Original subtitles

How's it going down there, Chuck?

Real good, babe. [groans]

Is the Anti-Life Equation affecting you the same way it did the chicken?

No, babe, but I am being affected a teensy-weensy bit... [groans]

From all the trees you're slamming me into.

Oh. [chuckles] Sorry.

Sometimes I forget you're down there.

- As long as you don't say that in bed, babe. - [both laugh]

[thuds]

[Golden Glider yelps]

I think you've run long enough.

[scoffs] How did you find us?

I got this, babe.

Is it because I search for highly rated Anti-Life Equation

disposal options near me?

Yes. And thank you.

- Knew it! - Babe!

Sorry, babe. I thought it was worth a shot.

Well, we're not giving you the Anti-Life Equation.

Chuck and I will die to protect it.

- Oh, dang it! - Chuck!

I'm sorry, babe. I am so sorry.

If you want it back, I have a price.

A talk with me, face to face.

- My robots will escort you. - Oh, right, so you can kill us. No way.

I thought you might say that.

- Which is why I brought an olive branch. - Pass.

All the olive branches, olive oils, and pimento olives in the world

won't get us there because, newsflash, I don't like olives!

Do you like this?

- My kite? - I saved it from the fire,

which is what I want to do for you.

You can't spend your life on the run, Kite Man.

It's time you faced this.

Trust me.

[theme music playing]

We've run that simulation millions of times.

And it always comes out the same.

All life in the universe is extinguished.

- The end of everything. - Including my customers.

Which is why I don't want this to happen.

It is inspiring how much you care for your customers.

- Well, they're always right. - Mmm, unless they're dead.

Precisely! Which is what I'm trying to avoid.

No matter the variable,

the simulation always ends that way.

With one exception.

You, Kite Man.

There's a scenario where you use the Anti-Life Equation

and this doesn't happen.

Uh, cool.

- Why not? - Yeah.

Why not?

I wish we knew.

But the fate of the world is in your capab...

Well, your hands.

But it won't be easy.

Lex wants the equation to kill Superman,

and has no clue he'll kill us all.

We've dealt with Lex before.

But you've never dealt with Darkseid.

He's hunting you, too,

and if he gets the equation, we're all dead.

So whatever you do, do it quickly.

Okay...

I can't believe I'm going to fucking say this,

but godspeed, Kite Man!

[suspenseful music playing]

Drinking light beer these days, huh Gus?

Yeah. I just thought I'd switch it up, Nooman.

- Nooman? - [Bane] Goddam it!

I've been tugging coffee and prune juice,

but I'm stuffed up like a hydroelectric dam.

Sometimes the best laxative

is a little thing called patience.

Shove it, dickbag!

I have no time for your patience.

I have to poop in the Portal Potty right now

so I can go back to the '80s and find Goldilocks!

She's probably 'lone and scared

and this close to trying to get famous

by singing in a mall.

Yeah, kids are easy to lose.

I have one or two kiddos wander off every field trip,

and perish.

[Bane] That is weird and not helpful.

Helen says it's up to you to save us.

So, what's your plan?

Ooh, uh, I was kind of hoping

something would hit me on the way over.

Uh... Oh! I know.

Yes! That's my Chuck!

I'll take a shower.

That's where I get my best ideas.

What kind of idea we lookin' for?

Oh, you know, just one that allows us to defeat two apex villains

while also destroying a heretofore undestroyable cosmic weapon.

Anything coming to mind?

Just if we're making war plans,

we should adjourn to the war room.

[Sixpack grunts]

[Kite Man] We have a basement?

This is why you use a real estate agent.

[Jazzercise Instructor] And side to side! And side to side!

And glute and chute! And glute and chute!

Are you Princess Rebecca Chen?

You look beautiful!

I better. If I'm gonna be the next Sheena Easton,

I gotta up my leg game.

What do you want, kid? You shit here from the future?

I went number two and it sent me back in time.

And Baney told me a story 'bout you.

Bane? What did he have to say?

It's a story about your daughter on the run with the Anti-Life 'quation.

My daughter has something called the Anti-Life Quation?

Mmm. Tell me more.

[beeping]

Sire, this chip was torn from Chessure.

Now we have no way of tracking Malice and the Anti-Life Equation.

How is that possible?

- That kid from Petigans, uh- - [Ominous Choir] ♪ Brandon! ♪

Right. Brandon.

He guaranteed it would never dislodge.

He probably didn't anticipate the giant chicken attack, sire.

I'm sorry. But do you know what guarantee means?

[Ominous Choir] ♪ A promise That certain conditions Will be fulfilled ♪

A promise that certain conditions will be fulfilled.

Yes. Well, Brandon broke his fucking promise.

And now we don't know where the Anti-Life Equation is.

But I do know exactly where to go.

Okay, and do you have a Petigans Plus account?

Brandon! You guaranteed me this tracking chip

could never be dislodged from my demon cat.

Oh, I remember you. Yeah.

You have your Petigans Plus card? I could give you a refund.

A refund doesn't give me my fucking Anti-Life Equation, does it, Brandon?

You broke a guarantee.

And the punishment for that is torture for 1,000 years.

- Um, um, sire? - Um, um, what, DeSaad?

We probably don't have 1,000 years to find the Anti-Life Equation.

Well, I guess every party needs a pooper. That's why we invited DeSaad.

[Ominous Choir chanting] ♪ Ha ha ha! ♪

But perhaps you're right.

Instead of being tortured for 1,000 years,

you will serve me on Apokolips for eternity.

Um... 'Kay, I could probably start Thursday.

I gotta tell Gary, my boss here--

You'll start right now.

Yeah, so Helen says I need to use it somehow.

That doesn't make sense. How the hell do you use it?

Or destroy it when even a nuclear blast couldn't?

We don't have any idea. Okay?

As far as I know, there's no way to destroy it.

Hey, hey, you guys ever seen The Exorcist?

That movie about the little girl possessed by the demon

and nobody can figure out how to get rid of it?

Yeah, right. And then the old priest says,

"Hey, demon, when you're done playing with the kids, try and fuck with me."

Oh, yeah, and then the demons like, "It's on!"

Right. And it jumps into him and the priest is all like, "Joke's on you demon.

I'm jumping out this window." And he does.

And he slams into the stairs, kills himself and the demon dies inside him.

Chuck, are you suggesting that you invite the Anti-Life Equation inside you

and then kill yourself to destroy it?

[spitting loudly] What? Holy shit.

No, I was just like, "The Exorcist, that's a pretty good movie."

It was just suggested to me on my Villigans Crime "Watch Next" list.

[chuckling] Kill myself? How did you get that from that?

[laughs in relief]

I'm glad you think so, because that's just crazy.

So crazy, it just might work.

Whoever reads the equation, becomes the equation.

And like The Exorcist tells us,

if they die, it dies.

Newheart is right!

Kite Man should use the Anti-Life Equation and kill himself.

Who's with me?

- [Queen of Fables] I am. - [Moe] Of course.

- Uh what? - [Bane] Thanks for dying, Kite Man.

- That's a classy way to die. - Excuse me?

Looks like the voters have spoken.

Okay, so we're really doing this then.

Guess I'll, uh, have to figure out the best thing

to, uh, throw myself to the death off of--

Wait! What if once it's in him,

the Anti-Life Equation won't let him kill himself?

Great point, Malice! That... That is the plan's Achilles heel.

- Well, back to the drawing board-- - Or I'll kill you.

That way you can't back out.

- Boom, bam, bing, dead! - Ooh, fuck that! You're a terrible shot.

I'll throw the Evil Fairy Godmother at him.

Kite Man, I'd be happy to 'splode you if you'd like me to.

That is, uh, so helpful of you guys.

So, uh, are we thinking quick and painless or--

- [Bane] Well, uh, quick-- - Okay, nobody's killing Chuck.

- Why not? - Come on!

- [Noonan] Who calls the shots around here? - [Bane] I don't mind really.

Chuck, don't let them talk you into it.

- I won't lose you like this. - Yeah.

You've always said my power is my heart.

My kindness. Which used to make me so mad.

But I didn't tell you 'cause I didn't want to hurt your feelings.

But maybe you're right.

Maybe kindness is a key that opens all doors,

but only locks one, the door to the end of the universe.

Which is a dooz. So, Babe,

I have to ask. Lisa Golden Glider Snart,

will you take silly old me to have and to hold,

till death, at your hands, do us part?

It's... It's just, it has to be you, babe.

Please.

Yes, Chuck. I'll do it.

I'd rather be dead myself than live without you.

But if you can make this sacrifice, then I can too.

We need a minute.

[bagpipes playing]

Hey, after all this... [whispers] I know a guy you might like.

- And this pocket is too- - Hot. I know. Jesus. Try this.

So what you're saying is my daughter has the Anti-Life Equation?

Baney said it's the most powerful weapon in the universe

and everybody wants it.

'cluding Darkseid.

- The end. - Interesting.

Darkseid Choir auditions.

Very interesting.

This cuisine is too lean!

You know, kid, you're a real cunt.

Uh, Darkseid?

They said your warranty voided as soon as you took the chip out of the cat.

I didn't take the fucking chip out!

They owe me a full refund!

Sire, perhaps your unquenchable thirst for revenge

is proving a fatal flaw, that may be distracting you from your...

Fatal what?

Uh, let's remember this is all because Malice lied.

Now I know the plan was to look everywhere but Noonan's,

however, I took a chance.

- God-daddy! - She was at Noonan's after all.

I'm hearing the most awful rumor that you think I lied to you.

Malice! Kite Man and Golden Glider have the Anti-Life Equation.

Not Lex Luthor and Helen Villigan, like you told me.

- Or am I wrong? - Okay, fine. They do.

But it doesn't matter, because it's probably already destroyed.

So you'll just have to find some other stupid math problem

to fuck or whatever you want to do with it.

I don't want to fuck it.

And quite frankly, Malice, that's just really crass.

No human can destroy it.

They already tried to nuke it.

Well, they're trying a different way.

They're exorcist-ing it.

They're using exorcist rules.

Oh, yeah. Fuck, yeah.

Where the demon enters the priest, he kills himself,

so the demon dies, too.

He's all like, "Your mother sucks cocks in hell.

- Your mother sucks cocks--" - Jesus Christ, Brandon!

- This throne room isn't rated NC-Brandon. - Sorry.

Where... Where did Petigans find this kid?

Anyway, that's what they're doing.

[whispers] Sire, that might actually destroy the Equation.

DeSaad, if you're at a party

and you can't tell who the pooper is,

you're the pooper.

You're the pooper, DeSaad!

Your friends, where are they?

I won't tell you because I won't let you kill them.

You just said they're using exorcist rules.

Which means they're trying to kill themselves.

Once I have the equation, I'll let them live.

So it seems the only way for you to save them

is to tell me where they are!

How much fiber is one supposed to ingest before a goddam bowel-

- Hi, Baney! - Goldi! I was worried sick!

I was in the '80s.

You cannot go wandering by yourself into the '80s.

It is not safe.

There are no car seats. No one wears sunblock.

I mean, the hairspray alone could choke you to death.

I saw Princess Rebecca Chen!

Did you talk to her?

I told her the story 'bout the Anti-Life 'Quation.

Hmm, well, hopefully, that's no big deal.

Well, I suppose this is as good a spot as any for an ending.

Are you sure you wanna go through with this?

I'm sure, babe, and the only thing I'm even more sure of

is that Lisa Snart is the prettiest,

funniest, smartiest doggone girl I ever saw.

I will love you for the rest of my life.

And I'm not just saying that 'cause maybe there's like five minutes left in it.

[crying] I don't want to kill you, Chuck.

- [sobs] - I know you don't, babe.

That's what makes it hero stuff.

[moans]

Now remember, I'm the only one who can read this thing.

If it falls into anyone else's hands, even yours,

It is adios universe-io.

Words, babe! It's starting to make words!

Okay, let's get this party started.

[sighs] Chuck, it's taking kind of a long time.

- How's it going? - I'm not gonna lie, babe.

Thought this equation would have more pictures.

Yo, oh, darn it, I lost my place.

Okay, I'm just gonna start from the top.

[sighs]

[grunting]

- You've got to read faster, babe. - No need!

The Anti-Life Equation is mine now.

Get it!

- [slams] - [gasps]

[Bane] Nuh, uh, uh.

If you want the briefcase, you've got to go through us.

Fuck you, Lex Luthor!

- [explodes] - [Lex groans]

[Lex whistles]

[Moe yells]

- [Bane groans and thuds] - [Noonan cackles]

[Golden Glider yelps]

[Queen of Fables yells]

It's story time!

[cackles] Cookie!

[grunts] Thanks.

[Noonan groans]

[screaming and grunting]

This just isn't making any... Oh! Okay, look at that.

Reading the dang thing upside down.

There we go. That's on me!

[both grunting]

Sweetheart, buy me a drink first--

- [electricity crackling] - [Sixpack yelps]

[Toyman cackles]

Evil Fairy Godmother?

Give 'em a happily ever after.

[men scream]

- [electricity crackling] - [men yelling]

Wow! Circle of life.

[all laughing]

- [exploding] - [groans]

[Ominous Choir chanting] ♪ Darkseid! It's Darkseid! ♪

♪ You're totally screwed now 'Cause it's Darkseid!

Finally! The Anti-Life Equation is mine!

Malice, you sold us out?

Only because I didn't want you to die. Okay?

It was a... What do you call it?

A Sally's choice!

Yeah!

[Ominous Choir chants] ♪ Uh-oh he won't like that! ♪

Keep reading, Kite Man! We can't hold him for long!

[Ominous Choir chants] ♪ He'll kill you all Just give up! ♪

[Ominous Choir chants] ♪ Told ya! ♪

Almost there!

[screaming]

No! No! [groans]

[sobs] Shit! I don't wanna kill you, Chuck!

Don't make me do this!

[grunts]

[Golden Glider screaming]

Ah! [yelps]

No. [sobbing] No.

[Kite Man screaming]

[Golden Glider] Babe, hurry.

[Ominous Choir] ♪ Rebecca Chen? ♪

- Mom? - Oh, hi!

I traveled through time when I heard you were messed up in this.

Don't say I never did anything for you.

[Ominous Choir] ♪ Aw! Sweet! ♪

[Kite Man screaming]

[Rebecca Chen] Gotcha!

Get that fairy tale book!

- [Darkseid growls] Give me that book! - Bane! Bane! Here!

- Over here! Throw me that book! - I'm afraid I can't do that.

Martian Manhunter?

Well, fuck!

Not today, Darkseid. Kite Man and Golden Glider,

your bravery has neutralized the threat.

Good job.

I'll take it from here.

What the... That motherfucker took my book!

Martian motherfucking Manhunter.

There, there, Lex.

There'll be other most powerful weapons in the universe.

Chuck, babe,

oh, I'm so glad you're not dead.

Phew, me too, babe.

Wow. Gus really came through for us.

Who would've guessed he was a shape-shifting superhero?

Who thinks my name is Nooman.

You dumb shits. He was just pretending to be Gus.

You know what? He's got that look and voice down for sure.

[grunts]

I was so close.

Okay. Now, Lord Darkseid, I know you're pretty steamed--

But the good news is, I think

there's one fella who can help us now.

- And his name is- - Lee Trevino.

Hello, friend. [chuckles]

So, god-daddy, about the little fib,

- I was only trying to-- - It's okay, Malice.

- You come by evil. Honestly. - Great. Thanks.

And now that Martian Manhunter has the briefcase,

I'll have to spend another millennium looking for it.

So how long you think Gus was Martian Manhunter?

I'd say about eight hours.

Good thing somebody was smart enough

to take that game piece off the board.

Hey, Noonan, hey, all, sorry that I've been gone.

Got called in for a shift at the old fulfillment center.

Working hard or hardly working. [chuckling] Am I right?

I think I prefer the other guy.

[sighs] Never thought a beer could taste so sweet.

- I wasn't gonna do it, Chuck. - What?

Kill you.

I know I said I would, but I also knew I couldn't.

But babe, what were you gonna do

once I finished reading the thing?

I was still working on that when my mom showed up.

Why do you think she did it?

To save me or to get the Anti-Life Equation?

Well, if I had to wager, I'd put everything on

to save you because she loves you.

Yeah, She loves me.

Yeah. I can't think of any other reason.

[Rebecca Chen cackles]

We have worlds to destroy my fairy tale demons.

- Are you with me, Gingerbread Man? - Ya!

Are you all with me?

[all cheering]

Then let us begin.

[laughs maliciously]

Ah! There's something about a man and a kite.

- Can I ask you something? - Anything, babe.

The equation. What did it say?

It said blue skies ahead.

Aw, love that.

And love you.

Hell, yeah!

[Ominous Choir chants] ♪ End of season one! ♪

[theme music playing]

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