Original subtitles

-Are you in a relationship at the moment? -Yeah, she's one of my students.

-What was her name again? -Izzy.

-Did you set that up? -Yeah, I did.

Any resolution, mate?

This is the situation.

My mother, she's moving in here.

-Ricky. -Mom.

-RICHARD: You should get a vasectomy. -Okay.

-Yeah? -Yeah.

You get one, pretending you're me.

Do you not know why I'm calling you?

There's absolutely no question that you're getting your money.

-Cry. -No.

-Cry. -No.

Good.

-We are carrying on with this? -I can't.

Turn your back on me, I'll fucking kill you mate. Do you get the message?

[CAR TRUNK OPENS]

[INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER]

[DOG YELPING]

[DOG SQUEALS]

Hello?

[CAR TRUNK OPENS]

[CAR ENGINE STARTS]

Look. Dad of the year.

-Ah, Mr. Pitt! -Oh, uh, yes. Yeah.

Listen, there is a dead dog in the car. Could you bring it in and make sure nobody sees it?

[SIGHS HEAVILY]

Ugh. I feel sick.

Yeah, not as sick as me.

Nevermind, nuts cut off later.

Richard, don't make this about you.

Well that bit is.

I've got to fire eighty-six people today.

-Yeah. -So, I'm not looking forward to my day either.

Good Morning, Crayon.

-Hello, it's uh, Karen. -What?

-Karen. -Oh, whatever you like.

Nice to see you.

Nice morning. How long are you planning on staying?

Uh, that's entirely up to little Richard.

Fantastic.

-Remember Ricky's birthday. -Yes. Ricky's Birthday. Of course, I'll see you later.

I can see her panty line. You should tell her.

-You alright? -Darling, Richard.

My special boy.

Look at you.

I'm very grateful to you.

I like to be near you, you see?

Oh, me too.

The only thing is,

I wish you wouldn't speak so badly about me to your father.

-What? -Because you see,

it means he doesn't speak to me.

And, I then think to myself,

maybe it was because you wouldn't take the breast when you were a baby.

And I think that's what put your father off me.

Really and truly, it is your fault.

RICHARD: Oh, yes.

Oh, I'll bring you some breakfast up.

-No, I'll come back down again. -No, I'll bring it up. I'll bring it up.

Sorry about that.

Can you pump her full of drugs and knock her out for the rest of the day?

Yes.

-Yes? -Yeah.

-Okay. -Good.

I have one question. When am I going to get paid?

You'll get paid soon.

And the money you borrowed for the...

Shopping, I'll pay you that back soon. Yeah, don't worry.

[VIDEO CALL RINGING]

-[VIDEO CALL BEEPS] -Hello.

-Richard, hi. Thank you for seeing me again. -Not at all.

I've been thinking a lot about what we were talking about last time.

Oh, did you split up with her?

No, quite the opposite actually.

But I feel that, to have a real conversation, you'd probably need a bit more background.

When I was a little younger, I spent six months in Monrovia,

in Liberia, working at the Liberian Clown Institute.

Okay, if I could just stop you for one second. That's all terrific. Um,

I mean I have been doing a little bit of research on my own, I have to say,

and I thought maybe, I'm the prude here.

Maybe there is nothing wrong with a much older man,

-sleeping with his student. -IZZY: Have you seen my headphones?

Yeah, I think, they are not on the couch.

Sorry, Izzy, I'm just actually, um,

This is, uh, Izzy.

Izzy, this is Richard. This is my online therapist, I see sometimes.

You're seeing a therapist?

Yeah, we just talk about general issues.

Nice to meet you and nice to put a face to all those stories I've been hearing.

-Nice to meet you. -Richard, hold on for one second?

They're just behind the couch.

Izzy, how nice to talk to you.

-The fuck are you doing? -What the fuck are you doing?

-Are they not in the bedroom? -Um, I don't know.

-Izzy? -Yeah, I think they might be in the bathroom.

-Bathroom? -Yeah.

-What the fuck are you doing? -Don't make me come down there.

-Are you trying to pop into my fucking life. -You get out of there.

-You've been talking to him. -He's your teacher. Think about that.

-It's immoral. -Me? What the fuck is your problem?

It's not my problem.

-They weren't in the bathroom. -Of course, they were.

Silly me. It was really lovely to meet you, Richard.

-Lovely to meet you too. Is it Izzy? -Yes.

-Thank you. Yes. -Lovely to meet you, young Izzy.

Thank you for all of your input. And I'm sure

that soon enough with your fantastic work and,

my support, Nathan will be in a really healthy place.

Yeah, sure, and Nathan,

Yeah, there we go.

Nathan, all your secrets are safe with me.

-Nice to meet you. -Bye.

[MOBILE RINGING]

Hey, how you doing? You okay?

As you can imagine, it's a laugh a minute, we are thrilled,

to have this very special guest staying with us.

Things are really hard with my book. I'm feeling really...

-Our Mother. -...stressed about it.

'Cause I kinda knew what I was doing before and now I'm completely lost.

Can I just stop you there? 'Cause I've just realized something really important.

I don't care about your book.

I just realized that, because, our mother has not been very well.

So, perhaps, we could talk about her.

-I just asked you how she was. -RICHARD: No, you didn't.

I'm sorry, all I heard was, a book, my book, my book, my big hairy book.

-I just wanted to say that I'm finding it hard and... -Are you, are you?

[MOCKS] Is it hard?

Wee, wee, wee.

-Is this what you say to people who... -[MOCKS]

You're kind of like a psychopath. Do you know that?

You're kind of an emotional psychopath.

You do that to me, it's really...

I just don't want this,

to be thing that sabotages my novel.

'Cause I don't want this whole thing with mum and you... -Oh, Mum?

Yes. Mum. I knew there was something going on in our family.

-Yeah, okay, bye now. -[VIDEO CALL BEEPS]

-Dad! -What?

-Those tickets have gone like half the price they were. -Let's buy...

-Yeah, buy them now. -I'll tell you what, why don't you have a party?

-Oh God. -Have a party, it'll be more fun.

-You could bring a bottle. It'll be a lot more cheaper. -[VIDEO CALL RINGING]

I've got a call coming through. Off you go.

-Go on. -I don't want a party.

So ungrateful. Quick!

[RINGING CONTINUES]

[VIDEO CALL BEEPS]

-Hi, Dad. -Morning, Richard.

-How was your weekend? -Really really good.

I feel about ten years younger.

I'm astonished that I haven't done it before.

-What? South of France? -No, had the kind of weekend that I've just had.

Lively, was it?

It was very lively, indeed.

Did you go and see any...

-Museums or... -No. When two people want to get to know each other well,

I don't think they do it by walking around museums.

What's she like? -I first met her...

She was a jurer in the chambers I was in at the time.

-You know, circumstances happen and... -She approached the bench.

-Yes, you could say that. -How old is she, your girlfriend?

Similar age to you actually.

-I'm forty-four. Is she... -Bit younger.

Wow. Good work.

-Good work? -I mean, you know, if you can get it.

Well done. Congratulations.

-Hmm. -Hurray.

I'm of the opinion that none of these things matter.

Really? Is that your philosophy?

We, in the judiciary, contrary to what you might think,

it is incumbent on us to be quite liberal in our thinking.

Well, we've all seen those films like Scandal and stuff.

You lot are always at swingers parties and, I don't know, lying on the floor

in a nappy pretending to be a baby while,

some hooker breastfeeds you. I mean isn't that what all judges are up to?

In a word, no.

One of them will spend their weekends being shat on by dwarves.

-What? -One of them will.

[INDISTINCT YELLING]

Oye. Come here.

Hurry up!

Crying out loud.

Noise.

You two ever eat at home?

You know, your home?

Ricky, when's your birthday?

-Seriously? -Yeah.

-Tomorrow. -Tomorrow!

I've gotta sort something out for you, otherwise your mum will kill me.

-And because I love you. -[VIDEO CALL RINGING]

-Thanks. -Yeah.

Hello, so on the vasectomy front, I have convinced my friend, Pete,

to go in my place.

And he is going to go this afternoon. And I know I should probably feel bad about that,

but, I can't because I'm just so relieved, that I've managed to dodge this bullet.

Mmm-hmm.

That's it? Mmm-hmm?

You've won. You've won the vasectomy,

and you've won against your father. Which is a great victory for you.

Be grateful for that.

How are you?

You look shaken.

May I say?

I've got no control over anything.

-It's all chaos. -What?

How long have you felt like this?

This is my issue, not yours.

-It's become mine... -Let's talk about your vasectomy.

I don't want to talk about my vasectomy.

I wanna talk about you and why you're floating away from me.

Think of me as a piece of shit just floating away.

On a shit tide. In an ocean of shit.

-Really? -And I'm just one more stool floating away.

-Floating? -I'm sunk hook, line, and sinker.

Okay, we need to talk about this.

I don't need you and you don't need me.

What happened to revere the rectum? That was your gift to me.

Bob Dylan said this, "Take care of your memories, because you cannot relive them".

Right.

[VIDEO CALL BEEPS]

RICHARD: [WHISPERS] Jose?

Jose?

Is everything okay?

Yes. Everything is quite fine.

She's just a little bit windy.

Where's the dog?

I left it with Liam.

What?

I left it with Liam.

[VIDEO CALL RINGING]

-Hi. -Hi.

-Oh my god, you look great. -So did you.

Oh, thank you.

-So, if we could pick up where we left off. -Yeah.

Your parents committed suicide together. -Mmm-hmm.

Your sister is in a coma after being attacked by an army in the Congo.

-You're eight months pregnant. -Sure am.

And the father of your child's, you are...

not in contact with any more. -No.

-That's quite a list. -Oh, yeah, and my dog has just gone missing too.

And your dog's gone missing?

-Rolf? -Rolf's just probably gone for a little walkies.

Would you remind me what Rolf looks like please?

Oh, yeah. Aww, so sweet of you.

Um, it's here actually.

[WHISPERS] Oh my God!

It's okay, don't worry. My God, that is so sweet of you.

It's okay. Oh my God.

You're just the sweetest, aren't you? What a lucky wife you have.

Could we talk about your dead parents?

Um, yeah.

-I was at work and I got a call, -Yeah. Mmm.

-from my sister. -How did she give the news?

Well, there's this sort of history with us where she would say things to me like,

"Mum and Dad are dead."

And I'll be like, "Oh my God, they're dead, they're dead, oh my God, oh my God."

And she'll be like "Gotcha!".

And I'll be like, "Oh, okay.

Great that they're okay. That's a good joke."

So, when she did phone and say about mum and dad, I thought it was a joke.

It was only when she and I went to the morgue, up to that point, I thought...

we were going blah... [CHUCKLES]

So when I pulled the sheets up, I was like, this is a good one.

Um, and then there they were. And, um,

It was definitely them. They were definitely dead.

You couldn't fully distinguish their features but,

there were a few things my mum had on her.

I knew it was definitely them and it wasn't a joke.

That was shock number two.

Okay. Here's the address.

Just leave it outside the house. Make sure nobody sees you.

Okay?

[VIDEO CALL RINGING]

Hello, Neil. Is that a "drink" drink?

I'm just going back over...

all that stuff...

-Yeah. -All those things

-we talked about that are done. -Yeah.

I think I'm gonna puke.

Just thinking about my life.

I'm gonna puke...

emotion.

Like being in a deep fat fryer. My brain's chips.

What it is, you're processing a lot of stuff that you buried.

There's a thing that's worse.

-Yeah, I killed someone. I killed someone. -You what?

Good.

-Good? -Good that you could say it.

Not good that you killed someone.

Pushed the bloke off a balcony in the city.

Yeah, he died. Bloke was pissing me off.

I know. How do you feel about that now?

That's the thing. I don't care.

-At all? -Nope.

-Any feelings one way or the other? -No.

Joy?

Kinda got away with it.

[VIDEO CALL BEEPS]

-You know the needle thing? -Yeah.

I've been thinking...

I reckon you probably need to tool up.

Don't wanna worry you, could get heavy. Just protect yourself.

That's ridiculous. Group therapy, let's make it about bereavement.

A lot of people go through that, it could be really good money spent on.

And masturbation, a lot of people go through without masturbating too much.

Make it about that.

-Is this about your vasectomy? -What?

You're doing a really good thing. You're taking control of your body...

Yeah, I'm thinking I don't maybe need to do.

And you lied to a doctor.

And if you're caught, you'll go to prison.

[VIDEO CALL RINGING]

I've heard from a little birdie, that you have some return clients.

Yes, yes. I have.

I'm very flattered, really. The people enjoy my therapy and so they come back...

For an unfinished business?

-To drink at that well again. -That's great news.

-Yes it is, thank you. -Honestly, I can put it in your report.

-How's it going? -I'm killing it.

I'm literally, you know, destroying it. I'm murdering it.

Interesting choice of verbs.

-Yeah, well, you know... -Do you think you're fucking it up?

-No I'm crushing it. -[CHUCKLES] I was just joking.

-Okay. -But yeah, I think keep going with those clients.

Great, I'm just looking at my diary...

Oh, I've got someone phoning from America, actually.

He phones in the middle of a nightmare, that's how keen he is.

Why's he calling someone in the middle of the night, a British therapist?

Maybe, my reputation has travelled the globe.

No.

-Oh. -Don't be ridiculous.

[VIDEO CALL RINGING]

-[BEEPS] -Hello.

Hey!

Jackson, how are you?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, good.

Tell me what brings you to therapy?

Other than my mom, um,

-And so we're like... Yeah. -Just the two of you?

-So, it's been like that for... -All my life.

-So, did you ever know your father? -Um, I...

Never knew him.

How do you feel about not knowing your father?

-Have you seen that documentary, Twinsters ? - Twinsters...

What's it about?

So, basically, there are these two identical twins.

-They've never met. -Right. Yeah.

-But they always knew that they were both missing something. -Do you have that

fantasy there's a twin out there somewhere who's...

Not my twin, my dad.

Yeah. You know, I used to have a fantasy as well that my parents weren't my real parents.

And that Paul Michael Glaser from Starsky & Hutch was really my dad.

My god, dude, I love Starsky & Hutch .

-Isn't it the best show ever? -Are you for real?

-I love that show. -Oh my God, it was so good.

- Starsky & Hutch was ninety-two episodes of perfection. -Oh my God!

-Do you know what, David Soul lives in London! -No way!

Everytime I go out shopping, I think, maybe today I'm gonna see him.

I just have this image that he's gonna look across me and go,

-"You're, you're the one I've been missing" -You!

-It's me and you, let's go. -Let's go together, fight crimes.

You're the one I've been missing, dude. You!

That's exactly what I would say.

No, I'm saying that to you. That's what I'm saying.

Oh, right. Well, thank you very much.

There could be Starsky, and you could be mini-Starsky, and I could be like mini-mini-Starsky.

-I've got curly dark hair as well. -You do.

-Different vibe, but... -This is gonna sound weird but, we haven't met before, have we?

-Me and you? -You know you meet someone, sometimes you think...

You know, there's something about you so familiar...

-Yo, someone's just come in to the store, um... -Oh, okay...

-I gotta go. I'm so sorry. -Yeah, sure. All right!

Waka-taka, waka-taka, waka-taka.

-I'm so sorry, I gotta go. I'll see you later. -That's all right, Jackson.

Okay, Dexy, play Starsky & Hutch Theme two.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYS]

[VIDEO CALL RINGING]

[MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING]

[VIDEO CALL RINGING]

[MOANS]

[VIDEO CALL BEEPS]

[VIDEO CALL RINGING]

FYI, Richard,

Mum's settled happily in Portugal, I've sent her two thousand pounds.

-No. No. -Yes. Yes.

She's upstairs, I'm looking at her now, on my baby monitor.

For fuck's sake.

Get off, I need to speak to her.

[TEXT MESSAGE BEEP]

[BEEPING CONTINUES]

[WHISPERS] My God!

[NEIL ON PHONE] Don't fucking ignore me, you bastard.

Answer my calls!

PETE: Oh my God, what're you gonna do?

RICHARD: We've gotta make this place more secure!

Go and put the security cameras up. Quickly!

[VIDEO CALL RINGING]

John, John!

Hi mummy, not John, John. John.

-What? -What's going on, Mum?

Are you grifting me? Are you riding me? I don't care about the money.

-The money doesn't mean anything. -Okay.

So, it was a little white lie.

You don't understand, this is much more serious.

You know I've been to the doctors, you know I haven't been very well.

Don't say it mum.

Actually, I haven't told you all the truth.

-Oh God, Mum, it's terminal. -Wait, John.

I need you to, I need you to be strong.

-Okay, I'm here, Mum. -Okay, I just want you to come and see me.

Before it's too late.

-I will. -I don't know how long I've got, nobody else knows.

I haven't told anybody else. Stop it.

Now, listen, you've gotta be strong for me.

-I've got it, Mum. I've got a contact in Dubai. -Dubai?

They've got a beautiful hospice shaped like a palm tree.

That sounds lovely, Darling. But...

I do happen to know that it's a dry country.

Only in public. In private, you can drink till your back teeth float.

[VIDEO CALL RINGING]

Hello?

Yeah, Richard. Hello, you're super beautiful and I'm so sorry that I derange you,

but Karen, she's by you in the house?

No, no, she's not here, she's at the London office.

-I think she's firing people today. -No, she's not.

Oh, she's here. She is here.

What? Where do you stay? Huh?

-Where do you stay? -Hi, Bennett.

You must come back now in Zurich.

In Zurich? I just came back from the office in London.

We have regular sized problems but soon it is almost gigantish.

Okay? So please come back in Zurich now.

I just came back now. I've got a hospital appointment.

-I can come to Zurich first thing in the morning. -What?

You come tomorrow?

All of the world's jumps with his asshole in my face.

If you do not want my asshole jumps in your face, you come back now.

-Okay then. -Okay, thank you.

-Okay, Bennett, we'll sort that out. -That's very nice, thank you.

Okay, bye now.

Oh, God. I'm so sorry that I can't be there for your vasectomy.

-Are you gonna be okay? -Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're so brave.

What did I do to deserve you?

-I don't know, you better go. -[CHUCKLES]

Can you tell Izzy I'm sorry I didn't get to speak to her, I miss her,

and wish Ricky Happy Birthday for me, okay?

-Okay. -And, thank you.

You're amazing.

[VIDEO CALL RINGING]

Hello?

[SOBS HEAVILY] Um, hi.

[CRIES] Sorry, sorry, um,

I'm really sorry, I mean, um,

My front door had a dead dog.

-There's a dead dog on... -Oh, no!

In front of my house.

-Your dog! -No, he's not even my dog.

-He's not your dog? -He's just a dead dog. Why would somebody do that to me?

What kind of person would do that? What are they trying to do to me?

-Who would do that? -He's just a dead dog on my front door step.

-But you're having a breakthrough here, emotionally. -I don't like it.

-But it's good you're feeling this way. -I don't like it.

-It's right to feel... -Is it okay?

It's appropriate, you're doing the right thing and I'll speak to you soon.

Okay.

[VIDEO CALL RINGING]

JOSE: Karen would never know you didn't have a vasectomy.

Whoa, that was a good one.

Turn around, I need to get into the back.

[VIDEO CALL RINGING CONTINUES]

-Hello! -Richard!

-Pete! -I'm sorry, I can't go through with it.

[YELLS] What?

I can see your asshole perfectly now.

[CRIES IN PAIN]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

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