Original subtitles

- Next on the menu for my Cockney knees up

is an all time classic, jellied eels, the Shay way.

Trent River eels, suspended in pomegranate

aspic with a glaze of cockle brine.

- Genius.

- Who, me?

- Yeah, Skoose, you.

Just musing to myself about your limitless talents.

- What you watching, Gay Marshall?

- Shay Marshall, yes.

- There you go.

Quick, painless, didn't feel a, whoa!

Slippery little bugger, just hang on.

And he's gone.

- I was watching some of this the other day.

He made talking sausages, bell-end.

- Bell-end, yes, wow, perfect description,

if by bell-end you mean the most successful

British chef of his generation.

Wish I was a bell-end.

You make this way too easy.

- Check on, chef.

- Thank you, Kiki.

That's one beef medium, two veal, one lamb.

Yes, chef.

- So Bib, you've got seven beef,

five lamb and four veal, yeah?

- Yes, chef.

Been thinking about the new menu, actually.

I really think if we want to go

for that first star, we should shake things up a bit.

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

You know, just really go for it.

Get away from all the beef and lamb.

I actually had an idea for a spiny crab and fennel salad,

with samphire and caper fritters.

- Spiny crab salad?

- Yeah! - Yeah, good idea.

We could do a nice starfish sauce to go with it.

- Yeah.

- Maybe for desert we could do a mermaid tart.

- Yeah, or how about a pie made from fish!

A fish pie!

- That's great, thank you, guys, brilliant jokes.

Sorry for trying to suggest something

interesting for a change.

- Service.

Come on, Bib, what's this all about?

- Nothing, I just--

- He's been watching Shay Marshall, chef.

- Oh, right.

- He's just won his third star, Roland.

The stuff that that guy is cooking is--

- He's not cooking anything, Bib.

He can't cook.

He just concocts stuff up in that stupid laboratory

of his, like a mental scientist.

You mark my words, one of these days

one of those weird experiments will

go horribly wrong, like in The Fly.

He'll end up half-man, half-olive.

- Yeah, that's a very good point.

I'll just get back to cooking my meat and potatoes.

Service!

- Heads up, chef.

- I need to talk to you about the new menu, Roland.

Oh, he's not here.

Oh, well, at least that gives me the opportunity to change

out of this uncomfortable bra.

- Yeah, I knew you weren't gonna change your bra.

Or were you?

- So, this is the new menu that you've just written.

- It is, it is indeed.

- And this is our menu from July.

Or have I got those the wrong way around?

It's quite difficult to tell, actually,

because they are both exactly the same.

- Is that a problem?

- Only in as far as we're a restaurant

and not a prison kitchen, and our customers

are lovers of fine cuisine and not rapists.

- What are you saying?

- I'm saying, how's about you give me an actual new menu

instead of recycling an old one?

- Really?

- Come on, we can do it together.

Nice pen.

- Thank you.

- Really nice.

- Robin got it for me for my birthday.

- Did he?

Yeah, I got a pen for my birthday once, when I was seven.

You written him any letters with it yet?

"Dear Robin, get me a better present, you cheap tit."

- It's actually a Mont Blanc.

- Oh, didn't know they made pens.

- What did you think they made?

- Ski jackets?

- Let's do the menu.

- Oh, come on, Caroline.

You can't expect me to magic up a whole new menu

every time you click your fingers.

It's like me saying to you,

"Give me 10 new fonts for the menu.

"Come on, give me another font, right now!"

- Verdana.

- Yeah, another one.

- Helvetica.

- Another one.

- Baskerville Semi-Bold.

- Hmm.

- Trebuchet, Helsinki Metronome, Plantagenet Cherokee.

- Okay, well done, you know your fonts, Caroline.

But, fonts, very different from dinners.

And that's, that's the point I was making.

- You've got two hours.

- Fine, oh, and, Caroline?

If you ever need to change your bra, you may use my office.

- Thank you.

- There he is.

- Yeah, just getting some more meat.

- I've had a change of heart, Bib.

- Yeah, what about?

- Your spiny crab dish, genius.

- Wow, that is a change of heart.

- Well, I can be a bit of an old duffer sometimes, Bib.

- Yeah, you can a bit.

- You know, stuck in my ways, like a dinosaur.

It's silly, really.

Look out, here comes the Rolandasaurus!

Gonna get you, Bib!

I'm gonna eat you, Bib!

Run for your lives, everyone!

Here comes Roland with his boring food!

- Classic.

- Yeah.

- Look, the point is, I think you're right.

Maybe it's time for a bit of a change around here.

So, I'm gonna let you design our new menu.

- Really, the whole thing?

- Start to finish.

- And whatever I want?

- Yep, well, let's not go crazy.

We've got a client base to think of,

so it can't all be magical flan infused

with dolphin tears, but stick your dish on there.

- Wow, Roland, that's really exciting.

Thank you.

- Yeah, you're welcome, Bib.

You're welcome.

You've got two hours.

- What?

- Chef, you might want to come look at this.

- All right if I park here?

- Oh, God.

- Roly, it's been a long time.

- You know Shay Marshall?

- Little bit.

- Look at you, Roly.

Haven't you grown!

You're supposed to cook the food, not eat it!

- What are you doing here, Shay?

- I'm just doing some filming up at the army base

for the new series, Army Rations, the Shay Way.

Got a face-to-face tomorrow with a ballistics guy.

Trying to figure out a way to make actual working bullets

out of caramel and then fire them

directly into children's mouths,

without killing them, obviously.

No, don't do that!

Sorry, Mr. Marshall.

I don't want to be annoying, but it's

an absolute pleasure to meet you.

- Yeah, you too, man.

- Bib Spiers, my sous chef.

- I'm a Bib fan, big fan.

Really, you are my food hero,

you and Roland, obviously.

- There you go, Bib, hot off the press.

You can't even get it in the shops yet.

- Oh, you.

Good God, no.

Ah, it's, um...

- Got any work you could be getting on with?

- Yes, sorry.

Amazing to meet you, sir.

- And who's this PYT?

- Oh, hello, I'm Caroline.

I'm the Caroline.

She's my restaurant manager.

- The hotel's restaurant manager, yes.

- Yeah, hello, Caroline, how much they paying you?

I'll double it.

Girl like you must be bored titless

working in a place like this.

Although, clearly not!

Wow, look at this place.

Right up your street, Roly, old school.

- Well, it's an old building.

- And it did used to be a school.

- Yeah, it is an old school, but I wouldn't describe it as--

- Right, I guess I should get checked in.

Caroline, show me the way to reception.

Yes, walk this way.

Don't know why I did that.

♫ So everybody, just follow me

♫ 'Cause I need a little controversy

- Kiki?

♫ 'Cause I feel so empty without me

- Kiki?

- Yes?

- Can we just, sh?

- What are you doing?

- I am designing our new menu.

- What's that book?

- This?

This, Kiki, is my new Bible.

- Wow, it's much nicer than my mum's Bible.

Hers doesn't have any pictures,

just a boring cross on the front.

Is that Jesus?

- Jesus?

Kiki, how many photos have you ever seen of Jesus?

- Loads.

- Loads?

- Yeah, Christmas cards, the signs outside the church.

- Photos!

- I think they're photos.

- Kiki, you know who that is, don't you?

He just landed outside on the lawn in a big pink helicopter!

Got his name written right there!

- Shay Marshall.

- Hey, there we go.

There we are.

Got there in the end, didn't we?

- Why's he on a Bible?

- Somebody kill me.

- I'll do it.

- There's only 25 of these in existence, Caroline.

The casing is carved from a chunk of actual meteorite.

- Wow.

So it's older than the planet Earth.

- And it's still working.

Oh, here he is.

- She's got a boyfriend.

What?

- Robin, big guy, farmer.

- Relax, Roly.

I was just reserving a table in the restaurant for tonight.

- You're eating in the restaurant?

- Yeah, looking forward to it.

Be like a trip down memory lane.

Recognize some of these dishes

from when we were at The Belmont, 12 years ago!

Still, if it ain't broken, don't fix it.

- That's an old menu.

You're telling me!

- No, I mean, we've got a whole new menu for tonight.

Haven't we, Caroline?

- Well, we are supposed to.

- Going in a whole new direction.

- What you doing, caramelizing your onions?

I'm only joking.

I look forward to it.

- Me too.

- Look, guys, I've got to dash.

Got a three-hour hot stones massage booked in

with one of your girls down at the spa.

Gotta get rid of some of these knots, you know?

Feel that.

Oh, yeah, that's--

- Yeah, that is hard.

Just, keep doing that.

- Listen to this, "Bacon and eggs, the Shay Way.

"A single chaffinch egg, resting on a spring nest

"of Andalucian prosciutto, seared in maple oil,

"and injected with a yolk of baked bean essence."

Hallelujah!

- I don't see what all the fuss is about.

- Well, the fuss, Skoose, is that he is the youngest chef

ever to win three Michelin stars.

- Is that all?

- Hm?

- I stayed in a three-star place with my dad once.

It was horrible.

The bathroom plug got all blocked up

and this man came 'round with a coat hanger

and pulled out this mush made from soap and downstairs hair.

- Right, no, right, no, these aren't ordinary stars, okay?

These are Michelin stars.

You can't get five.

You can only get three.

- Can't be that good then, can it?

- Roland!

I'm all done.

- Terrine of grouse with Chinese river crackers,

fillet of reindeer with gold-covered cobnuts.

- My menu.

- Oh, it's a menu.

I thought it was a wizard's shopping list.

- No, 'cause you said I could do whatever I want.

- Do what you like, Bib.

- Hello, Bib.

- Hey, Melvin.

- Here you go, everything you wanted, it's all there.

Don't ask me where I got spiny crab at such short notice.

- Thank you, Melvin.

It's much appreciated.

Are you okay?

You've got a bit of a--

- Oh, no, don't worry about that.

It's not mine.

I hit a horse on the A4.

Big, beautiful bastard he was, too.

He was still kicking when I got out of the van,

so I had to finish him off with a spade.

Is it gone now?

- Yeah, it's all gone.

- Cheers, Bib.

See you later, fellas.

- Bye bye.

- Mind if I join you?

- Not at all.

- Been looking at the new menu, impressive.

- Thank you.

- Most exciting menu we've ever had.

- Don't know about that.

- No, it's very adventurous.

This doesn't have anything to do with Shay, does it?

- Excuse me?

- Well, you know, Shay turns up

and suddenly you raise your game.

- Why would I raise my game for someone like Shay Marshall?

- Roland, is there some sort of issue between you and Shay?

- What do you mean?

- Well, I don't know.

Call it women's intuition, but I'm picking up

the tiniest sense of cold, hard, naked hatred towards him.

- Don't be daft, Caroline.

I've got absolutely nothing whatsoever against that prick.

- Good, good to hear.

- Let's hope Robin doesn't hear about your reaction

every time Shay's within 10 yards.

- I'm sorry?

- You know, all the blushing.

- What?

I wasn't blushing.

- Yeah, you were.

You get that red thing all up your neck.

What's that all about?

He's not exactly Mr. Darcy.

There you go, it's happening again.

- Roland, that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.

Hey, guys.

- Hi, Shay!

- Really looking forward to dinner tonight.

Me too!

- Skoose, that is gold leaf!

It's 11 pounds a sheet!

- Weird, innit?

♫ I've got the miner's touch

♫ Everything I touch turned gold

- Yeah.

♫ Oh, sugar

- Okay, can you just--

♫ I've got the miner's touch

♫ Everything I touch turned to gold

- Okay, first of all, it's the Midas touch.

- What?

- It's the Midas touch, not, King Midas.

Everything he touched turned to gold, okay?

It's not the miner's touch.

Why would it be miner's touch?

If it was the miner's touch, it would make

your fingers black, wouldn't it?

- Racist.

- What?

How is that racist?!

- Did you hear that, Axel?

- What?

- Bib reckons you gotta be black to work down a mine.

- I did not say that.

I said, 'cause he said about the, if you wouldn't,

the coal would make your finger black.

Can you just coat the cobnuts in gold,

please, like it says on the sheet?

- How's it going?

- It's going good, thank you, nearly done.

Good, I'll be in my office.

Um, Roland?

Hm?

- Is everything okay? - Yep.

- Okay, good, so just, I was wondering if, maybe,

could you get my book signed for me?

- What?

- Well, you know Shay, don't you?

So I just, I wondered, maybe you could just...

- Yeah. - Yeah?

- Yeah, yeah, I'll do it now. - Okay.

No, what are you doing, Roland?

Oh, Roland.

- There you go.

- Right, what's going on?

- What?

- Something's going on between you and Shay.

- He was my apprentice.

- He what?

- Yeah.

Before your time, Bib.

He was only a kid back then, straight out of school.

He was good.

Even then, he had something.

Problem was he knew it.

Always thought he was better than everyone else.

Three years I worked with him.

Trained him, tried to teach him.

Always knew best.

- Still doesn't seem like a reason to hate him.

- That's not the end of the story.

I was pausing for dramatic effect.

- Ah, right, sorry.

- One night we had a big function here, a lot of VIP guests.

Shay pleaded with me to let him do the entrees.

So I did.

12 guests got food poisoning that night.

They closed me down for a week.

A couple of days later, I found

out the Michelin judge had been in.

- Oh, no.

- So, I got rid of him.

Six years later he opens up the Roebuck.

That was when he swooped.

Came in, took all my best boys, cleaned me out.

Overnight, back to square one.

No chefs, and no star.

And that, Bib, that

is the Shay Way.

Check on, chef.

- Hey, listen up.

Shay Marshall, on order, two crab salad,

one rose-petal soup, one pig's ear, yes?

Yes, chef!

- All right, Skoose, make sure

you get rid of all of that, yes?

That's the dead man's fingers.

Someone eats that and it gets very nasty.

- Okay, I didn't know that.

Thanks for the tip, but these rock-hard spikes,

they're all right to eat, are they?

- Okay, do not test me tonight, Skoose, okay?

- Chef?

Table six is wondering how long their food's gonna be.

Axel, how long on the foie gras?

- Uh, 10 minutes, chef, 15, maybe?

Oh, God.

- Chef, the gentleman at table 14 is

complaining that his pig's ear is tough.

- Of course, it's tough.

It's a pig's ear.

It's basically a piece of leather.

Yeah, what's he expecting?

Roland, I could really use a hand here, Roland!

- Yep, two minutes.

- This is it. - Yeah, yeah.

- Oh, oh yeah.

Hey, how's it going?

Hi, guys, good evening.

Yeah, great, red-eye reduction, yeah, that's good, that.

Don't put it on Facebook, yeah?

Actually, do you mind if I sit on this one?

Because that way I can look at him in the kitchen.

- You okay?

- Yep, all good.

- 'Cause it's gonna be fine.

- Check on, chef, Mr. Marshall's order.

- All right, listen up, VVVIP.

Let's get this one spot on, yes?

Yes, chef!

- On order, one crab salad.

Yes, chef!

- Skoose, pick a good one, yeah?

- Yeah, no shit.

- I'll do that one, Skoose.

- Oh, it's all right, chef.

I've been doing these all night.

- Yeah, I know.

It's just I want to do this one, you know, VIP and all that.

Go and help Axel.

- Sure?

- Yeah, I just want this one to go out perfect, yeah?

- Yes, chef.

- Yeah, well, if they're gonna fly me all the way to Dubai,

then they better charter something.

I've been on their planes before and they stink.

Yeah, okay, look, got to go.

Yep, bye.

Hi, Roly.

- How's the wine?

- Not bad.

You should come and have a look at my wine one day.

I keep it in the basement of a castle in Belgium.

It's the only place I could find in Europe

with the perfect climate and humidity.

- Yeah?

You should come and look at mine.

I keep it in a fridge.

- Your entree, spiny crab salad, Mr. Marshall.

- Mr. Marshall's my dad, Caroline.

- Shay.

- Good girl.

I would absolutely blow the back doors off that.

- Would you?

Why don't you try your crab?

- Look, Roly.

- Roland.

- I'm sure you're wondering why I'm here.

- Not really, eat your food.

- Well, since my third Michelin star,

I've been doing a lot of soul-searching, you know,

thinking about the people that helped me along the way.

- Really?

- And you're one of those people, Roly.

And what I did to you was unforgivable.

- Yes, it was.

- I screwed you over, simple as that.

And I want to make it up to you.

- You can start by eating your dinner.

- I can do better than that, Roly, a lot better.

I spoke to a mate of mine this morning, Andrew Svensson.

- Andrew Svensson?

- Uh-huh.

- From the Michelin panel?

- Yeah.

And guess what.

He's coming here.

- What?

- You heard.

I've sorted it.

- No.

- Yeah.

- Shit.

- Good, innit?

The Michelin panel are coming to the White House Restaurant,

to eat your food, Roly.

I just hope that that makes us even.

Mm, oh, this is good.

This is amazing.

Wow, Roly, you give them this stuff,

and you're definitely gonna get your Michelin star.

Sorry, don't know where that came from.

Oh, something's not right.

I need to go to the toilet.

- Shay, why don't you just come through to the--

- Are you okay, Mr. Marshall?

- Oh, yeah, I'm fine.

Oh, God.

You!

- That'll teach him to bring his own sandwiches.

- What happened, did you?

- Shay?

You will still speak to Andrew?

You!

- Last time I let you do the menu.

♫ Oh, what do you know

♫ Since there's nothing above

♫ There must be something below

♫ So take those pictures off the wall

♫ No one will believe you

♫ Till your world starts to fall down