Original subtitles

- Hey, Calvin.

- [sniffs and clears throat]

Guess what. - What?

- Got a special guest coming by the bar tonight.

Got a call from the Phoenix chapter

Of the wish it true foundation.

They've got a terminally-ill boy who wants to hang out with us.

- Is he gonna die here?

- Well, he could, but we'll deal with that

When it happens.

Anyway, the woman told me the boy's name is Zach

And that his lifelong dream is to be a professional bartender.

- That's stupid.

I always figure if you have a lifelong dream,

It would be something cool like, um...

Fitness model or Terminator.

- Yeah, well, maybe he wants to be a bartender

- Basement?

- I didn't... no. No, no.

Anyway, he'll be here later.

- Cool.

If we had a basement, you'd tell me about it, right?

- Yes.

Sync by n17t01 www.addic7ed.com

- ♪ we ain't never gonna change ♪

♪ we ain't doing nothing wrong ♪

♪ we ain't never gonna change ♪

♪ so shut your mouth and play along ♪

[door opens] - the hell are you doing?

- Nothing. - You're sniffing a sweater.

- So? - Is that Karen's old sweater?

Oh, my God. Throw it out!

- No!

It still has her scent on it. I wanna keep it.

- Ken, you guys got divorced, like, three years ago.

Get rid of it. That woman was terrible.

She practically kept your balls in her purse.

Throw it out.

Give me the sweater.

I'll throw it out for you. - No.

Look, okay, maybe you're right,

But I'm gonna throw it out myself, all right?

It's not gonna be easy.

- Let me tell you, nobody's gonna remember

The lyrics to snoop Dogg songs.

- Hey, guys, come here.

You're not gonna believe this. - What's up?

- I was just in the office and I caught Ken

Sniffing his ex-wife's sweater.

- Eww. - Yeah, that's effed up, right?

I think we need to help Ken get over Karen, okay?

I think we all know the way to do that.

- [giggles] yeah.

- [chuckles] yeah.

[laughing harder]

- Calvin?

Calvin, do you know what I mean?

Okay, I meant we need to get Ken laid.

Ken hasn't had pussy since he broke up with Karen.

Pardon my language. - Oh, wow.

- First person to get Ken laid wins $1,000 for me.

- I have the perfect girl for him.

She'll have sex with anything.

- Trevan, let me talk to mom.

- Hey, I thought you were gonna throw that out.

- Nah, I'm gonna take it to my storage locker instead.

- What storage locker?

This looks like a serial killer's lair.

- It's just some old stuff I'm hanging on to.

- This is all the stuff you gave Karen during your marriage?

Oh, my God, Ken. Look at this place.

- You're making a big deal out of nothing.

- Oh, my God.

You built a shrine to Karen.

- It's not a shrine. - It is a shrine!

You got to get rid of this stuff, Ken.

- No.

What if Karen comes back

And she finds out I've thrown out all her stuff?

- She wants no memory of you and you want

Every memory of her.

That's exactly what's going on.

- We're having a hiccup in our relationship.

- You got to move on and the first thing to do

Is get rid of all of this junk.

All you need is a little momentum, all right?

Trust me. It's not gonna be easy,

But it'll be quick.

[soft pop music]

♪ ♪

- [gasping]

- They're just things. They're just things.

- So every great bartender has his own way of, like,

Organizing his liquors and stuff.

The way I like to do it is, like,

"brown" goes "down" there.

And if it's "clear" I put it over "here."

And then all, like, the juices

And the different colored ones just go anywhere.

- You need to get organized.

You might want to start with the whiskeys,

Single-malt, Irish, blended, bourbon, rye...

- Yeah, it's really cool that you know all that stuff,

But it's time to cut lemons.

Lemons are, like, really important in a bar.

It's the hammer in the bartender's toolkit.

Cut the tips off first.

And you got to be careful not to cut huge pieces.

And you can't just cut a lemon into weird shapes,

'cause people get mad at you when you do that.

And never, ever put lemons in your mouth

And then in someone's drink.

You cut a whole lemon?

That's a pretty cool machine you got there.

Those lemons are really... those are pretty good.

- All right, this is it.

- Oh, I'm gonna keep that one.

- What are you talking about?

- Well, those are Karen's teardrop angels.

They were really special to us.

- All right.

- Hey!

The hell's the matter with you?

I just told you that was important to me!

- They're hideous. You don't need 'em.

- They're not hideous. They're beautiful.

Each one of those commemorates a significant event

In Karen and my relationship.

That's the time we went whale-watching in Nantucket.

- Oh, actually, that's kind of sentimental.

All right.

- You... come on!

- You're getting rid of everything.

You're going cold Turkey on Karen.

- All right, fine.

I'll get rid of them, but I'm not throwing them out.

I'm gonna put them on Ebay so someone else can enjoy them.

- Maybe a blind person. - Oh, shut up.

- That's a good joke. - Shut up.

- Hey, can I get a rosewater Rickey?

- Yeah, sure.

It's the perfect opportunity for me to show you

The most important part of being a bartender,

Which is making drinks.

First thing you do when someone orders a drink

Is you pull out your bartender's guide.

So you look up what he wanted

And it'll tell you what to put in it.

Rosewater Rickey. Rosewater Rickey.

Yeah, there's no such thing as that.

I'm sorry. It just doesn't exist.

- One rosewater Rickey coming up.

- Thanks.

[chuckles]

- That's a pretty cool looking drink.

- Go put 'em on Ebay right now.

- Hey, Bruce, you got to try this rosewater Rickey.

- Mmm. Awesome.

- That new kid is quite the mixologist.

- Calvin's not really new.

- Oh, he's not talking about Calvin.

He's talking about Zach. - Oh, my God.

What's that kid going behind the bar?

- He's from the wish it true foundation, okay?

His dying wish is to be a bartender for a few days.

- He can't serve alcohol.

We'll lose our license.

- Yeah, I guess we could, Ken,

Lose our measly little alcohol vending license

Or we could have died 30 years ago from some illness

In the prime of our life.

Have a heart, tin man.

That is good. I'm gonna get me one.

- Hey, Ken. Oh, my God.

This is so funny.

This is Jackie.

I've always wanted you to meet her

And here you guys are together.

- Oh, hi. How you doing?

Nice to meet you. - So odd.

Why don't you guys sit down?

- Oh, actually I got work to do.

- Yeah, but you can take a quick break.

- Okay.

- Just take a seat.

Get to know each other a little bit.

You guys are both attractive people

And I'm sure you both will have a lot to talk about,

Shared interests and whatnot.

- Okay, okay. We'll talk.

- Okay.

- Hi, attractive person. [chuckles]

- Hello, attractive person.

- That was awkward.

So where do you know Barb from?

- Uh, we're in the same women's circle.

- Okay.

- It's a place where we can just support each other

And empower each other.

- Oh, my father was in the elks.

- Sorry, you guys.

Looks like I just won the contest.

- No. - Yep.

I just introduced Ken to the neediest woman

In the world, so.

- The blonde?

- Yeah.

- She's not gonna go for him. - No.

- Looks like I will be able to start my mall kiosk.

- I have a problem with suicidal tendencies.

Uh, I think about it and then I try it.

That's happened a lot of times.

- Oh. - So.

Yeah, um, I just haven't been successful yet.

You actually look familiar.

I had a night terror the other night

And there was a man standing at the foot of the bed

Just sort of, like, convulsing and spitting out blood.

It wasn't you, but...

- Well, maybe he got hurt while he was

Trying to protect you.

- Yeah, maybe.

- Oh, is that my brother calling me?

- Um, so what's in your box?

- Oh, uh...

My wife and I are divorced

And these are some gifts that I used to give her

Every anniversary and birthday.

They're called teardrop angels.

Each one of them's supposed to be crying

For a different misery in the world.

And it's just something to make you think about,

You know, that the world needs people to care.

I was holding on to them on the outside chance

That we'd get back together.

- Um...

I'm sorry.

That... that shit's messed up.

Um...

I can't.

I can't handle a nutcase, you know?

It's really weird, so I hope you get that fixed.

- [chuckles]

- Ha, ha, ha!

And it looks like the game is still on.

- Hey. Ken, right?

- Hi, Zach.

How are you enjoying bartending?

- Pretty good.

I just spent time organizing your liquors

Based on how popular they are.

- Really? - Yeah.

- Been trying to get Calvin to do that for years.

- Ken, you said you were gonna get rid

Of the teardrop angels and sell 'em on Ebay.

Wasn't that the plan?

- I think they add a touch of class to the bar.

- To the sports bar?

What the hell are you thinking?

- I guess what I was thinking is that

If I decorated the bar with them,

Maybe someday Karen comes in,

She sees I'm still thinking about her,

And we'll get back together.

- I'm sorry, buddy.

Look, I guess I know you're really hurting.

I shouldn't be so crass about your feelings, okay?

- Aah!

- Get rid of the teardrop angels or I'll do it for you.

It's what you need to do.

- Hey, Zach? - Yeah?

- Frank wants you to be his bartender.

- What you need? - Give me an Irish whiskey.

- All right.

Neat? - Please.

- All right.

Frank, you look like someone that's drinking away pain.

- You hit the nail on the head, kid.

Lady troubles again.

Another one broke my heart.

- Well, you do know what they say.

Love is convincing yourself that one girl

Is different from all the rest.

- Wow.

You really put it in perspective for me, kid.

- No problem.

- Hey, uh, Louie?

You know, uh, it was once said

That love is convincing a girl that...

You're not one.

- Can you send over the other bartender?

- Sure.

- Hey, Ken.

Um, there's a really hot woman over there.

She needs to talk to a manager.

- Okay, I'll see what she wants.

- [mouths silently] that's him.

- Hi, my name's Ken.

I'm the manager. How can I help you?

- [chuckles]

I have a complaint, Ken.

- Okay.

- Your face isn't in my tits.

- [chuckles] okay.

- That's my complaint. - All right.

- So really what is the complaint?

- I have one complaint. - Okay.

- I have a real complaint. - Okay.

- My tits don't have your face in them.

- Okay, do you have a real complaint?

- I do have a real complaint. - Okay.

- My tits told me they want your face in them.

- That's still the face in the tits.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Do you have a complaint about...

- It's called a "motorboat."

- [chuckles] okay.

- Are these yours?

- Yes, they are. - Oh, no wonder.

You're a fag, okay. No problem.

- Excuse me? - Yeah, I get it.

Every girl needs a gay friend.

I could be your friend.

- These happen to be trophies from my marriage.

- Trophies of homosexuality.

- I'm not homosexual!

- I'd be angry too if I wasn't allowed to marry.

- You tell me what on earth is homosexual

About a crying angel?

- Everything.

See you later, Ken.

- What is the matter with you?

- You think that these are homosexual?

- Very. [sighs]

- I know you've told me not to call,

But I just wanted to give you your chance.

Apparently they're worth a lot of money on Ebay.

I'm not trying to tell you how you feel.

- Hi, Karen!

It's Bruce. - Bruce is here.

- Hi, Karen. - Enough.

Bruce is being ridiculous. That's all.

Stop it.

Karen, please just consider...

What are you doing?

- "I'm burning!" - stop it.

- "Karen!" - I'm not talking to you.

Stop it! - "Karen, save me!"

- I'm sorry I have to go. I love you.

Don't tell me I can't tell you I love you!

- "Ken's mutilating me." - op it!

- Why are you talking to Karen?

You should be on Ebay selling these pieces of crap.

- I was trying to get rid of them in my own way.

- That woman is poison. Stay away from her.

- She's not poison.

- She used to ground you, Ken.

- They weren't groundings.

Those were intimacy restrictions.

We were restricted from other activities

In order to be intimate.

- You obviously can't sell these, so I'll do it myself.

- [scoffs] fine.

- Good.

We'll make a little money on Ebay.

- Make sure you get a good price.

- No man goes to a cunnilingus class against his will.

- It wasn't against my will. I enjoyed it.

They had dolls like Resusci Annies

And it was very instructive.

- That woman took a shot at you with a gun.

- It was not a real gun. You always bring that up.

It was a highly-pumped BB gun.

I mean, she's the love of my life.

I mean, I know people thought

That she was abrasive because she'd tell them

That she was bored with them and stuff like that, but...

- Ken, there's a lot of fish in the sea...

But how many of those are your great white whale?

Sometimes you're just gonna have to go after Moby Dick.

- Yes. Yes!

You know, I really appreciate you talking to me.

Sometimes I feel like there's no one at this bar

I can confide in.

- No problem.

- Can I ask you something? - Yeah.

- Hey, Ken, what's up? You seem bummed.

- Yeah, look, could you go break down

Some boxes in the back, please?

- Yeah.

- Would you be willing to mediate

Between Karen and me?

Night.

- Hey.

Are you still open?

- Oh, actually, we're just closing.

- Oh. - But you know what?

We could make an exception.

Get you a drink in just under the wire.

- Thank you.

I really could use one.

- Oh, yeah? - Yes.

I had a very long day.

It's boring. - No, no.

Tell me about it.

- Uh...

I'm in a restaurant-management training program.

It's really difficult. - No way.

- Yeah, it's kind of kicking my ass.

- I'm a graduate of soup ranch university.

- You're kidding me. - Uh-huh.

- Ugh, I applied there and I didn't get in.

- Hey, don't beat up on yourself.

- I mean, I was wait-listed.

I just couldn't wait that long.

- I know. I know.

It's pretty competitive.

I think my essay got me in.

Hardest three weeks of my life.

- I believe that. - But don't worry.

You're gonna look back on this training

And you're gonna realize it was the most

Meaningful experience of your life.

- Really? - Yes.

And you're gonna walk away with the knowledge

That successful restaurant management

Ultimately comes down to the eternal yin-yang

Between cost control...

Both: And customer satisfaction.

- [chuckles]

- Could I buy you that drink?

[ Histling melody]

- What's up, happy feet? - Oh, uh, nothing.

I just met a woman yesterday.

In fact, yesterday turned into last night

And we were intimate.

- Things are turning around for you, huh?

- Yeah, it was pretty special.

It wasn't your typical, "if you're done,

You can get off me now," type of thing.

- That's not typical.

- You're welcome, Ken.

Pay up. Gimme the grand.

Come on.

I'm only making $250 after I had to pay that broad off.

- Oh, no.

That woman was a prostitute?

- Yeah, of course she was a hooker.

You think anybody like that's gonna let you

Do the scissor kick with her for nothing?

Come on.

- So all that stuff about

Loving restaurant management...

That was a lie?

- Why you got to bring that up in front of him?

- What?

You act as if he's never had a pro

Snap his noodle before.

- He... ken? - Never?

- Never. - He's got to get out more.

- Oh, hey, Calvin. - Hey.

- I got some good news and d news.

My disease is in total remission.

I'm not gonna die anymore.

- That is good news and bad news.

- No, the bad news is I can't work at the bar anymore.

I have to go back to school.

- Really? This is awesome!

This is the best bad news I've ever heard.

- Hey, Zach, can we talk?

I'm going through some heavy stuff right now.

- Ken, maybe you should hire a shrink.

- What?

- Dude, women hate you. Get over it.

- Zach, sweetie?

It's time to go now.

You have all your stuff?

- Yep.

- What got into him?

- He's not sick anymore.

Hey, where's the money? - What do you mean?

What happened to the money?

- All the money's gone from the drawer.

[cell phone rings] - what?

[gasps] it's Karen!

Hi, Karen.

Yeah. Yeah, I still have 'em.

Absolutely.

All right, I'll see you then.

Karen wants the teardrop angels back.

Where's Bruce?

- He's in the alley.

Am I in trouble?

- Guess what!

- Pull.

- What are you doing?

- Smashing angels.

- You're supposed to be selling them online!

- It's so complicated, Ken.

You got to get bubble wrap, find the guy's address.

It's not worth it. Pull.

- What? No!

Oh! - [laughs]

- Karen... - home run!

- Karen wants the teardrop angels.

You see what that means? It's an olive branch.

She's reaching out to me.

She's giving me a chance.

- Well, you're lucky, Ken.

There's one left.

- If there's only gonna be one, that's a good one.

I got that for Karen the night

After we consummated our relationship.

- Pull.

- No!

- Well, I got to the bottom of that.

No such thing as the wish it true foundation.

That kid scammed us.

- Can't believe you put us through that.

- Just take it easy.

He made Calvin a better bartender.

- Don't try to find a silver lining.

And by the way, thank you for ruining my chances

Of getting back together with Karen.

- You're welcome.

Who wants to live with a woman

That controls what you watch on television?

- As long as she was asleep,

I could watch anything I wanted.

- No man should be married to a wife

Who says she has no sensation in her vagina.

- It was called hysterical vaginal paralysis

And it happens.

- Okay. - Excuse me.

- Hi there. - Hello.

- Excuse me a second.

- Thank you.

So, uh, I'm sure you know about last night.

- Yes, I do.

- I totally understand if you're angry.

- I'm not angry. I'm hurt.

I told you things about the soup ranch

That only a manager should know.

- For whatever it's worth,

I really do have an interest in restaurant management.

I can't be a call girl forever.

Listen, it's, um...

It's my night off.

Would you like to grab a cup of coffee, just talk?

- You're not getting paid to do this, are you?

- No.

- And you really do have an interest

In restaurant management?

- I do. I really do.

- I'd love to get a cup of coffee with you.

- Good.

- Just let me change my shirt.

- Okay.

- Hey, this isn't just for coffee, all right?

- You know what? Just keep it.

- No, no. I want you to...

- No.

- Really?

- I like him. He's a sweet guy.

- For free? - Yeah.

- Really? - Mm-hmm.

- [chuckles] wow, okay.

He's gone. - Thank you.

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