Original subtitles

I've had a call from the hospital.

It's about your mother.

-Oh. -She's had a fall.

-Oh. -Off the wagon.

Do you not know why I'm calling you?

Do you not know what danger you're in, mate?

Absolutely no question. You're getting your money.

Promo! Let's do a promo.

PETE: You come into the website immediately.

"Richard Pitt. Therapy."

-Have you ever had therapy? -No.

-Do you want some? -We'll do it one day.

-Okay. -And then, if not,

I'll come around and stick needles in your eyes.

Okay, um, I'm nervous,

but I think you are gonna like this.

-Okay. -I put a lot of work into it.

Um, sit back, relax, enjoy.

[Hardcore music plays]

[Screams]

-Pete? -Yeah?

-I have to be honest. -Please do.

That is unbelievably shit.

Pete, that is so wide off the mark.

I don't even know where to begin.

Some of these people are in a really difficult place

and that would push them over the edge.

Can you do it again? But different and better.

[Sighing] Honestly, I'm rushed off my feet here.

Yeah, you need to remember Ricky's birthday, darling.

Oh, yeah. You gonna be 15 soon, Ricky.

-Sixteen! -Sixteen.

-Ask him what he wants to do? -What'd you want for your... what'd you want to do?

-Basketball tickets. -Basketball tickets.

-Great idea! You sort that out, okay? -Yeah, but what we actually need

is food. That's the only thing that matters. I feel like I can't even cope.

-Why hasn't he gone to the shop? -He doesn't care. That's what...

Hey, this isn't a food bank, okay? Why don't you eat at Zahra's?

You two are here all the time!

I mean, how is that even relevant? Pete is here the whole time.

Yeah, well, I'm not shagging Pete, am I?

I don't even know what he means by that. It's just so offensive.

-Izzy, darling... -I just can't.

-Can you just call me, please? -Yes, of course.

-The drama! -Listen, she's probably hungry.

-You've got to feed the children, Richard, okay? -I will.

-I really need some food. -Okay, all right.

-Hello, Liam. -He is so weird.

-He's a darling. Leave him alone. -Where are my festival tickets?

Festival tickets, are we okay with that?

-Yes, you sort that out. -All right.

-I'll speak to you later. -I'll talk to you later.

Mum, mum, mum, mum, mum!

[Laptop rings]

Hi, sis. You are harder to get a hold of than Tracey Evans' dentists!

[Typing]

-What are you doing now? -I'm just writing. I'm trying to write.

Oh, you're trying to write. What are you writing?

It's my novel. You know I'm writing a novel.

You've probably forgotten or don't really care.

Okay, I'm the bearer of bad news.

RICHARD: Mum has had a catastrophic relapse and is in hospital.

I'm sorry to have to tell you that.

Yeah, and? And what?

And she is gonna be discharged shortly

and she is gonna have to come and live with...

I mean, one of us, but you, I thought you would be the one.

Sorry, I'm not quite sure how you got to that.

You've got space. I don't.

I haven't got space, Richard.

You know I've only got a two-bedroom house,

and Chrissy lives in the other room. We don't have space.

Could Chrissy not stay in a different room?

No.

That's the room she rents. She lives in the room.

Like, why would she stay in a different room?

-Yeah, why would she? -I don't know what you're getting at, Richard.

-No, I don't have the space. -Don't you?

You live in a kind of UN building...

Yeah, we do, and we've got 42 refugees staying here.

Have you seen how many children are in this house?

I thought you wanted to adopt, anyway.

No, not a 70-year old woman.

Okay, as far as I can see,

it's really quite straightforward.

She wants to kill herself. I'm happy to drive her to Switzerland,

and we can get it done professionally.

Can I just stop you there? Because your compassion is just overwhelming me.

Richard, you're the one who's getting involved in it. You're the one who, like, cares.

I'm asking one thing.

Please be on a conference call with our brother.

Sorry, why you getting Jon on the phone?

What's he got to do with anything?

Isn't he just shooting people in Iraq or something?

Say no more. Say no more.

-I'll see you. I'll see you at 3:00. -I'm not gonna be there at 3:00.

-I'll see you at 3:00. -I'm not gonna be there.

-I'm not gonna be there. -At 3:00.

[Ringing]

Hello?

Hello, Martin. I'm Richard.

RICHARD: Hello? Hello?

Can you hear me?

-I'm not deaf. -All right, sorry.

I just noticed the hearing aid.

-They're not working ones. -Okay.

It stops people talking to you.

Because they think you're deaf?

Pardon?

Because they think you're deaf?

-Sorry, I can't hear you. Just give me a sec. -All right.

-What? -You don't want to talk to people in the restaurant?

People don't have to talk to me. I don't like it when they talk to me.

It's unnecessary. I don't require it.

I assume this therapy must be a little problematic for you?

I'm not at my most comfortable, no.

And what was it that took you out of your comfort zone today?

-They have problems upstairs with staffing. -Yeah.

So I'm having to move upstairs to greet the patrons at the door.

Or I will lose my job.

-And you are understandably very anxious about that.

-I have a system... -Mmm.

-in the cloak room and it works. -Mmm-hmm.

People come and go with as little fuss as possible,

and that works.

If they come, and they want a chat, and they want to be friendly,

I shut them down.

I shut them down.

Yeah.

So, what I'd like to offer you today is maybe a coping mechanism

for your stint as maître d' later on.

Well, I need something.

Otherwise, I'm gonna lose this job.

I would suggest a form of what I would call "quiet disguise".

Just for today, maybe wear a cravat or a big flower,

or a pair of glasses.

Or another pair of glasses.

-Like a fancy dress. -Yes.

Like Michael Jackson had a sequined glove, or a monkey, or a thing on his face.

Could I be Spiderman?

Well, would the restaurant go for that?

[Sighs] They might notice.

Then say that Spiderman is undercover.

-Go as Undercover Spiderman? -Yeah.

Exactly.

-Sit there. -Yeah.

-Sit there. -Yeah.

-But, you know... -You, sit there.

Yeah, but gently, mostly.

[Groaning]

Yeah, yeah, but gently, gently.

-Sit there! -Yeah, Martin...

-Sit there! -I think they know where to sit now.

Hi, Richard.

Karen, I need to talk to you about my mother.

-Yeah, I'm so super horny... -RICHARD: Can I speak to you...

-that you must speak with me. I like this very much. -Hi, Werner.

Hello, hello.

-Now, Karen, if you let us five. -Yes.

Let us five, this is all I demand. Uh, Abs?

-Okay, yes sir. -You are still here?

No, I'm... I'm gone, sir.

I must speak with my friend, Richard.

-Hello! -Werner.

I'm so sorry that I'm make them away.

I'm just trying to speak to Karen about something very important.

Yeah, but I'm telling you about this very important work that she makes here with me.

-Okay. -Because, you know, Gene Flicks...

-Yeah. -Yeah, we are selling the company to the Chinese

because they make much better factories as us.

Well, I can talk all day about this, but unfortunately...

Well, I want a little bit of therapy.

Can I tell you a story from before a long time?

Is it a short story?

I was a little boy in the east of Germany,

and I come from school-time with a little friend for me.

And my mother, she is there.

And she say, "Hello, hello." And my mother, she is...

only the breasts.

She don't have a blouse on her, she don't have breast holders,

she is only the breasts and she is smoking.

And I am so shock.

I look at my friend next to me,

and he makes already the hangman in his pants,

and you know, he go in the bathroom,

yeah, his hand is probably 200 kilometer.

From then on, I am the kid with the only-the-breast mama.

I don't know what you say to this but...

Karen, she is to me, a little bit,

a little bit only the breasts.

RICHARD: Wow.

Well, Werner, I...

Could you get Karen to just give me a call?

-Yeah. -Would that be okay? Thank you.

-I'll do that -All right. Thank you. Bye now.

[Ringing]

Fuck!

-Richard. -Jon?

What do you want?

-Mum's been in hospital. -Oh, fuck she's a cold one.

-She's not dead. -Oh, good.

We need to decide what to do with our mother

because she can't live on her own any more.

Oh, for fucks sake, Richard, just strap on a pair if you can't grow them!

Here we go again!

Jonny, can you get the football from next door?

Jonny, can you go to the Toya concert with me?

You enjoyed that Toya concert!

It was all right, but not a patch on Blondie.

Can you come here today at 3 o'clock?

Can I fuck?

You, me and Katherine, we need to decide what to do

-and we're gonna call you... -Listen!

Katherine's got no room?

I'm in the middle of fucking nowhere.

-You have a huge house. Deal with it! -I can't. I can't!

-I can't. -Incoming!

[Explosion]

[Clamouring]

[Indistinct screams]

I've got to go. I'll try and leave my laptop on for you.

[Static sounds]

[Indistinct]

[Beep]

Hello, darling. Sorry I missed you.

I'm on lunch and Werner's out of the office.

So, uh, just to say I miss you and I'm sorry I'm not around again tonight.

I know how hard it is with the kids.

Keep trying and um, yeah, I'll be home.

I don't know when, but I'll be home.

And I love you.

[Ringing]

-Neil, hello. -Hello.

Welcome to your first therapy session.

I'm looking forward to this. I think we're gonna have a...

a cracking time.

So, let's just begin if I may. Just tell me a little bit about your family.

When I was about 15, I'd sex with my mum.

-Just been out drinking, you know. -Who? You?

-Yeah, both of us, yeah. -Yeah.

Did you have brothers and sisters?

I do, yeah. I mean, we're very close in age.

Lots of cousins. I used to have sex with my cousins as well.

Well, it sounded like you all kept very busy.

Then there's my stepdad as well.

-Okay. -Well, he was weak.

-You sense that, don't you, when you're a kid? -Yeah.

So I started to poison him a bit.

Grinding up painkillers and putting it in his tea and stuff like that.

-How's he now? -I didn't kill him.

-No, no, no. I was just... -But I did dose him with rat poison once.

-Right. -He had a seizure, but they knew it was me.

They found me. So I accused him of fiddling with me.

-Had he been fiddling? -No, no, no.

-Right. -But that's how I got out of it.

That's how I discovered I'm quite a good liar.

Right. Were you happy with your own company?

Yeah. I'm still like that now.

You like to be on your own?

When I spoke to you, first time, I instantly wanted to

go around and break your legs.

-Right. Yeah. -But I didn't.

I took loads of coke and went to a strip club.

So that chilled me out a bit.

I just got to say thank you.

You've been very honest with me. You've been very open.

I used to take nude pictures of me uncle.

Right. Can we look at that next time?

Not the pictures, but just the topic.

Thank you. Thank you for your honesty. That was a terrific session.

I'll make a note of it, so we can adjust my debt to you accordingly.

And let's get together very soon for the next session.

-All right. -Cheers, Neil. Bye.

Fuck!

Oh, shit.

[Gunshot]

[Video game sounds]

[Ringing]

Hello?

-Hi. -Hi!

-Hello. -Is it Jane Ross?

-Yes, Jane. -Hi.

-I see, is that a cot behind you? -Yes.

Yeah, yeah, I have a...

Oh, wow.

-Oh, my goodness. -Quite a lot of baby in there.

-So is that cot for that baby? -Hopefully, yeah.

-You don't have... -No, no. I don't have any more. No, this is my first.

I thought you might be the person who witnesses my waters breaking and has to

come and take me to the hospital.

Because I haven't got anyone else to do that.

You're on your own. Is that what you're saying?

I think in life, we're never really on our own, even if we're on our own.

-But are you on your own? -I have a dog. I have a dog.

-Oh, you have a dog. -And the father of the baby

was just this guy I was at work with.

Sadly, he had to go. He was transferred to Portsmouth, so...

Which I know isn't too far, but he felt it was too far, so.

I'm completely happy and really excited about doing it all on my own.

Great.

So, are your parents excited about the baby?

Um, I'm sure they would be.

They unfortunately are not with us any more.

They passed away together about five years ago.

-They passed away together? -It was really lovely.

It was a beautiful story really. And they just thought, you know,

"We're on a cliff. Let's go for it."

-They jumped off a cliff together? -Yeah.

Sweet.

How have you and the rest of your family dealt with that?

-Um... -Is there a "rest of your family"?

-Yes, I've got a sister. -Oh, great. Great.

-Are you close? -Yeah, we're very close.

I see her every day at the moment.

So yeah, we're great.

She's into the baby?

-Well, she doesn't really know about it yet. -She doesn't know?

-Somewhere in there, she knows about the baby. -Why? Where is she?

She is in a coma.

She's in a coma?

Um, she was attacked in the Congo...

Um, by a rebel army.

-She was attacked by an army? -She's absolutely fine. She's just in a coma.

That's not technically, absolutely fine.

Three of her friends died. So, compared to them, she's absolutely fine.

I suppose that's what I mean.

Do you mind if we do a little bit of word association?

-Oh, my God, I love words. -First thing that comes into your head.

-Okay, yeah, yeah, amazing. -Yeah.

So, um...

-Tree. -Abandonment.

-Car. -Leave.

-Pineapple. -Grief.

-Wall. -Everywhere.

-Grave. -Deep.

Tears.

Coming.

-Cry. -No.

-Now. -No.

-Cry. -No.

-Now. Cry. -No. No.

Good.

That's good.

Uh...

so, more sessions?

There are places that people go, and it's specifically for...

-[Ringing] -...alcohol abusers,

who don't know, and who can no longer think.

You're late.

Yeah, that's because somebody didn't turn up quite on time.

-Any resolution made? -No.

This is the situation.

Mum needs somewhere to live.

I can't afford to have her here. So, what are we gonna do?

Who has a spare bedroom and lives nearby?

-Ah, point. -KATHERINE: She hates me.

She hates me. If she wanted to live with me, she would have asked.

She didn't ask to live with any of us.

Yeah, I think she wants to live with you, mate.

Why can't she live with you, daddy pig?

Have a wit, will ya? Look where I am.

-Where are you? -I can't say.

-What's he doing? -I have no idea.

Why don't we phone back when the farmer takes away the food bucket?

All right.

-Someone's gonna have to clear that up. -Get on with it.

Okay, this is why she does not wanna come and live with me.

MOTHER: You're spiteful, you're cowardly, you're nasty.

-You don't care about me. -Fair enough.

You never have. You resented me from your first breath.

-That's true. -That is true.

I don't know how you sleep at night.

How do you sleep at night? How will you sleep at night

-if you don't take her in? -Why would I take her in, Richard?

-Yeah, Richard, come on. -She's our mother, that's why!

-She's your mother as well. -Look, just take her, Richard,

-and stop this fucking pretence. -What pretence?

That you've no money. That you can't have her there.

-I can't take her in. -Is this about the breastfeeding?

-What breastfeeding? -That you weren't breastfed and I was.

You were breastfed till you were six.

-No. -You once told me to bugger off while you were being breastfed.

Now, if a child can tell you to bugger off,

it should not be suckling at a teat.

Okay, is there a compromise to be had here?

Why doesn't she just come and live with Richard, you know, for now.

-That's not a compromise. -For now.

-Come on, Rich. -I think we're on one side for this one.

-I can't. -Come on, Dicky.

Richard, look at me. Look at me, look at me!

I'm looking at you, you big, fucking donkey.

I love you. I think you're doing us a huge favour.

It won't be forgotten. And when I get a chance,

I'll pay you back.

So, sorted? Can I go now?

All right, Jon. Nice to see you.

-You, too. -You two are so...

-Okay, bye. Yeah. -Hopefully see you soon.

Hello, it's Adam? Is it Adam?

Uh, yeah, hello.

So, I'm looking for a carer for my mother,

and I'm wondering if you could tell me a bit about yourself.

-Well, I got lots of experience with caring for people. -Okay.

I mean, like, I've cared for my mum. My poor mum, when she was ill.

-How is she now? -She died.

Right.

-She's not infirm or anything... -Yeah.

It's more like, we need a minder almost.

-Yeah. -Because she has a little bit of an issue with alcohol.

Yeah, so do I.

I've got another job. I think I'll see about working in a bar.

So you're just after a job, really.

It's not a vocation, caring.

It's just for the money.

It's like caring, you know,

because you're looking out for punters as you're giving them pints.

Yeah.

I'm driven, I'm very caring. I'm all for being bubbly.

Bubbly and chatty. Larger than life sort of character, me.

-Yeah. -Friendly.

I've got a job.

I'll be in touch.

Because I think you've got a lot of great qualities, clearly.

And thank you so much for taking the time.

Thank you, thank you. Have a good day.

Yeah, cheers.

-Hello? -Hello, Mr. Pitt?

My name is Jose Duran.

-I am responsible, reliable. I have never been in jail. -Good, good, good.

Have you ever cared for anyone before?

Yes, I care about a lot of people.

-You've got the job. -Oh, great!

-When? Great. -Tomorrow?

-It is a live-in position, yeah? -Live-in, yeah.

-Live-in. -Great, great.

-Okay, I've got to go. -Talk to you tomorrow?

-I'll email you some stuff. -Oh, brilliant.

-And so, I buy the ticket and you will reimburse me? -Yeah, buy it. Buy it.

-Buy a ticket. Bye. I've got to go. -See you tomorrow.

-Bye. -Okay, bye.

[Ringing]

WERNER: Ah, ah, ah...

Ya, hello.

Oh, did I call a wrong number?

No, it's me. It's Werner.

You don't know me?

I do. It's just that I thought I phoned Karen.

You are very beautiful as always, Richard.

And so, it does me a lot of pain

-to say you this now, but we have situation... -Okay.

Very bad. Karen is uh, I have the nose full

of the steam.

And because I follow her in the bathroom,

suddenly this is not good.

Yeah, she say something to me and it's for me a hammer.

And so I call a friend for me. He's not a friend.

He's a Russian. He's a psychopath, a killer.

And he make her away. And I say that's good.

-You killed her on the toilet. -No, we've kidnapped her.

-Hi, Richie. -And she is in a bag,

and we have the cameras, but you must pay.

Okay. I'll pay.

-So that we don't make... -Of course I'll pay. I love her. I need to talk to you, Karen.

-Do you want it... -RICHARD: Privately.

Make yourself free.

No, I mean, can we talk?

-I'll call back then. -RICHARD: Okay, fine.

Mr. Pitt, before you go, how excited are you about karaoke night?

-I couldn't be more excited. -I'm sure it's gonna be amazing.

-Okay. -Take a video.

-See you. Have fun. -I'll see a video of that.

-Bye. -Take a video.

[Ringing]

Neil? Neil, hello.

I haven't got long, but I just wanted to call you because I've been thinking about

-the session. -Right.

-It was great. -Really?

I talked my mouth off to you. I'm surprised at how good it was.

-because it's really opened me eyes. -Oh, Neil.

I just wanna say thanks, mate.

Hey, my pleasure.

I was thinking about all the money you owe me and the situation we're in.

-Right. -You know, that money hanging over...

This... It changes things, doesn't it?

-It does. It does. -It's something I really realised, too.

It's hanging over the whole process.

-It really is. -Yeah, it is.

And it's making me feel awkward not knowing.

-And it's making you feel awkward. -It is.

What's important in this situation is that we have a good relationship.

-Yes! -that is not clouded by things like money.

That's right.

And so, I've been thinking about that.

I've come to a decision. It's quite a difficult one.

But I've come to the decision that I think you should just pay me back in full right away.

Just so we don't have that burden hanging over us.

But, I've got to go. Listen, ta-da.

[Beeps]

[Ringing]

Thank you for taking this call.

I'm sorry, this is out of the blue.

-I've done something really stupid. -Bob Dylan.

"You cannot be wise and in love at the same time."

Right. Thank you.

Are you in love?

Yeah. I love my wife.

-But? -No, I try to compete with her.

I try to be a success to prove my worth.

Do you conquer her vulva?

I'm all over her vulva.

Tongue or penis, or both?

-Whatever's at hand. -Hand?

-Third option. -You know, whatever it takes to show her that I love her.

That's very healthy, Richard.

That area is in a good place.

And actually, thinking about it makes me feel pretty good.

So, in the bed, you feel that you've got balloons sized testicles,

and an enormous phallus.

Is that the contradiction that we're talking about here?

Yes, I think that's it. I think you've hit it on the head.

My bed is my domain. In bed, I'm Aslan in Narnia.

-Mmm-hmm. -In the world,

-I'm... -Rumpelstiltskin.

-Yeah. -Height impaired, powerless, and very, very angry.

Yeah.

You feel in your family

-that you're surrounded by a giant of a father... -Yeah.

-A monstrous giant of a brother. -And I am...

the angry little troll.

David and Goliath, you will win. You will win.

'Cause as Mahatma Gandhi said,

"First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you,

"and then you win."

And you are winning, by talking about it.

[Sniffling]

You feel you've been emotionally butt-fucked by your entire family.

Yeah, yeah, since the age of six.

-This is an incredible breakthrough. -It is.

The first time you have broken down like this.

-Yeah. Yeah. -In many, many years.

That's a very good thing.

Embrace it.

Thank you.

As Taylor Swift said, "Shake it off."

Shake it off.

I'm gonna take Mum in, and it's all sorted.

-She's gonna move in here. -I know.

-Ricky! -Mum!

-You're the whole package, aren't you? -Please stop thanking me.

-It's embarrassing now. -I don't mean it.

-I've got all this and it means nothing. -[Groaning]

-Who says I've stopped having children? -RICHARD: Vasectomies.

Oh, Jesus!

You're trying to suggest that she didn't care, Richard.

Nigel has been popping himself into other people's cubby holes.

Well, first and foremost, you are a very anal being.

♪ 'Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play ♪

♪ And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate ♪

♪ Baby, I'm just gonna shake shake, shake, shake, shake ♪

♪ I shake it off I shake it off ♪

♪ Heartbreakers gonna break break, break, break, break ♪

♪ And the fakers gonna fake, fake, fake, fake, fake ♪

♪ Baby, I'm just gonna shake shake, shake, shake, shake ♪

♪ I shake it off I shake it off ♪

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