All language subtitles for CONTINUE.2022

Who's this?

- Can you hear me?

- Answer your fucking phone!

- She has a
pulse, but its faint.

- No!

You're all right, stay with me.

Look at me.

Hey, please.

- Are you watching?

- Please.

Keep your eyes open.

- This is that moment.

- Please stay alive.

- Where it all ends

- Please stay alive.

No, don't go.

- Because of what I did.

- Please.

- One, two, three.

And again, one, two.

- Hi, Ms. Rose.

Can I call you Dean?

- Yeah.

- My name is Dr. Teixeira.

You can call me Janet.

I'm assigned-
- I know who you are.

- Okay.

So you know what I'm here to do?

How are you feeling today?

Well, I reviewed the
toxicology report.

You had extremely high
levels of benzodiazepine

and sertraline in your system.

You had blood alcohol
concentration of 0.25.

Cocaine.

Your arms took 42 stitches
to close the wounds.

You are really
lucky to be alive.

Help me to understand

why you would attempt
to take your own life.

- I wasn't...

I wasn't trying to kill myself.

- So just a regular
Tuesday night?

I've been informed by Jackson

that this wasn't
your first attempt.

There have been others.

- That's...

It's not true.

It's a lie.

- We saw the scars on
your arms and legs.

- Don't get me 5150.

This will follow me for
the rest of my life.

- Then explain to
me what happened.

- I'm not a threat to
myself or anyone else.

I've never hurt anybody.

I just...

I just wanna go home
and I wanna sleep.

Wanna sleep.

It was a mistake.

- How do you expect
me to believe that?

Anyone who cuts
their arms that deep

is a threat to themselves.

- Yeah.

You've already
made your decision.

So, can you get the
fuck outta my room?

- Listen, give me one!

Give me one.
- Michael.

- Michael.
- Stand down!

You watch my wife!

- This is gonna calm
you down, Michael.

Michael, good.

- Everybody
thinks I'm crazy.

Just be happy.

Happiness is a choice.

Fucking right, I
chose to be this way.

- I t's like a
virus taking over my brain.

I just want it to stop,
but you're keeping me here.

And where's the fucking cure?

- Well, unfortunately
there is no official cure,

but we do have tools
that can help us,

coping skills, talking
about our feelings.

Help us feel better.

I think you need to share.

Your continual refusal to eat

is only making things
more difficult, Dean.

So again, please,

stand and come with
us to the cafeteria.

- No, no, no, no.

No, no, no!

Get off of me!

No!

- I need you to get
immediately.

- Get off, get off of me!

- You're okay.

- I've
been on medication.

- Magic.

- You should eat.

It's easier.

And you should probably
stop taking them pills

they're giving you.

You're actually gonna go insane.

You know, they get paid for
every drug they prescribe us.

Antipsychotics, barbiturates,
opioids, whatever it is,

they're getting paid.

That's why there's literally
a pill for everything.

I mean, look around the room.

Just at the numbers, you know?

Let's say they get
$15 a day per person.

Multiply that by what, 50 people
in the hospital right now.

Many of us here for
30 days or longer.

That's $22,500 on
medication alone.

Not to mention fucking
room, board, therapy,

medical procedures.

What do you think the
force feeding runs ya?

10K at least.

And the second we're released,

we're just replaced
with someone else.

And the worst of it,

most of these patients
come here looking for help

and instead they're locked
up, stuffed full of pills,

and charged for therapy.

Can only imagine the addictions
that follow this place.

A fucking epidemic.

It's a fucking joke.

Have you seen the
commercials for these things?

Feel happy, be better.

Love your children again.

May cause anal
seepage, a limp dick,

accidentally growing dick
and flesh eating disease.

It's ridiculous.

It's goddamn ridiculous.

- So what exactly
is the point then?

- There isn't one.

- That makes me
feel better, thanks.

- Good, I'm glad.

Anytime.

I'm a ray of sunshine, always.

I'm Bria.

- Dean.

- You a cutter?

- Not a fucking cutter.

- So the wraps are a
fashion accessory then?

- I cut this time.

That does not make me a...

It doesn't make me a cutter.

- Okay, what are you then?

- Depressed.

So they tell me.

How about you?

- A junkie, or so they tell me.

- Drug of choice?

- Anything that gets me high.

I love me some H.

- Yeah, I was always more
of an upper person myself.

Down enough genetically, I
don't really need the help.

So, how exactly does being
a junkie land you here?

- Well, when you take enough
heroin to kill a horse,

they believe there might be
something else behind it.

Also, having enough
in my possession

to get a small village high
didn't really help my case.

- Was there something
else behind it?

I tried to kill myself.

- It's traumatic.

- So they tell me.

- And now?

- Stay tuned.

- How have you
been doing in here?

- Cute kid.

- Either you can talk and
eventually get out of here

or we can sit in
silence every session.

But if you don't mind,

I'll get some
administrative work done

while I have the quiet.

Your sister's coming
tomorrow to see the judge.

Wanted to let you know.

- You're okay.

- I'm leaving.

I already spoke to
the judge today.

There's nothing I can do
about the 5150 on your record,

but I'll do what I can.

- I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking.

- Oh, no, no, you were thinking.

You were just only
thinking about yourself.

I begged you to
come live with me.

You pulled away.

What was I supposed to do?

I can't do this.

You wanna kill yourself?

I'm not gonna
stand by and watch.

- You don't know what it's like.

- I've been on
Prozac for 11 years.

I've been dealing
with this all my life.

It's genetic, Dean.

I know exactly how it
feels to be depressed,

to feel unimportant,
to be left behind.

I was there too.

I love you.

I hope you stick
around, I really do.

- You know you can't be
in other patient's rooms.

Let's go.

- Come on, she's
having a rough go.

- You know the rules.

Get outta the room, Bria.

- Thank you.

- Thank you.

- Fresh meat.

- Yeah.

- First time?

- No, she has definitely
been in before.

- Cutter?

Daddy?

- Oh, yeah.

No, I'm gonna say boyfriend.

- Boyfriend.

- Mm-hm.

- That sounds about right.

- Can I get a cigarette?

- So I need a couple more
minutes for specifics,

but I am going to...

I'm gonna say
major daddy issues.

Sexually curious, but
only to piss daddy off.

Ethnic, so I'm
just on my thought.

Fuck, I'm crazy.

Probably a chip on your
shoulder for the people.

All in all, it's men.

Men are your problem and they
drive you fucking bunkers.

- Yeah.

I mean, it's slightly racist,

but yeah, I guess
that about sums me up.

- Cha-ching.

- I don't give a fuck
about my people though.

I'm a mutt.

They're all fucked.

It's not men.

- Oh, goddamn it,
that was my instinct.

It was, and I should
have gone with it.

I should have gone with my gut.

Go with your gut.

- Yeah, I sorry
to disappoint you,

but women are my problem.

So I'll give you that.

What are you writing?

- Nothing.

- Can I see?

- Shit, it's...

- It's okay.

This is what I'm doing.

Can I just read it?

Please?

Are these lyrics?

- Not very good ones.

- Will you sing these to me?

- Fuck you.

- Come on.
- No.

- Are you like a pussy?

- Yeah, sure.

- I mean, you're laying
in a mental institution

involuntarily locked up
next to a crazy lesbian

that tried to fuck up
her girlfriend's lover.

I mean, it doesn't get
much lower than this.

- Well, well, well.

Like a lesbo in a candy shop.

How the fuck did
you luck out here?

- What do you think I am, the
beacon of truth and honesty?

- I don't wanna be a
cliterference, bro.

- These are really good.

Thanks, I just
wanted to see them.

You know, the minute you
stop doing what you love,

you're fucked.

- I just couldn't
take the rejection.

- Yeah, but you don't have
to sing for anyone else.

I work in this
Italian restaurant.

It's like tiny.

And the mom and Bob, they
hang my artwork on the walls

with little price tags

as if someone's
actually gonna buy it.

They think that it's special.

And so I paint.

It's all the motivation I need.

You don't have to
be a famous singer.

If you love to sing,
you gotta sing.

[overlapping
chattering continues]

- Open.

- Not fucking close.

- Code blue!

Do we have a pulse?

There's no pulse!

Can we untie the sheet?

Come on.

Someone get something
to cut the sheet!

Somebody get something we
can cut the sheet with!

- Oh god, fucking .

- Breathe.

- Who the
fuck let him have it

and why was he
alone in his room?

- There you go, breathe.

- Go on, Taryn, get
back to your room.

What is going on in here?

- I brought her in here.

I didn't think it was
good for her to see that.

- Yeah.

- Just keep breathing.

Just keep breathing.

- Did you know Carter?

- Janet, I'm ready to
get the fuck outta here.

- What would be your plan
if you were released?

- I have to find out
where all my shit is.

And a place.

My sister's making me take
control of my trust again.

It's just so she doesn't
have to talk to me.

- Give her time.

People can take these
things very personally.

She believes you're
ready to get out.

- That's surprising.

- What do you think?

- I agree.

- Why do you think I
should release you?

- I don't know, because
you can keep me in here

as long as you want to.

But it's something
that I really wanna do.

I'm gonna figure out a way.

You can't protect me.

Look at Carter.

I have some shit that
I have to work through,

but I don't wanna see
stuff like this anymore.

I can pretend that it
didn't fuck with me

seeing him that way, but it did.

I don't want nurses
always watching me.

You know, I don't belong here.

I'm not crazy.

Just sad.

- What happens the next time?

- I don't wanna die.

I just don't want the
life I have sometimes.

It's hard carrying that much
baggage around all the time,

but I wanna learn.

And I think that's
the first step.

- I'll start the wheels of
motion for your release.

- Thank you.

- Don't make me regret this.

- You scared the shit outta me.

- I'm gonna miss you.

- Gonna miss you.

- You have no idea
how amazing it feels

to have someone like
you in my life again.

Because I haven't had it for
a really, really long time.

- Me either.

- And it's terrifying.

I can't lose you too.

- I'm not going anywhere.

- My parents...

They were all I had.

And then one day,
they were just gone.

And nobody cared if
I was alive or dead.

And shitty people get
to live every day.

But my parents are gone

because some girl had to
answer a text message.

And I wondered every
day what it said,

what words and in what order

took a priority in the universe.

What was that important?

Because it ruined my life.

- They loved you.

They didn't wanna leave you.

Must be amazing knowing

that they would still be
here with you if they could.

You are so incredibly loved.

- Hey,
this is Bennett.

Please leave a message.

I will get back to you.

- Hi!

- Bitch,
where have you been?

I've been calling you.

- I miss you.

Yeah.

No, no, no, I just woke up.

I'm sorry.

- Are you sure?

- Oh, what's been happening?

- Wait for
like two seconds

.

- Crazy bitch.

- No, I'm serious.

- Oh my god!

Hey, Bennett's
finally calling me.

Can I call you right back?

- You better
call me the fuck back.

- No, I promise I'll
call you right back.

- Hoe, call me back!

I love you, bye.

- Bye!

- Hey.

I already got you started in
the corner with some guys.

They're a little bit douchey,
so put on a brave face.

- Fucking great.

[overlapping
chattering continues]

Hey guys, can I get
you something to drink?

- Look at you.

You're fucking gorgeous.

Sam, look at these lips.

Have you ever seen
lips this beautiful?

I'm Ray and I'd
love a jack and coke

and to see you on
those pretty knees

by the end of the night.

- So funny.

- Calm down, sit down!

- You okay?

- Yeah.
- You're fine.

You're not dead.

- Okay.
- Dean, come with me.

- If it makes you feel any
better, guy totally deserved it.

Lose your job?

Sorry.

Trenton.

- Dean.

So where'd she go?

- It wasn't really working out.

- Is that before or
after you punched a guy

for another girl?

- I figured this way, we'd
both go down for assault.

Then I'd definitely
get to see you again.

You wanna go get drunk?

- How long have you been here?

- About three years now.ú

- Mm.
- Cheers.

- Cheers.

Okay, what brought you here?

- I came from music.

I had to get the
fuck out of that.

- Yeah, is that 'cause
Brooklyn was so bad.

- Just lost some of its pizazz.

Yeah, where are you from?

- Nashville.

- I've always
wanted to go there.

- That's funny, I've
always wanted to leave.

- Mm.

Care to elaborate?

- Too many shitty memories.

- Yeah,
see, lost its pizazz.

- Mm.

- Yeah, every street corner
reminded me of something I lost.

- And what'd you lose?

- Everything.

Dad, my grandparents.

- Look at that.

- Yeah.

- So, any other family?

- None that I speak to, no.

You?

- I have a sister.

She lives in San Francisco,
but we don't talk much.

- That's bizarre.

Family that I don't speak to

lives right outside the city.

Walnut Creek.

- Intriguing.

- I'd say.

- So, music, hmm?

- Music.

- Producing what?

- Yeah, a little
bit of everything.

Right now, I do music
for the motion pictures.

- Is it your own music?

- Not really.

I'm more of a music supervisor,
so I get to take any bands

or songs that nobody's ever
heard of and give 'em exposure.

Kinda my way of making other
people's dreams come true.

I'm paying it forward.

- And why don't you
use your own music?

- Because it's not ready yet.

But I will one day.

What's your thing, Nashville?

What's your deal?

What's your thing?

- I don't have a thing.

- Really, nothing?

- I like music.

I used to sing a little bit.

I used to do a lot of things.

- Well, that's perfect
'cause I'll play you my stuff

when you play me yours.

- That's never going to happen.

- Yeah,
we'll see about that.

- Don't you hold your breath.

- Okay.

- Dream place to go?

- Italy.

- Birthday?

- October 28th.

- Shut the fuck up.

- What?
- Wait, 10/28?

- Yeah, that would
be October 28th.

- That would be.

Creepy, I have a huge
connection to that number.

- What's the connection?

- It's the name of this song

that I've always
wanted to finish.

- I don't get it, the
song's name is 10/28?

- Well, it's never officially
been named, you know,

that must have been the
date that I created it.

But I never finished
it, so yeah,

it's still 10/28 in my computer.

- What's it about?

- I don't really know.

I saw this girl in this coffee
shop and she just looked sad.

She was so stunning.

But when I was
watching her, you know,

people would go up and talk
to her and she'd smile.

As soon as they walked
away, she'd just drop it.

It was painful, forced.

And she just looked so sad.

And then I heard this beat in
my head and a couple phrases

and I went home and
I created it for her.

But just never found
inspiration to finish it.

- Maybe that's all it
was ever supposed to be.

- Maybe, but there's
only like eight lyrics.

- Maybe that's enough.

- Maybe.

- Can we go listen to it?

- Like right now?
- Yeah, like now.

I wanna hear it.

♪ I'll be fine ♪

♪ It'll be fine ♪

♪ Please don't worry about me ♪

♪ I'm fine ♪

♪ Yeah, I'll be fine ♪

♪ I wish you cared ♪

♪ I'm fine ♪

♪ Yeah, I'll be fine ♪

♪ Don't worry about me ♪

♪ I'm fine ♪

♪ Yeah, I'll be fine ♪

♪ I wish you cared ♪

- It's perfect.

It is just like that.

You can't change anything
about it, not even the name.

- Yeah?

- Promise?

- Yeah, I promise.

- It's really fucking good.

- Thank you.

- Is this your grandma?

- Yeah.

Yeah, that's my babushka.

She was basically my mom.

She raised me.

- What happened
with your parents?

I know that you said
that your dad passed.

- Yeah, yeah.

My old man, he's gone.

My mom, she's [Trenton
whistles] around.

- Walnut Creek.

- Yeah, yeah.

- Noted.

- But my baba, she
was everything to me.

I mean, she was my friend, my
parent, my mentor, my teacher.

She was more like a tutor
and did my homework for me.

- She was beautiful.

I can see how much
she loves you.

- She was amazing.

♪ I wanna get feeling ♪

♪ When I'm feeling, don't
care about nothing babe ♪

♪ I wanna get ♪

- Wait, wait.

Wait a second, wait.

I just don't know that we
should go all the way right now,

if we should do that.

- Go all the way?
- Yeah.

- Is this middle school?

- No, no, just I really like you

and I don't want to fuck
it up by going all the way.

I just think that...

I think maybe we should
just, you know...

- Hold hands, go steady?

- Yeah, talk and I could, sure.

I could hold you or we could
just make out or whatever.

I just don't wanna
fuck it up, you know?

- Yeah.

- Is that okay?

It's not that I...

- Oh, shut up.

Please don't make
me feel any worse.

What is all of this?

- They're just thoughts,
ideas, some songs.

One's 10/28.

- Well, you can
cross that one off.

- Well, yeah, I
could, but you know,

I might leave it up now
just to remind me of you.

You know, a little memento.

- I can help you with that.

- Yeah, what you got?

Let's see it.

- I am quite the artist.

- Okay.
- If I do say so myself.

- I'm excited.

- We gotta get the hair.

A little heart action.

- So what is that, exactly?

- What?

- I can't...

- It's us.
- Oh, shit.

- That's super insulting.

- Yeah, no, no, I see it.

- Wait, wait, hold on, hold on.

No, no.

It's a little tiny, uh yeah.

- Now I see it.

- Yeah.
- I get it, yeah.

The proportions...

- Seem accurate.

Believe me, I felt down there.

- Yeah, okay.
- Yeah.

Little peepee.

- The small penis.

And we're holding
hands, it's just like...

- Yeah, it's identical.

- Yeah, totally.

Oh, you are an artist.

Thank you for the drawing.

Is that really what you
think my thing looks like?

- Mr. let's just talk
and I have a tiny penis.

- Oh, shit.

- I'm sorry.

I'm really sorry.

I'm sorry.

- No.

- Okay, it's been
really fucking tough.

If you could just cut
me slack this one time.

I'd really fucking
appreciate it.

I really am sorry.

Sorry.

- What happened?

- I lost my job for starters.

- Fuck them.

You've got money,
you don't need work.

- Yeah.

Yeah, you're right.

It's exactly what I need.

Just a lot of free time and
just me and my thoughts.

You know, it's a great
idea, I like that.

- I didn't really think that
one all the way through.

- Yeah, I don't think so.

- Have you talked
to your sister?

- She won't answer.

- I thought she called
you back the other day.

You should write to her.

That way, you know, you get
to say what you wanna say.

- Yeah, I don't really
know what to say.

- Yeah, you fucking do.

- Yeah, I guess I do.

- Stop.

- Oh, fuck.

- I'd never leave
you.

- If you
wanna kill yourself,

I'm not gonna
stand by and watch.

- No, no, no, no, no.

- So what's something
you've always wanted to do?

- Travel, it's a big one for me.

- Where do you want to go?

- Everywhere.

Never been anywhere.

What are you doing?

- Up, let's go.

- What?

- Come on.

- Where are we going?

- Going on an adventure
to everywhere.

Always wondering what's going
on in that head of yours.

- You really wanna know
what I was thinking?

- Yeah, I do.

- It's scary.

I like you as much
as I do right now

because there is a chance
you won't like me back.

- Yeah, well,
I've been in love with you

since the moment I saw you.

- You don't know me.

I'm not easy to be with.

I am moody and mean.

And I have gotten so, so
good at fucking things up.

- Well, you don't
know me either.

I'm a resilient motherfucker.

Hey, let's play a game.

Now, it's called
the honesty game.

And we've gotta tell each
other the most fucked up,

shameful things that we've
ever done in our lives.

You know, shit
that we'd normally

try to hide from each other.

- I'm good actually, I think.

- Oh, come on, hear me out.

It's fun!

Look, look, we just cut
through the bullshit, right?

And if we're still standing
at the end, give this a try.

I mean, like a real fucking try.

- Proceed.

- Merci.

What happened to your parents?

- That's so funny.

I was actually just thinking

that you should
probably go first

'cause it's your fucking game.

- Ooh, touche.

- Why don't you
speak to your mother?

- Oof, good one.

So my parents, they were
married happily for 19 years.

And then when I was 11,
my dad got lung cancer.

He died.

My mom kind of got
lost after that.

She was just sad all the time.

And then she met Dan.

Dan called himself Dan
the motherfucking man.

There wasn't a lot of
things that Dan liked.

He didn't like kids, but
he did like hitting women.

When I started to stand up to
him, that's when they left.

And I moved in with my grandma.

So my mom literally
chose abuse over me.

Now she's trying
to reach out again

and I've got nothing
to say to her,

so I lost both my parents
the day my dad died.

- Sorry.

- It's okay.

- Both my parents are dead.

Mom died of a heroin
overdose when I was five.

I don't know if it was
intentional or not.

My dad did.

But apparently he didn't think
that was useful information

to tell me before he took
his own life 10 years ago.

- Is that what
you were afraid to tell me?

- No, I said I'm just like him.

- So you tried to kill yourself?

- Yep.

- Why?

- I don't know.

I was going through a breakup
with my ex that was messy,

but I had wanted to do it

for a really long
time before that.

- Why do you think
you were so unhappy?

- I used to say it was
because I'm an artist.

I had to stay in these deep
dark places to create my art,

but I don't make art anymore.

So I think that might've
been bullshit too.

Maybe it really does just
come down to my mom and dad.

Finding my dad that
way didn't help.

- You found your dad?

- Shotgun to the head.

I was right upstairs,
so he knew I'd find him.

I was barefoot when
I came running in.

I'll never forget that
feeling under my feet.

- Wow, I'm really sorry, Dean.

- It's funny, it's like once
it's a thought in your head,

it's always there.

Like an alcoholic is
always gonna want a drink.

And a girl with bulimia
is always gonna think

about running off to the
bathroom after a steak dinner.

But with sadness, it just
has its way of creeping in,

even over the smallest things.

Bad day, kill yourself.

Heartbroken, kill yourself.

Parking ticket, kill yourself.

- Fuck.

I have so many parking tickets.

Did they hold you in
the hospital after?

- Yeah.

Life's definitely been
interesting ever since.

I'll give it that,
but to be honest,

I'm still pretty
fucking embarrassed.

Like when you fail,

you have to look the people
on the face that you hurt.

And I don't know what to say.

- I think you just gotta
tell 'em straight up

like you just told me.

It's nothing to be
embarrassed about.

Some people just feel
more deeply than others.

- Did I win?

- Yeah, that one
point from two point.

Yeah, you won the game.

Yeah, congratulations champ.

Yeah.

This is why I wanted that
night to be different.

I'm sure that's what a
lot of guys want from you,

but I want you.

Every single part of you.

♪ We'll cut our teeth ♪

♪ May the day stay sweet ♪

♪ May your steady heart bea t ♪

♪ Be the good in me ♪

♪ The good in me ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

♪ You fed me reason ♪

♪ Just like I taught you to ♪

♪ Brought the wooden cu p ♪

♪ To my mouth ♪

♪ And I drank ♪

- Who are those sexy women?

Who are the sexy women?

- Oh my God, oh my.

Oh, I missed you.

- Miss you.

You love my friend.

- Yeah, I really do.

Yeah.

- And you're aware of where
I was just released from?

- I am.

- Okay.

And they've explained
that Taryn was a resident

of this fine
establishment as well?

- Yes, indeed they have.

- So you understand
that if you hurt her,

we will fucking kill you.

- Oh, shit.

- Fully aware.

- Put your arms around me.

I haven't felt a man in months!

- One, two, three!

- Thank you.

- You're just using
me for my cooking.

I kinda like this.

- Oh, and your money.

Don't forget that.

It's been real nice not
paying for anything.

- Wow.

- You know I love you.

- Nope, don't believe you.

- You don't believe me?

- Nope.

- Okay.

Excuse me, everyone here!

I would like you all to know

how much I love
this beautiful man.

Well endowed, monster in the-

♪ I was broken ♪

- You sure?

♪ No voice, a choice
could be trusted ♪

♪ Hope for me was a lie ♪

♪ Just another reason to cr y ♪

♪ Lost I must confess ♪

♪ Taking up space at best ♪

♪ No guiding light through
the darkness inside ♪

♪ And longing to
lay it to rest ♪

♪ But everything
looks so different ♪

♪ When you step
out of the dark ♪

♪ You showed me rock bottom ♪

♪ Could be a beautiful
place to start ♪

- You're so beautiful.

- Hi.

- Jesus fucking Christ.

- I'm glad you found
God in these dark times.

I was gonna write you back,
but I ended up on a plane.

I go through day after day
with this crippling fear.

I just keep up the status quo

because that's what
I'm supposed to do.

I'm supposed to be
the together one,

but I'm not together.

I want a baby so bad.

It's all I want.

But I have this...

The thought of postpartum.

What if I fuck up?

What if I'm not a good mom?

I am not a good sister.

How the fuck am I
gonna be a good mom?

- That is not true.

- I failed you, Dean.

- That is not true.

When I was laying on
that bathroom floor,

all I could think about was you.

I kept praying if somehow I
made it, I could fix this.

All I felt in those last
moments were regret.

And it was terrifying.

- I can't go through it again.

I'm so scared.

It will kill me if you die.

- I'm not going anywhere.

You know that, I can't even
picture her face anymore.

I try to recall details,

but all I have really are the
things that you've told me.

And now, every time
I picture his face,

it's how I found him that night.

Sometimes it feels like
they didn't even exist.

- I see her every
time I look at you.

You look exactly like her.

I miss them too,
but I miss you more.

- What if I moved?

What if I moved
to San Francisco?

- What
about your life here?

- I would go if
you would let me.

Jackson, stop.

Jackson!

Please stop!

I know what that must
have done to you,

finding me like that.

You are the most
gentle, kind man I know.

And I know that that
must have destroyed you.

I'm sorry.

- I know why you're here.

You want closure and forgiveness

and I can't give that to you.

I can't.

- I know that you have
no reason to believe me,

but I've changed.

I have.

I have friends and family.

I'm moving to be with my sister,

and I'm in a healthy
relationship.

For the first time in my life,

I haven't fucked something up.

I'm better.

I'm doing better.

- How many times did we
go on this rollercoaster?

You would sell me on how
you were getting better,

how you were gonna change
and you would give me hope

that things were
going to be different,

and then you would throw
everything you had at me!

I tried.

I tried even when
you stopped trying.

I tried for you, I did.

So I hope it is different.

I hope it is different because
if it's not, then let him go.

Because after you, I'm
never the same, ever.

- Baby.

- The fuck are you doing here?

- You okay?

What's going on?

Dean?

- What are
you doing here?

- I told you I'd
come over after work.

You okay?

- Get the fuck out of my house.

- Excuse me?

- Get the fuck out
of my fucking house.

- Babe, what's going on?

- Get the fuck out of my house!

- Why are you...

- Why are you here?

- Babe, calm down.

What the fuck is going on?

What's the matter?

- Get out of here!

- What is going on?

- Get outta my house!

- Why?

- Because I don't want you here.

- What the fuck happened?
- I don't want you here!

Who said you could be in here?

- Babe, it's okay.

- Don't touch me!

Get out of my house!

- Babe.

- I don't want you

in my fucking house.
- I heard you.

What is going on?

- Then why are
you standing here?

Why, do you get off on it?

- Babe, explain.

- What do you want?

Do you want me to fucking
cut myself in front of you?

Is this what you're into?

- Baby, no.

- You fucking sick fuck.

No one wants you here.

No one!

Go.

Go!

Fuck you, go.

What, do you get off on this?

Get the fuck out of my house.

No one wants you
around, you hear me?

Not even your own fucking mama.

This was just a fuck.

Get out of my-

- If you're gonna do it,

fucking do it like
you fucking mean it!

Do it like you mean it!

- Go!

- I know you.

I fucking know you.

You wanna self-destruct.

You don't want me around?

Just say the word, Dean.

You just say the fucking word.

- Go.

Go.

Shut the door, bitch!

Shut the fucking door!

Go!

[Dean breathing
heavily continues]

I need help.

I don't wanna fuck things
up like I always do.

- Here you go.

- Thanks.

Did I wake anyone else up?

- It's just me.

What happened?

- Are you sober?

- Yep.

I have three years.

- That's a much lower number
than I would've expected.

- Why did you choose to
come here tonight, Dean?

- That's a good question.

All this time, I thought that
they both killed themselves.

Then I found this.

- "I never know the proper
way to talk about her

and it's not fair to you both.

She was trying to
quit, but she couldn't.

She was the one who
was good at this.

She was meant to be a mother.

Sorry I wasn't better.

I'd trade places
with her if I could.

I wish I was strong
enough to carry on,

but I hope you'll continue.

I love you.

I love you both."

- Do you know how long
I looked for that?

Every jacket, every drawer,
every place that we used to go.

Even places that
didn't make sense.

I couldn't accept that he
didn't even say goodbye.

- Would you rather
have not found it?

- No.

I'd rather have a mother here,

rather have a father alive
telling me this shit.

What I don't want is writing
on the back of a picture

that means nothing.

No closure, no
explanation, nothing.

- I know it hurts.

But this is what
you've always wanted.

- That's what I've
always wanted?

Is that what I've always wanted?

No!

Actually, what I wanted was
parents or to feel normal.

Do you know what I would
give to feel normal?

What I don't want is
a bunch of writing

on the back of the only fucking
memento I have of my mom,

the only way that I remember
what she even looks like,

because he's too big
of a coward to tell me!

He couldn't just tell me that
to my face and not do it.

- Dean,
you are so strong.

- Why are you so
convinced I am strong?

You don't know me!

- I know that you're just the
product of your surroundings,

that none of your issues
are actually your own,

that you'd actually be fine

if you could just let
go and forgive yourself.

You could not have
saved him, Dean.

- You sit in your
fancy fucking house

with your pretty life
and your pretty things.

You know nothing about what
it's like to feel like this!

- Do you think that you're the
only person who knows loss?

Huh?

My son died at 15.

He took his own life with
pills from my medicine cabinet.

I gave him the weapon
to end his life.

I'm the only one to blame
and I didn't fucking see it.

It's my fucking job and I
didn't see it in my own son.

So don't you dare tell me that
I don't know what it's like.

I drank myself to
death for years

before I could muster a
day without him sober.

I lost husband,
myself, my family.

- Why did he do it?

- Why does it matter?

We'll never be able
to ask them why.

They're gone.

I love my little boy
more than life itself.

And every single day

I breathe on this planet
without him hurts.

I feel it in every
single breath.

But I refuse to give up because
that is what survivors do.

They fight and they save
everyone they can along the way.

So what are you, Dean?

- I don't know.

- Yes, you do.

- No, I don't.
- Yes.

- I don't know!
- Yes, you do.

- I don't know.

I know what I'm supposed to say.

I know I'm supposed
to say I am sorry,

but it doesn't feel
like it means enough.

God, I fucked up so bad.

I can't forgive myself for
what I said about your mom,

and it wasn't true obviously.

I'm so sorry.

- Okay.

I know.

You know my mom,

she's dying and I'm not
ready to forgive her,

not in my life time, but
I don't know what to do.

- Once they're gone,

there will be a million
things that you wanna say.

So many times I
pick up the phone

and I don't even
know who to call

when there's good news
and there's bad news,

and I would hate that
to happen to you.

You have a fucking chance.

I would kill for that.

I'm sorry.

I'd come home just
to masturbate.

I was trying to shield
her from the depravity.

I'm moving to San Francisco.

And I know you guys
have your lives here

and I can't expect you
just to leave them,

but I really wish you
would 'cause I think

that we could all be really
happy there together.

- Hey, wherever you go, I go.

- You sure?

- I'm sure.

- Maybe we can go
to Walnut Creek.

- I know.

- Is this like a
"Sister Wives," or?

- It's like more like
"Three's Company."

- Jesus.

I gotta smoke.

San Francisco.

- Have you ever been?

- Does Taryn know?

- I called her 30 times.

And I plan to ask her as well.

- How are we gonna afford it?

- Let me worry about that.

- Oh, so okay, now you're
going to use that money.

- My God, the money.

Do you know why I
have that money?

- Because you're fucking rich.

- Because I'm a rich bitch.

Yeah, no, I was actually
super fucking poor growing up.

Me and Bennett shared a
room for most of our lives,

but my dad took out a giant
life insurance policy.

And then three days from the day

that the suicide clause
expired, he took his own life.

So rather than talking
to me or getting help

or doing bad things,
he waited to do it.

So I don't want his
fucking blood money.

But I would use it if it meant
that I got to be with you

and that we got to be happy and
all of us could be together.

You and I both pretend
we don't need anybody,

but it is complete
bullshit because I need you

and I am not afraid to tell
you that I really need you.

And I think that
you need me too.

- Put your arms up.

- Oh my goodness.

- You're soaring.

- I'm flying!

- I'm jacking this.

Oh, a cigarette!

Oh, goddamn.

What if I fuck it up?

- I'll fuck it up first.

You will, you will fuck it up.

And so will I, I'm sure.

super good.

Bria, what the fuck is going on?

How'd she do it?

I looked around that room today.

All I saw were people
that loved her.

We're all so convinced
that no one cares,

but every face in
that room was crushed.

Suicide destroys everyone's
life who surrounds it.

Not yours.

No, you're gone.

Someone in that room, they
had to find her that way.

It's just a vicious
fucking cycle.

And every time we do
it, we make it more

and more acceptable to
the people around us.

But it's not, it's not okay.

- How do we fix it?

- Live.

We suffer and we work
shitty fucking jobs

and live average normal lives.

And we get old and fat.

We go through menopause.

At least we're alive
and we're together.

At least we didn't give up.

It's a much scarier
choice to choose to live.

Giving up is easy.

- Sounds fucking terrible.

I'm game.

- I have daydreams about
marriage, babies, future,

all these things
that I never thought

I'd live long enough to see.

- You as a mother.

I would love to see that.

- I wanted you to know
that you saved my life.

I didn't realize how
much I wanted someone

to do that for me, to care
about me enough to help me,

as much as I hated
you for doing it.

I didn't make it easy.

I wouldn't be here
if it wasn't for you.

I'm genuinely happy.

Obviously not all
day, not every day.

You know, life's not perfect,
but it's getting there.

God, if you had told me that
my life would look like this

a year ago, I would've told
you you do need to be sober.

I'm just so in
love with my life.

It's the only word that
keeps coming to my mind.

Love, love.

Grateful.

I'm really, really grateful
that I failed that night.

I wouldn't have had any of this
if it wasn't for that night.

I'm really grateful to be alive.

So, thank you.

Can I hug you?

- Of course.

Come here.

- You ready?

- Are you ready?

- Hey, Mom.

It's okay.

It's okay.

- I've never actually
been here before.

- Yeah, my whole family
came here on a trip once.

My dad had never been
to San Francisco before.

And yeah, we brought him.

Every time I think of him,
I picture him right here.

All my family, really,
especially today.

- Holy shit.

- You are it for me.

This is my grandmother's ring.

She wore it for 72 years.

It's yours if you'll have me.

Will you marry me?

- Yes.
- Yes?

She said yes!

- Yes!

♪ God is weeping ♪

♪ And teeth are gnashing ♪

♪ And his heart is aching ♪

♪ And ever breaking ♪

- I'm genuinely happy.

Not all day, not every day.

You know, life's not perfect,
but it's getting there.

God, if you told me
that my life

would look like this
a year ago,

I would've told you,you
do need to be sober.

I'm just so in love my life.

It's the only word that
keeps coming in my mind.

- Not Dean!

- Love, love, love.

Grateful.

I'm really, really grateful
that I failed that night.

♪ Bells are ringing ♪

- I wouldn't
have had any of this

if it wasn't for that night.

♪ And sirens are calling ♪

- I'm really
grateful to be alive.

♪ Those who are weary ♪

- So thank you.

♪ Of the darkness falling ♪

♪ And heaven is sleeping ♪

♪ Above thunder and lightning ♪

♪ And the devil is laughing ♪

♪ At the darkness falling ♪

♪ mm, mm, mm ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

- I saw it all.

What could have been.

This time, I choose to live .

♪ I was broken ♪

♪ I'll stay ♪

♪ No voice, the choice
could be trusted ♪

♪ Hope for me was a lie ♪

♪ Just another reason to cry ♪

♪ Lost I must confess ♪

♪ Taking up space at best ♪

♪ No guiding light through
the darkness inside ♪

♪ And longing to
lay it to res t ♪

♪ Everything looks
so different to me ♪

♪ When you come
out of the dark ♪

♪ You showed me that
rock-bottom could be ♪

♪ A beautiful place to star t ♪

♪ You gave me your love ♪

♪ You showed me your heart ♪

♪ I found a place where
I could feel safe ♪

♪ Inside your loving arms ♪

♪ Everything looks
so different to me ♪

♪ When you come
out of the dark ♪

♪ You showed me ♪

♪ That rock-bottom could be ♪

♪ A beautiful place to star t ♪