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[Music]

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B

it Everyone likes a pub quiz but only if

you win it's benador on ice1 in an hour

first there's some strong language as

it's all coming out in

Bonkers hello welcome back to my midlife

crisis

so what were we doing the last time

to find the

mus

well John decided to Chuck himself off

the roof only he got cold feet and then

got stuck so Marcus went up after him

next up HEC dos been alerted and it

turns out that she's in melda's the

lesbian a stiny mood TOS his face I just

needed shag and you were there on a shag

dude

thingy I'm I'm seeing a psychoanalyst

therapist to make yourself feel better

about being a

[ __ ] and I've

decided to put the house up for S with s

that

means no one will be able to see

[Applause]

me then Jeremy came around you look

lovely Helen if you don't mind me saying

so if you don't mind me saying so but I

have to ask him to leave because frankly

I was Bor

rigid which I apologize I'm sorry I'm H

you are and

[Music]

Tim I don't know what Tim's up to oh

great but he's a good boy and I love him

so

yeah oh when the fire briger got John

off the roof he then got whisked off

down the PO station where he

admitted to having done her in Debbie D

Debbie

in and now

this Helen it's me Marcus I've seen

Debbie what where so you have to come

through I've got to go I'm at the police

station I'll call you as soon as I

can so you coming out of R 52

isn't that a gayar possibly is it I

don't know you do realize that anyone

could walk in here and say that they'

seem de I'm a lawyer I don't make things

up you didn't get a registration number

and you can't even agree what color the

car was it was dark yes and we do know

it was a boxall

howy look you can't charge him until you

followed this up because Debbie is out

there a car travels past you at R 40 m

an hour more in the dark and you're

utterly convinced that it was

her yeah I might well be three sheets to

the wind pal but that is often when I am

often at my most lucid and nothing you

can say can touch me because you are

nothing more than a figment of my

imagination you keep saying that love

but you're still talking to

me Tim good evening

I'd like to answer that I thought you

were on the phone and you're not you're

just talking to yourself again I'm going

to tell you something now Tim and you're

going to think I don't know what you're

going to think but I'm going to tell you

anyway cuz I think I need help you're

going to regret this

Helen this

here it's Felix Nash yeah and I know you

can't see him but he's very there and

he's been there since he fell into a

coma in New Zealand and yes I am mad and

I've been mad ever since your father

left which I think is probably the whole

point don't you shake your head at me

and wipe that shitty look off your face

you see it was all right to start with

but now I can't St the arant TOs

now I suppose they ought to go home

yeah is that what you

want

no I want to go back to your place with

[Music]

you right

then I'll follow you on

[Music]

oh

Jesus

hi

[Music]

T were you

um all right last night what was I doing

uh it was more what you were saying

about Felix

Nash look

Tim he's

here he's here right now lying right

next to

me he's asleep

naked my the my theory is that I coped

with your dad by I don't know inventing

this thing my fantasy

bloke so uh you

sleep together no

well yeah well once you may

you

sex with a man who doesn't

[Music]

exist I need to get in the shower right

well I'll uh yeah make myself guess uh

I've got a job interview today where Pet

Shop

[Music]

what the hell was that for the house is

on fire what

yeah you're lying so

[Music]

what Tim she's totally off a trolling

sorry she thinks she's living with Felix

Nash that puffy actor she likes she

thinks he's here living with her oh and

it's not even like she's fantasizing

it's like she's actually mad like he's

really really there and she can't get

rid of him and he's driving her up the

wall listen Tim listen Nicole came back

last night so I'm stuck in this Crotty

bed and breakfast again then this

morning not 10 minutes since I get a

phone call from Manchester saying the

[ __ ] of the north wants to see me in

her office at 2:00 this afternoon she's

going to sack me Tim she's read the

script decided it [ __ ] and she's going

to sack me so forgive me if I've got

better bloody things to think of right

now than whatever the hell your mother

think think she's up to all

right of course I would never have

looked him twice if it hadn't been for

this open marriage business it would

never have occurred to me

to but

um

yeah and I'm sorry Helen threw you out

Jeremy I am

honestly I wish you could be as happy as

I am but

well just bad timing I

suppose out of Interest would you like

it if I shagged you on the dining table

God never thought about

[Laughter]

it I have to go to work oh me

[Music]

too

gosh I can't remember the last time I

left for work feeling so cheerful

so what time did he get in 3:00 you were

asleep I didn't want to wake you and why

doesn't she believe

you oh because we can't prove it we me

and Andrew was with me he saw her too in

the car he was there at the same time

leaving the office so he came with me to

report it and she kept you there for 8

hours yes

I want to say

something go

[Music]

on I want us to try again with

everything I'm sorry I've been so

ridiculous and selfish and God knows

maybe I been expecting too much from

people and perhaps haven't been grateful

enough for the things that we have we

have got right

together and we can make such a nice

little team can't

we and I'm

sorry I just wanted to say

that I'm

gay what you were right no I wasn't um I

I I've met someone else no you haven't

why didn't you say all of this yesterday

who have you met

oh

God since

yesterday

Andrew I have to get to work

[Music]

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[Music]

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[Music]

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[Music]

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the pleasures all

yours everybody in my life that's kind

of fulltime in my life thinks a

shouldn't do this I personally I'm not

happy about her doing it I like to see

the curves and if Louise become too

skinny and I don't want to be at feel

her ribs and her rib C that's not that

what I like Louise rnap discovers the

truth about size zero Wednesday at 9 ITV

[Music]

1 9:30 you're taking 9d for biology Cuz

Mr hard is still off with his toenail

10:15 you're see wolf Nan's parents

rather you than me 10:30 a request from

Mrs Halliday to pop into the music room

and see what Ashley Potter's gone and

done inside the claven NOA 1040 Mr weal

wants to go through the PE budget with

you because he says he's not the Messiah

and he can't perform Miracles 1055 you

know what I've never liked about you Mrs

huitt I'm sorry Mr waterhous no you're

supposed to say no what have you never

liked about me Mr Waterhouse to which I

reply

everything I'm going home

home I'm taking early retirement What

right now right this minute right this

second you can't can't I why not is that

an illegal substance Mr B it is I

confiscated it off Wi bottomly 3 days

ago and now I'm going to take it home

stick it in my pipe and smoke it are you

all right Mr water how's yes Mrs H you

don't seem yourself don't I well that's

good because I don't want to be myself

anymore do you know what I've always

always always wanted to be Mrs GID no Mr

waterhous more than anything else in the

whole white world no Mr waterhous

entirely

[Music]

irresponsible listen Jeremy I'm sorry

about oh you'll never guess but when I

went back to my house last night I found

your Tim shagging Harriet on the dining

table

[Music]

Helen um they're keeping John in I'm

certain that it was Debbie but I can't

prove it and that's witch at the police

station won't believe me so right well

what are you going to do about it I

don't know yet I need to speak to some

people take

advice listen can I come over this

afternoon there's um something else I

wanted to do talk to about

what I'm gay are you yes yes I am right

so so I'll uh I'll see you this

afternoon then yeah bye-bye

bye-bye morning Miss

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

morning you've got a job in a pet shop

yeah uh stacking shelves with an eyes to

middle management if I play my cards

right right shall we go upstairs then uh

no no the the point is I'm not going to

be doing that anymore what

yeah well Tim I'm disappointed um I I I

appreciate that Mr are you

sure yeah I

am you've got a talent Tim a gift and

that's not something you should keep to

yourself yeah no I I know I could make

you rich that's very kind of you but you

were all up for it last time big boy

yeah uh until you fixed me up with my

auntie

amelda you are

joking no the estate

agent

yep so look uh I'm going now I bet

you're still stoking Wendy Wow's

boiler no uh I'm not in fact I'm going

to go and tell her the same thing right

now

hello Tim hi you moving uh I don't know

long time now see how's things uh good

fine yeah what are you up to I just got

a job stacking shelves at the um great

so what can I do you for I was

just can I ask you

something uh what you've not seen any

comings and goings when I've been off

have you

what sort of uh uh comings and goings

fellas no only I I think she's

what being at it with

someone do you I've not said anything

no you see anything hear anything next

time I'm

off you tip me the wi I get it back son

yeah yes right thank you I will

[Music]

[Applause]

so what did you

want uh I uh booted my football over

into your background uh so I was just

wondering if oh cheers thanks thanks

very much

[Music]

[Applause]

hello

Helen I need to talk to you I'm teaching

Marcus is being shed up the by some blow

called Andre God knows what's going to

happen

next I want to about

children you not pip down I'm dealing

with a crisis here thank you right start

again Marcus is gay I know he told me

earlier but I didn't know he was at it

with anyone well he is so who's this

Andrew blman anyway

I've got to go my client's here I'll pop

around tonight after work ah is that all

right yeah

only oh that's something to look forward

to anyway he hasn't had an offer from

heartbeat I expect to Vicky Clark on

Tuesday they all know he's a

smackhead well they do

now okay

bye trouble Tony

thanks for popping in oh no no no no

trouble

good now this isn't easy you're a nice

guy

but you're

fired Beth Daw Howard

hi thank you so much no we're so

thrilled we're just

delighted not at all you're very clever

and you're very very special

yeah sure sure yeah I love you too okay

bye

byebye Tony last script not quite there

not quite where you wanted it to be

added to which your contribution in

meetings recently has equally fallen

short of what one might expect from a

writer with your background and

experience Tim's here 3 minutes with

that in

mind I think the time has come for you

and Jubilee terorist depart company

B oh aliser

hi I've been writing on the show for 15

years could that be part of the problem

no it's not part of the freaking problem

head of programs I was weaned on this

show it's it's in the blood sorry aliser

hang on a sec the show is evolving we

need to think about leaving story lines

about pork pies and Underpants behind no

no sorry Alisa sorry I'm trying to speak

to two

people Tony by Parker yeah yeah you do

he's one of the

writers plump

Northern that's right yeah listen I'm

just

scking yeah just now yeah okay would you

okay let's speak later thanks

bye don't feel that you

failed my wife's kicked me out did you

know

she found out I was at it with a

19-year-old who I got pregnant 3 years

ago right there we were in the garden

celebrating our 20th wedding anniversary

with all our friends and neighbors

Nicole comes around shouting the odds

and Nicole the 19-year-old oh good lord

meanwhile Helen's brother's fiance is at

it with our Tim in our bedroom John

Helen's brother walks in on him and

that's it he marches off Burns his house

down and she goes missing heck yeah the

police seems to think he's done her in

you kidding no he's in custody then

there's Marcus and nlda Helen's other

brother she thinks he's a lesbian he

thinks she's a puff have I have I said

that the wrong way around yeah and I

didn't tell you about Nicole dumping

Bailey on me and buggering off to

Benidorm baile is the baby my lad is too

he's he's

Grand but I I've had a lot on I suppose

is is the

point this could be really interesting

could it in in what sense well if she

goes off to benador and leaves him with

the baby and if he say disappeared with

the baby he no it's me anyone she's back

now no I'm just saying I'm thinking of

Ken and

Jodie rise and the gay couple is he

professional Marcus is a solicitor oh

good I like that you see this could be

Adam and Selena you see he could have

had a string of other Fells on the go

for years behind her back he could be

being blackmailed

uh rent boy great

yes and the wife emelda she's uh well

interestingly she'd probably try and

pull the rent boy she does things kind

of laterally does a melder it's could

run and

run you [ __ ] yes hello Mom you get back

out there and take that for sale sign

down right now Jeremy's gone weird he's

diing a big hole in his

garden right so why this morning did

Jeremy tell me that he caught you at it

with Harriet on the dining table ah

you're kidding please please please tell

me you are not shagging Harriet

Waterhouse no uh I'm not

but keep talking she grabbed me she saw

him Jeremy coming back and she wanted

him to be jealous so she grabbed me and

said make it look like we're having sex

uh and he walked in so it did look like

we were even though we weren't but the

bigger point is he thinks we were and

now he's digging a hole a big deep

hole what's going on

hi there was a message from Mrs hwit she

said what are

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

you what are you

smoking what are you doing pole why I'm

digging to Australia has something

happened I've seen the

light and I bought a Harley I'm picking

it up tomorrow morning

[Music]

you look so sexy in that skirt I would

really like to Bonk your senseless right

here right

now sure I can fit you into my busy

schedule if I'm supposed to find this

attractive it's a serious miscalculation

it's a shame you haven't got melons like

pons but are you having a nervous

breakdown I don't know but it's

[Music]

fun you've seen my ax anywhere

[Music]

what are you doing here you know what I

can't get over is why the hell you got

married and had children in the first

place if you knew all along what a

screaming Queen you were I didn't know

that damn well did not in so many words

I didn't look emelda I've come to talk

to my sister about the fact that I've

seen Debbie John is languishing in a

prison cell and all you can do oh yes

that's right go on change the sing

subject coward oh hello God to think

that all this time I could have been

with a real man a proper man he's coming

in a man who didn't make me feel like a

dyke nobody can make someone feel like a

dyke you went telling people that I was

a lesbian Tony I only told Tony and you

were the one who actually pursued it

I've just made some

tea you were the one who set up that

ridiculous date with that Bloody woman

of all people yes yes that's how

desperate I was I actually believed you

what are the wagon wheels you know as

I to in amongst all the

Slime why you [ __ ] that was a sing

multi know how much you like your

biscuits your underwear as well just

like I said I

would all your 10 a b bubble bath down

the

plug nobody Embraces the whole thing as

wholeheartedly as you did just on

someone else's suggestion anyway we're

not talking about me we're talking about

you T sorry there aren't any biscuits

and then I clean the with your tooth

brush and my God didn't need it milk

sugar and th you will not believe what

I've G done your moisturizer I'll just

let Tim know I've made some

tea oh is is Tim yeah he's hiding

upstairs I've made some tea you've asked

for everything you've got I uh I need to

collect the boys I'll pick up the boys

yes I'll be wanting custody of them next

you don't know where they are they're

not at school they're at drama club and

you don't know where that is that's how

much he knows about them oh you off then

this isn't the end of it and you need

think it

[Music]

is so

now you know yeah sorry it's all right

sorry to inflict this on you now what

about the children I

know oh God there's a thousand onone

things to think through but I know this

is the way forward for

me Ellen yeah yep well yeah good that's

good as long as nobody gets her well

apart from

Elder aren't you bothered of course but

you know I've got my own things to

contend with oh God yes Tony Tony oh

John yes no what then well I suppose you

might as well know what I'm Bonkers mom

no I am living with a man don't mom

living with a man mental illness is

nothing to be ashamed of no

maybe mental you've got to acknowledge

it's there in order to be able able to

deal with it I am living with a man who

doesn't exist and I can't stand

him and while we're on the subject Felix

if you think for one moment that I'm

going to be intimidated and bullied into

not selling the house by someone who

ejaculates in my face cream then you

have taken on the wrong woman

Buster I'll go I'll go I'll go

[Music]

as

[Music]

things Helen hello Marcus are you uh all

right I've just come to do some

measuring up in the back Garden for the

Marquee and everything what Marquee for

the wedding nnie

[Applause]

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[Music]

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[Music]

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[Music]

what she may some kind of breakdown

memory she looks all right to

me he

is hello where have you been I

don't really

know they all thought I'd done something

to you

I'm

sorry what happened about Tim and

everything doesn't

matter nothing matters except you're

safe really

yeah

so are we still getting married then or

what

H

[Music]

what I'm

what I'm going to miss all little

chats what little chats when I visited

we always seem to get on despite the

difficult circumstances

all right well you

know perhaps we could see each other

again what

for a drink why

fun

fun here's my number if ever

you

yeah and no doubt I'll see you in court

court we've not dropped the arson

charges against George on oh no right

right anyway I've got your

number

[Music]

yeah she was chatting me up what shlock

holes inspector NAA she was chatting me

up she why are you still in the house uh

yeah yeah oh you were out I'm doing the

evening shift she's turned up I know

we're getting married good kind of I

didn't not your bloody block off did I

that's enough that will do we've had

enough trouble uh I'll see

you someone's going to KN that cocky

grein right off his BR one day stop it

just stop that come

inside I better be off right uh before

you go uh John there's two things to

tell you what Marcus is gay and I'm

Bonkers gay in what sense in in in in

the um well um talk about it properly

later over a drink or something but he's

married yeah as I say right um we'll

yeah

later

[Music]

right I always thought he was me

too right now um before we go inside

John um there's somebody I'd like you to

meet somebody who doesn't actually exist

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

hiy hi what's your game

uh didn't like it you what I like the

original don't get me wrong but that

it's that's just [ __ ] really isn't it

she paid 450 quid for that yeah well

that is tragic are you taking the piss

sorry did you did you like it what

that's not the point is it you can't col

I bought Harley this morning you

have have you picking up tomorrow

tomorrow can't wait oh well

that's can I have a go

yeah actually you're right was [ __ ]

wasn't

it I said to him I'm going what's people

going to think May with a naked man of

me front garden I didn't think she says

I didn't

think what should I tell

her I'll think it's something

hey

J

what you haven't seen any comings or

going around our house have you what

kind of comings and

going

fellas no no no I don't think

so uh what no

what well I did catch Tim attic with

Harry on the dining table last night so

Tim yeah this Tim

yeah with Dr wal

tals yeah and and I know he's been

coming around doing odd jobs around your

house your man yes that's what I was

trying to tell you I am mad there's no

one here that's right not to you so

start again you're selling the house

because of a man who isn't here well yes

I lied you're mad what I said you're mad

we've established that I'm not talking

to you I lied about all the face cream

and the bubble bath and hiding things I

was trying to make you understand the

position I'm in Helen I lashed out cuz I

was upset and what about the wagon

wheels I ate them this is really sick

Helen all of them you can't sell the

house yeah well why

not all I have to live for is watching

telly all day I might as well eat myself

stupid while I'm at it I mean it's just

not funny don't leave

me don't sell

up my son is in your

house enen I thought you like

me the problem is Felix and don't take

this personally but you don't

exist and I've got to get you out of my

life because then I'll stop being mad

you're proper barking hold

onx

most oh hello Colin

where's your Tim oh he's just popped out

where do you know I don't think I asked

him hang on

Felix Felix do you know where Tim said

he was

working no ST no sorry Colin can I give

you a message no

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

oh hello I didn't know you worked

here right no well um the thing is I

heard you knock on my door this morning

only I couldn't warn you because I

didn't get the chance yeah no worries

he's going back again on Thursday Colin

that is so shall we say

ear no h busy no I'm not doing it

anymore not why not

that's ridiculous you can earn as much

in an hour with me as you can in a week

here surely he knows you've been seeing

someone he told me he gave me 20 quid to

keep an eye on any comings and goings

when he goes back to Thailand said

nothing to

me you know he has other women does he

of course he does no I didn't know that

I turn a blind eye suits me and what s

for the goose

oh who have thought stacking shelves

could be so

stimulating please don't do that Mrs Bo

is like they can't get

enough you know where I

[Music]

am what's going to happen to the

boys have you thought about that

none of this is going to be

easy I know

that don't leave me what let's start

again let's pretend this hasn't

happened I've had sex with him so what I

can forget that I don't want to be

forgiven

look I'm sorry

I should have dealt with this before and

I didn't it's my fault I I pushed you

into it and I shouldn't have I'm glad

that you did no you're not it's my fault

it's not your fault it's my fault it's

my fault it's my

fault look I'm

sorry we've discussed this Andrew and I

and I am going to go and stay with him

what are you doing here yes good evening

what are you after I've got a little

proposal I'd like to put to you can I

come in

no I've just come back from Manchester

I've had my 12month contract renewed on

Jubilee Terrace 25

episodes is that good good is

everybody's birthday and Christmas come

at once so I've

decided I want more involvement with

Bailey I want to adopt

[Applause]

[Music]

him you join us as Russian Boris penko

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[Music]

[Music]

there is an

honesty behind it

Lance the

meaning behind a touch and unspoken love

delivered with a smile the Jane Austin

season coming soon into

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When We're Young we all have dreams of

speed and

excitement but we grow

up and somehow those dreams never quite

happen and a dream can only become

reality if you chase it and Chase it and

Chase

it Vodaphone make the most of

now guess

what I just made a phone call Jeremy

please do whatever you want it's no

concern of

mine oh this

is I just

spoke to the little bugger

no you

didn't yes I did the little bugger is in

prison the little bugger just got out 3

weeks ago how perole how do you know he

wrote to me at

school I don't know how he knew I was

there but um he was

contrite sincere all the same I ignored

it but then just now I thought no no I

shouldn't IGN ignore it he is after all

our little bugger he is not our little

bugger we disowned him he's

coming what yeah

no tell me that you didn't give him the

address are you

mad you're going to adopt Bailey yeah so

why because I don't want him living

there with her anymore being dragged up

by the Scruff of his neck I want him to

have a proper start in life so I'm going

to buy a house small house not a million

miles away from here I hope but uh the

point is I noticed you've got the for

sale sign up so I thought you were

supposed to be getting sacked well I was

nobody was more surprised than I was I

don't know what happened except so

that's it you were adopting Bailey and

that's it well that really would be the

nail in the coffin the final thing

as

regards so you are getting your life

back on track and I me the injured party

I'm being left to go quietly mad all by

myself I thought that's what you wanted

what I wanted me out of the way no Tony

what I wanted was for us to grow old

together Grace well gracefully is that's

what I wanted right okay but given that

that's not going to happen is it no no

it isn't

right so right well I'm not selling the

house then you can sod off oh thank

God

Helen we can make this work we can be

happy together this isn't about you

you're still on your way out pal I'll

deal with you ah now yes Tim did tell me

about this imaginary friend of yours oh

did he did he really and did he say it

was you sending me bloody mad in the

first place did he hen oh get stuffed I

don't need your sympathy or

yours right well you can adopt your

child do what you want I'm staying put

right in this house and I'm going to

take you to the cleaners with your

massive contract so hang on just if I

didn't adopt Bailey could

you

consider let's get him back

together oh no

how could I after what you've

done go

[Music]

away I wish you knew how sorry I

was [ __ ]

[Music]

off you're not here

[Music]

I think we should sell a house I don't

want to go back there not after

everything that's

happened well you could rent a house

find somewhere nice till we get

sorted you know I'm about go to prison I

won't let that happen I've already told

her it was an accident did you apart

from the petrol and everything

Where Have You

Been John you're going to think I'm

weird come on I don't remember

everything

but I think I've been abducted by

[Music]

aliens why don't we open a nice bottle

or something

in

no I'll calm you down Soo your nerves

that's half the

trouble I've drunk so much booze over

the years my brain probably doesn't work

properly anymore every time I'm home

from work it's glug glug

glug well I'm sure as hell paying the

price for it now you're not going to

start blubbering you oh go to hell well

you know if I could I might how could he

do that he has an affair with she was 16

when it first started can you imagine he

has an affair with a 16-year-old school

girl who I idiot that I am bring here

out of the goodness of my heart to get

her through her

GCSE

why why is this happening to me what did

I ever do wrong eh do know I need help I

need proper medical

help where you going I'm going to get

myself some right now and then you are

going to disappear

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[Music]

Jo me do you know how humiliated I felt

last night h i I did try to explain

yesterday I'm just in a funny place at

the moment you're a slob Helen you are

nonetheless a

slob with fantastic

tits is Harriet in yeah Harriet

she's upstairs sulking silly uptight

stuck up anly retentive Madam why she

sulking because I've been in touch with

the little bugger what little

bugger we have a son you do you really

he was put into a young offender's

institution 5 years ago at the age of 15

for trying to murder Harriet and now

they've just let him out I'm just

talking what I

[Music]

overlooking what you may or may not have

been up to with my son last night I was

hoping that you might be able to help me

I need pills I need something I I think

I'm seriously having a nervous breakdown

yes yes so am

I somebody has been having it off with

my wife have you been having it off with

my little TP not only have you been at

it with Wendy wow but you've also been

at it with this other bloke's misses as

well I'm going to cut his dick off and

shove it up his ass not to mention that

business with Harriet and deppy I can go

for weeks without having an orgasm it's

not fair Helen do you think that if you

took a bit more time over it it might H

it supposed today you know fancy sh do

you I want to learn how to be a total

[ __ ] waste of space and I thought who

better to ask why is nobody thinking

about this from my point of view

you're having second thoughts Now's the

Time to say so because once youve tied

the knot it's a whole new level of

Anguish and bitterness and horror

believe me she lied about the

[Applause]

aliens well more bonker's Behavior just

with added sunshine you don't want to

mess with the Oracle when it comes to

Pub quizzes trouble in benador me here

on itv1 while over on itv3 controversial

Memoirs cause problems in the inspector

Alan Mysteries

oh

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