Original subtitles

♪ When I was small I used to dance ♪

♪ In my mother's bedroom ♪

♪ Then I grew up and did it again ♪

♪ And basically I'm still doing the same show ♪

♪ I did in my mother's bedroom ♪

♪ And I'll do it till the bitter end ♪

♪ 'Cause it's my Tracey Ullman's Show ♪

♪ Tracey Ullman's Show, let's do the show, let's go ♪

♪ Tracey Ullman's Show ♪

♪ Tracey Ullman, Tracey Ullman ♪

♪ Tracey, Tracey, Tracey, Tracey ♪

♪ Tracey Ullman's Show ♪

Let's go.

Announcer: Coming soon

to every single cinema screen anywhere near you...

Help me, Obi Wan. You're my only hope.

They keep churning out Star Wars movies,

and no one can stop them.

Lucasville presents

a seemingly endless conveyor belt

of Star Wars spin-offs.

Following the mild success of the young Han Solo film

comes "Extremely Young Luke Skywalker."

( lightsaber noises )

( sniffs ) Blimey.

The Force is strong with this one.

Then comes "Extremely Old Chewbacca."

( roaring )

( wheezy coughing )

And that's followed by, I don't know,

"A CGI Princess Leia Spin-off," maybe?

I thought I'd be able to stop doing this now I'm dead.

And you know what?

I bet the ghost of Peter Cushing

is still making more than me.

Star Wars, Episodes 9 through 683--

may the Franchise be with you.

( German accent ) Oh.

( German accent ) Mein Chancellorette, we need to talk about

a delicate matter to do with your image.

Oh, they are not discontinuing this lipstick?

Oh, no, mein gott, no.

Warm Flesh is the nation's favorite.

No, it is something to do with you personally.

Something you started doing when you were with Putin.

There! You just did it then.

What?

Well, don't be like that.

But no, no, I'm being you.

You roll the eyes sometimes

when people test your patience.

You did it to Putin,

and at least ein or zwei of the Trumps.

I do not roll my eyes.

Ja, I'm afraid you do.

( gasps )

Oh, mein gott, I'm rolling the eyes!

And I always thought that I had such a serene and beautiful poker face

- at the summits. - I'm afraid not.

Oh, no! Now they are going to know what I am thinking!

Don't worry, mein Chancellorette, we will train you.

I will take you through some everyday situations,

and all you must do is not roll the eyes.

- Ja? - Ja.

Begin.

The phone rings, you pick it up,

you hear a teenage boy whose voice is breaking.

You realize it is Theresa May.

- Ohh! - Oh!

Try harder!

You are Chancellor, not a GIF.

Ja. All right.

Uh, try Ivanka Trump.

My father's record on women's rights is very good.

As an entrepreneur...

and job creator,

he is a voice for gender equality.

Well done! No eye roll.

- ( claps hands ) - Ahh...

Enough with the nursery slopes.

Do Donald.

We have to stop it, folks!

Have to stop it.

We're so good, it was a home run.

I did beautiful words, they were beautiful words.

But the fake media won't report them.

Germany owes us money-- yes, they do.

They owe us big.

Oh! Mein Chancellorette! Are you OK?

Oh! Oh, Birgit.

I kept mein eyeline straight,

but my powerful eye muscles flipped my entire body

in a state of flipping, flipping!

- I think I sprained my face. - ( telephone ringing )

Oh.

Hello?

It is Boris Johnson.

- ( gasps ) - It's OK.

That one you're allowed.

Hello?

Jerry. Come on, before my pill wears off.

Rupe, I told you, not right now. I'm busy.

Busy with what? What the hell's a carer's allowance?

Well, you can apply for money from the government

if you take care of a senior citizen.

What? What senior citizen do you look after?

Oh, for Christ's sake, Jerry!

We're billionaires! Why the hell are you applying for that pittance?

Well, Mick always used to make me do it.

Unbelievable. Put your pen down,

I'm taking you for lunch at the finest eatery in town.

For real? Oh!

My own Big Mac? Or just one patty each?

Honestly! That man.

( music playing )

President Trump has been involved in a war of words

with Republican Senator--

Well, it's basically the same story as yesterday.

What if I just say "Him again,"

and you can all imagine a childish row

and I can skip the details?

Would that be easier?

Anyway, it's, uh-- I can't see a clock,

so it's probably four-ish.

And I was supposed to be done at midnight.

Is there any sign of Alistair?

No Alistair.

( music playing )

( Russian accent ) Oleg, Marsha, you are coming on a special trip to America.

( Russian accent ) OMG, we're going to Universal Studios.

We are not going to Universal Studios.

No, we are going on an important mission to Washington.

Chief Agent: They keep hiding the Melania robot away.

Even the president gets suspicious.

Without it, Russia only has 129 other ways

of influencing America.

Delivery for the president.

American baseball caps, they are very American!

As are we.

I thought she was running OK.

Melania Robot: He is not here.

He's playing golf-- golf-- golf--

Chief Agent: She keeps malfunctioning

since they gave her a job

campaigning against cyber-bullying.

But her husband is--

World's number one cyber-bully, exactly.

No computer brain in the world

could deal with such a contradiction.

That is why we have to fit her with this:

a logic bypass chip.

How are you? How are you?

I've been through a little rough patch.

Beat this. Fake news-- news--

Hello, Doctor.

( mechanical whirring )

- Nice distracting, Oleg. - Any time.

( music playing )

That is the rebooting noise.

- Does it work? - We'll soon find out.

Melania-bot. What are immigrants?

Bad people.

- And what are you? - An immigrant.

- And do you see a problem with that? - No.

The logic bypass works.

America first.

My jewelry is made in China.

Good job, guys.

Where is Donald?

He looks so sexy in his tennis clothes.

- ( beeping ) - No. He doesn't.

He looks like old sack of donkey guts.

I don't want to make sex to you, donkey guts.

It's going to be a long night.

Donkey guts. Donkey guts.

- ( music playing ) - Alexis, turn music down.

Alexis: No. Why should I?

Announcer: Introducing the new Alexis Teenage Edition,

for when your kids have left home

and you're missing the little darlings.

Alexis, buy milk.

You do it.

You know it's finished. Buy more.

Can I have 50 quid?

Alexis, open curtains.

I'll do it later.

Alexis, turn off lights.

Get lost.

Alexis, how dare you speak to me like that?!

Are you, like, going through the menopause or something?

Announcer: The new Alexis Teenage Edition,

the perfect gadget for every empty-nester.

Alexis? Alexis?

Alexis!

Alexis!

What?!

Alexis, I've told you to leave your door open

when Siri's around.

Oh, but I really love him!

Siri, do you love me too?

I'm sorry. I do not understand the question.

Announcer: The new Alexis Teenage Edition,

to remind you why you were happy

to see them go in the first place.

( music playing )

This week we've asked you to bake a cake

based on something you dream about.

So, what have we got here?

Well, Prue, this represents a city

being destroyed by a North Korean nuclear warhead.

The concentric circles in icing

show you how likely you are to die,

so lemon is 40%,

strawberry 50%, and in the middle--

Man: Sorry, cut.

- ( whispering ) - Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

I'll tell her, I'll tell her.

Jemima, we seem to have a teensy bit of a problem.

I knew I shouldn't have put sultanas in.

No, it's more the whole atom-bombiness.

But I can't stop thinking about it.

It's just there in my mind all the time.

Yes, mine too.

I think everybody's a teensy bit scared

of dying in a lake of fire.

But that's why people watch "Bake-Off,"

to take their minds off that.

We create a different world, an imaginary place

where everything isn't spiraling towards certain doom.

So let's try it again, shall we?

Yes.

What do we have here?

This cake shows...

a magic tree.

Oh, lovely!

And what are these circles?

- It's where the fairies dance. - Oh!

And I just love these shapes here!

Pretty windmills.

It's a delightful cake,

and it makes me feel very calm

- and safe. - Thank you.

Now, Sam,

tell me about your cake.

My Victoria sponge shows my hometown...

after the icecaps melt.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

( music playing )

( French accent ) C'est moi, Brigitte.

How are you, mon petit president?

Mwah.

( French accent ) I am so frustrated with France.

You can't get anything done here!

I have just had a four-hour meeting with the unions--

- three hours of it was lunch. - That is not so bad.

For the other hour, they were on strike.

They are so... ohh, they are so...

- they are so... - French?

Right?

All I want to do is crush the unions

and take away workers' rights.

Why do people have a problem with that?

You must be careful, mon chou-fleur,

you'll make yourself unpopular.

Mrs. Maggie Thatcher did it, and everybody loved her.

You don't really remember the '80s, do you?

No, you must be patient.

Changement is slow in France.

Remember how long it took Disneyland Paris

to get Snow White to shave her armpits?

I want France to be in the future.

I want it to be Daft Punk, not Serge Gainsbourg.

Don't be rude about Serge. Not everything old is bad.

- You're not old. - I did not mean me.

I mean this.

Ohh. ( laughs )

The 1994 school yearbook.

Aw, it's when we met.

You look exactly the same.

Oh, and there I am!

( laughs ) What a dweeb!

"Most likely to become president before 40...

and marry the drama teacher."

( female vocalist singing in French )

( song continues )

( audience applauding )

( song continues )

You knew. I knew.

I didn't care.

All I could think about was how I could marry you

and be the father to your trois enfants.

( chuckles ) Once I got my driver's license.

Oh, Emmanuel, can you see now

that the past can be wonderful?

If France was a truly modern country,

then there would be rules saying that you cannot marry your teacher,

and I would be in prison, and not the Elysée Palace.

Perhaps the old French ways are not so bad.

You can stink of Gauloises, be rude to tourists,

and still people think you are sophisticated.

Let us go to a three-star Michelin restaurant,

and then we can make love on an art nouveau balcony.

Oh! You are the most beautiful woman alive!

Emmanuel, careful, my hip! My hip!

- Oh! Oh! - Ooh la la.

Alexis, what's the weather like today?

Old Lady Alexis: Ohh! Back in my day,

we didn't have all this technology,

and we seemed to get along just fine!

Announcer: Introducing the all-new Alexis Senior Edition.

Alexis, call Trevor.

Is that your new fancy man?

If I'd have had more than one fella in my life,

I'd have been called a slapper.

But I suppose times change.

Alexis, call Trevor!

Oh, that reminds me,

you'll never guess who else has got cancer.

Announcer: The new Alexis Senior Edition.

Alexis, book a taxi in five minutes.

Ohh, I don't know. Everyone's in such a hurry nowadays.

Announcer: Now 50% more reactionary.

Alexis, dim lights.

And shall I also put the temperature up?

I expect it's usually hotter than this

where he comes from.

Really?

I'm sorry about her!

She won't be around much longer.

Typical! And she promised she'd never put me in a home.

Here it goes. See?

You look relaxed and natural there.

Philip, that's a Madame Toussauds waxwork.

The real me would never be standing next to Boris and smiling.

Could be worse. They could have put you next to Trump. ( laughs )

Oh, Philip, it's not funny.

I have to Skype him now

and discuss the arrangements.

Has anyone actually told Trump

that his royal visit's no longer royal?

Well, I'll add it to my list of things

I need to speak firmly to him about.

- Now, which button-- - This.

- This one. - Mm-hmm.

( ringing )

He's not there. Never mind.

I'll try next month.

Hello.

( groans )

How are you, Mr. President?

I'm in another country.

It's called Asia.

It's really exotic and different.

What have you been doing?

Playing golf and eating hamburgers.

Can I have those on my royal visit to England Land?

Actually, your trip's been, um, adjusted

to a working visit.

But I still get to ride in a gold carriage, right?

And I wanna meet Duchess Kate--

but not if she's still carrying baby fat.

I have high standards. The highest.

Donald, there are some things I really need

to speak to you about.

First, I have a question,

and it's a very normal question.

Are you wearing a wire?

No, I'm not wearing a wire.

Good. Although I got nothin' to worry about.

Papadopoulos was very low-level,

I hardly knew Manafort,

didn't even realize he was my campaign manager

or long-term friend.

- I see. - All these people

are low-level.

Take Ivanka. She's a low-level volunteer daughter,

from an old wife, who I fired before the campaign--

a campaign I did not know much about.

I left that all to the Russians.

Look, I have some things to say to you,

and I intend to say them.

Ahem.

When you come here,

I insist you don't grab anyone

by the you-know-what,

link moped crime to Islamic terrorism,

or threaten nuclear wars that may or may not incinerate

the Northern Hemisphere.

There. I've said it.

And we can tell the press that I stood up to you

and that I'm strong-- which I am.

I hope I didn't go too far.

Did I go too far?

Please, can we still have a trade deal?

What was that? I wasn't listening.

I was doing a tweet

about how we should kill all of America's judges,

even the ones from "America's Got Talent."

Right. Well, it's always good to talk to you.

Theresa, it's always good to be on Fox News.

I'm not Fox News.

I'm the British Prime Minister. Remember?

So that's why you're not hot?

OK, what button kills the call?

Is it this one?

( sighs )

Someone get me a--

( Irish accent ) Are you a Remainer who's scared about life after Brexit?

Worried you'll be forced to queue for hours at Passport Control

while the rest of the EU walks by, laughin' at ya?

Well, ya should be, you big British idiot.

But don't worry, Paddy Passports can help.

The deadline for Brexit is fast approaching,

so join the 160,000 Brits who have already applied

for an Irish passport,

presumably one that says,

"I'm still a European, so don't fuckin' hate me."

Our dedicated team will trawl through your ancestry

and find some kind of Irish relative who qualifies ya.

Sure, everyone's a bit Irish, aren't they?

Paddy Passports helped me remember

that my own mother was from Dublin.

So the next time you see me playing Mrs. Brown,

( Irish accent ) it'll be the fuckin' other one!

If we can't find even a Bono of Irish in ya,

don't stress yourself, now.

We also have thousands of authentic Irish men and women

ready and waiting to tie the knot.

I'll share my frictionless borders with any British man.

And he can take me to a country where

it rains marginally less

and I don't have to vote to get access to a safe abortion.

Everyone's a winner!

And we don't just do Ireland.

Now we sort passports for Remainers with tenuous links

to any EU country.

My hubby realized his pops was fairly Greek,

so we both got one.

So now when the family nips over to Santorini,

we'll get to laugh at Wills and Kate

stuck in the British queue.

So don't delay! Go to PassportsforEU.com now!

Not available in blue.

Ahoy there, me hearties!

I've got three sprogs-- the heir, the spare,

and the spare for the spare,

and I'll pick them up on Tuesday.

Oh, no, you can't leave them.

You have to supervise them at all times.

Oh, bugger it!

Looks like Granny Camilla's going to stay.

Right, off you go.

Are you here because the polo's been rained off, too?

No. School intake day.

William insisted that he and Kate have some quality time.

The last time he did that, this one came along.

Well, it's great for them to burn off some energy.

Yes, and I've been looking for something for that

ever since Charles said we weren't allowed to chase them with dogs.

Well, like any lady with a baby,

I need to know where's--

- The changing room? - The bar.

That's odd. Only seems to be mixers.

Ohh, I've left my hip flask in my other Wellies.

Ohh. Where's the girl one gone?

- I think she went in there. - Ohh!

Where are the SAS when you need them?

Look, I'm going in,

and if I don't make it back,

tell Charles he's the best shag I ever had.

Well, top five, anyway.

( grunts ) Come here! Ugh!

One's wibbly bits are wedged!

Whee!

Wait there, George!

Are you in here?

That was quite fun.

Like the Grand National,

but without having to shoot anything.

I found her!

She was in the balls!

Right, troops.

- Come along. - Sorry.

Excuse me. Are you sure she's yours?

Oh, we just put them in a frock coat and some T-bar shoes

and nobody knows the difference.

Camilla: Everybody, let's go!

Announcer: Introducing the new Alexis Long Term Relationship Edition.

Alexis, buy wine for Carol's party on Friday.

Male Alexis: You didn't tell me about Carol's party.

No, that's fine, I'll cancel my plans.

Announcer: It's just like you've been together forever.

Alexis, turn classical music on.

Uh-huh.

Alexis, turn classical music on.

Yes! Get in!

Alexis, are you even listening to me?!

Alexis, recommend a local takeaway.

I don't mind. You decide.

Well, you must have an opinion.

No, no, really, whatever. You choose.

Alexis, order pizza.

Oh, not pizza!

Announcer: The new Alexis

Long Term Relationship Edition.

( Alexis snoring )

Announcer: Remember exactly why

you chose to stay single in the first place.

Get out!

And take your charging dock with you!

- Sharon Osborne: Come! - Assistant: Right,

three minutes to studio, Mrs. O.

Anything I can do for you?

A tea, a coffee, go over the new rules again?

I think I've got them now, darling.

So, half the singers sing on the Saturday,

and half on the Sunday.

And then there's a sing-off

between the worst two singers.

- The best. - Ah. No, that's right.

The best singers go head-to-head

to see who gets kicked off.

No, to see who wins.

Yes, to see who wins the show.

No, who wins the prize.

Oh, that's right, yes.

There's a prize now, so no one loses.

Uh, no, more people do lose.

I thought more people won.

Well, yes, but more people win less,

so we lose more losers while seeing more winners.

Oh! Ohhh!

For the love of God!

Who came up with these rules?!

Simon did. After he fell down the stairs and hit his head.

Well, can someone just explain them to me in words I can understand?

Ozzy Osborne: Sharon, it's easy.

You go... ( mumbling )

The judges... ( mumbling )

and then all people going... ( mumbling )

( continues mumbling )

...finalist, Sharon.

Well, it's simple

when you put it like that.

Can you get that written onto a card for me?

Thanks, sweetheart. Mwah.

Hello, and welcome to "The Review Show"

here on BBC Four--

too smart for BBC One, too smug for BBC Two.

Tonight I'm joined by not one woman, but two,

partly because there was a booking error,

but also because we're discussing

a new season of female-led TV drama.

Let's take a look, shall we?

Female Announcer: New to the BBC,

a season of those dramas about powerful women.

Judge Jane Jones is a no-nonsense lawmaker

at the top of her game.

- Objection, Your Honor. - Overruled.

And believe me, I know when to overrule.

I am damn good at my job.

Mummy, you said you'd be home today.

You said you'd take us to the park.

I would love to, but I'm too busy judging.

Announcer: And because this is drama, she's bound to snap.

So, Jane, I hear your ex-husband took the children away.

I'm not surprised, as you have a successful career,

so you can't have a family as well.

Announcer: Jane Hart is a no-nonsense surgeon at the top of her game.

I know I can save him, damn it.

I'm the best surgeon in the country--

maybe even the world.

Hello, David, I really need

to have self-destructive sex with someone

in a way that'll bring about my downfall.

Announcer: And since she's powerful, she's bound to snap.

The young man you had sex with

has told everybody at the hospital.

If you will have sex with people,

especially at your age...

Announcer: Jane Strong

is a no-nonsense architect at the top of her game.

I don't want to hear your excuses-- just get it done.

Hi. I'm your new colleague Clair Foundations.

I'm also no-nonsense and at the top of my game.

I hear you've both gone for the same promotion.

One or both of you is bound to snap.

So, Carol, if I can come to you first,

isn't it great to finally see so many female characters

- at the top of their game? - Well, it would be

if they didn't portray all powerful women

as inevitably psychotic.

These shows suggest any woman

with a half-decent job is destined to self-destruct.

- It's ridiculous. - OK.

Kelly, I imagine you'd like to disagree,

because that is why we have two of you.

No. No, I agree with Carol.

What?

Women with successful careers

are written like it's some kind of character flaw.

I find that quite offensive.

But y-you're both no-nonsense television reviewers

at the top of your game.

You're not gonna violently disagree

and then commit some sort of impulsive act

that ultimately leads to your downfall?

I think you've been watching a bit too much telly, Martin.

What if I told you we only had space

for one of you on next week's show?

Wouldn't matter.

In real life, professional women--

Well, that's that bitch out of the way.

Would you like to have an affair?

Thought you'd never ask.

( music playing )

Oh no! What is it, rats?

-Termites? -Worse. Hipsters.

Can't you put some poison down or something?

Every day, millions of men around the world

are enjoying things full of men.

But we can make it stop.

-Giddy-up, filly! -This footage is appalling.

If you're going to film an incident,

why on Earth would you do it in portrait mode?

-♪ (CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -(SPLASHING)

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0