Original subtitles

♪ When I was small I used to dance ♪

♪ In my mother's bedroom ♪

♪ Then I grew up and did it again ♪

♪ And basically I'm still doing the same show ♪

♪ I did in my mother's bedroom ♪

♪ And I'll do it till the bitter end ♪

♪ 'Cause it's my Tracey Ullman's Show ♪

♪ Tracey Ullman's Show, let's do the show, let's go ♪

♪ Tracey Ullman's Show ♪

♪ Tracey Ullman, Tracey Ullman ♪

♪ Tracey, Tracey, Tracey, Tracey ♪

♪ Tracey Ullman's Show ♪

Let's go.

OK, everyone, welcome.

This support group is for people who are so woke

they're finding it impossible

- to have any fun at all. - ( sighs )

We have somebody new with us this week,

so would you like to introduce yourself?

Uh, hi. I'm Oscar.

Uh, I think, like a lot of you guys,

for me it started with the little things.

Signing an online petition, going out to a march.

Well, I mean, before I knew it, I was writing to The Guardian

about LGBT representation in the Harry Potter books.

- Which is shocking, by the way. - All right, Lilly.

We've all read your blog.

Don't worry, Oscar. You've come to the right place.

All of the young people in this room

are ruining their lives by being overly virtuous.

It's actually a micro-aggression to say "young people"

because it carries subconscious bias towards the elderly.

Actually, what you're doing is denying agency to the elderly, which is arguably much worse.

This is what I'm talking about, you see, it's a slippery slope.

One minute you're carrying a reusable water bottle-- fine--

and the next minute you're arguing that water is racist.

Oh, my god, is water racist?

No, no. It's just an example.

Right, how did you guys get on with the homework that I set you?

"Guys" isn't an especially inclusive term.

- Not now, Jamie. - Lilly: By "homework,"

do you mean having to watch that old people sitcom?

It's called "Friends," Lilly,

and you were supposed to watch it and enjoy it.

Well, I try, but I find it deeply problematic.

- Why? - Well, there's the homophobia,

the transphobia, the fat-ism, and the slut-shaming.

And could Chandler be any more annoying?

You can't go through your 20's worrying about every aspect of everything.

You have to pick your battles.

And just remember that it doesn't really matter,

because by the time you hit your 30s,

most of you are going to be massively right-wing anyway.

( scoffs )

Have any of you started to think

that maybe poor people don't deserve benefits?

- N-No. - Well, watch out for that one,

because that's how it starts.

Look, I understand this has all been

a bit much for some of you,

so let's take five and have a hobnob.

I find the word "hobnob" very phallocentric.

Fuck off, Jamie.

Hey, Bogdan, Bolek, no need to pack up those tools.

But we must go home now.

Yes, back to our unspecified Slavic country.

Brits vote Brexit vote, no longer want builders from Eastern Europe.

But Brits do want your professionalism,

and the fact that you do show up

roughly the day you say you will.

And now there's a way we can all

have our pierogi and eat it, too.

- ( music playing ) - I'm Denise,

and here at my British Building School,

I'll teach you all the traditional skills you'll need

to blend in even after the hardest of Brexits.

From what to call yourselves...

...to how to dress...

...and what to say!

Bogdan: "Bloody right we're late.

Traffic's buggered on ring road."

"Cor blimey, what a bodge job.

Who wired this up, John Wayne?"

And both together...

Bogdan/Bolek: "Phwoooargh!"

And the gesture?

Denise: Enroll now,

and we'll pimp your van for free.

We'll even throw in this heritage builders' radio.

It receives just three stations--

football, racist phone-ins, and medium-wave static.

The volume knob pre-set at blasting.

"I wish my wife to be dirty like van."

That's it. You nearly got it there, Bolek.

Come to Denise's British Building School,

The course costs just £1,000--

or £650 in cash, if you know what I mean.

Both: Phwoooargh!

( chuckles ) That's it, boys.

Any roots showing?

Not on my watch.

Hmm. Birgit, have you seen this?

All these poor actresses

earning less than their male co-stars.

I mean, come on, people, it's 2018!

- It's disgusting, is what it is. - Ja.

These poor women

living in the shadow of this male-led system

in which they are horribly outnumbered and over--

Birgit.

What if all the male world leaders

are earning big bucks,

and I am making half of what they do?

What if I am Michelle Williams,

and they are a big bunch of Mark Wahlbergs?

Oh, don't be so ridiculous. You are not Michelle Williams.

- Although... - Although you do look like sisters.

But there's no way the Greek PM is earning more than you.

Oh, I didn't mean the Greek one.

He probably makes less than you do.

( both laughing )

No, but what about the Putins

and the Trudeaus and the Macrons?

Yeah, but that is not a fair comparison.

Trudeau and Macron make a fortune from calendars alone.

And Putin bare-chested on that horse

sells an awful lot for a country with no gays.

Maybe I'll just call Theresa and ask her what she gets.

Ja, but she gets paid in British pounds,

so, whatever it is, it won't work out as very much anymore.

- Ja, that's true. - ( hangs up )

Maybe I'll just Google it.

There must be some kind of graph or chart or--

Whoa! Well!

( chuckles ) That puts my mind at ease.

So you're doing OK?

Well, let's just say you can

reorder the buns and biscuits

with the chocolate layer on top.

Whoo! And some Duchy Originals.

Oh, I'm not doing that well.

( music playing )

You're watching the news with me, Simone Fredericks.

Further allegations of sexual misconduct have emerged relating to--

You know, I kicked a supervisor in the balls in 2008

instead of accepting his advances.

Perhaps that's why I've been on this night shift

for the past nine years. ( inhales deeply )

The time is... only 20 minutes since I last looked.

Feels like longer.

( music playing )

Jerry Hall: ♪ The Murdoch bunch ♪

♪ The Murdoch bunch ♪

Oh, look at you kids. You look so cute.

Rupert, honey! We're ready!

Oh, no. This one's blank.

What would you write in a Father's Day card

if you liked your dad?

- Google it. - Yeah.

Oh, here's one.

"You are my hero and my role model."

( all laugh )

Erm, "You are the best man I know."

( all laugh )

"I am truly grateful to have you in my life."

Shh. They're coming.

All: Happy Father's Day!

So what've you bought your daddy on this most special of days?

I got you a bungee jump, Dad.

I got you a Diving With Sharks day.

I got you a Running With the Bulls in Pamplona gift card.

Anyone would think you lot are trying to bump me off.

- ( children laugh ) - What about you, numb nuts?

I thought we could go for a day out on my yacht.

Now I know you're trying to bump me off.

Last time we went out on your yacht,

technically my yacht 'cause I bloody paid for it,

I suffered a mysterious heavy blow to the head,

went ass over tit, nearly broke me bleedin' back.

You leeches were trying to Maxwell me.

We would never do that.

You are my hero and my role model.

You are the best man I know.

I am so grateful to have you in my life.

Yeah, very touching.

You should know by now I'm indestructible,

like the News of the World.

Or should I say The Sun on Sunday?

( both chuckle )

( groans )

Oh, careful, honey.

What did you get your daddy?

My daddy's dead, silly.

Not your actual father.

I mean what did you get...

your daddy?

Oh, Rupert. You know that every day

is Daddy's Day in this house.

( loud kissing noises )

Oooh! Jerry, spasm.

Oh. Honey, do you need

one of my special massages?

See kids? Your little yacht plot

has totally backfired.

Ever since the "accident,"

Jerry's taken such good care of me.

( cane clatters )

I feel like I'm 21 again.

Reckon I could last forever.

Shall I get the oil?

That gets a big two thumbs up.

Oh, yeah. We could try that as well.

( all groaning )

My name's Fiona.

I was a top glamour model back in the day.

Started my career with Peter Stringfellow, God rest his soul.

But once I got too old for it-- you know,

- hit the big two-three-- - ( coughs )

I needed a new challenge, so I started my agency--

DollyBird management for dollybirds.

- ( telephone ringing ) - And it's been very successful--

until now.

And you are absolutely sure?

Bye, then.

That's another one gone!

The Birmingham Fridge and Freezer show.

Yeah, apparently, having girls in swimsuits

showing off the new Zanussi is no longer "appropriate."

World's gone mad!

First they got rid of grid girls from Formula One,

now we've lost the darts, we've lost the boxing,

two of our five ready-salted peanut accounts--

and people say, "Well, why don't they just do something else?"

But some young women are actually allergic to clothes,

and they need to work, too!

So we have diversified.

We've got Chloe, lovely Chloe,

working in a GP's waiting room.

Number seven.

Doctor Richards is ready to see you

about your bowel infection.

Fiona: Tanya and Lucy. They're doing a lovely job

hosting at the Keighley Police Station.

And Zoe is the new star at the Aylesbury Morgue.

Is this your husband? Ta-da!

Fiona: So I think the Dollybird agency has a future.

What I say to the world is, whenever you need someone

to bring a smile and a bubbly personality,

my ladies will be there.

And if you try to touch them, I'll break your fingers.

( drill sergeant shouting indistinctly )

- Defense Secretary? - Where?

Oh, right, that's me, isn't it? Sorry. New to the job.

Major General Edwards.

Where? Oh! Right, is that you?

Sorry. I wasn't expecting a--

- Yes. - Yeah.

Gavin Williamson.

And, uh, this is the army then?

- It is. - Right.

So, uh, where do you keep the boats?

Nope, that's the navy.

It's the navy, right, yeah.

Boats equals navy.

Sorry, I'm still slightly playing catch-up

with the details.

Wasn't really expecting

to suddenly become Defense Secretary.

This time last week I was in the Chief Whip's office,

you know, with my pet spider.

- Your...? - Oh, sorry.

Cronus, this is Major General Edwards.

Major General Edwards, this is Cronus.

Yeah, so last week I was just "weird spider guy,"

and now I'm in charge of the full might

of Her Majesty's armed forces. It's insane, eh?

Utterly.

Anyway, the upshot is,

I've suddenly had to swat up

- on the army and navy. - And air force.

There's an air force as well. Right, OK.

Well, I'm learning already.

I'll have the hang of this in no time.

Should I go and address the troops?

If you'd like, I'm sure they'd be delighted to hear from a man

of such uncommon experience.

- They're this way. - Right you are.

That's a Cub Scout salute.

Right. What is the proper salute?

It's army, navy, air force.

Ah. So my next door neighbor thinks I'm in the air force.

Well, I'm glad I asked.

I can't tell you how helpful this has been.

It's been my absolute pleasure.

Now, are there any other questions?

Yes. Can Cronus be your new regimental mascot?

- No. - OK. Can I have a gun?

- No. - Fair enough.

- Right then. Ready? - Absolutely.

Don't worry. They may look like trained killers.

- But? - There's no "but."

Oh, right. Well, here we go.

Oh, and there's a medal to give out this morning,

so make your way to the front and ask to see Private Parts.

I want to see Private Parts.

Right, got it. Ah.

( car horns honking )

OK, guys. It's great to have all the major studio heads here

so we can agree on this new Hollywood code of conduct.

Seriously? A hotel suite?

What? I have all my meetings in a hotel suite.

Oh, right. Well, look.

I think we're all professionals here.

Lionel, what the hell are you doing?

Sorry. Force of habit.

Way I see it,

this shit storm ain't goin' away.

If Harvey can get taken down, who's next?

( cell phone chimes )

Ohh, it's me.

I should, um-- Yeah.

What we need are some simple rules

that all us guys can sign up to.

No physical coercion, no inappropriate touching.

How about asking actresses to watch you pee?

Well, sure. That would definitely be unacceptable.

I should--

What we need is a big star

who can front the whole campaign.

Someone who really represents women's rights.

I'm thinking Tom Hanks. George Clooney?

Mitch, can I interrupt you there?

If we're pitching this as some

anti-sexual-harassment- of-women-kind of thing,

maybe we should make the star a woman.

Clever.

Then we'd only have to pay them half as much.

Who ya thinkin'? Julianne Moore?

She's too old.

What about a younger Julianne Moore?

I mean, if she's too old,

it's like, no one would wanna

sexually harass her in the first place.

No, Mitch. Listen.

We need someone who's really been

through the Hollywood system,

and I think I have the perfect person.

Kelly Stevens.

She was the sexy nuclear scientist in "Superman IV."

- Right. - Kelly, get in here!

Sit yourself down right there, Kelly.

No, wait. What are we thinking?

We should be on the bed. Have a seat.

- Is this better? - I think it's worse.

We'll stand. Let's all stand.

Say, Kelly, you look familiar.

Did we date in the '80s?

I wouldn't call it a date.

I should go.

( sighs )

What do you say? Are you gonna help us

put this harassment business behind us

and get things back to normal?

Normal, Jeff?

I've been in Hollywood

for over 30 years,

and I've been propositioned, pressurized, and groped

by more middle-aged men in positions of power

than you've had soy macchiatos.

And now, you're asking me

to help those exact same men

save their own disgusting, sweaty skins

and pretend that it was just all water under the bridge.

Normal? Are you out of your mind?!

Equally, I'm a Hollywood actress in her mid-'50s,

and it's the best offer I've had in over two decades.

So count me in.

Great! I probably shouldn't touch you.

In fact, being alone with you

in this hotel room is not a great idea.

Not with my reputation.

( tires screeching )

( cell phone beeps )

Your Maj, it's Camilla.

Have you got a sec?

Yeah, I just wanted to talk to you about Charles.

Charles, your son.

No, the other one.

No, the other one.

The thing is that he was all geed up

about that aircraft carrier being named after him,

but he found out it won't be ready for bally years

and he'll probably have popped his jolly old clogs by then.

So I thought, I know what would cheer the old fart up:

if he could be king-- just for a smidge.

What do you think?

( sighs ) Well, what about he's king on Tuesdays and Thursdays,

and you could spend more time with Philip?

Well, no. I can understand that.

It's just that Charles is past retirement age,

and he hasn't done a single day's work yet.

( horn honking )

Oh, just die!

No, not you, Marm.

Some chav. Which reminds me,

must go and buy something for Kate's new baby.

She keeps squirting them out, doesn't she?

( cars honking )

Hello. My name is Carl, and I've been asked here today

to do some work around trust by your boss, Michael Gove.

Yes, trust. So important.

Can I just say that I am 100 percent

behind you here, Carl.

Thank you. ( chuckles )

( whispers ) I'm not sure about Carl.

So, for our first exercise,

someone is going to let themselves fall backwards,

and Michael is going to catch them.

Uh, Cherry, if you'd like to help out here.

Don't worry, Cherry. I can categorically assure you

that you have my total support in relation to this exercise.

So you promise you'll catch me?

I can unequivocally state

that I will definitely catch you.

Right, Cherry. In three, two, one.

Ow! You moved!

Yes. I was fully committed to catching you,

but then I realized that in all good conscience,

I could not do so, so I decided, instead, not to.

Why do you think that was, Michael?

I don't know, but I think the fact that I made

a difficult and unpopular decision

proves that I am a man of principle.

OK. Maybe let's try something else.

Um, Tom, I'm going to ask you and Michael

to stand facing each other, join hands,

and simply look each other in the eye for twenty seconds.

OK?

( squishy sound )

It's probably just sweat.

I don't excrete a resin.

- OK. - And time starts now.

- And time's up! - ( stopwatch beeps )

Michael, how was that for you?

I actually feel much closer to Tom,

like there is now an unspoken bond of trust between us.

That's great. And what about you, Tom?

Carl: Tom?

It's possible that I have absorbed his soul.

OK. Um,

if I could have another volunteer, or...

well, maybe I'll do this one myself.

Um, I'm going to put on this blindfold,

and Michael is going to guide me to those apples over there,

avoiding all the obstacles in the room.

And you have my unwavering assistance in this matter.

Wonderful.

And... forward,

forward, forward, forward, forward, forward-- stop!

And turn right, and left, and turn left,

and forward, forward.

A little bit more, a little bit more,

- a little bit more. - ( Carl screams )

- ( thud ) - ( woman screaming )

- ( car alarm wailing ) - Well, that's lunch.

Don't worry. I won't run off without paying.

Aww. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

- What? - You know we have loads

of fake social media accounts in the West?

- Yes. - Well,

the social media companies

are shutting them down.

- But why? - For being fake.

I suppose that follows.

Oleg: They've closed thousands.

Even "Brexit Chelsea Fan" has gone.

He was my favorite with his cute bulldog avatar

and his rape threats.

But we must keep turning the West against itself,

or Mr. Vladimir gets sad!

And if Mr. Vladimir gets sad, I get sad,

and people go missing.

There must be other ways

to undermine politics in the UK.

Before Jacob Rees-Mogg become prime minister

and finish job for us.

OK. Let's ball-spit.

- Take over newspaper? - Done it.

Disseminate fake radios on Facebook?

Oh, what's that sound?

It's me, snoring from the boredom emotion.

I want new ways to undermine democracy.

Recipe books.

Oleg: Who need recipe book?

Vodka dumpling, put vodka on dumpling.

Only recipe anyone ever need.

But average British person gets given

eight recipe books every Christmas.

Yes. Infiltrate the publishers,

buy up every printers.

Those recipes will be adjusted!

- Hmm. - That smells lovely.

It's the new Nigella.

Why does it say, "NATO is shit?"

I dunno. Maybe 'cause it is.

( bells ringing )

Getting on with the job of government.

That's what I'm doing.

Course you are, dearest.

And I'm planning for an orderly Brexit.

Look, I bought a new exercise book,

and I've written, "Orderly Brexit" on there,

and I've underlined it twice.

Shall I put a box around it as well?

No? Yes? No?

( gasps ) Was that a sound on the stairs?

Is that Hammond come to oust me?

Or Johnson or Rudd or... all of them?

Philip, put a chair under that doorknob--

that's a boy job.

Don't be silly, old girl.

Nobody's going to get rid of you--

for at least the next six weeks.

I'm doing my best. I even asked Michael Gove back,

and if that doesn't win over the masses,

then I don't know what will.

It's dashed unfair.

And now Corbyn's appearing at Glastonbury.

Maybe I should do that.

I mean not there, but Penny's having

a bassoon recital in Chichester,

and I could give my talk about grammar schools.

( phone ringing )

- Don't answer that. - ( voicemail beeps )

Voicemail: Hello, it's Arlene Foster from the DUP.

We have a few more requests.

We want a Wagamama in Londonderry,

and we demand an extension to the Giant's Causeway

because people on TripAdvisor keep saying

it's not as big as they thought it would be.

( beeps )

I remember when I thought the DUP

was just a courier service

for my Net-a-Porter deliveries.

Are you OK, old stick? You seem a bit tense.

- ( knocking on door ) - ( gasps )

This is it.

I had so much I wanted to do,

and at some point I was going to tell everyone what that was.

It's OK, dear, just a delivery. This is for you.

Oh.

Oh! A Vivienne Westwood dress!

Oh, what a comfort!

I can't wait to feel it swish against my dry, white knees.

( sighs ) What's that?

Oh, just a little something to help you.

It's a CD to teach you how to talk to humans.

You just listen to the phrases,

and then repeat what they say.

Uh.

- Woman on CD: How are you? - Strong and stable.

No. Repeat what it says.

Recording: The weather has been uncomfortably warm.

That's Jeremy Corbyn's fault.

Yeah, we'll try again later, shall we?

Yes. Back to negotiating an orderly Brexit

that works for Britain.

I might underline it again.

What's a Paddy Power?

And what does it mean, "£10 each way on David Davis"?

I don't know. It just popped up.

No hymns for you tonight.

He's in his bedroom again.

Ryan has always loved his computers.

He's never had a lot of friends,

but since he started his own YouTube channel,

he's really blossomed.

And it's ever so popular.

Yep. This country's at a breaking point

thanks to all the illegal immigrants coming over here

and takin' our jobs.

The alt right are coming for you.

There's no safe spaces in the real world, snowflakes.

And it's all harmless, isn't it?

A few words now about so-called transsexuals.

People like me are red-pilling the world.

Daisy's in here.

She's got her own YouTube channel too,

and it's done wonders for her.

So, @vanessaainsworth, you think you're cool,

but I've seen your Instagram,

and you're really fat.

You're actually like a whale that's swallowed another whale.

Hmm. She's really come out of her shell.

You are a disgusting...

fat pig!

Which is nice.

And, well, the kids' hobbies even rubbed off on my husband,

and he never really understood computers,

but he's really into webcams now.

- ( vacuum roars ) - Don't come in!

D-Do you think I should call the police?

- ( phone ringing ) - ( both grunt )

Ohh.

( voicemail beeps )

Voicemail: Hello. It's Arlene.

I hope it's not too late for you.

The DUP has further demands. You have a pen there?

We want a bowl of M&Ms

with all the homosexual ones taken out,

Thursday to be called "Paisley Day,"

and at least two marching bands to make

the final of "The X Factor."

Disneyland Ulster to open at...

Voicemail automated voice: Mailbox is full.

Perhaps it would be easier to call another election.

( sighs )

( music playing )

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

I used to be his nanny and now I'm nanny to his children.

She's been in the family for 50 years.

You get less for murder.

Has the Kremlin been interfering with the FHM Sexiest Women poll

-Yeah. -Now, what can we do for you?

I'd like a tattoo that will do me credit

when I'm skinny-dipping in St. Tropez

or flashing from the royal box at the Albert Hall.

-(GRUNTS) -(BLOWING NOSE)

♪ (CLASSICAL MUSIC CLIMAXES AND FADES) ♪

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