Original subtitles

I want the truth.

I want the name of the bully that did this to you.

I told you, I ran into a locker.

Rory, I'm your mom.

You don't have to keep secrets from me.

Now, who did this?

All right, fine.

It was locker 212.

Rory, Cate...

So...

How's our bleeder?

He'll live.

But he still won't tell me who did it.

Well, Cate, I went to principal training camp.

Watch...listen...learn.

Rory...

Who did this to you?

I ran into a locker.

Okay.

Cate, let me see you outside for a second.

I don't think it was a locker.

So, it's inspector Gibb.

Hey, I didn't want to push him.

He's a freshman. He's embarrassed.

The other kid probably threatened him.

All right; I'm sorry

It's just sometimes I feel like I'm losing control of my kids.

How do you keep track of 500 of them?

Well, the underachievers, I write off immediately.

That really only leaves about 4 or 5.

Ugh, did you see the way

principal Gibb was smiling at mom?

He still so wants to date her.

I could never date anyone who wore that much corduroy.

Anyways, about tonight, I want to get to the Club by 7:00,

so we'll just tell mom we're going to the library and change in the car.

I don't think this is gonna work if this place is 21 and over.

Oh, no, no, you'll be fine.

It's 21 years, not 21 inches.

We're not 21 years old.

Okay, I'll get fake I.D.S. Come on!

You're not losing control.

You're a single mother with three teenagers,

one of whom you should be very proud of.

I will find out who did this to Rory,

and I'll call you.

Thanks, Ed.

Nurse Hennessy.

-Coach McAllister. -Principal Gibb.

Well, we all have names and titles.

Aren't we important.

Look, I've been going over this,

and I don't mean to be pushy,

but I still don't understand why we can't date.

All right, I'm gonna level with you.

Besides the fact that we're co-workers,

and that I am just not ready to date anyone yet...

This is supposed to be a secret,

but Bridget has a huge crush on you.

That's supposed to be a secret.

She knitted me this racket cover.

That was my favorite sweater.

Anyway, you can see why this just doesn't work for me.

Okay, how about a friendly offering?

Now, I know you have a sweet tooth,

and I make an incredible cheesecake, all right?-

[Rory:] Mom, it feels like I have three nostrils.

All right, honey, I'll be there.

It's just not the right time.

Totally understand.

It's got Graham-cracker crust!

Principal.

Coach.

Wow, that is quite a dent.

I think he was wearing brass knuckles.

Or a ring, judging from the

dainty, heart-shaped imprint.

So?

So lots of people wear heart-shaped rings

Brides, men who throw academy award parties...

Ninth-grade girls.

You think I was hit by a girl?

I didn't see you at Elton John's bash this year.

Fine, it was a girl.

Excellent.

Dad, let's go!

Please don't tell mom. I don't want anybody to know.

It will be our little secret

between me, you, and little Mary whoopass.

I don't want to go to dinner with Dorothy.

We always end up at one of those health-food joints.

Oh, come on, she's 85. Something's working.

It's probably that mug of bourbon she knocks back every day,

watching Regis and what's her name.

Oh, girls, while we're out,

I need you to go pick up Rory's prescription.

Oh, well, um, we told you we were gonna go to the library.

Bridget, you're going to the library?

Yeah, they've got "Cosmo Girl" on microfiche.

If you want someone to pick up drugs, I'm your man.

Not 'cause I do them, because I'm responsible.

So what park do you want me to meet this dude at?

It's the pharmacy, and it closes in an hour.

You know, maybe I should just skip aunt Dorothy's

and stay and take care of Rory.

I'm not gonna choke down some damn veggie casserole.

I'm gonna eat meat tonight

if I have to gnaw on her arthritic knee.

Maybe I'll go to Dorothy's.

Okay, here.

This is the fake I.D. You got me?

Shh!

This woman is 31!

I can't pass for that old!

Just stand in bad light and frown the way you do.

Yes, like that!

And this is me.

You stole C.J.'s driver's license?

Kerry, please, everyone looks bad on a driver's license.

How long do you think they're gonna be staring at the I.D.

When I'm the one holding the I.D.?

So, for tonight you are 'Hadassah',

and I am C.J.

Hi, C.J. I'm Shaun.

Mmm. Hi, Shaun.

Interesting.

Oh, do you know what she said to me?

Mmm; 'Me likey'.

So, you said you modeled.

Are you one of those super models?

Oh, that term is so pretentious.

I want people to feel they can approach me anywhere, anytime.

-C.J. - -Not now, Hadassah.

I don't normally ask a girl that I just met for her phone number,

and I don't know if you'd be willing to --

Oh! Here you go.

Well, I have been going on and on about myself.

Why don't you tell me something about you?

Well, I'm a cop.

Ladies; I.D.S, please.

C.J.; He's talking to you.

Excuse me, ladies, could I please see your I.D.S?

I don't think I like his tone.

Come on, Hadassah.

-C.J.? -Hey, little buddy!

What happened with my medicine?

Uh, I gave it to you.

Yeah, you're having a night terror.

Hoooo!

The pharmacist called.

-He called here? -He said you never showed up.

That dude's a liar. Of course, I went.

Then give me my medicine. My nose is killing me.

All right, well...

Here you go, got it right here.

There you go, top-of-the-line stuff,

very powerful painkillers.

These look like candy.

Yeah, they make them like that on purpose

so they're more appealing to children.

It's got an "M" on it.

Yes, for...Medicine.

Listen, take them with water.

You don't want them to melt in your mouth.

I'm telling you, that cop knows we have fake I.D.S.

And now he has our real phone number --brilliant.

I didn't know he was a cop, okay?

I just thought he was cute. Is that a crime?

At least we didn't run away and look guilty.

Oh, that's right, we did!

I know he's gonna call here and tell mom!

-We are so busted! -Maybe he won't even call.

Oh, it's me. Of course, he's gonna call.

Not if we make sure that when the phone rings,

we get to it before mom does. -Yes

Hi!

I thought you guys went to the library.

Uh, yeah, well, I read fast.

And all the picture books were checked out.

They actually were.

So, um, did anybody call for me?

Nope.

Well, I will be near the phone,

so none of you have to bother.

Oh, Hi, girls! You're home early.

What are we, on trial here?!

Mom, how was dinner with aunt Dorothy?

It was terrible. They had no dessert.

It's always, "I've got apples back home."

I'm a grown man. What the hell do I want with an apple?

Hi, mom.

Oh, Hi, honey.

Well, it looks like somebody's waiting for a boy to call.

-No. There's no boy. -And he's really cute.

There's no boy and we're not waiting by the phone.

Right.

How are you feeling?

A little better. C.J. brought me my medicine.

Thank you for taking such good care of him.

I'm crazy about the 'little tyke'.

You stay off that nose, champ.

I'm so glad you're better.

I'll be sure to tell Mike when he calls.

Mike, the pharmacist? He's gonna call here again?

-He called? -No, why would he call?

He always calls to check up when someone's sick.

He's the sweetest.

What is this, 'Mayberry'?

Also, coach McAllister called.

Scott? Just a second, honey.

Girls, Rory's feeling uncomfortable.

Could you just go downstairs

and look for that special neck pillow I put someplace?

He has a pillow!

They don't want to leave that phone.

They're waiting on a gentleman caller.

-If the phone rings... -I'll get it!

I mean, I'll get it.

You do so much for me around here, you relax.

Girls, the pillow.

So what did Scott say?

He said, "Who's this?" And I said, "It's Rory."

And he said, "So how's the nose?"-

Today, Rory.

You weren't home, so he said he'd call back.

Tonight? He's gonna call here again?

Oh, God! I'm getting a headache.

C.J.; Give mom one of those pain pills.

You can't just share a prescription, you know.

This stuff isn't...candy.

Cate; Would you like a cup of coffee?

Oh, dad, I'd love some.

Good, as long as you're making a pot, I'll have some, too.

You know what would be great with that coffee is some cake.

I am not making you a cake.

What's the matter with you?

Oh! Dad, I'm sorry.

It's just that there's this guy at school

and he keeps asking me out.

I've made it clear that I'm not interested,

but he's being very persistent.

Have you tried kicking him in the 'grapes?

We're not there quite yet.

But I don't want him to call the house

because Bridget has a crush on him.

She will freak out if she finds out he's trying to date me.

I tear it down in 2 minutes. Who is it?

I'm not telling you. I know how you get.

I can handle this by myself.

I just have to make sure that when he calls,

I get to the phone before Bridget.

I'm telling you, pointy shoes and a running start.

Hey, this Mike, the pharmacist,

what time does he usually turn in?

Here, Rory, here's your stupid pillow.

Ohh!

Ohh! Ohh!

[Jim] Look at them.

They're watching that phone like they think it's gonna hatch.

Come on, what's his name?

-There's no guy. -And we're not waiting on a call.

I got it.

Hello?

Who?

Mike, the pharmacist.

No one came by to pick up Rory's painkillers.

Maybe that's 'cause we don't want any.

What?

Who was that?

This guy selling long distance.

I don't think we should answer the phone anymore.

What we need is caller I.D.

-No! -No!

No!

Mom, my nose is really hurting.

Honey, I am so sorry. I'm gonna be here now.

Hello?

Oh, ha, ha, ha. Hello.

Tonight?

Come on, I made the cheesecake.

It would be a crime if you didn't at least have a bite.

A crime?

Oh, my God! That is the cop!

Bridget, I can't go to prison!

I have the psats next week!

No. It's not the cop.

It's some guy she likes.

I can tell by her fake laugh. Ha, ha, ha, ha

You are so right. I know exactly who it is.

[Both] It's principal Gibb.

Gibb?

Gibb? Oh, my God, C.J.;

If Gibb's calling, he probably knows who punched me.

Yeah, maybe he found your dignity

in the bottom of her "Hello, kitty" purse.

Yeah, but just promise me you won't call again tonight.

Okay, bye.

Who was that?

Somebody selling long distance.

Mother, that is so lame.

They do call.

Come on, mom, we know you were talking to principal Gibb.

Oh, ho, ho, guilty as charged.

That's right, it was principal Gibb.

I knew it was Gibb. You should have just told me.

Dad, just stay out of it. -Gibb!

Did he say anything about me?

No, honey, but he's gonna find out who hit you.

Is he gonna call back tonight? -Yeah, probably.

You know how he feels about bullies...

I mean, lockers.

I'm really beat. I'm just gonna go upstairs.

[Kerry:] That's a really good idea, you get some sleep.

And if the phone rings, one of us will get it.

-I'll get it. -I'll get it.

Someone will get it. I'll get it.

Nobody touch that phone. I just had a great idea.

I'm gonna call that 24-hour place and see if they'll deliver pie.

Hello

Damn it, that's my pie phone!

Hi, there, it's Ed Gibb. Is your mother there?

It's principal Gibb. -Gibb?

That guy will not give up.

Don't bother your mom. I'll take it.

Listen, Gibb, Cate's not interested.

Now, you call again, I'm gonna come through this phone

and break your dialing fingers.

You got that, college boy?!

-What did he want? -Don't worry, budy.

Your principal's gonna think twice before he calls this house again.

Hello?

Principal Gibb?

The nerve of that guy!

It must have been a misunderstanding

Could I please speak to your mom?

Hold on one second.

Hey, this is Shaun. C.J.?

Uh-huh. It's him! It's him!

Are you busy on Friday?

Are you asking me out?

I'm very flattered, but you're way too old for me.

My mother would just go nuts.

Let me talk to principal Gibb.

Sorry, I gotta go.

Sorry, principal Gibb, hold on.

I told you not to call my daughter.

Now you call my granddaughter.

What kind of sicko are you?

Stay away from my family, you freak show!

What was that about?

It doesn't concern you just leave it alone.

Sweet.

-So did you get rid of the cop? -Yeah, we're safe.

Now I kind of miss him.

C.J.; I think my medicine's wearing off.

My nose has a pulse.

Uh, here, try these blue ones.

-Hello? -I'm Mike, from the pharmacy.

These are for Rory. I tried to call earlier, but -Right Thank you

Hey, did I hear the phone ring?

Somebody just selling long distance.

And the doorbell.

Long-distance guy, too. Freaky.

Hello?

Good evening, I'm calling from phone 4000

with our new national minute-to-minute--

Well, who was that?

Somebody selling long distance.

No, seriously.

-So, Rory, how are you feeling? -Not too good.

Honey, why is your tongue blue?

What have you been giving him?

These.

From the pharmacy, when I went to the pharmacy earlier.

I like that pharmacist, but we should never talk to him again.

Well, that's strange. These should work.

What is going on around here?

Ed?

-Gibb? -Ed Gibb!

Hey, everybody, principal Gibb stopped by!

-Ed, you should have called first. -I did.

I made two insane phone calls,

and then I thought I should stop by

to clear up any misunderstanding.

I told you to stay away from my girls.

Actually, I'm here about Rory.

Rory?

-Oh, my God!! -You, you...you hit me!!

That was excellent!

Dad, are you crazy?

This nut's been harassing us all night.

Two calls! I made two calls!

What is wrong with you people?

Hello?

-Scott? -Coach?

Ed? What happened to you?

I, uh, I walked into a locker.

I know I promised I wouldn't call,

but I didn't say I wouldn't show up.

-Scott -If I leave this cake at my house,

I will wind up eating the whole thing, so here.

Thank you. It's very nice, but --

Cate, the young man brought cake.

The least we can do is invite him in. I'll take this.

Uh, but, dad, this is the guy I was telling you about.

Hold on. This is the guy that Bridget has the crush on?

No, no, no, no, I don't.

Why did I hit Gibb?

Yeah, Gibb didn't do anything.

You don't have a crush on Scott?

No, I did, but now I don't.

I met this really cute guy at a Club tonight, and- Ohh!! -Bridget!!

You said you went to the library. You lied?

Oh, mother, like you'd ever let us

go to a Club where we'd need fake I.D.S. Ahh!!

I don't believe you two!

-Uh, Cate... -What?!! I'm sorry.

Do you have any pain pills?

Actually, yes, I do. I--

That have never been opened.

C.J.?

What have you been giving Rory?

Other medicine I have.

How many did you take?

-About 23. -What?!!

It's okay. It's just candy. It's nothing.

This is great.

My son is lying to me,

my daughters are sneaking off to a Club,

and my dad decked my boss.

What do you think about this, Ed?

Would you call this losing control?

Whatever you say.

And you, C.J.; I gave you one job

to go to the pharmacy.

I did, but it was closed...

Because I stopped at a bar for a few minutes.

You went to a bar?

Instead of taking care of Rory?

This must have been some very special bar.

Please don't ask me what kind of bar it is,

'cause it's a little embarrassing in front of everyone.

Scott, the door.

Hey.

I'm looking for a gorgeous blonde named C.J.

I've never seen that guy in my life!!

[Cate:] -Dad, is that you? -Oh, crap!

Just having an apple. You know what they say.

Yeah, nothing washes down cheesecake like an apple.

I can't sleep.

Dad; Is it my imagination?

Or are my kids way more out of control than I was?

Darling, you were out of control

from the day you were 13 till the day you left the house.

So I shouldn't be worried?

Oh, you should be worried. You've got three of them.

Well, four, if you count C.J.

Five, if I count you.

So I hit your boss.

For no reason.

All right; Maybe my intelligence was a little shaky,

but people have gone to war

with a lot less reliable information.

I don't know, dad.

Sometimes I- I just feel so overwhelmed.

Sweetie,

There's going to be days like that.

Just remember --

those are good kids. You're a great mom.

Now, you go back upstairs, go to bed,

get a good night's sleep

so you can do it all again tomorrow.

Thanks, dad.

Good night, sweetheart. Go on. Go to bed.

Go on.

There's no cake left, is there?

Not a bite.

Good night, 'pop'.

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