All language subtitles for The Reluctant Landlord s01e01.e

The days seem slow
but the years go fast

One, two!

The days seem slow
but the years go fast

Could you please pour
another drink in my glass?

I think I need a drink tonight

If only the landlord
could fix it right

Why is he looking so reluctant?

All bored,
like he doesn't want the custom

Why do you run a pub, then?

I need time away
but I've never gotten far

Best friends are these guys here
propping up the bar

Working for the family I love,
but the day's been long

Could you please pour me
another drink, bruv?

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Er, Charlie, when you came in
and said, "Here's a coffee,"

I'm not sure that was entirely
accurate. I made it.

What is in it? Butter.
Why? It's butter coffee.

I read about it, gives you energy,
improves your focus.

You read about it?
Have you drunk it? No.

I've cut out caffeine... and butter.

I like butter and I like coffee,
but not together.

Same as I like Wu-Tang Clan
and Bake Off,

which... actually sounds
like an incredible combination.

You need to get dressed
if you're gonna drop the kids,

unless you're staying in your
'jamas. Make the other mums

jealous when they see
what I get to wake up to.

Are you gonna speak
to Charlie's teacher like we agreed?

No, I will not speak
to Charlie's teacher like we agreed.

It'll sort itself out,
don't make a thing of it.

Yeah, that's for my breakfast.
I made you one.

It's a kale and celery smoothie.

The stalks don't really blend,

I had to sieve it out and re-blend
it a couple of times.

Got anything to go with it that won't
make me wanna kill myself?

They're vitamins and digestive aids.

Couple of the partners in work
are doing a juice boost diet.

It would really help me stick to it
if we could do it together at home.

Well, if everyone
at work is doing it.

What do you mean by that?
What I mean by that is,

we're talking to Charlie
about peer pressure,

and now because you're work
colleagues, we have to drink garden.

This is about being healthy,
not peer pressure.

And I thought you didn't wanna talk
about Charlie,

who is being bullied,
not pressured.

That makes two of us
because I'm not drinking this.

It's only names, I don't really
mind. See? He's fine.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna find some real food.

OK, kids, go and do your teeth.

That juice stinks... Right,
have we run out of eggs?

I can't believe you're being
so flippant about bullying.

If we complain, they're going to
smell blood, and pick on him more.

Leave it, they'll get bored
and just move on. It's the way kids are.

There was this kid at my school,
right? And his mum bred dogs.

So he stank, and like, we gave him
the nickname Dog Shit

and said that his mum fucked dogs.
(CHUCKLES)

Actually when you say it out loud
it sounds bloody horrible.

See, this is how
these things escalate.

Can you talk to the teacher, please?
I'll have to take time off work if I go in.

Yes, OK, I will talk to them.
Where are the beans and white bread?

I threw 'em out. Same as the eggs.
You need to get healthy.

By having butter in coffee,
but not on bread?

I'm not gonna apologise for
wanting you to be on this planet a little bit longer.

That's a depressing
intervention. Do you think I look like I'm gonna die?

Well, you don't look like you're
gonna run a marathon in your 70s.

Your mum wants me to say something
about this name-calling,

and I think it's just
gonna make it worse.

What are they actually calling you?
Just stupid stuff, like Farting,

cos it rhymes with Charlie.

But that doesn't rhyme.
These people sound like idiots.

If they're gonna pick on you,
they should be picking on

your personal hang-ups, or your
physical appearance or something.

Whose side are you on?
I'm on your side,

I'm just saying these people
sound like amateurs.

Don't worry about it,
just ignore 'em.

Peter Farter's another one,
cos of Peter Parker.

What's Peter Parker got to do
with anything? It's cos we had a big argument

when I said Spider-Man could fly.

Well, why would you say that?
You sound like THEM.

I mean, they're right.
Spider-Man can't fly.

He's not Fly-Man. Spiders can't fly,
Spider-Man can't fly.

Well, spiders don't shoot webs
and swing off them either.

They carefully build webs,
which they use to trap food,

not to swing off.
Charlie, if he could fly,

why would he bother swinging off
the webs?

He's got enhanced
spider skills, hasn't he?

Well, why can't I enhance them
so he can fly?

Because you just can't, all right?

Superheroes are stupid.

They don't make sense.
Well, not if you don't pay

attention to their origin stories,
they don't.

We're gonna be late for your
first class. Which I'm hoping

is a lesson in the back story
of the Avengers.

What other superheroes do you
not know anything about?

Do you know who the Hulk is?
No. Yeah.

Mate, it's an outrage. Imagine the
grief I'd get if I put HER on an enforced diet.

I'm not in that bad shape.
That's your fourth packet of crisps.

Yes, because she threw out
my breakfast.

I did try a sip
of her smoothie eventually.

I'd rather drink bin juice.
Don't you think it's romantic,

her wanting you to live longer?
Er, no.

Eating badly is like
a long, enjoyable suicide.

Yes, but Natasha
doesn't want to assist.

Well, I don't want to be a burden,

so I'd rather eat crisps now
and wipe ten years of dribbling in a home off the end of my life.

I never knew you were so noble.

So, all you have are juices
and smoothies, then.

Yes, and massive fuck-off pills.
I googled it, it's just a huge scam.

You pay for the app and then
you get recipes, supplements.

You even get points if you dupe
other mugs into joining up.

Look up "hashtag juice boost".
It's just loads of pictures

of losers, like, going,
"I'm really eating up life,"

and actually what they're doing
is eating vegetable peelings and overpriced Berocca.

(CHUCKLES) Natasha's on it.

Jesus Christ, she's gone all in.

She's taking photos of her meals,
of her taste-free meals.

She's lost it, man. It's like
she's been radicalised.

What are they for, Julie?
Well, you said I could try

some of the cocktails I learned
on my mixology course.

I meant you could practise them
at home.

Why do I need your permission
for what I can drink at home?

Well, you can't do them here.
We've still got a crate of Bacardi from the '90s that Dad never shifted.

Bacardi isn't the same
as cocktails. It's the closest

this place is gonna get
to cocktails, so no. Oh, look.

You're on there too, Rom. What?

Oh. (CHUCKLES)
What the shit is this?

(READING) "Hashtag, turning around
a supertanker"?

"Hashtag, keep up the struggle,
you'll get there, girl"?

I can't believe she's doing this.
She's a practising lawyer.

It's not illegal.
Yes, but she didn't get

my permission, did she?
It's like revenge porn.

Except, who would wanna
crack one off to that?

Hey. Look who's here, boys.

Oh, my God. Dirty Harry.

It's been years.
You haven't changed, you prick.

How are you doing, Melon?
Still hanging about here

like a spare dick
at a wanking convention?

It's Lemon. And I don't know
what that means, but yes.

Lee!

I'd totally forgotten about you.

Here, Harry. Have one on the house
to celebrate getting out... Back.

(NERVOUSLY) Where have you been?
I mean, it's not my business, really.

Erm, how was it inside? Outside?

Wherever you... were
before you came here?

Sorry to hear your dad passed.

It's good you kept the place going.

You know, him and me, we used to
do a bit of business.

Yeah, you once sold him
a lot of condemned meat.

That was prime cut.
It was green.

Anyway, I've come across
a lorry full

of gourmet pickled eggs.
Quality stuff.

What exactly is a gourmet
pickled egg?

Oh, it's different flavours.
You got, er, spicy,

cheese, garlic, curry.

They're past the sell-by date
but I'll change the labels.

They ain't gonna go off,
are they? They're pickled.

200 quid the lot. Er...

Things are a bit tight at the moment.
I mean, maybe next month?

Fair enough. 'Ere, fill her up.

I'll pay for this one though.

I had a bit of luck
while I was away up in Scotland.

There's a lot of people think
these aren't legal tender.

Yeah, but they are.
Yes, I was just gonna say that.

You don't normally say that.
You normally refuse to take them.

Yes, but that's with strangers,
Julie, this is Harry,

he's a regular. Or at least he was,
before he was put away.

Sent away. Went away,
to Scotland.

So, what would you do
if Harry asked for a cocktail?

The only reason
I'd ask for a cocktail

is to get one of them little
pointy sticks with an umbrella on it.

Then I'd use it
to put someone's eye out.

(CHUCKLES)

(NERVOUS LAUGHTER)

So what the fuck's happening
at the gaff up the road?

What, the Dog? It's Foster's place.

Yeah, they've got a chalkboard
with all cheeses and a smiley face on it.

I did a piss all over it.

(LAUGHS AWKWARDLY)

Legend. It's been about ten minutes,
and he's already boasted about

pissing on a chalkboard, and joked
about putting someone's eye out.

Legend.
It's just banter, Julie, relax.

People come here for the atmosphere.
Community spirit,

you unburden yourself, say what you
feel.

Fuck me. I can still see
where your dad

plastered over
where I nutted the walls, when he put the price of beer up.

(NERVOUSLY) Yeah, you were sort of
blaming him for the tax hike.

Here's to your dad.

He was always welcome.
You mean, welcoming.

No, I mean welcome.

He was one of the good ones.

Landlords? Darkies.

Why are you smiling?
Because he's terrifying.

Bit upset about these posts
about me today, to be honest.

Still waiting for an apology.
Mm. So am I.

Er, how come?
You didn't give me any likes.

Erm, you put up a pic of me

giving the impression that I need
a hoist to get on and off the sofa.

Why would I like that?
I meant the other pics.

Alison, the senior partner,
she gets loads more likes than me.

I just wanted her to see me
on the same level as her.

You think you're gonna get promoted
off your juice boost profile?

Maybe I need to up my hashtags. The
fact you're using hashtags alone

upsets me. I don't even
know you any more.

What's wrong with hashtags?
Nothing.

Which is why I reposted your picture
with some hashtags of my own.

Hashtag fat shaming, er,
hashtag oppressive wife...

Oh, you haven't.
No, of course not.

But only cos I couldn't be arsed.
I'm sorry about the pictures.

It's all a bit of harmless
competition.

Helps us all squeeze as much juice
out of life as possible.

Oh, my God. Sure
you don't wanna try some?

It's beetroot and quinoa.

I thought it was a juice-based diet.
Well, it is. You're allowed treats.

Do you know what "treat" means?
You're only offering me that

cos you want a bit of my toast.
No, I don't. Really?

Mm-mm-mm-mm-mmm!

Carbs, and fat, and enjoyment...

No...! I'm joking!

I'm really sorry about the sofa
pic, but everyone else was doing it

and we all had to pick someone
we wanted to motivate.

Wow. That doesn't sound
like a cult at all.

It's not a cult.
I'm going to my room.

What did Charlie's teacher say?
Well, she said that it was

not a big deal,
it would probably all blow over,

but she'd keep an eye on it.

You really want this, don't you?

Yeah. You're gonna have to go
downstairs to eat it.

(SIGHS) Oh, my God.

Get some biscuits, make sure you eat
them in front of Mummy, all right?

OK.

Mummy says I look too old to be
wearing this jacket. What do you think?

No, you only got it last month.
Well, that's not kind of

what I'm asking.
Do I look too old for it?

No. Rom. Rom...

(CHUCKLES) Got 20 quid on ya?

Er, yeah, mate.
Cool, cos I need some fags

and the geezer in there won't accept
this Scottish 20.

It is legal tender. That's what
I told him, but he wouldn't have it.

(MOCK ASIAN ACCENT)
Stick a chilli up his arse.

That's a trick my old man
used to do, get his greyhounds

to run faster. You should try it
at your school sports day.

Cheers.

Right. I told you to ignore it
when people call you names,

but at some point you gotta say
something cos otherwise it becomes humiliating.

So not ignore it?
Cos I did that yesterday

and they started
calling me Deaf Boy.

Right. That is it. The next time one
of them

says something, you hit back. Yeah.

So it wasn't just the voice,
he did the head wiggle?

Was it you, though?
Maybe the newsagent

he was slagging off was Asian.

Yeah, Lemon. That's racism.

Oh, yeah. It's bad.

I don't know why you're suddenly
against him, when yesterday

he was totally racist about your
dad.

Well, they were kind of mates,
and he wasn't really being racist

about Dad, more like...
everyone that looks like Dad.

Why am I making excuses
for this prick?

Oh, yeah, that's right.
Cos he's a massive psycho.

Do you want a pint?
No, it's all right.

I brought my own.
This isn't a bring-your-own place,

and when did you start drinking
vodka and orange?

That's orange and ginger,
blueberry, and spinach.

I got the recipe off Natasha's feed.

They're amazing. You should start
selling them behind your bar.

Why? This is a pub.
People drink alcohol.

Can I get one of those? No. Yeah.
You can have my afternoon shot. I can make another one easy.

Right, fine. If you're gonna do that,
we're gonna add vodka.

You happy, Julie? You're getting
your cocktails. Mixology's about more than just adding vodka.

Er, it's not mixology,
it's cocktail-making.

It's not a science, you don't see me
calling pulling a pint "pumpology".

Well, maybe add some chilli honey
or like, gold leaf.

Yeah, or some rhino shit
and fairy wings...

What the fuck are you talking about?
Both of you, calm down.

You can't add alcohol to these,
I'm detoxifying myself.

I was thinking of starting a detox.

Apparently, erm, it's really good
for concentration.

And I'm behind the wheel
a lot for work, so...

So that's good. And, it says here,

?10 for every 100 people
I get to sign up to the app.

Lee, that's like, 10p per convert.
It's a shit wage. It's a pyramid scheme.

Worse than the people that
had to make the pyramids

cos at least when they were done
they could go, "Oh, look, I've done a pyramid."

(MOBILE RINGING)

I hope you're happy. You've turned
my pub into a juice bar.

The school have just rung.
We've got to go in for a meeting. Charlie's hit someone.

Yeah. Well, maybe he's working
off the energy from that spirulina you gave him.

What a bitch.
The head teacher?

The mum of the kid Charlie hit.

If he's anything like his mum,
he deserved it.

Why, what's she done?
Er, ruined my juice boost page.

Look at this.
"Shame your son doesn't,

"hashtag, love life.
Why is he so full of hate?

"Maybe spend less time taking
selfies and more time

"disciplining your son."

Mrs Ranganathan... Oh,
and Mr Ranganathan,

I'm surprised to see you here.
Shall we?

Well, I'm glad you're here.
Charlie's explanation

for attacking Jackson was that
you'd told him to hit back.

No, I didn't. Well, I mean,
I did say those words,

but I didn't mean it literally,
I meant hit back verbally.

Mrs Ranganathan? Mm?

Sorry, it's... Work emergency.
Alison sacked you for your low like rate?

We have an emergency here.
I don't understand why you would

tell your son to attack another
pupil, verbally or otherwise.

Well, there had been
some instances of name-calling.

Bullying. That I had made
his teacher aware of

but she may not have taken them
on board. It's not her fault,

it's just that there are a lot of
parents talking to her, and, er...

You didn't speak to her, did you?

No, no, I did, erm, but she may not

be able to... verify that.

Charlie also said he was upset

because a man told him he shoved
chillies up dogs' anuses,

and wanted to do
the same to children.

He's taken that out of context.
What was the context?

A friend was talking about
greyhound racing and how they did the thing with chillies,

it's probably like an urban myth
or something. Anyway,

he joked about the possibility
of doing that at school sports day.

Well, that's exactly
how Charlie described it.

Right. And this was
a friend of yours?

He's a bit of a rough diamond,
it was sort of just, banter.

What friend? Dirty Harry.
Ugh. Well, that...

That's a nickname, he's
not a rogue cop or anything, he's a regular at the pub. Right.

Is Charlie spending time in the pub?

No, this was on the street.

It won't happen again. No,
none of this will happen again.

We'll need to draw up
a contract of behaviour.

Can we get one for him
while we're at it?

Well, at least we don't
have to have a conference with Jackson's parents.

I would have twatted his mum.

Actually, I'm tempted to twat you.

You need to bar Harry.
It's complicated,

you don't know him.
Er, yeah, I do.

I remember
warning your dad he was dodgy.

Someone used our firm to sue him
for a holiday flat

he rented them in Spain,
which he used as an S & M club.

You shouldn't have people like that
in a pub, it'll put new people off.

Well, that's a very snobbish
attitude, isn't it? Hashtag judgemental.

It's not snobbish to be
judgemental about criminals.

Judging criminals
is how the law works.

He's one of the oldest regulars.
Well, if you don't bar him, I will.

Will he be there now?
I will deal with it, OK?

You've got to go back to work.
No, I need a drink.

Lemon... Get out of here,
get out of here. Get out of here!

What are you doing? Are you
dealing out the back of the pub?

Lemon, I'm a lawyer.
I can't turn a blind eye to this,

my kids live upstairs. It's
nothing serious, it's just pills.

I know you wouldn't want me
doing it in the pub.

Mate, I could lose my licence.

It was always on the cards. And
you're not gonna lose it from anything I'm doing.

No, no, don't look in the bag!

Vitamins and psyllium husks?

Lemon, take a deep breath
and think about the direction

your life is headed in, mate.

I found a better deal than Lee.
All right? If I can get

ten extra juice boost members,
then I get

secret extra energy juice recipes,
plus...

..I get a free hoodie.

You two are pathetic.
I called it as a cult.

Yeah, well, you let Dirty Harry
wobble his head at you.

Rom, what does this guy have to do

to get barred? He's bullying you.

This is why your advice
to Charlie was so stupid.

If you ignore bullies, you not only
destroy your own self-esteem,

you empower them.
Hashtag bollocks.

Oh, drop the hashtag thing, Rom.

Dirty Harry? The bank had a problem
with the Scottish notes.

They can't have, it's legal tender.
You must have had a racist teller.

No, they know it's legal tender,
it's just that the notes are forged.

That's it. He's broken the law.
Specific ones

I could bore you with
by naming them, but you need to call the police.

No. I will handle this man-to-man.

Pint.

This real?

We've had a problem
with 50s recently.

I just got it out of the ATM.

You got a Scottish note
from an English ATM?

That's what I said.

They real?
Unless you know different.

You gave them to me.

Give us it back.

You know what? Forget it.

I prefer Dave Foster's place.

Much better atmosphere.

Who stuck a chilli up HIS arse?

So proud of you!
That is the single bravest thing I have ever seen in my life.

Although you are still out
of pocket after all the pints he bought earlier.

Yeah. And you still have
a load of fake notes.

Who cares? This is a result.
Fake notes at Foster's.

And we can do some good
with these ones.

By defrauding a charity?
It's spina bifida anyway,

I think they cured it
in the '80s, didn't they?

Guys, I'm joking.

What, too soon?

(SIGHS) Sorry about the way
I handled things, Charlie.

I was actually being
bullied a bit myself, and I didn't want to admit it.

Was it that guy who talked
about dogs' bums?

Er, yes, it was that guy who talked
about dogs' bums,

but he's not gonna be around
any more. So don't worry.

And listen,

Spider-Man can fly
if you want him to.

Cool. Can he go underwater
like the diving bell spider?

Sure. Why not? And he can even drive
the Batmobile as well if you want.

Don't be stupid.
Batman's in the DC Universe,

Spider-Man's Marvel.

Congratulations, you can still be my
son. Good night.

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