All language subtitles for Hang Ups s01e04.eng

-Are you in a relationship
at the moment? -Yeah, she's one of my students.

-What was her name again?
-Izzy.

-Did you set that up?
-Yeah, I did.

Any resolution, mate?

This is the situation.

My mother, she's moving in here.

-Ricky.
-Mom.

-RICHARD: You should
get a vasectomy. -Okay.

-Yeah?
-Yeah.

You get one, pretending
you're me.

Do you not know why
I'm calling you?

There's absolutely no question
that you're getting your money.

-Cry.
-No.

-Cry.
-No.

Good.

-We are carrying on with this?
-I can't.

Turn your back on me,
I'll fucking kill you mate. Do you get the message?

[CAR TRUNK OPENS]

[INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER]

[DOG YELPING]

[DOG SQUEALS]

Hello?

[CAR TRUNK OPENS]

[CAR ENGINE STARTS]

Look. Dad of the year.

-Ah, Mr. Pitt!
-Oh, uh, yes. Yeah.

Listen, there is a dead dog in
the car. Could you bring it in and make sure nobody sees it?

[SIGHS HEAVILY]

Ugh. I feel sick.

Yeah, not as sick as me.

Nevermind,
nuts cut off later.

Richard, don't
make this about you.

Well that bit is.

I've got to fire eighty-six
people today.

-Yeah.
-So, I'm not looking forward to my day either.

Good Morning, Crayon.

-Hello, it's uh, Karen.
-What?

-Karen.
-Oh, whatever you like.

Nice to see you.

Nice morning. How long are you
planning on staying?

Uh, that's entirely
up to little Richard.

Fantastic.

-Remember Ricky's birthday.
-Yes. Ricky's Birthday. Of course, I'll see you later.

I can see her panty line. You
should tell her.

-You alright?
-Darling, Richard.

My special boy.

Look at you.

I'm very grateful to you.

I like to be near you, you see?

Oh, me too.

The only thing is,

I wish you wouldn't speak
so badly about me to your father.

-What?
-Because you see,

it means he doesn't speak to me.

And, I then think to myself,

maybe it was because you
wouldn't take the breast when you were a baby.

And I think that's what put
your father off me.

Really and truly,
it is your fault.

RICHARD: Oh, yes.

Oh, I'll bring you some
breakfast up.

-No, I'll come back down again.
-No, I'll bring it up. I'll bring it up.

Sorry about that.

Can you pump her full of drugs
and knock her out for the rest of the day?

Yes.

-Yes?
-Yeah.

-Okay.
-Good.

I have one question.
When am I going to get paid?

You'll get paid soon.

And the money you borrowed for
the...

Shopping, I'll pay you that
back soon. Yeah, don't worry.

[VIDEO CALL RINGING]

-[VIDEO CALL BEEPS]
-Hello.

-Richard, hi. Thank you for
seeing me again. -Not at all.

I've been thinking a lot about
what we were talking about last time.

Oh, did you split up with her?

No, quite the opposite actually.

But I feel that, to have a real
conversation, you'd probably need a bit more background.

When I was a little younger,
I spent six months in Monrovia,

in Liberia, working at the
Liberian Clown Institute.

Okay, if I could just stop you
for one second. That's all terrific. Um,

I mean I have been doing
a little bit of research on my own, I have to say,

and I thought maybe, I'm the
prude here.

Maybe there is nothing wrong
with a much older man,

-sleeping with his student.
-IZZY: Have you seen my headphones?

Yeah, I think, they are not
on the couch.

Sorry, Izzy, I'm just actually,
um,

This is, uh, Izzy.

Izzy, this is Richard. This is
my online therapist, I see sometimes.

You're seeing a therapist?

Yeah, we just talk
about general issues.

Nice to meet you and nice to put
a face to all those stories I've been hearing.

-Nice to meet you.
-Richard, hold on for one second?

They're just behind the couch.

Izzy, how nice to talk to you.

-The fuck are you doing?
-What the fuck are you doing?

-Are they not in the bedroom?
-Um, I don't know.

-Izzy?
-Yeah, I think they might be in the bathroom.

-Bathroom?
-Yeah.

-What the fuck are you doing?
-Don't make me come down there.

-Are you trying to pop into
my fucking life. -You get out of there.

-You've been talking to him.
-He's your teacher. Think about that.

-It's immoral.
-Me? What the fuck is your problem?

It's not my problem.

-They weren't in the bathroom.
-Of course, they were.

Silly me. It was really lovely
to meet you, Richard.

-Lovely to meet you too.
Is it Izzy? -Yes.

-Thank you. Yes.
-Lovely to meet you, young Izzy.

Thank you for all of your input.
And I'm sure

that soon enough with your
fantastic work and,

my support, Nathan will be in a
really healthy place.

Yeah, sure, and Nathan,

Yeah, there we go.

Nathan, all your secrets are
safe with me.

-Nice to meet you.
-Bye.

[MOBILE RINGING]

Hey, how you doing? You okay?

As you can imagine, it's a laugh
a minute, we are thrilled,

to have this very special guest
staying with us.

Things are really hard with
my book. I'm feeling really...

-Our Mother.
-...stressed about it.

'Cause I kinda knew what I was
doing before and now I'm completely lost.

Can I just stop you there?
'Cause I've just realized something really important.

I don't care about your book.

I just realized that, because,
our mother has not been very well.

So, perhaps, we could talk
about her.

-I just asked you how she was.
-RICHARD: No, you didn't.

I'm sorry, all I heard was,
a book, my book, my book, my big hairy book.

-I just wanted to say that I'm
finding it hard and... -Are you, are you?

[MOCKS] Is it hard?

Wee, wee, wee.

-Is this what you say to people
who... -[MOCKS]

You're kind of like
a psychopath. Do you know that?

You're kind of an emotional
psychopath.

You do that to me,
it's really...

I just don't want this,

to be thing that sabotages
my novel.

'Cause I don't want this whole
thing with mum and you... -Oh, Mum?

Yes. Mum. I knew there was
something going on in our family.

-Yeah, okay, bye now.
-[VIDEO CALL BEEPS]

-Dad!
-What?

-Those tickets have gone like
half the price they were. -Let's buy...

-Yeah, buy them now.
-I'll tell you what, why don't you have a party?

-Oh God.
-Have a party, it'll be more fun.

-You could bring a bottle.
It'll be a lot more cheaper. -[VIDEO CALL RINGING]

I've got a call coming through.
Off you go.

-Go on.
-I don't want a party.

So ungrateful. Quick!

[RINGING CONTINUES]

[VIDEO CALL BEEPS]

-Hi, Dad.
-Morning, Richard.

-How was your weekend?
-Really really good.

I feel about ten years younger.

I'm astonished that I
haven't done it before.

-What? South of France?
-No, had the kind of weekend that I've just had.

Lively, was it?

It was very lively, indeed.

Did you go and see any...

-Museums or...
-No. When two people want to get to know each other well,

I don't think they do it
by walking around museums.

What's she like?
-I first met her...

She was a jurer in the chambers
I was in at the time.

-You know, circumstances
happen and... -She approached the bench.

-Yes, you could say that.
-How old is she, your girlfriend?

Similar age to you actually.

-I'm forty-four. Is she...
-Bit younger.

Wow. Good work.

-Good work?
-I mean, you know, if you can get it.

Well done. Congratulations.

-Hmm.
-Hurray.

I'm of the opinion that none
of these things matter.

Really? Is that your philosophy?

We, in the judiciary, contrary
to what you might think,

it is incumbent on us to be
quite liberal in our thinking.

Well, we've all seen those films
like Scandal and stuff.

You lot are always at swingers
parties and, I don't know, lying on the floor

in a nappy
pretending to be a baby while,

some hooker breastfeeds you.
I mean isn't that what all judges are up to?

In a word, no.

One of them will spend their
weekends being shat on by dwarves.

-What?
-One of them will.

[INDISTINCT YELLING]

Oye. Come here.

Hurry up!

Crying out loud.

Noise.

You two ever eat at home?

You know, your home?

Ricky, when's your birthday?

-Seriously?
-Yeah.

-Tomorrow.
-Tomorrow!

I've gotta sort something out
for you, otherwise your mum will kill me.

-And because I love you.
-[VIDEO CALL RINGING]

-Thanks.
-Yeah.

Hello, so on the vasectomy
front, I have convinced my friend, Pete,

to go in my place.

And he is going to go this
afternoon. And I know I should probably feel bad about that,

but, I can't because I'm just
so relieved, that I've managed to dodge this bullet.

Mmm-hmm.

That's it? Mmm-hmm?

You've won. You've won
the vasectomy,

and you've won against
your father. Which is a great victory for you.

Be grateful for that.

How are you?

You look shaken.

May I say?

I've got no control
over anything.

-It's all chaos.
-What?

How long have you felt
like this?

This is my issue, not yours.

-It's become mine...
-Let's talk about your vasectomy.

I don't want to talk about my
vasectomy.

I wanna talk about you and why
you're floating away from me.

Think of me as a piece of shit
just floating away.

On a shit tide.
In an ocean of shit.

-Really?
-And I'm just one more stool floating away.

-Floating?
-I'm sunk hook, line, and sinker.

Okay, we need
to talk about this.

I don't need you and you don't
need me.

What happened to revere
the rectum? That was your gift to me.

Bob Dylan said this, "Take care
of your memories, because you cannot relive them".

Right.

[VIDEO CALL BEEPS]

RICHARD: [WHISPERS] Jose?

Jose?

Is everything okay?

Yes. Everything is quite fine.

She's just a little bit windy.

Where's the dog?

I left it with Liam.

What?

I left it with Liam.

[VIDEO CALL RINGING]

-Hi.
-Hi.

-Oh my god, you look great.
-So did you.

Oh, thank you.

-So, if we could pick up where
we left off. -Yeah.

Your parents committed suicide
together. -Mmm-hmm.

Your sister is in a coma after
being attacked by an army in the Congo.

-You're eight months pregnant.
-Sure am.

And the father of your child's,
you are...

not in contact with any more.
-No.

-That's quite a list.
-Oh, yeah, and my dog has just gone missing too.

And your dog's gone missing?

-Rolf?
-Rolf's just probably gone for a little walkies.

Would you remind me what
Rolf looks like please?

Oh, yeah. Aww, so sweet of you.

Um, it's here actually.

[WHISPERS] Oh my God!

It's okay, don't worry. My God,
that is so sweet of you.

It's okay. Oh my God.

You're just the sweetest,
aren't you? What a lucky wife you have.

Could we talk about your
dead parents?

Um, yeah.

-I was at work and I got a call,
-Yeah. Mmm.

-from my sister.
-How did she give the news?

Well, there's this sort of
history with us where she would say things to me like,

"Mum and Dad are dead."

And I'll be like, "Oh my God,
they're dead, they're dead, oh my God, oh my God."

And she'll be like "Gotcha!".

And I'll be like, "Oh, okay.

Great that they're okay.
That's a good joke."

So, when she did phone
and say about mum and dad, I thought it was a joke.

It was only when she and I went
to the morgue, up to that point, I thought...

we were going blah...
[CHUCKLES]

So when I pulled the sheets up,
I was like, this is a good one.

Um, and then there they were.
And, um,

It was definitely them.
They were definitely dead.

You couldn't fully distinguish
their features but,

there were a few things my mum
had on her.

I knew it was definitely them
and it wasn't a joke.

That was shock number two.

Okay. Here's the address.

Just leave it outside the house.
Make sure nobody sees you.

Okay?

[VIDEO CALL RINGING]

Hello, Neil.
Is that a "drink" drink?

I'm just going back over...

all that stuff...

-Yeah.
-All those things

-we talked about that are done.
-Yeah.

I think I'm gonna puke.

Just thinking about my life.

I'm gonna puke...

emotion.

Like being in a deep fat fryer.
My brain's chips.

What it is, you're
processing a lot of stuff that you buried.

There's a thing that's worse.

-Yeah, I killed someone.
I killed someone. -You what?

Good.

-Good?
-Good that you could say it.

Not good that you killed
someone.

Pushed the bloke off
a balcony in the city.

Yeah, he died.
Bloke was pissing me off.

I know. How do you feel
about that now?

That's the thing. I don't care.

-At all?
-Nope.

-Any feelings one way or
the other? -No.

Joy?

Kinda got away with it.

[VIDEO CALL BEEPS]

-You know the needle thing?
-Yeah.

I've been thinking...

I reckon you probably need
to tool up.

Don't wanna worry you,
could get heavy. Just protect yourself.

That's ridiculous. Group
therapy, let's make it about bereavement.

A lot of people go through that,
it could be really good money spent on.

And masturbation, a lot
of people go through without masturbating too much.

Make it about that.

-Is this about your vasectomy?
-What?

You're doing a really good
thing. You're taking control of your body...

Yeah, I'm thinking I don't
maybe need to do.

And you lied to a doctor.

And if you're caught, you'll go
to prison.

[VIDEO CALL RINGING]

I've heard from a little birdie,
that you have some return clients.

Yes, yes. I have.

I'm very flattered, really. The
people enjoy my therapy and so they come back...

For an unfinished business?

-To drink at that well again.
-That's great news.

-Yes it is, thank you.
-Honestly, I can put it in your report.

-How's it going?
-I'm killing it.

I'm literally, you know,
destroying it. I'm murdering it.

Interesting choice of verbs.

-Yeah, well, you know...
-Do you think you're fucking it up?

-No I'm crushing it.
-[CHUCKLES] I was just joking.

-Okay.
-But yeah, I think keep going with those clients.

Great, I'm just looking
at my diary...

Oh, I've got someone phoning
from America, actually.

He phones in the middle of
a nightmare, that's how keen he is.

Why's he calling someone in the
middle of the night, a British therapist?

Maybe, my reputation has
travelled the globe.

No.

-Oh.
-Don't be ridiculous.

[VIDEO CALL RINGING]

-[BEEPS]
-Hello.

Hey!

Jackson, how are you?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, good.

Tell me what brings you
to therapy?

Other than my mom, um,

-And so we're like... Yeah.
-Just the two of you?

-So, it's been like that for...
-All my life.

-So, did you ever know
your father? -Um, I...

Never knew him.

How do you feel about
not knowing your father?

-Have you seen that
documentary, Twinsters ? - Twinsters...

What's it about?

So, basically, there are these
two identical twins.

-They've never met.
-Right. Yeah.

-But they always knew that they
were both missing something. -Do you have that

fantasy there's a twin out
there somewhere who's...

Not my twin, my dad.

Yeah. You know, I used to have
a fantasy as well that my parents weren't my real parents.

And that Paul Michael Glaser
from Starsky & Hutch was really my dad.

My god, dude, I love
Starsky & Hutch .

-Isn't it the best show ever?
-Are you for real?

-I love that show.
-Oh my God, it was so good.

- Starsky & Hutch was ninety-two
episodes of perfection. -Oh my God!

-Do you know what, David Soul
lives in London! -No way!

Everytime I go out shopping, I
think, maybe today I'm gonna see him.

I just have this image that he's
gonna look across me and go,

-"You're, you're the one I've
been missing" -You!

-It's me and you, let's go.
-Let's go together, fight crimes.

You're the one I've been
missing, dude. You!

That's exactly what I would say.

No, I'm saying that to you.
That's what I'm saying.

Oh, right. Well, thank you
very much.

There could be Starsky, and you
could be mini-Starsky, and I could be like mini-mini-Starsky.

-I've got curly dark hair
as well. -You do.

-Different vibe, but...
-This is gonna sound weird but, we haven't met before, have we?

-Me and you?
-You know you meet someone, sometimes you think...

You know, there's something
about you so familiar...

-Yo, someone's just come in
to the store, um... -Oh, okay...

-I gotta go. I'm so sorry.
-Yeah, sure. All right!

Waka-taka, waka-taka, waka-taka.

-I'm so sorry, I gotta go. I'll
see you later. -That's all right, Jackson.

Okay, Dexy, play Starsky & Hutch
Theme two.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYS]

[VIDEO CALL RINGING]

[MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING]

[VIDEO CALL RINGING]

[MOANS]

[VIDEO CALL BEEPS]

[VIDEO CALL RINGING]

FYI, Richard,

Mum's settled happily
in Portugal, I've sent her two thousand pounds.

-No. No.
-Yes. Yes.

She's upstairs, I'm looking
at her now, on my baby monitor.

For fuck's sake.

Get off, I need to speak to her.

[TEXT MESSAGE BEEP]

[BEEPING CONTINUES]

[WHISPERS] My God!

[NEIL ON PHONE]
Don't fucking ignore me, you bastard.

Answer my calls!

PETE: Oh my God,
what're you gonna do?

RICHARD: We've gotta make
this place more secure!

Go and put the security cameras
up. Quickly!

[VIDEO CALL RINGING]

John, John!

Hi mummy, not John, John. John.

-What?
-What's going on, Mum?

Are you grifting me? Are you
riding me? I don't care about the money.

-The money doesn't mean
anything. -Okay.

So, it was a little white lie.

You don't understand, this is
much more serious.

You know I've been to the
doctors, you know I haven't been very well.

Don't say it mum.

Actually, I haven't told you all
the truth.

-Oh God, Mum, it's terminal.
-Wait, John.

I need you to, I need you to be
strong.

-Okay, I'm here, Mum.
-Okay, I just want you to come and see me.

Before it's too late.

-I will.
-I don't know how long I've got, nobody else knows.

I haven't told anybody else.
Stop it.

Now, listen, you've gotta
be strong for me.

-I've got it, Mum. I've got
a contact in Dubai. -Dubai?

They've got a beautiful hospice
shaped like a palm tree.

That sounds lovely, Darling.
But...

I do happen to know that it's
a dry country.

Only in public. In private, you
can drink till your back teeth float.

[VIDEO CALL RINGING]

Hello?

Yeah, Richard. Hello, you're
super beautiful and I'm so sorry that I derange you,

but Karen, she's by you
in the house?

No, no, she's not here, she's
at the London office.

-I think she's firing people
today. -No, she's not.

Oh, she's here. She is here.

What? Where do you stay? Huh?

-Where do you stay?
-Hi, Bennett.

You must come back now
in Zurich.

In Zurich? I just came back from
the office in London.

We have regular sized problems
but soon it is almost gigantish.

Okay? So please come back
in Zurich now.

I just came back now. I've got
a hospital appointment.

-I can come to Zurich
first thing in the morning. -What?

You come tomorrow?

All of the world's jumps
with his asshole in my face.

If you do not want my asshole
jumps in your face, you come back now.

-Okay then.
-Okay, thank you.

-Okay, Bennett, we'll sort
that out. -That's very nice, thank you.

Okay, bye now.

Oh, God. I'm so sorry that
I can't be there for your vasectomy.

-Are you gonna be okay?
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're so brave.

What did I do to deserve you?

-I don't know, you better go.
-[CHUCKLES]

Can you tell Izzy I'm sorry I
didn't get to speak to her, I miss her,

and wish Ricky Happy Birthday
for me, okay?

-Okay.
-And, thank you.

You're amazing.

[VIDEO CALL RINGING]

Hello?

[SOBS HEAVILY]
Um, hi.

[CRIES]
Sorry, sorry, um,

I'm really sorry, I mean, um,

My front door had a dead dog.

-There's a dead dog on...
-Oh, no!

In front of my house.

-Your dog!
-No, he's not even my dog.

-He's not your dog?
-He's just a dead dog. Why would somebody do that to me?

What kind of person would
do that? What are they trying to do to me?

-Who would do that?
-He's just a dead dog on my front door step.

-But you're having a
breakthrough here, emotionally. -I don't like it.

-But it's good you're feeling
this way. -I don't like it.

-It's right to feel...
-Is it okay?

It's appropriate, you're doing
the right thing and I'll speak to you soon.

Okay.

[VIDEO CALL RINGING]

JOSE: Karen would never know you
didn't have a vasectomy.

Whoa, that was a good one.

Turn around, I need to get into
the back.

[VIDEO CALL RINGING CONTINUES]

-Hello!
-Richard!

-Pete!
-I'm sorry, I can't go through with it.

[YELLS] What?

I can see your asshole
perfectly now.

[CRIES IN PAIN]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

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