Original subtitles

VO: Later on BBC One... COCKERELL CROWS

..just three boilers remain in The Great British Boiled Egg.

On your marks, get set...

boil!

This programme contains some strong language from the start.

The egg's too small for the cup!

- CHICK TWEETS - Oh, not again!

Do-do!

Someone...

is going through...

..to the soldiers round.

VO: The final of The Great British Boiled Egg on BBC One.

This is shit.

When I was small I used to dance in my mother's bedroom

Then I grew up and did it again

And basically, I'm still doing the same show

I did in my mother's bedroom and I'll do it till the bitter end

Cos it's my Tracey Ullman Show!

Tracey Ullman show

Let's do the show, let's go

Tracey Ullman Show!

Tracey Ullman, Tracey Ullman

Tracey, Tracey, Tracey, Tracey...

Tracey Ullman Show.

Let's go.

One woman's fate hangs on what we do.

I've classified this mission DBIU - don't balls it up.

Let's ride.

Turn your papers over, please.

The drug in the coffee is working, and it's a go for Team Toilet!

'All right, Simon. Let's see it.'

Section One's King Lear.

Right, you, I want answers.

Georgia, give me an update on your hole.

DRILL NOISES

- We have aperture. - Yahtzee! - Wait, there's an extra question.

It's on Cider with Rosie.

Danny, didn't I send you deep cover to sleep with the exam setter?

- She lied to me. - Who has a model answer to Laurie Lee?

Louisa does.

I'm doing actual work here on real threats.

Here's a real threat.

She's my daughter.

This could be the difference between Bristol and Bangor.

It's done. Can I go back to work now?

Light her up.

- Mum! - Ssh...

Shitola, she's onto us.

Simon!

Ah...

Mum, it's my exam, and I don't want to cheat.

Patch me in.

Jasmine, you're only projected a B+. I had to be there for you this time.

All the birthdays I missed to eliminate Russians,

the holiday ruined when I had to kill your dad for knowing too much.

What the hell's going on?

GUNSHOT

- Oh, well done. - Sorry.

Everyone out. Jasmine, you're going to uni in Burma.

Go, go, go, go...

Oh, Burgat. Another day, another EU crisis meeting.

Yeah, what is this one?

Well, it is the pre-talks for the talks next month,

and also post-talks for the pre-talks that we had last month.

I tell you who needs a talking-to...

- Francois Hollande. - Oh, I like him. He has a twinkle in his eye.

- He has an eye on my twinkle. - Oh, don't worry, Angela.

In 12 to 16 hours, it will all be over.

- And what will you do today, Burgat? - The open-top bus tour of London.

I have a rib-eye at Angus Steakhouse,

and then I go to Boots, Piccadilly, to stockpile miracle serum.

- It could be my last chance. - Now don't panic, liebling,

I will make export of miracle serum to Germany a condition

of any future trade deal.

Because if we run out, we will both be rumpfen, rumpfen,

like you won't believe.

Well, you have my word it'll be right up there with free movement.

Oh, danke, mein Chancellor...

Oh, I must go. The hop-on-hop-off bus will leave at any moment,

and I want to buy a fridge magnet!

Oh, I wish I could go with you.

Oh, Burgat. How could David Cameron do this to us?

I should've known that he was always looking so red and shiny,

like a waxed apfel.

You know what they say, never trust a man with no lips.

Ah...

SHE SIGHS

INDISTINCT SPEECH

Ladies and gentlemen, the Sharon Utley Centre for Fine Arts is going

to be a huge engine in regenerating what is, after all,

one of Yorkshire's top seven seaside resorts.

Wasn't the money originally going to be used to rebuild the pier?

Yes, but I am more than happy

that it's been diverted to this wonderful...

endeavour.

I can see our traditional seaside town being visited

by swathes of metrosexuals from all over the country.

- Gays, you mean? - But they're not all gay, Archie.

- Well, they're not staying in my B&B. - I see you haven't changed, Archie.

You're still the same Little Englander.

- Little Yorkshireman, thank you. - I'm just glad I got out.

Yeah, and I'm glad I stayed.

I'd just like to make it clear that we welcome the...

the pink pound.

Come for the conceptual arts, stay for Joe Pasquale.

At least back in my day we had Bernie Clifton.

Ah... We had the theatre on the pier then.

Still, we've got this wonderful gallery

and I'd like to introduce you to the lady who made it all possible.

Fanthorpe-on-Sea's very own, Sharon Utley!

APPLAUSE

See this, do you know what it says in there?

- It says "shit town". - Yeah, why is that?

Because this piece is about how this shit town fucks you.

MAYOR LAUGHS

That... That is one, erm,

one interpretation.

And what does it mean to you, Bob?

Well, it's just a man with a huge cock.

Er, stiffy...willy.

And was this piece based on anyone in particular?

No, it could be anyone.

I'm the town bike, remember?

Come on, we don't want to be stuck in here, do we?

We've got fantastic Fanthorpe weather outside,

and you can see plenty more of Sharon's thought-provoking artworks

on a sculpture trail dotted around the town.

These, erm, these free guides are...

..not suitable for children.

So, how's my accountant?

I love that girl.

Do you know, she's a direct descendant of the Pendle witches?

That's Northern royalty in my book!

Well, Sam has talked me through this month's figures.

- Yeah? - She is very happy

with the revenue stream from your new home CCTV device.

Me Pam Cam? Thanks, Sam.

She is delighted with your new breakfast cereal business.

Pam's Brans? Laney,

I haven't been this regular since I was in the majorettes!

But she is concerned about your new potential acquisition in Sheffield.

Me steelworks? Pam's Pipes?

You'll be looking at losses of a million a week.

The nation celebrated when they put in a bid

to rescue the Tata Steelworks in South Wales.

That's South Wales.

Not having a steelworks in Sheffield?

That's like the ravens leaving the tower.

- The Blackpool Tower. - No, the shit one.

I want to have northern knives and forks in every cutlery drawer

in Britain, and that's worth a million quid a week to me.

It's great PR, everybody will know my name.

One day, a steelworks, the next a whole city.

Pam Town.

- Pam-chester? - Pam-hampton. I want them all over the North.

Cut me, and I bleed urban conurbations.

Pam-castle, Pam-pool?

All right, don't kick the arse out of it, Laney.

Right, get Sean Bean on the phone - he can cut the ribbon.

He's local, isn't he?

- I think he lives in London now... - He's dead to me.

I'm glad they lopped his head off in Game Of Thrones.

I'm Dame Maggie Smith, and I've become a vlogger.

It's like acting,

but you can do it from your armchair and you don't have to eat lunch

at a draughty location and use a chemical toilet.

My new video is set to break the internet,

as nobody with a smidgen of class is saying.

Today, I shall play a first person shooter.

I have no idea what that means,

but I have been the first person on a great many film shoots,

so I should take to it like a duck to San Pellegrino.

I seem to be in a stately home

in a state of somewhat picturesque dilapidation.

All rather familiar...

No wonder they called this game Return To Hell.

- 'Emporda...' - Oh, hello!

Do you speak English?

I should like you to draw me a bath.

GUNSHOT Good lord, he shot me!

Well, there's no tip for you on Sunday!

MACHINE-GUN FIRE

I cannot abide bad manners, let that be a lesson to what remains of you.

I must tell my agent to add "slaughter" to my list of skills.

GROWLING SOUND Oh, it's some sort of vagrant.

I'm sorry, but I don't have any change.

GUNSHOTS

BEEPING

Oh! IanMcKellen43 has logged on and wants to play SimCity.

GUNSHOTS AND MAN GROANS

Oh, have I just shot Ian?

Can I shoot Derek Jacobi, Helen Mirren and Joan Collins, too?

Put Kenneth Branagh up.

GUNSHOTS AND MAN GROANS

It's a lot of fun this, isn't it?

Well, you know what my mother's like, you let her wind you up!

PHONE RINGS

I'm sorry, I had to leave that on for emergencies.

The machine will get it.

'This is the voicemail of Sally Hollister,

'individual and couple therapy.

'Your problems are my business.' TONE

Sorry, it does that. Go on.

Well, she never thought I was good enough for you, you know?

'Sally, it's me, it's Chloe.

'You said I could call on this number if I needed to?'

We can ignore that. You just carry on.

'You'll never guess what's happened.'

You know what she said to me at our wedding?

- 'I've finally done it!' - Shh!

She's only gone and done it...

'And I said it, I said it to him, I know what's going on.'

This is Sally here, and I heard you, Chloe,

and I just want to say well done,

I think you've had a real breakthrough here.

So now, could you just take five deep breaths for me, OK?

So, she finds out two weeks ago

that he's only got his second family living three streets down,

two little kiddies, and she pops in on this woman,

the woman knows nothing.

Yeah, can you take five more breaths, love, all right?

Turns out all their kids are at the same school, Saint Mary's,

would you believe that? I mean, you'd never think to look at him. He's a tiny little man.

Yeah, five more breaths, love.

Meanwhile, Chloe's done some more digging and it turns out that the

marriage might not be legal in the first place,

so she might end up getting nothing.

Chloe, are you OK?

No, you're not interrupting anything, no.

I'll see you on Tuesday, yeah.

Cor...

Well!

Our kids go to St Mary's.

Do they?

Yeah.

Oh, do you know Chloe with two kids?

- Yes. - Yep, we do.

One of the kids is in Preeti's class.

Oh, right.

I'd like to say

that anything you hear or say in this room stays within this room,

that trust is absolutely integral to the process.

I think I might know who the other wife could be...

Ooh...

Go on.

Yeah, that's where I first did crack, over there.

I'd like to stress that was many, many years ago,

and Fanthorpe-on-Sea has a zero tolerance policy on drugs.

In fact, it's the perfect destination for a family holiday,

and we do have a miniature train.

- What are you doing?! - Creating art.

- Sharon? - Yeah?

It's Carol! Carol Blakely.

Year five.

Oh, yeah.

Hello, Carol.

Leave it!

What's all this, then?

Well, you know what it's like,

they open an art gallery in your honour.

You know, it's funny, you becoming an artist,

cos you were never very good at drawing at school.

Art's not about drawing, it's about ideas.

Like that.

It's a crazy golf course.

Come and look at the eighth hole.

Yeah, it's a big hairy fanny.

What's the idea here, then?

Well, it's about how men historically have run away

from women to play golf, but they can't any more,

because women have taken charge.

The hair makes it a very challenging hole.

You've made a right mess of this crazy golf course.

Yeah, it might look like a right mess to you,

but this is £30,000 worth of contemporary arts

to Charles Saatchi.

The one who tried to strangle Nigella?

The photo made it look worse than it was.

And isn't crazy golf mainly played by children?

Not any more.

While Sharon's exhibiting, we've got a 15 age restriction.

Sharon, what happened to that nice fella you were seeing?

You were going to set up a B&B together, weren't you?

Didn't work out.

Right, let's go over to the lighthouse.

You'll never guess what I've turned that into.

Is it a penis?

That's a lucky guess, Carol.

- Uberraschung. Surprise! - What are you doing here?

Well, I suddenly thought to myself,

why should I help to clear all this mess up?

The British can scoop their own poop.

So, I arranged a private meeting with the CEO of Boots,

and I let them get on with it.

- Wunderschon! - Yes, besides, I never see London, you know?

I just see the airports and the conference centre,

and Theresa May talking about Brexit means Brexit, means Shmexit, means argh...

Oh, it feels so good to feel the wind in my hairspray!

ANGELA LAUGHS

Oh, you would love London, Angela. Look, it is full of German things.

- I saw a Lidl. - Ja? - Ja.

Oh, look at this man drinking a Pilsner in the morning.

He must be a great supporter of our German brewing industry.

Look, dachshunds!

Ah! Ja, ja, ja!

Oh, it is a German Shepherd eating a frankfurter!

This is more German than Germany.

Ja. Oh, Burgat, what are they going to do without us?

Oh, I don't know, mein Chancellor.

These people, they look so sad.

Maybe I should invite them all to come and stay at my place?

Like those Syrian friends of ours?

Ja, ja, why not? Who knows? It's an open house.

- Nein. - You will have shitloads of the Brits paddling across the Channel.

These people are desperate.

Ja, that's true, that's true.

Theresa, come out and fight with me.

Come out, come on, give me some! Do you want some?

- Selfie! - It's naughty.

- Ooh! Ja! - Ja!

Here's your tea.

- Are you feeling a bit better? - Not really, no.

OK, well, can you describe the man who mugged you?

Um, he was about 5 foot 10, short, dark hair.

He put a knife to my throat and he demanded my phone and my watch.

And were you wearing what you're wearing now?

- Sorry? - Is this what you were wearing when it happened?

Erm, yes. But...

You look quite provocatively wealthy.

Look, I fail to see how what I wear has any...

Well, just a bit of an invitation, isn't it?

Like you're advertising it.

- Look... - You seem distressed.

I'm going bring one of our counsellors in.

This gentleman's a bit upset. He was mugged earlier.

Oh, dear.

Had you been drinking?

Yes, cos if you'd had a drink, it can send out confusing signals.

Lead somebody on, with a nice suit and the phone,

and then at the last minute say, "I don't want to be mugged."

He put a knife to my throat and he demanded my possessions.

- I mean... - And you just gave them to him?

Did you even scream?

See? How is someone to know that you don't enjoy handing over your

possessions unless you make your intentions clear?

No, I didn't scream, he had a knife! I was really scared.

And we're very sympathetic, but I'm afraid that you're going to

have to accept some of the responsibility for this.

KNOCK ON DOOR Come in.

Are you going to be much longer? I've got a gentleman out here,

says he has been receiving abusive e-mails for months.

Ask him what font he's been using.

If it's something coquettish like Helvetica,

- then he's probably brought it on himself. - Right, OK.

What time did he get here?

- About an hour ago. - Aye, he'll be nicely softened up by now.

- Bye-bye, baby... - MUSIC DISTORTS AND STOPS

Andy Murray!

I'm delighted you have deigned to grace us with your presence!

I know you prefer it in leafy Surrey.

An hour of the Bay City Rollers, why?

I won't have you disparaging the sound of my childhood.

Stuart Woody Wood, now there's a proper Scot for you.

He didn't ponce off down south at the first whiff of success.

There's lots of nice places to live up here, you know?

What's wrong with the Ayrshire coast?

Aye, with summer highs of 12 degrees and pleasantly moist

300 days of annual rainfall. I'd call it the perfect climate.

I'm proud to be Scottish, Sturgeon.

Aye, you love Scotland, is that right?

Then why did you give your wee baby daughter the most

un-Scottish sounding name on the planet?

Sofia. And not just Sofia, but Sofia Olivia, if you please.

You might as well have set fire to the St Andrews cross

and danced on the ashes, dressed as a bulldog.

I tell you what you're going to do for me,

you're going to rechristen that bairn

with a beautiful Scottish name like Moira,

or Lorraine, or Kelly,

or Lorraine Kelly.

I just wanted her to grow up a citizen of the world.

Ah, she will. Don't worry about that.

When Operation Take The High Road comes to fruition.

Show him, wee Mhairi.

Scottish scientists have calculated

that five nuclear devices exploded off the Shetland Isles

would be enough to tilt the Earth's axis

and bring a Scottish climate to the whole world.

Imagine it! Scots free to travel the globe with nae fear of sunburn.

Just use factor 50.

- I won't help you. - Oh, really?

- What's that? - Let me introduce you to one of my favourite creatures,

the Highland otter.

Brave, canny, hardy, and do you know why they're so hardy?

Because they don't stray more than six metres from the burrow

they were born into.

Listen to me, I supported independence.

Shall we see what a hungry otter can do to your balls?

- Get a treat of Murray! - You're mad, Sturgeon.

Turn up the Bay City Rollers!

Mhairi, your parliamentary maiden speech.

- No! - Thank you... - NICOLA LAUGHS

..Madam Deputy Speaker, for calling me to such important debate!

Are you all right, Sharon?

- Yeah, fine. - This should be everything you've ever wanted,

vindication, return of the conquering hero,

respect of your peers.

I only ever wanted the respect of one man.

Where's me red wine?

- Sharon? - Archie?

I just saw your big hairy fanny out on the golf course,

and I've finally realised...

- Yeah? - You're a proper artist.

Yeah, I, I shouldn't have come...

No, Archie...

I haven't shown you my latest work, look.

It's called...Regret.

It were inspired by you.

You did know what constituted the full tea

- and coffee-making facilities in a B&B. - Course I did.

I was just too proud to tell you.

Hang on a minute. Archie, you're not Man With Stick Of Rock For Cock,

- are you? - Of course he is.

And maybe if he'd have just given me the slightest acknowledgement

that he respected my work, or even understood it,

I might not have left like I did.

Sharon, do you think we can make it work again?

I really don't mind the gays.

I don't know.

No. No...

I can't ask you to come back here and get up at six to grill kippers.

And I couldn't ask you to split your life between my townhouse

in Belgravia and my villa in the Cote d'Azur

with its three sun terraces and infinity pool.

Well, you know, there might be a way to make it work.

No, we're too set in our ways.

No, no, that's what I'm saying.

If only I hadn't walked out that night,

burned down the pier and run off for London and set up...

Hang on a sec.

You burnt down the pier?

We thought it was a dodgy plug on the whack-a-mole.

I had a lot of anger back then.

- My grandad built that pier. - Look, if it comes to it,

I could sell the B&B, or I could just give it to somebody.

For the last 20 years it's been considered "uneconomic" to rebuild,

and finally they get around to allocating some lottery money to it

and they divert it to this rubbish.

That's worth eight million quid!

Yeah, so is my pier.

I made these last night, they're gluten-free, dairy-free, egg-free,

sugar-free, they're just wonderful, clean eating, all natural muffins.

Oh, would you like one of my cupcakes?

They're gluten-free, sugar-free, egg-free...

I can't get past the taste.

Mum... SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

We've got a visitor, this is Debbie.

She's come all the way from Australia.

- Hello, Mrs Clark! - DEBBIE LAUGHS

I told you about Debbie, didn't I, Mum?

She's the cousin I've been writing to.

She was put up for adoption.

She was...

Dad's sister's daughter.

Illegitimate child.

Doesn't surprise me.

Always was a bit loose, that one.

Oh, dear, you'll have to excuse her, she's 103.

But that's all water under the bridge, isn't it, Mummy?

The point is

that I've got a cousin and you've got a niece, and she's here,

and it's exciting, isn't it?

I've been working on our family tree.

I thought you might like to see it.

- Oh, yes. - And maybe help me fill in a few gaps.

Oh, yes, Mum will be able to do that,

she's got ever such a good memory.

It's better than mine, isn't it, Mum?

Well, let's start with your dad's side of the family, shall we?

Now, Dad's sisters were...

Trollops.

Let's just come back to that, shall we?

What was Dad's brother's name?

- Nancy boy. - That wasn't his name!

Yes, that was what he was called - and for very good reason.

Let's leave that blank for the moment, shall we?

What about your husband's mother?

I don't know who you're talking about.

Oh, she means Nan, Nanny.

I don't remember anyone with that name.

Is this because she said that your jam roly-poly wasn't jammy enough?

Oh, mother, that was 78 years ago.

As far as I'm concerned, she does not exist.

Well, at least I've got a cousin -

and I didn't think I had any relations at all.

I've actually managed to track down

quite a few relations in Australia.

You've got lots of cousins! And they've got children,

and some of them have children.

Oh, my goodness!

You should come out to Australia and visit us all.

- Oh, that'd be amazing. - Meet your family.

Oh, I've always wanted to be part of a big family.

Oh, I should like that.

I should like that very much indeed.

THEY LAUGH

I wouldn't bother.

- Why not? - Well, if you must know, your dad wasn't really your dad.

- What do you mean? - Your real dad was a sailor.

I don't know his name.

Mum, when were you going to tell me this?

I was waiting till you were older.

How old do I have to be?

Well, it's all in the past now.

Let's forget about it.

What about the family tree?

It's just you and me.

You don't need anyone else, do you?

Oh... Let's go over to the arcade,

break in and we'll have sex on a pinball machine.

- Yeah. - Then... No,

we'll leave our pants on and I'll sell it as a bit of art called Multi-ball.

You never turn off, do you?

- Just to let you know, Sharon... - DISTANT SIREN

- ..your gallery's on fire. - HE LAUGHS

Archie, film me kicking his head in.

It's for an installation.

Last stop, Madame Tussaud's.

Oh, I must pop in to collect the suit we lent them for your waxwork.

They are closing down the European leaders section.

Oh, ja.

And I could stand very, very still next to myself.

And jump out and erschrecken the tourists!

THEY LAUGH

And the English say that they have no sense of humour.

THEY LAUGH

We could see Justin Bieber.

- Und Adele. - No, Nena.

Yeah, no, I don't think they will have a Nena waxwork.

Oh, but they should, because she wrote the greatest song ever.

- Ja. - Ja.

- It has never been bettered. - No, nein.

- Oh, Angela. - What? - Sing it.

- Nein. - Ja, ja, sing.

You and I in Lincolnshire

A bag of balloons with the money we've got

Set them free at the break of dawn

Till one by one, they were gone

Back at base, bugs in the software...

Flash the message, something's out there

Floating in the summer sky

99 red balloons go by...

INSTRUMENTAL

99 Decision Street

99 ministers meet

To worry, worry, super-scurry

Call the troops out in a hurry!

This is what we've waited for!

This is it, boys! This is war!

The President is on the line

As ninety-neunzig luftballoons go by!

Hey, hey, hey!

Ja! Ja!

99 lights up the air

Like super heartache jet fighters!

Everyone's a superhero

Everyone's a Captain Kirk

With orders to identify

To clarify und classify

Scramble in the summer sky

99 red balloons go by...

As ninety-neunzig luftballoons go by...

If I could find a souvenir

Just to prove the world was here

And here is a red balloon

I think of you and let it go...

You know, I think that Britain is our red balloon, Burgat,

and we should just let it go.

Oh, Angela, you are so wise.

Do you remember Nena's armpits?

Oh, ja, ja, ja. You could've hidden a couple of Syrians in there.

THEY LAUGH

Naughty.

- Angela! - Such bad, bad, bad.

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