Original subtitles

[Buzzer ringing]

Izzy, Ricky, where's my charger?

Karen, have you seen my charger?

KAREN: Morning, Abs. I'll let you in. Just come in.

Uh, Richard, our credit card was declined yesterday.

How's that possible?

Right. My first client's about to call and I'm not ready.

KAREN: Have you got any cash?

Can...can... can you let Abs in, please?

-Ugh...fu... -[Buzzer beeps]

Ricky, Izzy, get up!

Aloha!

Oh, I come in peace.

Uh, Karen, I've got the Chief Exec on the line.

KAREN: Oh God, Already?

Richard, aren't you going to say hello?

Hello, hello.

-Hello, Werner. -Hi, Werner.

Richard, I'm so horny on your wife.

RICHARD: Right.

It's very early here, Werner. What time is it there, 1972?

-Izzy, have you seen my charger? -No.

-Not now, Dad, I don't know. -RICHARD: Right.

Dylan, you're here again? Are you actually homeless?

Girls, I think you have an admirer.

I...I was texting.

Here, hold that and make yourself useful.

[Moaning]

Dad, you're supposed to knock. That was the agreement.

RICHARD: Ricky, where is my charger?

RICKY: I don't know. Check your bedroom or something.

Is Liam actually dead?

Richard, can you remember, it's Ricky's Careers meeting today, please?

Careers meeting... Ricky...I'll remember, I'll remember.

Can you make sure you go with him? Promise me, all right?

[Laughing]

Here, give me that.

RICKY: Dylan, stop stalking my sister.

-[Izzy and Zahra laughing] -RICKY: She's got a girlfriend.

DYLAN: She's so fake though.

-First day? -Yeah.

-How exciting. -Mm-hmm.

-Thank you. -Good luck.

Yeah. Thanks, babe. Thank you.

Where are you holding the sessions?

Ah, in the office. Pete's got it ready.

-Oh, of course he has. -Thank you.

He has.

-Yup, it's nearly ready. -RICHARD: Pete!

RICHARD: What the...

It's...You had one job, Pete,

to get the office ready!

Where's my charger, Izzy! I'm gonna...

I tell you every day.

That charger is important for my work.

Has anyone...

And, this laptop's about to...

...die.

What am I gonna do?

-You should best talk to Tommy. -Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

-Enjoy it. -Okay, thanks.

-Okay? -All right. See you later.

-Yeah. Yeah, go home. -[All talking simultaneously]

-You're not working down here. -No, no, you can go.

-You can all go. -But, Dad...

You need to go!

[All grumbling]

-[Laptop beeps on] -Hell...Pete.

Hello. This is brilliant, isn't it?

Look, Pete, I've got a... I've got...

-Your first day. -Yes...

-Your first client... -I have a client calling...

And who is it? Who is it?

-It's, uh, Michael... -Jackson.

Are you Michael Jackson?

I'm being your guinea pig. I'm just gonna...

Well, I don't need to practise.

I mean I...I haven't done it...

I've accidentally killed my wife.

-Accidentally... -Just give me advice.

What do I do? She's still in the garage, wrapped up in a blanket.

Is this something to do with your feelings towards your actual partner?

No, it's got nothing to do with Wendy.

-Really? -No.

I think, subconsciously, you're so anxious about her wanting to have a child

that you are, subconsciously, thinking about murdering her.

This is getting fucking heavy. This is deep.

If you were a real client, that's the kind of area I would explore.

-I love that woman. -Yeah, but you're...

-PETE: I just do not... -hiding from her in my office.

I just do not want children.

And that's why I've been staying here, Richard.

-Okay? -RICHARD: Yeah.

But if you're going to spend so much time hiding in my new office,

-can you at least put it together... -I just...

-...so it works. -Sure, sure, I just...

-[Panting] I can't. -What are you doing with that?

-I just can't... -Okay, breathe, it's okay, Pete.

-[Pete screams into pillow] -It's all right.

-RICHARD: It's okay. -[Pete screams into pillow]

-You all right? -PETE: Okay, yeah.

I do feel better for that, Richard.

Good.

Okay, listen. I've been looking at the website...

-Let's talk about the website. -I've got it up now, actually.

RICHARD: Uh, I don't think people need to know who designed the website.

PETE: Really? You sure?

No. What matters is that they can pay...

Promo. Promo. Let's do a promotional video.

You come into the website immediately.

"Richard Pitt, Therapy."

Yep, yep, do that. Yeah, do it.

Do you want your credits

-in the website about who you... -Yeah, a little bit about

-who I am would be good. -Where you like to holiday,

-you know? -No, not holiday.

-What you like to do to relax... -No, my professional credits.

-PETE: Okay. -Have a group therapy practice,

that I've been a therapist for many years...

But you didn't complete the course, did you?

-Remember you had that year off? -Yes, yes, yes.

-I'm a qualified therapist. -Really?

-Yes! -You actually are a therapist?

-Yes! -Richard, well done, mate!

-Hello. -Hi, Richard.

How are you, Celia? So nice to, uh...

It's Dr Cain, by the way.

Okay, Dr Cain, of course.

-DR CAIN: Um, just to remind you... -Yeah.

I'm your clinical supervisor, you're my clinical supervisee.

RICHARD: Hmm. DR CAIN: It's not a test.

-I'm really here to help you... -Great.

To achieve your practice certificate.

[In an American accent] Great. We gonna get along just fine.

You and I, we gonna get along just fine.

Yes, I mean, this is quite a serious, um...

-No, sorry, yes. -DR CAIN: ...thing, so,

some of the main things that I have to focus on

is some of your own issues.

Um, so this could be anything to do with your family,

to do with any past failures...

Yeah, no, I mean, there was a...there was a... there was an issue

with my previous, uh, business, yes.

But, uh, that's all behind me now...

Do you think you wanted the business to fail?

No, I...um... I worked very hard at that business

and I was absolutely distraught when it, uh, collapsed.

The fault lay elsewhere, let's put it that way.

There I...I...I wer... I just was unlucky. I picked somebody who proved,

not only, to be untrustworthy but a massive wanker as well.

-[Mutters] Wanker... -He left me with a lot of debt,

and in a very difficult position...

The thing is there were other casualties. It's not just you, is it?

There are people out there, some if your clients, who are only half-healed.

-Yeah. -DR CAIN: So that's very serious.

-Yeah. -So what we'd like you to do

is think about doing some work pro bono.

For free? Yeah.

I did a lot of it when I was starting out

and I knew it'd look great on my CV.

But I was in a better position than you.

-Really? -Because I...

Well, I didn't have any black marks against my name.

Well, let's hope I've managed to turn the page on my career,

so that we no longer... Are looking at those black marks.

Or what you could do, by doing some pro bono,

-you could put some Tipp-Ex... -Yes.

-...over those marks. -Did you hear about the man

who mistook Tipp-Ex for Viagra

and woke up in the morning with a massive correction.

[Chuckling]

I've not laughed this hard in ages.

I'm sorry, I'm letting myself down here. It's very unprofessional.

Yes, I think I'm done.

That was very funny.

[Video call rings on laptop]

Let's go. First question. Ask me anything.

You can ask me absolutely anything.

I'm assuming it's going to be about sex

because that's what this is all about, isn't it?

[Cats yowling] Fucking cat!

Margot, will you fucking shut up?

[Cats still yowling] Jesus! Fucking cats!

Dennis, will you stop fucking riding her?

Fucking Bengals, they're only supposed to live to four fucking years

and they go on for fucking ever.

Pissing all over the fucking lovely carpet.

That's a Wilton fucking carpet.

Uh...uh...With regards to your sex life...

What would you like to know?

-Well... -Pretty much all, uh, services

have been made available to him.

I do have some rules. I...if...if you, you know, would like to be fellated

it must be clean. I don't think that's unreasonable, do you?

Is your sex life satisfactory?

He pokes the right places, it comes to an end, we carry on.

So can we, sort of, hurry up this bit now?

Can we, sort of, zap through whatever it is you need to know?

I can have a cry, and we can all go home.

Can we, can we, sort of, speed that up?

Sure. What I'd like to do is take you back to the moment...

Fine. I'm happy to talk about the showers.

Fine. We'll talk about the showers.

Okay.

Um, we had to go through the showers,

Matrons stood at the end, and we all used to run through

and it was, sort of, about the time when everybody was,

you know, developing their pubic hair.

And I didn't have any. [Laughs]

So I ran through, and she said,"Stop."

And I tried to cover my...my...my tuppence

and she said, "Let's all see your baldy tuppence."

"Look at Fiona, she's got a baldy."

[Laughs] "She's got a baldy one."

And it sounds silly now, I know, but at the time,

[Laughing] I got, um, I got very upset

and I used to cry... [Starts crying]

[Babbles incoherently]

-[Fiona sniffles] -And do you...

I think that's, maybe, why I find it so hard with the cats.

It's because, it's like they're taunting me.

You know, they're there with their full pelt,

and I think, where was my pelt?

And is Nigel mocking me by getting those two fucking cats?

-[Cats mewing] -Fucking, fucking,

they're actually fucking it. Where are you, fucking little shit?

FIONA: Go on and get out the fucking door. [Slams door]

FIONA: [Heels stomping] Shit. Ugh.

Are you suggesting that Nigel bought the cats...

Do you think it's only chance?

Two fiery pussies?

And now, Nigel, who knows my past...

He wants me to...to fully wax.

The full region. I simply won't do it.

FIONA: It's a stand against my past.

There's a full hair pie available

for him to tuck into...

And he's not availing himself of that buffet at the moment...

If Nigel doesn't want to eat at the full hair buffet,

then he is free to attend a bald tuppence.

[Mobile ringing]

-Dad? -Ricky.

-Dad. -Ricky, what?

It's Izzy. She's got relationship problems again and I...

T...t...tell Mum. I can't get involved in Izzy's dramas.

Well, I tried Mum already and she's not...

Try her again. Bye.

Dad? Dad?

[Video call ringing]

-Hello. -Hi yeah.

-Uh, you must be Angie. -So? Where to start? Therapy.

-Do you know what I mean? -[Both laugh]

Everything's sort of fallen into pace for me.

So, I just thought, you know, get some therapy

'Cause I thought I'd be really good at it.

-Okay, so... -Yeah.

Great, well, you know, tell me a bit about yourself.

I guess my main goal is, by the time I'm 30,

I want to have one million Instagram followers.

-That's your goal in life? -Yeah.

-Not relationships or family... -Not really, no.

I think, um, I'm sort of the only person, I can depend on.

-Oh really? -So, I feel like

I should just be focussing on building my own brand.

-Right. -And putting out more content.

Just to, sort of, bulk up the followers.

What do you post on Instagram?

Today, for example, I might like, sort of, post a screenshot of this

and be like, "Smashing therapy, hashtag-goals"

So, the great thing about therapy

is that we can talk, and you can say anything to me you like.

-Yeah. -Because nothing you say to me

will go past us.

Yeah. Apart from the things that I'll post about the session.

-That's the thing... -Keeping my fans, like,

updated about what's going on in my life.

Well, no, you don't, you see you don't need to do that.

This is a space for you to explore how you're feeling.

How do I gain anything from talking about my feelings,

if nobody's there to hear it?

Okay. So, I hope you'll agree that there's stuff here

-that we can get into, together. -Yeah.

I think I have, sort of, been very much hashtag engaged

-with the whole session. -Just engaged.

-Hashtag articulate. -Articulate.

-Hashtag involved. -Yeah, involved.

You've been involved.

"Hashtag successful sesh" is probably what I will tweet after this.

You've been successful in the session.

-Yeah. -Okay, but listen to me.

-Yeah. -What I ask

is that you don't share anything about this session on social media.

Well, ah, ha, compromise.

-I will only tweet hashtag... -No...

Positive things about this session.

Hi. I've got a missed call from Ricky.

Oh, I spoke to Ricky. I've sorted everything out. It's fine.

Great. I hope you enjoyed your wake-up call this morning.

It's a pretty wonderful way to be woken up.

Yeah, you woke up very fast.

Yeah, that wasn't the only thing that happened fast.

No, yeah. That was a shame.

Maybe we can have a replay later today.

MAN: I'll put it in the diary.

Is that Abs?

Hey, man. Maybe we should go to karaoke together, dude. What do you think?

-Maybe I should hang up now. -Let's do it.

-Bye. -Bye, Darling.

[Video game sound effects]

[Phone ringing]

[Mobile ringing]

-Hello. -Hello?

Can you hear me?

I can't hear you. Whoever that is, I can't hear you.

-It's Neil. -Try again in a minute.

Thank you. [Sighs]

[Mobile ringing]

-RICHARD: Hello? -Hello.

-JEREMY: Richard, listen to me. -Yes.

I've had a call from the hospital.

Oh, Dad. What's wrong?

-There's nothing wrong with me. -Oh, right.

-It's about your mother. -Oh.

-She's had a fall. -Oh.

-Off the wagon. -Right.

Quite why they called me, I don't know. Anyway, I want you to deal with it.

-Can't...Can't you find John? -Good God, no.

-Catherine? -No, I've called you.

-Well, yeah... -Your mother needs taking in.

She needs looking after, She can't be on her own.

-She will continue to fall, -Dad, I can't do that because...

-Don't use the word "can't" to me. -I just started a new business

It's like a red rag to a bull.

-I know. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. -Richard, listen to me.

All the way through your childhood

I said to you, "Can't is a word that should not be in your vocabulary."

I'm just saying that today's the first day of my new business

and I'm working from home. So, I can't bring her...yeah.

Good you're working from home. How very nice for you.

Now listen to me. I want you to deal with this.

-But I can't. -I'm sorry?

I...I...I'm not able to bring her into this house.

Richard, I know exactly what she's like. Deal with it, please.

Take some responsibility for once in your life.

Thank you. Goodbye.

Is this the... Is this the beginning of how it's going to work?

I think... I think so, yeah.

Why are you looking me directly in the eye?

Where do you want me to look?

I think that you should try talking to me at an oblique angle

so that we replicate the couch situation that we're used to having

while I'm giving you therapy.

-There. -That's better. Yes.

Because then you're talking to your subconscious, you're not talking to me.

Well, I'm actually talking to the curtains.

-Hi. -Hi.

Um...

So, yeah, so, um, my dad rang again and um... And just uh...

Laid an enormous turd

uh, across my face.

And how does that make you feel?

I feel like a small fleck of shit on my father's shoe.

In that, he never actually sees me

but I irritate him. I'm there somewhere

and he would like to get rid of me.

I'm just this irritant in his life.

You've got very, very agitated.

Your breathing has got very agitated,

almost to a sexual level.

Do you feel any kind of sexual

impulse or arousal when discussing your father?

No, my cock goes in when I discuss my fa... it actually shrinks.

It goes back.

Okay, I'm going to ask you something.

-Yeah. -That may be...

A little off piece. Can you, with your right hand,

-Yeah. -cup your genitals

-and just hold them? -Outside the trouser or inside?

-Outside the trousers. -Yeah.

-How does that make you feel? -Better.

I'm going to make the suggestion that the next time you speak to your father,

have your left hand on the "Off" button and your other hand

on your genitals and as soon as you feel

that you're being threatened either way,

either squeeze the one or switch off the other.

That'll be your choice.

Okay, but...

Do you want to go anal this morning?

Hmm.

Okay. All right. Okay.

[Door slams]

-Thanks for that. -For what?

-Careers Interview. -Careers Interview? Was that...

-Was that today? -Yeah, it was today.

You were supposed to be at the meeting with me.

Oh, yeah, by the way, you were the only dad that wasn't there.

[Cupboards slamming]

There's no food in the house.

Isn't there? Uh, we'll get a take away.

-[Video call ringing] -Don't tell Mum.

RICKY: ...tell Mum. Right.

-Uh, hello. -Hello, Mr Pitt.

-Hello Richard. -Hi.

-Hello. How are you? -How are you?

Before you start with all the jibber-jabber, I'll tell you, okay?

I think you may have fucked up my life.

I'm not sure...

-So what do I do? -Online book...

-What should we book now? -and we'll talk...

-Should we book now? -On the website...

There should be a way you can pay by credit card.

-I'll leave the money... -Yeah.

...Uh, in an envelope at the post office in Feckenham.

-You used to kill cats? -Just for a year.

-You eat cats? -Yeah, and wear a bit of 'em.

Mum? I don't want to talk to the Doctor any more.

-Everything I do, I do it... -For you?

-Yeah. -That's a song.

Yeah, I know. I realise that.

-Friday, uh... -Today?

-Friday? -Today?

Friday, at four?

-Thursday? -I think I should probably...

-Let you go. -Oh, you too?

-And if you want any advice... -Yeah,

-You get in touch with me. -I will.

And I'll tell you how to give it to 'em.

-All right, thanks. Bye. -Bye.

[Sighs] Dylan.

-You all right? -You are always in my house.

No. Liam's always here.

What?

Liam, stay away from my fridge, you.

Can I talk to you about my feelings for Izzy?

No.

[Mobile ringing]

NEIL: Hello? Oi. I know you're there. I want me money.

-NEIL: Richard. -[Disconnects call]

-Oi. -[Computer keys clacking]

Richard.

-[Computer keys clacking] -You packed already?

Uh, yeah. Pretty much.

In fact, I've got a few minutes.

-Oh, okay. How long? -Well, long enough.

-Okay. -Let's make it quick.

[Drawer opens and shuts]

I don't think we're quite ready for that yet.

Okay, sure.

-Give me a hand. -Okay.

-How was your first day? -Hmm.

-KAREN: Hmm? -Yeah, good, yeah, yeah.

KAREN: Oh good.

-Not too depressing? Sorry. -Can we not talk about it now?

-Okay. -Okay, all right, go easy.

Okay. You're not playing Yahtzee.

No. [Laughs]

Mmmm.

-You all right? Yeah? -Mmm. Mm-hmm

-Is that okay? -RICHARD: Mm-hmm.

-Is that enough? -RICHARD: Mm-hmm.

You're holding it, be...

Be careful. You always break it here.

-Yeah. -Gently.

-[Condom snaps] -Oh, I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

Sorry.

Yeah... That hurt, didn't it?

Darling, why didn't you get a vasectomy? The amount of time

we spend faffing around. Please, please, please get a vasectomy.

-Okay. -Okay.

-Yeah? Yeah? -Yeah. All systems go.

-Take your tights off. -Okay.

-[Mobile ringing] -Oh, it's Abs.

No. Don't answer it.

Darling, I can't not answer it. It's Abs.

-Don't. Please. -He's outside.

-He knows I'm in here. -Please. Please.

I can't just ignore it. He can probably hear the phone ringing.

-Abs, hi. -Hello, hey.

How you doing?

-Hi, Abs. -Hey, Man.

-Hey. All packed. -Great.

So, listen, uh, oh, uh um... did you guy, um, did you guys order takeaway?

There's a guy with about seven plastic bags outside.

-I think it's probably Richard. -Yeah.

Not clean eats.

Poor Ricky. I feel so sorry for him.

You didn't go to the Career's Meeting with him, did you?

-No. I... -KAREN: No...

-I asked you to, didn't I? -Yeah.

So we'll just try and do a bit better.

-Okay. -Take care of Little Ricky

-for me, yeah? -Yeah. Yeah, I will.

-He looks up to you. -I know.

Well, he doesn't look up to you, maybe, but he loves you.

-And I love you, okay? Yeah. -Safe trip.

Bye, everyone.

RICHARD: Have a good flight. Call me when you get to Zurich.

-RICHARD: Bye. -KAREN: Bye.

Mr Pitt, was there shellfish in that food?

RICKY: You know I'm allergic to...

Has the food arrived?

[Video call ringing]

-Neil, Hello. -Richard.

Oh, uh, Neil, listen can I ring you...

-Shut up! Richard! -Can I ring you...

-You will fucking talk to me now. -I'll call you back in a minute.

You are taking the piss out of me you fucking little shit.

-Listen Neil. I'm...no, no, I'm -You'll fucking talk to me now.

Listen, I promise, I promise. I promise you, I'll call you back...

-You better had. -I will, I will, I will.

I wasn't able to speak to you, ah, you know.

How you doing? You look great.

Do you not know why I'm calling you?

Do you not know what danger you're in, mate?

There's absolutely no question that you're getting your money.

-There isn't... -Well, give me a time frame.

-What, tomorrow? The day... -I know exactly...

-after tomorrow? Next week? -I can give you

a very specific time frame... And that is that it's gonna be soon.

-You trying to wind me up? -No, no, no.

If I don't see this money tomorrow...

-Yeah... -then I'm gonna come around

there and cut your arms off, mate.

-It's a threat, Richard. -I know it's a threat.

-And it's a really good one. -Well give it to me, then.

I will and what you've got to understand is that I'm doing therapy online.

And people are paying me for that therapy.

Have you ever had therapy?

-No. -Do you want some?

How does it work?

It works by us talking to each other.

Uh, and I help to get to the bottom of what's making people unhappy.

Does that sound good?

Well, I could see the point, yeah...

You know, I'm sure you're a very happy-go-lucky guy.

-I'm not. -Aren't you? No?

Well, I could help to make you into a happy-go-lucky guy.

Whoa, so let me get this straight.

So you're offering me some...some sessions.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah. -To alleviate some of this debt.

-Is that what you're saying? -Yeah, why don't we do it?

-What have you got to lose? -All right, mate.

I won't mind seeing what you can do.

Yes. Yes. You're not going to regret this.

-I'm telling you now, you will -I'm sceptical, mate.

You will be amazed.

-One day. -Yeah.

-We'll do one day. -Okay.

And then if not, I'll come round and stick needles in your eyes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do that.

I mean don't do that, but, you know, let's do that.

-Let's do that. -[Doorbell buzzes]

Oh, I better go. I have a session with someone else now so...

But anyways, it was great talking to you. I'm so pleased we uh...

I'm so pleased we made contact.

And, uh, you take care and I'll speak to you soon, all right?

All right.

You haven't turned the computer off.

Do you realise I can see you crying?

Have you ever cared for anyone before?

Yes, I care about a lot of people.

-Cry. -No.

-Cry. -No.

-You. Sit there. -Yeah, exactly, Martin.

Argh!

Incoming!

[Explosion]

In bed, I'm Aslan in Narnia.

In the world,

-I'm... -Rumplestiltskin.

She wants to kill herself. I'm happy to drive her to Switzerland...

-I'm taking a video. -Yeah.

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