All language subtitles for Daddy Issues.s01e04.Garden Sliders

This programme contains
strong language.

Hiya. Hey.

Oh, we're not a couple, by the way.

I am single and open to offers.

CHUCKLES

Maybe here's not the best place to
be soliciting for male attention.

Hello! Hello, hello, hello.

My name's Twinky and I'll be leading
the classes for mummies-to-be

and, er...and very good pals.

So, firstly, can I ask you all,

what is this?

The most beautiful thing
in the world.

So, yeah, if you'd like to
download my hypno birthing album,

it's, er, 17 tracks of me
whispering affirmations.

It's only £15.99 on iTunes.

It's good.

Naughty Twinky! I'm not
supposed to tell you that.

So don't inform the bosses.

TWINKY LAUGHS

Did we have any questions?

Yeah, I just wanted to
ask about pain relief.

Why?

Because giving birth
is really painful.

Which naughty scamps told you that?

Dorothy Downer been telling
a few fibs, has she?

Sorry, are you trying to tell us
that giving birth isn't painful?

Because that isn't what
any of the baby books say.

Don't like books.

Actually, the most beautiful,
natural feeling in the world

is the exquisite pain of childbirth.

So, let's not listen to any
pessimistic little girlies.

That one's for you!

What if I tear?

Well, that's what Mummy Nature
has demanded of your body,

and your body has answered her call.

Next.

What if I die?

Some people think that
dying in childbirth

is actually better than
medical intervention.

Although that's not something
I can publicly endorse.

Again.

Oh, yeah. What now?

Twinky,
how many babies have you had?

Yeah, erm...

I am mummy to three...

..very feisty French bulldogs.

They didn't travel
down your cervix though?

Oh, mate, she knows
nothing about having a baby.

Those doggies suckled on my teats
for two months, actually.

So, take your bad attitude,
you're barred. Get out.

GROANS SOFTLY

I only wanted to know
about pain relief.

Did Mum have any drugs?

Oh, I can't remember.

She was definitely angry.
But then your mum was always angry.

Giving birth or being annoyed at me
putting up some wonky wallpaper,

it all just blends
into one long shout.

Dad, why are you measuring my walls?

Oh! It's a surprise.

I'm not sure I want a surprise
that involves a drill.

Oh, all right, I was just, erm...

I was just trying to
be useful, you know.

No, I know. Sorry.

I just get worried about

how a baby's going to
fit in to all of this.

Hey.

They're only little.

You know, in Finland, they
give you a box to put them in

for the first couple of months.

Derek was telling me about it.

Hey?

Now, we can fit a box
in here, can't we?

DRILLING

DRILL HITS OBSTACLE

Oh, bollocks!

So, your solicitor called me.

You're not pleading guilty, then?

Course I'm not.

You are guilty.

I have a very strong case.

What case?

Sex game gone wrong.

You paid someone to push
your fiance down the stairs.

I did...

..but it was part of
a sex game gone wrong.

How is that a sex game gone wrong?

Oh, I don't want to have
to spell it out for you, Gemma.

Well, you're going to have
to spell it out to a jury.

I knew you would kink-shame me.

You are so vanilla, Gemma.

No, it's not vanilla
to not pay for someone

to be pushed off a fire escape
as part of a sex game.

Yeah. Vanilla!

You and Dad will still be there,
though, right? At the trial?

It's two weeks after my due date.

Gemma!

I'm going to try, I promise.

But I'm not sure
I can even bring a two-week-old.

Isn't it contempt
of court or something?

Can't Auntie Jess look
after it or summat? Nope.

Her and Dad haven't
spoken for years.

What about the father?

You remember
I went on holiday to Portugal?

It happened on the flight back.
That's where I got pregnant.

On the plane? Mm-hm.

In the toilet.
With a total stranger.

Not so vanilla now, eh?

Oh, super vanilla.

You come back to me when
you've done it in the cargo hold

next to a crate containing
two drugged-up German Shepherds.

All right?

That didn't happen.

WHISPERS: It did.

Yeah, I think the whole
Becoming Mummies business model

is based on none
of us having a clue.

Which is why I called Jess earlier.

Jess?

Your sister.

Who else would I be talking about?

I don't know. Erm...
Jessica Fletcher?

Dead, fictional Jessica Fletcher?

No, not her.

Auntie Jess. Her and Tyrone

have invited us over
for dinner this weekend.

I'd, erm... I'd rather not, thanks.

Come on.

See the new house.
She says they've just got a hot tub.

Yeah? Well, I'm not...not
a hot tubby type of person, am I?

Please, Dad.

Be really helpful for me
to talk to Jess about all this.

She's been through it, you know,
having a baby on her own.

Well, I'm sorry, I'm double-booked.

You're not even single-booked.

Tyrone's not that bad.

Well, not to you, but
he hates me, doesn't he?

I think it's cos he used
to suck cocks for crack.

Why would that be the reason
he hates you?

I don't know. You know,
maybe I remind him of a punter

who ran off without paying.

Dad, you can't not see your sister
because her boyfriend bullies you.

I know he bangs on a lot
about the cocks and the crack,

but he has a skip hire business now.

You know, maybe he's mellowed.

You can't avoid him forever.

Well, I've avoided him
for three years.

Just need to carry on
for a bit longer

until one of us dies, don't I?

I don't want that now.

Hold your breath, Gemma.

I'm just fixing Winnie's do.

The advice isn't to
hold your breath around chemicals,

it's to avoid them altogether.

What's that, Rita, love?

Oh, apparently hairspray makes
boy baby bits go all small.

It's PC gone mad.

Hairspray can cause genital
growth defects in baby boys.

I'm not making it up.

Big Pharma told her.

Is it a boy then, Gemma?

I don't know.
I want it to be a surprise.

Oh, like a Kinder egg? Yeah.

I mean, if I give birth
to a small plastic camel

that comes in three parts,
that would be surprising.

Do you want kids, Rita?

Me? No.

Love my fanny too much.
I mean, I'm still as tight as

the lid on a jar of
out-of-date Marmite down there.

You can pass that information on to
your father, when you see him later.

I can't think of any information
I'd want to pass on less.

A little boy with normal-sized bits.

Do you find it weird to think that

maybe you've got a little winky
growing inside of you, Gemma?

I do now. Thanks.

Hiya. Lunch?

Thank God you're here!

Ladies.

He's lovely.

Brings her lunch every week
and they're not even doing it.

I heard that.

Oop! Ahem...

I don't know why I thought
they'd offer up wisdom.

Rita spent most of yesterday

talking about Ronnie O'Sullivan
and puppy farming.

Well, er, talking about
strange combinations...

..tuna and lemon curd
sandwich as requested.

Oh...

You were joking about craving tuna
and lemon curd, weren't you?

I'm so sorry! I didn't think
you'd actually make it.

I didn't, don't worry.

I got this from the, er...
the Boots meal deal.

Do you want the cheese instead?

Thank you.

Pregnancy is so weird.

It is really weird.

Does the baby kick much?

Mainly when I'm excited.

Can I? Or is that inappropriate?

Doesn't really feel
like kicking anyway.

More like someone's put
a bag of eels in my uterus.

Did you feel that?

Yeah!

She letting you have a touch?

Won't let me near it.

"I want to have a feel, Gemma!"
I keep saying to her.

You've got incredibly
cold hands, Rita. Yes.

And I am very proud of them.

Should, woulda, coulda
been a pastry chef.

If I wasn't allergic to pastry.

Ten centimetres?

You know, I reckon
I could get my head through that.

You think you can fit your head
through your daughter's cervix?

Well, now you put it like that,
I think...

You said you'd be helpful.

Sometimes baby does
get stuck in the birth canal

and needs a little bit
of help to get out.

Does anyone know what we would use
in that situation?

Oh, me! Yeah?

Butter.

Nobody uses butter
to get babies out.

For fuck's sake.

That's actually
a very good suggestion.

Anything natural,

over those nasty instruments.

Sorry, so butter is
better than forceps? Yep.

So, after baby's born, Mummy
will need to birth the placenta.

Oh, we didn't have that,
when you were little.

The placenta?

Yeah, yeah, your mum didn't have
that. That's a modern thing, that.

Yeah, it's... It's woke, isn't it?

So, you can have a hormone
injection to speed things up.

What's better? Having it or not?

Well, having the injection cuts
the chances of Mummy haemorrhaging.

But it's not as beneficial to baby.

Oh, well, you're not having that.

She's not having that.

If it's better for the baby,
then you're not having that.

Now, don't forget that you can buy

my organic mummy
and baby supplements.

Just £19.99 a bottle, so...

Just grab those on your way out.

LAUGHS INCREDULOUSLY

Oh, we do find that natural mummies
like these, so probably not for you.

You want to be helpful?

Come with me to see Auntie Jess.

Whoa! I wonder how many
cocks you'd have to suck

to get a house this big.

Reckon Tyrone lives there?

I really don't want
to do this, Gemma.

I'm not going to let anything
bad happen to you.

Oh! Hiya! You've found us.

Malc. Gemma.

Oh, it's not a fucking skip!

Fuck's sake. It is a skip.

No, it's an advert for
Tyrone's skip hire company

but the neighbours
think it's a skip.

Because it's a skip.
It's not a SKIP!

Oh, it's lovely to see you both.

Shall we?

Oh...

CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY

You look well, Jess. Yeah.

Tyrone pays for me to get a
colonic once a month, so...

Ooh, trifle! Thank you.

OK. Come on then.

You can do this.

Now we're in the new house,

Tyrone has a very good
footwear system in place.

"Footwear system"?

Shoes off. You can pop some slippers
on before leaving the air lock.

Then when we head outside,

there'll be garden sliders for
everyone by the patio doors.

Ooh!

Oh, eh! Nice new house, Jess.

Are you going to give us a tour?
Yeah...

Actually, I don't want
either of you going upstairs.

But Jess can videocall you from the
landing, show you round that way?

OK. It's fine, thanks.

How's the warehouse then, Malcy?

Been promoted to tea boy yet?

I wish!

I'm sorry again about Davina.

Do you need a wee, love? Yeah.
OK, go to the loo.

Don't you dare
piss on those slippers!

By the way, Gemma,
congratulations, love!

Aw. Thank you.

It's just a little something
from me and Tyrone.

Aww! Yeah.

Ooh...

Cabbage leaves?

Yeah, it was Tyrone's idea.

You stick 'em in your bra
when your boobs get sore.

I mean, they'll be rotten
by the time the baby comes,

but it's the thought
that counts, isn't it?

Yeah. You know, I have heard some
breast-feeding horror stories.

Oh, yeah. I could only
face it for 24 hours.

I've got that Sad Nipple Syndrome.

What? Sad Nipple Syndrome.

It's where if anything or
anyone touches my nipples,

I'm just overwhelmed with
a sense of melancholy.

She telling you about her
unhappy fun bags? Yeah.

That's not a real thing.
Oh, it is a real thing.

Yeah. Sad Nipple Syndrome's
a real thing.

I can't go anywhere near them

without Jess feeling
existential malaise.

Ain't that right, baby? Yeah.

Her arse, though...

SLAPS JESS

Oh!

THEY LAUGH

Cheeky. Yeah.

I built that skip hire business
from the ground up with hard graft.

Zero cocks, zero crack.

Amazing. No cocks whatsoever?

I've got the car,
I've got the house.

All that was left was the hot tub.

Lamb casserole, Malcolm.

LAUGHS TIMIDLY

My favourite.

Davina could never eat lamb.

You know, cos she liked
that film Bambi so much.

Oh, yeah.

Dad, Bambi was a deer, not a lamb.

Oh, she must have got those
mixed up then, sorry.

Yet Davina couldn't keep away from
the kebab table at your ma's 70th.

Maybe she loved lamb, but you just
couldn't provide her with any.

She doesn't like it, Dad.

How many weeks are you, Gemma? 28.

Third trimester! Exciting. Yeah.

I was hoping you had
some advice, actually.

Never eat yellow snow.

Is that the only thing
you won't put in your mouth?

I mean about being a single mum.

Oh, we don't discuss things
like that at the dinner table.

Things like what?

Jess's past.
Ty, I'll be quick.

Why don't you boys
get some more drinks, eh?

Go on.

Come on.

He doesn't like to think
about stuff like that.

My bits are very special to him.

Yeah.

Do you wish you'd
waited to have Mia?

There's never an ideal
time to have a baby.

You can be in the
perfect relationship,

with the perfect
bank balance and then,

in the blink of an eye,
life can fuck it all up.

A friend of mine was
married, great job,

had a baby with the love
of her life but then he...

Cheated?

..got eaten by a shark in Thailand.

You see that?

That air fryer cost me a grand.

Never used it.

Never needed to.
No idea what it does.

And I wasn't alone.

Your dad would always come over if I
needed anything fixing or painting.

He'd bring you and Catherine, and
babysit Mia if I wanted a night out.

God, I don't remember any of that.

Look, I know he can be
a real wally sometimes, but...

..he's going to love that baby
more than anything in the world.

And then, later on,
if you find someone to pay for

a little nip and tuck downstairs,
then even better.

Oh, here he is.

When do people get in the hot tub,
then? Is it after dessert,

or are you saving it
for your sex parties?

They'll be no-one
getting in my hot tub.

Even I'm not allowed in the hot tub.

Thank God, eh, Malcolm? Malcy
here's scared of hot tubs, in't he?

Are you?

I don't know.

He is. He definitely is.

Erm, well, you know, they're not my
favourite thing anyway, so, yeah.

You two are just here to
look at it and admire it.

There'll be no grubby people
getting in my hot tub.

Isn't there chlorine in it?

Yeah, I can afford
chlorine, Gemma! Jesus.

I just don't want people,
other than me, in it.

You wouldn't get in a bath with me,
would you?

Absolutely not.

No. No, I wouldn't, no.

I'd like to thank everyone
for coming here today,

to celebrate me and Jess hitting
a milestone in our relationship.

Ten years ago,
when I first met Jess,

I was on my knees
sucking cocks for crack.

I was good at it.

I sucked a lot of cocks,
but I also got a lot of crack.

I didn't realise, at the time,
that I'd hit rock bottom.

I quite enjoyed it, actually.

But then Jess gave me an ultimatum,

that night in Pizza Express.

She said stop sucking cocks
for crack, or lose her.

So, I stopped.

And now here I am, a decade later

with the most successful skip hire
business in the North West.

So, I'd like to raise a glass.

To the hot tub.

Ah, OK.

Hot tub.

You know, you and that
baby are totally fucked

if you think
he's going to be of any use.

Dad's been a lot more helpful
than you'd expect, actually.

You all know it. Jess knows it.

Useless brother, useless husband,
useless dad.

And he'll be a useless grandad
to that little baby.

And he's scared of hot tubs.

It's the only reason I bought one,

to see the fear in Malcolm's eyes.

I'm not.

I've remembered now and I'm not.

Yeah, I didn't think he was.

Yeah, you are. Otherwise,
what's this fucking tea all about?

Right, I'll show you!

What's he doing?
What's your dad doing?

I honestly have no idea.

Malcolm! Sliders off
before you go in the house, Malcolm!

Malcolm! Dad, what are you doing?

Right. I'll show you.
No, no... No!

I'm going to show you.

What are you... Oi! Oh, my God!

No! Weyyyy, ha-ha!

Right, I'm going to sit in here

and eat my lovely trifle
by my lovely daughter.

And I'm going to let this
water float away all my cares.

Malcolm, get out of that hot tub.

No! Oh, eh...

JESS AND GEMMA LAUGH
Whoa! No!

That's going to fuck the filter.

Get out, Malcolm!
Hey, this is good, love.

Jess, he's made it all mucky. He's
made it all mucky. I know, baby.

Oh, fantastic party, Tyrone.

Look at that.

Bloody lovely.

Is your partner late again?

No, I'm doing it alone, actually.

SADLY: Oh...

Hello, everyone, I'm Dr Rush.

I've been asked to take over
this Becoming Mummies course

because Twinky has been arrested.

Let's get some questions
and we can see where the gaps are.

Is it possible to legally
force the midwife

to follow my birth plan
to the letter?

And can we sue them if they don't?

Planning a birth
is like planning a car crash.

We all know what we'd like to
happen, steer into the skid,

but sometimes you just have to
take your hands off the wheel.

That's a no, then, is it?

A birth plan is what you hope for.

Not what's actually going to happen.

That's not what Twinky said.

Well, Twinky was a bell-end.

You have no control
over any of this,

beyond your own attitude.

That's what makes this
all so terrifying.

But empowering, too.

Can I ask my partner to
try and avoid pain relief?

I mean, she should ignore you.

But, yeah, you can ask her.

Why don't you try slamming
his balls into a car door?

And if he can get through
that without pain relief,

then have the conversation.

Hey. I have something to show you.

MALCOLM LAUGHS

OK.

GEMMA GASPS

Ta-dah!

Dad...

Oh, Dad! Yeah? Eh?

Not so useless now, am I?

No. Amazing drill work.

Yeah, well,
I know my way around a joist.

I don't even know what a joist is.

I'm so glad you like it.

I'll put dinner on.

Shit! What was that?

Nothing, nothing.

Shite!