All language subtitles for Tracey Ullmans Show s01e03.eng

♪ When I was small, I used to
dance in my mother's bedroom

♪ Then I grew up and did it again

♪ And basically
I'm still doing the same show

♪ I did in my mother's bedroom
and I'll do it to the bitter end

♪ Cos it's my Tracey Ullman's Show!

♪ Tracey Ullman's Show
Let's do the show, let's go

♪ Tracey Ullman's Show!

♪ Tracey Ullman, Tracey Ullman

♪ Tracey, Tracey, Tracey, Tracey

♪ Tracey Ullman's Show!
Let's go. ♪

This programme contains
some strong language.

That's £19.50.

IN AN AMERICAN ACCENT:
May I just say how much I enjoyed riding backwards?

IN AN AMERICAN ACCENT:
Here you are, my good man.

- Cheers.
- "Cheers!"

It's a beautiful language.

It's a beautiful country. I hope
it rains later. It's so quaint, wet.

- I am so lagged.
- Yeah, but it's a nice lag, it's a British lag.

Oh, the room is beautiful.

Will you look at this view?
Look at this light.

Turner painted in this light.

It's so roomy, Hal.
Oh! And look at this rail.

You get in, you get out.
It's so thoughtful.

It's a courtesy, I would say.
They are a very courteous people.

Paper's thin.
But in an elegant sort of way.

Like an after-dinner mint, refined.

- Oh, Hal! Come and look,
come and look. - What?

It's a British pubic hair.

- How do you know it's British?
- Well, it's smaller.

And it's kind of curlier but it's
a tighter curl.

It's the breeding.

It's refined, like
a short-haired breed.

HE BLOWS
Oh! It's gone.

- Come along, you.
- Well, thank you.

It's good, actually, to get
that off my...

Well, off my...

Yes, just leave it with me.

Joan?

- Anything interesting?
- No, just a complaint about speed bumps.

I tried to explain my
hopes to revolutionise politics

by dismantling the
oppressive constraints

of a patriarchal society but...

I didn't think he was concentrating.

- Are there many more?
- Oh, yes.

Quite a few. They're...
They're very popular. The...

- Uh, the surgeries, I mean.
- Who's next? - OK, we've got Mrs Markham.

- A noise complaint.
- Thank you, Joan. Show her in. - Mrs Markham?

Ah, Mrs Markham.
I'm Sally Preston, your new MP.

I'm delighted to meet you.

They tell me that you have an ongoing
issue with antisocial behaviour.

Yes, it's my neighbour but one.

I've spoken about him to the
Council on several occasions

but they say they can't...

- You're not wearing a top.
- No. No, I'm not.

- What happened?
- Nothing. I... I don't wear tops.

- Because of a rash?
- No, because of politics.

- Oh, won't they let you
wear tops in politics now? - No.

- My personal politics don't allow me
to cover my breasts. - Oh, right.

- I burnt my bra.
- Oh, in the '60s?

No, Tuesday.

Cooking.

Right, well, let's get back
to this noise issue, shall we?

- So, let me just take down some...
- You've picked up a pen.

- Yes, I know, I'm going
to make some notes. - No!

You've... picked up a pen.

Oh. Thank you.

What about a thin cotton slip?

- Oh, that would be contrary
to party manifesto. - It's on the leaflet.

- Exactly.
- No. It's on the leaflet.

Oh.

Right. Um...

Look, why don't you just leave your
address details with my assistant

and I'll make sure that
I chase up the noise problem

with the relevant department, OK?
Uh, Joan?

We've got Mr Corbett next.

- Says it's a philosophical matter.
- Right.

Oh, and, Joan,
if some talc were to turn up,

it wouldn't be the
worst thing in the world.

Right. Mr Corbett?

Ah. Now, Mr Corbett. How can I help
you with...?

SHE GASPS
Oh, my God!

- It's a political statement.
- Uh, no, it's not. Uh, Joan? Joan?

Good evening, I'm Dame Maggie Smith
and I'm demonstrating my versatility,

which I do not believe
the world has yet appreciated.

Today, I'm showing off my
motion capture character chops.

Hence the garb.

I shall start with
a comic book superhero.

"Yes, I am trying to
clean up the city"

"and if I have to break a
few skulls to do it, I will."

"Even if it is a
complete palaver, darling."

There. That was a Batman
or a Daredevil.

Well, they're all the same,
you may as well be honest about it.

The Hulk's a little different.

Because he's green.

I can also do animals.

Here is my ape with a franchise
titled Planet Of The Above.

"Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh!"

"It's the taste."

Thank you.

You're too kind.

Oh, may I mention I can
also catch a gun in midair

and shoot it before I hit the ground?

Most probably.

Have you got your ticket?

Yes, we've got ours.

Always makes me think I'm at the
delicatessen counter at Sainsbury's.

Doesn't it, Mum? I always say
to the nurse, don't I, Mum?

I say, "Two Scotch eggs, please!"

SHE LAUGHS

I don't think this nurse
speaks much English, so...

Hmm.

- What number are you?
- Uh, 103.

Oh, that's mother's age. Oh!

You've done very well, haven't you?
You must have been up with the lark.

We can't use our bus passes before
9:30 so we're number 142.

Yeah, that's our best number
so far, isn't it, Mum? Hmm.

And we've got chairs
this time and everything,

so it must be our lucky day, huh?

Hmm.

- Do you come here often?
- No.

We do. Mother's having some tests.

Having her blood taken.

They must like your blood,
mustn't they, Mum?

SHE LAUGHS

They lost the last lot
so we've had to come back.

- But we don't mind, it's like a home
from home here for us, isn't it? - Hmm.

Oh, there's your doctor, Mum. Look,
oh! He's a nice young man, isn't he?

He's a smashing young man.

I'm afraid there's been
a bit of a hold-up,

we're three hours behind,
but we will get to you eventually.

Don't worry about us, Doctor.
No, we're making a day of it.

We've got sandwiches and everything.

I just need you
to fill in this form.

Details here, pain score there

and mark any piercings
on this diagram here.

- Thank you.
- Oh, yes. Thank you, Doctor. Yes, Doctor.

Oh!

- Well, she's got to have a procedure.
- What did the doctor say?

- Oh, I think he said...
mark where it hurts. - Oh.

So, that's pretty much everywhere,
isn't it, Mummy?

Um, there, huh?

There. And your new knees.

And your new hips.

- Oh, and here.
- Ah.

- Yes, looks about right.
- That's fine. - Hmm.

IN AN AMERICAN ACCENT: Listen to
these names, Hal. Lara, Alexa.

They're kind of classy,
don't you think?

Debbie. "Student masseuse.
Uniforms, toys, A & O-levels."

Education is very important in this
country. All those old schools.

Yeah, and look at this implant. It's
a British implant, it's more natural.

Look at this dame.
There's something in her eye.

It's like she's looking right
at you. It's a kind of dignity.

Like Helen Mirren.

- No American woman can get her
tatas out like Helen Mirren. - Oh, no.

That is one beautiful British rack.

And the smell in here, what is it?

It's like a...
SHE SNIFFS

Sandalwood, it's a...

It's a woodsy smell,
like mushrooms or...

I think it's pee.

Yeah, I think it's pee.

Well, it just takes you back to
your childhood and it's very playful.

A little pussy cat.
I just think that cats are great fun.

And this I make simply by
sticking my fingers in some paint

and picking up the mug
and there you go.

Job done. That is
literally handmade.

Wow!

- Ooh, £100.
- Yes, but it is particularly playful.

So, where do you get your ideas?

Well, I try to think back
to being a three-year-old child.

And think, "What did I like?"

I liked cats, I liked anything pink,
I liked chocolate, playful things.

And then if that little girl
had a multinational company,

what sort of company would it be?

We've a creative session now. Would
you like to come and observe?

So...

what do we think?

Uh, £60.

Ah. Now come on now, Hannah.

Don't block yourself,
there are no bad ideas here.

And it is very playful.

- £70.
- 160 quid.

Excellent work, Damian.
Now, what about this?

Oh, um, £50.

£60. £70, £80.

Good work, Hannah. Much, much better.

Much better.

And, did I hear something about

you relocating to Luxembourg?

Oh, you'd have to ask
the business gods about that.

I'm just interested in the fun
side of things, the creative,

the playfulness.
- Because I'm sure... - Um, I think it's something like,

and I'll probably get this completely
wrong but I think it's something like

if we relocate to Luxembourg,

then we don't have to pay corporation
taxes on any sales in the EU

apart from Luxembourg, which is
only 0.1% of the market.

Or something like that.

Oh, and this is my Happy range.

This is "Tea makes me happy".

- "Eggs makes me happy."
- And do eggs make you happy?

- I don't eat eggs,
I'm on a no-cholesterol diet. - Right.

Um, and just finally, why do you
think you've been so successful?

I think it's cos it's fun
and it's playful and people want to

spend about 30 quid on a present and
they don't really care what it is.

Yeah, Anini was on Dior?

Yeah, I'm not surprised.
Leoli's too fat.

I told her in Milan, I said,
"If you want to do Runway,"

"you can't just be thin, you've
got to be abandoned donkey thin."

Tatiana, I'll call you back.
Um, can somebody stop this thing?

Does anybody know
how to stop this thing?

Yeah, I've just seen the most amazing
girl. Uh, can you get out of my way?

I run Isis.

Not that one!

Um...

Oh! Steph Walsh, Isis. The
model agency, not the, you know...

I had the name first.
Oh, my God, you're gorgeous.

I can see your clavicles,
it's amazing.

And I bet I could play
xylophone on your ribs.

Oh, you're tall, you're tall too.

I can practically see your
sinuses and I'm wearing heels.

- How old are you, sweetheart?
- 19.

- Liar.
- I am.

ID, I need to see some ID. Well...
Oh, you can drive!

Well, I can't take anyone over 16.

You really shouldn't waste
people's time like this, you know.

You should know that at your age!

Oh! Aggressive.

SHE TUTS

SIRENS WAIL ON SCREEN

You came through the fire escape?
Out.

I don't know what you mean.

- Where's your ticket, then?
- Oh. Well, I seem to have misplaced it.

I'd hardly sneak in.

I'm Dame Judi Dench,
I'm a national treasure.

- Yeah, right. Out.
- No, I'll show you.

- Um, give me your torch, please.
- No.

Just give me your torch,
you little...

Oh, my God, you are Judi Dench!

Yes, and I'm here because
it's so important to follow

what the young actors are doing.

Such beautiful, nuanced performances.

That's why I've come to see
Fast And Furious 7.

Well, it's an honour to
have you in our cinema.

- Can I tell you a secret?
- Yes.

I think you're much better than
Helen Mirren and Meryl Streep.

Ah, I think we both know
that's not true!

SHE LAUGHS

Could you ask this lady
in front to move?

If I knew a man in the pub
who was running off copies

for the market, he'd probably say,

"Make sure you don't get anyone's
head in the way this time."

But I don't do things like that
for kicks just because I can!

I'm a national treasure.

Sorry, Miss?

- You're going to have to move.
- I booked this seat.

That's Judi Dench.

Oh.

- Thank you so much. Now go
and get me a blue slushy. - Sure.

These are our chickens.

Some people say, "Why have you got
chickens in the zoo? They're boring."

"I want my money back."

Well, some people say that.

When they get back to their
car at the end of the day,

they find it covered
in elephant shit.

Come here, you! Come here, you. Yeah!

Ah! This is an enterprise zone.

You'd be better off
with the mums and the retireds

over there, love, all right?

Hey, Christina.

Got an important meeting so bring
your A game and two lattes.

IN A FOREIGN ACCENT:
We don't work for you,

you are customer in our shop.
- Yeah, yeah, no time to discuss

all the niceties. Ah!

Hey, are you the app guy?

- Yes, the one and only.
So you found us OK? - Yeah.

Welcome to Disruptasaur.

10 Park Place. Kind of assumed
it would be more...

- An office?
- Yeah. - I'm post-office.

Yeah, I mean, I don't mean
I'm a post office.

No, I mean I'm in a flexi
third space zone with Wi-Fi

and it's ideal for the app creator.

Go around the lead, love.
Go round, I'm on 9% here. Go round.

- Yeah.
- What have you got? - It's shit hot. You know Shazam?

You hear a song, you want to know
what the song is? Shazam tells you.

- Yeah, I know it.
- Yeah, well, this is like Shazam but for the weather.

So, you hold it up to the sky

and it tells you what the
weather is like right now.

- There it is, boom! It is overcast.
- Right.

- Well, then it will tell you what
the weather is going to do later? - Uh...

No, no, because you
wouldn't need to do that,

you can just check with the apps.

So, we have a deal?

- It's...
- Well, I've got lots more, I've got lots more.

I've got AirScissors,
borrow scissors in a foreign country.

There's Share My Plank.

That's Uber for a skateboard.

- Well, it was nice to meet you anyway.
- All right.

- Is it because I'm a man?
- What?

Yeah, well, you know, because
the company I used to work for,

which I don't miss at all, by the
way, they're sort of promoting women.

More women and women

until there was like, women were
getting, like, 30% of the jobs.

- Another time, then.
- Yeah.

God.

Ah, that's more of a pine cone
than a leaf, Jose! 4 out of 10.

Any more of this
and I'm moving premises

cos I tell you now,
Starbucks want me.

They do.

Are you sure I can't tempt you
to a tongue sandwich?

- No, thank you.
- Suit yourself.

I would offer you a Gypsy cream
but Mother ate both of them

and pretended she hadn't realised.

Well, I've got a coffee from Costa
so that'll keep me going.

We did look round Costa. Hmm.

We didn't buy anything,
it was far too expensive.

- But we browsed, didn't we, Mum?
- Hmm. - Hmm.

I was actually born in there,
as a matter of fact.

Not in Costa. It was the maternity
ward but it's closed down now.

Do you remember when you had me, Mum?

Oh.

Oh, she's still a bit
cross with me about that

because things haven't been right in
the downstairs department since then.

- Number 36?
- Oh, that's made me jump.

Ah! We're getting closer.

Not long now.

- Hal, Hal, Hal.
- Huh? - Come and look at this,

Tell me what you see.

- A dog poop.
- A dog poop, yes. But look where we are.

Oh, my! Isn't that where she lives?

It's a little corgi turd.

- You think?
- Look at it, it's beautiful.

Look at the regal peak,
it's almost a crown.

- She didn't pick up,
she doesn't have to. - You're right.

It's enshrined in British law.

By royal arrangement, these corgis,
they can poop wherever they want.

Harrods. Anybody's house.

Choose a subject's house
at random, take them inside

and they would be allowed, by law,
to make a doody on the rug.

It's in the Magna Carta.

They carry no money, they carry no
poop sack, it's the same principle.

- Oh, honey. You trying...?
- Ah!

Oh, my God! Geez, you trod in it.

- Oh, God! No, no, no.
- Get it off!

Yeah, get it off but you've got to

get between the ridges with a stick.

- Oh! That's horrible.
- That stinks. - Oh, that stinks, that's not corgi.

- That's some regular
Joe German Shepherd shit. - Yeah.

They should pick up. Eugh!

And breathe in deeply.
RELAXING MUSIC PLAYS

And out.

And remember to keep
breathing deeply all the way

through your treatment or you'll
be brain-dead within four minutes.

We don't want that, do we?

THEY MOUTH

And think of dolphins.

Yeah, Tatiana.
How's the new intern doing?

What do you mean she's in the
toilet all day? What's she doing?

Is she bulimic?

Oh, I love her.
Let's start paying her!

Oh, cystitis? Eugh! How '90s. Hmm.

Oh, Tatiana, got to go.

Stop the cab,
stop the cab, stop the cab!

Drive! Drive.

Don't look alarmed, I'm from Isis.

But don't worry, I'm not going to
make you a jihadi bride.

- I know Isis.
- We're a modelling agency, hash tag ♪lamlsis. - I know.

- You know, you've heard of us?
- Yes! - Oh.

Why can't they all be like you?
Breathtaking, skeletal and bright.

Did you go to public school?
Oh, I do hope so.

Working-class parents care.

Posh people let their children do
whatever they want. Look at Cara.

I'm with Cyclone. New Faces?

- You're already signed?
- My agent's Giselle O'Hara. - Snotty O'Hara?

So off her tits at McQueen that
she fell into an artificial fire

and exposed her Spanx?
Are you happy with that? - She's lovely.

They said Rose West was lovely.

- Oh, get out.
- Can you stop the cab? - No, no, were on a red route.

- Get out.
- Ah!

Drive, drive!

God, you're not going to
charge me for that stop, I hope!

How dare that woman show her
face in Chipping Norton.

- What woman?
- Rebekah Brooks.

She's back working for
Rupert Murdoch, you know.

You'd think she'd have the decency
to move to Australia or Fallujah.

Well, she was acquitted, Lucinda,
like Amanda Knox or OJ Simpson.

Jessamine!

Jessamine, let it go!

Jessamine, come away!

That's my apple.

- There you are.
- Thank you.

You're getting very pretty,
Jessamine.

Tell your mummy you can be a
page-three girl in a couple of years.

Mummy, the witch says I can be
a page-three girl!

- BIKE BELL RINGS
- Look out!

- SHE GASPS
- There she is. That's her!

ROCK MUSIC PLAYS

♪ Whoa!

♪ I used to be feared by everyone

♪ First female editor of The Sun

♪ But now, no-one calls
or texts or gives a damn

♪ Career was all over
in an Instagram

ALL: ♪ Rebekah!

♪ Rebekah kah-kah-kah

♪ Rebekah!

♪ Kah-kah-kah-kah!

♪ Where were Sam and David Cameron?

♪ First sign of trouble
and, man, they're gone!

♪ I prayed someone
somewhere would care

♪ But the only one that calls me
now is Tony f... g Blair... ♪

MOBILE RINGS
And Jeremy Clarkson. Loser.

♪ You can name me, you can shame me

♪ But legally
I'm sorry, you can't blame me

♪ Watch what you say
I'll be back some day

♪ Stronger, harder, bigger, bolder

♪ Better keep looking
over your shoulder

♪ Whoo! Whoohoo!
DOGS BARK

♪ Whoo! Whoohoo! Whoo! Whoohoo!

♪ You can take away my jet
my husband stud

♪ You can drag my body
through the mud

♪ It's not right, it's not fair

♪ I'm still here
but I want to be there

♪ Back in the game, back on top
I'm the unstoppable you can't stop

♪ Oh, no!

♪ Don't cry for me, Chipping Norton!

♪ I've called on
the forces of mystery

♪ To restore my ass to history

♪ The people want to hang me
from the highest tree

♪ But because I was the boss
it doesn't mean I'm guilty!

♪ Wah, wah, wah, wah

♪ Wah, wah, wah, wow! ♪

ECHO: Wah, wah, wah, wow...

- Climb on, Rebekah.
Rupert Murdoch sent me. - I knew he'd save me again!

♪ You can name me
you can shame me!

♪ But legally
I'm sorry, you can't blame me

♪ Watch what you say
cos I'm back today

♪ Stronger, harder, bigger, bolder

♪ Better keep looking
over your shoulder! ♪

Yeah, it's Rebekah with a K and
I'm back. You can't get rid of me.

Like cockroaches,
herpes and Piers Morgan!

SHE CACKLES

They did actually call our number.

It was ever so exciting,
like winning the lottery.

But then it turned out that we hadn't
filled the form in properly

so we had to take another ticket.

286 this time.

I think that's our lucky number,
right, Mum?

Do you know what I said
when I took it?

I... I don't know.

Two Scotch eggs, please!

Ah! I could murder a Scotch egg.

Couldn't you, Mother?

Oh, I'm ever so peckish.

We finished our sandwiches ages ago.

I'm afraid your doctor's gone home

but I'll be seeing you after
you've had your blood test done.

Oh! Thank you, Doctor.

You're right, Mother.
We're going to miss the last bus.

I should have driven. We do have a
car, but we never use it because...

I got a parking place
right outside the house in 1988

and we haven't wanted to
lose our spot.

- What?
- They'll be disappointed!

SHE LAUGHS
Yes.

This is Mother's little joke.

She always said that
when the terrorists get rewarded

with their 72 virgins,

They'll be terribly disappointed

if I'm one of them.

- Ah, yes.
- Yeah, she's very amusing, Mum. - Number 171?

Oh, good luck.

Don't worry about us, yes.

We're making a day of it,
aren't we, Mum?

Oh, we're having a lovely time
talking to all these nice people.

We might come back tomorrow
just for the fun of it.

Yes.

Oh, yes.

Oh. Look at the small buttons on the
remote, it's such a delicate item.

- So beautiful.
- The same one as in my den.

No, this is half the size.

MOANING ON SCREEN

- Oh, my God! Oh, my God.
- What?

Honey, look.

They have their own porn!
Even the porn is different.

That's right, look.

- He's not circumcised.
- Hal, you're right.

- Not everybody here is.
- Look at the line of it. Oh, it's beautiful.

- It's like an E-Type Drag.
- So British.

MAN ON TELEVISION: 'Schnell! Schnell!

'Ich komme! Ich komme!'

- Oh.
- Oh.

Some things they must buy in.

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