Original subtitles

? What would you say

? If I told you things had never changed and...

? We'll find a way

? To take our dreams and rearrange them?

? Who would believe

? That we could be in love again?

? So let's just pretend

? That you and me can be

? Just good friends ?

So it turns out that he's the managing director

of our associate company in Paris.

Very rich.

Holiday home in St Trop, yacht in Monaco.

Married, but nothing serious.

What was his name, or didn't you go into details?

Ooh... Charles, or something like that.

But, naturally, I told him that he couldn't stay the night,

but his English wasn't that good.

So I thought, "What the hell, we're in the common market now,

"vive la difference!"

You know what Frenchmen are like.

Hmm. All sort of garlicky and nasal.

There's no point in talking to you, you're in a silly mood.

(Telephone rings)

AJ Style's office?

(Breathes heavily)

This may be for you, Elaine.

Can I help you?

What colour are your...

...curtains?

(French accent) I haven't got any.

(Groans)

I've got... blinds.

Oh!

Say something...

...dirty.

Muddy wellingtons.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

You all right, Vincey?

Yeah, it's Penny.

Oh.

Muddy wellingtons?

What? Ooh, it's Vince.

Oh.

At least I think it's Vince. That is you?

Yeah, but you weren't sure, you little hussy.

Of course I was sure.

Oh, look at her, all giggly and gushy,

because her lord and master is kind enough to speak to her.

- Will you shut up? - Oh, you make me sick.

You said you were going to phone last night.

(Fakes retching)

I did say I was going to phone and I almost did,

when Lennie popped his head in and said they were off.

Off? What were off?

- The dogs. - Oh, I see. You went racing.

I won �138.

Really?

If you feel like celebrating, Big Boy, give me a call.

OK, when are you free?

I never charge.

Pathetic!

This is a private conversation you're listening to.

I know, aren't I awful?

Well, how about tomorrow?

(Vince) 'Tomorrow?'

Yes. The day after today. Where I am from, we call it tomorrow.

Tomorrow's out, it's my mum's birthday, I've got to eat cake.

Oh, I see.

Well, erm... what about tonight?

I bet he's busy.

Tonight's no good, either, Pen. You know Eddie?

- Eddie Brown, owns the betting shop. - 'No.'

Well, he wants me to meet him at the snooker club to discuss business.

In other words, you're playing snooker tonight.

And discussing business, Pen. That's what you must remember.

If you'd like to come, you're welcome.

Spend the entire evening

watching you and your mates whacking little balls around a table?

No. I'll stay in and get on with my basket weaving.

You couldn't knock me up a basket for my mum?

Joke, Pen. Pen?

(Sighs) Stan, If I live to be forty, I'll never understand women.

(Sighs) He's using you like a door mat.

- Haven't you any work to do? - Do you know your main problem?

Yes. I've got a friend with a big nose.

You've made him feel too secure.

He thinks the chase is over and that he's the only one in the field.

What would Vince do if he was to discover

that Steve wanted to take you out to dinner?

I haven't the faintest idea, Elaine.

Steve? Who's Steve?

Well, the new guy. He seems rather interested in you.

But I don't even know him. What does he look like?

Anything you want him to look like. He doesn't exist.

Oh, come on. A phantom rival? Vince would never buy that.

Well, of course he would. He's a man, isn't he?

His fragile little ego couldn't stand the thought

of you being moved by some virile young stag

who looks like a more rugged Robert Redford.

Hmm! I'm moving, I'm moving.

I use Steve on all my men.

Whether they're behaving themselves or not.

Yes, but it would never work.

I tried it before, shortly after Vince and I first met.

I told him some chap had invited me for a drink and I had accepted.

And did he get jealous?

As a matter of fact he did. He actually phoned the house that night.

There you are, then.

- But he found out I was lying. - How?

I answered the phone.

Oh, you silly...

Oh, well, that was some time ago. Chances are, Vince has forgotten.

Well, he seems the forgetful type.

Little things like wedding days.

Yes, yes, all right, Elaine.

Look, meet him tonight.

Tell him that you really, really have to see him.

Build him up, before I smash him between the eyes.

Ten out of ten!

Choose your moment carefully and then, with total innocence, call him Steve.

Light blue touch paper and retire to safe distance.

I used to use this on Geoffrey.

But Geoffrey divorced you.

Yes, but I got the Volvo. Ciao.

- Call it, Ed. - Heads.

Heads it is. Ed.

- You break, Lol. - How much are we playing for?

Fifty. Or is that too much for you?

No, I've got money.

Have you got forty, Vince?

- I'm always paying your stake money. - I don't lose that much, gambling.

Of course you don't, most of it's mine.

(Laurence) Vincent!

All right, I'll go and get my cue.

You bought yourself a brand new Jaguar when I was out of the country.

That's right. If you behave, I'll let you have a drive one day.

How can you afford a car like that on the money I pay you?

Well, I'm... I'm very thrifty, Ed.

Yes, you must be, Vinnie.

By the way, I'll be round the office first thing in the morning,

to look at the books, that sort of thing.

Good. Give me a chance to talk to you about my rise.

(Eddie chuckles)

You never knew Johnny Maine, did you?

I can't say I did.

He worked in the betting shop. Funny enough, you took his place.

A good-looking sort of fella.

Proper ladies' man.

Drove around in a big, lairy car.

He loved ballroom dancing, cha-cha-cha and all that crap.

Yes, very expensive tastes, young Johnny.

Trouble was, most of them were at my expense.

Tch, tch, tch. Disgraceful. What you do, sack him?

No, he retired. Through ill health.

- Ill health? - Yeah, he had an accident.

Fell down some stairs. Four flights, I heard.

Tragic.

- Some good come out of it. - How's that then, Ed?

On the one hand, Johnny doesn't do a lot of ballroom dancing these days,

but on the other hand, he can park anywhere.

See what I mean, Vinny?

Vince, there's some tart asking for you.

(Sighs)

You know we don't encourage women in here, Vince. They're trouble.

I know. She's different, Alex. She's very well behaved.

Just this once, then.

But I ain't happy, Vince. I ain't happy.

I know, I can see that, Alex.

Go on in.

Thank you very much.

He missed his vocation. He'd have been a wow in the diplomatic corps.

- What are you doing here? - I'm sorry.

- You invited me. - But you said you weren't coming.

I changed my mind.

Oh, good. Come on.

God! The smoke in here. How do you breathe?

Erm, Pen, I'd like you to meet Eddie Brown.

Ed, this is Penny.

Hello. How nice to meet you.

Yeah. Well.

Nice to meet you and all, love.

Yeah, well, let's sit down over there, shall we?

He seems very nice.

Yeah, well, that's just first impressions, Pen.

You're going to find this a bit boring,

so if you decide to go I won't be offended.

No, I've come to quite like snooker.

I've been watching a lot of it on television. I've become quite a fan.

I understand all the rules.

- Do ya? - Hm.

Good.

When's he going to start batting?

He'll start batting shortly, Pen.

Oh, it's Laurence.

Oh, it's what's-her-name, Pen.

- You're not going to penalise me? - Go on, take it again.

- How are you keeping? - Terrific.

Erm, let him concentrate on his shot, Pen.

Oh. Sorry. Sorry!

It's all right.

Oh, bad luck.

No, he meant to do that, Pen.

Oh. Oh, I see. Tactics?

If you like.

Shall we get a drink?

Er, a bottle of lager and...

- Gin and tonic, please. - Gin and tonic.

Are we going out somewhere later?

Going out? What do you mean?

Just going out.

You may not be aware of this, but it's a beautiful summer evening

and normal people are out enjoying themselves

and breathing God's good air.

- The game's just started, Pen. - Well, I don't mean go right now.

- How long will the game take? - About two hours.

Two hours?

What do you mean "two hours"? It's only a stupid game of snooker.

It's the best of five frames.

If it goes the full five, it'll take at least two hours.

So, we've got to sit in here and watch snooker all night.

What do you think you were going to watch in a snooker club?

Vincent!

- What? - Come on.

(Penny) Oh. Sorry.

Even if it does take two hours, we could still go out.

Look, Pen, when this game finishes, I play the winner.

Oh, now, come on, Vince.

I don't know why you bothered coming.

- It was supposed to be a surprise. - It certainly caught me on the hop.

(Posh voice) Oh, what jolly bad luck, Edmund.

(Laurence laughs)

You'd be better off at skittles, Ed.

(Chuckles)

Do you know what, Penny? I really fancy a breath of fresh air.

Let's go.

Is the game finished, then?

Oh, it's finished, all right.

Well finished.

I'm sorry.

What?

I said I'm sorry.

Sorry for what?

For what happened in that stupid snooker hall.

Oh, when you ruined a very important game

by hurling the white ball across the room

and putting everything on the table, from your glass to your arse?

- Yes. - I've forgotten all about it.

- Why the big moody then? - It was something Eddie said.

- What? - Ah, it's not important.

You don't like ballroom dancing, do you?

- No. - Ah, that's all right, then.

Isn't it a beautiful evening, Steve?

Mmm.

Is this my drink, Steve?

Er, yes, I think that's yours, Pen.

Oh, good.

- Steve? - Yeah?

Don't you just love these old country pubs, Steve?

Er, yes. Yes, I like the new ones as well.

And I like city pubs. Guess I just like pubs, really.

Yes...

- Fancy something to eat, Sue? - No, thank you, I'm not feeling...

Sue?

You just called me Sue.

Really?

Because for the last three minutes you've been calling me Steve.

- Have I? - Yes.

Oh, I didn't realise. I'm sorry, Steve.

- I mean, Vince. - There you go again.

Sorry.

I suppose you're wondering who Steve is?

No.

- He's a new chap at the office. - Oh.

We've been working very closely on one of the company's new projects.

He asked for me especially. He's on the creative side.

Really?

So, what's he like?

- Who? - Steve.

What's he like? Erm...

Well, he's kind of tall,

broad-shouldered, fair hair, blue eyes.

Rather Robert Redford-ish.

Oh, I don't know. I haven't paid much attention.

Steve?

I mean, Vince.

- You do trust me, don't you? - Yeah.

But really?

Of course I do, Pen.

Good.

Steve's asked me to dinner on Saturday.

- He's what? - Mm.

He's taking me to a restaurant by the river,

to celebrate the end of a successful project.

- It's a nice thought, don't you think? - Oh, absolutely.

Good old, tall, blond, rugged, hairy, poofy Steve.

Don't be so childish. It's purely platonic.

- We're just good friends. - So are we.

But look what happened the other weekend.

Oh, yes.

(sighs heavily)

I'd think long and hard about this, Daphne, if I were you.

Well, you're not me. I don't think.

No, dear.

Look at the facts.

What is this?

A plastic cigarette.

- And who do we know uses one? - Vincent.

Yes. Thing. And where did I find it?

- Under Penny's bed. - Exactly.

Darling, there's probably a perfectly simple explanation.

Of course there is.

While we were away, Thing was round having an orgy with our daughter.

Darling, think back to when we were younger, eh?

Now, I can still remember our first time.

Amazing, Norman. I can hardly remember the last time.

- Hello. - Hello, darling.

Oh, is everything all right?

Mummy's a bit edgy.

Why?

- Do you know what this is? - It's a plastic cigarette.

Quite. The same kind as Thing uses.

Oh, Mummy! Good for you.

- What? - You've decided to give up smoking.

I have not!

After this evening, I'll probably smoke myself into an early grave.

Do you know where I found this?

No.

I found it... in your bedroom.

Really? And what were you doing in my bedroom?

Tidying up, that's all.

I found it... under your bed.

Under my bed. My, you were thorough, weren't you?

I suppose you've no idea how it got there.

- I haven't a clue. - Let me guess.

While we were away, Thing came round to this house.

Well, he did pop round just for a couple of... days.

- Norman, did you hear that? - Yes, dear.

Look, Mummy, I'm not apologising for what happened.

Would you have preferred I'd gone to a sleazy hotel?

I would have preferred you to do nothing at all. It isn't compulsory.

Why don't you stop and try and put yourself in my shoes?

You judge everyone and see everything from your own narrow point of view.

We are both women, the only difference is you've got a man.

What? Oh.

I am exactly the same as you. There are things that I need.

My God, you're beginning to sound like a video nasty.

I didn't mean it like that.

I need someone to share with, to show me sympathy and understanding.

That's what I'm here for!

Yes, well, I think everything that needs to be said, has been said.

Wouldn't you agree, darling? Why don't we have a drink and forget all about it?

Forget all about it?

When I think of the sleepless nights I spent worry about her.

Was it nappy rash or eczema?

Have the whooping cough injection or keep her chest well greased?

What is the sum total of a mother's lifetime's anguish?

My daughter has become a slut.

Now, that is enough, Daphne!

I beg your pardon, Norman.

I will not have you talking to Penny in that way.

- But we only went away for... - Shut up, Daphne.

- But you said... - Shut up!

- I'm only human, Norman. - And stop bragging.

Where are my Mogadons?

(Sighs)

Oh, I'm sorry, Daddy.

Oh, don't be silly, darling.

- I didn't mean to upset anyone. - No, of course you didn't.

- Mummy hates me. - No, she doesn't hate you, darling.

It's just her... way.

I know your mother better than you, we've been married for 30 years.

Thirty years, eh?

Just think, if I'd murdered someone, I'd have been out by now.

(Sighs) Stan, what have you done to these books?

(Sighs) It still don't work out.

(Telephone rings)

Yeah?

(Penny) 'Vince?'

Thank God it's you, Pen. I thought it might be Eddie.

What's happening?

Your parents said you'd gone to the office.

Oh, it's nothing. Eddie's coming to have a look at the books tomorrow,

so I wanted to make sure they were erm... up to date.

Oh. Oh, I see. For a moment, I thought something might be wrong.

No, there's nothing wrong, Pen. So why the phone call?

I don't know how to tell you. Something terrible's happened.

You mother's human sacrifice hasn't turned up again, has it?

- They found out. - 'Who's found out?'

My parents. They know.

Oh, no.

Know what?

They know that you stayed here the other weekend.

My mother found one of your plastic cigarettes under my bed.

- I had to go out and buy a new one. - What a bit of luck Mummy found it.

- Couldn't you have made some excuse? - 'Like what?'

- You could've said it was yours. - I don't smoke.

- You're making sure you never do. - Don't be so ridiculous.

I'm sorry, Pen. I can't help it at times.

All right, so she knows, but we're not kids anymore,

we're consenting adults, so what's the big deal?

That's easy for you to say, you don't have to live here.

Oh, it's horrible, Vince. She's made me feel dirty.

I feel as if I ought to be ringing a bell and calling out 'unclean'.

I know that you're under pressure, but I really need to see you.

Just to talk, that's all.

'I'll be there in the morning.'

But you said Eddie was coming around.

He is. If he don't like it, he knows what he can do with his job.

Oh, no, I appreciate the gesture, but don't lose your job over me.

I'll see you tomorrow evening, eight o'clock at the Red Lion.

- 'I can't, Pen.' - Why not?

- Cos you're going out. - Am I?

With erm... Steve.

Oh, yes. Yes, I forgot.

'I'll see you Sunday morning.'

Assuming you're back by then.

(Laughs)

This reminds me of years ago.

Remember you told me you were seeing some fella just to make me jealous?

No.

And I phoned your house that night and you answered.

Oh, yes. vaguely.

Silly games we played in them days.

(Laughs) Yes.

Pen, don't worry about a thing. We'll sort it out. I love you.

See you Sunday.

Oh, sod it!

Ahem. Drink, darling?

No thanks, Daddy.

Pet?

No, thank you, Norman.

Well, I think I'll have a glass of my homemade beer.

Yes, Norman, why not? Give yourself a treat, live dangerously.

It's Saturday night.

Yes.

Aren't you going out with Thing?

Like this?

I thought you were dressed for the occasion.

Do you enjoy hurting me?

Do I enjoy hurting you?

- Oh, Penny, you'll never understand! - Perhaps you're right.

Well, I'm going to bed.

Would you like to search my room,

make sure I haven't got the 2nd Paras in the wardrobe?

- Darling! - Say goodnight to Daddy for me.

He's the tall man in the cardigan.

Oh, has Penny gone to bed?

Yes. I'm going to talk to her.

Ah! I don't think at the moment she'd be prepared to listen.

But I have to make her understand how I feel.

I just want to say... I'm sorry.

Oh, look, darling, talk to her in the morning, eh?

It's always better with the sun behind you.

Come along, sit down and we'll watch some television.

I've been looking forward to this match.

And don't tell me the score.

All right.

There are no goals, though.

(Doorbell rings)

- Who's that, Norman? - I've no idea.

I must make an appointment with the optician,

my X-ray eyes aren't what they used to be.

All right, darling, I'll get it.

- Vincent? - Good evening, Mr Warrender.

I'm afraid Penny isn't in.

Er, yes, she told me she was going out.

I see. I have no idea what time she'll be back.

I didn't call to see Penny, I came by to pick up my plastic cigarette.

Plastic cigarette? Yes, Vince, I'll get it for you.

(Mouths words)

- This the one, Vince? - Ah, yes, that's the one, thank you.

- Well, goodnight, Mr Warrender. - Goodnight, Vincent.

- Night, Pen. - Night, Vince.

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