Original subtitles

Promo. Let's do a promo.

Welcome to your, er, first therapy session.

When I was about 15 I had sex with my mum.

Why haven't you got a vasectomy? I mean how many times have we been faffing around?

Please get a vasectomy.

This is the situation. Mum needs somewhere to live.

RICHARD: So what are we going to do?

Why doesn't she just come and live with Richard...

-Yup. -...for now.

-It's Issy. She's got relationship problems again... -Oh.

Tell Mum I can't get involved in Issy's dramas.

Have you ever cared for anyone before?

Yes, I care about a lot of people.

-You've got the job! -Great!

PETE: Action!

Hello, I'm Richard Pitt.

-I'm a qualified therapist specializing in a wide... -JOSE: [On video call] Mr Pitt?

Mr Pitt?

Where is that coming from? Oh.

-JOSE: [Screaming] Mr Pitt? -Oh. Yes?

-Mr Pitt? -RICHARD: Yes, Jose?

-Yeah, he can't hear you. -He can't hear me.

-Erm, press that button... -Right.

-Or else he won't... -I've got it.

-Are you having a baby? -No! No, no, it's, er...

My mum's moving in and we need this to keep an eye on her...

PETE: Your mum's moving in here? RICHARD: Yes.

-Does Karen know? -No.

-[Scoffs] -It's not helpful, Pete! It's not helpful.

Yeah, Jose? Jose? I think he's turned it off.

Mr Pitt, I'm trying to talk to you

-but you have to press the button, okay? -Yeah, I know that now.

-Yeah. -JOSE: Okay. I'm going to see if it

works through the house

-So just let me know if you can hear me, okay? -Okay, all right.

-JOSE: [Shouting] Mr Pitt, can you hear me? -Well, of course I can hear you!

-You're right there! -[Buzzer sounding]

PETE: We're okay. Good.

-Hello? -Hi, it's Paulie Jones, estate agent.

I'm here for the valuation.

Hi! Could you not be an estate agent?

I don't want them to know. Can you say you're an interior designer?

-Yeah. -Er, yeah, all right. [laughs]

-And as quick as you can? -Yeah.

-Just need to get some videos, some photos. -JOSE: Mr Pitt! Can you hear me?

-[Mobile ringing] -I am on the first floor!

-Er... -JOSE: Mr Pitt!

-Hey, man! -Just one second, I'm...

-PAULIE: Here we go... -Yes, I can, Jose!

-Okay, great! -Can you stop shouting! Who are you?

Issy? Finally, you're up! You've got to clear out of that room.

-RICHARD: Your grandmother's moving into it. -ABS: Who's he?

-What's he doing? -Oh, he's not doing anything.

-Coming through. -ISSY: Dad, are you joking?

What do you mean that she's moving into my room?

Mr Pitt, can you hear me?

RICHARD: Yes, I can hear you. Ricky!

-Get up! -ISSY: Dad! Explain to me,

-she's moving into my room? -PAULIE: Gracious,

-with Scandinavian touches. -RICHARD: I can't explain...

Come in here, I've got to test this baby monitor.

-Baby monitor? What baby monitor? -ABS: Hello?

-What? -Hello?

-What do you want, Abs? -ABS: Hey, yeah...

I was wondering what you were thinking of wearing to karaoke later.

I was thinking we could do fancy dress. What do you think?

-No, I don't... I've got to go! -ABS: Richard! Richard...

Okay, you're grandmother's not very well, so she's going to move in here

-and she is going to stay in your room... -Why...

-Mr Pitt? -Yes!

This is complete shit!

Where am I supposed to stay then?

Well, you spend most of your time sleeping at Zahra's.

-Stay there. -ZAHRA: Sleeping at mine?

What is he talking about?

Dad!

-RICHARD: What did I say? -She hasn't been sleeping at Zahra's!

-She's been sleeping with her tutor! -Why didn't you tell me?

I did tell you!

-Why are you filming this, Pete? -It works!

Pete, turn that off!

[theme music playing]

-[video call beeps] -I'm here now...

Quick! Quick, very much quick, because I am at work.

So, let's go, go, go. I'll kick off, shall I?

Obviously, Nigel has been

popping himself into other people's cubby holes.

That's, obviously, the main agenda, I'm assuming, for today.

Meaning Nigel has been...

Popping himself in other people's cubby holes.

I mean, you know, the thing is...

-[can popping open] -...I'm very liberal.

All holes are goals

and I... I understand that.

However, we do have our

public image to think of and obviously, being in PR, I'm well aware that

it's manageable but I think if you're entering so many cubby holes it's very difficult to

cover one's trail, as it very much were.

Fiona, can I ask what you're drinking?

-It's just a very little gin and tonic. -Ah.

Erm, alcohol in a session is very much

-a no-no... -Well, I have the constitution of a...

Of a small, Welsh pit pony

and I think I shall be fine.

-[Inhales] -Now, shall we quickly get on with the matters in hand?

So, the right, honourable Nigel is having an affair?

Well, supposedly there is a front-runner.

And the front-runner is Robin.

-Robin? -Nigel's PA.

A young, young man in his prime.

Vigorous, youthful, muscles like a hard paddle.

Smooth-grained and soft to the touch.

His thick hair, it's lustrous and shiny and

I shouldn't wonder it smells of raspberries.

So, you're ambivalent about Nigel sleeping with a man?

Look, as I've said, a few drinks go down,

the blood all engorges the penis

and they find themselves balls deep in a cubby hole.

Is it something to worry about?

No.

Do we just need to manage it? Hell yes.

And that's the worry, is it? That this will come out?

-That he's having an affair with somebody or... -Yeah, I do see a little bit

of management being needed in terms of

the cubby hole situation.

I'm quite happy to stand by a nice gate somewhere in Surrey

and look a little bit mournful.

It's my duty, as the spouse of a parliamentary member.

And I think if we can contain this, I don't see there's really a problem.

[Video call ringing]

-[Video call beeps] -Hello! Erm, how are you? You must be Nathan.

-Hi, Richard. -What brings you to therapy today?

Well, I got an email for like an introductory offer,

-I suppose? -Yeah.

NATHAN: Well, I thought I'd follow up, just because, why not?

RICHARD: Sure.

Er, well, tell me a bit about yourself. What's, er... What should I know about you?

Er, so I'm a 31-year-old.

Er, I'm a digital media, er, lecturer.

I live in West London.

-Er... -Are you in a relationship at the moment?

I am. I'm a few months into a new...

-Yeah, relationship, I suppose you could call it. -Yeah. Well, that's wonderful!

-Er, someone you met at work? -Er, yeah, she... She...

To be honest, she's one of my students, actually.

But, I mean, you said your "students", we're not talking...

-No, oh, God no, she's 19 years old. -Oh, 19! Fine.

-Oh, you lucky bastard! -[Cackles]

-Nineteen. And you're 31? -Well...

It's perfectly acceptable.

She's an adult, and we all need to try and be open-minded.

Exactly. So, for example, the first time I saw Issy in class

I thought she was one of those problem kids who I can't get them to concentrate,

and how am I going to engage with her?

What was the... What was the name again?

Issy... Isabelle.

-What college was this? -Er, at Hampton College.

It's funny because actually, we talked about this recently.

Teenagers, they're so experimental, and she herself... -Yeah, Nathan!

When you just said "teenager" it did alter my perception

of what is going on here. "Teenager"!

-Issy is a fully-formed adult. -Yeah...

-And when I say "fully-formed", I mean... -She may seem fully-formed

but she's actually 19 and 19 is young.

I'll bet if you look back at photos of you when you were 19, you'd go, "My God! [Laughs]

"I thought I was so old

"but I was literally a child."

You seem a little uneasy

about the relationship, which is fine but maybe we should talk...

-Yeah. -More about it. Do you have any other...

-If you like, look at the website. -[stammers]

That would be terrific. Thanks so much for calling, Nathan.

-Have a good day. -[Video call disconnects]

[Phone ringing]

[Ringtone sounding]

Shit!

Hey, oi! Hey, hey, hey!

Did you set that up?

-I didn't! -Ricky!

-Yeah, I did. -You did!

Do you realise how unethical that is?

Yeah, Dad, but I tried telling you!

You've put me in a really difficult position.

You... You could have just come clean.

[Imitating mockingly]

I'll deal with it.

Let's hope he doesn't call again.

-[Video call ringing] -Shut up!

-[Video call beeps] -Hi!

-Hi. -Is Mum there yet?

-No. -Okay.

-So, when's she coming. -Later. Tonight...

-[Mutters] -So what kind of stuff have you got to do for mum now?

Are you... Are you kind of going to be...

Does she... How does she go to the toilet and stuff?

Is she, like, able to just...

I mean, does she have to wear a nappy or anything like that?

-She's not an invalid, she's just... -Okay.

She's just... I've just got to keep her away from the pub.

-Okay, well that's... -I mean, I have

hired a carer...

-Good. -Who is quite expensive.

-Well, it's good. I mean, it's really good. -No, you're welcome.

-It's really good. I've had a... -You're welcome.

-...really productive day, just writing. -Oh, good. I'm glad you have.

-Yeah. -I feel like I've made a really...

A kind of big breakthrough

-in terms of just... -You find a pen?

-Sorry, that was sarcastic... -Yeah.

-And I'm glad you had a breakthrough. -Thanks.

Er, and I've really got to get back to it, so I can't really stay

talking, talking, talking for long, but, like, erm...

Good luck, and everything. And well done.

-Yeah. -And you know, like,

-I mean, you know... -Okay, go back in your little Tupperware box,

-seal up the edges... -Is that what...

-Don't let the world in. -Yeah.

-That's fine. -You don't know anything...

-We won't infect your world... -...about my life.

...with our actual real-life issues. -And if you just need any,

-you know, if you ever need anyone to come... -We'll leave you

-pristine. -...like help or babysit or anything,

-don't call me. -I kind of knew that.

-Okay, bye. I hate you! -I hate you too!

-I hate you. Bye! -Bye!

-[Video call hangs up] -[Video call ringing]

-Hey! -[Club music playing]

-Ah, Abs. -How are you doing, Richard?

-What are you doing? -I'm just getting a couple extra reps ins.

What... What'd you want?

Congratulations on the vasectomy.

I've booked you in for Monday afternoon.

So Monday afternoon is V-day.

You're... Why are you booking my vasectomy?

At 3:00 today, you've got a phone consultation with the urologist.

She's the best ball doctor in the business.

It's going to be off the chain!

Okay, dude. Peace.

-Peace. -[Video call hangs up]

-[Video call ringing] -[Video call beeps]

-[Video call ringing] -[Video call beeps]

-Richard -Hi, Dad.

What can I do for you?

I'm just ringing to say that I've... I've... I'm going to take Mum in

-and it's all sorted and she's going to move in here. -I know.

You've told me.

I only need to be told something once.

Yeah, erm, the other thing was...

-Erm, this is a bit delicate because... -Don't waffle, Richard.

-I'm sorry. I... -Straight to the point.

Okay, you're... You're going to die.

I know. Sorry, I'm just trying to get straight to the point.

You're going to die and I just wondered if you though of inheritance tax.

Inheritance tax, Dad.

If you gift your children your property now,

then there's no inheritance tax to pay.

-I know. -And that would really,

really help me and John and Katherine because

it would really financially benefit us.

[Inhales sharply] Richard.

-Yeah? -Who says I've

stopped having children.

Think about that. Bye!

-[Video call hangs up] -[Video call ringing]

-[Video call beeps] -Er,

thank you for taking this call.

I'm calling because of something my father just said to me

and I really need to speak to you about it.

He said, and I quote,

"Who says I've stopped having children?"

Did you feel like Pinocchio? Did you want to be

turned from a puppet into a real boy

and had Geppetto's real love for you?

Yes. Yes, I do. I do, I feel wooden.

I feel...

I don't feel real.

He's doing something that I've been asked to

give up. My wife wants me to have a vasectomy.

She's asking me to lose the power

to have children, and just at that moment,

and I don't think this is a coincidence,

just at that moment he threatens to have more.

You're imagining a collusion between

what your father is doing spermatically

with what your wife has in mind

and they're not the same thing.

Part of me understands yes, we don't want to have a child,

that'd be about an absolutely nightmare.

And we wouldn't be bound by contraception...

Is this because she's refusing to use contraception,

-or you don't want to use a condom or both? -[Sighs]

Well, I mean, I do use condoms.

But time is money.

She's, you know...

-And yet you are the conqueror in the bed. -RICHARD: Yeah.

Well, how long will that last?

As a man,

once I've procreated,

what does she need me for?

Well, first and foremost you are

essentially, a very anal being.

That's true.

That requires no vasectomy.

-That is true. -Victory.

-Everybody wins. -RICHARD: Yeah.

I'm not going to be reduced.

Good. That's what you've arrived at.

-I'm not going to be... -Snipped.

-Snipped. -E-mail her assistant

and say, "Fuck that, I'm not doing it".

Yeah, I'm not going to have it.

Revere the rectum.

-Yes! Thank you so much! -[Video call disconnects]

[Video call ringing]

-Hi, Neil. -Richard.

-Hey, how are you? -I can't wait

to get going in this next session, mate, to be honest.

-Oh, good. -I've thought of nothing else since last time.

What... What particularly did, er, did it throw off for you?

Like, I never thought of anything before

and, like, I realised, "Oh, yeah"...

-Oh, okay. -"...that's why I'm like that."

So... So let's talk, maybe, about the world of work for you

and how that's been.

Did you go and do any training? Did you get some qualifications or...

Sort of did various jobs.

[Stammers] The sort of things, like,

nobbling horses,

you know, break into a stable and dose a horse up with something.

And from there I thought, "I'm going to make money".

So I went to London to try and get into, er,

-you know, into banking. -Okay.

You know, it was bullshitting, really...

-Yeah. -I used to pretend I was a trader.

-Right. -I used to get my sister into

be an escort, and now I have meetings with these clients

from Singapore, places like that.

Just bullshit, base... I've always been good at that.

You got your sister to be an escort?

Yeah, well she had never been to London before.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, from there I got into doing a bit of trading

and, this will surprise you...

-Will it? -The thing I liked most about trading

was the physicality of it.

-How do you mean? -Because I became a derivatives trader...

-Right. -...and it makes

such a difference

if you add a level of threat and violence to the interaction.

-I see. -This is where I came into my own, you know?

RICHARD: Right. And...

And now you're in the loan...

-You're a loan-arranger. -Yeah.

What set of skills do you have there that's...

-That's helpful? -Oh, I'm good at maths.

-Right. -Oh, and some weaponry.

-Do you... -You've got to be threatening, even without weaponry.

-Do you enjoy that side of it? -It feels brilliant.

Like, you know when you get someone by the neck?

-Tell me. -And then you squeeze their neck so hard

that their eyes start to bulge out a bit?

Then they shit themselves, do you know that?

What, that's pleasurable?

-So that... Yeah. -You enjoy that feeling?

-Yeah. -RICHARD: The thing is, Neil,

I'm starting to feel a little bit out of my depth here.

No, no, no, no. This is normal stuff.

-Well, I'm not sure just talking to me... -Shut up!

-I'm not sure just... -Shut up!

-I can't. -We are carrying on with this!

I can't carry on with it, Neil. I can't.

I don't know what I'm doing with...

We are going on with this!

-[Stammers] -NEIL: Well fucking carry on with it!

Turn your back on me I'll fucking come around there

and fucking kill you, mate!

-Do you get the message? -I can't...

-I just... -See, you got me going there.

-I don't want to get you going. -I didn't enjoy that.

-Didn't you? -I need it. You need to carry on with this.

-You need to carry on with this, mate. -Okay.

Fucking hell! Why are you doing this to me?

-I'm not doing anything to you. -Fuck!

Let me... Let me... Let me lay out where I think we are.

All right, all right!

-Keep going. I'll take some money off. -Yes?

-I'll take some money off the debt. -We'll, carry on.

I'll take some money off their debt, just carry on!

-Okay, thanks, Neil. -[Groaning and screaming]

[Video call disconnects]

[Keyboard clicking]

[Footsteps approaching]

MAN: [On video] A vasectomy is male...

-Erm... -MAN: ...sterilization.

RICHARD: Vasectomies. PETE: What the fucking hell?

-Oh! -Oh!

-Jesus! -Whoa.

PETE: Why the hell are you watching this?

RICHARD: Karen's making me have one.

Why, because you don't want to have any more children?

Er... We're not going to have children anyway.

- Not at our age. -PETE: Because Wendy's desperate to get pregnant.

And she's naked, back home, just waiting.

That's just two percent of lust.

Too much information.

PETE: I probably should get one of these.

Christ!

Yeah.

-You should. -Huh?

You should get a vasectomy.

Oh, you're joking. No.

RICHARD: And if you get one pretending you're me,

then Karen's medical insurance will pay for it.

-MAN: [On video] ...sperm to clear out. -Okay.

-Yeah? Yeah? -Yeah. Yeah.

-Yeah? Yeah? -Yeah. Yeah.

[Video call ringing]

-[Video call beeps] -Er, hello.

-Er, hi. -Mr Pitt.

Yes, this is... Well, I'm not Mr Pitt, this is Mr Pitt here.

-Sit down, Mr Pitt. Sit down. -PETE: No, I just...

-No, I can't. -Mr Pitt?

PETE: I can't do it.

-I'm Dr Mandal. -Good.

I'll be performing your vasectomy.

-Okay. -Can I just confirm some details with you?

-Yeah. -Okay, full name including any middle names?

-Er, Richard... -RICHARD: [Whispers] James.

...James Pitt.

Any health problems, or are you on a medication at the moment?

-Any allergies? -[Whispering] I'm not going to do anything?

-Sorry? -No.

Okay. Are you aware of what the procedure entails?

Just

tie it up and

hope for the best.

Erm, we can discuss that

when you're in the clinic.

-Yeah. -But we advise that you refrain from

sexual intercourse

-or masturbation for... -Oh. Really?

Er, yeah. From ten to 15 days after the procedure.

Fucking hell!

Is that going to be a problem?

Sexual intercourse... Ooph. But

masturbation, that's quite a big deal in our house.

-[Chuckles heartily] -Yeah.

Are you aware that you'll need to wax in advance?

-[Richard chuckling softly] -Is that... [Clears throat]

-Are you all right? -Yeah.

Okay.

So, erm, if you're happy

then we will see each other in the surgery.

-Thank you. -All right, then.

-[Video call disconnects] -You made me!

You made me do it!

-You've done it now. -This always happens!

-You made me! -You're in. You're locked in.

-You've got to go. -You can't do this again!

You're locked in.

It's like that time you made me nick from the corner shop.

-You made me do it! -[Video call ringing]

-You're locked in! -And I had to...

-I can't do it! -You can. You're going to have to.

PETE: You... RICHARD: Go on. Go and shave them. Wax them.

-You made me! -Uh-huh.

-PETE: The blood is on your hands! -[Video call beeps]

-Alison. -Richard.

It's been eight weeks since our last session.

It's... It's nine, actually.

-[Paper crinkles] -Because there were the group sessions

-and then I spoke to you last week. -RICHARD: Right.

So her death

-twenty years ago... -Twenty years.

-...is still very foreground for you? -Of course.

-Yeah. -It seems to keep being reinvented, Richard.

-In your mind, or, or... -I think in the collective consciousness, actually.

-Mmm. -And you can see from her funeral

just all of the different people who turned up and

everyone's got different perspectives of her.

-Mmm. -She loved people.

You could see that she...

-Her face lit up... -In public, she did.

Well, in private there wouldn't have been any people,

so I don't quite know what you mean.

I think what I'm trying to say is,

is that we don't know what goes on in the minds of strangers.

Diana isn't a stranger.

-Well, in many ways, Alison, she is. -No.

But in... In... Yeah, she is.

She was our friend.

Yeah, no, I mean, she obviously struck a cord

in many people, and in you,

and that cord has been ringing

-for the last 20 years. -Yeah.

And I think the key, Alison, and we've talked about this many times,

is finding out what it was in your life

at that time...

You keep talking about this, Richard,

and I don't know what you mean, really. -She is your life.

And what I want to achieve is that your life

is you.

But everyone has parts of their lives

to do with other people.

-I mean, you're married, aren't you? -Yes, but I've met my wife.

We've been in the same room together.

-[Sighs] -Did Lady Diana know who you were?

I don't know, Richard! Just... You're gloating,

and I don't accept it!

-I'm not gloating. -About having met your wife.

I'm not gloating, Alison,

-I just want you to move on... -And I didn't want to marry Diana anyway.

Well, I'm not suggesting you should marry Diana,

-I'm suggesting... -Well, good.

But Diana didn't have a fucking clue who you were!

She doesn't know who you are.

-You're trying to suggest that she didn't care, Richard! -Yes!

-And she did care! -That's exactly what I'm

-trying to suggest! -She cared about all of us!

-No, she didn't! -Have you seen the footage?

She cared about people she met! -She held that man's hand

without a glove on and he had AIDS!

-She... -Do you realise how unprecedented that was?

No, I'm saying that you are... You are sheltering from your life

under a Diana-shaped rock.

What do you think you're doing?

I'm trying to grab you by your ankle

and yank you out of there.

What should be important to me?

You.

I don't want to betray her.

[Mobile ringing]

-RICHARD: Hey, you've landed. -Hi. Sorry, traffic was terrible.

-Right, you'll be home soon? -I'll be back soon.

-RICHARD: Okay, how was Zurich? -It's been a complete nightmare.

-Oh, no! -The company, it's in such trouble.

-Really? -I've got to make

so many redundancies on Monday, I'm dreading it.

-Oh... -So, I don't know where that's going to leave us.

Can you take the bridge?

Heard Vernon was talking about your company.

He thinks it's really a grower.

-Well, I mean, it's going great... -So I thought,

maybe I should think about having a year off,

or just a bit of a break

-and... -Yeah, eventually.

And you bring the money in, and...

-Eventually that... That... -You'll be the breadwinner and I'll just...

-We can definitely talk about that. -I'm sorry, darling.

-[Mobile ringing] -The London office is calling.

-But don't... But don't... -I've got to go.

No, I've got to speak...

TERRY: [On voice call] Hello?

-RICHARD: Is that Terry? -I haven't done anything like this before.

Right. What brings you to therapy today, er, Terry?

-Well, it's money problems. -RICHARD: Is it?

It's just, erm,

completely taken over me life.

Yes, I... I... Well.

It's the worst thing that's ever happened to me.

-Yeah. -TERRY: It all started

about 18 months ago, I suppose.

I got a phone call from this lady.

She said, "You've won..." She said,

"One hundred and forty-eight point-two million pounds

"on the Euro lottery".

Just like that.

What... Did you lose the money?

You'd think, wouldn't you, that money would make you happy.

-Yeah. -Well, I haven't been happy since I won this bloody money.

-Oh. -You know, I've got all this

just dangling about the place.

It means nothing.

-[Sighs] -It means absolutely nothing.

-RICHARD: Don't do that, Terry.

-This is a curse, this stuff. -Yeah.

-I wake up every morning... -Oh, God.

Just it's... You know.

-It just gets me down. -Yeah.

[Stammering] I don't know what you can do to help me.

I think I might have to top myself, you know, Richard?

I... I... I understand how difficult this must be for you.

You have an issue that most people would look at and say,

-"Oh, my God. That is the answer to all my problems". -Yeah.

You know, we all have money problems.

You have too much, I have, er...

Er, a mother who's sick and needs round-the-clock care.

All right, then.

My daughter is, er... She's ran up a lot of student debts,

-Huge debts... -Ah, really?

Yeah, I mean, nothing 110 grand wouldn't knock a hole in.

But, you know...

-Er... -That's not your problem, Terry.

Nope.

So I wouldn't, er, I wouldn't, erm, burden you with it

because this is your time, not mine.

Oh, you've got a lot on your plate.

I have, Terry. I have.

-Of course, the simplest thing would be... -Yeah.

-If I gave you... -Yeah.

...twenty million pounds,

I supposed you think, you know, all your problems would be over.

But... [Groans] I wouldn't. I'll tell you,

it's a mad's game, being rich.

-Right. -TERRY: So... [Muttering]

That's the... That's the end of it.

-Right. -TERRY: Well,

-you've been very helpful. -[Dejected] Yeah.

TERRY: I'm very grateful.

-[Groans] -RICHARD: Okay. Okay.

-[Terry groaning] -I mean, you could...

-Are you all right? -TERRY: God.

[Muttering indistinctly]

-Terry? -[Gurgling] God!

-[Muttering] -Terry?

-Terry, can you hear me? -[Muttering indistinctly]

-Just get it... -I don't know what I can...

Terry!

-Terry? -[Terry thuds to floor]

Terry?

Don't die on me, Terry!

-Oh, for the love of... -[Groaning]

-Oh! Oh, Jesus, Terry! -Oh, God.

-Trapped wind. -RICHARD: Oh, my goodness gracious me.

-[Exhales sharply] -For a moment there I was really worried that something

-had happened to you. -I'm all right.

Erm...

Have you made a will?

[Voice call disconnects]

Darling?

-Hey, oh! -Ah!

Oh, it is so good to see you.

Great to see you. How was your trip?

-Oh, it's been awful. -Has it?

-Yeah, how are you? -Oh, no!

-Yeah, I'm good. -How's it going?

-It's going great. -Yeah?

-Mmm-hmm. -The kids all right?

-The kids are great. -Great!

[Kids screaming and arguing]

ZAHRA: Do you even care about me? This is not an open relationship, is it?

[Stifles laughter]

-Exciting. -[Door banging]

-You know what that's about? -Not really.

Ah, Mr Pitt.

She left a message.

She's just about to arrive.

Who the fuck is that?

That's Jose.

He's going to be looking after

my mother, who is

moving in.

She's what?

-[Buzzer sounding] -That's her now.

[Buzzer sounding]

-Ricky! -Mom!

It's always much further than I think.

I've completely run out of money.

Taxi's still going.

-Have you got any spare cash? -Don't do this to me.

-Hello, Candace. -It's Karen.

-MAGGIE: Mmm, ah, no. -Erm...

Hello, Mum.

Oh, darling! [Laughs]

Richard, I'm going to be upstairs, I think.

Erm, Maggie, unfortunately...

-MAGGIE: What? -...I'd love to have you to stay,

-Hmm? -KAREN: But we just don't have any room.

-Oh, well, we'll have to... -And...

It's all been arranged already.

-Exactly. -No, I can't cope...

-I can't cope... -Do you know what I really wouldn't mind? A cup of tea.

A cup of tea. Good idea.

-Richard, can we have a word? -No sugar.

Thanks awfully. Oh, hello.

Er, I'm ready.

-Great, this is Jose. He's a... -Yes, I know Jose.

He's going to be moving in.

MAGGIE: Oh, Good. RICHARD: He'll be staying in the office...

-Ooh. -...and Mum will be sleeping in Issy's room.

And you've talked to Issy about that, have you?

-Yes, Issy's going to be moving in with Zahra. -[Issy screaming upstairs]

-[Issy screams] -ZAHRA: That's it, I'm done.

I can't believe you cheated on me!

-ISSY: I didn't! -I just can't believe you anymore!

[Zahra sobbing]

The minute they sort that out.

Yeah. So I'm going upstairs...

-No. No, you're not. -[Mobile ringing]

-What... -Oh!

-I've got all my luggage outside. -It's Abs!

-Abs? -Hey, Abs.

-Mr P! -RICHARD: Hi.

-It's Abs. -Are you ready for some karaoke?

-I am. Say hello to Abs. -Oh...

-Abs, he'll be out in a minute. -Hello, Abs.

Hey, guys!

-KAREN: I need to talk... -Well, I'll leave you two

-to catch up. -No, no, no, no, no. Richard!

Richard!

ABS: Mr P, I've got six hours booked,

-how are you feeling? -Like a cock in a blender.

Ha-ha! I like your style.

Look, I don't want to rush you, but I booked the platinum suite.

It's not cheap.

There better be booze.

[Theme music playing]

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