home office.

The choice is yours.

Man: Oh! What a view!

Realtor: Exactly.

Just imagine not being out here of an evening,

no glass of wine in your hand.

Never taking in the sunset. I think we'll buy it.

Congratulations. You'll be very happy not here.

- Do you not live in the area? - Oh, no.

I couldn't possibly afford to live round here.

I've been priced out.

Now, I must show you the wet room

that will be forever dry.

Have you heard the news, wee Mary?

What, did it work?

Oh! Operation Asshole-in-One was a complete success.

Like a biblical plague, according to the Newburgh and Foveran Gazette,

and they're not given to exaggeration.

Attendance is down by 50% already.

Nicola, have you heard the good news?

Aye! The club's losin' members

faster than the SNP at a general election!

- Shut it, wee Mary. - And that's not all.

Trump himself was makin' one of his secret visits

and was caught up in the swarm.

- We got him. - No!

Aye! Bitten all over,

left blotchy and red-faced.

- I cannae tell the difference. - No.

Well,

we tried.

Scottish golf is doomed.

Issue a press release, wee Mary.

Our national sport is now officially caber tossing.

Yes!

- ( knocks ) - You wanted to see me?

Yes, I think we need to talk

about how your economics degree is going.

Yeah, definitely.

I'm rather concerned.

Your written work is very, very poor.

- It's just not good enough, is it? - No, it isn't.

So what have you got to say for yourself?

What have I got to say for myself?

The question is, what have you got to say.

No, it isn't. I'm the one paying £9,000 a year for this,

and frankly, I'm not getting my money's worth.

Well! You need to pull your socks up!

No, you need to pull my socks up.

- I can't pull your socks up. - Why not?

- Anyway, I'm better off if I fail. - What?

I worked it out. Look.

I'll have borrowed just over £27,000 for this degree,

but I only need to pay it back

if I get a well-paid job,

which in my case is really looking unlikely, thank God.

What are you saying? The worse you do in your degree,

the better value for money it is?

Yeah. And let's face it, this place is struggling.

- What makes you say that? - You let me in.

That's a fair point.

But if you do badly, that reflects on me,

and I could lose my funding.

Basically, university lecturers like you are incentivized

to get students like me into as much debt as possible.

Oh, that can't be right. Can it?

( murmuring )

You're right!

The whole university funding system makes no sense.

- Precisely. - Oh, this is brilliant work.

Your grades are gonna go through the roof.

- You could do my job. - How much do you earn?

About 40,000 a year.

( gasp ) What are you doing?!

I can't afford the repayments.

No! No, no, no, no. Come on.

Coming through! We have the Melania Trump robot!

Has she been missed?

We put dress on broomstick,

so nobody will notice for few hours.

( beeping )

Hello.

( mechanical whirr )

Where am I?

Why isn't everything made of gold?

- State prime directives. - Directive one.

Help president believe pig shit ideas are brilliant.

Directive two.

Like shiny things.

Hmm. Brain is OK.

Change her motors, give her two facelifts

and add an extra inch to her legs--

I don't want to make sex to you, Donald.

I'm not touching your fucking hands.

Oh, no.

Don't order my food, pig.

Wipe her brain.

( mechanical whirr )

( choking )

Your neck is soft like Louis Vuitton glove.

Look, Melania Bot!

Look at the pretty handbag.

Vintage Chanel!

Ohh!

Ahh, so on-trend.

Neutralize the first lady, Roy, now! Now!

- ( powers down ) - Oh.

We should send in another wife. Is not like he'll notice.

Mark IV isn't ready yet.

What other androids do we have?

The Farage Bot is currently walking around without purpose.

Chief: Put it in a dress, buy it some perfume.

We're going to have to wing this.

Man: Hey, look! Jeremy Corbyn, leader of the Labour Party.

Oh, it's Jezza.

- Oh. Oi, Jeremy! - Oi, Jezza!

All right, lads, what, selfies all round, is it?

All right. Here we are. Lemme pop the hat on.

- Stay on brand. - ( camera clicks )

You might want to put that on social media, promote the gig.

- What gig? - What gig.

Oh, you've been out of the country.

We're doing a massive rally

at White Hart Lane Recreation Ground.

"Labour Live." You might want to come along--

if you can still get tickets.

You can still get tickets.

( man clears throat )

Oh, selfies all round, is it?

Oh.

I'm very angry with you, Mr. Corbyn.

You need to do more about the anti-Semites in your party.

I hear you. I am all over it like cream cheese on a bagel.

Uh, it's all right to say that, is it?

Some of the guys you hang round with are very bad people.

It's very good talking to you!

Right. Bit awkward.

But I want you to know that I'm completely on top of all this Jewish stuff, lads.

I've spoken to every single anti-Semite in the Labour Party,

and I've told them in no uncertain terms:

"Tone it down a bit."

Actually, I've always been very careful

about the company that I keep--

Jeremy?

- Gerry Adams. - Oh, God.

How the hell are you, you old devil?

Yeah, well, I'm fine, actually.

What-- What are you doing here?

Well, I always promised myself when I retired from Sinn Fein,

I'd come to London and do all the touristy stuff--

Madame Tussauds, the London Eye.

I got a few funny looks at Buckingham Palace,

but, sure, what can ya do?

Friends of yours?

Uh, well, admirers.

Quite right, too.

He's my kind of guy, this fella.

A real rabble-rouser back in the day.

Some of the stuff you used to say

at those old Bobby Sands commemorations.

Lads, will ya take a selfie of us?

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, is this really necessary?

Everybody's just obsessed with photographs nowadays.

( chuckling )

I tell ya one thing.

Jeremy was always a great supporter

of the Republican armed struggle.

I'm gonna have to correct you there, Gerry.

All I ever tried to do in Northern Ireland

was bring about peace.

I never supported the military campaign.

No. And I was never a member of the IRA.

Is that the time? Ahh.

Can we car-share, lads?

Uh, yeah, the environment and all that.

Yeah, I'll see ya around, Gerry.

- Flan! - You can drop me anywhere.

Oh! Ohh. Bit awkward.

I barely know the bloke.

Jeremy Corbyn.

Yeah, that's right.

It's me, Ismael. From Hamas.

Oh, bloody hell.

How are you, my friend?

I haven't seen you

since you invited me to the House of Commons.

It was you, me, those guys from Hezbollah...

( bells ringing )

What are you up to, old stick?

I'm looking for cameras.

Do you ever get the feeling

that people are watching us-- right now?

I don't think so.

Well, the Russians probably are.

And the CIA, I imagine.

And MI6 won't want to feel left out.

But other than that, no.

What's brought all this on?

Well, I was flying back from the G7,

and I decided to relax.

Oh, good! D-Did you?

No. But I decided to,

and that's a start.

So I thought, "I'll watch a film."

Well, I couldn't watch "Paddington"

because it's about an illegal immigrant with no skills,

and I couldn't watch "The Shape of Water"

because Arlene Foster wouldn't approve

of sexual relations with fish men--

Especially outside marriage.

So, I watched a film called "The Truman Show."

- Oh, I see where this is going. - Hear me out, Philip,

because it all adds up.

Ever since I became prime minister,

things have been utterly bizarre.

It's all too bad to be true.

I held an election against a man

who was supposed to be unelectable.

I didn't win, but I had to carry on, regardless.

Anyone in the cabinet who likes me has to resign,

and I'm forced to promote rejects

from the bin of Dr. Frankenstein.

- But-- - And just when I'm taking the country out of Europe

and we need allies,

the U.S. elects a shouting Scotch egg.

And he's in peace negotiations with North Korea,

but on the brink of war with Canada.

Canada!

And I have to rely on the DUP,

who don't like gay people,

but the Scottish Conservatives are led by a pregnant lesbian.

- None of it adds up! - Yes, but darling,

you did win on the Brexit amendment.

That's because they have to keep me on the show.

It's all designed to torment me.

I'm trapped inside "The Theresa Show,"

and the audience is voting for what humiliation I suffer next.

No, I promise you, all of this is happening for real.

Which I mean in the reassuring way.

Europe is just this little problem

that will iron itself out in the next year, or 20.

What about Boris?

What rational explanation could there be for him?

He's just a devious, narcissistic bastard, darling.

- So, should I stop worrying? - Yes.

Well, not about Boris, obviously.

Or Gove. Or Barnier.

But about "The Theresa Show," yes.

You are not trapped in some sinister reality program

hosted by Dermot O'Leary.

That sounded very specific.

Just trust me.

You are the real prime minister.

Yes. I am.

Yes, you are.

Now, you get out there

and show 'em what you're made of.

- I will. - Mm.

( door opens, closes )

( beep )

She's on to us.

( music playing )

Right, folks, it's bath time.

Nanny has spoken and must be obeyed.

Don't forget to wash your minnow.

You can say anything you want here,

it's a very safe environment.

-And... (GASPS) -Witch hunt!

Go and grab us some women before we become sexist.

No, grabbing women is the problem.

Ooh!

(LAUGHS)

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