Original subtitles

Afternoon. Lovely weather. Forecast showers, though.

Just building a greenhouse round the back.

Snotty-nosed dog minders.

Yoo-hoo, love!

Put them in the kitchen, babe.

He knocked a carton of root beer over a black woman in McDonalds.

- I couldn't help it. - No one's blaming you, babe.

She shouldn't have sat so close.

- Vincey in? - Yeah, he's changing.

Oi, Reet, he's got that posh bird with him.

Penny?

Oh, love 'em.

They really are back together again.

I always knew that one day they would be.

Even after their wedding was cancelled,

I prayed that one day Vincey would meet her again.

No, you didn't.

You said she was a stuck-up cow who wasn't good enough for your son.

That was because Daphne Warrender called my Vincey a name.

Of course she did, he'd just jilted her daughter.

- Whose side were you on? - Just putting it in perspective.

I'm a mother, that's the only perspective I need.

Hello, darling.

Hello, Mrs Pinner.

Don't call me Mrs Pinner, it makes me sound like his mum.

- Rita, it's lovely to see you again. - Oh, and you, darling.

Oh, she's lovely, ain't she?

Yeah, yeah.

I was just saying, Les, prettier than ever.

Yeah. Penny ain't bad, either.

- How's your mum and dad? - Fine, thank you.

Good. Tell them I've got their new address on my Christmas card list.

Oh, yes, I shall.

- Where you off to, babe? - We're going to a wedding.

No, it's nothing like that.

My boss's daughter's getting married. We're going to the reception.

For a moment my heart missed a beat,

I thought you were doing a Gretna Green on us.

She'd make a lovely bride.

Well, you did make a lovely bride, didn't you, darling?

Yes.

I only wish you'd been there to see her, babe.

Drop it, will you, Reet?

Excuse me, I've got something in my eye.

You'll have something in the other one if you keep on.

Do you like my coat? It's ocelot.

Oh, yes, it's... nice.

Would you like to lend it?

No. No, thank you.

I think a fur makes a woman.

I used to have a fox fur, but I sold it.

Oh, darling. Times are hard, are they?

No, she's a Friend of the Earth.

No, I'm not, I don't believe in killing animals for their skin.

I don't agree with that sort of thing, either.

But this one was dead, anyway.

See you later.

- Be good. - If you can't be good, be careful.

If you can't be careful, get a pram!

Oh, love 'em.

We'll have to go and visit the Warrenders.

I don't think that's a good idea, not after what happened.

Oh, that was years ago, they'll have forgotten all about it by now.

Daphne's not the type to bear a grudge.

- Cliffy, where are you, babe? - In the back.

- I'll do you a coffee, Les. - Round the back?

- What have you done now? - I didn't touch it.

Your dad's not going to be pleased, I can tell you that.

I'm gonna kill him.

How was that for you, then, darling?

- Sorry, Norman? - How was it for you?

Oh, the earth moved.

Good, good.

Same old magic, eh?

Mmm. Same old wand.

Don't go to the window like that,

the neighbours will think I married you for your money.

Oh, no!

- What is it? - It's Penny and Vincent.

Oh my God!

This is the last time, Norman. The very last time!

Yes. I'm very sorry, darling.

Well, get dressed.

Please stop going on about it.

I'm not, I'm just saying, how can you forget the present?

We're going to a wedding and you forget the present.

These things happen, Vince.

I only forgot the present, some people forget the wedding itself.

All right, Pen.

Sorry.

But just shut up.

Your parents in?

No. Doesn't seem to be much sign of life.

That's nothing to go by, is it?

I was just thinking, Pen, I've never seen your bedroom.

Yes, you have. The other weekend.

Yeah, but you switched the lights out.

You're incorrigible.

- Get out of my way, Norman! - Yes, dear.

- Tuck that in somewhere! - Yes, darling.

Oh, hello, dear. Have you forgotten something?

Yes. The present. I thought you and Daddy were out.

Er, no, your mother and I have just been erm...

Clearing up. Upstairs.

What's that idiot grinning at?

I don't know. What are you grinning at, stupid?

Nothing, Pen.

- Shut up. - I haven't said a word.

Make sure you don't.

Er, yes. Well, I'll just erm...

I'll er... Yes.

Nothing like a bit of afternoon delight to put colour in the cheeks.

What does he mean, "afternoon delight"?

I think he means those ice lollies he used to sell.

- They're both in the sitting room. - And?

So is the present. I've got to go into that room.

Yes. I'll wait in the car.

Of course, I'm a great friend of Penny's mother.

Have you met Daphne yet?

- She's an absolutely charming woman. - Oh, yes, isn't she?

- What business are you in, Vince? - I'm a bookmaker, Eric.

Oh. How did you come to meet Penny?

I wasn't in that business then, I met Penny through her mother.

I had to call round to see Daphne on business.

- I see. What line were you in then? - I was a debt collector.

It's crowded in the kitchen, I could hardly move.

- Mmm. Talk to you later, dear. - Yes. Bye.

What's wrong with them?

You have that effect on people, Pen.

Yes. Pity it doesn't work on certain other individuals.

Nice house.

Yes, it's beautiful, isn't it?

- Council? - I'm not sure.

Oh, come and meet the boss.

- Wonderful occasion. - You must be awfully proud.

Ooh, I am. I know she's my own daughter,

but she did look particularly beautiful today.

- Beautiful. - AJ, sir?

Oh, Penny, dear. I'm so glad you could make it.

I've put Samantha's present in the day room.

Sammy's changed out of her dress, I do wish you could have seen her.

So do I. Still, I'll look at the wedding photos.

Erm, Al, I'd like you to meet Vincent. Vincent, Mr Styles.

- Pleasure to meet you, Vincent. - You too, Mr Styles.

I suppose everybody calls you Nobby?

- Nobby? - Yes. Nobby.

Why should people call me "Nobby"?

Styles. Nobby Styles.

Mmm? Nobody ever calls me Nobby.

Nobody ever has called me Nobby.

Well, fine, I won't call you Nobby, either, then.

Thank you.

Erm, I'm just going to get something from the kitchen.

Excuse me.

Strange young man.

Yes.

Oh, my God! It's the Pinners.

What do you think they put doors in this thing for?

Don't keep on at him, Les.

Put the hood up, love, it looks like rain.

Clifford, you break anything in that house, you'll get a wallop.

- What's he keep going at me for? - Leave him alone, Les.

Come on, Cliffy.

Yoo-hoo, Daph!

Norman!

Norman, wake up, it's the Pinners!

Norman!

Guess who?

Well, what a surprise.

We thought we'd pop in and see the new house.

- This the hall? - Yes.

Fabulous.

Go to the front room, Cliffy babe, and don't touch nothing.

He's still accident prone.

Bless him.

Les is putting the hood up on the car, we've got a convertible.

It's just come on to rain, suppose it's the time of year.

Oh, what a lovely house, Daph.

Your other one was lovely, but compared to this it was a dump.

I'll go through to the front room and keep an eye on Cliffy.

- Is that upstairs? - Yes.

Put that down, babe, before something gets damaged.

Good grief.

It's teaming down out there. Phwoar!

Well, well, well. It's been a long time Daph... ne.

- Yes. Wasn't it? - Sorry to spring on you like this.

That's all right, I just wish I'd known you were coming.

I'd have got some Spam in.

That's rather easily broken, Clifford.

I know. It's very fragile, innit?

- Did you get wet? - Wet? I'm bleeding soaked.

Oh, it's fabulous, innit, Les?

Yeah. Lovely.

Of course, the kitchen's a bit pokey, but there's only the three of you.

Oh, I love this antique furniture. We've got modern.

You could almost believe this was the real thing.

Yeah. Norm not about, Daphne?

Er, he's taking a nap. He's been rather exerting himself this morning.

What you been doing to him, eh?

Think yourself lucky he's still got it in him, Daph.

Careful, babe, that might be real. Well, how are you, Daph?

Very well, until a short time ago. Would you like a drink?

Silly question.

Will you have a sherry with me, Daph?

I'm afraid we haven't got any Australian sherry, only Spanish.

Oh, they're making it now?

Have you still got that little chalet thing in Dymchurch?

- No. We had to get rid of that. - Yeah.

Oh, what a shame.

The world recession has affected all of us in its own little way.

No, no. It wasn't the money, Daphne.

We started to get a lot of Hampstead types moving down there.

- Ruined the place, didn't they? - Yeah.

Wine bars, bistros.

Couldn't move for quiche Lorraine, could you, Les?

- No. - So we sold up.

I bought a villa on the Algarve.

Portugal?

Oh, I don't know, we've only been there once.

£50,000 and it's only got two bedrooms.

- Criminal, innit, Daph? - Yes.

If you and Norm fancy going over, just give us a bell.

I don't think the Algarve is really for us.

No, it's very expensive.

They wouldn't have to pay for the villa, would they?

No, just pay for the flight.

Save your pennies for spending money, eh?

Don't have to go mad, do you?

No!

He seems the curious type.

Yeah. Careful, babe.

Breaks everything he touches, don't know what's wrong with him.

I shouldn't worry, it's probably some minor psychiatric disorder.

A frontal lobotomy or a clip around the ear should do the trick.

Yeah, love him. Where's the little room, Daph?

The little...?

Upstairs.

Cliffy!

Put that down, babe, 'fore Mummy kicks your teeth in.

Shan't be a mo.

Well, what a surprise.

Yeah.

We weren't sure of the sort of welcome we'd get after what happened.

You mean when your eldest son jilted my only daughter

on the steps of the church?

Yeah.

That's all over and forgotten about.

What I do still find slightly ironic

is the fact that your entire family turned up.

In their Cortinas and Dormobiles and suede chukka boots.

They made the avenue look like the starting point

for an illegal hare coursing event.

Yes, every single member of your family turned up.

- Except one. - Really? Who was that?

Well, if it's any consolation, Daph, I gave him hell when he got back.

That makes everything all right then, doesn't it?

No. It doesn't make everything all right.

A lot of things have happened since then, Lesley.

Both families have moved to new homes.

Penny is a happily married woman and getting a divorce next month.

Oh, yes, it's all water under the bridge.

I've quite forgotten all the years of suffering, the shattered dreams,

the pain and the public humiliation your son brought on this family.

Oh. Good.

Nice.

Small, but cosy.

Mm, not really me.

'Ello, Norm.

You're in the best place, love, it's pissing down out there.

Wait a minute, Pen, let me explain will you?

Just go away and leave me alone!

It was an accident. A misunderstanding.

I reached up to get a glass

and my cufflink got caught up with the strap of her dress.

When you entered, we were struggling to untangle it.

She wasn't wearing straps on her dress.

No, not by the time we finished, she wasn't.

Look, I can see what you were thinking, all the others as well,

but believe me it was a misunderstanding.

God! It's like Listen with Mother.

You must think I'm as stupid as I look.

Oh!

Calm down, Pen. People will notice.

Let them notice, let them laugh and gossip, I'm used to it.

All this fuss cos my cufflink got snagged up by some bird's dress.

Some bird? It was the bride!

So it got snagged up on some bride's dress.

Look, I know what it must have looked like,

me and Sammy in the corner like that.

Sammy?

That's what she said her name was.

It was a complete accident, people always think the worst.

Where you're concerned, that's the only way to think.

Oh!

What a day.

What a bloody rotten day.

I've heard you call my boss "Nobby".

I've seen you seduce the bride.

And now I'm wet. I'm soaking wet!

- Look, Pen... - Don't touch me!

Don't talk to me, don't even look at me.

If we could choose our time to die, I would choose right now.

If I never see you again it would be too soon.

I hate you!

I'll ring you Monday.

Drop dead!

They forecast showers.

Now that's the villa, Daph.

Very nice.

- And the swimming pool, see? - Looks very inviting.

When we viewed it, there was a dead cat floating in it, weren't there?

Yeah. We had it cleared out, of course.

Very wise.

That's the kitchen, see?

That's one of the bedrooms.

That's the toilet.

- Oh, you'll love it over there, Daph. - It's very kind of you to offer.

- Do you like lizards? - No.

Then keep your doors well locked.

They're only little things.

Covered with germs, though, by all accounts.

Ooh! This is us in Disneyland. Weren't half good there, weren't it?

Yeah.

All the characters from Walt what's-his-name's films

are walking round the streets.

Mickey Mouse and Pluto.

Of course it's not really them, it's men in costumes.

- Yes. - They don't half look good, do they?

Yeah. Now that's Clifford with Donald Duck.

Oh, yes.

- That's Clifford? - Yeah.

What's that on the ground?

Oh, he trod on Donald's flipper and broke it.

- Weren't my fault. - Of course it weren't, babe.

If you go around dressed in a stupid costume,

you're bound to have accidents, aren't you?

Yes, I suppose so.

What's this?

- That's the Olde World. - Don't half look old, don't it?

Of course it's all reproduction stuff and plastic beams.

Oh, look, Daph, there's your sideboard.

There is a passing similarity.

What's this, shape of things to come?

No, that's our sitting room, Daph.

Very nice.

- You must come round one evening. - Must I?

Have some dinner with us, eh, Daph? Eh, Les?

Yeah, we'll give you a bell, make some arrangements.

Oh!

Have a nice time, babe?

Wonderful.

- Weddings always get her like this. - Where's Vincent?

I don't know and I don't care, he can be in hell as far as I'm concerned.

He's upset her again.

Yeah, well, I think it's time we left, Reet.

Clifford, get your mother's coat.

Are these meant to come off?

Put that down before you break it.

Weren't my fault.

Well, erm, I'll give you a ring about that dinner, Daph.

Bye-bye, darling.

Cheer up. Worse things happen at sea.

Come on, Reet!

Whatever's happened, it's your own fault.

I know. What were they doing here?

Getting on my bloody nerves, that's what they were doing.

I was sitting here, peacefully reading a magazine,

when I heard pop music blaring from a car radio.

I assumed it was somebody from the council estate who'd lost their way.

I looked out and there they were,

the Pinners, sitting there in the Batmobile.

I don't know who they remind me of more,

the Beverly Hillbillies or the Huggetts.

Whenever I'm in that woman's company,

I always think that she'll try to sell me some pegs.

This is all your fault, Penny.

It's you that's dragged us into this time warp.

Just shut up, Mummy! Shut up!

I had the strangest dream.

Oh, shut up, Norman.

Damn!

I don't know why you bother.

You've spent four evenings trying to mend that boat.

It's something to do, and it's a ship.

- What? - You called it a boat.

What does it matter?

It matters to some people. It's a ship, not a boat.

No, you're wrong, Norman.

I thought I might be.

It's neither a ship nor a boat.

It's six ounces of recycled plastic and a dollop of glue.

When you put it like that, it doesn't matter.

How's Mr Styles?

He's much better now.

I heard Samantha and Nigel cancelled their honeymoon.

Yes, they had a mild disagreement at the reception.

Some incident.

Hm, shame.

- Have there been any phone calls? - How do you mean?

Has the telephone machine rung at all?

There have been three calls.

The plumber, to say he won't be able to get here last Tuesday,

the other was Mrs Beecham to say that she's down with a carbuncle

and won't be able to give her lecture on self healing,

the third was a wrong number.

- Was it a man or a woman? - I don't know.

I gave our number and he put the phone down. Forget him, Penny.

- Who? - You know perfectly well who. Thing.

Oh, him. I'd forgotten all about him at the beginning of the week.

Whatever he's done, he'll do it again.

Coffee, darling?

No, thank you, Mummy.

- Norman? - I'll have a beer, pet.

Coming along nicely, isn't it?

This came for you this morning.

It's got a Walthamstow postmark.

I thought it better that I keep it safe.

- Vincent? - Hmm.

He says he's got something important to tell me.

Are you going to meet him?

Well, I don't want to, but I suppose I'll have to.

He's got something important to tell me.

Yes, of course, darling.

- Daddy? - Yes, dear?

Has your cufflink ever caught on some girl's dress?

No.

Oh.

It wasn't important, anyway.

Come to think of it, I remember that happening to a chap some years ago.

What? His cufflink became tangled in a girl's dress?

- Yes. - He didn't do it on purpose?

He didn't mean it to happen.

His cufflink got caught on the girl's shoulder strap.

Oh.

In fact, that's how the police managed to catch him.

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