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1
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Ever wondered what it'd be
like if your 11-year-old kid
2
00:00:02,375 --> 00:00:04,935
earned more in a week
than you do in a year?
3
00:00:05,023 --> 00:00:06,514
Welcome to my world.
4
00:00:06,539 --> 00:00:08,701
I'm Tony Carter, and this
is my house in Milton Keynes,
5
00:00:08,781 --> 00:00:10,261
the one with the yellow shed.
6
00:00:10,341 --> 00:00:12,661
That's where my son
Harry came up with Honc,
7
00:00:12,741 --> 00:00:14,501
an app to help him talk to girls.
8
00:00:14,581 --> 00:00:17,421
It used to be my shed.
Oh, I miss my shed.
9
00:00:17,501 --> 00:00:20,621
Anyway, I don't really
get social networking.
10
00:00:20,701 --> 00:00:23,181
If I did, I wouldn't
drive a minibus for OAP's,
11
00:00:23,261 --> 00:00:25,741
but it seems to have gone massive.
12
00:00:25,821 --> 00:00:28,621
Harry still can't talk to girls, though.
13
00:00:28,701 --> 00:00:31,461
Now, some big tech company
wants to pay millions for it.
14
00:00:31,541 --> 00:00:33,108
But will it change us?
15
00:00:33,133 --> 00:00:35,573
- Cannonball!
- Nah.
16
00:00:37,940 --> 00:00:40,021
I usually like to be blindfolded in
17
00:00:40,101 --> 00:00:42,181
the comfort of my own bedroom, Oliver.
18
00:00:42,261 --> 00:00:44,701
Oh, but I have a rather
super surprise for you.
19
00:00:44,781 --> 00:00:46,579
Oh, my God, are we at Disneyland?
20
00:00:46,604 --> 00:00:48,493
We've only been in the
car ten minutes, Ellie.
21
00:00:48,518 --> 00:00:51,111
Now, mind your step and
that discarded prophylactic
22
00:00:51,136 --> 00:00:53,261
and three, two, one,
23
00:00:53,341 --> 00:00:55,421
ta-da!
24
00:00:55,501 --> 00:00:58,021
Welcome to Honc HQ!
25
00:00:58,101 --> 00:01:00,061
Looks like somewhere you'd dump a body.
26
00:01:00,141 --> 00:01:02,221
Well, yes, but imagine it transformed.
27
00:01:02,301 --> 00:01:05,741
Slides between floors, ball pools
for creative thinking sessions,
28
00:01:05,821 --> 00:01:07,181
mini golf on the roof.
29
00:01:07,261 --> 00:01:08,741
It's amazing.
30
00:01:08,821 --> 00:01:11,371
Just think, all of this was
something that came out of your head.
31
00:01:11,396 --> 00:01:13,596
Honc is on the up and up!
32
00:01:13,621 --> 00:01:16,341
Hearty congratulations, Carters.
33
00:01:16,421 --> 00:01:18,061
ALL: Yay!
34
00:01:18,141 --> 00:01:20,301
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
35
00:01:20,381 --> 00:01:22,101
Oh, Trent, hello. Right.
36
00:01:22,181 --> 00:01:26,541
Understood. Save your whoops
and hollers. You're being sued.
37
00:01:26,621 --> 00:01:29,266
Another child is claiming
to have co-created Honc.
38
00:01:29,291 --> 00:01:30,891
What?!
39
00:01:32,021 --> 00:01:34,260
Save the whoops, got it.
40
00:02:01,312 --> 00:02:04,898
Synced and corrected by Aaronnmb
www.addic7ed.com
41
00:02:04,981 --> 00:02:07,061
William Gosling, 11,
42
00:02:07,155 --> 00:02:11,115
claims he met Harry two years
ago at a summer computer camp.
43
00:02:11,181 --> 00:02:13,061
I remember him, he was the weird one.
44
00:02:13,141 --> 00:02:15,741
Tony, it was a computer
camp, all the kids were weird.
45
00:02:15,821 --> 00:02:17,854
- Mum...
- Oh, come on, son.
46
00:02:17,879 --> 00:02:20,621
You arrange your vegetables
in alphabetical order.
47
00:02:20,701 --> 00:02:24,265
William is claiming that
the two of you became
48
00:02:24,290 --> 00:02:26,165
best BFF's forever
49
00:02:26,221 --> 00:02:27,941
and created Honc together.
50
00:02:28,021 --> 00:02:30,181
He's lying. We weren't even friends.
51
00:02:30,261 --> 00:02:33,421
He had a pet moth and kept
on showing everyone his willy.
52
00:02:33,501 --> 00:02:35,101
Reminds me of being at Eton.
53
00:02:35,181 --> 00:02:37,701
This is all obviously
a big misunderstanding.
54
00:02:37,781 --> 00:02:39,501
Harry invented Honc on his own.
55
00:02:39,581 --> 00:02:41,193
But how to prove it?
56
00:02:41,218 --> 00:02:43,833
Just use my notebook. The one
I have all the Honc code in.
57
00:02:43,858 --> 00:02:45,621
I can dig it out, it's
all the proof we need.
58
00:02:45,701 --> 00:02:47,741
And that is all you need to do.
59
00:02:47,821 --> 00:02:49,858
Trent has some of his top men on this.
60
00:02:49,883 --> 00:02:52,101
ELLIE: You're one of Trent's top men?
61
00:02:52,181 --> 00:02:54,741
OLIVER: No, no, if anything
I'm one of his bottom men.
62
00:02:54,821 --> 00:02:59,021
My role is merely to ensure that you
do not contact the Gosling family.
63
00:02:59,101 --> 00:03:02,965
So, whatever you do,
do not approach them.
64
00:03:02,990 --> 00:03:05,148
Is that clear?
65
00:03:05,941 --> 00:03:08,421
We'll just tell them straight,
"We think you made a mistake."
66
00:03:08,501 --> 00:03:11,381
Yeah, if you don't back off I'm
going to damage you with my hands.
67
00:03:11,461 --> 00:03:14,037
Liz, if you can't control your temper,
68
00:03:14,062 --> 00:03:15,596
then I'm going to send
you back to the car.
69
00:03:15,661 --> 00:03:17,221
Do you want to go back to the car?
70
00:03:17,301 --> 00:03:19,023
- No.
- Do you?
71
00:03:19,613 --> 00:03:21,750
- No.
- Good.
72
00:03:21,783 --> 00:03:24,946
Because we're going to deal
with this like civilised adults.
73
00:03:27,621 --> 00:03:28,741
Hello?
74
00:03:28,821 --> 00:03:31,116
BOTH: Argh!
75
00:03:31,141 --> 00:03:32,701
Don't mind us, we were hiding.
76
00:03:32,781 --> 00:03:34,868
We thought you were the social worker.
77
00:03:34,893 --> 00:03:37,981
Get away, you're not taking my child!
78
00:03:38,061 --> 00:03:40,301
Anyway, how's it hanging, Carters?
79
00:03:40,381 --> 00:03:43,424
Yeah, we haven't seen you guys
since the boys were at computer camp.
80
00:03:43,471 --> 00:03:46,461
And now you're suing us
for millions of pounds.
81
00:03:46,541 --> 00:03:48,741
I know, isn't it weird?
82
00:03:48,821 --> 00:03:50,541
So funny how things turn out.
83
00:03:50,621 --> 00:03:51,861
Life.
84
00:03:51,941 --> 00:03:54,101
Actually, that's what we
wanted to talk to you about.
85
00:03:54,181 --> 00:03:56,381
Look, just because
we're taking you to court
86
00:03:56,461 --> 00:03:57,981
doesn't mean we can't be buddies.
87
00:03:58,061 --> 00:04:00,901
You're just in time for the
Gosling family music hour.
88
00:04:00,981 --> 00:04:03,381
Guess who's on triangle?
89
00:04:03,461 --> 00:04:05,978
We're playing the songs
of Destiny's Child.
90
00:04:07,541 --> 00:04:11,458
Question, tell me what
she thinks about me.
91
00:04:11,809 --> 00:04:13,981
Do you think we could come
in and talk about this?
92
00:04:14,061 --> 00:04:15,381
No!
93
00:04:15,461 --> 00:04:18,101
OK, then, why don't you come to us?
94
00:04:18,181 --> 00:04:19,901
Tomorrow night, dinner, eight o'clock.
95
00:04:19,981 --> 00:04:21,701
BOTH: It's a date!
96
00:04:21,781 --> 00:04:25,101
Brillo pads, we can put all
this silly Honc nonsense to bed.
97
00:04:25,181 --> 00:04:26,741
Later, Carters!
98
00:04:30,701 --> 00:04:32,021
What did you do that for?
99
00:04:32,101 --> 00:04:33,381
Now I've got to cook for them.
100
00:04:33,461 --> 00:04:35,204
I panicked, he had a ukulele.
101
00:04:40,981 --> 00:04:42,943
I don't believe it.
102
00:04:42,968 --> 00:04:44,270
You found my notebook?
103
00:04:44,295 --> 00:04:46,941
Even better, it's Mr No, You Shut Up.
104
00:04:47,021 --> 00:04:49,621
- No, you shut up.
- TOY: No, you shut up.
105
00:04:49,701 --> 00:04:52,864
See? That's his name cos that's
what he always says to me.
106
00:04:52,889 --> 00:04:56,181
But his name could be anything
because it records whatever you say.
107
00:04:56,261 --> 00:04:58,541
No, his name is Mr No, You Shut Up.
108
00:04:58,605 --> 00:05:00,545
- TOY: No, you shut up.
- No, you shut up.
109
00:05:00,570 --> 00:05:02,221
- TOY: No, you shut up.
- See?
110
00:05:02,301 --> 00:05:04,021
We'd argue like this for hours.
111
00:05:04,115 --> 00:05:05,272
Fine.
112
00:05:05,297 --> 00:05:07,499
Right, that's the last from the loft.
113
00:05:07,541 --> 00:05:09,061
Dad, look what I found.
114
00:05:09,141 --> 00:05:10,803
Liz, she found it!
115
00:05:10,828 --> 00:05:12,468
Hide the batteries.
116
00:05:12,901 --> 00:05:14,981
Dad, I don't want to
go to school tomorrow.
117
00:05:15,061 --> 00:05:17,473
Really? You've never not
wanted to go to school.
118
00:05:17,498 --> 00:05:19,501
Not even when those big kids
set fire to your backpack.
119
00:05:19,581 --> 00:05:20,741
I can't find my book,
120
00:05:20,821 --> 00:05:23,181
and everyone's going
to think I'm a liar.
121
00:05:23,261 --> 00:05:25,821
Harry, Harry, Harry.
122
00:05:25,901 --> 00:05:27,781
Listen, you've got nothing to hide.
123
00:05:27,861 --> 00:05:29,261
You did create Honc,
124
00:05:29,341 --> 00:05:31,661
so you need to go into that
school with your head held high.
125
00:05:31,741 --> 00:05:35,461
No-one is going to think you're a liar.
126
00:05:35,541 --> 00:05:40,181
THEY CHANT: Liar! Liar! Liar! Liar!
127
00:05:40,261 --> 00:05:41,839
You've let me down, Carter.
128
00:05:41,864 --> 00:05:43,581
You're a fake and phony.
129
00:05:43,661 --> 00:05:45,347
I've lost all respect for you.
130
00:05:45,372 --> 00:05:47,061
You beat me up on a daily basis.
131
00:05:47,141 --> 00:05:49,356
Yeah, out of respect.
132
00:05:52,158 --> 00:05:54,296
Did you do my maths homework?
133
00:05:58,221 --> 00:06:00,804
I thought you might've been the one.
134
00:06:07,581 --> 00:06:09,061
Are you all right, Ellie?
135
00:06:09,141 --> 00:06:10,941
Yeah, I'm thinking.
136
00:06:11,021 --> 00:06:13,821
Oh, well, careful, you know what
happens when you think too much.
137
00:06:13,901 --> 00:06:15,621
I get really tired.
138
00:06:15,701 --> 00:06:19,075
Really tired. You slept
for a week after your SATs.
139
00:06:21,741 --> 00:06:25,141
Dad, if we lose Harry's money,
what's going to happen to us?
140
00:06:25,221 --> 00:06:27,461
You know, you don't
need to worry about this.
141
00:06:27,541 --> 00:06:30,701
If we do lose the money,
nothing will change.
142
00:06:30,781 --> 00:06:33,581
Dad, I know you're just
trying to stay strong,
143
00:06:33,661 --> 00:06:37,701
and that's very nice of you,
but that won't pay the bills.
144
00:06:37,796 --> 00:06:40,556
I've decided I'm going to get a job.
145
00:06:40,621 --> 00:06:42,701
What about school? Nailed it.
146
00:06:42,781 --> 00:06:45,221
It's time for a new challenge.
147
00:06:45,301 --> 00:06:47,421
All right, what are you going to do?
148
00:06:47,501 --> 00:06:50,141
Well, I saw this
advert in a phone box...
149
00:06:50,221 --> 00:06:51,673
- Oh, God.
- And it sounds perfect
150
00:06:51,698 --> 00:06:52,749
because I like dancing
151
00:06:52,774 --> 00:06:54,821
and I googled exotic and
it just means foreign.
152
00:06:54,901 --> 00:06:57,301
I'm just going to... I'm just
going to stop you there, Ellie.
153
00:06:57,381 --> 00:06:59,301
I don't think that's the job for you.
154
00:06:59,381 --> 00:07:02,741
I don't know, Parville
seemed really enthusiastic,
155
00:07:02,821 --> 00:07:06,341
I just have to get somewhere
called Pandora's Box tomorrow night.
156
00:07:06,421 --> 00:07:09,461
No, no, no, no, no, something else.
157
00:07:09,541 --> 00:07:12,181
- Definitely something else.
- Like what?
158
00:07:12,261 --> 00:07:13,985
Well, you know what, Ellie?
159
00:07:14,010 --> 00:07:16,285
I think at this moment it's very,
160
00:07:16,356 --> 00:07:19,236
very important that you stay in school.
161
00:07:19,301 --> 00:07:22,061
Fine. I'll stay in school,
162
00:07:22,124 --> 00:07:24,835
as long as you promise to stay strong
163
00:07:24,860 --> 00:07:26,468
and keep the money coming in.
164
00:07:26,541 --> 00:07:28,181
OK, Ellie.
165
00:07:28,261 --> 00:07:29,960
I promise.
166
00:07:32,541 --> 00:07:34,774
Why aren't you wearing
your nice red shirt?
167
00:07:34,799 --> 00:07:36,141
Cos you can see my nipples through it.
168
00:07:36,221 --> 00:07:37,941
I don't want to send Sue over the edge.
169
00:07:38,021 --> 00:07:39,461
She's already over the edge.
170
00:07:39,541 --> 00:07:43,341
No, what I mean is,
she's got a thing for me.
171
00:07:43,421 --> 00:07:46,381
[SHE LAUGHS]
172
00:07:46,461 --> 00:07:49,021
Oh, bless you.
173
00:07:49,101 --> 00:07:50,245
She so hasn't.
174
00:07:50,270 --> 00:07:53,076
Oh, trust me, I remember it from before.
175
00:07:53,101 --> 00:07:56,501
She keeps giving me this sideways look.
176
00:07:56,581 --> 00:07:59,541
- How does it go?
- Like this.
177
00:07:59,621 --> 00:08:01,341
What, she had a stroke?
178
00:08:01,421 --> 00:08:04,221
No, trust me, girl, she thinks I'm sexy.
179
00:08:04,301 --> 00:08:07,579
Well, she's clinically insane, so maybe.
180
00:08:08,621 --> 00:08:12,447
I'll tell you what I think
is sexy, a man who can cook.
181
00:08:12,478 --> 00:08:14,301
No, no, no, no.
182
00:08:14,381 --> 00:08:16,381
- I'm not falling for that.
- Yes, you are.
183
00:08:16,406 --> 00:08:18,297
- Oh, no, I'm not.
- Oh, but you so are.
184
00:08:18,322 --> 00:08:21,109
No, I'm not cooking the dinner just
because you're promising me sex.
185
00:08:21,134 --> 00:08:22,470
Yeah, but we both know that you will,
186
00:08:22,495 --> 00:08:24,175
so I need to go upstairs and get changed
187
00:08:24,200 --> 00:08:27,564
and in about five minutes'
time, I will be completely naked.
188
00:08:29,221 --> 00:08:30,971
- Completely?
- Yeah, totally.
189
00:08:30,996 --> 00:08:33,141
- Baby oil?
- Oh, yeah.
190
00:08:33,221 --> 00:08:35,659
Five minutes, can you make it ten?
191
00:08:35,684 --> 00:08:37,164
I don't want to burn the rice.
192
00:08:37,189 --> 00:08:40,069
[RHYTHMIC BANGING]
193
00:08:41,381 --> 00:08:42,541
[DOORBELL RINGS]
194
00:08:42,621 --> 00:08:44,231
Kids, get the door!
195
00:08:44,256 --> 00:08:45,741
Why can't you get it?
196
00:08:45,821 --> 00:08:47,421
We're putting up the picture!
197
00:08:47,501 --> 00:08:50,061
Weird, they usually only put
up pictures on Sunday mornings.
198
00:08:50,141 --> 00:08:52,381
Ellie, I don't think
they're putting up a picture.
199
00:08:52,461 --> 00:08:54,621
Well, what's he banging then?
200
00:08:54,701 --> 00:08:58,842
Quickly! It's the Goslings,
we'll be down in a minute!
201
00:09:02,501 --> 00:09:05,295
Sorry, the risotto is a bit burnt.
202
00:09:07,101 --> 00:09:09,981
So, Harry, how's the Alma Mater?
203
00:09:10,006 --> 00:09:12,021
HARRY: I'm going to guess at fine.
204
00:09:12,101 --> 00:09:13,861
Talking about school, young fella.
205
00:09:13,941 --> 00:09:15,381
Do you not study Latin?
206
00:09:15,461 --> 00:09:17,541
William does, and Mandarin.
207
00:09:17,621 --> 00:09:20,619
- ELLIE: The little orange?
- No, Chinese.
208
00:09:20,644 --> 00:09:22,221
It's the language of the future.
209
00:09:22,301 --> 00:09:24,541
Quite right, Peter. [HE SPEAKS MANDARIN]
210
00:09:24,621 --> 00:09:27,067
- What was that?
- Mandarin?
211
00:09:27,092 --> 00:09:29,685
No, I mean, you just
called your dad Peter.
212
00:09:29,741 --> 00:09:31,701
Oh, but he's Peter and I'm Sue.
213
00:09:31,781 --> 00:09:33,501
I mean, Mummy and Daddy,
214
00:09:33,581 --> 00:09:36,581
they're just Victorian constructs
that perpetuate gender stereotypes.
215
00:09:36,661 --> 00:09:38,421
Yeah, yeah.
216
00:09:38,501 --> 00:09:40,661
Harry calls me Elizabeth all the time.
217
00:09:40,717 --> 00:09:42,848
Why? Your name's Liz.
218
00:09:42,873 --> 00:09:44,716
Which is short for Elizabeth.
219
00:09:44,861 --> 00:09:48,036
Wow, game changer.
220
00:09:48,061 --> 00:09:51,501
OK, so, Harry's just won his
school's chess tournament.
221
00:09:51,581 --> 00:09:53,541
Only me and the headmaster entered.
222
00:09:53,621 --> 00:09:55,308
William is the under 13 chess champion,
223
00:09:55,333 --> 00:09:57,461
and he swept the board at prize giving.
224
00:09:57,541 --> 00:10:01,756
I won everything, apart from
most popular pupil, that is.
225
00:10:01,781 --> 00:10:04,061
Well, Harry's got loads of
friends, haven't you, Harry?
226
00:10:04,141 --> 00:10:07,348
- Two.
- William also has
227
00:10:07,373 --> 00:10:10,653
- a lot of friends.
- WILLIAM: They're all moths.
228
00:10:11,021 --> 00:10:14,661
Don't mention the
moths, we discussed this.
229
00:10:14,741 --> 00:10:17,478
So, Harry, have you got
any friends who are moths?
230
00:10:17,503 --> 00:10:20,021
William is the lead soprano
in his local gospel choir.
231
00:10:20,101 --> 00:10:22,221
- Sing, darling. Sing!
- WILLIAM: No, I'm...
232
00:10:22,301 --> 00:10:24,301
When Jesus says yes
233
00:10:24,381 --> 00:10:26,221
Nobody can say no
234
00:10:26,301 --> 00:10:28,517
When Jesus says yes
235
00:10:28,542 --> 00:10:30,620
Nobody can say no
236
00:10:30,645 --> 00:10:32,605
When Jesus says yes
237
00:10:32,685 --> 00:10:34,645
Nobody can say no
238
00:10:34,724 --> 00:10:36,684
When Jesus says yes
239
00:10:36,764 --> 00:10:39,564
Nobody can say no...
240
00:10:42,855 --> 00:10:44,735
What's the RAM on this thing?
241
00:10:44,815 --> 00:10:45,816
12 gigs.
242
00:10:45,841 --> 00:10:47,291
When we're rich from my Honc money,
243
00:10:47,316 --> 00:10:49,800
I'm going to get the new one with 16,
244
00:10:49,825 --> 00:10:53,895
full HD, water cord and
over-clocks of 4.14 gigahertz.
245
00:10:53,975 --> 00:10:57,208
William, why are you lying
about co-creating Honc?
246
00:10:57,233 --> 00:10:59,375
Peter told me not to
discuss it with you.
247
00:10:59,455 --> 00:11:02,732
Look, if you just tell the
truth, I won't be angry.
248
00:11:03,655 --> 00:11:05,192
Harry,
249
00:11:06,100 --> 00:11:08,357
do you want to see my willy?
250
00:11:09,537 --> 00:11:11,577
Daddy bird's home.
251
00:11:11,656 --> 00:11:13,696
Does baby bird want her din-dins?
252
00:11:13,777 --> 00:11:14,985
Yes.
253
00:11:16,297 --> 00:11:20,227
OK, right, let's get
down to brass tacks.
254
00:11:20,777 --> 00:11:22,977
Harry says William didn't
help him invent Honc
255
00:11:23,057 --> 00:11:25,217
because he'd invented Honc
before he even met William.
256
00:11:25,297 --> 00:11:27,087
And William says he and
Harry invented Honc together
257
00:11:27,137 --> 00:11:28,897
during lunch breaks at computer camp
258
00:11:28,922 --> 00:11:31,272
so they didn't have to talk to girls.
259
00:11:31,297 --> 00:11:33,470
- Yeah, that, I can believe.
- Look, one of them's lying,
260
00:11:33,495 --> 00:11:34,775
and it's not my son.
261
00:11:34,800 --> 00:11:37,200
Harry is prone to the odd tall tale.
262
00:11:37,225 --> 00:11:40,797
He told William his dad
was actually the Stig.
263
00:11:41,137 --> 00:11:43,177
You're not the Stig.
264
00:11:43,257 --> 00:11:46,024
How do you know I'm not? Could
be anybody under that helmet.
265
00:11:46,049 --> 00:11:48,777
And anyway, all parents tell
their kids little white lies.
266
00:11:48,857 --> 00:11:50,664
Yeah, I mean Ellie
thinks her rabbit ran off
267
00:11:50,689 --> 00:11:52,617
to join the other
animals at Farthing Wood.
268
00:11:52,697 --> 00:11:54,460
- And did it?
- No...
269
00:11:54,485 --> 00:11:56,321
Tony ran over it with the lawn mower.
270
00:11:56,377 --> 00:11:59,711
When William's rabbit
died, we dissected it.
271
00:11:59,736 --> 00:12:02,805
So did I, technically, because
half of it ended up as shit.
272
00:12:05,297 --> 00:12:06,650
You know, when you're upset,
273
00:12:06,675 --> 00:12:08,968
there's better things you can
do than show people your willy.
274
00:12:08,993 --> 00:12:11,360
You'll end up on the
special list they put DJs on.
275
00:12:11,385 --> 00:12:12,970
The tablets take the edge off,
276
00:12:12,995 --> 00:12:16,032
but being an only
child is hard, you know.
277
00:12:16,057 --> 00:12:18,673
Peter and Sue expect so much from me.
278
00:12:18,698 --> 00:12:21,696
I think my parents are a bit
more easy-going than yours.
279
00:12:21,777 --> 00:12:24,232
Don't you sometimes just
want to run up a big hill
280
00:12:24,257 --> 00:12:27,060
and scream and scream
at the top of your voice,
281
00:12:27,085 --> 00:12:30,864
"I am the moth king, watch me fly"!
282
00:12:32,217 --> 00:12:34,577
- Where are you going?
- To hang out with my sister.
283
00:12:34,657 --> 00:12:37,680
I never thought I'd say this,
but she makes more sense than you.
284
00:12:43,856 --> 00:12:46,616
I'd happily go over
her with the lawn mower.
285
00:12:46,641 --> 00:12:49,571
We just need to stay calm
and approach this rationally.
286
00:12:49,618 --> 00:12:51,314
You've met them.
287
00:12:52,509 --> 00:12:55,777
We're not going to fix
this by being rational.
288
00:12:55,857 --> 00:12:58,297
Hey, you might be right.
289
00:12:58,377 --> 00:13:01,977
This might be time for a
bit of the old Tony charm.
290
00:13:02,057 --> 00:13:04,377
- Oh, yeah, that'll do it.
- I'll sweet talk her,
291
00:13:04,457 --> 00:13:06,657
and get her to admit
this is all nonsense.
292
00:13:06,737 --> 00:13:08,157
I mean it shouldn't be hard, look,
293
00:13:08,182 --> 00:13:10,057
she's been giving me the eye all night.
294
00:13:10,137 --> 00:13:12,079
Will you stop it with all this, Tony?
295
00:13:12,104 --> 00:13:13,937
She doesn't fancy you.
296
00:13:14,017 --> 00:13:16,228
- You're not all that.
- Well, you didn't say that earlier
297
00:13:16,253 --> 00:13:18,017
when we were putting up that picture.
298
00:13:18,042 --> 00:13:21,446
Oh, well, maybe that
particular painting was a fake.
299
00:13:24,297 --> 00:13:27,097
I brought us some coffee, where's Peter?
300
00:13:27,177 --> 00:13:28,775
Peter's having a poo.
301
00:13:28,800 --> 00:13:31,196
He'll be gone for at least
eight and a half minutes.
302
00:13:31,228 --> 00:13:33,751
OK. Well...
303
00:13:34,217 --> 00:13:37,008
seeing as Peter is busy, uh,
304
00:13:37,033 --> 00:13:38,761
I thought you and I could talk.
305
00:13:38,817 --> 00:13:40,417
I would love that.
306
00:13:40,497 --> 00:13:42,266
Do you like me, Tony?
307
00:13:43,977 --> 00:13:45,461
Yes?
308
00:13:45,486 --> 00:13:47,364
What do you like most about me?
309
00:13:47,389 --> 00:13:50,617
Oh, your hair.
310
00:13:50,697 --> 00:13:51,937
I really like your hair.
311
00:13:52,017 --> 00:13:53,377
You should see my chest.
312
00:13:53,457 --> 00:13:56,097
- I sort of can.
- I think we should have sex.
313
00:13:56,177 --> 00:13:58,417
Well, this has escalated
way quicker than I imagined.
314
00:13:58,497 --> 00:14:01,017
Whoops, did I say that out loud?
315
00:14:01,097 --> 00:14:03,377
But I think it would be fun, don't you?
316
00:14:03,457 --> 00:14:06,217
- Please?
- Now, Sue, we're both married.
317
00:14:06,297 --> 00:14:09,137
Ah, but this was Peter's idea.
318
00:14:09,224 --> 00:14:12,944
Oh, listen, you're a
really nice lady but...
319
00:14:13,017 --> 00:14:15,617
- Look...
- What the hell is going on?
320
00:14:15,697 --> 00:14:17,017
I did say.
321
00:14:17,097 --> 00:14:21,137
Liz, your husband, my husband
and I are going to make love.
322
00:14:21,217 --> 00:14:23,668
- Tony?
- I can't just switch it off.
323
00:14:23,693 --> 00:14:26,082
I see you've started without me.
324
00:14:27,272 --> 00:14:29,511
Whoa, Peter,
325
00:14:29,536 --> 00:14:32,016
I'd love to say that this
isn't how it looks, but...
326
00:14:32,057 --> 00:14:33,617
But nothing, Antonio.
327
00:14:33,642 --> 00:14:36,151
We all know what's going on here.
328
00:14:36,457 --> 00:14:38,897
-
It's getting hot in here
-
So hot
329
00:14:38,977 --> 00:14:40,777
So take off all your clothes
330
00:14:40,857 --> 00:14:43,137
I am getting so hot
331
00:14:43,217 --> 00:14:45,573
I want to take my clothes off...
332
00:14:45,598 --> 00:14:47,377
- Mahogany!
- What?
333
00:14:47,457 --> 00:14:50,617
- Her head or the banjo?
- It's a ukulele.
334
00:14:50,697 --> 00:14:52,417
What have you done?!
335
00:14:52,497 --> 00:14:54,617
Played right into our hands.
336
00:14:54,697 --> 00:14:58,537
- That's what you've done.
- Thanking you very much, indeedy-doo.
337
00:14:58,617 --> 00:15:00,297
So, you were lying.
338
00:15:00,377 --> 00:15:01,857
Of course we were lying!
339
00:15:01,937 --> 00:15:03,620
William's actually a very basic child,
340
00:15:03,667 --> 00:15:05,257
he could never have invented Honc.
341
00:15:05,337 --> 00:15:06,817
But no-one's going to believe you now
342
00:15:06,897 --> 00:15:09,377
because you've just
struck me and my wife.
343
00:15:09,457 --> 00:15:12,137
Come on, William. We're leaving!
344
00:15:12,217 --> 00:15:16,226
I'm the moth king, watch me fly!
345
00:15:16,617 --> 00:15:20,657
Livid, whole-heartedly livid.
346
00:15:20,682 --> 00:15:22,046
In fact...
347
00:15:23,819 --> 00:15:25,257
apoplectic.
348
00:15:25,282 --> 00:15:28,401
They're saying you invited them over,
349
00:15:28,457 --> 00:15:31,023
poisoned them with bad rice,
350
00:15:31,048 --> 00:15:33,226
sexually harassed Sue,
351
00:15:33,251 --> 00:15:37,702
and when that didn't work,
assaulted them with a...
352
00:15:38,337 --> 00:15:39,897
small guitar.
353
00:15:39,977 --> 00:15:42,377
It does sound bad when
you put it like that.
354
00:15:42,457 --> 00:15:44,897
We've been trying to keep
this out of the courts.
355
00:15:44,922 --> 00:15:46,515
But they confessed they
made the whole thing up.
356
00:15:46,540 --> 00:15:49,030
William didn't help
co-create Honc at that camp.
357
00:15:49,055 --> 00:15:50,935
He was too busy getting his winky out.
358
00:15:50,960 --> 00:15:52,857
Yes, but we've got no proof.
359
00:15:52,937 --> 00:15:54,835
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
360
00:15:55,937 --> 00:15:57,780
Hello? Yes.
361
00:15:58,657 --> 00:16:00,777
Righty-o, yes.
362
00:16:00,802 --> 00:16:03,882
No, no, I completely,
completely understand.
363
00:16:03,907 --> 00:16:07,219
All right, then. Yes, thank you, Trent.
364
00:16:07,977 --> 00:16:09,329
All the best.
365
00:16:10,337 --> 00:16:12,262
Well, I've been sacked.
366
00:16:13,097 --> 00:16:15,442
Trent doesn't need a, quote,
367
00:16:15,467 --> 00:16:19,129
"a big, dumb, English dumbass
368
00:16:19,154 --> 00:16:22,285
"with a pumpkin for a head,
369
00:16:22,318 --> 00:16:24,216
"screwing things up..."
370
00:16:24,817 --> 00:16:27,377
- ... end quote.
- But you didn't do anything.
371
00:16:27,457 --> 00:16:28,465
Precisely.
372
00:16:28,490 --> 00:16:31,605
My only task was to keep
you from interfering, and...
373
00:16:31,630 --> 00:16:33,364
I failed.
374
00:16:33,817 --> 00:16:36,293
Well, thank you, Carters.
375
00:16:37,017 --> 00:16:39,824
You've been like a second family to me.
376
00:16:42,737 --> 00:16:44,334
Oh, I feel awful now.
377
00:16:44,359 --> 00:16:46,737
Look, maybe this is a good thing.
378
00:16:46,817 --> 00:16:50,577
Maybe it's best that we
didn't find that notebook.
379
00:16:50,657 --> 00:16:53,576
This is our chance, we
can go back to normal.
380
00:16:53,732 --> 00:16:56,457
We don't need all that money.
381
00:16:56,537 --> 00:16:58,685
We're the Carters.
382
00:16:58,710 --> 00:17:00,576
We've got each other.
383
00:17:01,337 --> 00:17:03,331
Do we really need more than that?
384
00:17:06,401 --> 00:17:09,137
Right, search this
place from top to bottom!
385
00:17:09,200 --> 00:17:11,628
Drawers, cupboards, boxes,
386
00:17:11,653 --> 00:17:13,440
look in absolutely everything!
387
00:17:13,465 --> 00:17:16,017
Careful, Liz, you're going
to knock my figurine off.
388
00:17:16,097 --> 00:17:17,657
- My mum bought me that.
- Oh, yeah.
389
00:17:17,737 --> 00:17:19,448
That'd be terrible.
390
00:17:19,473 --> 00:17:22,370
MUSIC: Diamond Hoo Ha Man by Supergrass
391
00:17:45,892 --> 00:17:48,321
No, nothing.
392
00:17:48,819 --> 00:17:50,938
- [BAGPIPES WAIL]
- Tony!
393
00:17:54,629 --> 00:17:56,938
- Tony!
- Yeah, yeah, just looking.
394
00:17:57,697 --> 00:18:00,257
- Anything?
- No, it's not out here.
395
00:18:00,337 --> 00:18:01,617
I've looked everywhere.
396
00:18:01,697 --> 00:18:03,937
Have you properly looked or
have you looked like a man?
397
00:18:04,017 --> 00:18:05,297
Oi. Properly looked!
398
00:18:05,377 --> 00:18:06,568
I even looked in the bin.
399
00:18:06,593 --> 00:18:08,577
You know how much I hate bin juice.
400
00:18:08,657 --> 00:18:10,201
Looked there, did you?
401
00:18:12,857 --> 00:18:14,697
Ah!
402
00:18:14,784 --> 00:18:16,845
Just the chap I was looking for.
403
00:18:18,257 --> 00:18:20,642
Gosh, you remember when I
asked you for eggs Benedict
404
00:18:20,667 --> 00:18:22,424
and you brought me scrambled eggs?
405
00:18:22,449 --> 00:18:24,048
How we laughed.
406
00:18:24,073 --> 00:18:25,657
Are you staying here, then?
407
00:18:25,737 --> 00:18:27,602
Oh, I see, yes, very good.
408
00:18:28,227 --> 00:18:31,321
Golly, I shall miss our verbal sparring.
409
00:18:36,057 --> 00:18:38,446
Oliver! Oliver, thank God we caught you.
410
00:18:38,471 --> 00:18:40,750
We found my coded notebook.
411
00:18:45,457 --> 00:18:50,210
Now, I'm not normally one to
urinate on fireworks, but...
412
00:18:50,235 --> 00:18:53,057
I'm afraid this notebook proves nothing.
413
00:18:53,137 --> 00:18:56,217
There's no dates, no provenance
of when it was written.
414
00:18:56,297 --> 00:18:57,737
Harry could have done it yesterday.
415
00:18:57,817 --> 00:18:59,097
But I didn't.
416
00:18:59,177 --> 00:19:02,313
There must be some way
of proving how old it is.
417
00:19:02,338 --> 00:19:05,552
I'm sorry, Harry, but it's pointless.
418
00:19:05,577 --> 00:19:09,095
The Honc dream is, well, finished.
419
00:19:09,120 --> 00:19:11,576
I'll have my usual, Carl,
and make it a double.
420
00:19:11,657 --> 00:19:13,497
I've never seen you before in my life.
421
00:19:19,049 --> 00:19:23,497
Well, being a millionaire
was fun while it lasted.
422
00:19:23,577 --> 00:19:26,537
I'll talk to work tomorrow and see
if I can pick up some extra shifts.
423
00:19:26,617 --> 00:19:30,257
I can never show my face
at coding club ever again.
424
00:19:30,337 --> 00:19:32,440
Oh, well, every cloud.
425
00:19:35,417 --> 00:19:37,017
RECORDING: Of course, we were lying,
426
00:19:37,097 --> 00:19:38,977
William's actually a very basic child,
427
00:19:39,057 --> 00:19:40,537
he could never have invented Honc.
428
00:19:40,562 --> 00:19:42,443
ELLIE: What's wrong
with Mr No, You Shut Up?
429
00:19:42,468 --> 00:19:43,920
And no-one's going to believe you now
430
00:19:43,945 --> 00:19:45,639
because you've just
struck me and my wife.
431
00:19:45,664 --> 00:19:48,139
I didn't know you were married.
432
00:19:48,457 --> 00:19:49,896
You know what this means?
433
00:19:49,921 --> 00:19:52,850
Yeah, you punched my hamster.
434
00:19:53,537 --> 00:19:55,357
Well, that's wonderful news.
435
00:19:55,382 --> 00:19:58,162
OK, stay exactly where you
are and whatever you do,
436
00:19:58,187 --> 00:20:00,352
do not talk to the Goslings.
437
00:20:00,377 --> 00:20:02,217
RECORDING: Of course we were lying,
438
00:20:02,297 --> 00:20:04,177
William's actually a very basic child,
439
00:20:04,257 --> 00:20:06,257
he could never have invented Honc.
440
00:20:06,337 --> 00:20:08,217
Look, can we just talk about this?
441
00:20:08,297 --> 00:20:09,857
There's nothing to discuss.
442
00:20:09,937 --> 00:20:12,170
Either you drop the lawsuit,
or you're going to jail.
443
00:20:12,195 --> 00:20:13,842
And I'm sure there's plenty of inmates
444
00:20:13,867 --> 00:20:16,697
would love to pluck your
ukulele on the inside.
445
00:20:16,777 --> 00:20:18,177
Good prison talk.
446
00:20:18,257 --> 00:20:20,967
- Thanks, babes.
- In your weird faces, Goslings.
447
00:20:23,577 --> 00:20:27,263
Sue, Sue, just want to
check something, Sue.
448
00:20:28,057 --> 00:20:30,224
Did you find me attractive?
449
00:20:31,977 --> 00:20:34,209
Nope, all right then, good.
450
00:20:35,457 --> 00:20:38,271
Actually, Tony, I would.
451
00:20:40,697 --> 00:20:42,777
Liz! Did you hear that?
452
00:20:42,857 --> 00:20:44,497
She thinks she would?
453
00:20:44,577 --> 00:20:46,777
Liz? Oi, don't pretend
454
00:20:46,857 --> 00:20:48,388
like you can't hear me.
455
00:20:49,888 --> 00:20:52,941
One more bottle
456
00:20:52,966 --> 00:20:55,121
and then we'll tidy up.
457
00:20:55,177 --> 00:20:56,380
All right, all right, right.
458
00:20:56,405 --> 00:20:58,561
Hey, I would like to say a few words.
459
00:20:58,617 --> 00:21:01,897
I would like to raise a
toast to my animal magnetism
460
00:21:01,977 --> 00:21:04,989
and to your mum's
anger management issues.
461
00:21:05,014 --> 00:21:07,130
ALL: To Dad's animal magnetism
462
00:21:07,155 --> 00:21:10,020
and Mum's anger management issues.
463
00:21:11,897 --> 00:21:13,537
And to still having a job.
464
00:21:13,617 --> 00:21:15,497
[THEY CHEER]
465
00:21:17,297 --> 00:21:18,963
Oh, more good news.
466
00:21:18,988 --> 00:21:20,831
The Goslings have dropped the case
467
00:21:20,856 --> 00:21:24,777
and need never darken your
doorstep again. Well done.
468
00:21:24,857 --> 00:21:28,174
Oh, and Trent has asked that I
transcribe exactly the confession
469
00:21:28,199 --> 00:21:30,159
as recorded on Mr You Be Quiet
470
00:21:30,184 --> 00:21:33,784
as it is our only proof
that the Goslings were lying.
471
00:21:34,991 --> 00:21:38,026
In your weird faces, Goslings.
472
00:21:39,097 --> 00:21:42,217
Right, oh, well.
473
00:21:42,297 --> 00:21:46,268
Before I'm fired again, there is
one other thing we ought to discuss.
474
00:21:46,293 --> 00:21:49,096
- This is awesome.
- Should it be bigger?
475
00:21:49,177 --> 00:21:50,768
No, I think it's about the right size.
476
00:21:50,793 --> 00:21:52,557
You would say that.
477
00:21:52,582 --> 00:21:55,571
Right, who fancies Chinese? My treat.
478
00:21:55,596 --> 00:21:58,177
I think you're beginning to
enjoy being a millionaire.
479
00:21:58,257 --> 00:21:59,657
It has its perks.
480
00:21:59,737 --> 00:22:01,337
Can we have prawn crackers?
481
00:22:01,417 --> 00:22:02,659
May I join you?
482
00:22:02,684 --> 00:22:04,724
ELLIE: Let's get it from China.
483
00:22:04,749 --> 00:22:08,191
Harry, yes, Oliver, no, Ellie, why?
484
00:22:08,217 --> 00:22:10,299
So you can come to us.
485
00:22:10,324 --> 00:22:13,503
You know what, Ellie? Let's do it.
486
00:22:13,808 --> 00:22:18,292
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487
00:22:18,342 --> 00:22:22,892
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