Original subtitles

Now I'm gonna have you step on the scale.

No, just wait...

Okay, great.

Nora here is just gonna take some blood

and then you'll be all set.

You have to do a blood panel?

It's standard for all physicals.

Well, next time do it before you weigh me!

I am gonna refer you to an audiologist

because I think you may have slight presbycusis.

But it's normal to have some hearing loss at your age.

I'll have you know I have excellent hearing.

I overheard your nurse in the waiting room violating HIPAA.

Okay.

And I'm gonna recommend you get the pneumonia vaccine

since you're over 65.

Well, that's your word against mine.

Have a nice afternoon.

Yeah. Tough room.

- What's that? - Nothing.

Okay.

Now who's hard of hearing?

Ladies, are you just sick to death of your microwave being so ugly?

Well, we found Betty here who has cracked the code.

The House of Vance microwave skin collection

now lets you use your microwave to express yourself.

Finally!

No longer do you have to look at an ugly metal box.

For instance, this one

is a gorgeous sunset view of the Ponte Vecchio.

And don't forget these little pockets on the side.

Oh, that's right, they have pockets.

That's how you know it's a boy.

And what couldn't you put in there?

Anything larger than four by two.

Betty, I just think you're a genius.

How did you come up with this idea?

Oh, well I... I used to be married

and I always wanted to go to Paris...

- Mr. Vaughn! - Roy!

- Hey! - What are you doing down here?

Oh, I came to see you. House of Vance sales are fantastic.

Congratulations!

- We're very happy about it. - With these numbers

I might have to poach you from Deborah.

You know she owns a gun, Roy.

She'd kneecap me in a second.

Oh, please, she would go straight for the groin.

Still, think about it.

- I will. - Next up.

We're gonna change the way you store your salad dressing forever.

Yes!

Have we heard back from that doctor?

Oh, I think he'll just send the results directly to the network.

Well, I don't trust him.

I don't know why I couldn't have seen my own doctor.

He's a pushover.

Okay. Well, you know, this is good.

The fact that they had you do an insurance physical

means they're serious about you.

Apparently, it's down to you, Jack Danby

and some guy who won the X Games? I doubt he's funny.

Well, they better have made those guys take physicals too

or they're gonna have a big lawsuit on their hands.

Yeah, you know what? I'm gonna go ahead

and say I think it's wise

to not sue the network you're hoping will hire you.

- Fine. - Look, this is all good!

And you emceeing the charity event for the affiliates

is a genius way to curry favor.

Just focus on that.

Yeah, no, you're right. No, I have to kill there.

I have some time now, so Ava and I are gonna work on it.

Ava and Deborah, my two gorgeous girls!

I think it's okay to say that, right?

- Goodbye, Jimmy. - You...

You're hanging up because you have to go right?

Not because I said the gorgeous girl's thing... hello?

Deborah?

Fine. Everything's good.

Okay, what do 50-year-old men

who own TV stations, who you need to charm

so that they'll give you a late-night TV show find funny?

I don't know.

What the hell are you doing?

This is how I sip now.

Don't start. I don't like it, but you know

I found out I've been doing it wrong all these years.

The traditional, pedestrian sip causes lip lines.

Watch.

See?

All that crinkling leads to wrinkling.

You gotta make your upper lip almost disappear.

That's how you know you're doing it right. Look.

Yeah, wrinkles are unattractive.

Definitely keep doing it like that.

I will.

Oh, my god.

What's the matter?

Apparently Ruby packed up all my stuff

and wants to know where to send it.

Have her throw it away.

My stuff? No!

I just want her to put it in boxes in the garage.

Sending it somewhere seems so final.

Can we get back to writing jokes?

Sorry.

I'll be funny now.

Hey, look.

I have writer's block. You have manic depression.

How 'bout we, I don't know, take a walk or something.

You know, change of scenery.

Move our bodies.

Yes. I love that idea.

There are so many amazing trails around here.

No, I was thinking of more like a walk around an outlet mall

- with a Gucci. - No, please.

We're in the middle of gorgeous Pennsylvania forestry.

It's like Twilight out there. Kristen Stewart.

Unless you can't handle a hike.

Let's do it.

Yeah! I get to wear my thick socks.

Yippee.

Okay

so, there's a trail that we could do that's a loop

but it's saying it's about 90 minutes.

- That's fine. - Okay.

Oh, no, this is a super casual forest.

You don't need to wear gloves.

They're sun protection gloves.

UPF of 50 plus.

The hands never lie.

Only part of your body you can't help surgically.

There's no such thing as a hand job.

My eighth-grade boyfriend Brendan Otis would beg to differ.

It's too young in retrospect.

Happened on the trampoline.

- Disgusting! - Okay, stop.

God I'm already feeling so much better.

After a major life event

it is so healing to commune with nature.

Listen to what the old gal has to say.

Major life event... Oh, you mean that girl?

Yeah, she was my long-term partner.

"Long-term partner."

You make it sound like you drove her to dialysis appointments.

I mean, why do you even want to be in a relationship?

Probably 'cause they're the basic building blocks of human connection?

I'm serious! You're 27 years old.

This is the time to focus on you.

Okay, sure, but I can do both.

No, when you're in a relationship

you make decisions for the two of you.

And it's hard enough to make it in this business.

You gotta concentrate on what's best for you.

You know, just, you know, buy a vibrator.

Okay, hilarious that you think I don't have a vibrator.

Plus, it's not like I can just choose not to want a relationship.

I've always wanted one.

I mean, have you never considered getting remarried?

I had a husband

and he's in hell.

Yeah, that's why I said, "remarried."

Seriously, who's like your dream man?

The work ethic of John Rockefeller in the body of James Gandolfini.

Absolutely nuts.

No, I'm... I'm never gonna get remarried.

I don't wanna have to make room in the fridge for tapioca

or whatever the hell old men eat.

Okay.

- Don't you ever get lonely? - No.

You know, maybe sometimes when I open a bottle of Krug.

You know, you can't recork champagne.

I gotta scan these mushrooms.

- What? - You're gonna scan a mushroom?

Yeah.

Yeah, recently got into foraging.

Well, the idea of it. Haven't actually done it yet.

Until now. Maiden voyage!

It's... inconclusive, gotta get a better angle.

No.

No.

Were you brought up in a barn?

It's a chanterelle.

Yep. Chanterelle!

Awesome.

Oh sick, perfect walking stick.

All right, let's see.

So, one of the Florida affiliates is originally from London.

So maybe some London-based humor?

But I've never been, so, I don't know.

You've never been to London?

No, I've actually never been outside of the country.

Well, besides Montreal.

And I was supposed to go to Iceland

but that didn't end up happening.

But you've been to Paris!

No, again, "outta the country" would include Paris.

Oh, my god.

You've never had real bread!

I feel like I have.

No, you haven't.

Oh, my god. You have to go to Paris.

And Venice!

You haven't lived until you've seen the canals of Venice.

Saw the Ponte Vecchio on a microwave this morning.

We sold out.

Hang on. Sorry, this can't be right.

Let me just check something.

I'm a little confused by the trail map.

Are we supposed to go down this ravine and cross the stream?

Maybe we should turn around.

Oh, you mean, maybe I should turn around.

No, that is not what I mean.

But, I mean, come on. It's so steep. We can't.

If this is the trail, let's follow it.

All right, at least take the walking stick.

Come on, let's go. Let's go.

Okay.

Oh, shit! Fuck!

Shit!

Oh, my god...

Are you okay?

Come on, here I got you.

Holy shit! Okay...

Okay. Come on.

Okay, let's get you down.

Oh, shit!

Oh, my god! Are you okay?

- I'm fine. - I heard a pop!

Yeah, so did I. Which means my hearing is just fine!

We should turn around, get you help!

We've been walking for an hour.

If it's a loop it'll be closer if we just keep going.

I guess, let me see where we are.

- I gotta keep moving. - No, well, take my hand at least!

I don't need your hand!

Oh, fuck!

Oh, shit!

Careful, God.

Fuck! Oh, my god!

Okay, what are we gonna do? We should put it in rice!

Rice? Where we gonna find rice?

How the hell should I know?

You're the one that always has food on her!

Oh, fuck. It's dead.

Okay. Give me your phone.

I'll pull up the map on yours.

I don't have my phone.

What?

Where would I have my phone? I don't have a purse.

Your pockets!

I don't put anything in my pockets. It ruins my lines.

"It ruins your lines"?

Oh, my god! So, we're stranded in the middle of the woods

- without phones? - And whose fault is that?

It was your idea!

Let's get out, move our bodies! That's you!

I suggested a mall!

This wouldn't have happened at the King of Prussia!

And if it did, there would've been an Apple store!

Okay, okay, let's just finish and get you to the car.

Come on.

Take that.

Come on.

- I... I need a break. - Okay. Okay.

- Here, this way. - Okay.

Let's get you down.

Okay. You good?

- I'm good... - Yeah? I got...

Okay.

I think we should make you a splint.

You can't tie a simple double Windsor.

How are you gonna make a splint?

No, but I did go to gymnastics camp

and I was really bad after I got my period

so I spent a lot of time sitting next to the team doctor

and yeah, I picked up a couple things.

Maybe I should just let birds peck at my body

until I'm completely gone.

Okay, okay.

Okay. Oh, yeah. This is good.

All right.

Sorry.

- Sorry, sorry! - Dammit!

Sorry, look I know it hurts right now

but it's gonna be okay.

You know, it's maybe a sprain.

Worst case you'll have to wear like a boot or something.

A boot?

Oh, and clomp around like I lost a ski?

Fantastic.

A boot is not that bad.

Yeah, well, me wearing a boot

is different than you wearing a boot.

'Cause of paparazzi?

No. Me wearing a boot, I look old.

And frail.

Same as wearing a hearing aid or whatever.

I'm not gonna do that.

Well, yeah but it's okay if you need those things though, right?

I mean it's perfectly natural for you

not to be able to do all the things you used to.

But that's the thing.

I still feel like I can do everything.

I don't feel my age.

Then I look in the mirror, and I don't recognize myself.

Well, you do redo your face a lot.

I don't redo. I refresh.

The whole goal is to keep it the same.

'Cause I feel the same.

I feel like a 30-year-old...

who can't read the menu without a flashlight.

Okay, we should be good to go.

You're no Ferragamo, but it'll do.

- Sorry. - Oh, god.

Okay. All right.

Onward.

- Crap! Shit! - Sorry!

You're fine. You're fine.

Are we almost there?

This... this can't be right.

I think it is. Hang on. Let me just...

let's just get you stable.

Let me park you right here.

Okay, okay.

- You okay? - Yeah.

You know what? I'm gonna climb this tree.

See if I can get a better view of the parking lot

or the road or something.

What? You don't think it's safe?

No, it's just, you've never given me nimble.

You know what?

Watch this.

Okay, here we go.

It's always more firm than you think it's gonna be.

Okay.

Not so fast, not so fast.

Just put...

Okay.

I can't see anything. I think I gotta get higher.

Be careful!

It's fine.

There's a... there's a bee!

Get outta here!

Oh! Oh, god!

Oh, god! Are you okay?

- Fuck! - What happened?

Oh, I got stung by a bee!

Oh, where? Where? Oh, let me see.

Oh yeah, he gotcha.

She. Male bees don't sting.

Oh, honey, give it a rest.

Yeah, I think we should keep moving.

- Yeah. Come on, let's... - Okay. Let's...

let's walk it off.

- Okay. - All right, here we go.

Does it hurt?

Yeah.

But I don't blame the bee, though.

Oh, good.

This is their world and we're pushing them out.

I mean, they're going extinct because of us.

Actually, I deserved it.

Agreed.

Bees are not going extinct.

Yes, they are.

Climate change is literally wreaking havoc on their ecosystem.

The Earth is a billion years old.

It just self-corrects from any damage that's done to it.

No, we're destroying the planet.

It's a proven fact.

Trust me, we're fine.

I think I'll trust the thousands and thousands of scientists

over you on this one.

- But thanks. - Oh, sure.

Trust a bunch of men over me.

Oh, my god. You are being sexist while accusing me of being sexist.

Did you know that wildlife populations

have diminished 70% since 1970?

I don't buy that. I'm sorry. I always see animals.

The problem is there's too many people.

I remember a day when you could walk down Fifth Avenue

from The Plaza to Cartier

and see ten, maybe 12 people, tops.

Now it's a shit show!

Believe me, no one's going extinct anytime soon.

People like having sex too much.

You got nothing to worry about.

Why won't you admit that this is a problem?

Look even if what you say is true...

what can any one person do about it?

Well, you're right. Your average person can't do as much

as corporations or governments.

There ya go, case closed.

I said, average person.

You're one of the biggest climate criminals I know!

Your carbon footprint is huge!

Well, not as big as your carbon handprint.

Hey! We had an agreement!

I'm handicapped now. I have more rights.

Okay, you know what, joke all you want

but you drive cars that are inefficient

- you take a private jet everywhere. - Not everywhere.

All the stuff that you sell on QVC

it's all plastic and fast fashion.

Polyester doesn't degrade, and it's made from oil.

Okay, Forever 21 is basically Exxon.

Zara? BP.

Listen, I'm not saying you're wrong. It's just that...

young people are just so much more dramatic about everything.

You live long enough, you realize things don't change that drastically.

Okay, think of it this way. When you play a comedy club

you don't do the shitty material at the end of your set

and leave the crowd cold outta respect

for the comedian following you, right?

- Of course not! - Okay.

So maybe think of the Earth that way.

Well, neither one of us is gonna have a future

if we don't get the hell... hell outta here.

It's gonna be dark soon.

I think I should go ahead and find help.

No. Don't... Don't leave me.

Okay. I won't.

I... I can keep going.

Let's... let's go.

It's so steep!

Yeah well, remember in the beginning we were going down?

- Yeah. - Well, this must be the end

'cause we're going up.

We got it.

Oh, shit.

- Fuck! - Shit! It's not a loop!

We've just been walking deeper and deeper into the woods!

Goddammit!

I think we should start thinking about making shelter.

Making shelter?

We're not gonna sleep out here!

Besides, I have to be at QVC in three hours!

We're rolling out new infinity scarves!

Literally nothing could sound less urgent to me.

They come with matching beanies!

Okay.

Look.

We're gonna hear the search helicopter any second.

I'm worth way too much money for them to not come and look for me.

How are they gonna find us?

We didn't tell anyone where we were going!

Oh, right.

Look, it's gonna be, like, 30 degrees tonight.

So, if you're really against the shelter plan

then we need to get serious about finding some help.

Help!

- Help! - Help!

- Help! - Help!

- Somebody, please! Help! - Help!

Wait, I know why it's not working!

I... I read this study...

- Not now, Ava! - No, it's relevant. I promise!

Okay, it was about emergency response.

It said people are less likely to help someone

if they hear them yelling "help."

Oh, that's right!

You're... you're supposed to yell "fire" right?

No! No... you're supposed to yell

"Why are you doing this to me? I don't even know you!"

We're gonna die out here.

No, it's because if people hear a woman screaming "help,"

they think she's in a domestic dispute with her husband

'cause he won't let her have a credit card or something.

So they don't do anything.

That's why you gotta yell, "Why are you doing this to me?

I don't even know you!"

That's ridiculous.

Why are you doing this to me? I don't even know you!

Why are you doing this to me? I don't even know you!

Why are you doing this to me? I don't even know you!

Why are you doing this to me? I don't even know you!

Okay.

Let's make a fire.

Yeah.

So ironic that you can't make a fire.

Now this would make a great Late Night story.

It's not happening.

You know this is the first time I've missed my skincare regimen

since the Bush administration.

I'm talking H.W.

I'm so sorry I made us come out here and then got us lost.

We should have just gone to the mall.

I coulda... I coulda gotten Auntie Anne's.

No, I shouldn't have been so hard on you.

It's not your fault my stupid body broke down.

Come on, you're in great shape.

Say it.

For a woman your age.

You know your whole life

you say, "One day..."

You know, "One day, I'll do this.

One day, I'll accomplish that."

And the magic of "one day" is that it's...

it's all ahead of you.

But for me, one day is now.

Anything I wanna do, I have to do now.

Or else I'll never do it.

That's the worst part of getting old.

I believe you told me that the worst part

about getting older is the collagen loss.

That too.

The best part of being young...

is that you don't have to savor everything.

You don't even have to consider it, you know?

Eat that candy bar and sleep in on Saturday morning.

Or have a breakup.

It's not the end of the world.

It's just the beginning.

That's the ultimate luxury.

Not having to suck the marrow out of every day.

Just toss the bones

not even make a soup.

Sorry, I'm really hungry.

What was that?

Wa... was that an animal?

Why are you doing this to me? I don't even know you!

Why are you doing this to me? I don't even know you!

Why are you doing this to me? I don't even know you!

Why are you doing this to me? I don't even know you!

Are you guys, okay?

Oh, my god!

Yeah, we are!

- Thank you! - Hi!

We're alive. We're alive!

Okay.

I gotcha. I gotcha.

I gotcha. I gotcha.

Careful.

Careful.

Okay. Yeah. Okay, okay.

Oh, wait, wait!

Boys!

I... I can't thank you enough.

And to show you my gratitude

I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna build an in-home QVC studio

so that I do not have to depend so much on my private jet.

And I'm gonna transition

half of my portfolio into green stocks.

And?

And install solar panels even though it's gonna ruin the roof line.

Okay.

Ask.

Could you also buy us Mike's Hard?

Whatever you want. I owe you.

Sick.

Come on.

Okay.

Nice to meet you, guys.

- Take care. - Nice to meet you.

Got it?

You know what? I'm driving.

Okay. Whichever.

You know it's like when you say goodbye

and then you're not leaving. It's crazy.

Okay.

Or should... should we follow you for the Mike's Hard stuff?

- Yeah. - Okay!

You got her.

God, there you are.

Holy shit. Are you... are you okay?

I have to sell infinity scarves!

Okay, what happened?

We took a walk.

She looks rough.

I heard that!

What the fuck? Can we get a medic, please?

You shouldn't use plastic.