All language subtitles for Tracey Ullmans Show s01e01.eng

♪ When I was small I used to dance
in my mother's bedroom

♪ Then I grew up and did it again

♪ Basically I'm still doing the same
show I did in my mother's bedroom

♪ And I'll do it to the bitter end

♪ Cos it's my Tracey Ullman's Show

♪ Tracey Ullman's Show

♪ Let's do the show, let's go

♪ Tra-acey Ullman's Show

♪ Tracey Ullman, Tracey Ullman

♪ Tracey, Tracey, Tracey, Tracey

♪ Tracey Ullman's Show

♪ Let's go! ♪

Oi!

I saw that. Do you want me
to call the police?

I don't know what you mean.

Oh, it's you, isn't it?

If you mean, is it Dame Judi Dench?
Then, yes, it is.

- How very nice to meet you.
- Sorry about that.

There must be something wrong with
the security camera.

- Yes, well, they can be temperamental.
- I loved you in James Bond.

Oh, we just try to tell a good story.
And thank you.

What was I thinking?

- Dame Judi Dench wouldn't shoplift.
You're a national treasure. - Exactly.

And because I'm a national treasure,
I could get away with anything.

But, of course, I don't.

Oh, what's that over there?

Oh, my mistake.

- Well, it's an honour meeting you.
- Yes, lovely to meet you, too.

You have such a lovely shop here.

SHE CACKLES

- Look, Karen!
- Karen! - Leave it all to me,

How does it feel to be home?

My client is very tired
after her long flight,

but she is willing to answer a few questions.
REPORTER: - Karen, Karen!

You're a free woman after 28 years.

- What is the first thing
you are going to do? - Have a wash.

- I smell like a frigging badger.
- How does it make you feel that...?

- What's that? - A croissant.
- A what? - Croissant. - A what? - Croissant.

- A what?
- Doesn't matter.

You have had great support here
over the past three decades.

How does it make you feel
when you look at that picture?

It were a dead good holiday, that,
till we got done for the drugs.

Me and me best mate,
we got a job in a bar in Koh Tao

and we were putting cocaine
in packets of pot noodles.

Chicken chow mein and Charlie.

- Your friend Sharon wasn't
quite as lucky as you, was she? - No.

She got executed by a firing squad,
but that is the risk you take, innit?

Hey, Sharon's mum!

What's that?

- That's a flat white.
- A flat what?

- Flat white.
- Flat what? - Anyway...

It's time my client
finally went home.

Her mother has waited a long time
to get her daughter back.

Yeah, I've got 28 years of Corrie
to catch up on.

- Is Ken Barlow still in it?
REPORTERS: - Yeah.

OK, thank you.

Sorry, we just wondered
if you had...

SIRENS

This way, Mrs Merkel.

We are the most important,
powerful people in the world

and we have to meet in Cardiff!

- It is perverse.
- It is a joke, no?

It is this British irony that they
are so proud of,

that they
think nobody else understands.

We understand. It is not so clever.

- Yes. It just means actually not funny.
- Exactly.

Make the O shape with your lips.

No, like this... O. O.

George Osborne is coming today.

- Oh!
- Perfect.

What are you putting on there,
Birgit?

- Flesh colour, natural-ish,
but a nice warm flesh. - Not too warm?

Nein, mein Chancellorette.

Oh, and careful, Birgit, or we will
get the puffiness with the hair

and then it's all sex bomb,
sex bomb and nobody can concentrate

and the whole meeting
is nutzlos.

Now, what are we wearing for
the summit? How about this one?

Oh, nein.

That one pushed
down on my bust in Davos

and George Soros was
panting over me.

And then Berlusconi, he had to
go to the bathroom for a long time.

His hair dye was running,
running down his cheeks.

This one?

I'm not sitting in a window
in Amsterdam!

Then let's go with the old faithful.

What is this smell?

Obama.

With a hint of David Cameron's
Penhaligon Cologne. He's a hugger.

Oh, Birgit.

Do you remember when we went to that
dinner at Windsor Castle

with that carpet with the terrible
pattern that gave us all a headache?

And the British toilets with
the incompetent flush?

I like to speak to
the Queen in German.

She pretends not to understand me.

Until you insult her children,

then she hears every word.

THEY LAUGH

Every word, Birgit!
THEY LAUGH

Where's Dad?

He's dead.

Non-Hodgkin's lymphoma, 1996.

Oh...

SHE HAWKS

Maggie's died, an' all.

What, her up the road?

No, Thatcher.

Oh...

Oh, I kept your bedroom as it
was for when you came back.

Well, why didn't you say so before?!

Bloody hell!

I didn't touch a thing.

It's all me old photos.

Oh, look, there's me
and Barry outside the Wimpy.

I've still got that mix tape
that he made for me.

He had lovely hair, then,
like Shakin' Stevens.

Does he still
live on Copperfield Street?

Well, he does,
but a lot of time has passed, Karen.

I mean, he has got grown-up kids.
He's about to become a grandad.

I've thought about him
a lot over the years.

I'm sorry, Karen.

I know it's hard.

I'd love to see him again.

Just once.

I'll take you there this afternoon.

SOOTHING MUSIC
This is a bit of aromatherapy.

It's jasmine which is
both helpful and beneficial...

I'm just going to pop it over here.

Now, if something smells a bit burny,
that the dusky notes.

Very dusky and very woody.

I'm just going to pop the music
up to really soothe you.

WHISPERED: Hello?
Fire Brigade, please.

Yes. Can they pop over as soon
as they can?

Now, you may notice it's
a bit hot in the room.

That's to relax you
and to soothe you.

CLIENT COUGHS

Yes, it's natural to cough,
you are just letting the toxins out.

CLIENT COUGHS

Well, Barbara, I have to say
that this is a hugely impressive CV.

Thank you.

We've seen a lot of candidates
over the last few months

and this is amongst the most impressive.
- Thanks.

Project management is
really my specialist area.

I think you can see from my CV
that I really do have

a lot of experience with
team leadership.

There was just one thing on it,
and I know that Peter

and Fiona are curious
about it as well.

As we were preparing
for the interview,

we googled your name and it comes up
quite a few times, actually,

that you have been convicted
of crimes against humanity.

What's that about?

Well, I decided to leave
that off the CV

because I think it's always best
to be honest with people.

Honest?

Well, in the sense that it's
something that happened in the past

and it isn't really relevant any more

and I would really rather
focus on the last two years.

- So, what are the details?
- Of the... What, the crimes against humanity?

Yes.

Well, I was convicted about two years
ago in The Hague

of crimes against humanity in my
absence and that's about it, really.

- Was this a genocide, or something?
- It was a genocide, yes.

So how many people would have died?

Well, the UN reckons about 15,000,

but I think it was more like
20, maybe 30.

- And what was your role in this?
- Largely organisational.

I was responsible for the transport
and general administrative stuff.

A lot of burials obviously
had to be undertaken

and if you look at it purely in those
terms, I was very successful.

Did you try and stop the genocide
at any stage?

I did try to stop it at one stage,
but ultimately,

it was just easier to
go along with it.

Yes, I'm just looking up
crimes against humanity here

and it defines it as murder,
massacres, extermination,

human experimentation, kidnappings,
unjust imprisonment,

slavery and cannibalism.

Guilty as charged!

- And the sentence for crimes against
humanity was in your absence? - Yes.

I wasn't in court and again, to be
completely honest, it was 25 years.

- And you're on the run now, are you?
- Yes.

OK...

I think we are all agreed,

that won't...

...be a problem.

It's still a hugely impressive CV.

Yes, it's definitely
the best we've seen.

Yes, I think we are all
in agreement.

So, welcome to the bank.

Thank you.

Karen?

I've made you a chip butty.

Karen?

Karen?

SNORING

Aw...

Yea-aargh!

SPEAKS COD THAI

Karen!

Aargh!

Mum, I'm sorry, I thought
you were trying to steal my shampoo.

You shouldn't wake me up like that,

I could have snapped your neck.
Bam, like a chopstick.

- It wouldn't be the first time.
- Oh... oh...

This is Dame Maggie Smith's
audition show reel.

I wish to move into science-fiction
blockbusters.

If Harrison Ford can crank them
out at his age

then there's hope for us all.

Ooh, there's a Xenomorph on the
spaceship and it has acid for blood!

Though if it dissolves your face,

I hardly think we'd notice
the difference, dear.

This is for Star Trek.

I believe there is a special name
for Star Trek fans.

Idiots.

Mr Scott, the Enterprise needs power

and she needs it now,
or there will be words.

And finally, Star Wars.

The force is an energy which
surrounds us and binds us.

It's like good underwear, darling.

There.

Well, I look forward to
seeing my action figure.

Right, so I'll see you on Monday.

Phone me when the anteater does a poo

and I want it bagged and weighed,
all right?

Now, the lamb is a bit depressed
so I don't want you bringing it down.

- It doesn't want to
hear about your problems... - Hayley!

Just a word before you go.

Now, we love your work here and
I'm sure the animals appreciate you.

They say I'm the best
by a considerable margin.

Well, I'm just a bit worried
about the time you are spending

on some of the animals.

Perhaps not all of the ants need
to be given names,

or funerals when they die.

Well, Mr Antastic was a really
important member

of the arthropod community.

Yes, and so was Ant Boleyn and
Anty Jemima and Presid-Ant Lincoln.

Thank you for the e-mails, sorry
I couldn't attend each service.

Yeah, I know you're busy.

- Could you open the bag, please?
- There's nothing in the bag. - Open it.

- You're not the boss of me.
- Yes, I am. - Oh, yeah...

Oh, you can't take the penguins
home for the weekend, Hayley.

But he loves to watch
Britain's Got Talent!

Choirs and street dance
is what he's into.

Take him back to the penguin area.

But I've got Ocado coming
in the morning with 600 herring

and I can't eat all that!

Well, we'll just have to watch it
on my phone on Monday.

I know it's not much fun

when you can't join in with
the tweets in real time.

You know, "What's Amanda Holden
wearing? ♪NotEnough."

A shock result from the South
Brierley by-election last night

as controversial feminist candidate
Sally Preston

won a landslide victory.

The independent MP for South
Brierley is being widely credited

with generating a remarkable new
interest in British politics.

BIG BEN CHIMES

Busy today. Must be a close vote.

Yeah, that'll be it, all very
excited to represent the electorate

to the fullest possible.

- Mm-hm.
- Morning. - Morning, Sally.

MALE MPS: - Morning, Sally.
- Great speech yesterday, Sally.

- Did you see the viewing figures?
- No. - Highest ever for BBC Parliament.

Ten times the average.

Seems you've got people
really fired up about your...

er... stuff.

Well, that's great because the more
exposure I get for my exposure,

the sooner we will all cease to be
so dismissively sexualised.

Oh, sorry, I didn't know it was on.
My wife is a big fan.

SHE SCOFFS
Hi, Claire Hollis. Greenwich.

- Can I just grab a quick word?
- Yes. Yes. Of course.

Listen, I know we're on
different sides of the chamber,

but can I just say something,
woman to woman? - Yes, of course.

It's just that... How do I put this?

We both know it's a very important
bill today and it just feels like...

they're taking focus
away from the issue.

Well, they ARE the issue.

Yes, but that's the issue,
they shouldn't be the issue.

I've been an MP for seven years
and let me tell you,

if you want people to vote your way,

they have to pay attention to what
you say rather than what they see.

Yeah, but this was a promise
I made to my electorate.

These are my mandate.

Yeah, I know, but you have to
establish yourself first.

Trust me, in this place, you do not
want to run before you can walk.

And you know the first thing
you need

before you go running, don't you?

- What?
- A good bra.

THEY LAUGH

Which is why I believe that these
reduced subsidies

are tantamount to stealth taxation
on poor women everywhere.

Well, I utterly disagree.

CHEERING

- The Honourable Member...
- Bitch! - ..doesn't seem to grasp the first...

I know it's early days, Karen,

but what are your plans,
now you're back?

Well, I'll get me old job
back in Woolies, I loved it there.

Woolworths has gone.
They've all closed down.

I'll work in Our Price, then.

It's all gone.

- Blockbusters.
- Gone.

- Virgin Megastore?
- Gone.

- Where do people get their music?
- ITunes. - What?

- iTunes.
- What? - iTunes.

Hey, where's Bejam's?

Gone.

Rumbelows?

Gone.

- Dolcis?
- All gone.

Don't worry, Karen.

Currys is still here.

- Oh, good.
- But it's merged with PC World.

- PC what?
- World. - PC what?

World.

Oh, here we are. Come on.

- That's the one.
- I've got butterflies, Mam.

Oh, I'm sure he'll be pleased
to see you.

You haven't changed a bit.

- Karen?
- Hiya, Barry. Long time no see.

Bloody hell,
I've not seen you since...

You got me that job in Koh Tao.

Yeah.

- About that...
- I've got a present for you, Barry.

Yeah, that were a bad idea of mine.

SPEAKS COD THAI
You what, love?

That is Thai for
"You fucking bastard!"

HE GRUNTS AND GROANS

Just get off me, Karen!

No, not the eyes,
I've just had laser surgery!

- You what?
- Laser surgery! - You what?

Oof! Laser surgery!

I don't know what that is and
you know what? I don't fucking care!

Oh!

Aargh!

HE GRUNTS

Yeah, thanks for dropping by,
Karen(!)

SHE DOES VOCAL EXERCISES

I bet you get this on every
movie you do, Judi,

but it's such an honour
working with you.

Oh, I'm just playing pretend.

Actually, the main reason
I decided to do this was

so I could work with you.

And it's DAME Judi, by the way.

Can I just check your make-up,
Mr Grint?

- What's this?
- It was awful!

Somebody came over and did such
terrible damage to your tablet!

- Well, who was it?
- An extra, I think.

I wanted to shout, but I couldn't.

- I was quite afraid.
- Unbelievable.

You know, the same thing happened
to Rickman and Cumberbatch.

Yes, that was very unfortunate.

Both on days
they were working with you...

Well, I'm sure you're not suggesting
it could have been me.

I'm a national treasure,

I would hardly break all your devices

just for the thrill of getting
away with it!

HE CHUCKLES

No. No, of course not. Sorry.

- It was an unfortunate accident.
- Yeah. It's backed up.

My laptop was in my trailer,
that's got my whole life on it.

- So as long as no-one sets that on fire...!
- Oh, God forbid!

The plume of smoke would be
seen for miles around.

Will you tell the director
I'll be right back?

- A drink, mein Chancellorette?
- Ja, a large one!

- All of it?
- Ja, ja.

- Bad day?
- Oh, ja.

The bra is coming off, Birgit.

- Ooh, I've been wanting to do that all day.
- You should have done.

And drive them all crazy with lust?

You could have put it on your head
and covered your ears

so you couldn't hear what they were saying.
- Good idea!

- Mm! Another one.
- Phew! You should be blotto.

This is Britain at its very best,
Birgit - from a very long way away.

You know, this Nicola Sturgeon
was there today,

from the Scottish Nationalist Party.

Grrr!
I am hopping, hopping with rage.

- Was she in the suit in
the hot beige? - Ja.

She's definitely usurping my style.
The suits, the hair...

She wants to be chic
and glamorous, like you.

- She is threatened by my sexiness, no?
- Ja. You are ein total hottie-Frau.

Oh, shush, Birgit.

It's true, Angela.
You are a sex kitten.

- You are like a white Beyonce.
- Is this what they are saying, Birgit?

Or a sturdy German Pussycat Doll.

Now, mein Chancellorette,
tomorrow in Berlin...

I'm going to have to
think about the Sturgeon woman.

She is obsessed with referendums.

There's nothing else to do
in Scotland but have referendums.

Ja, it is dark and cold and
they probably do it to keep warm, ja?

But why does she have to do it

looking like an Angela Merkel
singing tribute lady, huh?

- I'm going to call her.
- Nein, mein Chancellorette.

This is the vodka talking.
No, no... Angela!

ANGELA MUTTERS

Oh, it is answerphone. Oh,
what a silly little Scottish voice.

Like a clicking...

She doesn't have your honey-coloured
tones, mein Chancellorette.

- But if you just give me the phone...
- Nicola! Guten Tag.

Delightful to see you today
in such a striking outfit,

very much like my own.

Stop copying me,
you horrible little girl!

Everybody knows what you are doing,
so just stop it!

Stop it! Stop it!

Ha! Right.

SHE CHUCKLES

It's good that I said that to her.

Ja.

Ja, it will clear the air.

- Ja.
- Ja.

Birgit?

Do our intelligence services
have a way

of removing an answerphone
message once it is made?

Nein.

SHE SIGHS

Scheisse.

WHISPERED:
We should wake Howard up. It's time to close.

WHISPERED: He smells
disgusting today.

(Eau de Howard. I'll even miss that.

(Let me stamp the last book.

(Here... Why are we still whispering?

(What?)

- Well, there's no need for it any more. Is there?
- You're right.

What are you doing?

Well, I've worn these rubber-soled
shoes all of these years to be quiet

and I'm going to my tap class tonight

and I've always wanted to do this.

CLACK

Tidy, tamping, lush

Let it out

What a rush

No reason, prayer or bribery

Could save our poor old library!

♪ Hear us scream and hear us shout
- Aargh!

♪ Stamp us in and stamp us out

♪ Our arses sacked, no ifs or buts

♪ By a bunch of Tory cuts!

♪ VHS, the old format

♪ Don't need any more of that

♪ No more Bergerac,
The Darling Buds Of May

♪ In 20 years,
no-one will watch you anyway!

♪ Large print fiction,
throw it all away!

♪ But I'll take that

♪ 50 Shades Of Grey!

♪ No more shush or quiet, please

♪ End of the line for the libraries

♪ New world's got a digital look

♪ Kindle killed the library book... ♪

MUSIC CONTINUES

♪ No place to rest

♪ On a rainy day

♪ Or hide from bullies

♪ If you're clever or you're gay

♪ No more room for the elderly

♪ To read the news for free

♪ New world's got a digital look

♪ Kindle killed the library book!

♪ New world's got a digital look

♪ Cos Kindle, Amazon, Xbox

♪ iPlayer, YouTube, Twitter

♪ And in many ways porn

♪ Killed the library book! ♪

HE SINGS IN WELSH

♪ Oh, Howard, babes

♪ We will miss your sweet bouquet

♪ Shakespeare, Shelley
and Stephen King

♪ Travel section or handcrafts
- Or handcrafts

♪ Medical emergencies and sexual...
Sex, sex, sex

♪ Politics and nursery rhymes

♪ Hold on to your libraries

♪ Before some horrible twat
- Twattey, twat-twat

♪ Buys them all and converts them
into luxury flats

♪ Luxury flats! ♪

SHOUTS IN COD THAI

It's all right, Karen.
Your shampoo's safe.

You're with your mum, now.

Mummy...

Yes. Yes.

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