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This programme contains some strong language and adult humour.
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I'm Clare Balding.
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This is really, really nice.
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When I was small, I used to dance in my mother's bedroom
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Then I grew up and did it again
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And basically I'm still doing the same show I did in my mother's bedroom
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And I'll do it till the bitter end
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Cos it's my Tracey Ullman Show
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Tracey Ullman's Show, let's do the show, let's go
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Tracey Ullman's Show!
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Tracey Ullman, Tracey Ullman
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Tracey, Tracey, Tracey, Tracey
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Tracey Ullman's Show.
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Let's go!
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KEYPAD BEEPING
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Ohh!
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- Excuse me, Leah.
- Do I know you? - Yes, you see me every day.
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Jasmine, I work in accounts.
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I've been on holiday in Magaluf, and they've changed the code again.
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Magaluf is but a short flight from Damascus.
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No code, no entry.
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Oh, Leah...
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Helmet off. Need a name, mate.
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Serge, Leah. I was here yesterday.
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I don't know that name, mate. I got a clearance on a Sergio.
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I'm Sergio. Serge for short.
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- Anybody could say that, mate.
- Don't make me go and get accredited again.
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I really need to use the loo.
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Please. I'm desperate.
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Leah, can you let Serge in, please?
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- He's got this week's stock sheets.
- That's not the right name, Gary.
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- Oh, God, this is...
- About everybody's safety, Gary.
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Including yours.
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Yeah. We went down Manhattan's, but it was wall-to-wall mingers.
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White Americano, please, love. And move your chubby arse.
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- Name on cup?
- Tom.
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HE CHUCKLES
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Ahh!
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Oh, this is just beautiful. Ooh, very, very fragile.
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They take over a week to make.
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Goodness, goodness.
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Oh, this vase is just exquisite.
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But if I put my hand around the neck,
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I could just snap it off with one single swift downward motion.
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Excuse me. It's you, isn't it?
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You're Dame Judi Dench.
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We don't get many national treasures coming in this shop.
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No, I wouldn't call myself that, I'm just a normal Dame of the Realm.
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We did have another celebrity in here a couple of weeks ago, though.
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- Guess who?
- Oh, Simon Rattle.
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Jonathan Miller. Ken Branagh.
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Is it Ken Russell? Melvyn Bragg.
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Bonnie Greer. Ewan McGregor, Darcy Bussell...
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James May.
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From Top Gear.
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Can I get a picture with you?
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- Of course.
- Great.
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My camera's up in the staffroom,
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I'll have to leave you alone in the shop for about 60 seconds.
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I'll be back in a minute.
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All you have to do is stand here for one minute, Dame Judi.
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Nope. Control yourself.
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Breathe.
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SMASHING GLASS
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- What?!
- It was a whirlwind!
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The door flew open!
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I thought I was going to get carried away like Dorothy!
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My hair, my hair!
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It was blown everywhere!
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I mean, how could a wind even get in here?
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This isn't the time to ask questions, my dear.
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You're in shock. Let me take that photo.
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Look. One is left still standing.
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It's like a miracle.
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SMASH!
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Oh, dear.
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I'm so sorry.
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You must let me pay for that.
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Get the old chip and pin machine out.
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You know, you can't be too careful about security these days.
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Would you mind covering your eyes while I put in the numbers?
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Excuse me, aren't you...?
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I'm Helen Mirren, yes.
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Leah! Can you please let us in?!
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Tony's still stuck in reception.
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Shouldn't we wait for him? Cos he is the first-aider on this floor.
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He gave up that right when he left his lanyard at the launderette.
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Right, brace yourselves.
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Escape. Conceal.
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Fight back. I will do the latter, because that's what I'm trained to do.
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If an armed perpetrator gained access here, it would be...
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- "Open season".
- Well, that's not going to happen, is it?
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I mean, we sell sanitary products.
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OK, the shooter enters here.
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First attack, whoever sits by the door.
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- I sit by the door.
- Bad luck. Boof, boof!
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So, if you haven't escaped, concealed or shat yourself by now,
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you might want to fight back.
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Chairs. Printer.
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The stapler defence.
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Oh, yes, this is a documented strategy.
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Ten of these babies aimed at the reproductive area is no joke.
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Someone stole my stapler.
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Yeah, yeah, yeah. Very funny, Gary, yeah.
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Everyone likes a laugh, relieves the tension,
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but if anybody knows who has Gary's stapler, they can hand it in to me, OK?
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No judgment. Gary's family will thank you for it.
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Here's what can happen if you don't have one.
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RAPID GUNFIRE
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Today, I shall do hilarious and also side-splitting
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prank phone calls on some celebrity friends.
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So, let's see who is for it today.
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Dead. Dead.
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Yewtree.
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Dead.
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Oh, here's one.
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Right... 1-2-9-4...
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IN DEEPER VOICE: Hello, is that Alan Bennett?
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Yes, I know you don't like being called during The X Factor.
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But this is important.
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I'm from the National Theatre,
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we've been doing an audit of all the plays you've written for us,
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and it seems lots of them are all about you,
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which is a touchy lazy and frankly big-headed.
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So we'd like all the money back.
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No, don't cry.
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No, I'm sure you'll find another way to pay for bicycle inner tubes and
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library fines and...
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Oh, dear. I may be too good at this.
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It's all right.
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Alan, it's Dame Maggie.
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So, don't... What do you mean, you knew?
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Well, I disguised my voice.
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Yes, with my Oscar class acting skills.
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No, no.
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You did not punk me, Alan.
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Whatever that means.
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I most certainly punked you.
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So you can stick your hobnobs where the sun shall ne'er cast its rays.
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Yes, I would be happy to meet you at Fortnum's on Sunday for tea.
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Oh!
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Well, that's something I shan't revisit,
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like regional theatre or a chemical toilet.
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Right, just relax, and imagine you are watching fish...
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Living ones, not dead ones,
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lying on a beach with flies laying little eggs in their eyes.
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I never want to see you again. Get the hell out.
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I'm talking to the toxins in your body.
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That is what I think of that, you poxy piece of shit.
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Again, I'm talking to the toxins.
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I'm giving you a good pummelling,
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like I am hitting an annoying guy who works in an exhaust centre,
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who I saw flirting with a girl called Claire.
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Just playing some music.
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It might impress you, it doesn't impress me.
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Oh, my God.
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Your back muscles really are rather knotty.
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Oh...
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Yes. Yes, I think I've found your pressure points!
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You may just feel some cleansing drops of salted water
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falling on your back.
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Now...
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You are going to feel a Hawaiian massage...
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which is rather more specialised.
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Now I'm just going to leave you to relax for a mo.
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And if you hear any sounds, it is both normal and in your imagination.
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Oh, that's it!
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There. That is perfect for a human rights conference in Inverness.
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Nothing too sex machine.
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We don't want Angelina Jolie to feel like the frumpster again.
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Ja. Oh, it is freezing.
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What about my human rights to feel warm in August?
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Scotland should have a referendum about that.
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PHONE RINGS
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Ja?
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Oh. OK.
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Hold on one moment, I'll just check my diary.
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- What is it?
- Nicola Sturgeon. - Oh! What does she want?
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To know what shade of beige I am wearing so she can copy it?
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And the poufy hair and the boxy jackets.
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It is so obvious that she's trying to flatter me into being her friend.
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But it is creepy.
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Who wants a friend who is ein doppelganger?
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I have enough trouble with Hillary Clinton.
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She says her make-up artist is stuck in a snowdrift.
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She wants me to do her.
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It's hard to say no, she is on the phone.
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And Scotland has been through the mincer more times than a Burns night
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haggis during the last six months.
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Did she just say that to you?
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Ja, ja, she just said that to me.
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I don't know, I don't trust her.
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She's after something.
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Go, go, go, go.
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Tell her nothing and then come back and tell me everything.
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Ja, I think that will be fine.
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Oh, it is a little early for schnapps.
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Just...
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KNOCK ON DOOR
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Birgit, so good of you to come.
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Deep-fried Highland fudge?
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Um, no, thank you.
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So, what can I do for you?
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Which jacket do you think is the most boxy?
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Um... That one.
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And could you make my hair a wee bit more poufy?
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Yeah, of course.
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And maybe a little beige on the cheeks.
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Or any shade, you know.
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What shade is Angela wearing just now?
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Oh, you like Angela's style, ja?
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Oh, aye, it's served her very well.
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It has made her the most powerful woman in Europe.
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But you and I both know, Birgit, that nothing lasts for ever.
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And soon the world will need someone else to fill those sexy court shoes.
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You? What do you think of these?
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Frau Sturgeon!
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You are the Chancellor behind the Chancellor, Birgit.
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I need you to achieve my dream.
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But I could never leave Angela.
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Merkel is finished.
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She is yesterday's woman.
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You saw what I did to Alex Salmond.
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I want you to work for me, Birgit.
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I'll look after you.
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You live in only the nicest parts of Glasgow
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and drink the finest Irn-Bru.
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I really should be going.
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Why settle for a German Europe when you could have a Scottish world?
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I've got a job interview. Wish me luck.
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I'm sure you'll be fine.
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I've always wanted to work in a play centre.
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I know.
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Shoes are a bit much.
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You made me two hours late for my annual review this morning, Leah.
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You know, you've been very tense with your co-workers lately, Jasmine.
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I recommend a full psychological evaluation, cos this is how it starts, mate.
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How what starts?
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Right, everyone down on the floor!
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Now! Get down!
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EVERYONE SCREAMS
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WHISPERING: We're in a code black. Everyone, focus.
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Now, the three of you, there is a clear path to the storeroom. When you get there, Rachel,
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climb out of the lavatory window and you are going to raise the alarm.
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- But that window is tiny.
- I've got your biometric measurements.
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Trust me, you fit. OK...
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Move!
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And may your God go with you.
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SHE SCREAMS
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Do you know what I'm having for my lunch?
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A smoothie. I made it in my smoothie maker.
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Yeah. It's got kale in it.
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It's got apple in it. It's got flaxseed in it.
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You can put anything in it. Mmmm...
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You can put spinach in it.
256
00:14:30,040 --> 00:14:31,320
You can put banana in it.
257
00:14:31,320 --> 00:14:32,520
You could put cashews in it.
258
00:14:32,520 --> 00:14:33,840
You could put grapes in it.
259
00:14:33,840 --> 00:14:35,920
Yeah. You can put chard in it.
260
00:14:35,920 --> 00:14:40,280
Oh, hi. Yeah, it was just a query about the estimates that you'd sent through.
261
00:14:40,280 --> 00:14:42,080
I just wondered, do they...?
262
00:14:42,080 --> 00:14:45,760
LOUD WHIRRING
263
00:14:45,760 --> 00:14:48,720
I'm just making one for you. It's got spinach in it.
264
00:14:48,720 --> 00:14:52,720
It's got fig in it. It's got pear in it.
265
00:14:52,720 --> 00:14:54,920
You can put anything in it.
266
00:14:54,920 --> 00:14:56,920
Great. Thanks.
267
00:14:56,920 --> 00:14:58,600
I'll... I'll drink it later.
268
00:14:59,760 --> 00:15:01,240
I'm so sorry about that.
269
00:15:02,280 --> 00:15:04,840
No, it was nothing important.
270
00:15:04,840 --> 00:15:06,440
So, back to the estimates.
271
00:15:06,440 --> 00:15:08,000
Do you think that included input...?
272
00:15:08,000 --> 00:15:11,360
LOUD WHIRRING
273
00:15:11,360 --> 00:15:12,800
I'm just making your pudding.
274
00:15:18,640 --> 00:15:20,760
Well? What did she say?
275
00:15:21,960 --> 00:15:23,520
Not much.
276
00:15:23,520 --> 00:15:25,640
Did she talk about me?
277
00:15:25,640 --> 00:15:30,520
- Not really.
- Did she want the beige cheeks and the poufy hair?
278
00:15:30,520 --> 00:15:34,760
She has a very strong accent, I didn't really understand.
279
00:15:34,760 --> 00:15:37,400
I should probably try and be nicer to her, after all,
280
00:15:37,400 --> 00:15:41,240
Scotland did want to stay with us. Maybe we could be friends.
281
00:15:41,240 --> 00:15:42,960
Ja.
282
00:15:42,960 --> 00:15:47,240
- Was ist das?
- She gave me a Loch Ness Monster fridge magnet.
283
00:15:47,240 --> 00:15:50,480
Actually, it's three magnets that fit together to make one monster.
284
00:15:50,480 --> 00:15:51,600
It's very clever.
285
00:15:54,720 --> 00:15:56,760
Do you want it for your collection?
286
00:15:56,760 --> 00:15:57,800
No.
287
00:15:59,160 --> 00:16:00,560
What else did she give you?
288
00:16:01,720 --> 00:16:04,560
I think she might have offered me a job.
289
00:16:04,560 --> 00:16:05,600
What?!
290
00:16:07,040 --> 00:16:10,360
I knew it. I'm going give that woman a Glasgow kiss.
291
00:16:10,360 --> 00:16:12,320
Angela! Please!
292
00:16:12,320 --> 00:16:15,320
If she wants independence, I'll make her head independent from her body.
293
00:16:15,320 --> 00:16:18,240
Angela, I don't want everybody fighting over me.
294
00:16:21,800 --> 00:16:23,040
KNOCKING
295
00:16:23,040 --> 00:16:24,240
Open up!
296
00:16:24,240 --> 00:16:26,640
Nein, this is not room service!
297
00:16:30,080 --> 00:16:31,880
Why are you wearing my jacket?!
298
00:16:36,800 --> 00:16:41,080
Hello? Anybody home?
299
00:16:45,880 --> 00:16:47,800
Oh! Hey, Buddy.
300
00:16:50,880 --> 00:16:52,200
Hello!
301
00:16:57,440 --> 00:17:01,040
The weekend's here, my work is done
302
00:17:01,040 --> 00:17:05,160
Some family time, some family fun
303
00:17:05,160 --> 00:17:09,440
But I might as well be on my own
304
00:17:09,440 --> 00:17:15,080
Cos the lights are on but nobody's home
305
00:17:16,680 --> 00:17:19,240
My son speaks a language I don't understand
306
00:17:19,240 --> 00:17:23,400
He's king of a country in some made up land
307
00:17:23,400 --> 00:17:26,600
Assassin's Creed and Destiny
308
00:17:26,600 --> 00:17:30,080
Resident Evil is living with me
309
00:17:30,080 --> 00:17:33,120
He's living in a virtual reality
310
00:17:33,120 --> 00:17:36,880
But what happens if he turns the computer on me?
311
00:17:36,880 --> 00:17:40,040
He thinks it's fantastic
312
00:17:40,040 --> 00:17:43,520
This world made of plastic
313
00:17:43,520 --> 00:17:47,360
But in my wallet and in my soul
314
00:17:47,360 --> 00:17:51,200
All that's left is one big hole!
315
00:17:51,200 --> 00:17:54,520
He's got it all, and then some
316
00:17:54,520 --> 00:17:58,920
But no room left for his poor mum
317
00:17:58,920 --> 00:18:02,640
I remember when it was David and me
318
00:18:02,640 --> 00:18:06,360
Nowadays, it's turned into David and i!
319
00:18:06,360 --> 00:18:10,120
iPhone, iPad, iWatch, iPaid
320
00:18:10,120 --> 00:18:13,320
Hoping, maybe, I'd get iLaid!
321
00:18:13,320 --> 00:18:15,120
Now he likes things hands free
322
00:18:15,120 --> 00:18:16,640
And so he never touches me
323
00:18:16,640 --> 00:18:20,360
And Siri seems to be the only one who'll ever talk to me...
324
00:18:20,360 --> 00:18:23,280
I'm sorry, I don't understand that command.
325
00:18:23,280 --> 00:18:24,400
Aaargh!
326
00:18:24,400 --> 00:18:27,800
He thinks it's fantastic
327
00:18:27,800 --> 00:18:31,880
This world made of plastic
328
00:18:31,880 --> 00:18:33,520
And what about my daughter?
329
00:18:33,520 --> 00:18:34,920
She's a millionairess
330
00:18:34,920 --> 00:18:38,160
Four times logger, blogger, Twitter trending success
331
00:18:38,160 --> 00:18:41,480
OMG! What about me?
332
00:18:41,480 --> 00:18:46,720
She's just called security
333
00:18:46,720 --> 00:18:50,000
She thinks it's fantastic
334
00:18:50,000 --> 00:18:53,760
This world made of plastic
335
00:18:53,760 --> 00:18:56,640
She's a teenage YouTube queen
336
00:18:56,640 --> 00:19:00,480
Set to retire at 17
337
00:19:00,480 --> 00:19:03,360
Is it me? Am I the freak?
338
00:19:03,360 --> 00:19:07,640
I miss the time when we'd just speak
339
00:19:10,720 --> 00:19:14,760
Finally, we're a family!
340
00:19:14,760 --> 00:19:16,160
Mum!
341
00:19:16,160 --> 00:19:17,480
Mum!
342
00:19:17,480 --> 00:19:19,760
- Oi!
- DOG BARKS AND WHINES
343
00:19:24,600 --> 00:19:29,600
Bernice, what greetings do you want on your West End theatre Christmas cards? Kenneth Branagh?
344
00:19:29,600 --> 00:19:31,160
Love.
345
00:19:31,160 --> 00:19:33,280
- Elaine Paige?
- Love.
346
00:19:33,280 --> 00:19:35,480
- Andrew Lloyd Webber?
- No love.
347
00:19:35,480 --> 00:19:36,800
Sherry, Sherry, Sherry.
348
00:19:36,800 --> 00:19:39,000
Here's my tea meeting, go away, you.
349
00:19:39,000 --> 00:19:41,120
Don't you want me to stay and write down what's said?
350
00:19:41,120 --> 00:19:43,240
No, Sherry, all respect, moronic.
351
00:19:43,240 --> 00:19:45,040
Anna! Over here, darling.
352
00:19:46,200 --> 00:19:48,080
Hi, you must be Bernice Ruben.
353
00:19:48,080 --> 00:19:52,640
I saw you in your play, you were gorgeous up there on that stage.
354
00:19:52,640 --> 00:19:55,440
Completely unrecognisable.
355
00:19:55,440 --> 00:19:57,120
I love your coat.
356
00:19:57,120 --> 00:19:59,280
- What is it?
- Beast.
357
00:19:59,280 --> 00:20:01,120
- Beast?
- I don't know.
358
00:20:01,120 --> 00:20:03,320
I wasn't there when they shot it.
359
00:20:03,320 --> 00:20:05,640
OK, so tell me about you.
360
00:20:05,640 --> 00:20:07,360
How come I've never heard of you?
361
00:20:09,760 --> 00:20:12,280
I wasn't aware of being reclusive.
362
00:20:12,280 --> 00:20:14,600
Funny. Funny is money.
363
00:20:15,760 --> 00:20:19,680
So, you don't know me, because you don't travel in bigger circles,
364
00:20:19,680 --> 00:20:22,400
but I'm an American theatre producer,
365
00:20:22,400 --> 00:20:24,880
and I take London shows to New York,
366
00:20:24,880 --> 00:20:28,040
and I want to move your show to Broadway.
367
00:20:31,240 --> 00:20:32,720
That's wonderful.
368
00:20:32,720 --> 00:20:34,080
I love a musical.
369
00:20:34,080 --> 00:20:36,160
Oh, no, it's not a musical.
370
00:20:36,160 --> 00:20:37,640
I wish you were in it more.
371
00:20:37,640 --> 00:20:39,560
Well, it's A Midsummer Night's Dream,
372
00:20:39,560 --> 00:20:43,080
so there are only so many scenes that Titania can be in.
373
00:20:43,080 --> 00:20:44,240
Oh, it's Shakespeare.
374
00:20:44,240 --> 00:20:45,320
Public domain.
375
00:20:45,320 --> 00:20:49,080
We'll get one of my New York gay boy writers to re-arrange it a little.
376
00:20:49,080 --> 00:20:51,680
And I'd like to bring in someone new for the score.
377
00:20:51,680 --> 00:20:52,920
Who did your version?
378
00:20:52,920 --> 00:20:54,320
Felix Mendelssohn.
379
00:20:55,440 --> 00:20:57,960
- The composer.
- We can do better.
380
00:20:57,960 --> 00:21:00,760
- Really?
- We should amp up the cast.
381
00:21:00,760 --> 00:21:05,000
In London, I brought over David Schwimmer as Oedipus Rex.
382
00:21:05,000 --> 00:21:06,720
Oh! He had such a range.
383
00:21:06,720 --> 00:21:11,880
He played neurotic, dejected and then a little more neurotic, dejected.
384
00:21:11,880 --> 00:21:15,640
I brought over the cook from Happy Days in Death Of A Salesman.
385
00:21:15,640 --> 00:21:20,040
His name is Al Molinaro, but nobody knows that, so I put on the poster,
386
00:21:20,040 --> 00:21:23,440
"The cook from Happy Days in Death Of A Salesman." Oi!
387
00:21:23,440 --> 00:21:26,600
Prince Philip was at the standby window, hoping for a ticket.
388
00:21:28,120 --> 00:21:30,840
Sorry, Bernice, could I just...?
389
00:21:30,840 --> 00:21:35,160
You have seen my production of Shakespeare's Midsummer Night's Dream using
390
00:21:35,160 --> 00:21:37,360
Mendelssohn's original music.
391
00:21:37,360 --> 00:21:41,480
You now want to change the script, throw out the score,
392
00:21:41,480 --> 00:21:44,960
and replace the cast with inappropriate actors.
393
00:21:44,960 --> 00:21:46,520
Is there anything you'd like to keep?
394
00:21:46,520 --> 00:21:49,920
Well, you. You're very talented right now.
395
00:21:49,920 --> 00:21:54,520
- The title?
- Midsummer, all caps, exclamation point.
396
00:21:54,520 --> 00:21:57,160
OK, Bernice, I'm so sorry,
397
00:21:57,160 --> 00:22:01,840
I have dreamed all my life of playing Broadway,
398
00:22:01,840 --> 00:22:08,360
but I cannot disregard my ideas about taste and quality.
399
00:22:08,360 --> 00:22:12,480
We of the British theatre are a different breed of cat.
400
00:22:21,680 --> 00:22:23,400
Gross or net?
401
00:22:23,400 --> 00:22:24,800
Net.
402
00:22:26,680 --> 00:22:29,520
I knew it! I knew it! You're a doll.
403
00:22:33,120 --> 00:22:34,680
All right, perimeter secure!
404
00:22:34,680 --> 00:22:37,040
ALARM BLARES
405
00:22:37,040 --> 00:22:40,640
Amazing, Leah. That disgruntled employee guy didn't know what hit him.
406
00:22:40,640 --> 00:22:44,080
Did anybody see which direction he went in when he jumped out of the window?
407
00:22:44,080 --> 00:22:45,960
No, we didn't see which direction he went in,
408
00:22:45,960 --> 00:22:50,040
but he did leave this card which says, "Happy birthday, Leah."
409
00:22:51,120 --> 00:22:54,000
Surprise, Leah. We wanted to get you something you'd really like.
410
00:22:54,000 --> 00:22:57,480
Jasmine suggested a stripper, but we thought this would be much better.
411
00:22:57,480 --> 00:23:00,080
Was that OK? It's normally wall-to-wall hen parties,
412
00:23:00,080 --> 00:23:01,400
so this was quite a challenge.
413
00:23:03,320 --> 00:23:05,680
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's great, yeah. Thanks.
414
00:23:05,680 --> 00:23:08,080
And it is all on the canteen security cameras,
415
00:23:08,080 --> 00:23:10,040
and I've asked them to make you a copy.
416
00:23:10,040 --> 00:23:12,120
Does anyone have a staple remover?
417
00:23:20,720 --> 00:23:23,520
Hello. Are you cold? Would you like a cup of tea?
418
00:23:24,720 --> 00:23:26,640
No, I'd like a shag.
419
00:23:28,000 --> 00:23:31,800
Shag, late old English, meaning rough matted hair.
420
00:23:31,800 --> 00:23:34,040
It's related to the Norwegian, Skeg.
421
00:23:34,040 --> 00:23:36,440
I once skegged Warren Beatty, you know.
422
00:23:36,440 --> 00:23:38,080
Famed Hollywood lothario.
423
00:23:38,080 --> 00:23:41,400
These days, I couldn't get a fumble in a funfair.
424
00:23:41,400 --> 00:23:42,840
Dr Germaine Greer.
425
00:23:42,840 --> 00:23:47,560
Old woman. They've written me off, consigned me to intellectual purgatory,
426
00:23:47,560 --> 00:23:50,480
just because I got old and because I kept shouting
427
00:23:50,480 --> 00:23:53,520
that lopping off your dick didn't make you a woman.
428
00:23:53,520 --> 00:23:56,040
And now they've taken away my freedom pass.
429
00:23:56,040 --> 00:23:57,880
UNINTELLIGIBLE MUMBLING
430
00:23:57,880 --> 00:24:01,120
That's right, Jenny. He wouldn't have looked at me like that 20 years ago.
431
00:24:01,120 --> 00:24:02,880
What is it, the grey pubic hair?
432
00:24:02,880 --> 00:24:05,880
Or the fact that my nipples are on my hips?
433
00:24:05,880 --> 00:24:10,600
I'm still in here, you know, in my halterneck and my cunsters.
434
00:24:10,600 --> 00:24:12,920
That's Australian for short denim shorts.
435
00:24:12,920 --> 00:24:18,360
Yes, I was the cause of much mental masturbation in my day,
436
00:24:18,360 --> 00:24:21,040
and now I'm invisible.
437
00:24:21,040 --> 00:24:22,640
Silenced.
438
00:24:22,640 --> 00:24:26,600
No-one can hear my voice, you probably barely know I'm here.
439
00:24:27,880 --> 00:24:28,920
I'll get the tube.
440
00:24:32,760 --> 00:24:35,640
Thank you so much for asking me to do a reading.
441
00:24:35,640 --> 00:24:37,600
I love John Betjeman.
442
00:24:37,600 --> 00:24:39,040
I can't believe...
443
00:24:39,040 --> 00:24:42,040
She's gone. I know.
444
00:24:42,040 --> 00:24:44,280
I can't find the words either.
445
00:24:44,280 --> 00:24:45,880
Well, I'll go and talk to the vicar.
446
00:24:52,040 --> 00:24:55,720
Here's the story of a late life romance
447
00:24:55,720 --> 00:24:59,400
'Twixt a beauty and a very cutesy guy
448
00:24:59,400 --> 00:25:03,120
But his kids were kind of tricky
449
00:25:03,120 --> 00:25:06,960
Cos they wanted all his cash when he died
450
00:25:06,960 --> 00:25:08,720
The Murdoch Bunch
451
00:25:08,720 --> 00:25:14,080
The Murdoch Bunch, that's the way we all became the Murdoch Bunch.
452
00:25:15,640 --> 00:25:17,280
Coffee and cookies.
453
00:25:17,280 --> 00:25:20,480
- I'm bored.
- So am I.
454
00:25:20,480 --> 00:25:23,600
Oh, liven up, you miserable bunch of lugs.
455
00:25:23,600 --> 00:25:25,520
Why don't we all play a board game?
456
00:25:25,520 --> 00:25:28,120
Quality family time, y'all.
457
00:25:28,120 --> 00:25:31,920
After all, the media conglomerate dynasty that plays together,
458
00:25:31,920 --> 00:25:33,520
stays together.
459
00:25:33,520 --> 00:25:35,600
How about a game of Murdoch-opoly?
460
00:25:35,600 --> 00:25:38,160
I'm in. Bagsy I get to be the top hat.
461
00:25:38,160 --> 00:25:41,800
Now, James, you're the motor car.
462
00:25:41,800 --> 00:25:44,320
Lachlan, you're the battleship.
463
00:25:44,320 --> 00:25:46,560
Georgie, you can be the little doggy.
464
00:25:46,560 --> 00:25:48,600
Elizabeth, you can be the wheelbarrow.
465
00:25:48,600 --> 00:25:51,200
And Prudence, you're the old boot.
466
00:25:51,200 --> 00:25:55,200
And I am the silver pussy.
467
00:25:55,200 --> 00:25:57,520
You can say that again.
468
00:25:57,520 --> 00:25:59,160
- Pussy.
- Again.
469
00:25:59,160 --> 00:26:01,520
- Pussy.
- Meow!
470
00:26:02,800 --> 00:26:05,360
- I'm the banker.
- Not on your Nelly.
471
00:26:05,360 --> 00:26:07,640
Booyah! I own that.
472
00:26:07,640 --> 00:26:09,760
I own that. And I own that.
473
00:26:09,760 --> 00:26:11,120
Right. I win.
474
00:26:11,120 --> 00:26:13,040
- Game over.
- Now, Rupie,
475
00:26:13,040 --> 00:26:16,800
I say we're going to play with good old Texas values of decency,
476
00:26:16,800 --> 00:26:18,480
respect and manners.
477
00:26:18,480 --> 00:26:20,520
- I'm out.
- Me too. - Yeah, me too.
478
00:26:20,520 --> 00:26:23,560
Kids, do what your latest mother says!
479
00:26:23,560 --> 00:26:25,200
OK, I'll go first.
480
00:26:25,200 --> 00:26:27,680
Fleet Street, let's scrub that out for a start.
481
00:26:27,680 --> 00:26:30,320
Oh, you have been elected chairman of the board.
482
00:26:30,320 --> 00:26:32,320
No way! That's totally unfair, dad!
483
00:26:32,320 --> 00:26:33,920
You promised that to me, dad!
484
00:26:33,920 --> 00:26:36,040
Lachlan is chairman of the board.
485
00:26:36,040 --> 00:26:39,120
- What?!
- I'm not Lachlan, I'm James.
486
00:26:39,120 --> 00:26:41,160
Well, how am I supposed to know?
487
00:26:41,160 --> 00:26:44,840
Remind me, which one of you two boys fucked up News International?
488
00:26:44,840 --> 00:26:45,880
BOTH: He did.
489
00:26:48,200 --> 00:26:49,400
I'm in jail.
490
00:26:49,400 --> 00:26:51,600
No way. You are not going to jail.
491
00:26:51,600 --> 00:26:52,880
- Neither am I.
- Nor me.
492
00:26:52,880 --> 00:26:55,360
We'll get Andy Colson to go for you.
493
00:26:55,360 --> 00:26:57,640
Yay, I've inherited £100.
494
00:26:57,640 --> 00:26:59,840
- Dad!
- Dad!
495
00:26:59,840 --> 00:27:02,000
I've had enough of this!
496
00:27:02,000 --> 00:27:04,720
Come on, Jerry. Twerp for me.
497
00:27:04,720 --> 00:27:07,000
It's called twerking, Rupie.
498
00:27:07,000 --> 00:27:08,480
Whatever it is, just do it.
499
00:27:08,480 --> 00:27:11,880
It makes my willy go all fizzy.
500
00:27:11,880 --> 00:27:13,240
That's the ticket.
501
00:27:13,240 --> 00:27:15,720
Boys, show your new mother some respect.
502
00:27:15,720 --> 00:27:17,080
Put some cash in her bra.
503
00:27:17,080 --> 00:27:20,120
Oh, that's it.
504
00:27:20,120 --> 00:27:21,720
Family bonding time, y'all.
505
00:27:25,080 --> 00:27:27,040
- Good day, Leah?
- Yeah.
506
00:27:27,040 --> 00:27:30,440
Showed them the "escape, conceal, fight back" video.
507
00:27:30,440 --> 00:27:34,600
Foiled an attack. Got a selfie with the perpetrator.
508
00:27:34,600 --> 00:27:37,440
Well, I say perpetrator...
509
00:27:39,120 --> 00:27:42,040
It was only a drill. It was kind of a drill, you know.
510
00:27:42,040 --> 00:27:44,600
- I didn't know you had arranged a drill.
- Well, I hadn't.
511
00:27:44,600 --> 00:27:47,040
It was a prank/drill.
512
00:27:47,040 --> 00:27:49,880
- A prank?
- Don't they have any idea?
513
00:27:49,880 --> 00:27:51,880
I would rather they didn't have any idea, you know.
514
00:27:51,880 --> 00:27:54,680
It's what I do, isn't it? Take the flak, cos they can't.
515
00:27:56,120 --> 00:27:57,920
Oh! Almost forgot.
516
00:28:00,600 --> 00:28:02,280
Ta-dah!
517
00:28:02,280 --> 00:28:03,600
Eh?
518
00:28:03,600 --> 00:28:06,080
Happy birthday, mate.
519
00:28:06,080 --> 00:28:07,560
Oh, mate! Yeah.
520
00:28:11,840 --> 00:28:15,120
- What did you wish for?
- Same as always. A safer world.
521
00:28:17,080 --> 00:28:18,880
Want to play escape, conceal, fight back?
522
00:28:21,120 --> 00:28:22,160
You're on.
523
00:28:24,040 --> 00:28:26,520
Three, two, one...
524
00:28:26,520 --> 00:28:29,440
SHE YELLS
525
00:28:29,490 --> 00:28:34,040
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