Original subtitles

This programme contains some strong language

When I was small I used to dance in my mother's bedroom

Then I grew up and did it again And basically,

I'm still doing the same show I did in my mother's bedroom

And I'll do it to the bitter end

Cos it's my Tracey Ullman's Show

Tracey Ullman's Show

Let's do the show, let's go

Tra-acey Ullman's Show

Tracey Ullman, Tracey Ullman

Tracey, Tracey, Tracey, Tracey

Tracey Ullman's Show

Let's go!

I am made up to be here today.

To stand before you and pass on me pearls.

Me! Pam Garrity!

Merseyside And North Cheshire's Businesswoman Of The Year

for five years on the trot, says this:

When I got pregnant at the age of 16 by that bastard

Tony Kelly from the Star And Garter,

did I let it define me?

Did I let it ruin my life? No.

I started 38 and a half different businesses - every one a hit!

There's me haulage company, Pam's Vans.

There's me vintage furniture shops, Pam's-tiques.

There's me pastry-based snack emporium, Pam's Pies.

And, of course, me Christmas decorations business,

Pa-Rappa-Pam-Pam.

And I didn't have to go down to London

to become a multimillionaire, no!

I stayed up here, a girl of me word.

Cut me and I bleed the North.

I bleed Liverpool.

I AM Liverpool.

I am anything higher up on the map than Birmingham!

Don't let anyone tell you

that you have to go down south to be a success.

I am a northern powerhouse. What am I?

- A northern powerhouse! - Cheers, kid.

Those braces aren't a setback, by the way.

The secret to my success is one word -

people.

I like people.

I am people.

Cut me and what do I bleed?

Liverpool!

And people. Yeah.

Thanks very much.

Ta-ra. Ta-ra.

Oh, you were an inspiration in there.

I am going to get you the national - no,

the global recognition that you deserve!

Yeah, global!

I want to be Pam-oramic.

I'm glad I took you on, Elaine.

I got loads of applications from all those PR gobshites in London,

- but do you know why I chose you? - Because I'm the best!

Because you're from Leeds.

Now, come on, I want you to meet some of my people.

Hello, I'm Dame Maggie, and I'm recording a short

presentation for all the wonderful directors -

and the substandard ones, of which there are a number.

I wish to show you I can play above and beyond "posh old lady".

You know, it's called range.

Here are some of my other voices.

Number one:

- STILL VERY POSH: - Are you breaking my balls, you wiseguy?

Tommy wants his money. Go down in the 10th, capiche?

That hard-boiled Italian gangster was, in fact, me.

Voice number two:

- SAME VOICE: - Get a point in for the lads, so it is.

That's a "point".

There you are, you see, it's Irish.

Loike a native.

Voice three:

- SAME VOICE: - Beep, beep, boop, boop, beep, Master Luke.

Beep-de-beep!

That was my droid.

I can do many other voices, including Cotswolds and Chilterns.

I look forward to hearing from you, mon.

There, there, I was giving you my Jamaican.

Or was that Scottish?

It could be both, you see, because Maggie's on fire!

Ah, that's good!

Thanks, Josie.

Now, go on, Elaine, you have a go. Come on!

On me, you're going to love it!

It's a new kind of filler called Pam-plify.

I love it here.

I love beauty. Cut me and I bleed beauty. TEXT MESSAGE

Oh, look at this.

They want you to be Mayor of Southport.

Oh, no frigging way -

I'm not going to be mayor of anywhere with "south" in the title!

I'm a northern powerhouse!

I can't have the S word on me business cards.

PAINED SQUEAKS

Elaine, stop screaming, stop screaming.

You're frightening everybody, hold onto me hand.

PHONE PLAYS LOUD DUBSTEP MUSIC

MUSIC STOPS

Right, off.

But, this isn't my yard. I mean, my bus stop.

I don't care, get off the...

Hang on.

You aren't her, are you?

If you mean, am I Dame Judi Dench, then, do you know what?

I believe I am.

You were amazing as Queen Victoria in, erm, Mrs Brown!

Oh, dear Billy Connolly carried that film.

I just rode a horse now and then.

When you're playing a real character,

you just try to find the truth.

And who cares of it goes on to make over 30 million in 20 territories?

I'm sorry, I've had people complaining,

but it can't have been about you. You're a national treasure.

I am!

I wouldn't ride the 94 bus every day, terrorising passengers

and flashing my tits at the security cameras

just because I could get away with it.

Nah, didn't think you would.

Would you like some of my M&Ms?

- I can't seem to handle the sugar these days. - Oh, thank you.

DUBSTEP RESUMES

Don't even go there.

Well, you've seen the grounds.

Are there any questions you'd like to ask about the school?

No, it all looks very impressive.

You have wonderful facilities, Mrs Hetherington.

Oh, do call me Diana, I don't like to be formal.

I'm a bit of a mother figure here.

A bosom to rest a weepy head on when somebody's missing home.

So, you're from Korea?

Yes, my company is based in Seoul.

We have had quite a few boys from your part of the world.

I remember a young Kim Jong-un, quite a character.

Yes, he would come back from the half hols with what

we would call Pyongyang brain.

He'd be screaming orders at the other boys in the prep room and

striking them across the soles of their feet with his lacrosse stick.

But he'd calm down eventually and come to me

for some beans on toast and a bit of a cuddle!

Kyung-woo doesn't like toast or beans.

Oh, well, not to worry.

Cook is very good at catering to our overseas students.

She bought a wok in Dorchester,

and she's turning our old fountain into a shrimp farm.

EXPLOSION Oh! Get down! Down!

EXPLOSIONS CONTINUE Just stay down.

Oh, it's a false alarm!

It's just Mr Sampson firing up the lawnmower.

Oh, I thought the Gaddafi boys had returned.

They were so angry when they didn't make the first XI.

They were charging around with their automatic rifles

and their battery-powered kitchen knives.

Mr Sampson, don't mow there!

We've got four oligarchs' choppers landing there this afternoon.

The last time the Russians were here,

they did rather churn up the playing fields.

And then Mr Slack, our groundsman, complained.

We had to bury him in a lead-lined coffin.

Some isotope or other, dropped in his cocoa.

If you'd like to follow, I'll show you the Tony Blair Library.

Tony Blair?

I know. We lost our charitable status last year,

so we can't afford to be too fussy about our friends.

I've just taking Elaine here to my beauty salon, Pam-per.

You can't tell, can you?

No, she's good, Josie.

She's got a very steady hand, and that's what you need, Carly,

isn't it? Oh, no, you're one of the lucky ones!

Because of your hyperactive thyroid, you don't wrinkle.

I envy our Carly, I really do, Elaine. Because fat don't crack.

How is Glam Pam?

God, I love this business! What do I love, Carl?

This business.

Cut me and I bleed frocks.

Now, show us the latest on the website, girls.

Basically, Beyonce was wearing this frock on the red carpet

19 minutes ago, and already we've got two girls

walking around the Arndale Centre in a copy.

Yous lot are good, aren't they good?

But we need to cut down on these times.

I want these copycat frocks online

before the celebrity has even got out the limo.

- Do you get me? - Yeah.

Do you want one of these, Elaine?

Oh, come on, I reckon you're Beyonce's size, don't you, Carly?

Go on! Go on, Elaine, go on!

We're branching out into gastric bands in 2017. Pam's Bands.

Now, I'm not saying that you need it or anything,

but I'd love you to have one, on me, any colour.

- You wouldn't see the colour. - No, but you'd know.

Ey, you want me to give you a hand there?

This is our rabbit, and she's called Megan.

Does anybody want to stroke Megan?

Are you sure?

What if she jumps on your face and chews it off and sucks the juice

out of your eyes and then crunches your little bones with her paws?

Not that rabbits do that.

Oh-oh, I don't think she wants to cuddle you now, Megan.

Never mind.

I'm going to have to do it.

No, I'm sending it back to Bratislava.

What good is it to me if it's eating behind my back?

Givenchy said it looked really well,

and we all know what that means. Mmm.

Oh, shut the front door!

Tatiana, I'll call you right back.

Gypsy skirt!

Oi! Gypsy skirt!

Gypsy skirt!

Oh, my God, look at you! Look at you!

My God, you are gorgeous. Let me take a picture.

- Let me take a picture! - What you doing?!

Oh, relax, I'm from Isis.

The model agency! The goddess of beauty!

Stop that girl! Stop that girl!

She stole my phone!

Oi!

I haven't nicked anything.

Steph Moore, I represented Charlize Theron

before the restraining order.

You see, there's no need to be...

Wait a minute.

- How tall are you? - Eh?

How dare you?

I'm looking for girls that are 5'8" plus, and you've got to be...?

- 5'1". - 5'1".

Oh, I threw away two slices of cucumber for you, bitch!

Ooh, you've got loads of tension in there.

You must be really worried about something.

Something really quite terrible.

So, whatever we've brought into the room,

let's just put it to one side

and just take the coupon.

The...coupon of relaxation.

Try to imagine a board.

Write your problems on that board,

and then just rub it out.

What was that?

Erm...

I just dropped a warm towel on your back.

Warm, moist towel.

And I'm going to rub it all over your back.

There are notes of oregano and pineapple in it.

Which are essential.

As is ham.

Here we are.

Now, gather round, gather round, everyone.

Here we are finally in the throne room.

It is at the end of the processional arrangement of rooms,

meaning that you have to go through an awful lot of rather unimpressive

ones to get to this point, but I think it's worth it in the end.

Sometimes, the best things really do come to those who wait.

And it's brighter, isn't it, then the other rooms?

I've never really noticed that before.

Not great for the tapestries, but then, hey,

there's more to life than textiles, isn't there?

Like walks on the beach, and picnics in the park,

and lazy mornings in bed.

And, oh!

Just look at those roses!

- And is that Anne, there? - Oh, no, no, no.

This is Catherine Parr, that is Henry VIII's sixth and,

I'm glad to say, final wife.

She'd been married before, but then, so was he.

And that means she has experience, which I think counts for a lot.

Not least in the bedroom, because, you know, these 25-year-olds,

they might have the all the right lumps and bumps,

but they don't know what they're doing, do they?

TEXT MESSAGE Oh, I do apologise!

I shouldn't really have this on. Dear me.

So what happened to Catherine after he died?

What?

What happened?

Oh. She got back with the ex.

Oh. Well, good for her.

- What? - Erm...

As a widow, I mean, moving on.

That's not moving on!

That's going back.

That's going back!

So...

Which way do we go from here?

Oh...

I've no idea.

Hello, I'm line judge Margaret MacDonald.

You may remember me from the 1996 Wimbledon quarter-finals,

when a Jana Novotna serve bounced up my skirt.

SIGHS

Today, I'm going to show you how not to crumble

when hit by a high-speed serve.

And my son, Edmund, is going to help.

The most important thing by far is not to burst into tears,

even it does get you a hug from Stefan Edberg

and your photo in all the newspapers.

Helen Chalmers.

You have two choices - one, pretend it didn't happen.

Two, enjoy it and be energised.

And, three, maybe share the joke with the crowd.

- Are you ready, Edmund? - The surgeon said you shouldn't do this any more.

- Are you ready, Edmund? - Fine.

Ow!

So, big smile, wave at the crowd.

Maybe a little joke.

It's all right, I've had my children!

Ah, right. It shouldn't matter...

how many times it happens...!

Two, maybe three...

four times...

And... Ow!

And... Ouch!

Right, and there you have it,

everything you need to become a Wimbledon line...

Argh! ..judge.

And truly live the dream.

Stop now, Edmund! Stop, you little bastard!

Edmund! Edmund! Edmund!

- Well. - What is it?

They want you to be the new Dragon on Dragons' Den.

I'd weep tears of joy, Lainey, but I'm hard as nails, me.

Cut me and nails is what I bleed, do you get me?

- There's one slight problem. - What is it?

Hit me, right between the eyes, I can take it.

Is it Deborah Meaden, is she jealous of me success?

Well, leave it with me, I'll butter her up.

Tell her I loved her in Strictly Come Dancing -

lying bitch that I am!

Every time she high kicked in the Argentinian tango, I vommed!

They're filming the new series in Bristol.

- Where? - Bristol.

Where's that?

Well...

Don't do this to me, Lainey.

It's down south.

Tell them to bring it 200 miles up the M1,

or this bitch ain't playing ball.

Haven't they ever heard of Media City?

Now, I don't want you to take this the wrong way, Tonya.

You've heard of the book Lean In: Women, Work And The Will To Lead?

Well, I've written one - it's called

Straighten Your Back, Love, And Stand The Fuck Up.

Look at this, fitness!

It's a global opportunity, you know what I mean, Elaine?

I want to crack the Chinese market.

I love China, but it's got to be North China.

Cut me and I bleed... Erm...

Google the name of a city in Northern China.

Beijing.

Cut me and I bleed Beijing, babe.

Come on, get your kit on,

there's a Pam Slam boxing class in ten minutes.

- Let's go. - Pam... - Come on.

Got to get that bum tighter. Tight, tight, tight!

Got to be dead tight.

- FROM LAPTOP: - 'I don't like it, Dom,

'it doesn't shout, "add to basket" to me.'

That one as well?

Right, really, Dmitri, you know, thanks for your honest feedback.

It helps me learn,

and I've learned something on all three projects you've just turned down.

Are you sure there's nothing in Find My Washing Machine?

- 'Doesn't click with our vision.' - Nope? OK.

Well, I shall just regroup with myself and let...

He's lost his connection, so...

Well.

That was good.

Better off without him.

Got no overheads, because I work here.

And soon I won't have the flat,

so there'll be even less overheads,

and, well, you don't really need anywhere to sleep, do you?

It's a 24-hour society. I'll just go from coffee bar to coffee bar.

It's...

It's all... It's all great.

- What's this? - You have been coming here for one year today.

This is your anniversary panini. It's on us.

Tuna melt. That's my favourite.

Cake would make more sense?

- Cake does not have best before date of today, so... - Oh.

Well, I'm going to let you in on a secret.

I know you think I'm a successful businessman and a role model,

but it's been a very difficult year.

And this has been the nicest thing that anyone's done from me in ages.

Next year will be different.

Someone will buy your paradigm-changing mobile platforms.

Yeah.

I know I don't always drop a tip in that paper cup.

You never put a tip in the paper cup.

But I just want to say thank you.

Because, you know, I've learned something.

45-year-old white men

are the most discriminated-against group on the planet.

Still, could be worse,

could be working a dead-end job in a coffee shop or something!

We closed now.

Aw!

Come on, bants between buds?

Now.

Nobody needs to find their washing machine. It is in kitchen.

Well, tell me that 12 months ago!

Tatiana, it was stunning. It was so beautiful.

I said to it, you're amazing,

and it was like, "But I'm already signed!"

And it was already signed. Yeah. To Cyclone!

That's what I said to it! Yeah.

Any word from Burberry?

Oh, bollocks.

Yeah, well, what about Svetlana? She's quite alien-y?

Oh.

I've got to go, I'll call you back.

Oi! Ginger!

You're just what Burberry's looking for!

I'm from Isis!

SCREAMS

Oh, for God's sake, it's a model agency!

She was the goddess of beauty!

Oh, come back, you stupid thing!

Give me that. Give - give me! Give me that! Give me that!

Look, you've got a really editorial face!

What are you doing?

- What you wearing those for, so ridiculous. - You're scaring me!

Who said fashion was easy?

Oh.

Actually, your face is rather dull.

Good proportions, but nothing that says, "billboard".

Leave me alone!

Argh!

Oh, God, are you all right?

My tooth's come out! My tooth!

Really?

How big's the gap?

Smile.

Oh, God, baby!

Get ready to make millions!

Let me Polaroid you, let me Polaroid you!

Tatiana! Call Burberry, I've found one.

Yeah, I'll have couriered over, a small bike should do it.

Shit, where did it go? Where did it go?!

Where is it?! Where is it?!

HUMMING A TUNE

What's wrong with your mouth?

It's lipstick, Mummy, I'm going out, aren't I?

Going to the theatre, remember?

Going to see Aspects Of Love with my Michael Ball.

There, dinner's in the blender,

and I've left your pills in size order.

Your fibre drink's in the fridge.

I've gone for butterscotch, but she can pop a banana in there

if you think you can handle it.

She?!

Oh, not her again?

Oh, no, that Eastern European carer won't come any more.

Not after the last time.

All that stuff you said about ethnic cleansing.

You can be very forthright, Mummy.

No, Adelaide's coming.

You know, your friend Elspeth's little girl?

Well, I say little.

She's ten years older than me!

You know, the one that didn't get married?

Ooh, I'm ever so excited.

The last time I went out on my own,

you had to sign the consent form for the school trip to Whipsnade.

And I got that picture with the black rhinoceros.

It's extinct now.

That's me done.

Have you got a 10p for the phone?

Oh, I won't be able to call you, Mummy.

Not during the show.

Oh, fine.

We'll just see if I'm still alive when you get back.

You've got a very vivid imagination, Mother. Very vivid.

It's five-to, where can she be?

PHONE RINGS

Kentham 3340?

Yes?

Oh, no!

Oh, I'm so sorry!

Yes, well, thank you for letting us know.

Adelaide won't be coming over, Mother.

A neighbour found her in the hallway...

Old age, apparently.

Well.

I'd best blend those faggots.

Perhaps later we can watch Les Miserables.

Songbirds!

Again?

Well, you know best, Mummy.

I love people.

Have I told you, Elaine? Cut me and I bleed people. TEXT MESSAGE

What's that?

- Do you want the good news or the bad news? - The bad news, hit me.

- Dragons' Den won't budge. - They're dead to me. What's the good news?

They're offering you a peerage.

A title.

Lady Pam!

- I'm Lady Pam? - Yes, you are!

- I'm Lady Pam! - Yes!

- I'm Lady frigging Pam! - Yes.

I feel dead humbled in a really northern way!

If I was on speaking terms with me mam, she'd be made up for me.

Oh, Lainey!

Oh, you in the House of Lords!

This is the recognition you deserve!

Ey, hang on.

They don't expect me to go to London, do they?

But that's where the House of Lords is.

Oh, Elaine, have you learned nothing today?

I don't bleed the South, I bleed up here, the North,

I'm a northern powerhouse.

Why is it all about down there?

When up here is so fierce?

- What's this, Lainey? - An Eccles cake. - Exactly.

It's not a Chipping Norton cake, it's not a bleeding Cambridge cake, it's an Eccles cake!

From the North, from Eccles,

with the pain of a hundred LS Lowry paintings

writ through it in raisins!

The North puts the N in my DNA.

DRUM ROLL

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage

our very own northern powerhouse, Pam Garrity!

The Angel of the North, she guides me

Guides me

The soul of Gracie Fields beside me

No-one of my kin ever shagged a southern snob

I was born with a Lyons spoon in me gob

Knocked up when I was 16

16

By that bastard Tony Kelly

Such a bastard

Six kids, six dads, six lads, all mad

You should see the stretch marks on me belly

Belly

I bleed the North, I need the North

And with Pam's Pies, I feed the North

I Pam what I Pam, and to be like I am

You got to Pam like a Pam, pa-ram-pa-Pam-Pam

Hey-hey-hey

So did I live on benefits

Benefits

With me little kids and moan?

She didn't moan

I filled out form G78

Took out a Government Enterprise Scheme Allowance Loan

I started Pam's Pies, Pam's-tiques

Glam Pam, Wham Pam

Pam Care, Pam-per

Pam's Jams, Pam's Hams

Pam's Scams!

Oi, enough of that, that's a stereotype.

I bleed the North, I need the North

And with Pam's Vans, I speed the North

I Pam what I Pam, and to be like I am

You got to Pam like a Pam, pa-ram-pa-Pam-Pam

Hey-hey-hey

Flat caps and mushy peas, that's the past, no more please

Clogs and northern misery, that image went away

On the plane with Morrissey, when he pissed off to LA

I bleed the North, I need the North

And with Pam's Plants, I seed the North

I Pam what I Pam, and to be like I am

You got to Pam like a Pam, pa-ram-pa-Pam-Pam

Hey-hey-hey

- Cos what am I? - A powerhouse!

- And what aren't I? - A shithouse!

- You're not wrong there. - Shithouse!

- That's enough. - Pam, Pam, Pam

Come up here, George Osborne.

Like my digital platforms, I give great reception.

Cut me and what do I bleed?

The North!

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