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1
00:00:03,875 --> 00:00:06,543
- Hey, what's up, Hickey?
- Calvin.
2
00:00:06,744 --> 00:00:09,798
- What are you bidding on?
- I got a couple of neat items here.
3
00:00:09,799 --> 00:00:12,191
I got Charles Barkley's retainer,
4
00:00:12,192 --> 00:00:14,959
and I got Thunder Dan Majerle's wristband.
5
00:00:14,960 --> 00:00:16,803
- Awesome.
- Not a bad start, huh?
6
00:00:16,804 --> 00:00:19,126
- Yeah, those will look great on the wall.
- Morning, guys.
7
00:00:19,127 --> 00:00:20,427
- What's up?
- Hickey.
8
00:00:20,428 --> 00:00:22,334
- Need something to do?
- I'm doing it.
9
00:00:22,335 --> 00:00:25,627
Okay, we really don't need
any more sports memorabilia.
10
00:00:25,628 --> 00:00:27,484
I'm just doing what I'm asked.
11
00:00:28,686 --> 00:00:31,222
- What the hell's that?
- Drink specials.
12
00:00:31,523 --> 00:00:33,476
What's a fart sandwich?
13
00:00:33,477 --> 00:00:37,066
Vodka, sweet vermouth,
and two tootsie rolls.
14
00:00:37,067 --> 00:00:38,735
Yeah. Okay, no.
Take it off.
15
00:00:38,736 --> 00:00:40,670
Well, Bruce told me
to put it up, so...
16
00:00:40,671 --> 00:00:42,971
Calvin, anytime my brother
tells you to do something,
17
00:00:42,972 --> 00:00:44,114
run it by me first.
18
00:00:44,115 --> 00:00:47,042
You know, Ken, when you guys
do stuff like this,
19
00:00:47,043 --> 00:00:48,676
one of you tells me
to do one thing,
20
00:00:48,677 --> 00:00:51,846
I get confused,
and it kind of affects me.
21
00:00:51,847 --> 00:00:53,680
- Are you crying?
- No.
22
00:00:58,292 --> 00:01:01,357
- Hey, what do you think of this? Yeah.
- Fart sandwich?
23
00:01:01,358 --> 00:01:03,992
It's awesome. We got so wasted
on them last night.
24
00:01:03,993 --> 00:01:06,297
Oh, yeah? What, you guys,
you got together last night?
25
00:01:06,298 --> 00:01:10,202
Yeah, we had, like, this after-party
where we all just got way drunk,
26
00:01:10,203 --> 00:01:14,074
and, God, Bruce was on fire.
27
00:01:14,075 --> 00:01:17,643
Yeah, I actually... I got together
with some of my friends too.
28
00:01:17,644 --> 00:01:21,483
We were at this...
Threw the football around.
29
00:01:21,484 --> 00:01:25,721
Everybody just, you know,
howling at the moon.
30
00:01:25,722 --> 00:01:28,324
And everyone's like,
"Hey! Look out!
31
00:01:28,325 --> 00:01:30,151
The party machine
is tearing loose."
32
00:01:30,152 --> 00:01:32,639
I'm like, "Hey, guys, come on.
I'm the party machine?"
33
00:01:32,640 --> 00:01:35,196
- Morning, everyone. Hi.
- Morning.
34
00:01:35,497 --> 00:01:38,433
Bruce and I just happened to run
into each other in the parking lot.
35
00:01:38,534 --> 00:01:40,969
Just had a very nice walk
over her.
36
00:01:41,270 --> 00:01:44,440
- So thank you very much for that.
- Thank you.
37
00:01:44,441 --> 00:01:47,455
And I know this outfit looks a
lot like the one I wore yesterday,
38
00:01:47,456 --> 00:01:50,981
but it's actually completely
different if you take a closer look.
39
00:01:51,582 --> 00:01:53,251
Thank you.
40
00:01:53,252 --> 00:01:55,220
- See you in a minute.
- Okay.
41
00:01:55,221 --> 00:01:56,522
Ken.
42
00:01:56,523 --> 00:01:58,759
- Bruce.
- Hickey.
43
00:01:58,760 --> 00:02:00,762
- Bruce.
- How are ya?
44
00:02:00,763 --> 00:02:04,645
- So, fart sandwich?
- It's awesome.
45
00:02:04,646 --> 00:02:07,178
Yeah. Next time you have an idea,
run it by me, please,
46
00:02:07,179 --> 00:02:09,143
so you don't waste
our employees' time.
47
00:02:09,144 --> 00:02:12,008
- I want it off the board.
- You're right, Ken. We're partners.
48
00:02:12,009 --> 00:02:14,545
I shouldn't make decisions
without getting your blessing.
49
00:02:14,546 --> 00:02:16,680
- I'm gonna take this off.
- Thank you.
50
00:02:16,681 --> 00:02:19,392
- That's very mature of you.
- No problem. We're a team.
51
00:02:19,893 --> 00:02:22,319
I'm not running my own
show here. We work together.
52
00:02:22,320 --> 00:02:24,788
Hey, Bruce, I got that thing
that you wanted.
53
00:02:24,789 --> 00:02:27,491
- Oh, great.
- Front window?
54
00:02:27,492 --> 00:02:29,693
Hey, wait, hold on.
What is it?
55
00:02:31,639 --> 00:02:33,719
PLAYERS
HOME OF THE FART SANDWICH
56
00:02:33,720 --> 00:02:35,666
God damn it!
57
00:02:36,000 --> 00:02:39,500
~ www.SubCentral.de ~
presents
58
00:02:40,000 --> 00:02:43,500
~ Players S01E02 ~
Grand Re-Opening
59
00:02:44,000 --> 00:02:47,500
~ Sync ~
extreme
60
00:02:52,000 --> 00:02:55,500
~ Transcript ~
addic7ed.com
61
00:02:57,758 --> 00:02:59,725
So in the future,
if someone vomits,
62
00:02:59,726 --> 00:03:02,354
don't just put up the
"Caution: Floor wet" sign.
63
00:03:02,355 --> 00:03:04,950
- Clean it up. Agreed?
- All right, we're done.
64
00:03:04,951 --> 00:03:07,501
All right, no, now we're on
to the fun part of the meeting.
65
00:03:07,502 --> 00:03:10,369
I had a dream last night,
and I got inspired.
66
00:03:10,670 --> 00:03:12,638
We're gonna have
a grand opening.
67
00:03:13,139 --> 00:03:14,840
We had a grand opening.
68
00:03:15,241 --> 00:03:18,009
No, that wasn't
a grand opening.
69
00:03:18,010 --> 00:03:21,480
Players is officially open.
70
00:03:23,400 --> 00:03:26,386
Next round's on players, boys.
Drink up.
71
00:03:26,387 --> 00:03:29,022
- Who are these people?
- Our first customers.
72
00:03:29,023 --> 00:03:31,024
- We're not open yet.
- Just relax, Ken.
73
00:03:31,025 --> 00:03:33,327
They wanted to get a beer,
and I said, "Okay, come on in."
74
00:03:33,728 --> 00:03:35,095
Hey, wait a minute.
I know you.
75
00:03:35,396 --> 00:03:38,126
You're the guy I shooed away
from the dumpster this morning.
76
00:03:38,335 --> 00:03:42,396
Hey, that is Homeless Mike.
He is our first regular customer.
77
00:03:42,431 --> 00:03:44,071
Show some respect.
78
00:03:44,072 --> 00:03:47,374
So, since that went terribly,
we're gonna do it right this time.
79
00:03:47,375 --> 00:03:49,743
We're gonna reintroduce
ourselves to the world.
80
00:03:49,744 --> 00:03:51,983
No offense, Ken,
it just seems a little odd
81
00:03:51,984 --> 00:03:54,014
to open something
that's already been opened.
82
00:03:54,015 --> 00:03:57,184
Yeah, I think you just want to
have a party. We can have a party.
83
00:03:57,185 --> 00:04:01,214
We could shut down for three weeks and tell
people that the health department closed us.
84
00:04:01,215 --> 00:04:03,591
- Why would we do that?
- So they wouldn't make fun of us
85
00:04:03,592 --> 00:04:05,126
for opening
something that's open.
86
00:04:05,127 --> 00:04:07,488
Okay, fine, we'll call it
a grand reopening.
87
00:04:07,489 --> 00:04:11,300
Okay, but if we have a grand reopening, we
still need to have something new to promote.
88
00:04:11,330 --> 00:04:13,569
Guess what? We do.
89
00:04:13,570 --> 00:04:18,775
I have come up with a new Players
employees rules and regulations manual.
90
00:04:18,776 --> 00:04:21,945
I want everybody
to commit these to memory.
91
00:04:21,946 --> 00:04:24,948
We are gonna raise our
standards up to soup ranch level.
92
00:04:24,949 --> 00:04:26,816
We're gonna let people know
that you can depend
93
00:04:26,817 --> 00:04:30,286
on a consistent dining and drinking
experience at this establishment.
94
00:04:30,287 --> 00:04:33,255
You broke down greetings
into drink greetings,
95
00:04:33,256 --> 00:04:35,006
food order greetings,
check-in greetings,
96
00:04:35,007 --> 00:04:36,904
- and exit greetings?
- It's great, huh?
97
00:04:36,939 --> 00:04:39,169
"Did you catch the game last night?
"Speaking of which,
98
00:04:39,204 --> 00:04:41,530
how about a dessert as
good as last night's game?"
99
00:04:41,531 --> 00:04:43,065
It's funny. I think that one's...
I love that one.
100
00:04:43,066 --> 00:04:45,368
I think you're confusing
clever with funny, Ken.
101
00:04:45,369 --> 00:04:47,503
"The game clock's running
down...here's your check."
102
00:04:47,504 --> 00:04:49,538
Do you want us to time people
as they eat?
103
00:04:49,539 --> 00:04:52,252
No, it's just a joke. They're
meant to be light-hearted.
104
00:04:52,253 --> 00:04:55,244
Most of them incorporate
a sports theme.
105
00:04:55,245 --> 00:04:57,647
And they're just a way to seem,
like, you know, offhand and fun.
106
00:04:57,648 --> 00:05:00,383
- What's a food quarterback?
- That's a waiter.
107
00:05:00,384 --> 00:05:02,878
Well, Ken,
thank you for doing this.
108
00:05:02,879 --> 00:05:07,302
But I don't think people are gonna come to
our grand reopening to hear new greetings.
109
00:05:07,303 --> 00:05:09,726
I think what we need
is some celebrities.
110
00:05:09,727 --> 00:05:11,328
Love celebrities.
111
00:05:11,329 --> 00:05:13,538
- No, like who?
- I'll get Charles Barkley here.
112
00:05:13,539 --> 00:05:15,632
- I know a guy who plays golf with him.
- Oh, my God!
113
00:05:15,633 --> 00:05:18,634
And I know Shaq's bookie.
Give me a pen.
114
00:05:18,635 --> 00:05:20,337
I'm gonna write this down
so I don't forget.
115
00:05:20,338 --> 00:05:21,849
And we can get
Michael Phelps.
116
00:05:21,850 --> 00:05:23,257
- I know you love Michael Phelps.
- Oh, I love him!
117
00:05:23,258 --> 00:05:25,227
Having sex with him would
be like sleeping with a fish.
118
00:05:25,228 --> 00:05:27,552
- Nancy Kerrigan.
- Nancy Kerrigan, of course.
119
00:05:31,186 --> 00:05:32,520
I would really appreciate it.
120
00:05:32,521 --> 00:05:35,691
We're just having a big grand
reopening, and we're big fans of his.
121
00:05:35,692 --> 00:05:38,460
- All right, bye.
- Did you get someone?
122
00:05:38,461 --> 00:05:40,742
That was Shaquille O'Neal's
pool cleaner.
123
00:05:40,743 --> 00:05:42,736
Fingers crossed he's gonna be
there for the grand opening.
124
00:05:42,737 --> 00:05:45,335
- We're really gonna do this, aren't we?
- I know. It's gonna be good.
125
00:05:45,336 --> 00:05:47,874
Your celebrities,
my rules and regulations...
126
00:05:47,909 --> 00:05:49,071
Home run!
127
00:05:49,672 --> 00:05:54,144
We might want to just lay off the rules
and regs till after the grand reopening.
128
00:05:54,145 --> 00:05:57,948
I mean, just to make it fun, like, not such a,
you know, corporate-franchise feel.
129
00:05:57,949 --> 00:06:01,986
You know, I might be a little more fun if
I got invited to your little get-togethers.
130
00:06:01,987 --> 00:06:05,265
- Yeah, Krista told me about that.
- That was spontaneous, honestly.
131
00:06:05,266 --> 00:06:06,994
We didn't plan anything.
Weust started hanging out.
132
00:06:06,995 --> 00:06:10,320
I'd like to be at those things.
I like all those guys that work for us.
133
00:06:10,321 --> 00:06:12,930
Next time we get together,
I'll bring you with, okay?
134
00:06:12,931 --> 00:06:15,098
- Okay.
- Just promise to loosen up. Okay?
135
00:06:15,099 --> 00:06:18,169
- Yeah, no, I love to have fun.
- Do you?
136
00:06:18,170 --> 00:06:20,003
Well, how come you didn't like
the fart sandwich? That's...
137
00:06:20,004 --> 00:06:22,873
That's actually hilarious, that idea.
138
00:06:22,874 --> 00:06:26,310
- Come on, you got to know that's distasteful.
- It's for people with a sense of humor.
139
00:06:26,311 --> 00:06:28,344
You want to know what really
bothered me the most, though?
140
00:06:28,345 --> 00:06:31,348
You didn't run it by me.
When I was working at soup ranch...
141
00:06:31,349 --> 00:06:34,217
Shut the *** up about soup ranch,
please. We don't work there.
142
00:06:34,218 --> 00:06:37,787
You know, sometimes I wish I did, because
when I used to follow the 14 tenets...
143
00:06:37,788 --> 00:06:40,923
- Mother *** soup ranch.
- Don't you say, "Mother *** soup ranch."
144
00:06:40,924 --> 00:06:44,993
Soup ranch did for me what the marines do
for some people. It straightened out my head.
145
00:06:44,994 --> 00:06:48,496
- None of your ideas are helping the business.
- All my ideas help the business.
146
00:06:48,497 --> 00:06:51,499
The boxing wall is a disaster.
All people do is graffiti there.
147
00:06:51,500 --> 00:06:53,234
That's because it's by the phone.
148
00:06:53,235 --> 00:06:55,970
People are taking messages.
That's not malevolent.
149
00:06:55,971 --> 00:06:57,905
You know, not all of your ideas
are great either.
150
00:06:57,906 --> 00:07:00,608
- Like what?
- Like having Calvin live in our office.
151
00:07:02,009 --> 00:07:04,079
- He's sleeping.
- Look, all I'm asking
152
00:07:04,080 --> 00:07:06,648
is that, when you have an idea,
run it by me first,
153
00:07:06,649 --> 00:07:09,367
- especially if it involves money.
- Okay.
154
00:07:10,287 --> 00:07:11,821
Hey. Got it.
155
00:07:11,822 --> 00:07:14,324
Autographed Jackie Robinson
econ textbook.
156
00:07:14,325 --> 00:07:16,090
- Only 1,100 bucks.
- What?
157
00:07:16,091 --> 00:07:17,894
No, God damn it!
Take it back.
158
00:07:17,895 --> 00:07:19,395
- It's a bargain.
- Don't be racist.
159
00:07:19,396 --> 00:07:21,297
Jackie Robinson broke
the color barrier.
160
00:07:21,298 --> 00:07:24,867
I'm not being racist. It has nothing to
do with sports. It's a waste of money.
161
00:07:24,868 --> 00:07:26,301
I'll frame it.
162
00:07:26,302 --> 00:07:29,500
Well, I'm gonna go back to work on
making our grand reopening awesome.
163
00:07:29,501 --> 00:07:32,006
Great. I'm gonna read out loud to
you some of my rules and regulations.
164
00:07:32,007 --> 00:07:33,941
"Bacteria can grow in food.
165
00:07:33,942 --> 00:07:36,669
- They're found everywhere..."
- Hi, Boris Becker, please.
166
00:07:36,670 --> 00:07:38,378
"and can grow when food workers..."
167
00:07:40,482 --> 00:07:42,616
Hi, can I get you guys
something to drink?
168
00:07:42,617 --> 00:07:45,786
I'm sorry. I think
what she meant to say is,
169
00:07:45,787 --> 00:07:47,555
she knows
that you're thirsty for sports,
170
00:07:47,556 --> 00:07:50,425
but would you like something
physically to drink before ordering?
171
00:07:50,426 --> 00:07:52,627
Please work on your greetings.
172
00:07:52,628 --> 00:07:56,164
I know that you guys
are thirsty for sports,
173
00:07:56,165 --> 00:08:00,468
but is there something
physically that I can...
174
00:08:00,469 --> 00:08:03,338
You guys are probably physical
with each other.
175
00:08:03,539 --> 00:08:06,175
It's hard when you first become physical
176
00:08:06,676 --> 00:08:08,611
to then pretend that you're not.
177
00:08:08,612 --> 00:08:12,082
- Out of nowhere, it's...
- Hey. Excuse me for a sec.
178
00:08:12,683 --> 00:08:15,318
You need to chill out about what
happened with Bruce last night.
179
00:08:15,319 --> 00:08:17,362
What do you mean
what's happening with Bruce?
180
00:08:17,397 --> 00:08:21,223
Come on. You guys had a
one-night stand. It's cool.
181
00:08:21,224 --> 00:08:23,465
Do you know how many one-night
stands I have in a month?
182
00:08:23,466 --> 00:08:25,077
Sometimes I do two in a night.
183
00:08:25,078 --> 00:08:26,661
I don't think that's something
to be proud of.
184
00:08:26,662 --> 00:08:28,429
What? It means guys think
I'm pretty.
185
00:08:28,430 --> 00:08:30,297
Listen. This morning when
Bruce and I were walking in,
186
00:08:30,298 --> 00:08:33,100
- he said last night was awesome.
- No. Stop.
187
00:08:33,101 --> 00:08:35,577
You cannot get
emotionally involved in this.
188
00:08:35,578 --> 00:08:39,840
You have got to separate this
from this, okay?
189
00:08:39,841 --> 00:08:42,467
Just...
you got to go dead inside.
190
00:08:42,468 --> 00:08:45,435
- Dead inside.
- Yeah. We'll try it out.
191
00:08:45,436 --> 00:08:48,781
We'll go out tonight. We'll meet a couple
of guys. We'll have them feel you up.
192
00:08:48,782 --> 00:08:51,218
And if you feel nothing,
that means it's working.
193
00:08:51,219 --> 00:08:53,053
Is there another way
to test it?
194
00:08:53,054 --> 00:08:54,422
Barb?
195
00:08:54,423 --> 00:08:56,790
- Hi.
- You got a second?
196
00:08:56,791 --> 00:08:58,192
Dead inside.
197
00:08:58,193 --> 00:09:00,794
- Dead inside.
- Good.
198
00:09:08,501 --> 00:09:11,471
- Hello.
- You okay?
199
00:09:11,772 --> 00:09:14,708
- Your mouth okay?
- Yes.
200
00:09:14,709 --> 00:09:19,212
Okay, would you mind
checking out the guys' bathroom?
201
00:09:19,213 --> 00:09:21,381
Somebody said there's
a truckload of mess in there.
202
00:09:21,382 --> 00:09:22,783
Absolutely.
203
00:09:22,784 --> 00:09:25,019
Yeah, there's a bucket
and gloves in the office.
204
00:09:30,159 --> 00:09:31,526
What are you doing?
205
00:09:31,527 --> 00:09:34,731
Just putting up the Jackie
Robinson college econ textbook.
206
00:09:34,732 --> 00:09:37,934
No, come on, I told you to return that.
It has nothing to do with sports.
207
00:09:37,935 --> 00:09:40,743
I suppose black athletes
can't get college educations.
208
00:09:40,744 --> 00:09:42,535
- Is that what you want to say?
- Of course they can.
209
00:09:42,536 --> 00:09:46,226
- It just has no place in a sports bar.
- Hey, Ken. Two black people just walked in.
210
00:09:46,227 --> 00:09:48,845
- You want me to get rid of 'em?
- No, of course not. Why?
211
00:09:48,846 --> 00:09:52,882
Well, Bruce said that you're a racist.
And I didn't want it to get violent.
212
00:09:54,083 --> 00:09:56,752
Ken, don't go over there. Ken.
213
00:09:58,753 --> 00:10:00,322
- Hi.
- Hi.
214
00:10:00,323 --> 00:10:03,557
My name's Ken. I'm one of the owners.
Would you mind if I sat down for a moment?
215
00:10:03,558 --> 00:10:04,893
Sure.
216
00:10:08,298 --> 00:10:11,167
There's a rumor going around
the bar that I'm a racist.
217
00:10:11,668 --> 00:10:14,704
I just want to let you know nothing
could be further from the truth.
218
00:10:15,605 --> 00:10:19,375
I don't judge anybody by the color
of their skin or their ethnicity.
219
00:10:19,376 --> 00:10:22,010
You know, I didn't have
any black friends growing up,
220
00:10:22,011 --> 00:10:24,513
but I mean, no one where
I lived did, because it was...
221
00:10:24,514 --> 00:10:26,515
You know, it was a very...
a white neighborhood.
222
00:10:26,516 --> 00:10:28,618
I don't think my parents
chose it for that reason,
223
00:10:28,619 --> 00:10:32,756
but, for instance, though, they were very
insistent that my brother and I watch Roots.
224
00:10:32,757 --> 00:10:36,960
"Kinta Kunte"...
what a powerful black character.
225
00:10:37,361 --> 00:10:40,764
Full disclosure,
in case you look into this,
226
00:10:40,765 --> 00:10:45,148
you would see that I have
not dated any black women.
227
00:10:45,149 --> 00:10:49,942
But that has nothing to do with preference.
It has to do with proximity, availability.
228
00:10:49,943 --> 00:10:53,012
For instance,
I find you very attractive.
229
00:10:53,013 --> 00:10:56,983
I'm not as attracted to you.
Not because you're black, I mean...
230
00:10:56,984 --> 00:10:59,586
I can say that because I look
at you as two women.
231
00:10:59,587 --> 00:11:02,856
You know, I would like
to get in here more than I...
232
00:11:02,857 --> 00:11:07,127
At the end of the day, a man
will do almost with anybody.
233
00:11:07,128 --> 00:11:10,197
If I was drunk, I could easily...
234
00:11:14,936 --> 00:11:18,722
Hey, man, thanks for doing that.
I would have felt real weird.
235
00:11:19,523 --> 00:11:22,643
Plus, I'd probably cry
if I got hit in the face.
236
00:11:29,027 --> 00:11:31,196
- Finished cleaning up the bathroom.
- Thanks.
237
00:11:31,197 --> 00:11:35,967
I never want to do that again, by the way. It's
disgusting. It looks like someone died in there.
238
00:11:35,968 --> 00:11:39,370
- I know. It's summertime.
- Can I talk to you for a second, actually?
239
00:11:39,371 --> 00:11:41,038
Sure.
240
00:11:44,041 --> 00:11:46,576
What's wrong?
241
00:11:46,577 --> 00:11:49,111
I guess
I'm just really shocked
242
00:11:49,112 --> 00:11:51,881
that all day you've been
treating me like an employee.
243
00:11:51,882 --> 00:11:53,515
Barb, you are an employee.
244
00:11:53,516 --> 00:11:58,319
I know, but I thought that something kind
of special happened between us last night.
245
00:11:58,320 --> 00:12:01,423
Yeah, but I think we got to
be cool at work, you know?
246
00:12:01,424 --> 00:12:04,827
- Be cool.
- Yeah, be cool around each other.
247
00:12:05,628 --> 00:12:06,862
Okay.
248
00:12:06,863 --> 00:12:10,096
I guess, I don't know,
I'm confused, because
249
00:12:10,097 --> 00:12:13,336
I don't know how you can be cool
about what we shared last night.
250
00:12:13,337 --> 00:12:15,471
Is this about the bathroom?
251
00:12:15,472 --> 00:12:18,574
I cleaned up
someone's diarrhea today.
252
00:12:18,575 --> 00:12:22,012
Look, I'm sorry, but you're
low man on the totem pole.
253
00:12:22,013 --> 00:12:23,647
Krista's been here longer.
254
00:12:23,648 --> 00:12:25,775
Calvin just makes it dirtier
when he cleans it up,
255
00:12:25,776 --> 00:12:29,253
and Jorge handles food. And I know
for a fact he never washes his hands.
256
00:12:29,254 --> 00:12:34,358
Barb, I can't give you preferential treatment
just 'cause I care for you, okay?
257
00:12:34,359 --> 00:12:36,661
Hey. It was special.
258
00:12:36,662 --> 00:12:39,631
But it doesn't mean people are
gonna stop *** in our bathroom.
259
00:12:39,632 --> 00:12:41,366
- Does it?
- No, you're right.
260
00:12:41,367 --> 00:12:44,703
- You're right about that.
- You guys want to get shitfaced?
261
00:12:44,704 --> 00:12:47,741
- Yeah.
- Yeah. I'll be there in a second.
262
00:12:47,742 --> 00:12:50,877
I have human *** on my clothes.
So I guess I got to clean that up.
263
00:12:50,878 --> 00:12:54,213
- You guys are sitting on my bed.
- Sorry, Calvin.
264
00:12:54,214 --> 00:12:56,912
Wilt Chamberlain says he had
20,000 women in his lifetime.
265
00:12:56,913 --> 00:12:58,650
- I believe that.
- No way.
266
00:12:58,651 --> 00:12:59,887
- Who wants a shot?
- I do.
267
00:12:59,888 --> 00:13:04,156
- All right, let's do this.
- Ken is gonna be joining us tonight.
268
00:13:04,157 --> 00:13:07,599
I know, I know. He's trying to be fun,
and I said I would invite him.
269
00:13:07,600 --> 00:13:12,597
Who likes to party? I like to party.
Who likes to party? I like to party.
270
00:13:13,033 --> 00:13:15,806
- Look who's kicking up his heels tonight.
- Hey, guys. How's it going?
271
00:13:15,807 --> 00:13:17,794
- Sit down, party-party.
- Okay.
272
00:13:19,473 --> 00:13:23,744
- Pull up a chair, then.
- All right.
273
00:13:23,745 --> 00:13:26,013
- You guys up for a little truth or dare?
- Yeah, let's do it.
274
00:13:26,014 --> 00:13:28,717
- Now, Krista, truth or dare?
- Truth.
275
00:13:28,718 --> 00:13:31,120
Who is the most famous person
you've fooled around with?
276
00:13:31,121 --> 00:13:32,454
Oh, God, that's a good one.
277
00:13:32,455 --> 00:13:34,957
- If that makes you uncomfortable, you don't...
- No, I'm cool with it.
278
00:13:34,958 --> 00:13:37,159
- Okay, it's a three-way tie...
- Oh, God!
279
00:13:37,160 --> 00:13:39,695
- I gave a hand job to Pete Rose.
- Oh, my God!
280
00:13:39,696 --> 00:13:41,931
I got finger-blasted
by Meadowlark Lemon.
281
00:13:41,932 --> 00:13:44,567
- The clown prince of basketball?
- Yeah, it was after a Globetrotters game.
282
00:13:44,568 --> 00:13:45,968
- It was awesome.
- Wait a second.
283
00:13:45,969 --> 00:13:48,837
What is the difference between
finger-blasting and finger-banging?
284
00:13:48,838 --> 00:13:51,841
- Thrust and intent.
- And last but not least,
285
00:13:51,842 --> 00:13:54,510
I got taken from behind
by the Phoenix Suns gorilla.
286
00:13:54,511 --> 00:13:55,779
- Mask still on.
- No. No way.
287
00:13:55,780 --> 00:13:58,181
Now I know why you like
Gorillas in the mist.
288
00:13:58,182 --> 00:14:00,750
Did he stick his banana
in your ***?
289
00:14:03,287 --> 00:14:05,154
That's gross.
290
00:14:05,155 --> 00:14:07,190
It's okay.
Yeah, yeah, it's fine.
291
00:14:07,191 --> 00:14:09,392
- Did he stick his banana Inside your...
- No, I know.
292
00:14:09,393 --> 00:14:10,927
Somebody else go.
Do a shot, Ken.
293
00:14:10,928 --> 00:14:12,295
- It might help you...
- Do a shot, please.
294
00:14:12,296 --> 00:14:14,197
I got... I got one.
295
00:14:14,198 --> 00:14:15,331
- Okay.
- I got one.
296
00:14:15,332 --> 00:14:17,067
Okay, Bruce, truth or dare?
297
00:14:17,068 --> 00:14:18,602
- Dare.
- Okay.
298
00:14:18,603 --> 00:14:22,438
All right, I dare you
to kiss Barb on the mouth.
299
00:14:24,308 --> 00:14:26,075
Come on, Calvin.
300
00:14:26,076 --> 00:14:28,111
Remember, dead inside.
Dead inside.
301
00:14:28,112 --> 00:14:29,812
I'll do it.
I'll do anything once.
302
00:14:29,813 --> 00:14:32,247
- Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss.
- Okay, okay, Ken.
303
00:14:40,658 --> 00:14:43,362
Oh, my God!
What are you doing?
304
00:14:43,363 --> 00:14:44,761
What?
I was just having fun.
305
00:14:44,762 --> 00:14:47,265
You smell like
alka-seltzer and mayo.
306
00:14:47,266 --> 00:14:49,500
God, you want to have fun?
307
00:14:49,501 --> 00:14:51,002
- Yeah, yeah.
- You want to have some fun?
308
00:14:51,003 --> 00:14:53,304
All right, truth or dare?
309
00:14:53,305 --> 00:14:55,773
- Dare.
- All right, I dare you
310
00:14:55,774 --> 00:14:58,876
to tell me why you're
always sexually harassing me.
311
00:14:58,877 --> 00:15:02,060
- What are you talking about?
- You never look at my boobs.
312
00:15:02,061 --> 00:15:05,814
It's like you're working to avoid it.
I feel like you're so obsessed with my boobs
313
00:15:05,815 --> 00:15:07,985
that you're trying not to look at them.
314
00:15:07,986 --> 00:15:10,677
- Well, I do try not to look at them.
- Exactly.
315
00:15:10,678 --> 00:15:13,008
I feel like I could rip 'em out
316
00:15:13,009 --> 00:15:17,281
and put your face between 'em, and you
would just try and look anywhere but them.
317
00:15:17,282 --> 00:15:19,209
- It's like you can't...
- No, I wouldn't. I'd go crazy on them.
318
00:15:19,210 --> 00:15:21,224
I'd be licking them
and sucking them and...
319
00:15:22,366 --> 00:15:23,754
All right, I'm out of here.
320
00:15:23,755 --> 00:15:25,235
- Your brother's a pig.
- Sorry.
321
00:15:25,236 --> 00:15:27,167
- What... I'm just saying.
- He didn't mean anything by it, Krista.
322
00:15:27,168 --> 00:15:29,585
- If you put them out...
- Yeah, I'm fine.
323
00:15:29,586 --> 00:15:31,479
You have nice breasts.
It's just that you're my employee.
324
00:15:31,480 --> 00:15:34,361
What did you want me to do?
You said they were in my face.
325
00:15:36,949 --> 00:15:39,147
I do think she has nice breasts.
326
00:15:39,148 --> 00:15:40,804
I thought you were gonna be
fun tonight, Ken.
327
00:15:40,805 --> 00:15:42,370
I was being fun.
328
00:15:54,212 --> 00:15:59,100
So the purpose of this mock service is just
to bring us up to speed on the new protocols
329
00:15:59,110 --> 00:16:01,987
that we'll be using tonight
during the grand reopening.
330
00:16:01,988 --> 00:16:05,177
Oh, by the way, Michael Jordan
is coming to the grand reopening.
331
00:16:05,178 --> 00:16:06,178
- Shut up.
- No way.
332
00:16:06,179 --> 00:16:09,225
Hey, way to go. Okay.
333
00:16:09,226 --> 00:16:11,512
So, I thought I'd begin with...
334
00:16:11,513 --> 00:16:15,384
some drink greetings, because that's the way
we always introduce ourselves to a customer.
335
00:16:15,385 --> 00:16:18,898
So, I'm the waiter, you're
the customers. Watch and learn.
336
00:16:19,975 --> 00:16:23,471
Hi, my name is Ken. I'll be
your food quarterback tonight.
337
00:16:23,472 --> 00:16:26,069
But before that,
can I pass you some drinks?
338
00:16:26,070 --> 00:16:29,630
I'd like some mushy peas
and a black and tan, please.
339
00:16:29,631 --> 00:16:32,952
- What are you doing?
- I'm from England. Came here with me family.
340
00:16:32,953 --> 00:16:35,595
Okay, don't do that.
Just be a normal person.
341
00:16:35,596 --> 00:16:39,515
- I'm his uncle Trevor.
- Where's me gold?
342
00:16:39,516 --> 00:16:42,711
I'm gonna go kill a
prostitute in an alley.
343
00:16:43,112 --> 00:16:47,195
Ain't no such thing as being
cool about a one-night stand.
344
00:16:48,828 --> 00:16:50,897
Okay, you know what?
So much fun.
345
00:16:50,898 --> 00:16:53,148
But let's just stay on task.
346
00:16:53,149 --> 00:16:54,369
So I'm asking you
what drinks you want,
347
00:16:54,370 --> 00:16:57,108
so what you want to do is respond
as to what drink you want, okay?
348
00:16:57,109 --> 00:16:58,973
All right. Let's go again.
Here I come.
349
00:16:59,879 --> 00:17:04,259
Hi, my name's Ken. I'll be your food quarterback,
but first can I pass you some drinks?
350
00:17:04,260 --> 00:17:07,102
Right, came over on the
mayflower... Oh, I'm choking!
351
00:17:07,103 --> 00:17:08,773
I'm choking on me mushy peas!
352
00:17:08,774 --> 00:17:11,124
How can you be choking?
You haven't eaten any food yet.
353
00:17:11,125 --> 00:17:13,919
I had an ice cube in me water,
and I'm choking on that.
354
00:17:31,656 --> 00:17:34,149
- Hey. It's on us.
- Thank you.
355
00:17:34,550 --> 00:17:38,827
Hey, Bruce, look, I know everyone
thinks I was kidding around before, but
356
00:17:39,771 --> 00:17:42,448
I was angry when I choked you,
and that was wrong.
357
00:17:42,549 --> 00:17:44,163
I'm sorry.
358
00:17:45,504 --> 00:17:47,335
Okay, I forgive you.
359
00:17:47,336 --> 00:17:50,564
Just try to loosen up
a little bit, Ken, okay?
360
00:17:50,600 --> 00:17:52,823
I will. I promise. For the rest of
the night, it's gonna be all fun.
361
00:17:52,824 --> 00:17:54,686
- Good. How about a beer?
- You know what? Yeah.
362
00:17:54,687 --> 00:17:57,574
- That a boy.
- Hey, so how'd it go with the celebrities?
363
00:17:57,775 --> 00:18:01,448
Really good. Unfortunately, that's not
the real Michael Jordan over there,
364
00:18:01,449 --> 00:18:04,049
but that lady there
in the mobility scooter?
365
00:18:04,050 --> 00:18:06,773
- Yeah?
- That's miss 20,000.
366
00:18:06,774 --> 00:18:08,174
Who's that?
367
00:18:08,175 --> 00:18:10,862
The last woman to sleep
with Wilt Chamberlain.
368
00:18:11,163 --> 00:18:14,087
It's going well. Drink up, buddy.
Ken's drinking!
369
00:18:14,088 --> 00:18:19,183
Wilt got on his knees,
put his hands behind his back,
370
00:18:19,184 --> 00:18:22,856
and dribbled the basketball
with his penis.
371
00:18:22,857 --> 00:18:25,023
- Nice.
- I ain't lying.
372
00:18:25,424 --> 00:18:28,181
- Bruce, I got it.
- Yes!
373
00:18:31,926 --> 00:18:33,425
- What is it?
- T-shirt cannon
374
00:18:33,426 --> 00:18:35,385
from the heisler beer distributor.
375
00:18:36,568 --> 00:18:38,641
- What are you gonna do with that?
- Shoot t-shirts.
376
00:18:38,642 --> 00:18:41,314
What? No. No, no, no, no, no,
you can't do that in the bar.
377
00:18:41,315 --> 00:18:43,076
It's meant for stadiums.
That's dangerous.
378
00:18:43,077 --> 00:18:44,906
Ken, what did
we just talk about?
379
00:18:45,107 --> 00:18:48,336
This a grand reopening.
We can have fun. It's our place.
380
00:18:48,337 --> 00:18:51,008
- Don't be a wet blanket.
- I'm not a wet blanket.
381
00:18:51,009 --> 00:18:53,278
You know what? Give me that thing.
You want to see me have fun?
382
00:18:53,279 --> 00:18:55,047
- Don't point it.
- Let's have some fun.
383
00:18:56,379 --> 00:18:58,180
Oh, Jesus!
384
00:18:58,181 --> 00:19:00,241
- Oh, my God! Are you okay?
- Christ.
385
00:19:00,242 --> 00:19:02,047
- I'm so sorry.
- I've been shot.
386
00:19:02,048 --> 00:19:03,685
- Careful, careful.
- I'm so sorry, so sorry.
387
00:19:03,686 --> 00:19:05,461
- Easy, easy, easy.
- I've been shot!
388
00:19:05,462 --> 00:19:07,328
- Let me get in there. Let me take care of this.
- Careful.
389
00:19:07,329 --> 00:19:08,942
- You're okay.
- Oh, my God!
390
00:19:08,943 --> 00:19:11,071
- I've been shot.
- Let me just get you up in the chair here,
391
00:19:11,072 --> 00:19:13,875
- let me get you up in the chair.
- I can't feel my legs!
392
00:19:13,876 --> 00:19:15,409
Of course you can't feel
your legs!
393
00:19:16,105 --> 00:19:18,837
I'm gonna go get you a lawyer. We're
gonna sue these son of a bitches.
394
00:19:18,838 --> 00:19:20,722
- Hickey, what are you doing?
- They're racist.
395
00:19:20,723 --> 00:19:23,595
- I'm gonna call the naacp.
- I know. Call 'em all.
396
00:19:23,596 --> 00:19:27,081
The aclu. I'm Miss 20,000.
397
00:19:27,082 --> 00:19:29,328
- I'll get you a good lawyer.
- Naacp!
398
00:19:29,329 --> 00:19:32,441
The A.L.C.U.L.E.A.!
399
00:19:34,031 --> 00:19:36,972
If this place closes down, I'm not
gonna be able to afford that miata.
400
00:19:36,973 --> 00:19:40,478
Why didn't I trust my instincts?
You should never have fun at work.
401
00:19:40,479 --> 00:19:44,759
So if the bar closes down,
do I still get to live here?
402
00:19:44,760 --> 00:19:45,960
No.
403
00:19:51,205 --> 00:19:54,283
Morning. Ladies.
404
00:19:57,463 --> 00:19:59,334
Another regular, kid.
405
00:20:03,472 --> 00:20:04,472
What?
406
00:20:04,473 --> 00:20:07,174
I thought you were off
helping someone sue us.
407
00:20:08,401 --> 00:20:10,092
There'll be no lawsuit.
408
00:20:12,516 --> 00:20:15,301
I knew it. I knew it.
409
00:20:15,602 --> 00:20:17,191
What happened?
410
00:20:18,914 --> 00:20:22,973
- A gentleman never tells.
- Oh, you sly dog.
411
00:20:24,259 --> 00:20:27,502
- Oh, yeah, baby. Now, come on.
- Easy. Easy, now.
412
00:20:27,503 --> 00:20:29,504
Easy, all right, all right, all right.
All right, all right, easy, easy, easy.
413
00:20:29,505 --> 00:20:32,459
Yeah, come on, give me some.
Give me some.
414
00:20:32,460 --> 00:20:34,637
- Let's just get you into bed.
- Oh, come on, give me some.
415
00:20:34,638 --> 00:20:36,653
Hickey, I want to touch
your ***-ey.
416
00:20:39,372 --> 00:20:41,897
Oh, yeah,
put my legs on the bed.
417
00:20:41,988 --> 00:20:45,850
Yeah, grab me by the ankles
and use me like an elliptical machine.
418
00:20:45,851 --> 00:20:46,951
Come on!
419
00:20:48,421 --> 00:20:50,982
Punch me in the leg!
Punch me in the leg!
420
00:20:50,983 --> 00:20:53,602
Make me feel my leg!
421
00:20:53,652 --> 00:20:58,202
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