All language subtitles for Tracey Ullmans Show s02e05.eng

Coming soon to BBC One, the latest in our documentary series,

Why On Earth Would I Want To Watch That?

When I first started working at the mortuary,

I thought, "I just can't do this."

It eats away at your soul every day.

And it's been like that for nigh on 30 years.

Oh, God.

That's Winter at the Morgue, later on BBC One.

When I was small, I used to dance in my mother's bedroom

Then I grew up and did it again

And, basically, I'm still doing the same show

I did in my mother's bedroom

And I'll do it till the bitter end

Cos it's my Tracey Ullman Show

Tracey Ullman's Show

Let's do the show, let's go

Tracey Ullman's Show

Tracey Ullman

Tracey Ullman

Tracey, Tracey, Tracey, Tracey

Tracey Ullman's Show

Let's go.

This programme contains some strong language

Right, Charlotte, you young filly.

Mummy and Daddy are skiing in the bally Caribbean or something,

so looks like it's just you and me for the day.

Do you vape?

No, no. I don't blame you.

It's not a patch on the real thing.

SHE SIGHS

I'm not good with girls.

I much prefer boys.

Boys are like dogs - they just need food and exercise.

Girls are a bloody nightmare.

- Dollies.
- Dollies?

Oh. Oh, all right.

Well, let's get all your dollies, shall we?

And, erm...

we can shoot them off the fence.

- DOLL:
- Oh! - Yes.

Hi, a latte to go, please.

Sure thing, sir. Name on cup?

- David.
- David.

- Shoe size?
- Sorry?

Yeah, can I get your shoe size, David?

- Er, 12.
- 12, OK.

First album you bought?

Er... B-B-Barry Manilow.

Name of your best lover?

- What?
- Best lover, sir.

Best in the sack.

For God's sake. Er...

- Samantha.
- Samantha.

- OK. And why?
- Why?

Yeah. Why would you say Samantha was the best?

Look, I'd really rather not, if that's...

- This is rush hour, sir.
- Right.

Tender. She was very tender.

Great.

And your least favourite kind of deciduous tree?

Look, I've had enough. Can I just have my coffee?

We have a lot of customers, sir.

You know, I could just say, "David with a shoe size 12

"who bought Barry Manilow for his first album

"and thought Samantha was his best lover

- "because of her tenderness, but..."
- That's me.

- See?
- Blimey!

OK. I suppose my least favourite deciduous tree is the elm.

OK. Elm.

All right, sir. Your flat white will be right up.

- It was a latte.
- It was a latte?

Ah. It's the wrong sized cup.

We have to start again.

Right. Name on cup?

Here's the story of a Texan beauty

Who had snagged the finest mogul in the land

She had legs just like a racehorse

He's in his 80s and a very horny man.

Hey, kids! Because we have so many new members of our blended family,

your daddy/stepdaddy and I thought,

"Hey, let's get everyone together for a family photo!"

Oh, Rupes!

I'm not sure about these trousers, Jerry.

My balls are sweating like mozzarella in a bag.

Oh, you look great!

Look at that tight little tushie.

You're such a hipster.

We're going to have to get you a tattoo.

Yeah! Little pic of you with your puppies out.

- The photographer's here!
- Jerry?

Hey, Dean.

Oi! Get your sticky mitts off her.

Nobody touches my bird.

Oh, Rupert. This is my great friend, Dean.

Ah!

Well in that case, pleased to meet you.

Any friend of Jerry's is a friend of mine.

Have him followed.

OK, y'all. Let's all set up for the photo.

Come and sit on my knee, sweetie.

Not you bunch of sad sacks, I meant Jerry!

Christ, I can't even get a semi in these strides.

Now, everybody sit in order of importance.

- Piss off, James.
- I'm not going at the back!

Stop pushing, you ugly cow!

Hey, kids!

Quit that, or somebody's going to get smacked.

Or disinherited.

- All ready?
- We are family!

ALL: We are family!

I need you all to look a little more cheerful.

Think about what makes you happy.

ALL: Money!

- Dad dying.
- Who said that?

MONITOR BEEPS

Oh, I'm slipping away now.

It's OK. I've had a wonderful life.

I only have one regret.

Oh, but, Mum, you shouldn't...

I wish I'd watched more structured reality shows.

Geordie Shore, Made In Chelsea, Towie, but no...

I wasted so much time starting a charity for homeless children.

What a fool I was.

Have I got time to watch Cake Boss?

It's on in five minutes.

I think just about.

It won't be long now.

Yes, bull's-eye!

Right. Got to go, some ruddy charity nonsense.

SHE SIGHS

CHARLOTTE CRIES

All right.

Well, you can come along too, then.

Giddy-up!

Of course, I get all the crappy charities, too.

Diana got land mines.

What do I get? Chiropodists.

Mind you, when my toenails grew through my welly boot,

I did get free treatment

and you can't argue with that, can you, Charlotte?

Charlotte?

Oh!

Better get you in the car

or the health and safety nuts will be after me.

She's heading to the beer garden. Marcus, have you got a clear shot?

If I need one, yeah.

Lydia, can you make the drop?

- I'll try.
- 'Trying's not good enough.'

Do you want to sleep at night?

'Do it.'

Tracking device positioned.

She's paying for the drinks with a TSB debit.

It was used three weeks ago in Portugal.

Find the hotel, search it.

Check every transaction she's made in the last six months.

Quite a big team on this one, Carla.

Who are we watching?

- Well, if you have to ask...
- Yes, I do.

A female. A UK national.

And she's your son's new girlfriend, isn't she?

LAUGHTER

Is she actually a security risk?

If I say she is, then she is, and I say she is.

- I have a strand of her hair.
- Great, DNA the bitch!

Carla! How old is your Timothy now?

- 22.
- So he's old enough to make his own choices, isn't he?

- Well...
- Which might mean sometimes making some of his own mistakes.

Not that this woman appears to have ever done anything wrong.

Well, we can't say that for sure yet.

Why don't we gently stand everyone down?

Before the minister rings and asks

why we've got 22 highly trained agents

tracking a dental nurse from King's Lynn.

Is she from King's Lynn? She's from King's Lynn.

- Search King's Lynn!
- Carla!

All right.

Maybe this is inappropriate use of resources.

I'll reassign the team...

once we have some better intel.

All right, now, now. I'll do it now.

Good lass.

Code 12, code 12, go, go, go, go!

'Call Brize Norton. Tell them to warm up the jet.'

Somebody just won a trip to Cuba.

Mum!

I'm Dame Maggie Smith, and this is my vlog,

which I believe is short for "venerable lady offers guidance".

Today, I'm giving you my tried-and-tested make-up tips.

My first tip is to become a double Oscar-winning actress and then

you can just sit in a chair while a darling homosexual

called Frederico works miracles.

But that isn't possible for everyone, apparently.

So, brummymermaid74...

That's a ridiculous name. Were your parents on the sherry?

..says, "How do I get a smoky eye?"

Well, the answer is you spend an evening with Ollie Reed

and Richard Harris in 1971.

Smoky eye, smoky tongue, smoky every nook and cranny, dear.

Goonersforeverhelen says, "I want to look like Kim Kardashian..."

And that's as much of your letter as I am going to read

before setting light to it.

And finally, iheartmattdamon says,

"It takes me ages to take off my make-up every night. What can I do?"

Well, get married, dear,

and you won't have to bother putting it on in the first place.

Well, at least for those two years before the divorce.

Do you know what I'm having for my lunch?

I've gone paleo, so I'm eating meat and plants.

The full hunter-gatherer.

You do know the average life span of a caveman was 32?

There's no right or wrong way to do mindfulness,

so don't be worrying about being bad at it.

Ignore that ever-present fear

that's stopping you from doing so much in life.

BABY CRIES

And that is the relaxing sound of a baby

that's come out of its nap a bit early.

The sound of a baby crying is so very soothing,

as has been agreed by scientists.

I'm introducing some new aromas to the room.

There's a...yellow aroma, and some brown aromas,

very brown, and very...

..runny.

Oh!

Just applying a pressure pack.

Right.

And use a circular motion with some light pummelling.

Yes.

And... Oh.

Just sprinkling some scented water on you.

Quite a long sprinkle.

This treatment is complimentary, by the way.

Bernice, I have some TV Bafta congratulations cards

- for your personalise.
- Yeah, fire away, Sherry.

OK. Graham Norton.

- Love.
- Jonathan Ross.

No love!

Tony Hall, BBC director-general.

With sympathy.

Oh, your 3pm is here.

Graham Pikestaff about the co-production.

Sherry, go, go. Go away, you're daunting me.

How nice to meet you!

Bernice, I'm so glad we could meet before you return to New York.

Yeah, yeah. I love the BBC, oh, my God.

Oh, my God, such class, you know? Would you like a finger sandwich?

No, no, fine, thank you.

No. Your accent is gorgeous!

- Thank you.
- Yeah, I love you BBC boys.

Did you go to that Oxbridge school?

- Er, well, yes.
- Yeah, yeah, I knew it!

You all go there, right?

Yeah. Did you all, like, hang out in the rec room and say,

"Hey, you can run the news, you can do the...", you know?

I'm so glad you're interested in a co-production project,

Miss Rubin. I've been developing the Vasco da Gama story for many years.

It's tragic that such a great explorer should go uncelebrated.

Yeah. Graham, I've got to stop you there,

cos I've got to tell you something.

The script, you know, the stuff on the boat? It's boring!

Yeah. You know, let's get Julian Fellowes, you know the Downton guy?

We'll get him to punch it up,

put in a little below-decks action with a galley girl.

- We could look into that.
- OK, OK.

Eat! Eat!

- Oh.
- Please, please.

Come on, you guys, I know you don't got expenses,

it's tough times at your Auntie Beeb, right?

You know, I mean, I watch that Bake Off show,

you're always getting that old blonde broad to do her own shopping.

- Is it Mary Berry?
- Mary Berry.

All the time with the schlepping and the chopping

and the close-ups of the hands.

That's unappetising, you know?

It's unsanitary, it's unappetising.

We want to do that show in the States, yeah.

We're going to get an old hostess, too.

- Really?
- Brooke Shields.

- She's not that old, is she?
- Oh, trust me,

in America, Graham, she's considered a real mercy hump.

It's not really my department. I develop drama.

Could I just clarify, Bernice,

you want to co-finance my drama project,

but Vasco da Gama needs a love interest on board?

Yeah. You want Julian Fellowes to rewrite the script...

Yeah! And I want the Mrs Brown format for Caitlyn Jenner,

because transgender is huge right now.

Brendan O'Carroll?

No, he's not transgender.

What? I think you're missing a trick there, Graham.

I mean, he may just be waiting for somebody to pay for the surgery

and film it. You can only ask!

You could get a deal with your NHS.

Well, it's been very good to meet you.

Here, take this back to the office.

I know you guys are hungry back there.

- Sherry, Sherry, bring a doggy bag.
- Please, I'm fine. - Here you go.

No, you can do me a favour.

- Really?
- I want two tickets for Wimbledon.

Wimbledon? No. That's not my department, either.

Well, talk to your friend from Oxbridge in the sports department.

I want two seats in the royal box with tushie pads for men's final

or any of the Russian girls.

My husband, he loves to hear those shiksas squeal!

Aah! Ooh! Ahh!

I'm really sorry, Bernice, I can't.

Sherry, put 'em in the doggy bag,

save it for my meeting at four with Cliff Richard?

Yeah.

Asshole.

And this is our psychiatric ward.

Oh. Can you smoke in here?

- I'm afraid not.
- Well, no wonder they're all going mad!

This is one of our patients. This is Mr Hollis.

Hello. You're a bit crackers, are you?

- Well, I...
- I tell you what really helps - a good, strong gin.

I'd be climbing the walls if I didn't have one of those

- at 11am everyday. It's medicinal.
- Could we offer you a tea, maybe?

- Or a coffee?
- No, not for me.

- Some water?
- I can't drink water.

Fish fuck in it! That's what I always say.

Oh, I'll take some of these, though.

The horses bloody love them!

This way.

This is our geriatric ward.

Well, what are they all doing in here?

They should be at home!

Well, some of them aren't able to look after themselves, so...

Can't their butlers do it?

Some of them don't have butlers.

Oh, look at you.

You're lame. You've probably got a stone in your hoof or something.

Got my hoof pick with me, never without it.

Let me just lift your fetlock.

Right. No.

Nothing in there.

If you were a horse, they'd just take you out and shoot you.

That's it.

SHE CLICKS On you go.

Right! Well, I must crack on,

I've got to open an underground car park in Wolverhampton.

- Oh!
- Oh, that's not mine!

I thought my bag was a bit heavy!

Well, I don't want to be taking that with me,

although Charles swears that it's very, very good for the veggies,

though he might be taking the piss.

Goodbye.

BELLS CHIME

Oh, I can't thank you enough for asking me to be Ella's godmother.

It means so much to me!

It's our pleasure. Thanks for the baby-sitting, you know,

walking around the park and everything.

Hey now, what our neighbours for?

No, seriously. Couldn't have done it without you.

Do you know, I've never been asked to be anyone's godmother before,

and as a Christian, I've always wondered...

- Oh, dear.
- Told you she was.

- Yes, all right.
- Is there a problem?

Erm...

Thing is, we kind of weren't looking at this as a religious thing.

But it is. You've asked me to be her godmother.

Yeah, but...it doesn't actually mean anything, does it?

I mean, it's just a word, isn't it?

- We're in a church.
- Well, nobody here's a Christian.

Oh, I think you'll find they are.

Really?

You're not a Christian, are you?

Well, yes. Yes, I am.

Why don't we go for a naming ceremony in the wood,

- like Sarah and Zach did?
- Yeah.

- Lucky escape.
- Yeah. Bunch of nutters.

And so, this is the main hub of Think Works.

Everything you'd expect from a flexible start-up incubator.

Yeah, in English, please, love. I don't speak hipster twat.

It's a shared office for small companies.

Right, well, good deskage, you know. Breakout spaces,

places where you can break out from the breakout spaces,

which is important for me, because I always go the extra mile.

And most of all, it's not a coffee shop.

I do believe I have died and gone to heaven.

What sort of business do you run, Dominic?

I make apps, Disruptasaur, you've probably heard of us.

Wine Sharer, that's one of mine.

You're in a restaurant, you want some wine, but not a bottle,

the next table's the same - boom!

- Wine Sharer.
- Sounds...innovative.

Yeah, I can plug this in, right? I'm on 7%.

Um...

While I'm at it, I might just give the phone some juice.

And the shaver.

And the toothbrush. Not that I'm living in my car.

Well, if that is the quality of the talent around here, then I am sold.

That's Melissa. She runs a women's advocacy portal.

Aaaargh!

Get her away from me!

Zzz! Zzz! Zzz! Zzz!

Psycho alert! Psycho alert!

I'm a very bad white male

and I apologise for everything, everywhere.

Actually, I think she's an inspiration.

Well, we're going to have to agree to disagree.

So, what's the damage on this place?

That's per year, yeah?

Per month, plus VAT.

Right.

But it'll pay for itself, right? This is a great environment, yeah?

So more apps and more success.

Well, that a decision you have to make.

But, er...

Say you inherited six grand from your mum.

This is the best use of that money, right?

I'm not allowed to give financial advice.

Please, just tell me it'll pay for itself, cos I...

I can't go back to the coffee shop.

You know, I can't take the looks from the staff

and the screaming kids,

the stench of tuna melt in your hair at night, you know?

Just, I can't...

- I can't do it again.
- OK.

This is a personal opinion, but I think it WILL pay for itself.

I could kiss you, but I won't. I won't, not in the workplace.

I've been down that road before.

I'll get the paperwork in order.

OK. Round the lead, love.

I'm a tenant now. I've got rights.

Hello, my darling!

What a day.

Ah, ma'am, you're back.

William and Catherine will soon be arriving to pick up Charlotte.

Oh, buggeration!

Is there a problem?

Oh! No, nothing. Why don't you pour me a gin, a big one?

No tonic. And I won't be a second.

Bloody hell, wonder if I left her in the loony bin.

DRAMATIC BAGPIPE MUSIC

Our guest's arrived.

Ah, Mr Simon Pegg.

SIMON GRUNTS

Where am I? What's this all about?

Let me tell you a story, Mr Pegg,

about a wee girl who loved Star Trek,

and was thrilled that amongst those boldly going where

no man had gone before was a Scot.

A Scot so Scottish he was called Scottie!

And then she discovered that James Doohan

was about as Scottish as Dolly Parton

and he was, in fact, from Vancouver!

That's in Canada.

Thank you, wee Mhairi.

Fast forward 30 years, and I hear they're doing a reboot.

Surely this time Scottie will be portrayed by a fine Caledonian,

but no - the role goes to a poncey Sassenach from Gloucestershire,

who thinks that porridge is made with milk and sprinkled with sugar!

What do you want from me?

I want you to call your wee friend JJ and tell him you're retiring

from the role. And then you're going to call your

wee, wee friend Tom Cruise and tell him that he's going to star

in a film that I've written.

Braveheart 2?

Look, this is madness.

And, anyway, Tom Cruise is an American.

Ah, not when Operation Neeps and Tatties goes into effect.

Show him, Mhairi.

Here, you see Scotland.

But, soon, things will change.

And the mainland of Scotland will be joined by...

West Scotland.

- That's crazy!
- There's more.

East Scotland.

North Scotland.

Don't tell me, England becomes South Scotland.

No, that stays English.

We've no interest in that little bit whatsoever.

This is ludicrous. You're insane!

You might think so,

but I won't rest until there is a branch of the Edinburgh Woollen Mill

in every major capital city in the world,

and "Donald Where's Your Troosers?" is the worldwide national anthem!

Mhairi, take Mr Pegg to his quarters

and shout your maiden speech to Parliament in his ear,

- until he comes round to our way of thinking!
- No!

Thank you, Madam Deputy Speaker,

for calling me to such an important debate...

BAGPIPES AND SCREAMING

I know! I'm back at the BBC after 40 years.

Can you believe it, Daddy?

Oh, they've still got our photo up!

Yeah, they're doing some sort of tribute to Top Of The Pops

and they can't use any of the old DJs for some reason.

I don't know.

Yeah, so they want us to spearhead it instead.

That's right, all four of us. I've got to go to make-up.

Oh, I hope my hot pants still fit!

SOFT POP MUSIC

I'm still the unofficial boss

My hair gets stuck in my lip gloss

- DEEP VOICE:
- I've put on weight and I don't give a toss

I've got short-term memory loss

Shake, shimmy, bump, boogaloo and jive

Cute boots, spacesuits, look, we're still alive...

FAST ROCK MUSIC

We're back, we're back

Tossing our hair

Slight trace of camel toe, but we don't care

Back where we want to be Back where the tea is free

B-b-b-back at the B

Back at the BB

Back at the BBC

The bands flew in and we were there to rave

In the Blue Peter Garden, I shagged on Patch's grave

An innocent time of laughter and charm

Before the advent of the rape alarm

We're back, we're back

Tossing our hair

We're having a hot flush, but we don't care

This was the first place where I had to use Mace

B-b-b-back at the B

Back at the BB

Back at the BBC

They gave us keys to lock our door

We wondered at the time, "What's this for?"

We soon got wise

To all that fun

If you saw a DJ, you'd run, run, run!

TUNE OF THE BIRDIE SONG

With a little bit of this and a little bit of that

He touched my bum

We told you to run!

No need for embarrassment

They hadn't invented sexual harassment

Sexual harassment

They're pumping in the dry ice Now it's time to go

That's the last you'll see of this camel toe

It's been such fun dancing to the hits

And check this out - we can still do the splits

- My hip!
- My tit!

-
- My God! My knee!

B-b-b-back at the B

Back at the BB

Back at the BBC.

SHE HOLDS HIGH NOTE

APPLAUSE

Thank you. Thank you very, very much. Thank you.

Congratulations, Dame Judi.

Well, it's not about winning awards, is it?

We just try to weave a few dreams and shine a light on what was dark.

It's always weird winning one at the beginning of the night, though.

(Still two hours to go!)

No, but this is tremendous.

Watching one's fellow professionals being honoured.

Oh, I'd rather be here than anywhere else!

Thank you!

The huge technological changes in cinematography over recent years...

- have presented a stiff challenge to our film...
- SHE YAWNS

Nominated tonight for Best Cinematographer are...

Peter Rowe, Alistair Upcraft, Martin Hawkins.

And the winner is Peter Rowe.

It's a great honour. Thank you very much.

No awards ceremony would be complete without acknowledging

the contribution made by those working in languages

other than English.

..has seen the advent of a new breed of regional British talent...

Er, Judi squeezy through.

..from all corners of the nation.

Scotland, Wales and Yorkshire find themselves rubbing shoulders with...

The 2017 UK Film Award for Best Male Newcomer goes to...

..Dame Judi Dench?

Thank you! Thank you.

You know, the marvellous thing about this profession

is that you no longer have to be new, or even male,

to win Best Male Newcomer,

and I think that's something that we can all celebrate.

Thank you. Thank you.

Diversity's all very well, but it does seem a little odd that you,

as a woman...

BOOING

I hope you're not suggesting that I, as a national treasure,

went backstage and put my name in all the envelopes just for kicks?

- Of course not.
- Thank you!

APPLAUSE

Which brings us to the award for Best Visual Effects.

In recent decades, Britain has led the way...

Shall we just save some time?

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much.

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