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1
00:00:04,336 --> 00:00:05,871
So, how'd the date go last night?
2
00:00:05,872 --> 00:00:07,906
Ah, another bait and switch.
3
00:00:07,907 --> 00:00:09,674
Her profile picture
looked like Halle Berry,
4
00:00:09,675 --> 00:00:12,376
but what showed up and ordered
Maine lobster was Chuck Berry.
5
00:00:12,377 --> 00:00:13,878
(laughs)
6
00:00:13,879 --> 00:00:15,545
Well, sorry it didn't work out.
7
00:00:15,547 --> 00:00:17,614
Oh, I didn't say that.
Real nice lady.
8
00:00:18,717 --> 00:00:20,585
Yeah, we-we're gonna go
out to karaoke next week.
9
00:00:20,586 --> 00:00:22,353
You know, she's got Mr. Berry's face.
10
00:00:22,354 --> 00:00:24,722
Let's see if she's got his pipes.
11
00:00:24,724 --> 00:00:27,325
Hang on, we got a car up on the curb.
12
00:00:27,326 --> 00:00:28,759
All right, I'll grab the Breathalyzer.
13
00:00:28,760 --> 00:00:32,061
(siren chirps) I'll put on my shoes.
14
00:00:40,838 --> 00:00:42,339
Is she drunk or dead?
15
00:00:42,340 --> 00:00:44,908
Well, either way, she can't park here.
16
00:00:44,909 --> 00:00:46,776
Ma'am?
17
00:00:52,348 --> 00:00:53,515
Glad you're here, Officer.
18
00:00:53,516 --> 00:00:56,318
I'm looking for my car.
19
00:00:56,319 --> 00:00:57,886
Aren't you in it?
20
00:00:58,921 --> 00:01:01,758
(laughs)
21
00:01:01,759 --> 00:01:04,260
Look at that, that's like
when you lose your sunglasses,
22
00:01:04,261 --> 00:01:07,362
and they're on top of your head.
23
00:01:08,497 --> 00:01:11,499
Oh, have a nice day.
24
00:01:11,501 --> 00:01:14,769
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Turn it off, turn it off.
25
00:01:14,771 --> 00:01:15,971
Okay, I'm gonna need
to see your license
26
00:01:15,972 --> 00:01:17,572
and registration, please.
27
00:01:17,574 --> 00:01:19,675
I can't do that.
Why not?
28
00:01:19,676 --> 00:01:21,910
'Cause I don't have it.
Well, where is it?
29
00:01:21,911 --> 00:01:23,245
That's a question.
You should ask the judge
30
00:01:23,246 --> 00:01:25,980
who took it away from me.
31
00:01:25,982 --> 00:01:27,316
All right, I'm gonna have
to ask you to step
32
00:01:27,317 --> 00:01:28,350
out of the vehicle, please.
33
00:01:28,351 --> 00:01:29,351
Well, just what is this
34
00:01:29,352 --> 00:01:30,484
all about, Officer?
35
00:01:30,486 --> 00:01:32,988
This is about driving
under the influence.
36
00:01:32,989 --> 00:01:34,122
Well, I didn't drive, I parked.
37
00:01:34,123 --> 00:01:35,456
I mean, technically I stopped
38
00:01:35,457 --> 00:01:36,724
a crime from happening.
39
00:01:36,725 --> 00:01:38,493
You're welcome.
40
00:01:38,494 --> 00:01:41,396
Well, it doesn't matter
that you're stopped.
41
00:01:41,397 --> 00:01:43,064
What matters is
you've admitted to drinking.
42
00:01:43,065 --> 00:01:45,332
And your keys are in the ignition.
43
00:01:45,334 --> 00:01:48,369
Oh, so, if I didn't have the keys
44
00:01:48,370 --> 00:01:51,570
then I would just be sleeping it off?
45
00:01:53,207 --> 00:01:54,874
That's correct.
46
00:01:55,776 --> 00:01:57,376
There we go.
47
00:01:58,879 --> 00:02:01,681
Nighty-night, Officers.
48
00:02:04,018 --> 00:02:06,821
♪ La, la-ba-dee-da
49
00:02:06,822 --> 00:02:09,756
♪ La, la-ba-dee-da ♪
50
00:02:09,757 --> 00:02:13,193
♪ For the first time in my life ♪
51
00:02:13,194 --> 00:02:14,428
♪ I see love
52
00:02:14,429 --> 00:02:16,863
♪ I see love ♪
53
00:02:16,864 --> 00:02:19,666
♪ For the first time in my life ♪
54
00:02:19,667 --> 00:02:20,834
♪ I see love
55
00:02:20,835 --> 00:02:25,352
Sync & corrections by Rafael UPD
www.addic7ed.com/
56
00:02:32,339 --> 00:02:34,540
(kissing)
57
00:02:36,176 --> 00:02:37,877
Oh, yeah, oh, yes!
58
00:02:37,878 --> 00:02:39,580
Ooh, more!
(kissing)
59
00:02:39,581 --> 00:02:42,116
All right, all right!
60
00:02:42,117 --> 00:02:43,850
Ms. Small, let's try this again.
61
00:02:43,851 --> 00:02:46,486
Do you still live at 627 Racine?
62
00:02:46,488 --> 00:02:48,588
I feel sorry for you.
63
00:02:49,856 --> 00:02:50,990
I'm not the one in handcuffs.
64
00:02:50,992 --> 00:02:52,658
Oh, yes, you are. You
work for the government.
65
00:02:52,659 --> 00:02:54,660
You're a pawn in a game you
don't even know you're in.
66
00:02:54,661 --> 00:02:56,461
(sighs)
67
00:02:56,463 --> 00:02:58,764
All right, so I'm just gonna
mark that as a "yes"
68
00:02:58,765 --> 00:03:00,266
for 627 Racine.
69
00:03:00,267 --> 00:03:01,934
What did you want to
be a cop for anyway?
70
00:03:01,935 --> 00:03:03,769
You think people would
respect you more?
71
00:03:03,770 --> 00:03:06,439
Well, let me let you in
on a little secret.
72
00:03:06,440 --> 00:03:08,806
They don't.
73
00:03:08,808 --> 00:03:10,141
Think what you want.
74
00:03:10,143 --> 00:03:11,676
Oh, no ring on your finger.
75
00:03:11,677 --> 00:03:13,411
Obviously you have women
issues. Who was it?
76
00:03:13,412 --> 00:03:15,913
Who was it? Was it
your mom that hurt you?
77
00:03:15,914 --> 00:03:17,682
Was it your mom?
Was she the one?
78
00:03:17,683 --> 00:03:19,451
Is that who hurt you?
79
00:03:19,452 --> 00:03:22,387
Aw, is that who hurt you?
Your mommy hurt you?
80
00:03:22,388 --> 00:03:23,921
What happened?
81
00:03:23,922 --> 00:03:26,056
(voice quivering): You don't know me.
82
00:03:27,359 --> 00:03:30,126
Oh, now I do.
83
00:03:30,128 --> 00:03:32,163
All right, all right!
Carl, take a break.
84
00:03:32,164 --> 00:03:34,931
And you, leave him alone.
85
00:03:34,932 --> 00:03:37,767
Bye-bye, mama's boy.
86
00:03:39,270 --> 00:03:41,338
Hey.
(Carl sniffling)
87
00:03:41,339 --> 00:03:42,939
All right, where is she?
88
00:03:42,940 --> 00:03:44,408
Over there.
89
00:03:44,409 --> 00:03:45,676
Are you kidding me?
90
00:03:45,677 --> 00:03:47,944
You handcuffed one
of our greatest living authors?
91
00:03:47,945 --> 00:03:49,546
She's also a very nasty drunk
92
00:03:49,547 --> 00:03:51,381
who kept throwing Carl's
hat across the room.
93
00:03:51,382 --> 00:03:54,417
I mean, it-it was funny once.
94
00:03:54,418 --> 00:03:57,486
So, there's nobody
that'll come get her?
95
00:03:57,488 --> 00:03:59,722
No, I contacted her
attorney, cab companies.
96
00:03:59,723 --> 00:04:01,157
You'd be surprised
how many people hang up
97
00:04:01,158 --> 00:04:02,458
when they hear her name.
98
00:04:02,459 --> 00:04:03,560
Okay, I got this.
99
00:04:03,561 --> 00:04:04,594
Okay.
100
00:04:04,595 --> 00:04:05,861
No, no!
101
00:04:05,862 --> 00:04:08,128
Nobody wants to hear from you.
102
00:04:09,631 --> 00:04:11,031
Hey.
103
00:04:11,033 --> 00:04:12,401
Hey, are you the lucky policewoman
104
00:04:12,402 --> 00:04:16,004
who gets to cavity search me?
I love that.
105
00:04:16,005 --> 00:04:17,306
No, it's me. Molly?
106
00:04:17,307 --> 00:04:19,241
The-the writer?
You mentored me?
107
00:04:19,242 --> 00:04:20,875
I kind of stalked you.
108
00:04:20,876 --> 00:04:22,610
Oh, yeah!
109
00:04:22,612 --> 00:04:24,213
Now I remember.
We made out a little bit.
110
00:04:24,214 --> 00:04:25,113
What?
111
00:04:25,114 --> 00:04:26,914
No, no.
112
00:04:26,915 --> 00:04:29,115
No.
113
00:04:30,251 --> 00:04:32,051
So...
114
00:04:32,053 --> 00:04:35,589
You're having yourself
quite a day here, huh?
115
00:04:35,591 --> 00:04:39,058
Well, I was till Pork and Beans
dragged me in here.
116
00:04:39,060 --> 00:04:42,263
Well, I'm kind of married to Pork.
117
00:04:42,264 --> 00:04:44,665
The oversensitive black guy?
118
00:04:44,666 --> 00:04:45,966
Oh, no, then Beans.
119
00:04:45,967 --> 00:04:47,233
Oh.
120
00:04:48,801 --> 00:04:51,003
- Makes more sense.
- Yeah.
121
00:04:51,004 --> 00:04:52,372
Well, I see you're getting out soon.
122
00:04:52,373 --> 00:04:54,006
I'd be happy to give you a ride home.
123
00:04:54,007 --> 00:04:55,275
Oh, that would be so nice.
124
00:04:55,276 --> 00:04:58,077
We, uh, we took
a bath together, didn't we?
125
00:04:58,078 --> 00:04:59,346
After we made out?
126
00:04:59,347 --> 00:05:00,680
No, we did not.
127
00:05:00,681 --> 00:05:02,048
We did not.
128
00:05:02,049 --> 00:05:03,349
No.
129
00:05:05,351 --> 00:05:07,353
Can you just tone down
on the lesbian stuff?
130
00:05:07,354 --> 00:05:08,487
My husband's right there.
131
00:05:08,488 --> 00:05:09,622
Oh, guys love that.
132
00:05:09,623 --> 00:05:12,724
Well, not Beans.
133
00:05:12,726 --> 00:05:14,959
All right, well,
shall we get out of here?
134
00:05:16,662 --> 00:05:19,297
(coughs) I got her, I got her.
135
00:05:24,603 --> 00:05:26,204
Okay, uh,
136
00:05:26,205 --> 00:05:27,839
can I get you anything before I go?
137
00:05:27,840 --> 00:05:29,540
No, but thanks again for the ride.
138
00:05:29,541 --> 00:05:32,210
Maybe I could fix you some lunch.
139
00:05:32,211 --> 00:05:33,779
Uh, no.
140
00:05:33,780 --> 00:05:36,714
I'm kind of more
of a soup and salad gal.
141
00:05:36,715 --> 00:05:40,684
Well, you can't forget about
your childhood by eating salad.
142
00:05:41,386 --> 00:05:43,421
Okay, uh...
143
00:05:43,422 --> 00:05:45,389
All right, well, I should...
144
00:05:45,390 --> 00:05:48,259
I should probably go and get...
145
00:05:48,260 --> 00:05:51,762
get out of you hair, and I'm gonna...
146
00:05:51,763 --> 00:05:53,430
Hey, what are you doing?
147
00:05:53,431 --> 00:05:55,098
I'm, uh, I was, uh,
148
00:05:55,100 --> 00:05:57,334
trying to...
I was snooping.
149
00:05:57,335 --> 00:05:58,903
I was snooping.
150
00:05:58,904 --> 00:06:00,404
Is that your new book?
151
00:06:00,405 --> 00:06:03,672
No, it's 600 pages of crap.
152
00:06:03,674 --> 00:06:05,175
Well, I mean, but it's your crap,
153
00:06:05,176 --> 00:06:08,443
so it's, it's probably
pretty good crap.
154
00:06:08,445 --> 00:06:09,545
Are we done here?
(phone ringing)
155
00:06:09,546 --> 00:06:10,579
Uh...
156
00:06:10,580 --> 00:06:11,614
Yup, sure.
157
00:06:11,615 --> 00:06:13,749
I'll just let you get to it.
158
00:06:13,750 --> 00:06:15,584
Okay. Probably gonna get that.
159
00:06:15,585 --> 00:06:16,751
No.
160
00:06:16,753 --> 00:06:19,087
You gonna let
the machine get it or...?
161
00:06:19,089 --> 00:06:20,689
No machine.
162
00:06:20,691 --> 00:06:22,524
- Okay, probably voice mail or a serv...
- Nope.
163
00:06:22,525 --> 00:06:23,826
Okay!
164
00:06:23,827 --> 00:06:26,494
All right.
165
00:06:26,495 --> 00:06:29,631
You know what?
I actually can't do that.
166
00:06:29,632 --> 00:06:31,566
J.C. Small's residence.
167
00:06:31,567 --> 00:06:33,902
Okay. Just-just a moment.
168
00:06:33,903 --> 00:06:35,270
It's your publisher.
169
00:06:35,271 --> 00:06:36,939
Tell him I'm dead.
170
00:06:36,940 --> 00:06:39,041
I-I can't, I can't do that.
171
00:06:39,042 --> 00:06:41,408
Well, I can't do it, I'm dead.
172
00:06:41,409 --> 00:06:44,478
Uh, Ms. Small can't come
to the phone right now.
173
00:06:44,479 --> 00:06:47,048
Can I take a message, please?
174
00:06:47,049 --> 00:06:48,716
Okay.
175
00:06:48,717 --> 00:06:51,618
"Miserable drunk."
176
00:06:51,619 --> 00:06:53,454
Okay.
177
00:06:53,455 --> 00:06:55,789
"Disgrace to profession."
178
00:06:55,790 --> 00:06:57,258
Okay.
179
00:06:57,259 --> 00:07:01,094
And "where is the... where,
where is the damn book?"
180
00:07:01,095 --> 00:07:04,764
"Book." Okay, got it.
181
00:07:04,765 --> 00:07:07,834
Well, the good news is
182
00:07:07,835 --> 00:07:09,369
your publisher sounds
183
00:07:09,370 --> 00:07:12,072
very passionate about that book.
184
00:07:12,073 --> 00:07:14,707
Well, the bad news is
it's never gonna be finished.
185
00:07:14,708 --> 00:07:16,442
Don't say that.
I mean,
186
00:07:16,443 --> 00:07:18,011
you're J.C. Small, you know?
187
00:07:18,012 --> 00:07:20,695
I mean, two-time
National Book Award winner.
188
00:07:20,696 --> 00:07:23,665
And greatest feminist voice
of our generation. I mean,
189
00:07:23,666 --> 00:07:25,400
that voice is
in those pages somewhere.
190
00:07:25,401 --> 00:07:26,700
We just have to find it.
191
00:07:26,702 --> 00:07:28,169
"We"?
192
00:07:29,271 --> 00:07:31,140
I mean, I-I ca...
I-I could help you.
193
00:07:31,141 --> 00:07:33,875
(phone ringing)
194
00:07:41,065 --> 00:07:42,465
Gonna get that?
195
00:07:42,467 --> 00:07:44,568
Yes, yes!
196
00:07:44,569 --> 00:07:46,469
J.C. Small's residence.
197
00:07:46,471 --> 00:07:47,571
Hold please.
198
00:07:47,572 --> 00:07:49,873
Are we happy
with our phone service provider?
199
00:07:49,875 --> 00:07:50,907
Ecstatic.
200
00:07:50,908 --> 00:07:52,242
Okay!
201
00:07:52,244 --> 00:07:55,078
Yes!
202
00:07:58,582 --> 00:08:00,218
Hey.
203
00:08:00,219 --> 00:08:01,885
Hey. It's midnight.
Where you been?
204
00:08:01,886 --> 00:08:03,986
Oh, just helping
205
00:08:03,988 --> 00:08:06,156
a world-famous author
work on her novel.
206
00:08:06,157 --> 00:08:08,058
Me, Molly Flynn...
207
00:08:08,059 --> 00:08:10,627
ex-school teacher, notary public,
208
00:08:10,628 --> 00:08:12,696
muse.
209
00:08:12,697 --> 00:08:15,898
I didn't know you were a notary.
210
00:08:15,900 --> 00:08:17,968
J.C. is a mad genius.
211
00:08:17,969 --> 00:08:20,270
I suggested putting a comma
in one of her sentences
212
00:08:20,271 --> 00:08:22,172
and she practically tore my head off.
213
00:08:22,173 --> 00:08:24,574
I'm sorry, I should've never
called you to come pick her up.
214
00:08:24,575 --> 00:08:25,942
What? No, no, no, no.
215
00:08:25,943 --> 00:08:27,010
It was amazing.
216
00:08:27,011 --> 00:08:28,043
I mean, I got cursed out
217
00:08:28,045 --> 00:08:29,512
by my literary idol.
218
00:08:29,513 --> 00:08:31,581
I mean, she called names I've
never even heard of before.
219
00:08:31,582 --> 00:08:33,449
Then she put in my comma.
220
00:08:33,450 --> 00:08:35,617
Mike, I'm on the page.
221
00:08:36,920 --> 00:08:38,054
Well, that's great.
222
00:08:38,055 --> 00:08:39,289
I'm sure it's
the best part of the book.
223
00:08:39,290 --> 00:08:40,522
Oh, no.
224
00:08:40,524 --> 00:08:42,658
I mean, I did really simplify
a sentence, but...
225
00:08:42,659 --> 00:08:43,927
(cell phone ringing)
226
00:08:43,928 --> 00:08:45,095
Oh!
227
00:08:45,096 --> 00:08:46,496
Ooh, it's J.C.
228
00:08:46,497 --> 00:08:47,663
Send it to voice mail.
229
00:08:47,664 --> 00:08:49,164
Would you send your
idol to voice mail?
230
00:08:49,165 --> 00:08:50,900
Why would Mike Ditka call me?
231
00:08:50,901 --> 00:08:52,201
I'll just be a second.
232
00:08:52,202 --> 00:08:53,703
Hi, J.C.
233
00:08:53,704 --> 00:08:55,170
Wait, wait.
Okay, wait a minute.
234
00:08:55,171 --> 00:08:57,707
Wait a minute.
Slow down, slow down.
235
00:08:57,708 --> 00:09:01,611
I-I thought what you
wrote today was great.
236
00:09:01,612 --> 00:09:03,913
Well, I give a rat's ass
about what I say.
237
00:09:03,914 --> 00:09:05,014
Just hang up.
238
00:09:05,015 --> 00:09:06,080
(shushes)
239
00:09:06,082 --> 00:09:07,216
Now?
240
00:09:07,217 --> 00:09:10,083
Well, it's awfully late.
241
00:09:10,085 --> 00:09:11,653
No, I'm not a little baby
242
00:09:11,654 --> 00:09:14,422
that needs her bed.
243
00:09:14,424 --> 00:09:17,726
No! No, no, no!
Don't take out my comma!
244
00:09:17,727 --> 00:09:19,794
Yeah, I'll be right there.
245
00:09:19,796 --> 00:09:21,730
Come on, you just got home.
246
00:09:21,731 --> 00:09:23,631
I know. She needs me. I'm sorry.
247
00:09:23,633 --> 00:09:24,699
Well, what about me?
248
00:09:24,700 --> 00:09:25,866
I haven't seen you all day.
249
00:09:25,868 --> 00:09:27,535
You're gonna be asleep
in five minutes.
250
00:09:27,537 --> 00:09:30,303
Three if you tickle my back.
251
00:09:30,305 --> 00:09:33,406
All right, turn on your side.
252
00:09:33,408 --> 00:09:34,775
Ooh!
253
00:09:34,776 --> 00:09:36,009
Ah, yeah!
254
00:09:36,010 --> 00:09:37,243
Ooh!
255
00:09:37,245 --> 00:09:38,345
Slower.
256
00:09:38,346 --> 00:09:41,514
Ooh. O-o-oh, o-o-oh.
257
00:09:43,016 --> 00:09:44,250
That's good.
258
00:09:50,524 --> 00:09:52,592
All right, held my first husband.
259
00:09:52,593 --> 00:09:54,194
It should...
260
00:09:54,195 --> 00:09:56,696
do the trick for me.
261
00:09:56,697 --> 00:09:58,331
No, no, no, no, no,
262
00:09:58,333 --> 00:09:59,632
no, no, no, no, no!
What? Whoa, oh! Oh!
263
00:09:59,633 --> 00:10:01,034
Aah!
No, no, no!
264
00:10:01,035 --> 00:10:02,101
Down!
265
00:10:02,103 --> 00:10:04,503
Down! Get off of there!
266
00:10:04,505 --> 00:10:06,939
Down! Down!
267
00:10:06,941 --> 00:10:09,176
What were you thinking?
268
00:10:09,177 --> 00:10:10,877
I was thinking about killing myself,
269
00:10:10,878 --> 00:10:12,812
but now all I can think about
270
00:10:12,813 --> 00:10:15,081
is how good you smell.
271
00:10:15,082 --> 00:10:16,382
What?
272
00:10:16,383 --> 00:10:17,450
How good you smell.
273
00:10:17,451 --> 00:10:18,451
I heard you.
274
00:10:18,452 --> 00:10:19,519
- What?
- Well...
275
00:10:19,520 --> 00:10:22,053
Stop clenching me with your thighs.
276
00:10:32,969 --> 00:10:36,106
I have some nice chamomile tea for us.
277
00:10:36,107 --> 00:10:38,474
And I don't want you
to take this the wrong way,
278
00:10:38,475 --> 00:10:41,176
but what is wrong with you?
279
00:10:42,445 --> 00:10:44,881
Okay, you probably can't
understand this right now,
280
00:10:44,882 --> 00:10:47,784
but one day, if you work really hard
281
00:10:47,785 --> 00:10:49,852
and you're very good
and you never give up,
282
00:10:49,853 --> 00:10:51,554
you're gonna realize
283
00:10:51,555 --> 00:10:55,056
that suicide is easier than writing.
284
00:10:55,891 --> 00:10:57,826
That is crazy We did good work today.
285
00:10:57,827 --> 00:10:59,061
Yeah, but what about the next day?
286
00:10:59,062 --> 00:11:00,462
And then the next day?
287
00:11:00,463 --> 00:11:01,931
You have to keep feeding the beast.
288
00:11:01,932 --> 00:11:03,331
I mean, for what?
289
00:11:03,333 --> 00:11:04,832
- To write a great book.
- Oh...
290
00:11:04,834 --> 00:11:06,501
And then they want another one.
291
00:11:06,502 --> 00:11:08,470
Or they don't want one.
That's even worse.
292
00:11:08,471 --> 00:11:10,305
Well, if it's such torture,
then why bother at all?
293
00:11:10,307 --> 00:11:13,307
Because I hate them and
I want them to love me.
294
00:11:16,277 --> 00:11:17,444
I kind of get that.
295
00:11:17,446 --> 00:11:19,180
Oh, how can you kind of get that?
296
00:11:19,181 --> 00:11:21,681
I taught fourth grade!
297
00:11:27,655 --> 00:11:29,457
Why'd you have to bring her here?
298
00:11:29,458 --> 00:11:31,459
Because I've been with her
for 16 straight hours
299
00:11:31,460 --> 00:11:33,759
and I wanted to take a shower.
300
00:11:33,761 --> 00:11:35,162
I was gonna do it at her place,
301
00:11:35,163 --> 00:11:37,564
but she climbed in there with me.
302
00:11:37,565 --> 00:11:40,133
I don't like that stuff.
303
00:11:40,134 --> 00:11:42,401
I know, Beans.
I know.
304
00:11:44,171 --> 00:11:47,607
So, what is it you do?
305
00:11:47,608 --> 00:11:49,209
I work at a funeral home.
306
00:11:49,210 --> 00:11:50,277
Oh, mortician.
307
00:11:50,278 --> 00:11:51,477
Beautician.
308
00:11:51,478 --> 00:11:53,079
Interesting.
309
00:11:53,080 --> 00:11:55,114
So if your sister had arrived five
minutes later,
310
00:11:55,115 --> 00:11:56,449
we probably still would have met.
311
00:11:56,450 --> 00:11:59,151
Except I would have
been dead, of course.
312
00:11:59,152 --> 00:12:00,719
I thought we weren't supposed
to talk about the...
313
00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:02,554
(makes cracking sound)
314
00:12:02,555 --> 00:12:04,156
Oh, what's a little
315
00:12:04,157 --> 00:12:07,159
suicide attempt among friends?
316
00:12:07,160 --> 00:12:09,128
Personally, I'd use pills.
317
00:12:09,129 --> 00:12:10,862
They're clean, easy.
318
00:12:10,863 --> 00:12:13,965
Plus, you go out doing
something you love.
319
00:12:13,966 --> 00:12:16,101
Now, I can't believe
320
00:12:16,102 --> 00:12:17,535
that you've ever thought
about ending your life.
321
00:12:17,536 --> 00:12:19,004
With a wonderful marriage
322
00:12:19,005 --> 00:12:20,337
and two beautiful daughters,
323
00:12:20,339 --> 00:12:22,807
all living peacefully
under the same roof.
324
00:12:22,808 --> 00:12:24,675
Well, we have our moments.
325
00:12:24,676 --> 00:12:26,444
Especially in the mornings, you know?
326
00:12:26,445 --> 00:12:27,812
Bathroom traffic.
327
00:12:27,813 --> 00:12:29,079
"Who-who took all that hot water?"
328
00:12:29,080 --> 00:12:30,279
(laughing)
329
00:12:33,583 --> 00:12:35,052
I mean, when you think about it,
330
00:12:35,053 --> 00:12:37,454
you've given up so much
for these girls.
331
00:12:37,455 --> 00:12:40,290
Your life, your privacy, your home.
332
00:12:40,291 --> 00:12:42,059
When is it gonna be Joyce's turn, hmm?
333
00:12:42,060 --> 00:12:44,361
When does somebody
do something for you?
334
00:12:44,362 --> 00:12:46,030
I don't see it like that.
335
00:12:46,031 --> 00:12:47,331
Well, of course not.
336
00:12:47,332 --> 00:12:49,364
That's what the booze
is for, isn't it?
337
00:12:49,366 --> 00:12:50,699
MOLLY: Okay...
338
00:12:50,700 --> 00:12:51,634
That's enough about us.
339
00:12:51,635 --> 00:12:53,101
What about you, huh?
340
00:12:53,103 --> 00:12:55,338
We all want to hear more
about the great J.C. Small.
341
00:12:55,339 --> 00:12:56,471
J.C.: Oh, what can
342
00:12:56,473 --> 00:12:58,474
I tell you?
I don't know, my...
343
00:12:58,475 --> 00:12:59,808
I learned how to drink from my father,
344
00:12:59,809 --> 00:13:01,177
I learned how to curse from my mother
345
00:13:01,178 --> 00:13:03,946
and I learned how to make love
from my uncle.
346
00:13:03,947 --> 00:13:06,248
And I'm a Scorpio.
347
00:13:06,249 --> 00:13:07,382
I knew it.
348
00:13:07,383 --> 00:13:08,650
I mean, your sign.
349
00:13:08,651 --> 00:13:11,086
Not that other horrible stuff.
350
00:13:11,087 --> 00:13:12,987
- You are so cute.
- (giggles)
351
00:13:12,988 --> 00:13:14,156
You single?
352
00:13:14,157 --> 00:13:15,790
Why, do you know someone?
353
00:13:15,791 --> 00:13:17,892
- Yes, I do.
- MOLLY: All righty!
354
00:13:17,893 --> 00:13:19,994
Ooh, have you tried that prosciutto?
355
00:13:19,995 --> 00:13:20,962
No.
356
00:13:20,963 --> 00:13:22,730
Yeah, well, do.
Do it.
357
00:13:22,731 --> 00:13:24,299
Hey, just to be clear,
358
00:13:24,300 --> 00:13:27,168
I am very happy with
my life and my children.
359
00:13:27,169 --> 00:13:29,335
They may be parasites,
but I still love 'em.
360
00:13:29,337 --> 00:13:31,439
Thank you, Mom. Thank you...
Mom.
361
00:13:31,440 --> 00:13:32,640
Well...
362
00:13:32,641 --> 00:13:34,909
of course you are, but what
about your poor husband?
363
00:13:34,910 --> 00:13:36,945
You've been married, what, two years?
364
00:13:36,946 --> 00:13:38,345
You're practically on your honeymoon.
365
00:13:38,346 --> 00:13:39,581
I bet you didn't think you signed up
366
00:13:39,582 --> 00:13:40,949
for this full house, did you?
367
00:13:40,950 --> 00:13:42,584
Yeah, well, what are you gonna do?
368
00:13:42,585 --> 00:13:44,686
Some women have those
yappy little dogs,
369
00:13:44,687 --> 00:13:48,354
Joyce has yappy little daughters.
370
00:13:48,356 --> 00:13:50,191
And, just so you know, Mike
and I are moving out of here
371
00:13:50,192 --> 00:13:51,858
as soon as we get
a down payment together.
372
00:13:51,859 --> 00:13:54,660
Yeah, I'll believe that when he flies.
373
00:13:55,362 --> 00:13:56,630
JOYCE: Listen, as long as
374
00:13:56,631 --> 00:13:57,898
my name's on the deed,
375
00:13:57,899 --> 00:13:59,500
my parasites have a home.
376
00:13:59,501 --> 00:14:01,435
Uh, I'm your husband.
I don't have a say in this?
377
00:14:01,436 --> 00:14:02,369
Second husband.
378
00:14:02,370 --> 00:14:03,770
Our real daddy is in heaven.
379
00:14:03,771 --> 00:14:06,407
Oh, I am so sorry.
380
00:14:06,408 --> 00:14:08,775
It was 25 years ago, move your hand.
381
00:14:08,776 --> 00:14:10,844
Ooh, very protective
382
00:14:10,845 --> 00:14:12,846
of the younger, sexy sister.
383
00:14:12,847 --> 00:14:13,847
Interesting.
384
00:14:13,848 --> 00:14:15,315
You know, even a strong man,
385
00:14:15,316 --> 00:14:17,350
you sit him in front of
a piece of cake long enough,
386
00:14:17,351 --> 00:14:19,686
he's gonna eat it.
387
00:14:19,687 --> 00:14:22,355
Was that a crack about my weight?
388
00:14:22,356 --> 00:14:25,391
No, she's saying you want
to sleep with Victoria.
389
00:14:25,392 --> 00:14:26,660
What? Ugh!
390
00:14:26,661 --> 00:14:28,394
What's wrong with me?
391
00:14:28,395 --> 00:14:30,963
Not a damn thing.
392
00:14:30,964 --> 00:14:33,966
Oh, so the stepfather noticed.
393
00:14:33,967 --> 00:14:36,469
What? Ew!
394
00:14:36,470 --> 00:14:38,538
You-you creeping on my daughter?
395
00:14:38,539 --> 00:14:39,772
No! What...
396
00:14:39,773 --> 00:14:41,741
None of this is on me.
397
00:14:41,742 --> 00:14:44,144
She's the one who always
parades around in a towel.
398
00:14:44,145 --> 00:14:45,478
- I don't even look.
- Oh, yeah?
399
00:14:45,479 --> 00:14:47,247
Then how do you know
she's wearing a towel?
400
00:14:47,248 --> 00:14:48,780
'Cause I'm always standing in line
401
00:14:48,781 --> 00:14:50,315
- for the damn crapper.
- Oh...
402
00:14:50,316 --> 00:14:51,316
You need to pee?
403
00:14:51,317 --> 00:14:52,817
Use the drain in the laundry room,
404
00:14:52,818 --> 00:14:53,717
you've done it before.
405
00:14:53,719 --> 00:14:55,787
Gross!
I go down there barefoot.
406
00:14:55,788 --> 00:14:57,822
Careful, 'cause Vince will
stare at your naked feet.
407
00:14:57,823 --> 00:14:58,790
Oh...
408
00:14:58,791 --> 00:14:59,791
JOYCE: Please.
409
00:14:59,792 --> 00:15:01,693
You put it out there for everybody.
410
00:15:01,694 --> 00:15:03,928
Why do you think I keep buying you
robes for Christmas?
411
00:15:03,929 --> 00:15:05,764
I just kept thinking you were
buying me the same thing
412
00:15:05,765 --> 00:15:07,232
because you're getting old.
413
00:15:07,233 --> 00:15:11,202
Hey, I am a young, vibrant woman.
414
00:15:11,203 --> 00:15:14,771
With a fantastic body
for a broad your age.
415
00:15:14,773 --> 00:15:17,542
What are you doing looking
at her body? She's my wife!
416
00:15:17,543 --> 00:15:18,576
VICTORIA: Well, she's my mother!
Are you happy?
417
00:15:18,577 --> 00:15:20,378
Yes, very!
418
00:15:20,379 --> 00:15:22,547
JOYCE: Stay out of it.
You started all this.
419
00:15:22,548 --> 00:15:23,914
Don't yell at me!
420
00:15:23,915 --> 00:15:25,716
Okay, here come the tears.
421
00:15:25,717 --> 00:15:28,018
Go ahead, manipulate your mother
like you always do.
422
00:15:28,019 --> 00:15:30,820
Okay, okay, let's everybody
just calm down.
423
00:15:30,821 --> 00:15:32,489
Shut up. You're not even
part of this family.
424
00:15:32,490 --> 00:15:33,455
Well, neither is he!
425
00:15:33,457 --> 00:15:34,924
Why you gotta bring me into this?
426
00:15:34,925 --> 00:15:36,326
You're a shoe salesman!
427
00:15:36,327 --> 00:15:37,826
(yelling over each other)
428
00:15:41,531 --> 00:15:42,832
That was fun.
429
00:15:42,833 --> 00:15:44,934
What do you want to do now?
430
00:15:44,935 --> 00:15:46,236
Get you home.
431
00:15:46,237 --> 00:15:48,738
I think I've had enough
of you for one day.
432
00:15:48,739 --> 00:15:50,073
You're gonna leave me alone?
433
00:15:50,074 --> 00:15:52,308
We could both use a little break.
434
00:15:52,309 --> 00:15:54,210
You can't abandon me now.
435
00:15:54,211 --> 00:15:56,945
I'm very fragile!
436
00:15:56,946 --> 00:16:00,047
I have a feeling you're gonna be okay.
437
00:16:00,782 --> 00:16:03,319
I tried to kill myself last night.
438
00:16:03,320 --> 00:16:05,120
(scoffing): Yeah.
439
00:16:05,121 --> 00:16:06,988
What does "huh, huh" mean?
440
00:16:06,989 --> 00:16:08,224
Nothing.
441
00:16:08,225 --> 00:16:09,358
It's just so lucky
442
00:16:09,359 --> 00:16:10,626
that the moment of your crisis
443
00:16:10,627 --> 00:16:12,794
is exactly when I was
coming through your door,
444
00:16:12,795 --> 00:16:15,163
which happened to be
conveniently unlocked.
445
00:16:15,164 --> 00:16:16,764
So you think that was a bluff?
446
00:16:16,765 --> 00:16:19,933
Well, I'll just throw myself
out of this car right now.
447
00:16:19,935 --> 00:16:21,569
- Really?
- Really.
448
00:16:21,570 --> 00:16:23,337
Or, hey, I'll do you one better.
449
00:16:23,339 --> 00:16:25,840
Let me pull over here,
right by the river,
450
00:16:25,841 --> 00:16:27,375
and you can go drown yourself.
451
00:16:27,376 --> 00:16:28,876
Yeah.
Oh, look, we're here.
452
00:16:28,877 --> 00:16:31,145
Jump on out.
Jump out.
453
00:16:31,146 --> 00:16:32,480
River's waiting for you.
454
00:16:32,481 --> 00:16:34,915
Full of snakes and dead mobsters.
455
00:16:34,916 --> 00:16:36,284
But you're not gonna do it.
456
00:16:36,285 --> 00:16:38,151
'Cause you know as well as I know
457
00:16:38,153 --> 00:16:40,488
that you just create these
little dramatic situations
458
00:16:40,489 --> 00:16:42,557
because you need the attention!
459
00:16:42,558 --> 00:16:44,791
Yeah. Oh, yeah, climb
up on that railing.
460
00:16:44,792 --> 00:16:46,192
Yeah, through that leg over there.
461
00:16:46,193 --> 00:16:47,494
There you go.
462
00:16:47,495 --> 00:16:49,062
Yeah... oh, is this where
I'm supposed to come out
463
00:16:49,063 --> 00:16:50,163
and try to stop you?
464
00:16:50,164 --> 00:16:51,465
Well, I'm out.
465
00:16:51,466 --> 00:16:53,500
No, I'm sitting right...
(water splashing)
466
00:16:53,501 --> 00:16:55,033
Son of a bitch!
467
00:16:57,371 --> 00:16:58,538
Hey!
468
00:16:58,539 --> 00:17:00,173
Don't you dare swim away from me!
469
00:17:00,174 --> 00:17:02,341
(splashing)
470
00:17:08,715 --> 00:17:10,216
You could have gotten us both killed.
471
00:17:10,217 --> 00:17:11,617
Don't be so dramatic.
472
00:17:11,618 --> 00:17:13,987
Me? You jumped in a river!
473
00:17:13,988 --> 00:17:17,257
Man, that water's always so much
colder than you remember.
474
00:17:17,258 --> 00:17:19,425
You did this before?
475
00:17:19,426 --> 00:17:21,527
Yeah, well, usually from bridges.
476
00:17:21,528 --> 00:17:23,163
I prefer the one on Wacker.
477
00:17:23,164 --> 00:17:25,697
I mean, that view going down
is incredible.
478
00:17:26,532 --> 00:17:28,366
What is the matter with you?
479
00:17:28,367 --> 00:17:31,369
"Bipolar sociopath."
480
00:17:31,370 --> 00:17:32,537
Oh, my God, really?
481
00:17:32,538 --> 00:17:33,605
Or, as I like to call it,
482
00:17:33,606 --> 00:17:35,874
the "up-down boohoo sillies."
483
00:17:35,875 --> 00:17:38,509
Can't they give you anything for that?
484
00:17:38,511 --> 00:17:40,112
Yeah, they give me lots of stuff,
485
00:17:40,113 --> 00:17:41,280
but they're no fun.
486
00:17:41,281 --> 00:17:44,482
Even when you crush them
and snort them.
487
00:17:44,483 --> 00:17:45,951
So you're off your meds?
488
00:17:45,952 --> 00:17:48,953
Duh. I jumped into the river.
489
00:17:48,954 --> 00:17:50,354
Okay, you...
you know what?
490
00:17:50,355 --> 00:17:51,689
I can't take this anymore.
491
00:17:51,690 --> 00:17:52,957
Neither can I.
492
00:17:52,958 --> 00:17:54,892
What is so wrong with your life, huh?
493
00:17:54,893 --> 00:17:56,294
I mean, you have the kind of talent
494
00:17:56,295 --> 00:17:58,095
that I-I would chop off
my head to have.
495
00:17:58,096 --> 00:17:59,463
Why can't you just be happy?
496
00:17:59,464 --> 00:18:01,532
I can't write when I'm happy.
497
00:18:01,533 --> 00:18:02,900
Oh, that's a load of crap.
498
00:18:02,901 --> 00:18:04,969
Your talent is your talent
whether you're happy or not.
499
00:18:04,970 --> 00:18:06,103
It's in you.
500
00:18:06,104 --> 00:18:07,371
That's easy for you to say,
501
00:18:07,372 --> 00:18:08,671
because you don't have any.
502
00:18:10,275 --> 00:18:11,342
All right.
503
00:18:11,343 --> 00:18:13,578
That's my cue.
504
00:18:13,579 --> 00:18:14,879
Where are you going?
505
00:18:14,880 --> 00:18:16,381
I'm taking my lack of talent
506
00:18:16,382 --> 00:18:17,749
as far away from you as possible
507
00:18:17,750 --> 00:18:20,884
and going home to what little
I have of my happy family.
508
00:18:20,886 --> 00:18:22,185
You can't leave me.
I need you.
509
00:18:22,187 --> 00:18:24,289
You need to dry out and suck it up
510
00:18:24,290 --> 00:18:25,657
and finish your book.
511
00:18:25,658 --> 00:18:26,656
Well, why don't you make me?
512
00:18:26,658 --> 00:18:28,357
- Grow up!
- I'll pay you.
513
00:18:28,359 --> 00:18:30,959
Sorry, what?
514
00:18:30,961 --> 00:18:33,664
Uh, $800 a week.
515
00:18:33,665 --> 00:18:34,898
Plus damages.
516
00:18:34,899 --> 00:18:37,400
Which I'm sure I will incur.
517
00:18:39,636 --> 00:18:41,438
So you're asking me
to help you write your book?
518
00:18:41,439 --> 00:18:42,605
Yeah.
519
00:18:42,607 --> 00:18:44,441
Write, run errands,
520
00:18:44,442 --> 00:18:46,941
induce vomiting whenever necessary.
521
00:18:48,243 --> 00:18:49,978
I'm not saying yes.
522
00:18:49,979 --> 00:18:51,914
But if I did,
523
00:18:51,915 --> 00:18:53,649
no more midnight calls.
524
00:18:53,650 --> 00:18:55,651
No more midnight swims.
525
00:18:55,652 --> 00:18:57,420
Plus, you'd have
to go back on your meds
526
00:18:57,421 --> 00:19:01,256
because this kind of crazy... no.
527
00:19:01,257 --> 00:19:02,890
Okay? Do you promise me?
528
00:19:02,892 --> 00:19:04,959
No.
529
00:19:04,961 --> 00:19:06,629
Well, then you're gonna have
to go find somebody...
530
00:19:06,630 --> 00:19:08,962
$1,000 a week.
531
00:19:08,964 --> 00:19:10,597
Done.
532
00:19:10,599 --> 00:19:12,066
But just to...
533
00:19:12,067 --> 00:19:14,336
get the taste of the river water
out of my mouth.
534
00:19:14,337 --> 00:19:15,769
You know what else would do that?
535
00:19:16,604 --> 00:19:18,472
My tongue.
536
00:19:18,474 --> 00:19:20,809
And no more of that either.
537
00:19:20,810 --> 00:19:25,446
You sure?
Not even for $2,000 a week?
538
00:19:25,448 --> 00:19:26,781
No!
539
00:19:26,782 --> 00:19:28,248
Well...
540
00:19:28,249 --> 00:19:30,517
N-No. No.
541
00:19:30,518 --> 00:19:32,652
We'll see.
542
00:19:42,097 --> 00:19:44,566
(sighs) Hey there.
543
00:19:44,567 --> 00:19:47,235
Hey. Mwah.
544
00:19:47,237 --> 00:19:49,104
(groans) What is that smell?
545
00:19:49,105 --> 00:19:51,340
Oh. Chicago River.
546
00:19:51,341 --> 00:19:54,375
And a very aggressive lesbian.
547
00:19:54,376 --> 00:19:55,843
What?
548
00:19:55,844 --> 00:19:58,145
Oh, I had to fish out J.C.
549
00:19:58,146 --> 00:20:00,248
You know, for as polluted
as that water is,
550
00:20:00,249 --> 00:20:02,549
it was oddly refreshing.
551
00:20:02,550 --> 00:20:06,786
Molly, what-what kind of hold
does this woman have on you?
552
00:20:06,788 --> 00:20:08,889
She's paying me $1,000 a week.
553
00:20:08,891 --> 00:20:11,558
Ooh, Beans likes that.
(laughs)
554
00:20:11,559 --> 00:20:13,392
(phone rings)
555
00:20:15,495 --> 00:20:18,331
Oh, guess who.
556
00:20:18,332 --> 00:20:21,401
Hi, J.C.
557
00:20:21,402 --> 00:20:25,338
Well, I'm... sorry that you're hungry.
558
00:20:25,339 --> 00:20:28,541
No, you have food in your house.
559
00:20:28,542 --> 00:20:32,177
I made you a peanut butter
and jelly sandwich today.
560
00:20:32,973 --> 00:20:36,815
Okay, first, get the bread out.
561
00:20:36,816 --> 00:20:39,818
You put peanut butter on one side,
562
00:20:39,819 --> 00:20:43,155
and you put jelly on the other.
563
00:20:43,156 --> 00:20:45,689
Yes, you can do this.
564
00:20:45,690 --> 00:20:47,356
For 1,000 bucks a week,
you go over there
565
00:20:47,357 --> 00:20:49,116
and make that nice lady a sandwich.
566
00:20:51,823 --> 00:20:56,797
Sync & corrections by Rafael UPD
www.addic7ed.com/
38484
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