All language subtitles for Tracey Ullmans Show s03e01.eng

♪ When I was small
I used to dance ♪

♪ In my mother's bedroom ♪

♪ Then I grew up
and did it again ♪

♪ And basically
I'm still doing the same show ♪

♪ I did in my mother's bedroom ♪

♪ And I'll do it
till the bitter end ♪

♪ 'Cause it's my
Tracey Ullman's Show ♪

♪ Tracey Ullman's Show,
let's do the show, let's go ♪

♪ Tracey Ullman's Show ♪

♪ Tracey Ullman,
Tracey Ullman ♪

♪ Tracey, Tracey,
Tracey, Tracey ♪

♪ Tracey Ullman's Show ♪

Let's go.

Announcer:
Coming soon

to every single cinema screen
anywhere near you...

Help me, Obi Wan.
You're my only hope.

They keep churning out
Star Wars movies,

and no one can stop them.

Lucasville presents

a seemingly endless
conveyor belt

of Star Wars spin-offs.

Following the mild success
of the young Han Solo film

comes "Extremely Young
Luke Skywalker."

( lightsaber noises )

( sniffs ) Blimey.

The Force is strong
with this one.

Then comes
"Extremely Old Chewbacca."

( roaring )

( wheezy coughing )

And that's followed by,
I don't know,

"A CGI Princess Leia Spin-off,"
maybe?

I thought I'd be able
to stop doing this now I'm dead.

And you know what?

I bet the ghost of Peter Cushing

is still making more than me.

Star Wars,
Episodes 9 through 683--

may the Franchise
be with you.

( German accent )
Oh.

( German accent )
Mein Chancellorette, we need to talk about

a delicate matter
to do with your image.

Oh, they are not
discontinuing this lipstick?

Oh, no, mein gott, no.

Warm Flesh is
the nation's favorite.

No, it is something
to do with you personally.

Something you started doing
when you were with Putin.

There!
You just did it then.

What?

Well, don't be like that.

But no, no, I'm being you.

You roll the eyes
sometimes

when people test
your patience.

You did it to Putin,

and at least ein or zwei
of the Trumps.

I do not roll my eyes.

Ja, I'm afraid you do.

( gasps )

Oh, mein gott,
I'm rolling the eyes!

And I always thought
that I had such a serene and beautiful poker face

- at the summits.
- I'm afraid not.

Oh, no! Now they are going
to know what I am thinking!

Don't worry,
mein Chancellorette, we will train you.

I will take you through
some everyday situations,

and all you must do
is not roll the eyes.

- Ja?
- Ja.

Begin.

The phone rings,
you pick it up,

you hear a teenage boy
whose voice is breaking.

You realize it is Theresa May.

- Ohh!
- Oh!

Try harder!

You are Chancellor,
not a GIF.

Ja. All right.

Uh, try Ivanka Trump.

My father's record
on women's rights is very good.

As an entrepreneur...

and job creator,

he is a voice
for gender equality.

Well done! No eye roll.

- ( claps hands )
- Ahh...

Enough with
the nursery slopes.

Do Donald.

We have to stop it, folks!

Have to stop it.

We're so good,
it was a home run.

I did beautiful words,
they were beautiful words.

But the fake media
won't report them.

Germany owes us money--
yes, they do.

They owe us big.

Oh! Mein Chancellorette!
Are you OK?

Oh! Oh, Birgit.

I kept mein eyeline straight,

but my powerful eye muscles
flipped my entire body

in a state of flipping,
flipping!

- I think I sprained my face.
- ( telephone ringing )

Oh.

Hello?

It is Boris Johnson.

- ( gasps )
- It's OK.

That one you're allowed.

Hello?

Jerry. Come on,
before my pill wears off.

Rupe, I told you,
not right now. I'm busy.

Busy with what?
What the hell's a carer's allowance?

Well, you can apply for money
from the government

if you take care
of a senior citizen.

What? What senior citizen
do you look after?

Oh, for Christ's sake, Jerry!

We're billionaires!
Why the hell are you applying for that pittance?

Well, Mick always
used to make me do it.

Unbelievable.
Put your pen down,

I'm taking you for lunch
at the finest eatery in town.

For real? Oh!

My own Big Mac?
Or just one patty each?

Honestly!
That man.

( music playing )

President Trump has been
involved in a war of words

with Republican Senator--

Well, it's basically
the same story as yesterday.

What if I just say "Him again,"

and you can all imagine
a childish row

and I can skip the details?

Would that be easier?

Anyway, it's, uh--
I can't see a clock,

so it's probably four-ish.

And I was supposed
to be done at midnight.

Is there any sign of Alistair?

No Alistair.

( music playing )

( Russian accent )
Oleg, Marsha, you are coming on a special trip to America.

( Russian accent )
OMG, we're going to Universal Studios.

We are not going
to Universal Studios.

No, we are going
on an important mission to Washington.

Chief Agent:
They keep hiding the Melania robot away.

Even the president
gets suspicious.

Without it, Russia
only has 129 other ways

of influencing America.

Delivery
for the president.

American baseball caps,
they are very American!

As are we.

I thought she was
running OK.

Melania Robot:
He is not here.

He's playing golf--
golf-- golf--

Chief Agent:
She keeps malfunctioning

since they gave her a job

campaigning against
cyber-bullying.

But her husband is--

World's number one cyber-bully,
exactly.

No computer brain in the world

could deal with
such a contradiction.

That is why
we have to fit her with this:

a logic bypass chip.

How are you?
How are you?

I've been through
a little rough patch.

Beat this. Fake news-- news--

Hello, Doctor.

( mechanical whirring )

- Nice distracting, Oleg.
- Any time.

( music playing )

That is the rebooting noise.

- Does it work?
- We'll soon find out.

Melania-bot.
What are immigrants?

Bad people.

- And what are you?
- An immigrant.

- And do you see a problem
with that? - No.

The logic bypass works.

America first.

My jewelry is made in China.

Good job, guys.

Where is Donald?

He looks so sexy
in his tennis clothes.

- ( beeping )
- No. He doesn't.

He looks like old sack
of donkey guts.

I don't want to make sex
to you, donkey guts.

It's going to be
a long night.

Donkey guts.
Donkey guts.

- ( music playing )
- Alexis, turn music down.

Alexis:
No. Why should I?

Announcer:
Introducing the new Alexis Teenage Edition,

for when your kids
have left home

and you're missing
the little darlings.

Alexis, buy milk.

You do it.

You know it's finished.
Buy more.

Can I have 50 quid?

Alexis, open curtains.

I'll do it later.

Alexis, turn off lights.

Get lost.

Alexis, how dare you
speak to me like that?!

Are you, like, going through
the menopause or something?

Announcer:
The new Alexis Teenage Edition,

the perfect gadget
for every empty-nester.

Alexis? Alexis?

Alexis!

Alexis!

What?!

Alexis, I've told you
to leave your door open

when Siri's around.

Oh, but I really love him!

Siri, do you love me too?

I'm sorry. I do not
understand the question.

Announcer:
The new Alexis Teenage Edition,

to remind you why
you were happy

to see them go
in the first place.

( music playing )

This week we've asked you
to bake a cake

based on something
you dream about.

So, what have we got here?

Well, Prue,
this represents a city

being destroyed by
a North Korean nuclear warhead.

The concentric circles
in icing

show you how likely
you are to die,

so lemon is 40%,

strawberry 50%,
and in the middle--

Man:
Sorry, cut.

- ( whispering )
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

I'll tell her, I'll tell her.

Jemima, we seem to have
a teensy bit of a problem.

I knew I shouldn't have
put sultanas in.

No, it's more
the whole atom-bombiness.

But I can't stop
thinking about it.

It's just there
in my mind all the time.

Yes, mine too.

I think everybody's
a teensy bit scared

of dying in a lake of fire.

But that's why people
watch "Bake-Off,"

to take their minds off that.

We create a different world,
an imaginary place

where everything isn't
spiraling towards certain doom.

So let's try it again,
shall we?

Yes.

What do we have here?

This cake shows...

a magic tree.

Oh, lovely!

And what are
these circles?

- It's where the fairies dance.
- Oh!

And I just love
these shapes here!

Pretty windmills.

It's a delightful cake,

and it makes me feel very calm

- and safe.
- Thank you.

Now, Sam,

tell me about your cake.

My Victoria sponge
shows my hometown...

after the icecaps melt.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

( music playing )

( French accent )
C'est moi, Brigitte.

How are you,
mon petit president?

Mwah.

( French accent )
I am so frustrated with France.

You can't get
anything done here!

I have just had
a four-hour meeting with the unions--

- three hours of it was lunch.
- That is not so bad.

For the other hour,
they were on strike.

They are so...
ohh, they are so...

- they are so...
- French?

Right?

All I want to do
is crush the unions

and take away workers' rights.

Why do people
have a problem with that?

You must be careful,
mon chou-fleur,

you'll make yourself
unpopular.

Mrs. Maggie Thatcher did it,
and everybody loved her.

You don't really remember
the '80s, do you?

No, you must be patient.

Changement is slow in France.

Remember how long it took
Disneyland Paris

to get Snow White
to shave her armpits?

I want France
to be in the future.

I want it to be Daft Punk,
not Serge Gainsbourg.

Don't be rude about Serge.
Not everything old is bad.

- You're not old.
- I did not mean me.

I mean this.

Ohh. ( laughs )

The 1994 school yearbook.

Aw, it's when we met.

You look exactly the same.

Oh, and there I am!

( laughs )
What a dweeb!

"Most likely to
become president before 40...

and marry
the drama teacher."

( female vocalist
singing in French )

( song continues )

( audience applauding )

( song continues )

You knew. I knew.

I didn't care.

All I could think about
was how I could marry you

and be the father
to your trois enfants.

( chuckles ) Once I got
my driver's license.

Oh, Emmanuel,
can you see now

that the past
can be wonderful?

If France was
a truly modern country,

then there would be rules
saying that you cannot marry your teacher,

and I would be in prison,
and not the Elysée Palace.

Perhaps the old French ways
are not so bad.

You can stink of Gauloises,
be rude to tourists,

and still people think
you are sophisticated.

Let us go to a three-star
Michelin restaurant,

and then we can make love
on an art nouveau balcony.

Oh! You are the most
beautiful woman alive!

Emmanuel, careful,
my hip! My hip!

- Oh! Oh!
- Ooh la la.

Alexis, what's the weather
like today?

Old Lady Alexis:
Ohh! Back in my day,

we didn't have
all this technology,

and we seemed to get along
just fine!

Announcer:
Introducing the all-new Alexis Senior Edition.

Alexis, call Trevor.

Is that your new fancy man?

If I'd have had
more than one fella in my life,

I'd have been called a slapper.

But I suppose times change.

Alexis, call Trevor!

Oh, that reminds me,

you'll never guess
who else has got cancer.

Announcer:
The new Alexis Senior Edition.

Alexis, book a taxi
in five minutes.

Ohh, I don't know. Everyone's
in such a hurry nowadays.

Announcer:
Now 50% more reactionary.

Alexis, dim lights.

And shall I also
put the temperature up?

I expect it's usually
hotter than this

where he comes from.

Really?

I'm sorry about her!

She won't be around much longer.

Typical! And she promised
she'd never put me in a home.

Here it goes. See?

You look relaxed
and natural there.

Philip, that's
a Madame Toussauds waxwork.

The real me would never
be standing next to Boris and smiling.

Could be worse. They could
have put you next to Trump. ( laughs )

Oh, Philip, it's not funny.

I have to Skype him now

and discuss the arrangements.

Has anyone actually told Trump

that his royal visit's
no longer royal?

Well, I'll add it
to my list of things

I need to speak firmly
to him about.

- Now, which button--
- This.

- This one.
- Mm-hmm.

( ringing )

He's not there. Never mind.

I'll try next month.

Hello.

( groans )

How are you, Mr. President?

I'm in another country.

It's called Asia.

It's really exotic
and different.

What have you been doing?

Playing golf
and eating hamburgers.

Can I have those
on my royal visit to England Land?

Actually, your trip's been,
um, adjusted

to a working visit.

But I still get to ride
in a gold carriage, right?

And I wanna meet Duchess Kate--

but not if she's still
carrying baby fat.

I have high standards.
The highest.

Donald, there are some things
I really need

to speak to you about.

First, I have a question,

and it's a very normal
question.

Are you wearing a wire?

No, I'm not wearing a wire.

Good. Although I got nothin'
to worry about.

Papadopoulos
was very low-level,

I hardly knew Manafort,

didn't even realize
he was my campaign manager

or long-term friend.

- I see.
- All these people

are low-level.

Take Ivanka. She's a low-level
volunteer daughter,

from an old wife, who I fired
before the campaign--

a campaign I did not know
much about.

I left that all
to the Russians.

Look, I have some things
to say to you,

and I intend to say them.

Ahem.

When you come here,

I insist you don't grab anyone

by the you-know-what,

link moped crime
to Islamic terrorism,

or threaten nuclear wars
that may or may not incinerate

the Northern Hemisphere.

There. I've said it.

And we can tell the press
that I stood up to you

and that I'm strong--
which I am.

I hope I didn't go too far.

Did I go too far?

Please, can we still have
a trade deal?

What was that?
I wasn't listening.

I was doing a tweet

about how we should kill
all of America's judges,

even the ones from
"America's Got Talent."

Right. Well, it's always
good to talk to you.

Theresa, it's always good
to be on Fox News.

I'm not Fox News.

I'm the British Prime Minister.
Remember?

So that's why you're not hot?

OK, what button kills the call?

Is it this one?

( sighs )

Someone get me a--

( Irish accent )
Are you a Remainer who's scared about life after Brexit?

Worried you'll be forced
to queue for hours at Passport Control

while the rest of the EU
walks by, laughin' at ya?

Well, ya should be,
you big British idiot.

But don't worry,
Paddy Passports can help.

The deadline for Brexit
is fast approaching,

so join the 160,000 Brits
who have already applied

for an Irish passport,

presumably one that says,

"I'm still a European,
so don't fuckin' hate me."

Our dedicated team will trawl
through your ancestry

and find some kind of Irish
relative who qualifies ya.

Sure, everyone's
a bit Irish, aren't they?

Paddy Passports
helped me remember

that my own mother
was from Dublin.

So the next time you see me
playing Mrs. Brown,

( Irish accent )
it'll be the fuckin' other one!

If we can't find
even a Bono of Irish in ya,

don't stress yourself, now.

We also have thousands
of authentic Irish men and women

ready and waiting
to tie the knot.

I'll share my frictionless
borders with any British man.

And he can take me
to a country where

it rains marginally less

and I don't have to vote to get
access to a safe abortion.

Everyone's a winner!

And we don't just do Ireland.

Now we sort passports
for Remainers with tenuous links

to any EU country.

My hubby realized his pops
was fairly Greek,

so we both got one.

So now when the family
nips over to Santorini,

we'll get to laugh
at Wills and Kate

stuck in the British queue.

So don't delay! Go to
PassportsforEU.com now!

Not available in blue.

Ahoy there, me hearties!

I've got three sprogs--
the heir, the spare,

and the spare for the spare,

and I'll pick them up
on Tuesday.

Oh, no,
you can't leave them.

You have to supervise them
at all times.

Oh, bugger it!

Looks like Granny Camilla's
going to stay.

Right, off you go.

Are you here
because the polo's been rained off, too?

No. School intake day.

William insisted
that he and Kate have some quality time.

The last time he did that,
this one came along.

Well, it's great for them
to burn off some energy.

Yes,
and I've been looking for something for that

ever since Charles said
we weren't allowed to chase them with dogs.

Well, like any lady
with a baby,

I need to know where's--

- The changing room?
- The bar.

That's odd. Only seems
to be mixers.

Ohh, I've left my hip flask
in my other Wellies.

Ohh. Where's the girl one
gone?

- I think she went in there.
- Ohh!

Where are the SAS
when you need them?

Look, I'm going in,

and if I don't make it back,

tell Charles
he's the best shag I ever had.

Well, top five, anyway.

( grunts ) Come here! Ugh!

One's wibbly bits are wedged!

Whee!

Wait there, George!

Are you in here?

That was quite fun.

Like the Grand National,

but without having
to shoot anything.

I found her!

She was in the balls!

Right, troops.

- Come along.
- Sorry.

Excuse me.
Are you sure she's yours?

Oh, we just put them
in a frock coat and some T-bar shoes

and nobody knows
the difference.

Camilla:
Everybody, let's go!

Announcer:
Introducing the new Alexis Long Term Relationship Edition.

Alexis, buy wine
for Carol's party on Friday.

Male Alexis:
You didn't tell me about Carol's party.

No, that's fine,
I'll cancel my plans.

Announcer:
It's just like you've been together forever.

Alexis, turn classical music on.

Uh-huh.

Alexis, turn classical music on.

Yes! Get in!

Alexis, are you
even listening to me?!

Alexis, recommend
a local takeaway.

I don't mind. You decide.

Well, you must have an opinion.

No, no, really, whatever.
You choose.

Alexis, order pizza.

Oh, not pizza!

Announcer:
The new Alexis

Long Term Relationship Edition.

( Alexis snoring )

Announcer:
Remember exactly why

you chose to stay single
in the first place.

Get out!

And take your charging dock
with you!

- Sharon Osborne: Come!
- Assistant: Right,

three minutes
to studio, Mrs. O.

Anything I can do for you?

A tea, a coffee,
go over the new rules again?

I think I've got them now,
darling.

So, half the singers
sing on the Saturday,

and half on the Sunday.

And then there's a sing-off

between the worst two singers.

- The best.
- Ah. No, that's right.

The best singers
go head-to-head

to see who gets
kicked off.

No, to see who wins.

Yes, to see who wins the show.

No, who wins the prize.

Oh, that's right, yes.

There's a prize now,
so no one loses.

Uh, no, more people do lose.

I thought more people won.

Well, yes,
but more people win less,

so we lose more losers
while seeing more winners.

Oh! Ohhh!

For the love of God!

Who came up
with these rules?!

Simon did.
After he fell down the stairs and hit his head.

Well, can someone
just explain them to me in words I can understand?

Ozzy Osborne:
Sharon, it's easy.

You go... ( mumbling )

The judges... ( mumbling )

and then all people going...
( mumbling )

( continues mumbling )

...finalist, Sharon.

Well, it's simple

when you put it like that.

Can you get that
written onto a card for me?

Thanks, sweetheart. Mwah.

Hello, and welcome
to "The Review Show"

here on BBC Four--

too smart for BBC One,
too smug for BBC Two.

Tonight I'm joined by
not one woman, but two,

partly because
there was a booking error,

but also because
we're discussing

a new season
of female-led TV drama.

Let's take a look, shall we?

Female Announcer:
New to the BBC,

a season of those dramas
about powerful women.

Judge Jane Jones
is a no-nonsense lawmaker

at the top of her game.

- Objection, Your Honor.
- Overruled.

And believe me,
I know when to overrule.

I am damn good at my job.

Mummy, you said
you'd be home today.

You said you'd take us
to the park.

I would love to,
but I'm too busy judging.

Announcer:
And because this is drama, she's bound to snap.

So, Jane,
I hear your ex-husband took the children away.

I'm not surprised,
as you have a successful career,

so you can't have
a family as well.

Announcer:
Jane Hart is a no-nonsense surgeon at the top of her game.

I know I can save him, damn it.

I'm the best surgeon
in the country--

maybe even the world.

Hello, David,
I really need

to have self-destructive sex
with someone

in a way that'll bring about
my downfall.

Announcer:
And since she's powerful, she's bound to snap.

The young man
you had sex with

has told everybody
at the hospital.

If you will
have sex with people,

especially at your age...

Announcer:
Jane Strong

is a no-nonsense architect
at the top of her game.

I don't want
to hear your excuses-- just get it done.

Hi. I'm your new colleague
Clair Foundations.

I'm also no-nonsense
and at the top of my game.

I hear you've both gone
for the same promotion.

One or both of you
is bound to snap.

So, Carol,
if I can come to you first,

isn't it great to finally see
so many female characters

- at the top of their game?
- Well, it would be

if they didn't portray
all powerful women

as inevitably psychotic.

These shows suggest
any woman

with a half-decent job
is destined to self-destruct.

- It's ridiculous.
- OK.

Kelly, I imagine
you'd like to disagree,

because that is why
we have two of you.

No. No, I agree with Carol.

What?

Women with successful careers

are written like it's
some kind of character flaw.

I find that
quite offensive.

But y-you're both
no-nonsense television reviewers

at the top of your game.

You're not gonna
violently disagree

and then commit
some sort of impulsive act

that ultimately
leads to your downfall?

I think you've been watching
a bit too much telly, Martin.

What if I told you
we only had space

for one of you
on next week's show?

Wouldn't matter.

In real life,
professional women--

Well, that's that bitch
out of the way.

Would you like
to have an affair?

Thought you'd never ask.

( music playing )

Oh no! What is it, rats?

-Termites?
-Worse. Hipsters.

Can't you put some poison down
or something?

Every day, millions of men
around the world

are enjoying things
full of men.

But we can make it stop.

-Giddy-up, filly!
-This footage is appalling.

If you're going to film
an incident,

why on Earth would you do it
in portrait mode?

-♪ (CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-(SPLASHING)

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