Original subtitles

This is dj suckaslam spinnin' an old school tonight,

inviting all of New York to forget your y2k worries,

turn up your radio

and help good old Chuck brown "bust loose."

And help good old Chuck brown "bust loose."

Oh, yeah! Bust it up, New York!

♪ I feel like bustin' loose bustin' loose ♪

♪ Bustin' loose in the evenin' bustin' loose can be pleasin' ♪

♪ Talkin' about bustin' loose ♪

♪ Bustin' loose in the meantime ♪

♪ Bustin' loose make you feel fine ♪

♪ Talkin' about bustin' loose ♪

♪ Bustin' loose to my love Jones ♪

♪ Bustin' loose to my love Jones ♪

♪ Bustin' loose to each his own ♪

♪ Gimme the bridge, y'all ♪

♪ Hey, Leroy ♪

♪ Gimme some of that horn right here ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Give me some of that horn ♪

♪ Wah, wah, wow! ♪

Taxi!

Oooh. Oh!

♪ I feel like bustin' loose bustin' loose, y'all ♪

Can I give you a ride?

The way you drive?

♪ I feel like bustin' loose bustin' loose, now ♪

♪ Bustin' loose when you want to deal ♪

♪ Bustin' loose doin' what you feel ♪

♪ Talkin' about bustin' loose, girl ♪

♪ Bustin' loose when you want to deal ♪

♪ Bustin' loose doin' what you feel ♪

♪ Talkin' about bustin' loose, now ♪

♪ Bustin' loose when you want to sing ♪

♪ Bustin' loose when you want to sing ♪

♪ Bustin' loose baby, do your thing ♪

♪ Talkin' about bustin' loose, girl ♪

♪ Bustin' loose when you want to sing ♪

♪ Bustin' loose baby, do your thing ♪

♪ Gimme the bridge, y'all ♪

So how you doing?

Wow, you sure got a lot of confidence.

Ralph.

Ralph kramden.

Ralph kramden.

Operator of this machine and, uh...

This machine.

Alice.

Alice Gibson.

What's up, Alice Gibson?

So, Ralph kramden,

are you taking me to Brooklyn, or what?

I'll take you anywhere you wanna go.

Crown heights. Red hook. Bushwick.

I'll take you to the moon, Alice. Come on.

♪ Ooh, yeah ♪

♪ Ooh, yeah ♪

I hope you're not going to lose your job over this.

So what if I do?

I mean, this right here,

this whole bus-driver thing?

This is temporary.

I'm an entrepreneur.

And, uh, this is going to make me a millionaire.

"Kramden international y2k ultra deluxe survival kit"?

Yeah.

And when y2k hit,

you gonna need all that stuff in there.

You think y2k is gonna be that bad?

You ain't been watching CNN?

I mean, when every computer in the world

shuts down on new year's Eve,

that kit, plus a check or money order

that kit, plus a check or money order

for $29.99, plus shipping and handling,

is the only thing that is going to protect you

against total chaos.

Wow. Total chaos?

Yeah, I mean, you know, if I'm lucky.

I guess my dream's a little bit more practical.

Oh, yeah?

Like what?

My own home.

Nothing fancy,

just a little place all my own.

You know?

No landlord

or haggling with the super to fix the pipes

or rent increases.

Just my name on a deed

just my name on a deed

and, well, some lawn chairs on the front porch

so I can watch my kids play ball in the street.

You got kids?

I'm playing.

Can't you feel it, Alice?

We're on the verge of a new millennium.

You need to stick with your boy,

because I'm about to blow up!

I mean, you'll see, this job,

these empty pockets, this waistline, gone!

Yeah.

One day...

One day...

I'm gonna own this town!

Is that what you think?

I own this town?

I just asked you to talk to the super

about the pipes, Ralph.

That's all.

Today?

The mets are in the seventh game

of the world series,

and you know this, Alice,

and you want me to think about plumbing?

Okay, so it make a little noise, but so do you,

and I've learned to live with that.

Ralph.

Fine. But I'm not dragging the super into this.

Fine. But I'm not dragging the super into this.

I'm calling my boy Norton.

He works in the sewers.

He knows pipes.

Yo, Norton!

What's up with the mets?

Today's the day, baby!

Yeah, I'm ready.

Oh.

Oh, my god!

What did you do to my baby?

I didn't do anything!

Never mind them, ralphie.

I got a new riddle for you.

A man was born in 1955, what--?

Not now!

Alice wants you to get down here

and take a look at these pipes.

And take a look at these pipes.

She's driving me crazy.

All right.

Don't come down that--

That thing is gonna kill you.

He's coming down the fire escape.

Hey, Alice.

Hey, ed.

Come on, Ralph.

A man was born in 1955.

Today is his 18th birthday.

How's that possible, huh?

1955 is not the year he was born.

It's the number

of the hospital room he was born in.

Damn, you smart.

Damn, you smart.

What seems to be the problem, Alice?

Listen, ed.

I'm on it.

He's on it.

Yeah, why does he gotta be on it?

What happened to you?

Knock, knock.

Morning, kramdens.

Oh, hey, trix.

What you got there, trixie?

I made French toast.

Alice, I tried this new powdered sugar,

tastymeds. It's the one they give to the diabetics

right when they wake up from the coma.

Ninety-nine cents.

There's a slight little aftertaste,

there's a slight little aftertaste,

but it's still good,

right, Ralph? Mm. See?

Trixie makes ed French toast.

That's cause Ed's not on trimspa.

Oh, you got jokes.

You just a regular upn sitcom, huh, Alice?

I gotta get to these pipes.

Look, just fix it, okay?

It'd be good to have some peace and quiet

around here.

Yo!

Oh, my god! Yo!

Oh, my god!

Ed, what'd you do now?

They wanted me to fix their pipes.

Yeah, not knock a big hole in the wall!

That's where the pipes are, Ralph.

If you'd just talked to the landlord

like I asked you to in the first place...

Like I asked you to in the first place...

That's a much better idea,

'cause I do my best work down below.

Ooh, now that is true, baby.

You did say that.

I mean, I'm a professional.

People always call me

and want me to work on their plumbing all...

Get out!

It's all right. It's okay.

Ah, ah, ah, ah...

Take the wife, leave the French toast.

Oh, man.

See you at the diner, Alice.

Later, trix.

Hey, Ralph,

after work we gonna watch that game-- out!

Go, mets.

You are certifiable, you know that?

You are certifiable, you know that?

You ought to have your head examined.

I'll have my head examined anywhere in the United States.

And you know what they're gonna find

when they look in there?

Nothing!

I asked you to do one thing. One thing!

You never appreciate anything. You go on and on.

I can't take it anymore!

You gotta go. I am late.

Here's your lunch.

Hey, tasty cakes.

Yeah. Be careful.

Always am.

Stay out of the bus Lane!

Hey!

Vivek, my man!

The mets are going all the way, Ralph.

You'll do very well.

Oh, yeah. You know that.

Do you have a wager on the game tonight, Ralph?

Well, no, not exactly.

Let's just say I'm taking advantage

of certain economic opportunities.

Or, as my investment guru...

Bart Roberts, says,

"kick open the door

and opportunity don't have to knock."

Heh, heh. Yeah, Bart Roberts.

Heh, heh. Yeah, Bart Roberts.

Order up!

Girls, come over here.

Come over here.

I have something to show you.

This is your new uniform.

Oh, no. No.

You don't like it? Mm-mm.

But I like the neckline, the v--

The health inspector is coming soon.

We got to keep everything clean.

Now, I'm gonna show you something.

You see this?

Ah.

And then...

And then...

See? Spotless.

Voilà.

Yes.

Excuse me!

I'd... I'd like to order.

Alice, please take him,

because I can tell

he's gonna get on my nerves.

Hi. How can I help you today?

Yes, uh... Alice.

I would like an egg-white omelet,

and if I could get a clean glass of water.

Well, precious, we don't separate our eggs here,

and that's about as clean as it's gonna get.

Well, what do you have

that's similar to an egg-white omelet?

That's similar to an egg-white omelet?

Eggs.

Well, then by all means,

why don't you just bring me whatever's convenient for you.

Ah, do I need to take off my heels?

No, no, not yet.

I've angered you.

I'm sorry.

It happens a lot.

Alice, hello.

Oh, hi, miss benvenuti. How are you?

I'm fine. Hi, trixie.

Miss benvenuti, what a pleasure.

Please.

If you just buy my house,

that will be pleasure enough.

Miss benvenuti, you're selling

that cute little duplex over on hart street?

Yes. I can't take the winters anymore.

Yes. I can't take the winters anymore.

Mr. Davis here and his company

are thinking of buying my house.

Yes, we are.

So if you girls could just go

and cook something. Ignoring you.

Yeah, I wish we would've known,

because we've been looking to buy a duplex for years.

Well, I'm sorry,

but my company's already buying this one.

We're not a company or anything,

but we would like a nice place

to move into with our husbands,

have a few little babies.

A little trixie.

Everything's so expensive nowadays.

Yes, it is. Wishing you hadn't dropped out of high school?

Yes, it is. Wishing you hadn't dropped out of high school?

Still ignoring you.

So, miss benvenuti,

how much are you asking for the duplex?

Alice?

Cool.

Yo, Norton!

Yeah? Let's go, mets!

Bottom of the ninth inning...

Bottom of the ninth inning...

This is killing me right here.

I'm telling you, Ralph,

the mets is gonna do their thing.

But Cameron can't strike out this time, man.

I mean, what is he doing?

Yeah, right! I know!

And the guy hits good.

Ed, the most amazing thing

happened today. You have to listen--

We don't bother you

when you're watching your stories.

Now, let us watch the game.

No, but we've got great news, though.

Not now, baby. This is the last inning.

You have money on this game?

No.

I'm a businessman, okay, not a gambler.

Come on, mets.

Okay, wait. You remember miss benvenuti?

Okay, wait. You remember miss benvenuti?

Well, she's selling her duplex.

Mm-hm. It's a huge duplex,

and all we have to do is come up with $20,000

for the down payment.

But she's only giving us two weeks.

Two-one pitch.

Cameron grounds out.

Swing the bat! Would you guys listen?

Just listen.

Yeah, between the four of us,

we already have half of it.

They've got $5000 saved, and we got $5300, right?

Oh, yeah, something like that, give or take.

He's got a full count, man. Ah!

What are they trying to do, kill me?

Wait, wait, wait.

What do you mean, give or take? Ralph...

You didn't take any money

out of our savings account, did you?

Don't know what she's talking about. You know.

Don't know what she's talking about. You know.

Look, look, maybe I went into our account,

and maybe I took some money.

But then again,

maybe someone has a birthday coming up,

and I'm just trying to surprise her.

My birthday's in eight months, Ralph.

Okay, maybe I got the dates mixed up.

She know who the boss is.

I know who the boss, baby.

Here they go. Here they go, man.

Make me some money, baby!

Get this hit right here. It's for the marbles!

Three-two-pitch. Cameron swings...

Oh! And sends it deep to left!

Oh, he got hold of it! It's going deep!

Oh, he got hold of it! It's going deep!

It's outta here!

Yeah!

Yeah, mets!

That's what I thought!

Hey! Baby!

Whoo!

Oh! My baby!

Is he okay?

We don't have no insurance.

Norton, get up! The mets! Mets!

What did I tell you?

What did I tell you?

Go, mets!

What did I tell you?

I'm gonna show you what's in these boxes.

You wanna see? I wanna see it.

There's money in these boxes, baby.

Money, money, money.

Money for anything you want.

Money for the house.

Money for anything.

Money for anything.

You gotta be fast on your feet

to make it in this world.

You know what I'm saying?

When I'm the first one to hit the streets with this,

I'm gonna make a fortune.

What stuff, ed?

Mets stuff.

Official merchandise.

Ralph met a guy on the bus who gave him a godfather deal.

Yeah, that's right. Godfather deal.

Yo. Boom!

Never seen a met fan wearing one of those.

No, that's a throwback.

It's gotta be in the other box.

This one's the wrong one.

We don't play.

We don't play.

It's this box right here.

There you go.

They just made a mistake. Yeah.

It's all good.

Get ready, ladies.

- Yeah. That's is it. - Cashola.

This is it.

Here we go.

There it is. Boom!

What the...?

Ralph, why?

You had to know better.

This would've been big money, baby.

I mean...

I was investing in your future.

Really?

Like the time you invested $900

like the time you invested $900

to market the, uh...?

Oh! The pet cactus?

Hey.

A couple kids get poked in the eye

and get cornea colitis

and ruin it for everybody? Yeah.

That's not my fault.

Oh, my personal favorite,

the velour Fanny pack.

That's a man-purse.

And I was this close to getting al roker to wear one

on the today show, wasn't I?

- He sure was. - He was this close.

I was with him the day-- You're not helping.

Listen, Alice,

we'll get the money for the house somehow.

No, we won't.

No, we won't.

It's always going to be like this, trix.

Living paycheck to paycheck,

hand-to-mouth,

never having anything to call our own.

But, no, you know what? Hey, it's cool, right?

'Cause most people in the world live like this, right?

I just didn't think it'd be so hard.

Alice. Alice, come on.

I know from the outside looking in,

it seems as though I have a perfect relationship,

it seems as though I have a perfect relationship,

but the truth of the matter

is that Alice and I don't always get along.

Wow, I never noticed that!

Ooh!

Look, man, she's mad, but she'll get over it.

She wasn't mad.

Mad, you do get over.

Mad, I can handle.

I know how to deal with mad.

But the look she had on her face,

it was like...

She was disappointed in me.

Like she didn't believe in me anymore.

And I don't know, if that's the case,

then how do you come back from that?

Show her that you're sorry. Buy her ass something.

Show her that you're sorry. Buy her ass something.

With what? I'm broke!

Look, check this out.

I know a dude right now selling Cadillac wheels.

I'm talking about the spinners. The gold ones.

We ain't got no damn car.

I also know a dude that sell earrings--

Norton.

Look...

It's getting crazy out here.

Okay, come on,

let's go shoot some pool.

That's why I never like to brainstorm around you.

You're very critical.

Whoa. Wait, now.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Why do you get to break?

I'll tell you why I get to break.

I'll tell you why I get to break.

Because you broke last time.

Oh, no, no. You broke last time.

Know what? Fine. We'll flip for it.

Here. You call.

I wanna flip.

Okay, flip.

Okay, I'm gonna flip it.

Flip it.

Heads.

No, I wanted heads.

Well, tails then.

I wanted tails too.

I got a big appetite for tails too.

Just break!

All right, I'm gonna do it.

You are the most ridiculous man I've ever met.

Maybe so, but I'm breaking.

♪ Talkin' sexy... ♪

♪ Talkin' sexy... ♪

♪ Oh... ♪

♪ You know I hit it right tonight ♪

♪ beat them off like a Tyson fight ♪

♪ all that go nice ♪

♪ draws on like a headset manolos ♪

♪ lookin' just right you damn right ♪

♪ oh, yeah let me take you out the door ♪

♪ whisper truth in your ear ♪

♪ tell you all them naughty things ♪

♪ you been dyin' to hear waitin' in the back ♪

♪ while you tuck in your hair ♪

♪ we can take it from the dance floor ♪

♪ we can take it from the dance floor ♪

♪ onto a chair, come on ♪

♪ top on the broad day lettin' 'em stare ♪

♪ that's the cd gettin' you off ♪

♪ bring you back to the crib ♪

Would you just shoot!

♪ Fire don't you know ♪

♪ I'm on fire ♪

That's on you, Ralph.

Oh, no, you don't, Norton.

Hey.

Oh, it's on, baby.

Ralphie! Norton!

Where's my other hand?

I can't find my other hand!

It's right there. It's there.

It's right there. It's there.

No, no. I'm gonna go back in there.

Don't hold me back. Don't hold me back.

How you gonna throw kramden out?

Ralph. I'm gonna go back.

What are you doing?

I was about to go back in there.

What's wrong with you? No time to play.

We got a major backup in the sewer system.

How come every time a toilet clogs up in this town

they call you? I'm a specialist.

It's like being a brain surgeon or spider-man.

Spider-man. Spider-man wouldn't have got us beat down

and thrown out of no pool hall!

Come in, trix.

Come in, trix.

♪ Everybody want something ♪

♪ and they don't earn it ♪

♪ everybody wanna get money ♪

What do you have on?

Don't act like you don't recognize my Ralph gear.

I got my loud-ass lime-green t-shirt

that should've made us millionaires,

my 1987 leopard-print Fanny pack,

complete inside with a baby pet cactus

in case a brother wanna get rowdy on the train,

'cause you know how they can act up.

And to top it off...

The rainbrella kangol.

And you know I'll wear it 24-7

'cause rain ain't got no schedule.

It's kinda sexy.

Come on, Alice,

you gotta admit, your man is tryin'.

Yeah. Yeah.

This is what I do, huh?

Right, hey!

Hey! Hey! Hey, yeah!

Yeah, baby, man!

Come on, Ralph.

I know I smell a little stinky,

but come on and give your man some love.

I'm-- I'm cool on the love.

Thank you.

Can we go?

It's this way.

It's this way.

Come on, Ralph, I got something to show you.

This the scenic route.

We're lost, aren't we?

Ralph, if you lay it out end to end,

the New York City sewer system

will stretch about 6600 miles.

A city beneath the city.

And I got it all right here.

It's just around here, Ralph.

Check this out.

It's gonna be worth it.

Whoa.

City beneath the city.

Whoo, damn!

Mahogany paneling, velvet curtains.

This is bad.

What did I tell you?

We find these down here from time to time.

Owned by some rich white dude

before flying got popular, Ralph.

Before flying got popular, Ralph.

Solid brass.

Imagine that.

Rich enough to own your own train.

Well, someone's going to.

The city's auctioning it off.

I don't know what for, though.

Who would want to own their own train car?

Norton!

What is it, Ralph?

This is it.

What's it?

We buy the train.

We put an engine on it.

Slap some wheels on it. Maybe a new paint job.

Slap some wheels on it. Maybe a new paint job.

I can get Alice to decorate.

And we'll give tours of New York City.

"I'm Ralph kramden,

and welcome to New York and all the five boroughs."

You know what, Ralph?

Those tours make a lot of money too, man.

This is why you need me to do the thinking. Yeah.

Because sometimes you gotta take the long view.

Yeah.

Okay. So we won't be able to get the girls

some little duplex now.

All right.

But soon...

Yeah?

We can buy 'em a palace.

Awwww...

Kapow!

Kapow!

Yeah, man, this is it!

Oh, yeah.

This is the place where it's gonna go down.

Hey, I got another riddle for you, Ralph.

Norton, not now, okay? I'm assessing the room.

Look, look.

Twelve o'clock right there.

It's a fellow entrepreneur.

I know one when I see him.

He's looking at our train.

We don't have the cash to get into a bidding war.

We really don't.

According to my investment guru, Bart Roberts,

according to my investment guru, Bart Roberts,

"if you know you can't compete,

you may have to practice deceit."

Now, that there is a very fine train.

Ralph kramden.

Hitako kawakami.

Hmm.

Well, thank you, Mr...

Well, thank you, Mr...

"Hikato kamakwami."

Here we go.

This is me right here.

"Ralph kramden... International"?

Well, for now.

But we are expanding to a more global approach.

Man, they must have dug in the archives

for this old picture.

What do you mean?

This doesn't look anything like the train they're selling.

No.

You've seen it?

Have I seen--?

Have I seen--?

Of course I've seen it.

It's right out the door.

Come with me,

and I'll show you the train.

Sold! 230.

Lucky lady in the back. Next up.

It's back and to the left.

An off-site item,

a Pullman train car.

Train car?

We'll start the bidding at $1000.

One thousand dollars.

I want to bid!

Do I hear 2?

Two thousand!

Ralph!

Two thousand.

Two thousand.

Two thousand from the guy over by the door.

Norton, stop! Do I hear 2500?

Twenty-five hundred. It's finally going

in the right direction. No, no.

Three thousand dollars!

Three thousand. Get him out!

Thirty-five hundred! No--

Thirty-five hundred going once...

Over here! I'm bidding over here.

Once, twice, three times! The train is mine!

Sold!

Thank you.

Aah!

I wish you would. I'm a purple belt.

♪ America, America ♪

You're so good, trix.

Why didn't you ever become a singer?

I know I should've, but I have acid reflux.

Ooh. You know that.

Uh-oh. It's the competition.

Hi, Alice. Hi, Alice's friend.

My name is trixie, and I don't like you.

Oh, stop, please.

We got off to a bad start.

I'd like to make amends.

It's about time somebody does.

You want to live in the benvenuti place

and I want to own it.

We can all get what we want.

Should I cut him?

Let's go.

Let's go.

No, listen. I'm developing 15 affordable units

on that property.

I'll save a big fat sunny corner unit for each of you.

I'm a fun landlord.

15 units on that little lot?

That doesn't make a lot of sense.

I'm developing the whole block.

But I need her property to close the deal.

I think he's crazy, Alice. Look at him.

Forget it.

We don't do crazy.

Mm-hmm.

How's it looking, Lenny?

It's not bad.

It's not bad.

I have four or five old engines

back at the bus yard.

Drive shaft.

Wheels.

I can turn this into a first-rate tour bus!

What'd I tell you?

What'd I tell you?

Lenny, the best mechanic in the whole mta.

He said it. How much, Lenny? How much?

Oh, for Ralph? Whatever it costs for parts.

I get most for free, if you know what I mean.

Ha, ha! We gonna be rich!

We gonna be rich!

Norton, what'd I tell you?

You said it. Gonna be rich!

Hey, Lenny, I'm gonna let you in on it too.

I'm gonna give him something.

Hey, Ralph,

I got one question for you.

I got one question for you.

How you gonna get this thing out of here?

Lenny, it's a train, okay?

We're just gonna roll it out.

We're gonna roll it out.

How you gonna do that when all you have is, uh...

20 feet of track?

Uh, you don't...?

You don't need track to roll a train out, do you?

It's 60 feet below street level.

It's 60 feet below street level.

It's gonna cost you a fortune

to move that train.

Well, Ralph...

Look like you...

Gladys knight without the pips.

What are you doing out so late, miss Celestine?

I could ask you the same question.

It looks like I'm gonna be doing a lot of double shifts

from now on.

Oh, really?

Em, what's your poison?

Em, what's your poison?

Gambling?

Drink?

Hos?

Oh, no. No, no. None of that.

Just...

Worked myself into a jam

trying to get along a little better.

Aren't we all?

♪ Some people got to have it ♪

♪ yeah, yeah ♪

♪ some people really need it ♪

♪ listen to me, y'all ♪

♪ do things, do things do things, bad things with it ♪

♪ do things, do things do things, bad things with it ♪

Man, I worked four double shifts this week.

Damn, Ralph, we need to pimp some midgets,

you know what I mean? Yeah, tell me about it.

What was that? I don't know.

Sounded like a big rat or something.

Come on, let's go.

What are you do--? Norton, what are you doing, man?

Get away from the dumpster.

It's a dog. Aw, man.

Why would somebody do this to a dog?

Ralph, give me some help. What?

I'm not coming near no dumpster!

Give me some help.

An innocent dog--

Oh, come on. Get him out.

Oh, wow.

Look at him, Ralph.

I'm gonna clean him up,

put him a nice little collar on him,

some rhinestones.

Call him iggy.

Iggy?

Iggy's the perfect name for a dog in the hood.

Come on, don't get so excited, all right?

We're not keeping the dog.

Besides, the super would never let us

have him in the building.

I ain't got time for a dogany.

The dog is not coming with us.

The dog is not coming with us.

Let's go.

Don't worry about it, iggy.

You're coming home with us, baby.

Oh, boy.

There's some leftovers in the kitchen.

Oh, it's okay, baby.

I ate already with Norton.

Sorry to wake you. You didn't wake me.

I couldn't sleep. I keep hearing barking.

I think somebody snuck a dog in the building or something.

I think somebody snuck a dog in the building or something.

I'm sure you're just imagining things.

Ooh!

These double shifts are killing me.

Baby?

Yeah.

That house means the world to me

and I'm not gonna lose it without a fight.

I mean, if we can't get the money by next Monday,

Mrs. b's gonna be forced to sell to that idiot developer,

William Davis.

And...

Well, um...

I'm gonna ask my mama for the money.

What? Your mama don't have that kind of money.

What? Your mama don't have that kind of money.

It's $10,000. That's all we need, right?

Well, sure.

If I hadn't spent the rest of it on the train.

Huh?

No, I was just kind of adding it up in my brain.

And...

Baby, you really should go by and see the house.

I mean, Norton's already seen it.

Yeah. Yeah, I'm gonna get by there.

Yeah?

Yeah. Yeah.

Thank you.

I talked to some guys

about getting the train out of the sewer.

How much?

You don't want to know.

We gotta get ahold of some cash.

Today.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

Look at that, man.

Break party. Break party.

♪ Universal b-boy looking for the perfect beat ♪

♪ beat, beat, beat, beat ♪

♪ looking for the perfect beat ♪

♪ searching for the perfect beat ♪

♪ seeking for the perfect beat ♪

♪ I must get mine I'm out to get it ♪

Sorry to disturb you at this time, ma'am.

My name is ed.

And I'm Ralph,

and what a lovely home you have.

Help us.

Help us.

We can't see a thing.

Billy.

What's up? It's Ralph kramden.

How you doing? Vacation.

Oh, it's William now.

Remember I loaned you $6?

You got that?

The Brooklyn youth program

is a program to keep young little brothers like ourselves

off the street from stealing hubcaps

and breaking into your house

while you're not at home. Yes.

Jeannie Lincoln.

Remember we went on a date

and it was supposed to be Dutch but I paid?

Two blind men and a dog.

That's a nice little sweater there.

Hey...

♪ This is what you gotta do ♪

♪ this is what you must do beat this! ♪

♪ Beat this! ♪

♪ Beat this! ♪

♪ Beat this! ♪

Look at that, man.

Throw a dog a bone! Throw a dog--

Wait a minute. I want some money.

Give me $5, man!

♪ Looking for the perfect beat ♪

♪ and it will help you reach your peak ♪

♪ keep dancing to our perfect beat ♪

♪ and it will help you reach your peak ♪

Hey, come here! What are you doing?

♪ And it will help you reach your peak ♪

Damn!

Oh!

Get off of me!

Ed! You've gotta do something about this dog!

Ed! You've gotta do something about this dog!

I told you,

I'm watching him for a friend.

Here, boy!

Go get it!

If things go right with this house,

we can get a dog for the yard.

And name him patches?

Or iggy!

Iggy?

♪ Baby, if you only knew... ♪

I mean, man, have you seen the house? Wow.

It's got a back yard for iggy and everything.

Yeah, man.

So Alice invited her mother over for dinner.

Her mama's coming over?

I better come over there with my referee t-shirt on, then.

I better come over there with my referee t-shirt on, then.

She plans on asking her for the money for the house.

Wait a minute. You done told Alice about the train money?

Oh, no!

It's been my experience

that too much honesty can ruin a good relationship.

Yeah.

Look at them over there.

What do you think they're talking about?

Us, bad weaves,

fake Louis vuitton purses.

I mean, what do they always talk about?

Let's say the conforming interest rate is 6.5 percent

at one-and-a-half points.

Does that leave us room for a two-one buydown?

Does that leave us room for a two-one buydown?

I don't think you'd want to do that

in the first three years,

but we could always run the numbers.

Hmm.

Look at them over there. No, no, no, ed.

What do you think they're talking about?

You know how men are.

They'd like us to believe they're talking about religion

or politics or economic injustice...

But you know all they really care about is--

Beyoncé is more peach-shaped.

Like the way chaka Khan used to be

back in the day.

Chaka Khan used to be built like a bleach bottle

back in the day.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Hi, iggy.

Go!

Ooh.

Damn, that dog can run!

- Oh, yeah. - You better believe it.

Norton, that's it!

We race iggy!

How many years did you guys say you've been racing greyhounds?

Oh, 11. Six.

Ah, 11 years, but six times

in dog years, of course.

In dog years, of course.

Give or take.

Right. Right. Five or ten years.

He got in it first. Yeah.

Actually, I brought him into the business.

See, actually, we are...

Brothers. Cousins.

Different moms. Yeah.

My father used to train neglected chihuahuas--

Gentlemen.

And then--

It really doesn't matter.

What I do want to know is

how it is you've been racing greyhound champions

for six to 11 years...

And I never heard of you?

Well, actually, I can explain that.

You know, actually, we--

The past few years,

we've been racing exclusively in Argentina.

We've been racing exclusively in Argentina.

Yeah, you might've seen us on telemundo before?

No, I didn't.

I didn't know they raced dogs in Argentina.

Yeah, ever since the shah took over.

The shah of Argentina?

Look, Mr. Kirby,

we got a dog here who's itching to run.

How about this weekend?

This weekend is the track's anniversary derby.

Well, good. Sign us up.

Gentlemen. Gentlemen.

That's a $20,000 stakes race.

Twenty thousand dollars? American dollars?

What he is saying is that

what he is saying is that

we don't normally race for such low stakes.

No, we don't.

But we'll make an exception.

Hell, yeah, we will make an exception.

Stop.

Well, kennel sickness

has hit us pretty hard this week.

It's a very extensive screening process.

Who's his sire?

What's a sire?

His dam?

His damn what?

His lineage?

Are you talking about his tailor?

No, he don't wear clothes.

He's got a 10-inch inseam.

Mr. Kirby, look. We got a dog. He's ready to run.

Mr. Kirby, look. We got a dog. He's ready to run.

You've had some scratches.

All we want is a chance.

That's it.

All right, I'm going to give him a time trial tomorrow.

If he qualifies,

he runs.

Oh, that's what I'm sayin'!

Who's his trainer?

He don't need no trainer. No.

He don't need no trainer. He's housebroken.

He needs a trainer.

Get dodge.

He's the guy for you.

You dodge?

Hell, no.

You got the wrong sucker.

Why? Who's asking?

We're looking for a trainer.

Why didn't you say so, man?

What are you, socially retarded?

What's up? The name is dodge.

What's up? Okay.

Who--? Mr. Kirby sent you?

Yeah. Well, that's cool,

'cause I'm a canine behaviorist.

'Cause I'm a canine behaviorist.

I train, board and breed greyhounds.

I specialize in temperamentally unsound,

psychologically unstable genetical throwbacks.

I do not pick up excreta.

And I run my facilities

right out of this place.

It says here you sell timeshares in the poconos.

What? Let me see that.

Oh, yeah, my bad.

Wrong card, man.

"Importifications."

"Underage mail order brides."

"S&m fashion consultant."

You know what? We don't need cards, man.

We don't need cards. We're dog people.

We got a bond, a fellowship.

We got a bond, a fellowship.

Hey, look at the dog. Look at him.

He seems really bright, alert.

What's his name?

That's iggy.

I'm Ralph and this is ed.

Hey, Ralph, ed.

You carry your dog around on a rope?

You siphon gas out of a car.

What's your point, man?

What? What, you--? That?

Yeah.

You think I'm stealing?

Man, that's my friend's car.

Come on.

We prank each other all the time.

You know. I siphon gas out of his car,

he siphons out of my car, yada-yada, blasé-blasé.

Hey, tell you what I'm gonna do.

Hey, tell you what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna train your dog for $500. Cash.

I don't know.

You know what? I'll let you think about it.

Give you a moment.

No pressure.

I don't know. Does this guy look like a dog trainer?

What does a dog trainer look like? I don't know.

Kirby said dodge. Yeah. That's...

He said dodge, right? That's what Kirby said.

Okay. All right. Okay, we'll do it.

We'll do it.

All right. Good decision, man!

Five hundred cash.

That's it, baby.

Let me check.

Hey! Hey, nice man-purse!

Hey! Hey, nice man-purse!

You mean this Fanny-pack thing?

I got this off a homeless guy for a quarter.

Some sucker made, like, a thousand of these.

Hey, look, what are we going to do about the training?

It's like this. Let break it down for you, okay?

We're a partnership now, a ménage à trois, all right?

You put in capital, I put in experience.

At the end, you get the experience.

I keep the capital. Is that cool?

Great. Great.

The thing is, I like to work at night,

if you don't mind.

During the day, it's just too crowded.

Too many people, too many dogs.

So let's say we meet out

back over there about 9 sharp?

Okay, 9, 9:00, okay.

Okay, 9, 9:00, okay.

Remember, there are no bad dogs,

only bad owners.

All right? Remember that.

I gotta bounce.

Hi, mom!

Somewhere around the third flight of stairs,

I think I caught tb.

Here. Oh, a pie!

Oh, and a box of wine.

That is so nice.

Don't get too excited.

I'm taking back what we don't drink.

Just have a seat on the couch and relax,

just have a seat on the couch and relax,

and I'll just pop a hole in the top

and bring you a glass.

Table setting for three?

Does that mean he's going to be here?

He lives here.

Not for long,

if Jesus would quit making movies

and answer the prayers of a righteous woman.

♪ Seconds of pleasure ♪

♪ life's little treasures ♪

♪ life's little treasures ♪

Hey, sweet face.

Hell, no! Oh, no.

What happened?

You married a damn pervert!

That's what happened!

Look, baby, it was just a big misunderstanding.

Next, you'll probably say you thought I was Alice.

Of course I thought you were Alice!

Aha!

That's exactly what a pervert would say.

Woman, one day, you are gonna push me too far!

The only thing that can push you is a bulldozer!

The only thing that can push you is a bulldozer!

Mom.

Mom, how about you go wash up,

'cause everything's under control,

and I'll just deal with my little pervert here.

What is she doing here?

I'm asking my mother for the money tonight.

Tonight? Yes.

No. No, no, no. Not tonight.

Tonight you can't because, um,

Norton and I have to go to the lodge.

The lodge?

The lodge?

What are you, Fred flintstone?

The lodge?

Look, I-- woman, I-- I got somewhere to be.

That's all you need to know.

And that's it-tah!

I refuse to lose this house

over another one of your half-assed schemes.

Half-assed schemes?

Mm-hm.

Let me tell you something.

This country was built on half-assed schemes.

I'm talking about real inventive stuff here.

Like the guy who came up with the thong. Okay?

He was short on material and he used what he had!

Mm-hm. Mm-hm.

Mm-hm. Mm-hm.

I'm asking my mother

for the money for the house tonight,

and I expect you to be on your very best behavior.

Look-- Ralph kramden...

Your very best behavior.

Well, so far, everything's edible.

Uh...

How about I get the entrées?

Ooh, entrées!

You going to France for those?

Just one good swing.

What are you doing?

Trixie's coming home. I couldn't let her see iggy.

You can't leave him here. Alice's mama is over for dinner.

She's in there right now asking for our house money.

So if Alice get the check and she tries to deposit--

So if Alice get the check and she tries to deposit--

I know. She's gonna know the account is empty.

That's why this meal can't go well.

How you gonna do that?

I know you're in there

eating all our dinners.

Just don't make

the same mistake you made last time.

When you hit plate, stop!

Ha, ha!

Oh, you going straight to hell for this one.

Oh, you going straight to hell for this one.

Mother Gibson, that's free-range chicken.

What a chicken does on his free time

is no never mind to me.

This is too much food for me. I'm on a diet.

Oh, here, take my plate. I don't have that much.

Thank you, baby.

I wanted your mother to have the white meat.

I'm perfectly happy with the dark.

Give me the white meant, then.

No, it's fine. Give it.

Ralph.

No, give me-- Ralph--

Give me the plate, woman!

Mama?

Mm.

Mm-mm-mm.

Mm-mm-mm.

The chicken is delicious.

Ralph?

Eat.

Yeah.

I've never seen you turn down food before.

So, what do you want, Alice?

I thought we'd wait till after dinner to talk about that.

I thought you'd marry a lawyer.

Apparently, we both thought wrong.

Oh, let me guess.

You need money?

We want to buy a house.

We want to buy a house.

It's a duplex, actually, with ed and trixie.

Well, you know, truth be told,

buying a house is a big investment.

Yeah, that is the truth.

That is the truth. And it hurts, you know?

I can see that.

Never seen you so torn up about money before.

We are putting in all of our savings, but we're still short.

About $10,000.

Ten thousand dollars?

Who do you think I am, weezy Jefferson?

God rest her soul.

But it's a beautiful duplex, mama,

with a back yard and everything.

Right near the diner, even.

Right near the diner, even.

So, what do you think?

You should have married Larry filmore.

He's taking over the funeral parlor.

Aah! Bathroom!

Just give me some time to marinate on it.

That's fair enough.

Is something wrong with you?

You know, it's just

that we've been so worried

about asking you for the money for the house,

and sharing a meal over it is just a beautiful thing.

I'm ready for dessert. Anybody?

Yeah. Mama brought a pie.

And mama's gonna go get it.

Mama's coming to the kitchen?

Mama's coming to the kitchen?

Your mama's going to the kitchen!

Tell the truth.

You're on the pipe, aren't you, boy?

Oh, there it is!

My famous apple crumble crisp pie!

Oh!

I don't even want to know.

Where do you keep the paper towels?

Oh, right up under the...

We don't have any.

We, you know, I don't believe in that,

with the rain forest and everything.

With the rain forest and everything.

You know, there's something really, really wrong with you.

Where's the dog?

He's right there.

Look, we gotta go right now.

They said if we don't get there by 9,

we can't race.

They're not going to let me leave right now.

Ralph, come join us for dessert!

Okay, babe. I'll be in there in just a second.

The pilot light went out.

He's fixing the pilot.

He's fixing the pilot.

He's handy.

How do we get out of here?

The fire escape.

Oh, hell, no.

Boy, you coming in here or not? My pie's getting stale.

Damn.

I got another riddle for you.

What's lighter than a feather,

but yet the strongest man can't hold it very long?

Not now, Norton, okay?

I'm trying not to break my neck up here.

Come on. What's lighter than a feather--?

Your breath.

Wow, you a genius!

Ralph?

Almost got it, babe.

Almost got it, babe.

I'll be right there.

Are you sure this thing can hold us?

We come down this all the time, Ralph.

Oh, man!

Norton, you know I hate heights.

Come on, Ralph.

You can do it.

Just chill, man. I'll help you.

I can't, man.

I ain't gonna be able to do this, man.

Ralph, you're gonna get us busted!

Go slow.

Aaah! Whoa, whoa.

Hold on, Ralph. Come on, Ralph.

What's the noise, man?

What's the noise, man?

Come on. Come on.

I'm cool, right?

I'm good. Everything-- See, Ralph?

It ain't that bad.

Everything--

Jesus!

- You see anything? - No.

Now, where'd that crazy husband of yours run off to?

You know, mom, I think he said something

about a meeting at the lodge tonight.

Ooh!

Oh, well, that's more dessert for us.

Ralph, I gotta confess something to you.

Man, just hold on. We gonna die!

I gotta get my life right with the lord.

One day, I was coming down there

to get some milk from y'all on the fire escape,

and I seen Alice naked.

I ain't lyin'.

And sometimes...

I think about her.

You--

Ah!

I forgot my keys.

Yeah, right.

Hey, I'm not going to lie to you, man.

I'm having problems, okay?

My wife left me.

Technically, she's not my wife, she's somebody else's.

But the pain lingers all the same,

you know what I mean?

Duck, duck, duck!

What you mean, "duck"? What's going on?

It's okay. It's all right. No problem. He didn't see us.

Are we breaking in here?

Are we breaking in here?

We not breaking in.

Why you profiling me, baby? Why you profiling me?

It's a competitive business!

I don't want other trainers to steal my secrets!

Okay, fellas.

Dog racing is about show business,

and the show counts.

And it starts the minute

you walk your dog onto the battlefield.

And this is the walk.

Brisk. Brisk. Brisk. Brisk. Brisk. Brisk.

Arms down, arms down, arms down.

Confidence. Don't be arrogant. Don't be arrogant.

It's not a tug of war. It's not a tug of war.

It's not a tug of war. It's not a tug of war.

Watch out! Watch out! Get the dog! Get the dog!

Get the dog! Get the dog!

There you go. Good boy.

He's great, man, great. Six-five pounds.

Less than 4 percent body fat.

All musc-les. Yeah.

You know, I had a French aerobics teacher.

Leslie was her name. Just like that, really flexible,

except not enough soft places, you know what I'm saying? Right?

Okay, for iggy to be competitive,

he's gotta run at least a 32.30.

He's gotta run at least a 32.30.

This is the moment of truth, fellas.

Ralph, Eddie, you ready?

Three! Two! One!

All right, fellas.

We run into a couple problems. Nothing minor.

I gotta train his mind.

That's it, iggy. Relax. Relax. That's it.

Good boy.

Breathe.

Breathe. That's it.

You know, my parents find it

really difficult to explain to people

what I do for a living. Hm.

Iggy, you are one of the most ancient canine breeds.

The pharaoh's favorite.

The Greek king's son.

You're a born winner. A born winner, boy.

Live up to it.

I... I don't know. I don't know.

I... I don't know. I don't know.

- Listen to me, pooch. - Okay? I'm talking to you!

Nobody quits on Tony Montana, you hear me?

You're a dog.

It's a racetrack.

You can win this thing!

Iggy, baby, you listen to me.

I'm not who you think I am.

I'm not the best trainer in the world.

I started out with nothing and I still got most of it left.

They wanted me to get you pregnant by a pit bull.

Iggy!

Look at me when I'm talking to you!

Your dogs would've had little bodies with big heads,

just walking down the street like this.

Just walking down the street like this.

You could have been a contender, but instead, you're a bum!

You win that race, you get the power,

and then you get the bitches!

Oh, yeah, so many bitches.

All right, fellas, the dog's a straight-up dud.

What? A dud? Who you calling a dud?

What do you mean?

You're a trainer. Train the dog.

I've seen this dog move.

I've seen him move too. You're a dud! Iggy!

Were you drinking at the time when you saw him move?

Were you drinking at the time when you saw him move?

Iggy, it's not that hard.

Watch this.

Let me think about it.

Let me just think, let me think.

I got it. I got it.

Why don't we Nancy kerrigan the other dogs?

You mean hit the dogs in the knee?

No, just the back, the hind legs. No.

All right, that's a little too aggressive for you?

Don't worry about it. Vitamins?

A little stronger than that. It works for me.

Nobody needs to know. They don't screen dogs.

They don't?

No, no.

It's just between you and me.

It's just between you and me.

What'd you get?

That was fast.

Hey, nice lap, Norton.

Eddie. Eddie, what do you think?

I don't know how we gonna get this dog to run.

Whoo!

Check that out.

Check that out.

Hey, boss. Psst. Check that out.

You're impressed at it, ain't you?

He's in.

Yeah!

Assuming you have all the proper paperwork.

You bring it to the owners party here tomorrow night.

Not a problem.

We'll have that paperwork for you.

We will definitely have the paperwork tomorrow.

What paperwork?

It's the dog's paperwork,

documenting authenticity of line,

license to race, proof of insurance,

membership in

membership in

the greyhound association of amer--

Oh, wow. All the things you ain't got.

We can get it. No, you can't.

There's a three-week hold on the license alone.

- Damn. - But you know what?

'Cause you're my friends, I'll expedite it for $600

and you'll get it by tomorrow. $600? No, no.

You already charged us for the kennel, the dog leash,

$60 for puppy chow!

That was pedigree puppy chow, man.

Come on. I got overhead.

All right, $300.

Excuse me.

Are you the health inspector?

Are you the health inspector?

Look, nice and clean. Spotless.

No, no, no. I need to speak to Alice kramden, please.

Oh, Alice is busy.

Excuse me? Do you know who I am?

Uh, no. No. You know who I am?

I was born in a one-bedroom farmhouse

with five brothers who I raised.

I was born in China 88 years ago

in a Chinese rice field.

I served my country in Vietnam,

where I was a golden gloves champion

three years running.

Before, when I come, my English not good-looking,

but now I speak perfect.

I raised six kids.

I raised six kids.

Buried two husbands.

And am on the lookout for number three.

Can I call you next week?

What?

Mama, what are you doing here?

Oh, hi, baby.

I just thought I'd drop this off in person.

Thank you!

Thank you!

You're welcome! Thank you!

Trix, we got the money for the house!

I can't believe it.

I didn't think you were gonna do it.

Well, I was skeptical.

But Ralph seemed so genuinely worried about it,

but Ralph seemed so genuinely worried about it,

I figured maybe he's just coming around.

Yeah, maybe he is.

Thank you, mama!

Oh, you're welcome.

Once this is leveled, it will make a nice entry

to the underground parking.

Excuse me a moment.

Here to reconsider my offer?

I'm actually here to give Mrs. b some news.

Some really good news.

Well, she's not here.

Well, she's not here.

Please share it with me.

I'd love to.

We're gonna own this place.

Yeah.

Ed and trixie upstairs, and me and Ralph down.

Ralph...?

Ralph, my husband. Oh.

What? What's so funny? I'm sorry.

It's just, you know, come Monday,

you'll be trespassing.

Tell me this.

If there's no money in her account,

then why is this waitress hanging around my property?

Sir, I told you. I checked.

Sir, I told you. I checked.

They have nothing.

No, they've got something, chip.

They've got something, somewhere.

Find out what the husband is up to.

Ralph kramden.

That woman I was telling you about?

Her name is marlena.

She's puerto rican.

My god. I've tried to talk to her, but...

Words won't come.

I can tell you a thing or two about women,

that's if you're ready to hear it.

It all begins with

letting her know who's boss.

Letting her know who's boss.

Very important.

Alice. What are you doing here?

I just came from the bank.

It's a funny story. You wanna hear it?

Let her know who's boss, Ralph!

Uh, look...

I can explain.

Oh, can you?

Can you now?

I tell the bank I want to withdraw $4000,

and they tell me

not only is our account empty,

but here's the punch line:

We're overdrawn by $223.60.

Whoa, whoa, the bank said that?

No, no, there's gotta be a mistake, baby,

no, no, there's gotta be a mistake, baby,

'cause I don't know nothing about no 60 cents.

Where's the money, Ralph?

I can explain, all right?

But, you know...

Taken out of context, it might sound a little crazy.

Try me.

Norton and I found a train in the sewer, see--

I want you out of the apartment, Ralph.

Hold on!

Babe! Wait a minute!

Listen! Listen!

And then we got this dog out of the dumpster--

I don't want to hear it!

I don't want to hear it!

I'm done.

Come on, baby, just 24 more hours, okay?

Twenty-four more hours and then we can get on

to the life we both dreamed of.

And what life is that, Ralph? Huh?

You've always been so obsessed with your own dreams

that you never even bothered with mine.

How can you say that?

I want the house just as much as you do!

Then why haven't you been by to see it?

'Cause...

I mean...

Because you're selfish, Ralph kramden.

And I'm done playing the fool.

And I'm done playing the fool.

Come on, move it, all right!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Whatever!

Go ahead! Be my guest!

The trouble is yours!

Luckily for me, man, I'm nearsighted,

so I can date just about anybody.

I understand what you're saying.

Like I'm dating this lady right now,

she's about 40, 40-plus, whatever.

I don't want to marry her for her money,

but I don't know how else to get it,

you know what I'm saying?

You know, someday,

I'm gonna find somebody special who's not gonna press charges.

I'm gonna find somebody special who's not gonna press charges.

There he is!

Finally!

Hey, keep it close.

Ralphie boy!

What are you wearing?

This is a a-list party.

You got d-list all over you, man. Look at me.

I'm wearing new underwear, even. Well, they're new to me, anyway.

Look, I couldn't change.

Alice kicked me out of the house.

Again?

She found out about the money.

And mad in a mug about the house.

It's serious.

Don't worry about it, Ralph.

Tomorrow, when iggy's in that winner's circle,

we gonna get paid,

we gonna get paid,

and the money will buy the girls the house.

Yeah, maybe you're right.

You got the paperwork for Kirby?

I never disappoint 'cause I'm always on-point, baby.

Then let's do this.

Ralph, they're not going to let you in

dressed like a thug.

What thug drives a bus?

Besides, where am I gonna find a suit?

Man, Ralph, you're looking real temptation-like

in that suit.

I know you ain't trying to jone

looking like the last blues brother.

Looking like the last blues brother.

Man, you look great. Like a plucked sunflower.

Girls love flowers, man.

Oh, wow, I love all your stuff.

I really, really do.

What stuff is she talking about, Ralph?

I have no idea.

You guys are great.

Looking forward to it.

What is going on here?

They must know we own iggy.

I'm telling you, that dog's a winner, Ralph.

Well-- hey, let's find Kirby. Right, right, right.

You kill me!

Hey, Mr. Kirby. How are you?

Well, I'm fine. I'm fine, Mr. kramden.

Well, I'm fine. I'm fine, Mr. kramden.

That is quite a suit.

You dig that suit, huh?

It would suit you, but I'm out of the banana. I got pumpkin.

Pumpkin? You didn't say nothing about no pumpkin.

Mr. Kirby, I've got the paperwork

for iggy to be in the race tomorrow.

Iggy won't be in the race. He's been scratched.

Scratched? What do you mean, scratched?!

Scratched? Man, what the--?

I bribed the top people! I went through procedure

to get this through. Come on.

I'll be perfectly honest with you.

You see, my new friend over there

has just paid a good amount of cash

to keep your dog out of the race.

To keep your dog out of the race.

Here we go.

Wait a minute, who is this guy?

William Davis.

I don't believe we've had the pleasure.

No, we haven't had the pleasure.

'Cause if we had been pleasured,

I think we'd have knowed about it.

Shh. Better if you don't talk, man.

Davis.

"Davis properties" Davis?

That's right.

That's the one trixie was talking about.

And you are...?

Ralph kramden.

Oh, yes.

Well, it's just business.

Well, it's just business.

Nothing personal.

How's it just pers--?

It's just business?

And since our business is over,

why don't you stay, enjoy the buffet,

and buy yourselves some drinks.

You raw, man. Come on, Mr. Kirby.

- Boss, it's me. - Boss, talk to me, baby!

That was a police move, man.

Let it go, let it go.

"Let it go"? Just let it go.

I'm here looking like a rubber ducky

and you're talking about letting it go?

Come on, let's have a little free punch.

It's on me.

Lighten things up a little bit,

lighten things up a little bit,

'cause I've been thinking and thinking,

and it doesn't look good.

And it doesn't smell good.

Those shrimps got me with the bubble-guts.

Look, Ralph. Ralph.

You can't be hating on Kirby, man. You can't.

He's a self-made businessman, just like you and me.

He started out with $5000,

and now he's 2 or 3 million dollars in debt.

You gotta admire that. I ain't got no taste,

but I gotta admire that, you know?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Ralph,

but sometimes the world is cold like that.

It is about money sometimes.

Yeah, it's about money. Pssh.

Look at Kirby. He thought for one second

look at Kirby. He thought for one second

he can get paid with iggy,

we wouldn't even be in this situation.

I have been looking everywhere for you two.

Come on. What's going on?

We're late, come on.

Late for what? Who do you think we are?

Come on, Chang, everyone knows your yellow suit.

Chang?

I'm excited to finally meet you.

How many times I told you not to call this number, huh?

Yeah. Why? Why you gonna call the cops?

Why you gonna call the cops? I was gonna be there.

I'll give you the money on Friday.

Mom! Mom!

You were supposed to start five minutes ago.

Get up there.

Get up there.

Huh? What the--?

Now remember, you're getting paid per set.

Okay, go on.

Well, she said we was getting paid.

Go on ahead.

Hey.

Huh?

I have an idea.

What kind of idea?

Just follow my lead.

It's gonna be great.

Test. Testing.

Oh, yeah, this is great. This is great.

One, two, three.

Oh, yeah. Everybody follow me.

How are you, my man? Good seeing you.

This is some party, don't you think?

Beautiful people here, uh, this evening.

Hey, listen...

How many dreamers, by a show of hands, do we have?

Where are the dreamers? All the dreamers?

All around there, there's dreamers.

I'm a dreamer.

Hey, the dog.

Get the dog.

Right, I got it. I got it, baby.

Right, I got it. I got it, baby.

Get the dog.

I got this one. Yeah, I...

You almost got me.

Well, I, too, am a dreamer.

And I had a dream that my dog would race

on this beautiful track tomorrow afternoon.

But that dream just won't happen

because our dog has been scratched

due to financial technicalities.

Eddie "left hand" Norton, everybody! Wow!

What a surprise that is,

and you don't know the half of it.

But Eddie's beautiful music

only underscores the fact that my dog has been scratched.

Scratched on paper, but not scratched in spirit.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And then, uh-- And this man, dodge.

This is dodge, our trainer,

and, uh... come on.

This is dodge and our dog, iggy.

And I know to look at him, sure, he looks a little mangy,

and sickly looking and in need of a bath,

but I tell you...

Iggy's a special dog.

You know, we found iggy in a dumpster.

Damn near dead.

Hadn't eaten in days,

but like most underdogs, iggy's a survivor.

Like seabiscuit, rocky, destiny's child.

Like seabiscuit, rocky, destiny's child.

All survivors.

You know, I guess I'm just saying this to say that.

Mr. Kirby, I don't know why

you're not letting our dog race tomorrow,

but he's already a winner in my book.

And I'll put money on my dumpster dog

any day of the week!

Any day, Ralph!

So would I!

Me too!

You're not buying any of this crap, are you?

A homeless dumpster dog? You're kidding.

People are gonna be falling all over themselves

betting on him.

Mr. Davis, I'm sorry.

Mr. Davis, I'm sorry.

If that dog wins, I'm screwed.

That dog will never win.

You'll see for yourself.

Mr. kramden!

Iggy, he's in!

Yes! He's in!

Bet on iggy! Iggy!

Excuse me. Excuse me. What's going on here?

Who are they? It's my piano.

Iggy! Iggy! Iggy! Iggy! Iggy!

Ralph, if you think you can just waltz in here

and everything's gonna be fine,

you have another--

Oh. It's you guys.

And that dog.

What's going on?

Ed's got quite a story.

He wants you to hear it.

Hey, he won't be up there.

Who?

Dodge. That's who you're looking for, right?

Oh, sure, exactly, dodge, yeah.

- Oh, there he is. - Hey, dodge. Dodge!

Hey! Hey, guys! What's up? How you doing?

You probably thought

that I was stealing his wallet, right?

Well, no. We're friends. We do it all the time.

Well, no. We're friends. We do it all the time.

Lonnie, Lonnie!

Hey, tag, you're it, man!

See you at the barbecue next weekend!

Damn! Look at you fellas, man!

You look mackin', packin', black-a-doscious.

Your first race.

You know, if iggy wins that first heat, man,

we're gonna go for the real money in the second race.

Now, go up. I'm gonna take iggy.

Go to the owners' booth.

Go up into the box up there.

Enjoy yourselves. Don't be nervous.

Popcorn!

Get your popcorn here! Hey, popcorn!

What are you looking for?

What are you looking for?

I'm just...

Where is that popcorn man?

She's not coming, Norton.

I know you tried.

You my boy. Yeah.

Yeah, man. It's okay.

Should we go down there?

No, no, trix, I'm not ready yet.

Are you waiting to see if he wins?

No!

I'm waiting to see if he loses.

I know it'll kill him.

Ladies and gentlemen,

it's post time for our qualifying heat.

All right. Let's go, iggy!

Do it, baby!

Go, six!

Go, six!

And they're off!

Go, ig! Go, go, go!

Do it! Do it!

Go ahead!

That's it!

The results of the qualifying heat,

in first place, number six, iggy,

with a time of 31.5. We gonna get that money!

We're on our way, baby!

That dog is unbeatable!

Don't worry about it.

That was just the first heat.

The final is a whole different ball game.

Now, that puts him in the race for the money, right?

Yeah, yeah.

Only Ralph.

Our future depends on a dog race.

Our future depends on a dog race.

I didn't-- I didn't sleep with her!

I just loaned her 10k for plastic surgery.

Now I don't even know what she looks like, all right?

All right. Peace.

Yo, fellas, he's as ready as he's ever gonna be now.

Come on, ig, we've gotta review our strategy, baby.

Norton, it's a dog.

Ralph, stop hating!

I'm trying to get iggy to visualize his success.

Well, you get him to visualize going back to that dumpster.

That'll give him something to think about.

Ahem. Sorry, guys.

Ahem. Sorry, guys.

I'm... Nervous.

Iggy's got this one in the bag, Ralph.

I don't know, fellas.

This race is a lot tougher than you guys think.

Aw, man, there you go hating.

Iggy is gonna-- Them other dogs ain't-- damn!

That ain't a damn dog, that's a horse!

Welcome to the big time, fellas. Welcome to the big time.

Come on, iggy.

You win that race,

you get this.

What do you think?

Let's not jinx him.

Let's not jinx him.

Let's just see him after the race.

After they win the money? Let's hope.

Now, the featured race of the day.

The New Jersey park stadium anniversary derby

for a $20,000 prize purse! Go and get it!

When you hear that bell, run like hell!

Go get 'em, iggy!

Come on, do everything I taught you. Come on.

And they're off.

And they're off.

Go, iggy!

Go, ig!

Come on, iggy! You can do it, iggy!

Come on, iggy! Get out of there!

Oh, man. He's in trouble! He's boxed in!

Run, iggy! Run!

Maybe he needs his good-luck charm.

Come on, ig! Win this race and it's yours!

Oh, no!

Norton!

No!

Ha!

At the finish line, it's bahama mama,

Henry v, and pavlov's dog takes third.

Henry v, and pavlov's dog takes third.

All owners,

please proceed to the clubhouse

for the presentation of the $20,000 purse.

What were you thinking, distracting him like that?

I was just trying to encourage him, Ralph.

You encouraged him, all right.

You encouraged him away from $20,000!

Ralph, stop yelling at me.

He's gonna think you're yelling at him.

I'm not yelling at the dog. He's just a dumb animal!

What's your excuse?

What's your excuse?

Ralph...

Ed, you know

we needed this money.

Now Alice will never take me back

because of you!

Ralph, calm down.

I thought we were boys, man.

No, no, we're not boys.

We're not friends.

We're not nothing! I'm done!

That's the way you feel?

Yeah, it's how I feel.

And stay out of my fire escape!

Come on, iggy.

Come on, y'all.

Alice...

Alice...

Pet cactus.

What was I thinking?

Shoot.

Yeah, yeah.

Heh. Learn and succeed. Yeah, right.

Bart Roberts.

Bart Roberts.

I was a sucker for ever believing in you.

I won't be a sucker again, though.

"Kawakami."

I should have let you get this train

since you wanted it so bad.

Maybe you still do.

Ow! Ow.

Don't burn up. Come on, don't burn up on me.

Don't burn up. Come on, don't burn up on me.

Mm. Ahem.

If...

Okay.

I might be able to take it off your hands.

Well, the... the price has gone up considerably.

Well, the... the price has gone up considerably.

I mean, we have to take into account my time,

storage, um...

Fees, shipping, postage, handling.

You know, a lot of things like that.

What is your price?

Twenty-five thousand.

Twenty-five thousand?

Okay, that was too much.

Okay, $20,000.

Twenty thousand will be fine.

I'm gonna need a check right now.

Hey, Larry!

Ralph kramden. What's going on?

What, are you in trouble?

Look, I gotta get to q's diner by 9 A.M.

You go that way, right? Not by 9 A.M.

I mean, look at it, it's like total gridlock.

I mean, look at it, it's like total gridlock.

Hello, hello, hello.

Hey, q, it's Ralph kramden.

Alice's husband. Is she--?

Oh, no, no, she's not here.

I got the check for the house!

Please, the health inspector here.

Health inspector?

Don't hang up, you--!

I gotta get over there!

Welcome to your new positions

in the New York City sewer system!

Today, you will join an elite group

of dedicated and dependable professionals.

You lucky few have survived a rigorous application process,

interviews and psychological profiles.

Interviews and psychological profiles.

Actually, ed,

these are all convicted felons of violent crimes

taking part in a work-release program.

And since there are no questions--

I got one for you.

Two men are born five blocks apart.

They've been best friends for 30 years

until one of them says some really stupid things

he didn't mean.

How does he get the other guy to forgive him?

I'm not the one who's good at riddles, remember, Ralph?

I'm not the one who's good at riddles, remember, Ralph?

Neither am I.

What are you talking about?

You know that book of riddles you keep on your coffee table?

I found it, got me a copy and memorized it.

You mean to tell me--

Look... Norton.

Norton.

Come on. Norton.

What, Ralph? What? What?

You've always thought I was the smart one.

You've always thought I was the smart one.

And if you ever stopped thinking that,

then I don't know what I would be anymore.

You really mean that, Ralph?

Yeah.

I'm sorry.

Hey, come on, ed.

You make me cry. Don't start, man.

Why you come down here and make me cry

in front of all these convicts like this?

Stop it, man.

I'm trying just to say to you what I gotta say.

Man-- ahem. Look, all right? Look, man.

Man-- ahem. Look, all right? Look, man.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know what I'm saying?

Do I have a tear in my eye?

No, you okay.

Look, this doesn't change everything.

We still have issues between each other.

Look, okay, I understand that.

But I got the money for the house.

You did?

But I gotta get the check to the diner before 9 A.M.,

and it's total gridlock up there.

I need someone who knows the city beneath the city.

I need a specialist.

I need you, ed.

I got you.

But I have conditions.

But I have conditions.

Condition number one:

You gotta start letting me pick stuff.

What are you talking about?

You always get to pick the restaurants.

You always get to pick the movies.

That's because if we let you pick stuff,

nothing would ever get decided.

Fine! You can pick stuff!

Second up.

When we get around new people,

you have to start referring to me as Edward.

Only you would pick a shortcut like this.

That's another one!

You gotta stop making fun of me!

I'll admit, the way I do things

is a little unorthodox,

but that's me.

The way you do things is ridiculous.

Oh, I'm the one who looks ridiculous?

Yeah!

That ain't even funny.

Oh, yes, it is. We gotta go. Come on, let's ride.

Okay, Ralph, this is the big one.

Okay, Ralph, this is the big one.

You gotta promise to me

that you will never yell at me

or get mad at me ever, ever again.

Done.

Put it on your family jewels.

Put it on my family j--

Fine, I put it on my family jewels

that I will never get mad or holler at you again.

Good. 'Cause we're lost.

You--!

Family jewels.

So... Edward...

Mm-hm?

How do you suggest we proceed from here?

Well, there's two ways we can go.

Well, there's two ways we can go.

Either that way or that way.

Why don't we let you pick.

Let me pick? That's my man.

That's what I'm talking about.

Which way?

That way.

It's this way, Ralph!

This should be it. Straight up.

Let's hope.

Ha, ha, ha! Hey, Norton, this is it!

Ha, ha, ha! Hey, Norton, this is it!

You my man, dog!

Aah! Whoa!

Ralph, what are you waiting for?

There's a SUV on the manhole cover!

You're yelling, Ralph.

This way is blocked, and it's Davis.

Okay, another manhole two blocks down.

Watch it!

You think we're too late?

Not if she hasn't signed yet!

You don't have to read it.

Oh, glad you two made up.

But Alice isn't here, Ralph.

She didn't want to stick around and watch that.

Ma'am, don't sign that!

That's no good. That's good.

Miss benvenuti--

Oh, no, no, don't put that down!

You can't stop once you've started.

It's-- it's unethical.

I'm Ralph kramden. Alice's husband. And, uh--

I'm Ralph kramden. Alice's husband. And, uh--

Oh, please. Well, this is--

Mr. q? It's a little wet.

It's dirty. But, uh,

maybe we can blow-dry it off

and do whatever.

But it's for you.

I'll take the check as-is.

Okay, everyone just--

Look, I'll give you even more, all right?

Thank you.

You got it.

But I don't think so.

I'd rather have my house remain a home.

Yeah!

Thank you, miss benvenuti!

Thank you!

Thank you!

Thank you, Mr. kramden.

It's a pleasure doing business with you.

- Oh, no, no. - Thank you.

You can't do this to me.

Nobody's doing anything to you.

This is business.

It's not personal.

Ywaah!

Miss benvenuti, we'll be calling you.

All right.

Ralph...

Just... Give me a second, okay?

Alice, I've wasted so much time.

Made so many bad choices.

But there's only one thing I've ever done right...

But there's only one thing I've ever done right...

And that's love you.

Baby, let's go home.

You mean, the one we just bought?

How did you do it?

Well, Norton helped out a little bit, but...

No one deserves this more than you, Alice.

Baby, you're the greatest.

All right, guys, come on.

Quit your pissing and moaning. The doghouse is not that heavy.

And it goes in the back facing east

so it gets feng shui, you got it?

And mama Gibson, please don't drop another box.

I don't got insurance, okay?

You don't have no manners either, Mr. "eazy" dodge.

Oh, you're going to get into it with me?

That's all right. Ladies, please hurry up.

That's all right. Ladies, please hurry up.

We're gonna have a lunch break.

And make this house a home. Amen.

Amen.

All right, eat up, everybody.

- Thank you, sweetheart. - All right, now.

Y'all, here we are. Finally.

To our own home.

Cheers, y'all.

Cheers!

Hey, Ralph, Ralph.

I got a surprise for you.

Let go. Let go. Let go.

Good boy. I trained iggy, man.

He's gonna be your dog servant. Fetch you a beer.

Get you a newspaper when you want.

Get you a newspaper when you want.

Isn't that your train right there?

Would you look at that? A million dollars!

Yeah, Ralph, isn't that your train?

The one with the solid brass trim?

Shut up.

What?

Oh, yo, man. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Uh, Ralph, you gonna watch the game later on?

Solid brass?

Ralph, you said you weren't gonna get mad at me no more.

Nah. No, Norton,

I'm not gonna get mad.

No, I'm not gonna yell.

I'm just gonna kill you!

Where's he going?

Get back here and eat dinner!

Ralph, I know where there's another train!

Ralph, I know where there's another train!

And it's got a bell too!

You better know where there's another train!

Come on, man. For real, believe me!

You gonna play it dumb, huh?

♪ Shake 'em in a burst be promotin' ♪

♪ nobody tried come fierce, no insultin' ♪

♪ they pull me up twenty-two and I'm a sultan ♪

♪ that I feel so forget enough startin' fool ♪

We got the money too.

...when he win that money.

America's youth through book--

Book clubs.

See, ed here is a special child.

See, ed here is a special child.

♪ The guys, they call me the bomb ♪

♪ the dang-dy, dang-dy ♪

Hold on! Hold on! Ralph! Ralph!

Ralph! Ralph!

♪ Yeah, with the bomb the dang-dy dang diggy diggy ♪

Ack!

♪ My style is the bomb the bomb ♪

♪ the dang-dy dang diggy diggy ♪

Stop rubbin' on his balls.

Get out of the chair, iggy.

I got his balls? Oh, man!

Why didn't you tell me?

Well, my father used to train neglected chihuahuas

with down syndrome. And then...

It's not that he has any kind of mental problem.

It's not that he has any kind of mental problem.

He just likes to slobber.

What do you mean, let it go?

I'm here lookin' like a birthday balloon.

You want me to let it go.

I'm here lookin' like dishwashing liquid.

Kumquat. Summer squash. A stick of butter. Let it go?

I'm looking like somebody's crack teeth.

You look more like a piece of flan.

Un burrito gordito pero bonito. Venga. Let's go.

F&%@! You, come here!

What did you say?

What's up? What's up?

♪ The dang-dy dang diggy diggy ♪

♪ here with the bomb the dang-dy dang diggy diggy ♪

♪ here with the bomb the dang-dy dang diggy diggy ♪

♪ headfirst shake 'em in a burst ♪

♪ be promotin' ♪

♪ nobody tried come fierce with somethin' ♪

♪ they pull me up twenty-two and I'm somethin' ♪

♪ them say they're my friend and them mine me friend ♪

♪ anytime you're ready, fool anytime start ♪

♪ one or two pinch from my style ♪

♪ my style is the bomb the bomb ♪

♪ the dang-dy dang diggy diggy ♪

♪ my style is the bomb the bomb ♪

♪ the dang-dy dang diggy diggy ♪

♪ here with the bomb ♪

♪ the dang-dy dang diggy diggy ♪

I'm Ronald. And I'm Ernie.

And we're the isley brothers.

♪ La-la-la la-la-la-la ♪

♪ Ia-la-la la-la-la-la ♪

♪ Oooh, ooooh ♪