All language subtitles for Pramface s03e05 Enchanted Picnic.eng

- Deep down you are still crazy about me.
- No. I'm not.

You know I love you both very much.

It's only your father I can't stand.

This marriage is officially over.

Look, Laura, Jamie isn't interested
in you any more. He's moved on.

It's really over.

Oh!

Morning, handsome. Morning.

I made you breakfast.

Oh, thanks. It's...

It's you.
It's a fried version of me.

You shouldn't have.

Oh, it's fine.
I love having you here.

It definitely beats
being in a caravan.

You know you can stay over
even when we don't...

Oh, I hope you don't think that...
Cos I'm not like that.

No, no. I'm just saying it's cool.

Oh, OK. Cool.

Mm.

So, what are we doing tonight?

I'm working late tonight
then I'm looking after Emily for a couple of hours.

Emily again?

What? Is that not...?
Oh, no, it's fine.

I just thought we might
do something different.

We could go to yours.
I'd love to meet your parents.

Maybe we can all have dinner
or something?

Er, yeah, if you want to eat Super
Noodles next to a chemical toilet.

There you go again, backing off.

What? I'm not.

I feel like you're tucking me away
in a box separate from everything else in your life.

You're compartmentalising me.

I'm not. I don't compartmentalise.
I don't even have a pants drawer.

You come here after work,
I cook for you,

we have sex
and then you leave again.

Sometimes I feel like
you're only staying here because you hate the caravan so much.

Well, that's not true.

I mean, I do hate the caravan but...

Look, tomorrow
I'll get the night off.

We'll go out on a proper date
and we won't have any sex.

I promise.

OK. Good.

Now eat your face
before it gets cold.

Women for women against poverty,
AIDS and domestic abuse.

Ooh, catchy(!)

Um, Madam, hi.

Can I talk to you about
female genital mutilation? No.

Yeah, that's right. Walk away.

Feminism has got you this far so
just kick everyone else to the curb.

Beth, what are you doing?

Appealing to her conscience,
not that she has one.

I mean, it's such a nice day,
why are you wasting your time collecting for the college charity?

I'm not wasting my time. What
happened to social responsibility?

What these women really need is...

Is what? Wells and stuff.

Hey, you must be Beth.

Hi. I must be. Um, I am.

So I'm Ben, I'm coordinating
the collection today.

Oh, OK, great.

It's nice to see you
getting stuck in.

Yeah, well, thanks.
I mean, I love women.

Not in that way.
I mean, like, just poor ones.

Yeah, I love poor women too.

Yeah, I love women too. We all love
women, so why don't you just...?

OK, great. So I think we've been
stationed outside Marks & Spencer's.

OK, cool.
Er, that wasn't my boyfriend.

No? Just in case you were wondering.

I wasn't. OK.

Mum! Bloody hell!

Well, it's lovely to see you too,
darling.

You're back? Yes, of course I am.

I'm not going to let your father
divorce me behind my back, am I?

Well, can I come in? Of course.
But are you staying with me?

I thought it'd be fun.

It'll give me a chance to look
after my little girl.

Here, take my bags. Oh, OK.

And you can put them...

Mm, put them in the bedroom.

And you can have this lovely
big living room.

Thanks.

You know Nicola's single now?
Nicola who?

Nicola Berry, my mate.

I was talking to her
about your friend Mike

and I thought maybe we should
bring them along tomorrow night, make it a double date.

Oh, no, no. She wouldn't like him.

Come on. I bet he's hot,
clever, sophisticated.

Are you worried I might like him
better than you?

Er, no, that's not it.

Because I only have eyes for you.

No, Isabel, seriously,
it's a bad idea.

You know, you keep making
excuses, Jamie.

Every time I try bringing us closer
together, you keep pulling away.

That's not... I don't.

I just want to be part of your life,
you know?

OK, fine. I'll bring Mike.
Oh, yes!

Support women. Please, ladies,
support all women. Um, sir?

Did you know that just
a one-off donation could provide...

So you won't spend two quid
on a refuge shelter but you'll waste three on a sausage roll?

Hi. Hey, Ben. Hey, Beth,
how are you doing over here?

Yeah, really good.
I'm loving it here. You know, on the front line, getting in their faces.

Yeah? Yeah.

I wonder if maybe we might need to
tweak your technique a tiny bit?

You seem a bit tense
and you're frowning a lot.

Aha! We just need
a bit more positivity.

Yeah, absolutely.

And it's weird because I'm usually
such a positive person, and fun.

But also very deep and passionate.
I think it's because I care...

I'm going to get Lily to talk to you.
She's one of our top fundraisers. You'll love her. Lily?

Hey, Benny. This is Beth. She's new.

She'd love you to give her
a few pointers. (Please.)

Of course I can, Benny.
Can you take my bucket? Of course.

Bye.

So the first thing to remember
about fundraising is

people aren't interested in charity.
They're interested in you.

So think of a fake compliment
to hook them in, like,

"That is such a gorgeous sweater!"

We both know I'm lying
but you're still listening. Right.

Also try, like, a half-smile

so it's clear you're sad
for the orphans

but also experienced sexually.
Does that actually work?

Oh, yeah, every time.

You're late. I'm two minutes late.
She was napping.

Oh, great, so she won't sleep
through tonight then. Thanks, Jamie.

You're welcome.

So you've got her from four
tomorrow, right?

Actually I can't tomorrow.
What are you doing?

Going out with Isabel.

Um, what am I supposed
to tell our child?

"I'm sorry Daddy can't look after
you. He's too busy having sex with his slut."

She's not a slut.
She's an estate agent.

She can be both.
And we need to talk about money.

What about money?
You should be making a monthly maintenance payment.

Why would I need to do that?

Because tarty girlfriends
are expensive

and I don't want you blowing all
Emily's money on bimbo gifts. But...

I will draw up some figures and
I will let you know what I expect.

Finally heard from Janet's lawyer.
She's stalling on every detail.

It's like she's trying to eek it out
to punish you.

Now where's my shoe?

Thanks. It must have been
when I um...

Yeah.
Impressive flexibility, by the way.

Maybe if I spoke to her direct it
might speed things along a little?

I strongly discourage you
from contacting her.

Perhaps if we gave a little ground,
it might help us get this over and done with.

You know what she's like.
You show any weakness

and she'll seize on it
like a lion on a baby gazelle.

You must remember that
from your marriage.

You have to trust your lawyer, Alan.
Huh.

Right, 7:15. So what was that?
About 40 minutes?

I'll round it up to the hour.

Sorry, are you charging me for this?

If I didn't charge you, people would
get suspicious and I don't want to look unprofessional.

But the full hour? It wasn't
my choice to stop when we did.

I would have been very happy to
carry on for another 20 minutes.

So would I but then you did that
thing with your flexibility.

Very tough negotiator, aren't you?

That's what you pay me for.

Now get out of here before
I tip you into the next hour.

Hm.

So, um, on the house contents issue.

I've got a list. It's not in here.

It was in here. Never mind that.

Did you lodge my request
for a more specific breakdown of Alan's finances?

Yes. And they didn't feel
that it was appropriate.

I know you need the money,
but I just don't think it's worth

the heartache for the difference
it'll make to the settlement.

And that's your professional
opinion, is it?

I've found that drawn-out
entrenched negotiations

don't generally benefit the client.

Perhaps that's because
you're the one who's been carrying out these negotiations.

Speaking just as a human
and not as a lawyer,

why spend all that time stuck in
a room with someone you can't stand?

Wouldn't it be better to just give
some ground and get it over with?

No. Mustn't show any weakness.

And from now on, please don't try
speaking to me as a human again.

How's the sexual exploitation
of women going? Awful.

BUCKET RATTLES

And that's not even money,
that's a breath mint.

Oh, Beth, just forget it.
Why don't you come back to mine?

I've got FIFA 13
and some scotch eggs.

We could microwave them,
make it a bit exotic. Mmm.

Wow. And no.

Oh. I can't give up.
Not until I've beaten Lily.

It's so unfair.

I care so much more than she does
but she's making all the money.

You know she pole danced on
the fourth plinth for Women's Aid?

Well, you could do that. You've just
got to work on your core muscles.

Not my point. Hey, Beth. Hey.

Glad you had that chat with Lily.
God, she's great, isn't she?

Charming, friendly, charismatic.

Bendy.

Yeah, she's great.

And she's put herself up
for the slave auction tomorrow.

I've never met anyone
so selflessly generous.

What is it? What's the thing?

It's at college.
Highest bidder wins a date.

You have to be their slave
for the evening.

Lily is going to make a mint.

I'll do it. Really?

Yeah, I'll do anything to end
the sexual exploitation of women. Anything.

Yeah, OK, sure.

Yeah, we've got to consider
a wide range of budgets.

Yeah, the more the merrier.

Hm, so you're going to stop
the sexual exploitation of woman

by literally selling yourself
to the highest bidder?

I'm aware of the irony.

Look, Beth,
it's my duty as man friend,

to point out that Ben
might have other motives.

I mean, what if
he's trying to lure you there to take advantage of you sexually?

Do you think he might?

So is there no room
for movement here?

Well, I am prepared to consider...
Absolutely none.

And I'm amazed you think
you're in any position to negotiate.

Your client abandoned her husband
while he was still recovering from a serious head injury.

He was better.

She packed her bags,
hopped on a plane,

and shortly after landing
began an extramarital affair.

Well, that's something
of a mischaracterisation.

No, that's a list of facts.

Be that as it may,
we really must insist on

at least the early liquidation
of the shared assets. Why?

If my client is to re-establish her
base over here she'll need funds.

So you're coming back?
I may be considering it.

Your client's housing crisis
is not our problem.

Yes, it is.
I do not have a housing crisis.

Not that she has a housing crisis.
Then why does she need the funds?

She doesn't.

Then what's the problem?

I'm sorry, Hugh,
were you not in the same room?

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Because to me it seemed like
a bloody disaster. Sh!

What's the matter? I'm trying
to get Emily off to sleep.

I have to go.

Is it really worth all this, Mum?

Absolutely. These are the final
exchanges of our marriage

and I'm damned if I'm going to lose
at the last moment.

Oh, didn't realise marriage
was something you won or lost.

Well, that's because
you've never been married.

Anyway, I thought
it was Jamie's night?

Oh, yeah, it is
but he's seeing his girlfriend.

You see, that is exactly
the problem.

We are stuck here holding the baby

while Jamie and your father
are out having sex.

I for one don't intend to let them
get away with it.

I can't believe that you are.

I don't want to do it.

All right, seriously,
I need this double date to go well.

What's the matter with you?
I'm having woman pains.

I don't think that means
what you think it means.

What is it?

It's Beth. What about Beth?

She's been fawning over
this stupid guy

and it's disgusting
what I have to put up with.

OK, can you just make an effort
for me?

He's not even that good looking

and she thinks he's this deep
charity guy but he's just a dick.

Not that I care, obviously.
I mean, she can do what she wants.

That's the spirit.
My advice is to just move on.

Oh, and if you could move on
in the next five minutes, you'd do me a real favour.

Hiya. Hiya.

Looks like they're really
hitting it off. Does it? Yeah.

Think you might have to thank me
in the best man speech.

And do you know what is disgusting?

When women degrade
themselves for men. Absolutely.

When they change their entire
persona just to please someone else.

God, why aren't more men like you?

Like, sometimes, I want to be
appreciated for my brains

not just for looking hot.

Hey, listen.
I don't even care how hot you are.

Oh, my God.

Isabel? Um, I'm just...

So? Seems to be going very well,
doesn't it?

Do you think you'll get
another date out of it?

Don't know. Don't really care.

What? Why? She's hot.

Is she? I didn't notice.

Can't remember what her face looks
like. Can't even remember her boobs.

Seriously, what's wrong with you?
I don't know.

It's just I'm not bothered
about seeing her again. I don't...

I don't fancy her, Jamie.

Bye, Nicola. Bye.

Such a shame Mike
couldn't come back. They were really hitting it off.

Yeah, pity.

She really wants another date.
Isn't that great?

Your friends, my friends,
getting friendly.

Yeah. Are you sure
she's just not being nice?

For God's sake, Jamie,
what's your problem?

Don't you want our friends
to get on? No. Yes!

Look, to be honest,
when I talked to Mike he just didn't seem to fancy her.

What do you mean he didn't
fancy her? Nicola's easily an eight.

She's a nine in some places.

Whereas Mike's, like, a drunk four.

I don't know what it is.

But they were getting on
before you talked to him.

What did you say to him? Nothing.

I can't believe you'd sabotage this.
I didn't.

All I want is for you to give
this relationship a chance.

But no. You don't
even value me at all, do you?

Why don't you love me?

So I asked around and apparently
the affair ended very messily.

So it's definitely over then,
is it?

Yes. She's broke
and getting desperate.

Poor Janet. Yeah, poor Janet(!)

We're going to grill the bitch.
Cheers.

Morning, handsome. Morning.

I'm really sorry about last night.

I'm not usually this insecure.
I just really like you.

Forgive me?
I could make it up to you tonight.

I could do that thing you like
where I... No.

I'm looking after Emily this evening.
I switched nights, remember?

Maybe you could bring her here.

We could have a quiet night in,
just the three of us.

You want to spend the night
babysitting?

She's an important part of your life
and I want to get to know her.

OK. That's nice, I guess.

Yeah.

And I promise I won't pin her
in a corner and scream at her.

OK.

Heart.

So just to check, you're not going
to agree to point five? No.

We're not agreeing to any point.

And point five would be
one of those.

Well, I don't think that's going
to be acceptable to my client.

Right, Janet?

Well, Hugh, your client
isn't exactly on the moral or legal high ground here.

We know that she's been personally
and professionally humiliated

and clearly doesn't even have
the funds to afford decent council.

Why prolong her misery?

Yes, all right, Sally.
That's enough, thank you.

We agree to all Janet's demands.

No, we don't.
Alan, I advise you to just...

Yes, thank you for your advice.
We're done here now.

Fine. I'll have the papers
drawn up for signature.

Well, that went pretty well,
I think.

Really pulled it round there
at the end.

What? Nice to see you too.
It's my night, remember?

Oh, right, yeah.

We're going to
Aunty Isabel's, aren't we?

Oh, no, you're not.

Yes, we are.
Aunty Isabel wants to see you.

Isn't that exciting? No.

I'm not happy with Emily
spending time with Isabel.

She doesn't need some strange woman
waltzing into her life.

In fact, I hereby ban you
from seeing them together.

You can't ban me.
Yes, I can. I just did.

Laura!

Alan? Alan I er...

I just wanted to thank you
for taking the higher ground.

Not a place I'm used to.

Your lawyer didn't seem
very pleased. She'll get over it.

You see, Alan, the affair...

Well, I don't want to say that
we're even

but for what it's worth,
I forgive you.

And I hope that eventually
you'll be able to forgive me too.

Seems like a fair settlement.

And she is sold for ?65 to the
gentleman in denim.

APPLAUSE

Oh God, this was a mistake.

Don't worry.
You look totally affordable.

Next up we have tonight's big draw.

Everyone put your hands
together for Lily.

THEY CHEER

So, Lily, tell us
a little bit about yourself.

Well, a few fun reasons you should
bid on me tonight.

First of all,
I am a fully qualified masseuse.

WHOOPING

I nearly represented the US
in the 2012 Olympics

as a member
of the rhythmic gymnastics squad,

but had to drop out as my moves were
considered too distractingly sexual.

And a fun fact about me
is that I reject the social convention of underwear.

So, who'll start the bidding on Lily?

?20. 30. 50. 50?

80. I have 80. 90. 100!

?100.
Oh, I can't let you go for that.

150. Sold! To me.

Oh, and also Beth.

SCATTERED APPLAUSE

Um, hello.

MICROPHONE WHISTLES

My name is Beth.

I'm passionate about helping people
less fortunate than myself...

..by providing them with
the tools they need to make an effective change.

Um, microfinancing...

So who will start
the bidding on this young lady?

Remember, she comes with a drinks
voucher worth ?10.

?5.

?5. Any advance on five?

Right, ?5, anyone?

All right, every little helps.
I'm selling her at five.

600!

Sold to that guy. Congratulations.

I'm sorry, Beth, I couldn't bear
to stay at home

while these animals
scrabbled around,

fighting over your body like
you're just a sexy piece of... ham.

Mike... No, Beth, no.

You deserve someone who's going
to appreciate you for who you really are,

not when you're pretending to be
someone fun or charismatic or nice.

I mean when you're being yourself.

I just want to give you a really
special evening, Beth.

Even if it's just as friends.

Now, come on.
Let's get you out of here.

I am going to buy you
a bucket of boneless chicken.

Don't applaud.

I don't want your pity.

Stand aside.

Where are you going to find
that kind of cash?

Well, I thought
we could go halvsies. No way!

What? Come on,
I thought modern women were all about splitting the bill.

There's got to be some advantages
to feminism.

God, my arms are killing.
Have you put on weight?

Ow!

Bloody walk yourself.

SHE GIGGLES

What is this? Surprise!

Wow! This is really...

Magical, isn't it? Yeah.

So, welcome, fair knight.

Oh, OK.

This is for you. Oh.

It's for a 12-year-old but I thought
you could leave the Velcro open.

So where's Emily?

Hm? Oh, Emily?
Yeah, she couldn't make it.

What do you mean
she couldn't make it?

Oh, I'm sorry.
But hey, I'm free this evening

so why don't we go somewhere
a little less enchanted grotto-y?

Maybe go out somewhere?

Dressed like this?
Are you mentally ill?

No. You could change.

Ugh! I don't want to.

I'm trying to make a genuine
connection with you

and you're just crapping all over
my enchanted picnic. I'm not.

Look, Isabel,
it's all Laura's fault. She said...

Oh, it's always someone
else's fault.

How much of an idiot
do you think I am, Jamie?

I don't think you're an idiot.
And this picnic's lovely. Although...

Shouldn't they really be dwarves?
What?

Well, it's just that princesses don't
really go with teddy bears.

I mean, if you were Goldilocks
and there were fewer bears...

Oh, I'm sorry. Is my picnic not
factually accurate enough for you?

I only spent the last nine and a
half hours putting this together.

But yeah, you're right!
It's not good enough.

I tell you what? Why don't I get rid
of some of these bears for a start?

Ow. OK. Isabel don't take it out
on the other guests.

Oh, and we won't need
all these cupcakes, will we?

No, no, no. Ow! OK.
Those cupcakes are hard. Ow!

Oh, so I can't even bake now?

No, no, they're light as air.
Light as air. Look, light as air.

Ah! There she is!

Jeez, Evelyn,
what are you doing here?

I thought I'd surprise you
what with it being Emily's birthday party and all.

Jamie, you're such a nice guy.
Oh, yeah, that's me.

I'm not just going to ditch her.

Well, you say it's not her,
it's you. You've changed. Yes.

More specifically,
you've changed into someone who can't stand the sight of her.

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