All language subtitles for Tracey Ullmans Show s03e03.eng

♪ When I was small
I used to dance ♪

♪ In my mother's bedroom ♪

♪ Then I grew up
and did it again ♪

♪ And basically
I'm still doing the same show ♪

♪ I did in my mother's bedroom ♪

♪ And I'll do it
till the bitter end ♪

♪ 'Cause it's my
Tracey Ullman's Show ♪

♪ Tracey Ullman's Show,
let's do the show, let's go ♪

♪ Tracey Ullman's Show ♪

♪ Tracey Ullman,
Tracey Ullman ♪

♪ Tracey, Tracey,
Tracey, Tracey ♪

♪ Tracey Ullman's Show ♪

Let's go.

OK, everyone,
welcome.

This support group is
for people who are so woke

they're finding it impossible

- to have any fun at all.
- ( sighs )

We have somebody new
with us this week,

so would you like
to introduce yourself?

Uh, hi. I'm Oscar.

Uh, I think,
like a lot of you guys,

for me it started
with the little things.

Signing an online petition,
going out to a march.

Well, I mean, before I knew it,
I was writing to The Guardian

about LGBT representation
in the Harry Potter books.

- Which is shocking, by the way.
- All right, Lilly.

We've all read your blog.

Don't worry, Oscar.
You've come to the right place.

All of the young people
in this room

are ruining their lives
by being overly virtuous.

It's actually
a micro-aggression to say "young people"

because it carries subconscious
bias towards the elderly.

Actually, what you're doing is
denying agency to the elderly, which is arguably much worse.

This is what I'm talking about,
you see, it's a slippery slope.

One minute you're carrying
a reusable water bottle-- fine--

and the next minute you're
arguing that water is racist.

Oh, my god, is water racist?

No, no. It's just an example.

Right, how did you guys
get on with the homework that I set you?

"Guys" isn't an especially
inclusive term.

- Not now, Jamie.
- Lilly: By "homework,"

do you mean having to watch
that old people sitcom?

It's called "Friends," Lilly,

and you were supposed
to watch it and enjoy it.

Well, I try, but I find it
deeply problematic.

- Why?
- Well, there's the homophobia,

the transphobia, the fat-ism,
and the slut-shaming.

And could Chandler
be any more annoying?

You can't go through your 20's
worrying about every aspect of everything.

You have to pick
your battles.

And just remember that
it doesn't really matter,

because by the time
you hit your 30s,

most of you are going to be
massively right-wing anyway.

( scoffs )

Have any of you started to think

that maybe poor people
don't deserve benefits?

- N-No.
- Well, watch out for that one,

because that's how it starts.

Look, I understand
this has all been

a bit much for some of you,

so let's take five
and have a hobnob.

I find the word "hobnob"
very phallocentric.

Fuck off, Jamie.

Hey, Bogdan, Bolek,
no need to pack up those tools.

But we must go home now.

Yes, back to our unspecified
Slavic country.

Brits vote Brexit vote,
no longer want builders from Eastern Europe.

But Brits do want
your professionalism,

and the fact
that you do show up

roughly the day
you say you will.

And now there's
a way we can all

have our pierogi
and eat it, too.

- ( music playing )
- I'm Denise,

and here at
my British Building School,

I'll teach you all
the traditional skills you'll need

to blend in even after
the hardest of Brexits.

From what to call yourselves...

...to how to dress...

...and what to say!

Bogdan:
"Bloody right we're late.

Traffic's buggered
on ring road."

"Cor blimey,
what a bodge job.

Who wired this up,
John Wayne?"

And both together...

Bogdan/Bolek:
"Phwoooargh!"

And the gesture?

Denise:
Enroll now,

and we'll
pimp your van for free.

We'll even throw in
this heritage builders' radio.

It receives
just three stations--

football, racist phone-ins,
and medium-wave static.

The volume knob pre-set
at blasting.

"I wish my wife
to be dirty like van."

That's it. You nearly
got it there, Bolek.

Come to Denise's
British Building School,

The course costs
just £1,000--

or £650 in cash,
if you know what I mean.

Both:
Phwoooargh!

( chuckles ) That's it, boys.

Any roots showing?

Not on my watch.

Hmm. Birgit,
have you seen this?

All these poor actresses

earning less
than their male co-stars.

I mean, come on, people,
it's 2018!

- It's disgusting,
is what it is. - Ja.

These poor women

living in the shadow
of this male-led system

in which they are
horribly outnumbered and over--

Birgit.

What if all
the male world leaders

are earning big bucks,

and I am making
half of what they do?

What if I am Michelle Williams,

and they are a big bunch
of Mark Wahlbergs?

Oh, don't be so ridiculous.
You are not Michelle Williams.

- Although...
- Although you do look like sisters.

But there's no way the Greek PM
is earning more than you.

Oh, I didn't mean
the Greek one.

He probably makes
less than you do.

( both laughing )

No, but what about the Putins

and the Trudeaus
and the Macrons?

Yeah, but that is not
a fair comparison.

Trudeau and Macron make
a fortune from calendars alone.

And Putin bare-chested
on that horse

sells an awful lot
for a country with no gays.

Maybe I'll just call Theresa
and ask her what she gets.

Ja, but she gets paid
in British pounds,

so, whatever it is,
it won't work out as very much anymore.

- Ja, that's true.
- ( hangs up )

Maybe I'll just Google it.

There must be some kind
of graph or chart or--

Whoa! Well!

( chuckles )
That puts my mind at ease.

So you're doing OK?

Well, let's just say you can

reorder the buns and biscuits

with the chocolate layer
on top.

Whoo! And some
Duchy Originals.

Oh, I'm not doing that well.

( music playing )

You're watching the news
with me, Simone Fredericks.

Further allegations
of sexual misconduct have emerged relating to--

You know,
I kicked a supervisor in the balls in 2008

instead of accepting
his advances.

Perhaps that's why
I've been on this night shift

for the past nine years.
( inhales deeply )

The time is... only 20 minutes
since I last looked.

Feels like longer.

( music playing )

Jerry Hall:
♪ The Murdoch bunch ♪

♪ The Murdoch bunch ♪

Oh, look at you kids.
You look so cute.

Rupert, honey! We're ready!

Oh, no. This one's blank.

What would you write
in a Father's Day card

if you liked your dad?

- Google it.
- Yeah.

Oh, here's one.

"You are my hero
and my role model."

( all laugh )

Erm, "You are
the best man I know."

( all laugh )

"I am truly grateful
to have you in my life."

Shh. They're coming.

All:
Happy Father's Day!

So what've you bought your daddy
on this most special of days?

I got you a bungee jump, Dad.

I got you
a Diving With Sharks day.

I got you
a Running With the Bulls in Pamplona gift card.

Anyone would think you lot
are trying to bump me off.

- ( children laugh )
- What about you, numb nuts?

I thought we could go
for a day out on my yacht.

Now I know you're
trying to bump me off.

Last time we went out
on your yacht,

technically my yacht
'cause I bloody paid for it,

I suffered a mysterious
heavy blow to the head,

went ass over tit,
nearly broke me bleedin' back.

You leeches were
trying to Maxwell me.

We would never do that.

You are my hero
and my role model.

You are the best man I know.

I am so grateful
to have you in my life.

Yeah, very touching.

You should know by now
I'm indestructible,

like the News of the World.

Or should I say
The Sun on Sunday?

( both chuckle )

( groans )

Oh, careful,
honey.

What did you get your daddy?

My daddy's dead, silly.

Not your actual father.

I mean what did you get...

your daddy?

Oh, Rupert.
You know that every day

is Daddy's Day
in this house.

( loud kissing noises )

Oooh! Jerry, spasm.

Oh. Honey, do you need

one of my special massages?

See kids?
Your little yacht plot

has totally backfired.

Ever since the "accident,"

Jerry's taken
such good care of me.

( cane clatters )

I feel like
I'm 21 again.

Reckon I could last forever.

Shall I get the oil?

That gets a big two thumbs up.

Oh, yeah.
We could try that as well.

( all groaning )

My name's Fiona.

I was a top glamour model
back in the day.

Started my career
with Peter Stringfellow, God rest his soul.

But once I got too old for it--
you know,

- hit the big two-three--
- ( coughs )

I needed a new challenge,
so I started my agency--

DollyBird management
for dollybirds.

- ( telephone ringing )
- And it's been very successful--

until now.

And you are absolutely sure?

Bye, then.

That's another one gone!

The Birmingham Fridge
and Freezer show.

Yeah, apparently,
having girls in swimsuits

showing off the new Zanussi
is no longer "appropriate."

World's gone mad!

First they got rid of
grid girls from Formula One,

now we've lost the darts,
we've lost the boxing,

two of our five ready-salted
peanut accounts--

and people say,
"Well, why don't they just do something else?"

But some young women are
actually allergic to clothes,

and they need to work, too!

So we have diversified.

We've got Chloe, lovely Chloe,

working in a GP's waiting room.

Number seven.

Doctor Richards
is ready to see you

about your bowel infection.

Fiona: Tanya and Lucy.
They're doing a lovely job

hosting at
the Keighley Police Station.

And Zoe is the new star
at the Aylesbury Morgue.

Is this your husband?
Ta-da!

Fiona: So I think
the Dollybird agency has a future.

What I say to the world is,
whenever you need someone

to bring a smile
and a bubbly personality,

my ladies will be there.

And if you try to touch them,
I'll break your fingers.

( drill sergeant
shouting indistinctly )

- Defense Secretary?
- Where?

Oh, right,
that's me, isn't it? Sorry. New to the job.

Major General Edwards.

Where? Oh! Right, is that you?

Sorry. I wasn't expecting a--

- Yes.
- Yeah.

Gavin Williamson.

And, uh, this is the army then?

- It is.
- Right.

So, uh, where do you
keep the boats?

Nope, that's the navy.

It's the navy, right, yeah.

Boats equals navy.

Sorry, I'm still slightly
playing catch-up

with the details.

Wasn't really expecting

to suddenly become
Defense Secretary.

This time last week I was
in the Chief Whip's office,

you know, with my pet spider.

- Your...?
- Oh, sorry.

Cronus, this is
Major General Edwards.

Major General Edwards,
this is Cronus.

Yeah, so last week I was
just "weird spider guy,"

and now I'm in charge
of the full might

of Her Majesty's armed forces.
It's insane, eh?

Utterly.

Anyway, the upshot is,

I've suddenly had to swat up

- on the army and navy.
- And air force.

There's an air force
as well. Right, OK.

Well, I'm learning already.

I'll have the hang
of this in no time.

Should I go
and address the troops?

If you'd like, I'm sure they'd
be delighted to hear from a man

of such uncommon experience.

- They're this way.
- Right you are.

That's a Cub Scout salute.

Right. What is
the proper salute?

It's army, navy, air force.

Ah. So my next door neighbor
thinks I'm in the air force.

Well, I'm glad I asked.

I can't tell you
how helpful this has been.

It's been my absolute pleasure.

Now, are there
any other questions?

Yes. Can Cronus be
your new regimental mascot?

- No.
- OK. Can I have a gun?

- No.
- Fair enough.

- Right then. Ready?
- Absolutely.

Don't worry.
They may look like trained killers.

- But?
- There's no "but."

Oh, right.
Well, here we go.

Oh, and there's a medal
to give out this morning,

so make your way to the front
and ask to see Private Parts.

I want to see Private Parts.

Right, got it. Ah.

( car horns honking )

OK, guys. It's great to have
all the major studio heads here

so we can agree
on this new Hollywood code of conduct.

Seriously? A hotel suite?

What? I have all my meetings
in a hotel suite.

Oh, right. Well, look.

I think we're all
professionals here.

Lionel, what the hell
are you doing?

Sorry. Force of habit.

Way I see it,

this shit storm
ain't goin' away.

If Harvey can get
taken down, who's next?

( cell phone chimes )

Ohh, it's me.

I should, um-- Yeah.

What we need are
some simple rules

that all us guys
can sign up to.

No physical coercion,
no inappropriate touching.

How about asking actresses
to watch you pee?

Well, sure. That would
definitely be unacceptable.

I should--

What we need is a big star

who can front
the whole campaign.

Someone who really
represents women's rights.

I'm thinking Tom Hanks.
George Clooney?

Mitch, can I
interrupt you there?

If we're pitching
this as some

anti-sexual-harassment-
of-women-kind of thing,

maybe we should make
the star a woman.

Clever.

Then we'd only have
to pay them half as much.

Who ya thinkin'?
Julianne Moore?

She's too old.

What about a younger
Julianne Moore?

I mean, if she's too old,

it's like, no one would wanna

sexually harass her
in the first place.

No, Mitch. Listen.

We need someone
who's really been

through the Hollywood system,

and I think I have
the perfect person.

Kelly Stevens.

She was the sexy nuclear
scientist in "Superman IV."

- Right.
- Kelly, get in here!

Sit yourself down
right there, Kelly.

No, wait.
What are we thinking?

We should be on the bed.
Have a seat.

- Is this better?
- I think it's worse.

We'll stand.
Let's all stand.

Say, Kelly, you look familiar.

Did we date in the '80s?

I wouldn't call it a date.

I should go.

( sighs )

What do you say?
Are you gonna help us

put this harassment business
behind us

and get things back to normal?

Normal, Jeff?

I've been in Hollywood

for over 30 years,

and I've been propositioned,
pressurized, and groped

by more middle-aged men
in positions of power

than you've had
soy macchiatos.

And now, you're asking me

to help those exact same men

save their own disgusting,
sweaty skins

and pretend that it was just
all water under the bridge.

Normal? Are you
out of your mind?!

Equally, I'm a Hollywood
actress in her mid-'50s,

and it's the best offer
I've had in over two decades.

So count me in.

Great! I probably
shouldn't touch you.

In fact, being alone with you

in this hotel room
is not a great idea.

Not with my reputation.

( tires screeching )

( cell phone beeps )

Your Maj, it's Camilla.

Have you got a sec?

Yeah, I just wanted to talk
to you about Charles.

Charles, your son.

No, the other one.

No, the other one.

The thing is
that he was all geed up

about that aircraft carrier
being named after him,

but he found out it won't
be ready for bally years

and he'll probably have popped
his jolly old clogs by then.

So I thought, I know what
would cheer the old fart up:

if he could be king--
just for a smidge.

What do you think?

( sighs ) Well, what about he's
king on Tuesdays and Thursdays,

and you could spend
more time with Philip?

Well, no. I can understand that.

It's just that Charles
is past retirement age,

and he hasn't done
a single day's work yet.

( horn honking )

Oh, just die!

No, not you, Marm.

Some chav. Which reminds me,

must go and buy something
for Kate's new baby.

She keeps squirting
them out, doesn't she?

( cars honking )

Hello. My name is Carl,
and I've been asked here today

to do some work around trust
by your boss, Michael Gove.

Yes, trust.
So important.

Can I just say
that I am 100 percent

behind you here, Carl.

Thank you. ( chuckles )

( whispers )
I'm not sure about Carl.

So, for our first exercise,

someone is going to let
themselves fall backwards,

and Michael is going
to catch them.

Uh, Cherry, if you'd
like to help out here.

Don't worry, Cherry.
I can categorically assure you

that you have my total support
in relation to this exercise.

So you promise you'll catch me?

I can unequivocally state

that I will
definitely catch you.

Right, Cherry.
In three, two, one.

Ow! You moved!

Yes. I was fully committed
to catching you,

but then I realized
that in all good conscience,

I could not do so,
so I decided, instead, not to.

Why do you think
that was, Michael?

I don't know, but I think
the fact that I made

a difficult
and unpopular decision

proves that I am
a man of principle.

OK. Maybe let's
try something else.

Um, Tom, I'm going
to ask you and Michael

to stand facing
each other, join hands,

and simply look each other
in the eye for twenty seconds.

OK?

( squishy sound )

It's probably just sweat.

I don't excrete a resin.

- OK.
- And time starts now.

- And time's up!
- ( stopwatch beeps )

Michael, how was that for you?

I actually feel
much closer to Tom,

like there is now
an unspoken bond of trust between us.

That's great.
And what about you, Tom?

Carl: Tom?

It's possible that I have
absorbed his soul.

OK. Um,

if I could have
another volunteer, or...

well, maybe I'll
do this one myself.

Um, I'm going to put on
this blindfold,

and Michael is going to guide me
to those apples over there,

avoiding all the obstacles
in the room.

And you have my unwavering
assistance in this matter.

Wonderful.

And... forward,

forward, forward, forward,
forward, forward-- stop!

And turn right,
and left, and turn left,

and forward, forward.

A little bit more,
a little bit more,

- a little bit more.
- ( Carl screams )

- ( thud )
- ( woman screaming )

- ( car alarm wailing )
- Well, that's lunch.

Don't worry. I won't
run off without paying.

Aww. No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no.

- What?
- You know we have loads

of fake social media
accounts in the West?

- Yes.
- Well,

the social media companies

are shutting them down.

- But why?
- For being fake.

I suppose that follows.

Oleg:
They've closed thousands.

Even "Brexit Chelsea
Fan" has gone.

He was my favorite
with his cute bulldog avatar

and his rape threats.

But we must keep turning
the West against itself,

or Mr. Vladimir gets sad!

And if Mr. Vladimir
gets sad, I get sad,

and people go missing.

There must be other ways

to undermine
politics in the UK.

Before Jacob Rees-Mogg
become prime minister

and finish job for us.

OK. Let's ball-spit.

- Take over newspaper?
- Done it.

Disseminate fake radios
on Facebook?

Oh, what's that sound?

It's me, snoring from
the boredom emotion.

I want new ways
to undermine democracy.

Recipe books.

Oleg:
Who need recipe book?

Vodka dumpling,
put vodka on dumpling.

Only recipe anyone ever need.

But average British
person gets given

eight recipe books
every Christmas.

Yes. Infiltrate the publishers,

buy up every printers.

Those recipes will be adjusted!

- Hmm.
- That smells lovely.

It's the new Nigella.

Why does it say,
"NATO is shit?"

I dunno.
Maybe 'cause it is.

( bells ringing )

Getting on with the job
of government.

That's what I'm doing.

Course you are, dearest.

And I'm planning
for an orderly Brexit.

Look, I bought
a new exercise book,

and I've written,
"Orderly Brexit" on there,

and I've underlined it twice.

Shall I put a box
around it as well?

No? Yes? No?

( gasps ) Was that
a sound on the stairs?

Is that Hammond
come to oust me?

Or Johnson or Rudd
or... all of them?

Philip, put a chair
under that doorknob--

that's a boy job.

Don't be silly, old girl.

Nobody's going
to get rid of you--

for at least
the next six weeks.

I'm doing my best. I even
asked Michael Gove back,

and if that doesn't
win over the masses,

then I don't know
what will.

It's dashed unfair.

And now Corbyn's
appearing at Glastonbury.

Maybe I should do that.

I mean not there,
but Penny's having

a bassoon recital
in Chichester,

and I could give my talk
about grammar schools.

( phone ringing )

- Don't answer that.
- ( voicemail beeps )

Voicemail: Hello,
it's Arlene Foster from the DUP.

We have a few more requests.

We want a Wagamama
in Londonderry,

and we demand an extension
to the Giant's Causeway

because people
on TripAdvisor keep saying

it's not as big
as they thought it would be.

( beeps )

I remember
when I thought the DUP

was just a courier service

for my Net-a-Porter
deliveries.

Are you OK, old stick?
You seem a bit tense.

- ( knocking on door )
- ( gasps )

This is it.

I had so much I wanted to do,

and at some point I was going
to tell everyone what that was.

It's OK, dear,
just a delivery. This is for you.

Oh.

Oh! A Vivienne Westwood dress!

Oh, what a comfort!

I can't wait to feel it swish
against my dry, white knees.

( sighs ) What's that?

Oh, just a little
something to help you.

It's a CD to teach you
how to talk to humans.

You just listen to the phrases,

and then repeat
what they say.

Uh.

- Woman on CD: How are you?
- Strong and stable.

No. Repeat what it says.

Recording: The weather
has been uncomfortably warm.

That's Jeremy Corbyn's fault.

Yeah, we'll try
again later, shall we?

Yes. Back to negotiating
an orderly Brexit

that works for Britain.

I might underline it again.

What's a Paddy Power?

And what does it mean,
"£10 each way on David Davis"?

I don't know.
It just popped up.

No hymns for you tonight.

He's in his bedroom again.

Ryan has always
loved his computers.

He's never had a lot of friends,

but since he started
his own YouTube channel,

he's really blossomed.

And it's ever so popular.

Yep. This country's
at a breaking point

thanks to all the illegal
immigrants coming over here

and takin' our jobs.

The alt right
are coming for you.

There's no safe spaces
in the real world, snowflakes.

And it's all harmless,
isn't it?

A few words now about
so-called transsexuals.

People like me are
red-pilling the world.

Daisy's in here.

She's got her own
YouTube channel too,

and it's done wonders for her.

So, @vanessaainsworth,
you think you're cool,

but I've seen your Instagram,

and you're really fat.

You're actually like a whale
that's swallowed another whale.

Hmm. She's really
come out of her shell.

You are a disgusting...

fat pig!

Which is nice.

And, well, the kids' hobbies
even rubbed off on my husband,

and he never really
understood computers,

but he's really
into webcams now.

- ( vacuum roars )
- Don't come in!

D-Do you think I should
call the police?

- ( phone ringing )
- ( both grunt )

Ohh.

( voicemail beeps )

Voicemail:
Hello. It's Arlene.

I hope it's not
too late for you.

The DUP has further demands.
You have a pen there?

We want a bowl of M&Ms

with all the homosexual ones
taken out,

Thursday to be called
"Paisley Day,"

and at least
two marching bands to make

the final of "The X Factor."

Disneyland Ulster
to open at...

Voicemail automated voice:
Mailbox is full.

Perhaps it would be easier
to call another election.

( sighs )

( music playing )

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

I used to be his nanny and now
I'm nanny to his children.

She's been in the family
for 50 years.

You get less for murder.

Has the Kremlin been interfering
with the FHM Sexiest Women poll

-Yeah.
-Now, what can we do for you?

I'd like a tattoo
that will do me credit

when I'm skinny-dipping
in St. Tropez

or flashing from the royal box
at the Albert Hall.

-(GRUNTS)
-(BLOWING NOSE)

♪ (CLASSICAL MUSIC CLIMAXES
AND FADES) ♪

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