Original subtitles

Well, well.

You should all be ashamed of yourselves,

lounging around while your mother and I

slave over your dirty laundry.

I just carried it upstairs, but still.

Hey, Rory; Your mom wanted me to tell you

she's never cleaning your bathroom again.

She cleans my bathroom?

Yeah, mainly for the gratitude.

And she wants you to clean it ... tonight.

No way. My science class study group's coming over tonight.

Good. You can study what's growing

on the floor around your toilet.

Kerry never cleaned the attic like she was supposed to.

Oh, don't drag me into this.

And I'm not cleaning any stupid attic,

and you can't make me.

Okay, people. How many times

do I have to tell you to empty out your pockets

before you put your clothes in the wash?

-I always do that. -I always do.

Well, then explain the 78 cents at the bottom of the dryer.

-That's mine. -It's mine.

Hey, hey, all right, I'll flip you for it.

Bridget, can I talk to you for a second?

Look, honey, I-I would never, ever ask you

to betray your sister's confidence.

Oh, no; I have no problem with that. What's up?

I found this in Kerry's pants.

Oh, my God_

It's an e-mail from Bruno Cunningham.

Do you know who this is?

Well,

the only Bruno I know is the one that she...

Lost her virginity to.

Mom; Whisper it, say it out loud,

it's not coming back.

I just... I can't believe this.

The guy breaks her heart in Europe,

and she keeps in touch with him?

Look, "I can't wait." What does that mean?

Mm. Means he's real eager.

I know what the word means.

But do you think that they're going to get together again?

I don't know, but the important thing is

is why didn't she tell me?

Oh, yeah, that's the important thing.

You know, I am so afraid that this creep

is going to hurt my Kerry again.

I'm going to go ask her about it.

Yeah, yeah, that's... that's good, mom.

You know, Kerry is such a chatterbox

that once she finds out you went through all her stuff,

no way you're going to get her to shut up.

I have to know what's going on with her.

Mom, haven't you heard of just a little privacy?

Haven't you heard of giving someone their space?

I mean, why are you so caught up in wanting

to know every intimate detail of Kerry's life?

Is there anything going on here you're not telling me about?

Of course not.

But if there was, you'd tell me, right?

Yeah, absolutely.

You're my big sister. I tell you everything.

Can I come out now?

Oh! Bruno's here.

Ooh... but ¿?

Are you crazy?!

Um, can you give us a second?

-Make yourself comfortable. -Hey!

What are... Bruno? You're back with Bruno?!

Shh! No, I am not back with him.

Then what the hell is he doing here?

Look, we are just friends.

He's backpacking, on his way to Canada,

and he needed a place to crash,

so I offered him the attic.

Just a friendly gesture.

You cannot be friends with an ex, Kerry, okay?

Unless you did the dumping, which you didn't.

You were the dumpee.

The one whose heart was crushed,

the one whose world came crashing down

okay, I get it, I get it.

I don't know if you remember the three last little words

he said to you "I'll... call... you."

And did he? Mm, let me think. No, he didn't.

"I'll call you"... he never had any intention of calling you.

-Okay, but since then- -I'm not finished!

You sat by that phone

weeping, sad, horrified, and humiliated-

Yeah, I get it!

Look, he apologized in his e-mails.

We're over it. We're friends.

Oh, God, Kerry. There are only three ways

to get over a creep like Bruno

1.- You date his best friend,

2.- You date his worst enemy,

or 3.- You send his e-mail address

to, like, a million gay porn sites.

Hey, Rory,

I've got some laundry for you.

Uh, uh, just a second, grandpa.

Okay.

Hey, grandpa.

You've met these guys before.

If you say so.

So, how's the volcano coming?

It's going great.

Thanks for bringing the laundry.

Yeah. What's inside a volcano?

Uh, there's igneous rock and...

magma.

Mm?

And what's this...

The rock or magma?

We're not going to get punished, are we?

Oh, I'm going to punish you, all right.

Deal me in.

C.J...

Is it ever okay to snoop?

Ooh, never.

No, no. Nothing lower than a snoop.

You know, I don't even like snoopy.

Good, I just needed to hear it from someone else.

Okay.

You see, the thing is,

you remember that guy Bruno,

the one that Kerry...

Lost her virginity to?

It is easier to say when you whisper.

Well, anyway, I just found out

that Kerry has been e-mailing that loser,

and I got so upset that I...

that I almost broke into her computer.

Well, yeah, you gots to snoop.

-What? -Yeah;

We got to bust into this laptop

and find out what's going on with those two.

But you just said there's nothing

lower than a snoop.

What do I know about morality?

I got a beard, don't make me a freakin' rabbi.

So what are you going to do with your friend

while he's here?

Well, after mom goes to her book club,

Bruno and I are going to go get some dinner,

and then I'm going to sneak him into the attic

before she gets home. Unless you tell her.

No, I'll help you hide him.

Oh, my God! You really do care about me.

Don't flatter yourself.

I just like getting away with stuff.

I'm in. Here we go.

Okay, now we just print these up,

and then we per-owse the e-mails at our leisure.

Well, what if the girls come down and catch us?

Forget the girls! It's my game now!

C.J.!

Sorry. Okay, you're right.

I'm going to go upstairs, make sure they don't come down.

I'm going to go down and make sure mom doesn't come up.

You get Bruno into the attic

before mom goes out to her book club,

-Okay? -Right. -Go, get him, get him.

Hey, I'm okay in here.

I found a Judy Blume book I never read.

I'm going down. Mom!

Oh... girls...

One... one second, mom!

Whoa!

Hi!

Why did you just slam the door in my face?

Freaked me out. I thought you were a burglar.

Um, I'm going to go downstairs

and get some cookies. Will you go with me?

Oh, no, no. You can't go downstairs.

Why not?

Uh, we don't have any cookies.

Well, fruit, steak, any snack's good.

Come on.

Oh, you know, before we do that,

um, I actually have a pressing problem,

and I-I think it might take a while.

Could you show me how to...

how to get the baseball scores on my phone?

What?

Well, you know, I love baseball.

I follow it closely. In fact, I was hoping...

Here you go. All programmed. All set.

Let's go get those snacks.

Wait, wait, wait.

I don't see any baseball scores.

Well, they're coming in, like, 3 months

when the season starts. -Yeah. Snack. Now.

What about hockey?

Aren't they playing hockey right now?

-They're on strike. -Oh, yeah.

I-I knew that. I meant field hockey.

Maybe there's field hockey.

Oh, boy;

A snack with both my girls!

Oh, not a good time for a snack.

You guys, wait, wait, wait one second.

Why don't you go upstairs,

and I'll bring you your snacks?

No, mom, you don't have to do that.

Oh, no, really, I feel like I don't do enough around here.

Seriously, mom, it's okay.

I'm trying to show you how much I love you, damn it.

Now get up there and wait for those treats!

-Okay. -Okay.

Go on.

What's taking you so long?

Don't point fingers at me.

You're supposed to keep them up there.

Go get Bruno!

Hurry, hurry. They might come down.

-I'm hurrying. -Faster! Wait, wait, wait.

-C.J.! What? -Is that an English cheddar?

Girls, I've got cheese and crackers!

Okay, here you go.

Oh, well, wow. Thank you.

Uh-huh.

So you... you heading off to your book club?

Yeah. Go compare, contrast.

Actually, I decided not to go to my book club.

-Why? -What?

-I haven't read the book. -You never read the book.

Didn't watch the DVD, either.

Okay, whatever. Thanks for the cheese. Bye.

See you later.

You guys up to something up here?

No. God, why are you so suspicious?

I'm not suspicious. Who's suspicious?

Good. There is nothing to be suspicious of.

Good.

-Good. -Good.

Let me clean some of this stuff

out of the way so you can get comfortable.

You don't have to clean up for me.

Oh, no, I was supposed to do it three weeks ago.

Hey, stop, listen. I got to tell you something.

Um...

I know I already apologized,

like, a million times in my e-mails.

Unfortunately, like, 30 of them went to my buddy list.

But, um...

I just... I really want to tell you in person

how sorry I am that I never called you.

It was really...

It was a terrible thing to do.

Yeah, it was.

But I pride myself

on the ability to grow emotionally, and...

I've moved on.

Well, I'm just glad we can still be friends.

So am I.

-Aah! -Oh, my...

Aah!

God, I am so sorry!

Aah! Aah!

I-I broke your glasses.

No, no, no.

Don't worry. I only use them for vision.

Uh, I'm going to go get some ice.

Thanks. And... and maybe a small morphine drip.

Aagh!

So you're going to give us back our allowances, right?

Oh, sure. That's how gambling works.

This sucks.

Making the stupid volcano was more fun.

Where do you think you're going?

I don't want to play anymore.

Yeah, and what if I tell your parents

you were up here playing poker?

What if I tell yours?

Good luck.

Hey, come on.

It's winner take all.

You've still got some chips.

Those chips are my lunch money for the next 2 weeks.

Well, boo-hoo.

So you go down a dress size.

Sit down. It's your deal.

Hey.

How's it going up there with your "friend"?

Fine. Very friendly.

Where are the bandages?

Why?

Uh, I busted his head with an oar.

-Sweet! -No, it was an accident.

No, no, no. There are no accidents.

Well, except for Rory.

Listen, this is why you cannot be friends with an ex.

There are always feelings involved,

and now yours are coming out as anger.

No, I am done with anger. When he never called,

I wrote some very scathing poetry.

Poetry?

Yeah, and a vicious haiku that I posted on my blog.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to get an ice pick.

Ice pick?

I said ice pack.

This e-mail is all in code.

No capitals, no punctuation.

God, the nerve of Bruno and Kerry...

Making their private letters practically unreadable.

Shh. Here, do something with that.

What you guys watching?

Oh, just some boring old tearjerker.

We now return to "The Texas chainsaw massacre."

So what are you doing with all that ice?

I just wanted some ice in my room.

Do you know I'm the only kid in my class

who doesn't have her own icemaker?

Okay.

All right, give it to me.

That's not it.

Ooh, I got to pay this.

Uh, we'll just print out another one.

So you want to hear something stupid?

My sister doesn't think we can be friends.

Why not?

Who knows?

She also thinks that I'm hurting you on purpose

for some reason.

Isn't that the stupidest thing?

-Ow, ow, ow, ow. -I'm sorry. Sorry. Sorry.

Don't worry, I-I think I have a spare nose in my backpack.

Wait a second.

Is that a smile?

You're that blind?

No, no, I have, like, "Top gun" vision.

I just wear the coke-bottle glasses

'cause they're such a chick magnet.

Ha ha.

Well, I will be gentle this time.

Okay?

Me too.

Um...

I'm sorry. I just...

I'm not ready for that.

I've got gum.

No, it's not that. It's just that I'm...

I'm just... I'm starting to want...

want to, and I...

I don't think that I want to want to.

I'm going to go.

Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God!

You shot him?

Worse... I kissed him.

Oh, no! I knew this would happen.

I'm starting to get feelings for him again.

Is that what you want? -No. Yes.

No. I don't know.

Okay, that's it. I got to fix this.

You need to get out of this house.

Good plan. Yeah. I-I shouldn't be around him.

I might do something I'll regret.

I mean, I'd enjoy it, but

I'd regret it.

I mean, I'd really enjoy it, but...

I'd really regret it.

Okay! Don't gross me out, or I won't help you.

Yes! I figured this one out.

Oh, wait, don't tell me.

Let me figure it out.

"2nt" means "tonight."

Bruno is seeing her tonight.

Oh, I said let me figure it out.

Unh-unh. I'm sorry, Bruno, there's been a change of plans.

You're not getting anywhere within 10 miles of my Kerry.

Yeah, right.

Here she comes. Go, go, go.

Where you going?

I-I'm going to the library. I got loads of studying.

Studying, huh?

You sure do study a lot, don't you?

Uh, yeah.

Bye.

Just a minute, young lady.

You're not going anywhere till you, uh,

go and clean that attic like I asked you weeks ago.

-Oh, but, mom... -don't "but, mom" me.

You are going up to that attic right now,

and you are not coming down till

you finish what you started.

Go on!

I can believe this

The second I figure out I cannot be alone with Bruno,

mom sends me up to the attic with him.

What am I going to do?

What was that for?

Well, you were quite hysterical.

Um, no, I wasn't.

Well, you should be. This is a terrible situation,

but you're lucky, 'cause I have a fix.

I'm going to go up there with you

and make sure nothing happens.

You would do that for me?

I'm not going to leave you two alone for one second.

Yeah, hello?

Oh, you go ahead. I got to take this.

Bridget, you said that I shouldn't be alone with him!

What am I... ugh!

Well, grandpa,

I guess this is what they call beginner's luck.

Oh, can it.

All right, it ain't over till it's over.

What do you got?

-A pair of deuces. -Ha. That's all?

And three ladies.

Ha ha.

Those are queens.

Thanks for showing us how bad gambling is, Mr. Egan.

Ha ha.

Whatever.

I'm busted.

Oh, boo-hoo.

Ha ha ha ha.

It's just that, well...

I don't know how I'm going to pay for my medicine.

I mean...

They won't let me buy it in Canada.

Wait a minute.

He's trying to sucker us into giving him his money back.

No, no, no. I just...

I just want to, you know, get a little back, you know.

I-I'll sell you this watch for $20.

I got a watch.

All right, $10. It's solid gold... Colored.

You know, this e-mail code is like a whole other language.

I mean, "lol"... what's "lol"?

Laugh out loud. Ooh, I'm good.

Yeah, well, if you're so good,

try this one... "a-t-t-i-c."

Mm, always take time in cancún.

Whoa, that's it! He's taking her to cancún.

No way. No, no, no. He's not taking her to cancún.

"A-t-t-i-c" means attic.

Come on. You might want to leave the code breaking to me.

Wait, are you kidding?

He's in the attic, where I just sent Kerry.

I got to call you back. Hey, guys, hey!

Hey, why are you guys running upstairs to the attic

in... in such a hurry?! Mommy, I want a snack!

Kerry? Kerry?

There's no one here.

You wouldn't listen to me.

What are you talking about?

By now, they're on a honeymoon in cancún.

What are you doing here?

Bruno had to pee.

Okay, well, mom's looking for you.

She read your e-mails.

What? I could kill her.

Yeah, well, you got a guy in your bedroom.

Good luck with that argument.

So, um, nothing happened with you two

while I was out, right?

Oh, come on. Give me a little credit.

I can control myself.

Hey.

Hey.

Oh, my God!

What?

I leave you two alone for two seconds,

and you're hey-ing each other like that?

You know what? Here.

Latest Nancy drew. Knock yourself out.

Kerry, this cannot happen. Once a creep, always a creep.

Look, he's changed. He said he was sorry.

I just want Paris again.

I don't expect you to understand.

Look, Kerry, a lot of things I don't understand.

Most things I don't understand.

But I understand guys, and this one hurt you,

and he is going to hurt you again.

I know you're saying this 'cause you care about me,

but I've made my decision.

Oh, God, they're coming.

Okay, we got to get him out of here.

Come on, let's go.

Where are we going?

-We are going out the window. -What?

Yeah, it's okay. We do it all the time.

Just shimmy around the ledge and go down the drainpipe.

But I can't see.

It's a drainpipe and the side of a house.

You'll feel your way down. Go!

Boy, I feel horrible.

I snooped for no reason.

What kind of parent am I?

Exactly.

I mean, you did it because you care.

I'm just so worried.

I don't want Kerry to get hurt again.

But still, that's no reason not to trust her.

What was I thinking?

She is a great kid,

with a great head on her shoulders.

Ah, what a day!

Hey, let's get some cheese.

Thanks.

All right, we made it.

So I'm sorry about your nose and your glasses.

Does your nose still hurt?

Yeah, it's killing me.

But it was worth it to see you again.

Okay, okay, enough small talk.

We made it this far without getting caught. Now go.

I'm really glad you came.

Me too.

I'll call you.

Yeah, like you called her the last time?

Bridget.

Okay, I said I'd call her, and I will.

I'll call you the minute I get to Canada.

-See? -What's her number?

Yeah, I should probably get that.

Wait a minute. You didn't have my number?

Well, I didn't, but now I'm getting it,

so no big deal.

Well, yeah, it is kind of a big deal, Bruno.

This is starting to feel exactly like it did before.

What do you mean?

Well, you were just going to leave.

Okay, you said you were over all of that.

Yeah, I was over it when I thought

you had my number. What were you going to do,

just dial randomly until you hit my number?

Which can't be done, by the way.

I've tried.

Okay; You know what part of the problem is here...

You're a little oversensitive.

-Ohhh -Excuse me?

What a jerk!

Okay, look, obviously,

me even coming here was a big mistake,

so I think I'm just going to head out.

Oh, no, not so fast.

Last summer,

in Paris, you looked into my eyes

and said that we were going to spend Thanksgiving together.

And you never called.

You said that I should come to

your parents' farm in Wisconsin for Christmas

and take a sleigh ride,

and you never called.

You... you took...

...my virginity...

-And then you never called! -Aah!

Hey, yeah. Give him the vicious haiku.

-He is not worth the breath. -Fine.

No, that was the first line.

You know what?

Don't write, don't e-mail.

Just stay out of my life.

Okay.

Wait.

I forgot my backpack. How do I get it?

Oh, don't worry. I'll call you.

Which means she won't.

Yeah, okay.

I'll be right back.

-Hi, hon. -Hi.

Dad, what are they still doing up?

Oh, we're pulling an all-nighter on this project.

Is that cigar smoke?

Oh, no, no, no. Volcanic ash.

These kids are sticklers for reality.

What's going on in here?

Uh, it's volcano stuff.

Dad, where's your shirt?

Uh, volcano stuff. It's hot. Hot.

By the way, Cate,

uh, how much will you give me for these shoes?

They're Italian... Looking.

Hey, mom.

Uh, yeah, honey.

Well, I, uh, cleaned the attic like you asked.

I'm sorry it took me so long.

I'm going to go to bed now.

Kerry, wait.

What?

I don't tell you enough what a good kid you are.

I want you to know I trust you completely.

Um...

I snuck Bruno into the attic tonight,

and we almost got back together,

and then I realized he was a jerk,

and then I made him leave.

I read all your e-mails.

Okay.

-Good night. -Good night.

---o

---oO

---oOo

---oOo-

---oOo--

---oOo---

---oOo---